Part 1

THE

TRUE-BORN IRISHMAN;

OR,

IRISH FINE LADY.

A

COMEDY

OF

TWO ACTS.

BY CHARLES MACKLIN.

DUBLIN: SOLD BY THE BOOKSELLERS. M,DCC,LXXXIII. [Price, a British Sixpence.]

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Dramatis Personæ.

MEN.

MURROGH O’DOGHERTY, Count MUSHROOM, Counsellor HAMILTON, Major GAMBLE, PAT FITZMUNGREL, JAMES, JOHN, WILLIAM.

WOMEN.

Mrs. DIGGERTY, Lady KINNEGAD, Lady BAB FRIGHTFUL, Mrs. GAZETTE, Mrs. JOLLY, KATTY FARREL.

Scene, Dublin.--A Room in Mr. O’Dogherty’s House.

Time, from Noon to Evening.

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THE

True-born Irishman.

ACT I.

Enter _O’Dogherty_ and Servant.

_O’Dogh._ Who’s there?

_Serv._ Sir.

_O’Dogh._ Is John come in yet?

_Serv._ No, Sir.

_O’Dogh._ Be sure send him to me as soon as he comes in. [_Exit_ Serv.

_Enter_ John.

_John._ I am here, Sir.

_O’Dogh._ Well, John, how is my brother after his journey?

_John._ The counsellor gives his compliments to you, sir, and thanks you for your enquiry: He is very well, and will wait on you as soon as he is dressed.

_O’Dogh._ Mighty well--what is that you have in your hand, John?

_John._ It is nothing for you, Sir--it is a card for my mistress, from Madam Mulroony; her man gave it me as I came in.

_O’Dogh._ Pray, let me see it--“Mrs. Mulroony makes her compliments to Mrs. Murrogh O’Dogherty and likewise to Mr. Murrogh O’Dogherty, and hopes to have the favour of their company on Sunday the 17th instant, to play at cards, sup, and spend the evening, with Lady Kinnegad, Mrs. Cardmark, Miss Brag, Mr. Mushroom, Cornet Basilisk, Sir Anthony All-Night, Major Gamble, and a very jolly party.”--Here, John, take it to your mistress--I have nothing to say to it. (_Exit_ John)--Well done Mrs. Mulroony--faith, and it well becomes your father’s daughter, and your husband’s wife, to play at cards upon a Sunday. She is another of the fine ladies of this country, who, like my wife, is sending her soul to the devil, and her husband to a gaol as fast as she can. The booby has scarce a thousand pounds a year in the world, yet he spends above two thousand in equipage, taste, high life, and jolly parties--besides what his fool of a wife loses to that female sharper, my Lady Kinnegad and her jolly party; which, if I may judge by my own wife, is at least a good two thousand more; so that by the rule of subtraction, take four thousand pounds a year out of one, and in a very little time nothing will remain but a gaol, or an escape in the packet on Connaught Monday.

_Enter_ William _shewing in Counsellor_ Hamilton.

_Will._ Counsellor Hamilton. [_Exit_ William.

_O’Dogh._ Counsellor, you are welcome to Dublin.

_Coun._ Brother, I am extremely glad to see you.

_O’Dogh._ By my faith, and so am I you. Odzooks give us a kiss, man: I give you my honour I am as glad to see you in Dublin at this juncture, as I should to see a hundred head of fat bullocks upon my own land, all ready for Ballinasloe Fair.

_Coun._ Sir, your humble servant. That is a great compliment from you, brother, I know.

_O’Dogh._ It is a very true one I assure you.

_Coun._ Well, I see by the news-papers that my sister is returned from her coronation frolic, and in health I suppose, or you would have wrote me word had it been otherwise.

_O’Dogh._ Yes, yes, she is in health indeed, and returned with a vengeance.

_Coun._ Pray what is the matter?

_O’Dogh._ Ogho! enough is the matter, the devil an inhabitant in Swift’s Hospital for Lunatics, is in a worse pickle than she is.

_Coun._ You surprise me!--in what respect, pray?

_O’Dogh._ Why, with a distemper that she has brought over with her from England, which will, in a little time, I am afraid, infect the whole nation.

_Coun._ Pray, what may that be?

