Part I
never believed him to be so utterly void of Principle as People say--and tho' he has lost all his Friends I am told nobody is better spoken of--by the Jews.
CRABTREE. That's true egad nephew--if the Old Jewry was a Ward I believe Charles would be an alderman--no man more popular there, 'fore Gad I hear He pays as many annuities as the Irish Tontine and that whenever He's sick they have Prayers for the recovery of his Health in the synagogue--
SIR BENJAMIN. Yet no man lives in greater Splendour:--they tell me when He entertains his Friends--He can sit down to dinner with a dozen of his own Securities, have a score Tradesmen waiting in the Anti-Chamber, and an officer behind every guest's Chair.
SURFACE. This may be entertainment to you Gentlemen but you pay very little regard to the Feelings of a Brother.
MARIA. Their malice is intolerable--Lady Sneerwell I must wish you a good morning--I'm not very well.
[Exit MARIA.]
MRS. CANDOUR. O dear she chang'd colour very much!
LADY SNEERWELL. Do Mrs. Candour follow her--she may want assistance.
MRS. CANDOUR. That I will with all my soul ma'am.--Poor dear Girl--who knows--what her situation may be!
[Exit MRS. CANDOUR.]
LADY SNEERWELL. 'Twas nothing but that she could not bear to hear Charles reflected on notwithstanding their difference.
SIR BENJAMIN. The young Lady's Penchant is obvious.
CRABTREE. But Benjamin--you mustn't give up the Pursuit for that--follow her and put her into good humour--repeat her some of your verses--come, I'll assist you--
SIR BENJAMIN. Mr. Surface I did not mean to hurt you--but depend on't your Brother is utterly undone--
[Going.]
CRABTREE. O Lud! aye--undone--as ever man was--can't raise a guinea.
SIR BENJAMIN. And everything sold--I'm told--that was movable--
[Going.]
CRABTREE. I was at his house--not a thing left but some empty Bottles that were overlooked and the Family Pictures, which I believe are framed in the Wainscot.
[Going.]
SIR BENJAMIN. And I'm very sorry to hear also some bad stories against him.
[Going.]
CRABTREE. O He has done many mean things--that's certain!
SIR BENJAMIN. But however as He is your Brother----
[Going.]
CRABTREE. We'll tell you all another opportunity.
[Exeunt.]
LADY SNEERWELL. Ha! ha! ha! 'tis very hard for them to leave a subject they have not quite run down.
SURFACE. And I believe the Abuse was no more acceptable to your Ladyship than Maria.
LADY SNEERWELL. I doubt her Affections are farther engaged than we imagin'd but the Family are to be here this Evening so you may as well dine where you are and we shall have an opportunity of observing farther--in the meantime, I'll go and plot Mischief and you shall study Sentiments.
[Exeunt.]
## SCENE II.--SIR PETER'S House
Enter SIR PETER
SIR PETER. When an old Bachelor takes a young Wife--what is He to expect--'Tis now six months since Lady Teazle made me the happiest of men--and I have been the most miserable Dog ever since that ever committed wedlock. We tift a little going to church--and came to a Quarrel before the Bells had done ringing--I was more than once nearly chok'd with gall during the Honeymoon--and had lost all comfort in Life before my Friends had done wishing me Joy--yet I chose with caution--a girl bred wholly in the country--who never knew luxury beyond one silk gown--nor dissipation above the annual Gala of a Race-Ball--Yet she now plays her Part in all the extravagant Fopperies of the Fashion and the Town, with as ready a Grace as if she had never seen a Bush nor a grass Plot out of Grosvenor-Square! I am sneered at by my old acquaintance--paragraphed--in the news Papers--She dissipates my Fortune, and contradicts all my Humours--yet the worst of it is I doubt I love her or I should never bear all this. However I'll never be weak enough to own it.
Enter ROWLEY
ROWLEY. Sir Peter, your servant:--how is 't with you Sir--
SIR PETER. Very bad--Master Rowley--very bad[.] I meet with nothing but crosses and vexations--
ROWLEY. What can have happened to trouble you since yesterday?
SIR PETER. A good--question to a married man--
ROWLEY. Nay I'm sure your Lady Sir Peter can't be the cause of your uneasiness.
SIR PETER. Why has anybody told you she was dead[?]
ROWLEY. Come, come, Sir Peter, you love her, notwithstanding your tempers do not exactly agree.
