Part I
believe there never was a Scandalous Tale without some foundation.<3>
LADY SNEERWELL. Come Ladies shall we sit down to Cards in the next Room?
Enter SERVANT, whispers SIR PETER
SIR PETER. I'll be with them directly.--
[Exit SERVANT.] I'll get away unperceived.
LADY SNEERWELL. Sir Peter you are not leaving us?
SIR PETER. Your Ladyship must excuse me--I'm called away by particular Business--but I leave my Character behind me--
[Exit.]
SIR BENJAMIN. Well certainly Lady Teazle that lord of yours is a strange being--I could tell you some stories of him would make you laugh heartily if He wern't your Husband.
LADY TEAZLE. O pray don't mind that--come do let's hear 'em.
[join the rest of the Company going into the Next Room.]
SURFACE. Maria I see you have no satisfaction in this society.
MARIA. How is it possible I should? If to raise malicious smiles at the infirmities or misfortunes of those who have never injured us be the province of wit or Humour, Heaven grant me a double Portion of Dullness--
SURFACE. Yet they appear more ill-natured than they are--they have no malice at heart--
MARIA. Then is their conduct still more contemptible[;] for in my opinion--nothing could excuse the intemperance of their tongues but a natural and ungovernable bitterness of Mind.
SURFACE. Undoubtedly Madam--and it has always been a sentiment of mine--that to propagate a malicious Truth wantonly--is more despicable than to falsify from Revenge, but can you Maria feel thus [f]or others and be unkind to me alone--nay is hope to be denied the tenderest Passion.--
MARIA. Why will you distress me by renewing this subject--
SURFACE. Ah! Maria! you would not treat me thus and oppose your guardian's Sir Peter's wishes--but that I see that my Profligate Brother is still a favour'd Rival.
MARIA. Ungenerously urged--but whatever my sentiments of that unfortunate young man are, be assured I shall not feel more bound to give him up because his Distresses have sunk him so low as to deprive him of the regard even of a Brother.
SURFACE. Nay but Maria do not leave me with a Frown--by all that's honest, I swear----Gad's Life here's Lady Teazle--you must not--no you shall--for tho' I have the greatest Regard for Lady Teazle----
MARIA. Lady Teazle!
SURFACE. Yet were Sir Peter to suspect----
[Enter LADY TEAZLE, and comes forward]
LADY TEAZLE. What's this, Pray--do you take her for me!--Child you are wanted in the next Room.--What's all this, pray--
SURFACE. O the most unlucky circumstance in Nature. Maria has somehow suspected the tender concern I have for your happiness, and threaten'd to acquaint Sir Peter with her suspicions--and I was just endeavouring to reason with her when you came.
LADY TEAZLE. Indeed but you seem'd to adopt--a very tender mode of reasoning--do you usually argue on your knees?
SURFACE. O she's a Child--and I thought a little Bombast----but Lady Teazle when are you to give me your judgment on my Library as you promised----
LADY TEAZLE. No--no I begin to think it would be imprudent--and you know I admit you as a Lover no farther than Fashion requires.
SURFACE. True--a mere Platonic Cicisbeo, what every London wife is entitled to.
LADY TEAZLE. Certainly one must not be out of the Fashion--however, I have so much of my country Prejudices left--that--though Sir Peter's ill humour may vex me ever so, it never shall provoke me to----
SURFACE. The only revenge in your Power--well I applaud your moderation.
LADY TEAZLE. Go--you are an insinuating Hypocrite--but we shall be miss'd--let us join the company.
SURFACE. True, but we had best not return together.
LADY TEAZLE. Well don't stay--for Maria shan't come to hear any more of your Reasoning, I promise you--
[Exit.]
SURFACE. A curious Dilemma truly my Politics have run me into. I wanted at first only to ingratiate myself with Lady Teazle that she might not be my enemy with Maria--and I have I don't know how--become her serious Lover, so that I stand a chance of Committing a Crime I never meditated--and probably of losing Maria by the Pursuit!--Sincerely I begin to wish I had never made such a Point of gaining so very good a character, for it has led me into so many curst Rogueries that I doubt I shall be exposed at last.
[Exit.]
