Part 8
Oh, it isn't true! So quickly could she not be forgotten. So remorselessly could you not go out in the world. All this is meant as a sort of expiation. You make yourself appear what you are not.
JULIAN
I am not telling you these things to accuse or defend myself. I am simply telling you the truth. And you must hear it. It was your mother, and I am the man who deserted her. And there is something more I am compelled to tell you. On the very time that followed my flight I must look back as the brightest and richest of any I have ever experienced. Never before or after have I reveled to such an extent in the splendid consciousness of my youth and my freedom from restraint. Never have I been so wholly master of my gifts and of my life.... Never have I been a happier man than I was at that very time.
FELIX (_calmly_)
And if she had killed herself?
JULIAN
I believe I should have thought myself worth it--in those days.
FELIX
And so you were, perhaps, at that time.--And she thought of doing it, I am sure. She wanted to put an end to the lies and the qualms, just as hundreds of thousands of girls have done before. But millions fail to do it, and they are the most sensible ones. And I am sure she also thought of telling the truth to him she took to husband. But, of course, the way through life is easier when you don't have to carry a burden of reproach or, what is worse, of forgiveness.
JULIAN
And if she had spoken....
FELIX
Oh, I understand why she didn't. It had been of no use to anybody. And so she kept silent: silent when she got back from the wedding--silent when her child was born--silent when, ten years later, the lover came to her husband's house again--silent to the very last.... Fates of that kind are to be found everywhere, and it isn't even necessary to be--depraved, in order to suffer them or invoke them.
JULIAN
And there are mighty few whom it behooves to judge--or to condemn.
FELIX
I don't presume to do so. And it doesn't even occur to me that I am now to behold deceivers and deceived where, a few hours ago, I could only see people who were dear to me and whose relationships to each other were perfectly pure. And it is absolutely impossible for me to feel myself another man than I have deemed myself until to-day. There is no power in all this truth.... A vivid dream would be more compelling than this story out of bygone days, which you have just told me. Nothing has changed--nothing whatever. The thought of my mother is as sacred to me as ever. And the man in whose house I was born and raised, who surrounded my childhood and youth with care tenderness, and whom my mother--loved.... He means just as much to me now as he ever meant--and perhaps a little more.
JULIAN
And yet, Felix, however powerless this truth may seem to you--there is one thing you can take hold of in this moment of doubt: it was as my son your mother gave birth to you....
FELIX
At a time when you had run away from her.
JULIAN
And as my son she brought you up.
FELIX
In hatred of you.
JULIAN
At first. Later in forgiveness, and finally--don't forget it--in friendship toward me.... And what was in her mind that last night?--Of what did she talk to you?--Of those days when she experienced the greatest happiness that can fall to the share of any woman.
FELIX
As well as the greatest misery.
JULIAN
Do you think it was mere chance which brought those very days back to her mind that last evening?... Don't you think she knew that you would go to me and ask for that picture?... And do you think your wish to see it could have any other meaning than of a final greeting to me from your mother?... Can't you understand that, Felix?... And in this moment--don't try to resist--you have it before your eyes--that picture you held in your hand yesterday: and your mother is looking at you.--And the glance resting on you, Felix, is the same one that rested on me that passionate and sacred day when she fell into my arms and you were conceived.--And whatever you may feel of doubt or confusion, the truth has now been revealed to you once for all. Thus your mother willed it, and it is no longer possible for you to forget that you are my son.
FELIX
Your son.... That's nothing but a word. And it's cried in a desert.--Although I am looking at you now, and although I know that I am your son, I can't grasp it.
JULIAN
Felix...!
FELIX
Since I learned of this, you have become a stranger to me. (_He turns away_)
CURTAIN
THE FOURTH ACT
_The garden belonging to Mr. von Sala's house. At the left is seen the white, one-storied building, fronted by a broad terrace, from which six stone steps lead down into the garden. A wide door with panes of glass leads from the terrace into the drawing-room. A small pool appears in the foreground, surrounded by a semi-circle of young trees. From that spot an avenue of trees runs diagonally across the stage toward the right. At the opening of the avenue, near the pool, stand two columns on which are placed the marble busts of two Roman emperors. A semi-circular stone seat with back support stands under the trees to the right of the pool. Farther back glimpses of the glittering fence are caught through the scanty leafage. Back of the fence, the woods on a gently rising hillside are turning red. The autumnal sky is pale blue. Everything is quiet. The stage remains empty for a few moments._
_Sala and Johanna enter by way of the terrace. She is in black. He has on a gray suit and carries a dark overcoat across his shoulders. They descend the steps slowly._
SALA
I think you'll find it rather cool. (_He goes back into the room, picks up a cape lying there, and puts it around Johanna's shoulders; little by little they reach the garden_)
JOHANNA
Do you know what I imagine?... That this day is our own--that it belongs to us alone. We have summoned it, and if we wanted, we could make it stay.... All other people live only as guests in the world to-day. Isn't that so?... The reason is, I suppose, that once I heard you speak of this day.
