Part 3

CLAVELLY. Good Lord, how awful! But here, this room ... it seems all right, except ... someone’s upset a scent-bottle!

NOSEGAY [_going to the mantelpiece and taking the spray which he has put down there_]. No, sir, it’s this, sir. I use it every morning, and always after his lordship has been here—Not that it has much effect then, sir!

CLAVELLY. Good heavens! Is it as bad as that?

NOSEGAY. Yes, sir; it’s very bad, sir.

CLAVELLY [_his natural cheerfulness somewhat damped_]. Well, perhaps you had better tell Lord Belvoir I’m here.

NOSEGAY. Yes, sir [_he hesitates_]. Perhaps you won’t mind my making a suggestion, sir, but....

CLAVELLY. Certainly, Nosegay, what is it?

NOSEGAY. Well, you see, sir, this is the first time you have seen his lordship since....

CLAVELLY. Since the Raub dinner?

NOSEGAY. Yes, sir, and ... it will be a great shock, sir. It might help you if you smoked. [_Hesitating and in a lower voice._] And there’s another thing, sir, his face. It’ll startle you, sir!

CLAVELLY. Oh, I see. Right! Thanks very much, Nosegay. [_He takes out his case and proceeds to light a cigarette._

[NOSEGAY _goes out carrying the scent-spray. After an interval of a few minutes the door opens, and_ LORD BELVOIR _enters in a dark silk flowered dressing-gown. The change in the man is extraordinary. At_ SIR SOLOMON’S _dinner he would have passed as a good-looking young Englishman of about thirty-three, rather dark, with a slightly uncommon sensitive expression and the eyes of an artist, but very youthful, almost immature in spite of his age, like many Englishmen of his class. Now he looks every year of his age and more. There is a strange, almost mocking, expression on his face, and his eyes seem extraordinarily alive. His face has gone a bright blue, the colour of the Popomack. As he enters, closing the door behind him_, CLAVELLY _gasps, but moves towards him, holding out his hand_.

CLAVELLY. How are you, Reggie?

BELVOIR [_letting his hand drop_]. Smoking, Clavelly?

CLAVELLY [_taken aback and fearfully disconcerted by the popomack smell that proceeds from_ LORD BELVOIR]. I only ... I didn’t know ... I’ll throw it away.

[_He is about to throw the cigarette into the fireplace._

BELVOIR. No, no, that’s all right. They all do it. Everyone I see—not that I see many nowadays [_grimly_]. You’ll find you need it.

CLAVELLY [_finding himself unconsciously retreating from_ BELVOIR _pulls himself up sharply and comes nearer_]. But, I say, can’t anything be done?

BELVOIR. Tell me, Clavelly, this is the first time you’ve seen me since—since the night. Do you find it very strong?

CLAVELLY [_trying to look as if he were giving an opinion on a matter of no importance_]. Well, I don’t know. Perhaps it’s a bit of a shock at first, but I daresay....

BELVOIR. It’s no use, Clavelly. You should see your face.

CLAVELLY [_with a burst of artificial energy_]. Look here, Reggie, this is damned unnatural! Surely something can be done?

BELVOIR [_quietly_]. No, nothing. I’ve tried everything, do you hear? Everything!

CLAVELLY [_helplessly_]. But it’ll wear off. It’s sure to wear off.

BELVOIR [_ironically_]. You really think so?

CLAVELLY [_stubbornly_]. Yes, of course I do; it must.

BELVOIR. So many people have said that. Try and think of something more original.

CLAVELLY [_desperately_]. Have you tried anything? Have you seen any specialists?

BELVOIR [_ironically_]. Oh, no, of course not. Why should I? There’s nothing wrong with me, is there? Have another cigarette? Take one of these; they’re specially strong. I keep them on purpose.

CLAVELLY. Damn your cigarettes! Why don’t you talk decently to a fellow?

BELVOIR [_lifting his eyebrows_]. What do you want me to say? That you are the victim of your imagination? That this is a momentary illusion? That all will be well to-morrow? Comfortable lies to soften a quarter of an hour’s unpleasantness! I’ve lied all my life, but I’ve done with lies now!

CLAVELLY [_obstinately_]. I can’t believe there’s nothing to be done.

BELVOIR. You’ll have to believe it. [_with a change of tone_] Not that it really matters. For my part, I see no reason why _anything_ should be done.

CLAVELLY [_sullenly_]. I don’t understand you.

