Part 16

were ordered to affect to treat her book as the production of a mad woman. Nay, more, BOB CLAPPER,[5] another star of this galaxy, and _quite worthy of being one_, considering that he lives with another man’s wife and is always drunk, was also set to _bell_ all over London that Sir JANUS’S victim was mad, which really was very unfair towards FUDGESTER, as they had just concocted a job appointment for him, and inducted him into it, under the very appropriate title of Purveyor of Lunatics to the Literary Fund. But if Sir JANUS had only had the goodness, instead of _saying_ and telling his gang to say all this, _to have instituted a medical inquiry, or any other inquiry_, that could have his Wife’s conduct and his own _examined into, thoroughly sifted, and brought before the public_, she would have been, and still would be, infinitely obliged to him. But no! the calumnies of this most loathsome and utterly contemptible _Clique_, like their _charities_ (?), are upon the principle of _publicity_ and _self-security_. With regard to the former, they stab in the back and in the dark; with regard to the latter—_via_ the _Times_—they dip their hands into other people’s pockets; and no matter, as far as Sir JANUS ALLPUFF is concerned, if his Victim wife has been hunted down to the lowest straits of pecuniary destitution, as long as _his_ name figures in £100 subscriptions for restoring Churches, or any other sound-of-trumpet doings, he will still have the Reverend Incumbent of any living in _his_ gift, swearing that he is a reformed character!! and FUDGESTER endeavouring to demonstrate to the British public, by dint of brass and ink, that what _might_ have the appearance of a bare-faced plagiary in others, is the highest proof and evidence of profound _originality_ in Sir JANUS ALLPUFF, and that _so_ any _generous_ critic must admit; and certainly it is very easy for critics, _à la_ FUDGESTER, to be generous with other people’s property, and there is no generosity in giving people what they don’t want; so FUDGESTER is quite right to give _his_ friends as much honour, originality, and generosity as he possibly can. But it was not to be supposed that the clever Sir JANUS, with such a _corps d’esprit_ (?) at his command, would let his Victim rest; so he next sets a fellow calling himself a theatrical manager (?), of the name of “LEYTON,” to write to her, demanding permission to dramatise one of her Novels. Now the motive of this was two-fold: first, it inculpated the rare jest of leading the poor, struggling, financially-crippled Wife to suppose that she was about to get a little money, which would be a great godsend to her, considering the terrible embarrassments his ceaseless conspiracies had entailed on her; and next, it established a correspondence under the pretext of arranging the scenes and condensing the plot of the play, which correspondence was drawled out over the space of several months, which of course kept Sir JANUS perfectly in possession of his Victim’s whereabouts. But at length even such a very bungling plotter as this very “_clever_” man felt the hum of the play could not last for ever; consequently the plot began to thicken, and the _soi-disant_ Mr. LEYTON was sent with a woman, who had every appearance of being a street-walker, in _person_, and under the name of BARNES. This phase of the plot consisted in getting into the same house as Sir JANUS’S victim, and giving her the trouble and expense of getting out of it; and at a later period of the plot, this low fellow BARNES wrote her a most infamous letter, the handwriting of which was precisely the same as the letters of the _soi-disant_ LEYTON. But as Sir JANUS ALLPUFF invariably adopts the opposite _verbal_ virtue to the particular vice he may be at the moment practising, about this time he was seized in the House of Commons with such a “_generous_” (a favourite _word_ of his) horror of the under-hand and the anonymous, that _he_ would like to have every article in a newspaper signed with the writer’s name! But surely he must have uttered this _fanfarronade_ under the full conviction that such an absurd law never would or could be passed; for otherwise, what dreadful high wages some of his doers of dirty work would require for some of the paragraphs, _pro_ and _con._, which they are ordered to indite! Shocking to think of! for it almost makes one see, in one’s mind’s eye, Sir JANUS _himself_ reduced to such a state of pecuniary destitution as not to have coin sufficient to pay for a raspberry puff, much less for a literary one! Thus hunted out of the miserable and remote village in which she had taken refuge, Sir JANUS’S victim left it, not letting anyone know the place she was going to, which so exasperated her tyrant to think that she should for even a week, a day, or an hour, escape from his persecutions, that the next time the miserable pittance he doles out to her became due, and from which he even deducts the Income Tax! he positively refused to pay it to one of her solicitors till he had a clergyman’s certificate from the place where she then was, _guaranteeing that she was alive_, and this he no doubt thought a very _clever_ way of finding out where she was. But honesty is always not only braver, but shrewder, than rascality, not only because it has nothing to fear, but because all resources are within its grasp, and as his Victim was determined not to yield to this disgusting, though too ridiculous, piece of petty tyranny—a very clever lawyer of hers, and one as honest as he is clever, soon brought that contemptible wretch Sir JANUS and his rascally attorney to his senses by writing them word what he would do if this disgraceful swindle which he calls an allowance was not paid instantly. Of course he soon hunted out his Victim again, but his spy (everyone being now forewarned) was sent about her business in a manner that must have rather surprised her and her “gifted” employer, and as now there is a talk of a general election, with what he himself and FUDGESTER would call those “high and generous instincts” for his own safety which never quit him, I suppose he will keep quiet for some little time, and he had better!