_O’Dogh._ Sir, it is called the Irish fine Lady’s delirium, or the London vertigo; if you were to hear her when the fit is upon her--oh, she is as mad--the devil a thing in this poor country but what gives her the spleen, and the vapours--then such a phrenzy of admiration for every thing in England--and, among the rest of her madness, she has brought over a new language with her.

_Coun._ What do you mean by a new language?

_O’Dogh._ Why a new kind of a London English, that’s no more like our Irish English, than a coxcomb’s fine gilded chariot like a Glassmanogue noddy.--Why what name do you think she went by when she was in England?

_Coun._ Why, what name dare she go by but Dogherty?

_O’Dogh._ Dogherty!--ogho--upon my honour she startles when she hears the name of Dogherty, and blushes, and is as much ashamed as if a man had spoke bawdy to her.--No, no, my dear, she is no longer the plain, modest, good-natured, domestic, obedient Irish Mrs. O’Dogherty, but the travelled, rampant, high-lif’d, prancing English Mrs. Diggerty.

_Coun._ Ha, ha, ha! Mrs. Diggerty! ridiculous!

_O’Dogh._ Ay, ridiculous indeed! to change her name--was there ever such impertinence? But do you know, brother, among the rest of your sister’s whims and madnesses, that she is turned a great politician too concerning my name.

_Coun._ Ha, ha, ha! a politician!--Why how in the name of wonder and common sense can politics and the name of Dogherty be connected?

_O’Dogh._ O it’s a wonder indeed!--but strange as it is, they are connected--but very ridiculously as you may imagine.

_Coun._ But, prithee, by what means?

_O’Dogh._ Why, you must know, we are to have an election shortly for the county that I live in, which young Lord Turnabout wants to carry for one of his own gang; and as the election in a great measure depends upon my interest, the young fox, knowing the conceit and vanity of my wife, has taken her by her favourite foible, and tickled it up, by telling her that if I direct my interest properly, it would not be difficult to procure me a title. Now, sir, this piece of flattery has stirred up such a rage of quality and title in her giddy head, that I cannot rest night or day for her importunity--in short, she would have me desert my friends, and sell myself, my honour, and my country, as several others have done before me, merely for a title, only that she may take place of a parcel of foolish idle women, and sink the antient name of Dogherty in the upstart title of Lady Thingum, my Lady Fiddle Faddle, or some such ridiculous nonsense.

_Coun._ But, sir, pray pause a little upon this business--my sister’s vanity, I grant you, may be ridiculous--but though you despise titles and ostentation, yet, as your interest can certainly make the member, were I in your circumstances, I would have a voice in the senate of my country--go into parliament for the county yourself.

_O’Dogh._ Ogh, I have been among them already, and I know them all very well. What signifies my sitting among hundreds of people with my single opinion all alone. When I was there before I was stigmatized as a singular blockhead, an impracticable fellow, only because I would not consent to sit like an image, and when the master of the puppets pulled the string of my jaw on one side, to say aye, and on t’other side, to say no, and to leap over a stick backwards and forwards, just as the faction of party and jobbers, and leaders, and political adventurers directed--ah, brother, brother, I have done with them all--oh, I have done with them all.

_Coun._ What, and after all your expence of opposing government right or wrong, and supporting your patriots, will you give them all up?

_O’Dogh._ Indeed I will--I was patriot mad I own, like a great many other fools in this distracted country--sir, I was so mad that I hated the very name of a courtier as much as an illiterate lay-swaddling methodist does that of a regular clergyman. But I am cured of that folly; for now I find that a courtier is just as honest a man as a patriot--my dear, they are both made of the same stuff; ah, I have at last found out what sort of an animal a patriot is.

_Coun._ Ay!--and pray, brother, what sort of an animal is he?

_O’Dogh._ Why he is a sort of a political weathercock, that is blown about by every wind of society, which the foolish people are always looking up at, and staring, and distracting themselves with the integrity of its vicissitudes--to-day it is blown by the rough, rattling, tempest of party; next day by the trade-wind of sly, subtle, veering faction; then by the headlong hurricane of the people’s hot foggy breath; huzza boys, down with the courtier, up with the patriot, ’till at last the smooth, soft, gentle warm breeze of interest blows upon it, and from that moment it rusts to a point, and never stirs after--so there is your puff patriot for you--ogh, to the devil I pitch them all.

_Coun._ Ha, ha, ha! I am glad to find, brother, that you are come to that way of thinking at last, and I wish you had had the same notions years ago, it would have saved you many thousands.