BELVOIR. I am not conscious of this unpleasantness which apparently afflicts my friends in my presence. To myself, I am a healthy, normal person. Why should I fill the rôle they invent for me, and be the catspaw of their diseased imaginations?

CLAVELLY. Do you mean to say you don’t believe there is anything the matter with you?

BELVOIR [_frigidly_]. I must ask you to be more careful in your language. The fact that we have known each other for some time does not give you the right to make insulting remarks before my face.

CLAVELLY [_heatedly_]. Well, if that’s the way you are going to take it....

BELVOIR [_coldly_]. Do you suppose there is any other way of taking it? Shall I call you a fool, and wait for you to argue mildly that you don’t believe it? Or shall I say that you stink like a skunk?

CLAVELLY. [_Appalled_]. But.... [_He stammers incoherently._

BELVOIR. There are no doubt people who accept their character as their friends see it, and live the life their friends expect them to live. People who have no existence except in the minds of others and who seek to know what others think of them in order that they may live at all. I am not one of those people.

CLAVELLY. But there is no getting away from facts.

BELVOIR. What are the facts? My presence, let us say, arouses a particularly unpleasant sensation in you. Am I to pretend that I share that sensation when I do not? Am I to regulate my life on the assumption that my presence is an offence to you and a few others who, I must say, seem to me in no way indispensable to my existence?

CLAVELLY. Well, you cannot ignore their feelings.

BELVOIR. If I cannot share them, or if they deprive me of my self-respect, I _must_ ignore them.

CLAVELLY. Look here, you know this is all nonsense! Why not be sensible and let me help you? It must be possible to do something?

BELVOIR [_deliberately_]. Clavelly, I have had three months of being sensible and allowing my friends to help me, and what have they done? They have turned me into a perfectly useless, helpless object on which to exercise their emotions. I might as well be paralysed in mind and brain, and have lost control of every limb as lead the life I have led since last November. I have become a mere phenomenon to be dragged from one specialist to another, to be exhibited carefully to a few select friends, to be taken out to lunch or dinner occasionally with as much preparation and stage-management as would shift an army corps. I have watched my friends actually blooming in health through their activity in exploiting the emotional and theatrical possibilities of _me_. Yes, I have become a mere puppet—an interesting puppet, a puppet that eats and walks and sleeps, but which exists solely for the amusement of those who pull its strings, and has no life of its own to interfere with theirs. Presently they will get tired of me, and I shall be handed on to others. There always will be others, always an inexhaustible supply of fresh people to whom I shall be a novelty and a curiosity. But I have had enough of it: I am going to live my own life.

[_During the conversation_ CLAVELLY _smokes hard, and edges involuntarily away from_ BELVOIR _whenever he comes near. Now when he thinks that_ BELVOIR _is not looking, he takes one of the special cigarettes_ BELVOIR _pointed out to him_.

CLAVELLY [_comfortably handing him the cigarette box_]. Well, I don’t see what you are going to do. What about Muriel?

BELVOIR [_hotly_]. What has Muriel got to do with you!

CLAVELLY [_flushing_]. Nothing ... I only wondered how she was taking it. [_lamely_] I haven’t seen her for some time—you know I’ve been away.

BELVOIR. Pity you ever came back. I should have thought Africa was just the place for you.

CLAVELLY. Now my dear old chap you’re not going to ruffle me. I take it that your engagement is not yet broken off.

BELVOIR. What did you come here for? Have you no better way of spending your time?

CLAVELLY. Look here, isn’t there anything I can do for you?

BELVOIR [_with a deliberate sneer_]. How much longer do you think you can stand it?

CLAVELLY [_flushing_]. I didn’t come here to be insulted by an old friend.

BELVOIR. Are you sure?

CLAVELLY [_nettled_]. Well, if you are determined to act in this manner there is nothing for me but to go.

BELVOIR. Your limited intelligence is working at last.

[CLAVELLY, _furious, seizes his hat and stick and leaves the room without another word._ BELVOIR _paces about the room for a few minutes and then, standing near the curtains, suddenly sniffs the air. He frowns violently and rings the bell._

_Enter_ NOSEGAY.

BELVOIR. What is this smell of scent?

NOSEGAY [_blandly_]. What scent, my lord?

BELVOIR. Damn you! Don’t quibble with me! The place reeks of scent. Who brought it?