SALA
Of this...?
JOHANNA
Yes--while mother was still living.... And now it has really come. The leaves are red. The golden mist is lying over the woods. The sky is pale and remote--and the day is even more beautiful, and sadder, than I could ever have imagined. And I am spending it in your garden, and your pool is my mirror. (_She stands looking down into the pool_) And yet we can no more make it stay, this golden day, than the water here can hold my image after I have gone away.
SALA
It seems strange that this clear, mild air should be tinged with a suggestion of winter and snow.
JOHANNA
Why should it trouble you? When that suggestion has become reality here, you are already in the midst of another Spring.
SALA
What do you mean by that?
JOHANNA
Oh, I suppose that where you go they have no winter like ours.
SALA (_pensively_)
No, not like ours. (_Pause_) And you?
JOHANNA
I...?
SALA
What are you going to do, I mean, when I am gone?
JOHANNA
When you are gone...? (_She looks at him, and he stands staring into the distance_) Haven't you gone long ago? And at bottom, are you not far away from me even now?
SALA
What are you saying? I am here with you.... What are you going to do, Johanna?
JOHANNA
I have already told you. Go away--just like you.
SALA (_shakes his head_)
JOHANNA
As soon as possible. I have still the courage left. Who knows what may become of me later, if I stay here alone.
SALA
As long as you are young, all doors stand open, and the world begins outside every one of them.
JOHANNA
But the world is wide and the sky infinite only as long as you are not clinging to anybody. And for that reason I want to go away.
SALA
Away--that's so easily said. But preparations are needed for that purpose, and some sort of a scheme. You use the word as if you merely had to put on wings and fly off into the distance.
JOHANNA
To be determined is--the same as having wings.
SALA
Are you not at all afraid, Johanna?
JOHANNA
A longing free from fear would be too cheap to be worth while.
SALA
Where will it lead you?
JOHANNA
I shall find my way.
SALA
You can choose your way, but not the people that you meet.
JOHANNA
Do you think me ignorant of the fact that I cannot expect only beautiful experiences? What is ugly and mean must also be waiting for me.
SALA
And how are you going to stand it?--Will you be able to stand it at all?
JOHANNA
Of course, I am not going to tell the truth always as I have done to you. I shall have to lie--and I think of it with pleasure. I shall not always be in good spirits, nor always sensible. I shall make mistakes and suffer. That's the way it has to be, I suppose.
SALA
Of all this you are aware in advance, and yet...?
JOHANNA
Yes.
SALA
And why?... Why are you going away, Johanna?
JOHANNA
Why am I going away?... I want a time to come when I must shudder at myself. Shudder as deeply as you can only when nothing has been left untried. Just as you have had to do when you looked back upon your life. Or have you not?
SALA
Oh, many times. But just in such moments of shuddering there is nothing left behind at all--everything is once more present. And the present is the past. (_He sits down on the stone seat_)
JOHANNA
What do you mean by that?
SALA (_covers his eyes with his hand and sits silent_)
JOHANNA
What is the matter? Where are you anyhow?
[_A light wind stirs the leaves and makes many of them drop to the ground._
SALA
I am a child, riding my pony across the fields. My father is behind and calls to me. At that window waits my mother. She has thrown a gray satin shawl over her dark hair and is waving her hand at me.... And I am a young lieutenant in maneuvers, standing on a hillock and reporting to my colonel that hostile infantry is ambushed behind that wooded piece of ground, ready to charge, and down below us I can see the midday sun glittering on bayonets and buttons.... And I am lying alone in my boat adrift, looking up into the deep-blue Summer sky, while words of incomprehensible beauty are shaping themselves in my mind--words more beautiful than I have ever been able to put on paper.... And I am resting on a bench in the cool park at the lake of Lugano, with Helen sitting beside me; she holds a book with red cover in her hand; over there by the magnolia, Lillie is playing with the light-haired English boy, and I can hear them prattling and laughing.... And I am walking slowly back and forth with Julian on a bed of rustling leaves, and we are talking of a picture which we saw yesterday. And I see the picture: two old sailors with worn-out faces, who are seated on an overturned skiff, their sad eyes directed toward the boundless sea. And I feel their misery more deeply than the artist who painted them; more deeply than they could have felt it themselves, had they been alive.... All this--all of it is there--if I only close my eyes. It is nearer to me than you, Johanna, when I don't see you and you keep quiet.
