CHAPTER XII.
ADVERB.
[Illustration: LUCY READS VERY OFTEN
ADVERB]
“Now Dr. Verb,” said Judge Grammar, next day, “I am ready to hear what is your great complaint against Pronoun.”
“Why, my lord, when he is in the Objective Case----”
“I object, I object!” exclaimed the Judge, while a general murmur of disapproval ran through the court. “No, no, we have had enough with the Nominative Case; we will not have another case brought in. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, sir, to keep us listening to your nonsense about an Objective case, while your devoted friend Adverb is waiting to be heard. Sit down, and let Adverb speak.”
“Devoted friend!” muttered Dr. Verb, as he obeyed. “I am sure I often wish he would leave me alone. He sticks on to me so tight sometimes, that we look like one instead of two, and he is a good weight to carry. Besides, he is always teasing by asking _why_, and _when_, and _how_ everything is done. Friend, indeed!”
But Adverb did not hear what Dr. Verb was muttering. He came forward, bowing politely, and rubbing his hands together, as if he were washing them.
“_Very much_ obliged, indeed,” he said, smoothly; “_very_ kind of my friend Dr. Verb to give way to me! _So_ like him!”
“You seem to be fonder of him than he is of you,” remarked the Judge. “Pray, why do you follow him so closely?”
“I like to hear what he says, and to point out to others _how exceedingly well_ he speaks,” answered Adverb.
“He is always exaggerating my words,” grumbled Dr. Verb. “If I say I like anything, Adverb puts in _very much indeed_ or _extremely well_, or some such silly words; or, if he is in a bad temper, then he flatly contradicts me, and says, _no_, or _not_, or _never_. If I say _will_, he adds _not_, and makes it _will not_; if I say _can_, he makes it _cannot_, even sticking his word on to mine as if it were part of it. Sometimes he does worse. He actually dares to alter my word after he has stuck his tail on to it, and so he makes _will not_ into _won’t_, _cannot_ into _can’t_, _shall not_ into _sha’n’t_, and so on. The _wo’_, and _ca’_, and _sha’_, is all he has left me, and the _n’t_ is his.”
“Has he always treated you in this way?” asked the Judge.
“As long as I can remember, my lord,” answered Dr. Verb. “That is why, when we were at school together, the boys called him _Adverb_, because he was always _adding_ his words on to mine. And he has kept the name ever since.”
“Your lordship must remember,” remarked Adverb, in a mild tone, still rubbing his hands very smoothly together, “that Dr. Verb is _rather_ out of temper this morning, and is, _perhaps_, _not quite_ just. For _indeed_ it is a fact that I make his words _much more_ useful than they _otherwise_ would be. Besides, I treat Mr. Adjective in _much_ the same way, and he does not complain.”
“It is quite true,” remarked Adjective, coming forward, delighted to get a chance of using his tongue; “it is quite true that Adverb has his word to say about me, just as much as about Dr. Verb. He is always putting _very_, _quite_, _more_, _most_, and words of that sort, before my adjectives, and exaggerating them: as, _very_ beautiful, _quite_ charming, _more_ obstinate, _most_ provoking, and I do not complain of him for that. But one thing I do complain of, my lord, and that is, that Adverb will take my words, right good adjectives, stick a _ly_ on to them, and call them his adverbs. For instance, he takes _bright_, puts _ly_ to it, and makes it _brightly_; he takes _bad_, and makes it _badly_; _nice_, and makes it _nicely_; _beautiful_, and makes it _beautifully_.”
Judge Grammar at this held up his forefinger, and solemnly shook his head, till he nearly shook his wig off.
“Mr. Adjective, Mr. Adjective!” he said, “I am surprised at you. You complain of Adverb for doing the very thing that you do yourself. We all know that you keep your pockets full of tails ready to stick on to your neighbours’ words--_ful_, _ous_, _able_, _like_, _ly_, and plenty more, and you use them as often as you can with other people’s words. But when Adverb uses his one little _ly_ with _your_ words, then you are up in arms directly. And yet you know very well that according to the laws of Grammar-land every Part-of-Speech may make as many new words out of old ones as he likes, and is to be praised, not blamed, for it. Adverb may put his _ly_ on to as many of your words as he can, and you have no right to find fault. I wonder at both you and Dr. Verb. You ought to agree with Adverb better.”
“We none of us agree with him,” remarked Pronoun, “nor he with us.”
“He certainly has no number, or person, or case,” replied the Judge; “but he is none the worse for that. He gives Serjeant Parsing less trouble than some of you. What did you say about asking questions, Adverb?”
“I teach the game of _how_, _when_, and _where_,” replied Adverb; “_how_, _when_, and _where_, are all my words, and so are the answers to them.
_How_ do you like it? pray you tell? _Not too much_, _extremely well_. _When_ do you like it, tell me _when_? _To-day_, _to-morrow_, _now_, and _then_. _Where_ do you like it, answer fair? _Here_ and _there_ and _everywhere_.
All these words that answer _how_, _when_, and _where_, are mine,” continued Adverb, “and so are the forfeit words _yes_, _no_, or _nay_.”
“Ah! but _black_, _white_, and _grey_ are mine,” said Adjective, interrupting; “and please, your lordship, you were mistaken in saying that Adverb has only one tail, _ly_, to put on to other people’s words. What do you think of _upwards_, _downwards_, _homeward_, _forward_?”
“Yes, they are certainly adverbs,” said the Judge, “and you might say that _wards_ and _ward_ are the tails he has added on to _up_, _down_, _home_, _for_; but these words are not yours, Mr. Adjective, so you have no right to interfere.”
“Well, my lord,” replied Adjective, “at any rate I have a right to speak about _once_, _twice_, _thrice_, for Adverb has stolen them from my _one_, _two_, _three_.”
“_Once_, _twice_, _thrice_,” repeated the Judge; “is that all?”
“He has not got a word for four times,” answered Adjective; “_once_, _twice_, _thrice_, and _away_, is all that he can say.”
“Then I think,” said the Judge, “that you ought to be ashamed to grudge them to him, when you have _one_, _two_, _three_, and as many more as you can count; besides _first_, _second_, _third_, _fourth_, and all that list. I do not like such greedy ways, and as a punishment, I order you to hand up a list of adjectives to be turned into adverbs. Our friends may take them to Schoolroom-shire and put a _ly_ to each of them; then they will be adverbs, and will answer to one of Adverb’s questions, _how_, _when_, or _where_.”
This is the list Mr. Adjective made out.
quick bright soft strong distinct clear neat sharp sudden late punctual regular sly cunning false true pretty dainty funny free happy awful
[Illustration]