[NOSEGAY _does not reply_. BELVOIR _stares at him furiously as if about to strike him, and then with a tremendous effort controls himself, and walks away_.

NOSEGAY. You have never objected to it before, my lord, and I have been doing it for the last month.

[BELVOIR _is facing the window with his back to_ NOSEGAY; _after a few seconds he turns_.

BELVOIR. Nosegay, I want to talk to you. I have no fault to find with you, but if you are to stay with me, we must understand each other. It is possible that you would like to find another situation [NOSEGAY _shakes his head_]. Wait a moment! If you do—and in the circumstances it would be only natural, and I should in no way resent it—I shall make it my business to find you a situation in every way as good as your place with me before ... before the event of three months ago.

NOSEGAY [_after a slight pause, simply_]. I have no wish to leave you, my lord.

BELVOIR. Thank you, Nosegay. And I should feel parting with you deeply. But we must not let any feeling of ... friendship blind us into imagining that it will bear the strain of our ordinary daily life. The situation must be a possible one without any feeling entering into it on one side or the other. Do you understand me?

NOSEGAY. Perfectly, my lord.

BELVOIR. Good! [_pauses, then resolutely._] Now, do you think you can put up with and totally ignore this ... this affliction of mine indefinitely? Don’t you feel that it will become too much for you?

NOSEGAY. May I ask, my lord, is it ... permanent?

BELVOIR. Yes. At all events, I am going to act henceforth as if it were. I am going to seek no cure. I am going to put it completely out of my mind and out of my life. It does not exist for me. It must not exist for you. But is that possible?

NOSEGAY. Will you permit me to ask a personal question, my lord? I have often wondered, but do you not notice it at all yourself?

BELVOIR. Absolutely not at all! Now can you live with me, and put it completely out of your mind?

NOSEGAY [_slowly_]. Yes, my lord, I think I can. I never had a very keen sense of....

BELVOIR [_smiling_]. No! Or you couldn’t have sprayed the room with that filthy scent. Well, no more of that sort of thing, mind! And now we’ll consider it settled [_the bell rings_]. See who it is.

[_Exit_ NOSEGAY _and re-enters after a second_.

NOSEGAY. Sir Philo Phaoron, my lord.

BELVOIR. Show him up. [_Exit_ NOSEGAY.

[_A noise as of a man dragging upstairs heavily is heard, then a curiously muffled voice shouting_, Mind those pipes, Nosegay! This way! Be careful now! _Suddenly the door flies open and_ SIR PHILO PHAORON _enters clothed from head to foot in a complete diving-dress, followed by_ NOSEGAY _carrying the long air pipes and communicating line. Waving one hand to_ BELVOIR, _he has a speaking trumpet in the other with which he signals to_ NOSEGAY _to deposit the tubes on the floor_.

[_Exit_ NOSEGAY _closing the door_.

Whatever’s the meaning of this, Phaoron?

[SIR PHILO _lumbers heavily across to the window and opens it. Putting his trumpet to his helmet he shouts_ More air! Pump harder, you devils! I’m suffocating! _Then he closes it, turns and waves both hands to_ BELVOIR, _and shouts through his speaking trumpet_.

SIR PHILO. Help me open this!

[BELVOIR _unscrews a nut as he is directed and then the front of the helmet swings open, revealing the beaming face of_ SIR PHILO _covered with perspiration_.] Phew! it’s hot in this rig-out. What a relief to find no one here! Well, my boy, how are you? Isn’t this a magnificent idea? [_Pointing to his diving-suit._ LORD BELVOIR _continues to stare at him in amazement_.] I only thought of it the other day. Now I can go anywhere. It’s absolutely air-proof.

BELVOIR. Do you mean to say that you’ve been about in that get-up?

SIR PHILO. Certainly! and what is more, my boy, it’s been an immense success. Three nights ago I tried it for the first time at the Royal Geographical Society’s dinner. I had been fearfully upset at the thought of missing it. You know life hasn’t really been worth living these last three months, and the idea that I should never go there again just about put the finishing touch on. I was sitting at home—I hadn’t been out for a couple of weeks—reading some rotten book, _The Memoirs of a New Guinea Magistrate_ it was, and the fellow was describing the diving in the pearl fisheries there when the idea suddenly came to me. I jumped up, went to the telephone, ordered the whole rig-out, and hired two seamen and a pumping engine—Do you hear it? It’s outside—and tried it. It was perfect. Now my man dresses me in the morning, and when the fellows arrive they put the engine in the car, and I can go anywhere.