“What a contemptible, dastardly set of Blackguards, to be sure!”

“You’d say so, sir, if you knew as much of them as I do.”

“Egad! I think you’ve told me quite enough. How old is this Sir JANUS ALLPUFF, and what sort of a looking fellow is he?”

“Well, sir, in years, I don’t believe he is much more than fifty, but from the horrible life he has led he looks eighty; however, in the puffs, of course, all this is attributed to his literary labours. His person is not so easy to describe; it is the head of a goat on the body of a grasshopper. But it’s the expression of his face that is so horrible; the lines in it make it look like an intersected map of Vice, bounded on one side by the Black Sea of Hypocrisy, on the other by the Falsehood Mountains.”

[Illustration]

FOOTNOTES

[1] _Genius_ was written originally, but was obliterated, and _talent_ substituted for it.

[2] This is something like RICHARDSON’S transfer to HOLKER; and HOLKER’S anticipated assignment to MONTAGU CORRY: and HOLKER like COPLEY, or LYNDHURST, will no doubt sit on the Bench!!! Thus HOLKER helps to get Dr. KENEALY disbarred and destroyed, because, unlike HOLKER, he is not fit to belong to an “honourable profession,” and all the Ministry look on, and uphold, and applaud!!!

[3] The “medical men” here referred to are Mr. ROSS, an apothecary, of Farringdon street, City, and Mr. HALE THOMPSON, of Clarges-street, formerly connected with the Westminster Hospital.

[4] Lady MORGAN.

[5] BOB CLAPPER—the late Mr. ROBERT BELL, author of “Marriage, a Comedy.” JERICHO JABBER is DISRAELI.

INDEX TO “A BLIGHTED LIFE.”

Account of Jean Hestier, the poor orphan, 60

Anecdote of Sir E. L.’s brutality to his wife, 76

Appendix, 76

Attempt to induce Lady L. to live with her husband, 58

Aylmer’s, Lady, Ball at, 6

Bell, Mr. Robert, spreads the report of the pretended madness of Lady L., 12

Blackburn, Lady, Money lent by, and Mr. L.’s notions of honour, 65

Brellisford, the Maid, Courage of, 10

Clarke’s, Mrs., interview with Sir E.’s solicitor, 37

Cockburn, described, 6; alluded to, 47, 69; tries to borrow money from Sir E., scene, 70