JOHANNA (_stands looking at him with wistful sympathy_)
SALA
The present--what does it mean anyhow? Are we then locked breast to breast with the moment as with a friend whom we embrace--or an enemy who is pressing us? Has not the word that just rings out turned to memory already? Is not the note that starts a melody reduced to memory before the song is ended? Is your coming to this garden anything but a memory, Johanna? Are not your steps across that meadow as much a matter of the past as are the steps of creatures dead these many years?
JOHANNA
No, it mustn't be like that. It makes me sad.
SALA (_with a return to present things_)
Why?... It shouldn't, Johanna. It is in hours like those we know, that we have lost nothing, and that in reality we cannot lose anything.
JOHANNA
Oh, I wish you had lost and forgotten everything, so that I might be everything to you!
SALA (_somewhat astonished_)
Johanna....
JOHANNA (_passionately_)
I love you. (_Pause_)
SALA
In a few days I shall be gone, Johanna. You know it--you have known it right along.
JOHANNA
I know. Why do you repeat it? Do you think, perhaps, that all at once I may begin to clutch at you like a love-sick thing, dreaming of eternities?--No, that isn't my way--oh, no!... But I want to tell you once at least that I am fond of you. May I not for once?--Do you hear? I love you. And I wish that sometime later on you may hear it just as I am saying it now--at some other moment no less beautiful than this--when we two shall no longer be aware of each other.
SALA
Indeed, Johanna, of one thing you may be sure: that the sound of your voice shall never leave me.--But why should we talk of parting forever? Perhaps we shall meet again sooner or later ... in three years ... or in five.... (_With a smile_) Then you have become a princess perhaps, and I may be the ruler of some buried city.... Why don't you speak?
JOHANNA (_pulls the cape more closely about her_)
SALA
Do you feel cold?
JOHANNA
Not at all.--But now I must go.
SALA
Are you in such a hurry?
JOHANNA
It is getting late. I must be back before my father gets home.
SALA
How strange! To-day you are hurrying home, fearful of being too late, lest your father get worried. And in a couple of days....
JOHANNA
Then he will no longer be waiting for me. Farewell, Stephan.
SALA
Until to-morrow, then.
JOHANNA
Yes, until to-morrow.
SALA
You'll come through the garden gate, of course?
JOHANNA
Wasn't that a carriage that stopped before the house?
SALA
The doors are locked. Nobody can get out into the garden.
JOHANNA
Good-by, then.
SALA
Until to-morrow.
JOHANNA
Yes. (_She is about to go_)
SALA
Listen, Johanna.--If I should say to you now: stay!
JOHANNA
No, I must go now.
SALA
That was not what I meant.
JOHANNA
What then?
SALA
I mean, if I should beg you to stay--for--a long time?
JOHANNA
You have a peculiar way of jesting.
SALA
I am not jesting.
JOHANNA
Do you forget, then, that you--are going away?
SALA
I am not bound in any respect. There is nothing to prevent me from staying at home if I don't feel like going away.
JOHANNA
For my sake?
SALA
I didn't say so. Maybe for my own sake.
JOHANNA
No, you mustn't give it up. You would never forgive me if I took that away from you.
SALA
Oh, you think so? (_Watching her closely_) And if both of us were to go?
JOHANNA
What?
SALA
If you should risk going along with me? Well, it takes a little courage to do it, of course. But you would probably not be the only woman. The Baroness Golobin is also going along, I hear.
JOHANNA
Are you talking seriously?
SALA
Quite seriously. I ask if you care to go with me on that journey ... as my wife, of course, seeing that we have to consider externals like that, too.
JOHANNA
I should...?
SALA
Why does that move you so deeply?
JOHANNA
With you?--With you...?
SALA
Don't misunderstand me, Johanna. That's no reason why you should be tied to me for all time. When we get back, we can bid each other good-by--without the least ado. It is a very simple matter. For all your dreams cannot be fulfilled by me--I know that very well.... You need not give me an answer at once. Hours like these turn too easily into words that are not true the next day. And I hope I may never hear you speak one word of that kind.
JOHANNA (_who has been looking at Sala as if she wanted to drink up every one of his words_) No, I am not saying anything--I am not saying anything.
SALA (_looking long at her_)
You are going to think it over, and you'll let me know to-morrow morning?
JOHANNA
Yes. (_She looks long at him_)
SALA
What is the matter?
JOHANNA
Nothing.--Until to-morrow. Farewell. (_He accompanies her to the garden gate, through which she disappears_)
SALA (_comes back and stands looking into the pool_)
Just as if I wanted to find her image in it.... What could it be that moved her so deeply?... Happiness?... No, it wasn't happiness.... Why did she look at me like that? Why did she seem to shrink? There was something in her glance like a farewell forever. (_He makes a sudden movement as of fright_) Has it come to that with me?... But how can she know?... Then others must know it too...! (_He stands staring into space; then he ascends the terrace slowly and goes into the drawing-room, from which he returns a few moments later accompanied by Julian_)
JULIAN
And you want to leave all these splendors so soon?