BELVOIR. Good God! And how did you get on at the dinner?

SIR PHILO. Of course, I couldn’t eat anything, but my reception was tremendous. There was a fellow there who had just come back from climbing Mount Everest, but he was an absolute frost. No one took the slightest notice of him. At dinner I made a speech—with this trumpet and a special metal diaphragm in the helmet I can speak perfectly—I rose in a perfect storm of cheers. ‘Gentlemen,’ I said, ‘you see before you one who has suffered a severe blow at the hands of Fate—a calamity such as has hitherto befallen no living man’ (Of course we don’t know about those Chinese fellows who have eaten it. Probably they smelt so much already that they never noticed it.) ‘But nothing, gentlemen, can daunt the spirit of a member of the Royal Geographical Society.’ At this they positively yelled at me. Earl Brasston—you know old Copper-eye—slapped me on the back; he was nearly delirious, poor fellow, and drank my health, but they pulled him down, and shouted ‘Go on! go on!’ So I went on—I went on for nearly an hour. Upon my soul, I couldn’t have believed I was capable of such eloquence. And the scene afterwards was terrific. They sent down drinks to my seamen, and I was in a panic lest they should get drunk and forget to pump, but all went well. And do you know, I’m simply loaded with invitations. And I’ve got to spend next week-end at Brasston, the old boy absolutely insisted. I say! I forgot to tell those fellows to stop pumping! [_He rushes to the window, opens it and shouts._] Stop pumping there, until I let you know!

BELVOIR. Well, I suppose you feel the problem’s solved?

SIR PHILO [_ever so slightly damped_]. Well, it’s a solution, isn’t it?

BELVOIR. And what about the enquiries Professor Hermann was making?

SIR PHILO. About that antidote? I heard from him; he has found nothing; but [_cheerfully_] I am not going to bother about that now.

BELVOIR. Do you propose to go about for the rest of your days like this?

SIR PHILO. Why not? As a matter of fact, I rather enjoy it. After all, dress is a mere matter of convention. It’s only a question of getting used to it. Everybody I’ve seen so far has been thrilled by my appearance.

BELVOIR. And how long do you think that’s going to last?

SIR PHILO. Oh! I don’t know, and in any case there’ll always be fresh worlds to conquer—‘To-morrow to fresh woods and pastures new.’ Just imagine my first appearance in Paris at the Institut Français. Old Flammarion would think me a new star.

BELVOIR [_sighing_]. Ah, well! I suppose it’s possible.

SIR PHILO. Possible, of course it’s possible! It’s rather different for you, I admit. My life outside this apparatus is over. I can retire to my shell, and the little society I need I can now get by taking my shell along with me. In fact, I need never come out of it. All that exists of me to-day at my age is a voice, still issuing from this decaying body whose increasing foulness I henceforth disguise for ever. Only my spirit shall move among men, like a sound issuing out of the tomb.

BELVOIR [_thoughtfully_]. Do you know, I believe you are right.

SIR PHILO. I’m sure of it. I consider myself most fortunate. I am like a man in the Arabian Nights to whom in a dream some marvellous transformation has happened, but I am awake, and it is still true. I wouldn’t go back now to the days before I ate the popomack for anything. That reminds me, have there been any answers to our advertisement in the _Times_?

BELVOIR. Not yet, but of course it is still appearing.

SIR PHILO. Did you arrange for it to appear at the same time in the Shanghai and Pekin papers?

BELVOIR. Yes, but I’m not very hopeful.

[_The bell rings and presently_ NOSEGAY _enters_.

NOSEGAY. Sir Solomon Raub. [_Exit_ NOSEGAY.

[_Enter_ SIR SOLOMON, _in top hat, morning coat, white spats, looking as glossy and confident as ever, but with, for the curious observer, a slight uneasiness beneath his outward smooth manner. In his ears and nostrils are wads of cotton wool._

SIR SOLOMON. How d’ye do, Belvoir?

[_He suddenly sees_ SIR PHILO.

SIR PHILO [_beaming_]. ’Morning, Sir Solomon. [_He slaps him on the back, and one of the cotton-wool wads drops out._] What’s this? [_Picking it up._

SIR SOLOMON [_slightly ruffled, snatching it and putting it in his nose again, pointing to_ SIR PHILO’S _diving-suit_]. And what may I ask is this?