_O’Dogh._ Indeed, and that it would--however experience is an excellent tutor, and as you are a young man, and just coming into the world, mine may be of some service to you; take this judgment from me then, and remember that an honest quiet country gentleman who out of policy and humanity establishes manufactories, or that contrives employment for the idle and the industrious, or that makes but a blade of corn grow where there was none before, is of more use to this poor country than all the courtiers, and patriots, and politicians, and prodigals that are unhanged;--so there let us leave them and return to my wife’s business.

_Coun._ With all my heart, I long to have a particular account of her conduct.

_O’Dogh._ O, brother, I have many grievances to tell you of, but I have one that’s more whimsical than all the rest.

_Coun._ Pray what is it?

_O’Dogh._ Why you must know, brother, I am going to be a cuckold as fast as I can.

_Coun._ Ha, ha, ha! that’s a comical grievance indeed.

_O’Dogh._ O stay ’till you hear the story, and I’ll engage you will say it is as comical a cuckoldom as ever was contrived.

_Coun._ I am glad to find, sir, it is of so facetious a nature--pray let me hear this business?

_O’Dogh._ Sit down then, brother, for I have got a little touch of my gout, let us sit down for a moment, and I will let you into the whole affair.

_Coun._ Pray do, sir, for you have really raised my curiosity. (_sits._)

_O’Dogh._ You must know, brother, there is an English coxcomb in this town just arrived among us, who thinks every woman that sees him is in love with him, and this spark, like another Paris of Troy, has taken it into his head to make a Helen of my wife, and a poor cuckoldy Menelaus of me.

_Coun._ Ha, ha, ha! Pray who is the spark?

_O’Dogh._ Why the name of this cuckold-maker is Mushroom, but from his conceit and impertinence, the women and jokers of this town have dignified him with the title of Count Mushroom. Sir, he is the son of a pawn-broker in London, who having a mind to make a gentleman of his son, sent him to the university of Oxford; where, by mixing in the follies and vices of irregular youth, he got into a most sanguine friendship with young Lord Old-Castle, who you know has a large estate in this country, and of whose ancestors mine have held long and profitable leases, which are now near expiring--in short, sir, this same Count Mushroom and my Lord became the Pylades and Orestes of the age, and so very fond was my Lord of him, that out of sheer friendship to the Count, he got his sister with child.

_Coun._ Ha, ha, ha! that was friendly indeed.

_O’Dogh._ O yes, it was what you may call modern friendship, taste, and bun tun; and my Lord being a man of gratitude, in return made him his agent in this country, and sent him over to settle his affairs here. And the Count and I being in treaty to renew the leases with my Lord, and we not being able to agree upon the terms, the coxcomb sends my wife a warm billedoux, in which he very gallantly tells her, that she shall decide the difference between us, and settle the leases at her own price, only upon the trifling condition that he may be permitted now and then to be the occasional lord of her ladyship’s matrimonial manor.

_Coun._ Impudent rascal! And, pray, what says my sister to all this?

_O’Dogh._ Why she does not know a word of the matter.

_Coun._ No! pray how came you to be acquainted with his letter then, and his designs upon my sister?

_O’Dogh._ Why there is the joke: it was by the help of Katty Farrel, my wife’s woman, by whose assistance I carry on a correspondence with the fellow in my wife’s name, unknown to her; and by that means I shall not only detect and expose the fellow, but get an excellent bargain of the leases, which are to be signed this very day.

_Coun._ But, sir, I hope you wont accept of leases upon those terms.

_O’Dogh._ O, I have no time to moralize with you on that point, but depend upon it I will convince you before I sleep of the propriety of my taking the leases: Lord, what signifies it; it is only a good bargain got from a foolish lord by the ingenuity of a knavish agent, which is what happens every day in this country, and in every country indeed.

_Enter_ John.

_John._ Sir, Mr. Mushroom and Mr. Sharp the attorney are below.

_O’Dogh._ O, they are come about the leases. I will wait on them, John. [_Exit_ John.

Now, brother, you shall see one of the pertest and most conceited impudent coxcombs that has ever yet been imported into this land, or that disgraced humanity.

Mushroom _without_.

_Mush._ My compliments, Mrs. Katty, to your lady, I will be with her in the twinkling of a star, or in less time than a single glance of her own immortal beauty can pass to the centre of an amorous heart.

_O’Dogh._ Orra now did you ever hear such cursed nonsense.