Cole, Mr., Q.C., alluded to, 64, 69; Lady L. gives a testimonial to, 70

D—— and Wyndham Lewis, 20

Deacon, Miss Laura, Account of, 23, 24

Dedication of “Lucille” defended, 47, 57

Dickens, Charles, described, 4; “In Memoriam” by, 22

Directions to her son in case of Lady L.’s death, 49

Divorce Court, Why Lady L. did not apply to, 50

Drives with Mary H. described, 39, 43

E. J.’s flattering account of Sir E. in an American Court, 72

Grattan, alluded to, 41

H——, the Madhouse Keeper, driven from Brentford, 55

Hertford Election, Lady L. speaks at, 27

Hodgson, the good attorney, 8

Hotham, Lady, Visit to, 8

Hyde, Mr., Lady L.’s solicitor, opposes Sir E.’s plot to prevent the pittance being paid, 17

Interview with her son described by Lady L., 50

Lady Lytton describes her son’s conduct, 44; abandoned by him abroad, 59; ceases to have intercourse with him, 66

Lamartine quoted, 6

Llangollen, Mrs. P., the spy, at, 8

Lawrence, the Quaker, and Lord L., 71, 73

Leighton set upon Lady L., 10

London, Lady L. visits, and is trapped, 33

Loudon, Mrs., Account of, 7

Lytton, Sir E., lectures on the Holiness of Truth, 11; on the scene of abduction, 35; drummed out of Nice, 40

Lyndhurst, Lord, applied to, 19; his letter, 19

Lyndhurst, Lord, and Lady Sykes, 6, 20; his conduct as to Lady L.’s papers, 22

Madhouse conspiracy carried out, 35; Arrival at, 36; Waking at, for the first time, 38

Maginn, Dr., alluded to, 63

Mary H——, Lady L’s little friend, described, 37; Drives with, described, 39, 43

Massey, Lord, alluded to, 41

Norton, Mrs., 6; Anecdote of, 18; Trial of, 63

O’Kane and Palmerston, Case of, 63

Plot as to copyright of “Very Successful,” 67

Queen, The, and Prince Albert compared, 19; alluded to, 42

R——, Miss, 47; as a spy, 54

Return from abroad and reception at Taunton, 61

Roberts, Dr. Oily Gammon, described, 43

Shaftesbury, Lord, and the trusteeship, 53, 57, 65

Sparrow, the maid, 38

Stepney, Lady, alluded to, 76

“Strange Story, A,” alluded to, 19

Terror of Lord L. in his son, 56

Talfourd, Mr. Serjt., and his Custody of Infants Bill, 5

Whalley, Mr., sent for, 17

INDEX TO SUPPLEMENTAL NOTES.

Allpuff, Sir Janus, 102, 105, 106, 107

“An Englishman’s” letter to the _Daily Telegraph_, 97

Athol, The late Duke of, described by Lady L., 103

Brentford Asylum, Arrival at, 87

Clarke, Mrs., refuses to allow Lady L.’s goods to be removed, 83

Clapper, Bob, 105

Cockburn, Sir Alex., alluded to, 102

_Daily Telegraph_, The, Extracts from, 90, 94, 99

Forster, Mr. John, 102

Gorgon, Lady, 105

Hertford Election, 83

Hill, Mr., the keeper of the Brentford Asylum, and his grievance, 101

Hyde, Mr., Lady L.’s solicitor, alluded to, 88

Income of Lady L. shamefully small, 82

Jabber, Mr. Jericho, 105

Knebworth to let, Advertisement of, 102

Letters to the _Daily Telegraph_, 90, 95, 96, 99

Letter of Mr. Lytton to the _Daily Telegraph_, 96

Letter of Mr. Forbes Winslow to Edwin James, Q.C., 96

Letter of Dr. Connolly, 97

Leyton, Mr., alluded to, 106

London, Lady L.’s visit to, and abduction, 85

Lytton, Lady, described, 79

Lytton, Sir E., on the scene of abduction, 87

Lytton, Lord, the first, 102

Madhouse dens and the Lunacy Laws, Preface, iii.

Meeting of the inhabitants of Taunton, and the resolutions passed, 88

Sketch of Lord Lytton, 93

_Somerset Gazette_ Extract from, 79

Thompson, Dr., visits Lady L., 84

“Very Successful,” Extract from, 102, 103

[Illustration: THE END.]