SIR PHILO. This is my new way of dressing, Sir Solomon. In future you will always see me arrayed, not as the inferior mass of mankind, but as one who has eaten the popomack.

SIR SOLOMON [_glaring at him_]. I’m glad you think it a subject for tomfoolery. Four days ago you told me you couldn’t stand it any longer, and threatened to commit suicide. My health’s getting ruined for want of sleep. I’ve not slept for weeks. I’m worn out rushing from place to place seeing people, to try to discover some means of getting rid of this awful thing, and here you stand and joke about it!

SIR PHILO [_cheerfully_]. Have you seen the _Times_ this morning?

SIR SOLOMON. No, I haven’t. I’ve just glanced at it!

SIR PHILO. Well, you evidently did not read the account of the Royal Geographical Society’s dinner. I was the hero of it. The man from the Himalayas was nowhere.

SIR SOLOMON. You! At the dinner!

SIR PHILO. Yes.

SIR SOLOMON. How? Whatever do you mean?

SIR PHILO. I in my new popomack equipment. Didn’t you notice the two sailors and the vacuum cleaner outside the house as you came in?

SIR SOLOMON. Yes. I saw some sort of machine in a car. [_Shortly._

SIR PHILO [_triumphantly_]. Well, it’s mine, but it’s not a vacuum cleaner, it’s a diving pump for my diving-dress. I was just going when you came. I’ll be off now and give you a demonstration. [_He goes and opens the window._] Hallo! Start pumping there! [_He closes the window._] [_To_ BELVOIR]. Help me to screw this on [_With the help of_ BELVOIR _he screws on the face of the diving helmet, then lifts his speaking trumpet to his face_.] Call Nosegay to help me down. [BELVOIR _rings_.

[NOSEGAY _enters and takes up his air pipes_.

Carefully, Nosegay! Good-bye, my boy. Au revoir, Sir Solomon. Don’t forget to read that article in the _Times_ [_at the door to_ BELVOIR]. Let me know if you get any answer to the advertisement. [_Exit with_ NOSEGAY.

[SIR SOLOMON _and_ BELVOIR _sit down gloomily and listen to the car driving away. The noise fades. Silence._

SIR SOLOMON. I always thought that man was a buffoon.

BELVOIR. Perhaps, but he has solved the problem.

SIR SOLOMON. You don’t mean to say you think you can carry on like that?

BELVOIR. No, he has only solved his own problem. It remains for me to solve mine.

SIR SOLOMON. Did he tell you what Hermann says?

BELVOIR. He told me they had no hope of being able to do anything.

SIR SOLOMON. And I’ve heard the same from the Oriental School of Medicine in Paris.

BELVOIR. Well? I’m not going to trouble about anything of that sort in the future.

SIR SOLOMON [_alarmed_]. What do you mean?

BELVOIR [_as if thinking to himself_]. It has nothing to do with my life. To bother oneself with it at all is a mere concession to other people’s feelings—like wearing a top hat at a wedding.

SIR SOLOMON [_somewhat relieved_]. Well, how many weddings would you be asked to if you made a habit of appearing in flannels, or—to use a much nearer analogy—naked.

BELVOIR. More than you think, perhaps; but I don’t grant your analogy.

SIR SOLOMON. The difference is very slight, I assure you. You find it difficult to realize now. You probably forget at times that there is anything the matter with you at all since you yourself cannot notice it [BELVOIR _winces_]. But can’t you remember, can’t you recall what it was like when I cut it—before you ate it?

BELVOIR. Well, it can’t be so unendurable when you’ve been sitting here for some time ... and there’s Nosegay.

SIR SOLOMON [_pointing to his nosepad_]. This is a very inadequate protection, I assure you, but nevertheless without it I could not stay here much longer. Even so, I suffer extreme discomfort.

BELVOIR [_rising_]. I’ve no wish to inconvenience you.

SIR SOLOMON. Please sit down. Any formality of that sort is out of place between us.

BELVOIR [_bitterly_]. Yes, you think I have lost even the right to a conventional courtesy.

SIR SOLOMON. Well, it’s no use living in a fool’s paradise. If I have to come into a man’s presence padded like this he cannot be squeamish about trifles.

BELVOIR [_hostile_]. I am not aware that I asked you to come.

SIR SOLOMON. What do you mean? Come, don’t be foolish. I only want to help you.

BELVOIR. And I am not aware of having asked for your help.