_Enter_ Mushroom.

_Mush._ My dear Diggerty, I kiss your hands. I am come on purpose--I beg ten thousand pardons--I understood you were alone--you are busy I presume.

_O’Dogh._ Indeed, Count, we are not. This gentleman is a relation--my wife’s brother--counsellor Hamilton, whom you have so often heard me talk of, and with whom I desire you will be acquainted.

_Mush._ Sir, I feel a superlative happiness in being known to you, I have long expected and long wished for it with a lover’s appetite; therefore without waiting for the dull avocation of experience, or the pedantic forms of ceremony, I beg you will honour me with a niche in your esteem, and register me in the select catalogue of your most constant and most ardent friends and admirers.

_Coun._ O dear sir, you are superabundantly obliging--this is such a favour--

_Mush._ No, no, no--none, none--give me your hand, Hamilton, you are my friend Diggerty’s friend, and that’s enough--I’ll serve you--say no more--I’ll serve you--rely upon me--I live in this town quite en famille--I go about every where, am of no party but those of love, pleasure and gallantry--the women like and command me at cards, tea, scandal and dancing--the men, at wit, hazard, jolly parties, a late hour and a bottle--I love ease, hate ceremony, and am at home wherever I go--that’s my system, Hamilton--ha, is not that taste, life, philosophy, and summum bonum--ha, my dear, at home wherever I go, an’t I, Diggerty.

_O’Dogh._ O, indeed, to give you your due, Count, you are never bashful in any place.

_Mush._ Never, never, my dear.

_O’Dogh._ No faith, nor none of your family I believe.

_Mush._ Ha, ha, ha! never, never, my dear Diggerty--bashfulness is a mark of ignorance, an uncourtly, vulgar disease--what we men of the world are never infected with--but, my dear Diggerty, I am come on purpose to settle with you; my attorney with the leases is below, for as I know my lord would be loth to lose you as a tenant, and as I am convinced it would be for his interest you should have the lands, why we will even sign and seal at once upon your own terms--for really I think tenants in Ireland want encouragement--they are rack’d too high--they are indeed--it is a shame they should be rack’d so high.

_O’Dogh._ Faith, Count, there’s many a true word spoke in jest.

_Mush._ Upon my honour I am serious--you want encouragement in trade too.

_O’Dogh._ But do you really think so?

_Mush._ I do upon my honour, and I will speak to some people of consequence about it on the other side, as soon as I return.

_O’Dogh._ Orra but will you?

_Mush._ I will upon my honour.

_O’Dogh._ O aye, you politicians promise us the devil and all while you are among us, but the moment you get o’t’other side, you have devilish bad memories.

_Coun._ You seem to like Ireland, sir.

_Mush._ O immensely, sir--it is a damn’d fine country, sir--and excellent claret--excellent claret upon my honour! ’tis true indeed it is not such claret as we drink in London--however, upon the whole, it’s a pretty, neat, light, soft, silky, palateable wine, and I like it mightily--but your fish in this here country is horrid. There you want taste, Hamilton--that there is an article of the scavoir vivre, in which you are totally ignorant--quite barbarous--

_Coun._ Aye! in what respect, sir?

_Mush._ Oh, my dear Hamilton, how can you ask such a question--you, you, now--who have been in London!--why you eat all your fish here too noo--

_Coun._ Too noo?

_Mush._ Yes, all too noo--why you eat it the very day--nay, sometimes the very hour it comes out of the water--now that there is a total want of taste--quite barbarous.

_O’Dogh._ O yes, brother, we eat all our fish in this here country too noo--too noo a great deal. Now, I fancy, Count, we should keep our fish before we dress it, as you keep your venison, till it has got the hot gout.

_Mush._ Ha, ha, ha!--the hot gout--ha, ha, ha!--Oh, I shall expire--my dear Diggerty, I honour your hot gout--but your French is a little en Irlandois--en Provence--haut gout is the word.

_O’Dogh._ Yes, yes--I understand you--Fogo.

_Mush._ Ha, ha, ha!--Hamilton, you are a little odd in this here country in some points--your friend there--is--you understand me--however upon the whole, take you altogether, you are a damn’d honest, tory rory, rantum scantum, dancing, singing, laughing, boozing, jolly, friendly, fighting, hospitable people, and I like you mightily.

_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha!