SALA
They'll be here when I come back, I hope.
JULIAN
I hope you will, for the sake of both of us.
SALA
You say that rather distrustingly....
JULIAN
Well, yes--I am thinking of that remarkable article in the Daily Post.
SALA
Concerning what?
JULIAN
What is going on at the Caspian Sea.
SALA
Oh, are the local papers also taking that up?
JULIAN
The conditions in certain regions through which you have to pass seem really to be extremely dangerous.
SALA
Exaggerations. We have better information than that. According to my opinion there is nothing back of those articles but the petty jealousy of English scientists. What you read had been translated from the Daily News. And it's fully three weeks since it appeared there.--Have you seen Felix, by the way?
JULIAN
He was at my house only last night. And this morning I called on the Wegrats. He wanted to have a look at that picture of his mother which I painted twenty-three years ago.--And one thing and another led to my telling him everything.
SALA
Oh, you did? (_Thoughtfully_) And how did he take it?
JULIAN
It stirred him rather more than I had thought possible.
SALA
Well, I hope you didn't expect him to fall into your arms as the recovered son does in the play.
JULIAN
No, of course not.--I told him everything, without any attempt at sparing myself. And for that reason he seemed to feel the wrong done to his mother's husband more strongly than anything else. But that won't last very long. He'll soon understand that, in the higher sense, no wrong has been done at all. People of Wegrat's type are not made to hold actual possession of anything--whether it be wives or children. They mean a refuge, a dwelling place--but never a real home. Can you understand what I mean by that? It is their mission to take into their arms creatures who have been worn out or broken to pieces by some kind of passion. But they never guess whence such creatures come. And while it is granted them to attract and befriend, they never understand whither those creatures go. They exist for the purpose of sacrificing themselves unconsciously, and in such sacrifices they find a happiness that might seem a pretty poor one to others.... You are not saying a word?
SALA
I am listening.
JULIAN
And have no reply to make?
SALA
Oh, well--it is possible to grind out scales quite smoothly even when the fiddle has got a crack....
[_It is growing darker. Felix appears on the terrace._
SALA
Who is that?
FELIX (_on the terrace_)
It's me. The servant told me ...
SALA
Oh, Felix! Glad you came.
FELIX (_coming down into the garden_)
Good evening, Mr. von Sala.--Good evening, Mr. Fichtner.
JULIAN
Good evening, Felix.
SALA
I am delighted to see you.
FELIX
What magnificent old trees!
SALA
Yes, a piece of real woods--all you have to do is to forget the fence.--What brought you anyhow? I didn't expect you until to-morrow morning. Have you really made up your mind already?
JULIAN
Am I in the way?
FELIX
Oh, no. There is nothing secret about it.--I accept your offer, Mr. von Sala, and ask if you would be kind enough to speak to Count Ronsky.
SALA (_shaking Felix by the hand_)
I am glad of it.... (_To Julian_) It has to do with our Asiatic venture.
JULIAN
What?--You intend to join the expedition?
FELIX
Yes.
SALA
Have you already talked it over with your father?
FELIX
I shall do so to-night.--But that's a mere formality. I am determined, provided no other obstacles appear....
SALA
I shall speak to the Count this very day.
FELIX
I don't know how to thank you.
SALA
There is no reason at all. In fact, I don't have to say another word. The Count knows everything he needs to know about you.
VALET (_appearing on the terrace_)
There is a lady asking if you are at home, sir.
SALA
Didn't she give her name?--You'll have to excuse me a moment, gentlemen. (_He goes toward the valet, and both disappear into the house_)
JULIAN
You are going away?
FELIX
Yes. And I am very happy this occasion has offered itself.
JULIAN
Have you also informed yourself concerning the real nature of this undertaking?
FELIX
It means at any rate genuine activity and the opening of wider worlds.
JULIAN
And couldn't those things be found in connection with more hopeful prospects?
FELIX
That's possible. But I don't care to wait.
[_Sala and Irene enter._
IRENE (_still on the terrace, talking to Sala_)
I couldn't leave Vienna without keeping my promise.
SALA
And I thank you for it, Miss Herms.
IRENE (_descending into the garden with Sala_)
You have a wonderful place here.--How do you do, Julian? Good evening, Lieutenant.
SALA
You should have come earlier, Miss Herms, so that you could have seen it in full sunlight.
IRENE
Why, I was here two hours ago. But it was like an enchanted castle. It was impossible to get in. The bell didn't ring at all.
SALA
Oh, of course! I hope you pardon. If I had had the slightest idea....
IRENE