SIR PETER. But the Fault is entirely hers, Master Rowley--I am myself, the sweetest temper'd man alive, and hate a teasing temper; and so I tell her a hundred Times a day--
ROWLEY. Indeed!
SIR PETER. Aye and what is very extraordinary in all our disputes she is always in the wrong! But Lady Sneerwell, and the Set she meets at her House, encourage the perverseness of her Disposition--then to complete my vexations--Maria--my Ward--whom I ought to have the Power of a Father over, is determined to turn Rebel too and absolutely refuses the man whom I have long resolved on for her husband--meaning I suppose, to bestow herself on his profligate Brother.
ROWLEY. You know Sir Peter I have always taken the Liberty to differ with you on the subject of these two young Gentlemen--I only wish you may not be deceived in your opinion of the elder. For Charles, my life on't! He will retrieve his errors yet--their worthy Father, once my honour'd master, was at his years nearly as wild a spark.
SIR PETER. You are wrong, Master Rowley--on their Father's Death you know I acted as a kind of Guardian to them both--till their uncle Sir Oliver's Eastern Bounty gave them an early independence. Of course no person could have more opportunities of judging of their Hearts--and I was never mistaken in my life. Joseph is indeed a model for the young men of the Age--He is a man of Sentiment--and acts up to the Sentiments he professes--but for the other[,] take my word for't [if] he had any grain of Virtue by descent--he has dissipated it with the rest of his inheritance. Ah! my old Friend, Sir Oliver will be deeply mortified when he finds how Part of his Bounty has been misapplied.
ROWLEY. I am sorry to find you so violent against the young man because this may be the most critical Period of his Fortune. I came hither with news that will surprise you.
SIR PETER. What! let me hear--
ROWLEY. Sir Oliver is arrived and at this moment in Town.
SIR PETER. How!--you astonish me--I thought you did not expect him this month!--
ROWLEY. I did not--but his Passage has been remarkably quick.
SIR PETER. Egad I shall rejoice to see my old Friend--'Tis sixteen years since we met--We have had many a Day together--but does he still enjoin us not to inform his Nephews of his Arrival?
ROWLEY. Most strictly--He means, before He makes it known to make some trial of their Dispositions and we have already planned something for the purpose.
SIR PETER. Ah there needs no art to discover their merits--however he shall have his way--but pray does he know I am married!
ROWLEY. Yes and will soon wish you joy.
SIR PETER. You may tell him 'tis too late--ah Oliver will laugh at me--we used to rail at matrimony together--but He has been steady to his Text--well He must be at my house tho'--I'll instantly give orders for his Reception--but Master Rowley--don't drop a word that Lady Teazle and I ever disagree.
ROWLEY. By no means.
SIR PETER. For I should never be able to stand Noll's jokes; so I'd have him think that we are a very happy couple.
ROWLEY. I understand you--but then you must be very careful not to differ while He's in the House with you.
SIR PETER. Egad--and so we must--that's impossible. Ah! Master Rowley when an old Batchelor marries a young wife--He deserves--no the crime carries the Punishment along with it.
[Exeunt.]
END OF THE FIRST ACT
## ACT II
## SCENE I.--SIR PETER and LADY TEAZLE
SIR PETER. Lady Teazle--Lady Teazle I'll not bear it.
LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter--Sir Peter you--may scold or smile, according to your Humour[,] but I ought to have my own way in everything, and what's more I will too--what! tho' I was educated in the country I know very well that women of Fashion in London are accountable to nobody after they are married.
SIR PETER. Very well! ma'am very well! so a husband is to have no influence, no authority?
LADY TEAZLE. Authority! no, to be sure--if you wanted authority over me, you should have adopted me and not married me[:] I am sure you were old enough.
SIR PETER. Old enough--aye there it is--well--well--Lady Teazle, tho' my life may be made unhappy by your Temper--I'll not be ruined by your extravagance--
LADY TEAZLE. My extravagance! I'm sure I'm not more extravagant than a woman of Fashion ought to be.
SIR PETER. No no Madam, you shall throw away no more sums on such unmeaning Luxury--'Slife to spend as much to furnish your Dressing Room with Flowers in winter as would suffice to turn the Pantheon into a Greenhouse, and give a Fete Champetre at Christmas.
LADY TEAZLE. Lord! Sir Peter am I to blame because Flowers are dear in cold weather? You should find fault with the Climate, and not with me. For my