_Coun._ Upon my word, sir, the people of Ireland are much obliged to you for your helter skelter, rantum scantum portrait of them.

_O’Dogh._ Indeed and that we are; and so you like us mightily?

_Mush._ I do upon honour, and I believe I shall marry one of your women here, grow domestic, and settle among you.

_O’Dogh._ Orra but will you do us that honour?

_Mush._ I really intend it.

_O’Dogh._ Faith then you will be a great honour to us, and you will find a great many relations here, Count; for we have a large crop of the Mushrooms in this here country.

_Mush._ O, sir, I don’t doubt it, for we are a numerous family both in England and Ireland--but I beg pardon, my dear Diggerty, I must rob you of my company for a moment to pay my devoirs to your lady; I know she is impatient to see me upon a particular affair--I will return upon the wings of diligence, then sign, squeeze wax, and dedicate to wit, mirth, and convivial jollity--Hamilton, yours, yours--my dear Diggerty, give me thy hand--from this moment set me down as thy unalterable friend--for I intend to be well with thy wife this very evening. [_Exit._

_O’Dogh._ Sure there never was so conceited and so impertinent a coxcomb as this puppy.

_Enter_ Katty Farrel.

Oh here is Katty Farrel. So, Katty, do you see who’s here, child--your friend the counsellor.

_Katty._ Sir, your humble servant, I am glad to see you look so well. I hope all your good family are in health.

_Coun._ All very well, I thank you, Mrs. Katty.

_O’Dogh._ Well, well, now your ceremonies are over, let us to business--is your fine mistress dressed yet?

_Katty._ Yes, sir--but she has had a sad misfortune.

_O’Dogh._ What is that, Katty?

_Katty._ The money, sir, that you gave her to pay the mercer’s bill, from Covent-Garden, that was sent after her, she lost last night to my Lady Kinnegad, and some more of them, at bragg--but do not take any notice that I have told you of it, for she intends to borrow as much from Mr. Mushroom for a day or two as will pay the bill.

_Coun._ Why the woman has lost all sense of shame. (_Aside._)

_O’Dogh._ Katty, that must not be. She must not do so mean a thing upon any account, as to borrow money of Mushroom. I will let you have the money to pay the bill, and do you say you borrowed it of your brother, or some friend or other, for her.

_Katty._ I will, sir. [_Exit._

[Mrs. Diggerty, Mushroom, &c. _laugh very loud without_.]

_O’Dogh._ So, the toilet council is broke up at last--here she comes, as fantastically fine, as a fine lady in a play. Ogho, what a head she has.

_Enter Mrs._ Diggerty _and_ Mushroom.

_Mrs. Dig._ Brother, I am veestly glad to see you.

_Coun._ Welcome from England, sister.

_Mrs. Dig._ I am imminsely obligated to you, brother.

_Coun._ I hope it answered your expectation, sister.

_Mrs. Dig._ Transcendantly.

_Coun._ I am glad it pleased you.

_Mrs. Dig._ Ravishingly.

_Coun._ Indeed!

_Mrs. Dig._ Beyond all degrees of compirison.

_O’Dogh._ O yes--beyond all degrees of compirison.

_Mrs. Dig._ Veest! imminse! extatic! I never knew life before--every thing there is high, tip top, the grand monde, the bun tun--and quite teesty.

_O’Dogh._ O yes, every thing there is quite teesty, brother.

_Mrs. Dig._ Well, Count, do you know that you pleased me veestly last night; I never saw you in such high humour--brother, I believe you do not know Mr. Mushroom, an English gentleman; pray let me have the honour of introducing him to you.

_Coun._ I have had that honour already, sister.

_Mush._ Yes, madam, Hamilton and I are old acquaintance.

_O’Dogh._ O yes they are old acquaintance, they have known each other above these two minutes.

_Coun._ Pray how do you like London, sister?

_Mrs. Dig._ O the place of the world, brother.

_Coun._ Then Dublin I suppose--

_Mrs. Dig._ O, dear brother, don’t neem them together.

_O’Dogh._ O no, you must not neem them together.

_Mrs. Dig._ Upon my honour, Dublin, after seeing London, looks like Irish-Town or Ring’s-End: Oh, every thing I set my eyes on here gives me the ennui, and the countre cure.

_O’Dogh._ O yes, every thing here gives her the contre cœur; that is a disease she has brought over with her from London that we know nothing of here.