## SCENE III.--At SIR PETER'S
--ROWLEY and SIR OLIVER--
SIR OLIVER. Ha! ha! ha! and so my old Friend is married, hey?--a young wife out of the country!--ha! ha! that he should have stood Bluff to old Bachelor so long and sink into a Husband at last!
ROWLEY. But you must not rally him on the subject Sir Oliver--'tis a tender Point I assure you though He has been married only seven months.
SIR OLIVER. Ah then he has been just half a year on the stool of Repentance--Poor Peter! But you say he has entirely given up Charles--never sees him, hey?
ROWLEY. His Prejudice against him is astonishing--and I am sure greatly increased by a jealousy of him with Lady Teazle--which he has been industriously led into by a scandalous Society--in the neighbourhood--who have contributed not a little to Charles's ill name. Whereas the truth is[,] I believe[,] if the lady is partial to either of them his Brother is the Favourite.
SIR OLIVER. Aye--I know--there are a set of malicious prating prudent Gossips both male and Female, who murder characters to kill time, and will rob a young Fellow of his good name before He has years to know the value of it. . . but I am not to be prejudiced against my nephew by such I promise you! No! no--if Charles has done nothing false or mean, I shall compound for his extravagance.
ROWLEY. Then my life on't, you will reclaim him. Ah, Sir, it gives me new vigour to find that your heart is not turned against him--and that the son of my good old master has one friend however left--
SIR OLIVER. What! shall I forget Master Rowley--when I was at his house myself--egad my Brother and I were neither of us very prudent youths--and yet I believe you have not seen many better men than your old master was[.]
ROWLEY. 'Tis this Reflection gives me assurance that Charles may yet be a credit to his Family--but here comes Sir Peter----
SIR OLIVER. Egad so He does--mercy on me--He's greatly altered--and seems to have a settled married look--one may read Husband in his Face at this Distance.--
Enter SIR PETER
SIR PETER. Ha! Sir Oliver--my old Friend--welcome to England--a thousand Times!
SIR OLIVER. Thank you--thank you--Sir Peter--and Efaith I am as glad to find you well[,] believe me--
SIR PETER. Ah! 'tis a long time since we met--sixteen year I doubt Sir Oliver--and many a cross accident in the Time--
SIR OLIVER. Aye I have had my share--but, what[!] I find you are married--hey my old Boy--well--well it can't be help'd--and so I wish you joy with all my heart--
SIR PETER. Thank you--thanks Sir Oliver.--Yes, I have entered into the happy state but we'll not talk of that now.
SIR OLIVER. True true Sir Peter old Friends shouldn't begin on grievances at first meeting. No, no--
ROWLEY. Take care pray Sir----
SIR OLIVER. Well--so one of my nephews I find is a wild Rogue--hey?
SIR PETER. Wild!--oh! my old Friend--I grieve for your disappointment there--He's a lost young man indeed--however his Brother will make you amends; Joseph is indeed what a youth should be--everybody in the world speaks well of him--
SIR OLIVER. I am sorry to hear it--he has too good a character to be an honest Fellow. Everybody speaks well of him! Psha! then He has bow'd as low to Knaves and Fools as to the honest dignity of Virtue.
SIR PETER. What Sir Oliver do you blame him for not making Enemies?
SIR OLIVER. Yes--if He has merit enough to deserve them.
SIR PETER. Well--well--you'll be convinced when you know him--'tis edification to hear him converse--he professes the noblest Sentiments.
SIR OLIVER. Ah plague on his Sentiments--if he salutes me with a scrap sentence of morality in his mouth I shall be sick directly--but however don't mistake me Sir Peter I don't mean to defend Charles's Errors--but before I form my judgment of either of them, I intend to make a trial of their Hearts--and my Friend Rowley and I have planned something for the Purpose.
ROWLEY. And Sir Peter shall own he has been for once mistaken.
SIR PETER. My life on Joseph's Honour----
SIR OLIVER. Well come give us a bottle of good wine--and we'll drink the Lads' Healths and tell you our scheme.
SIR PETER. Alons [Allons], then----
SIR OLIVER. But don't Sir Peter be so severe against your old Friend's son.
SIR PETER. 'Tis his Vices and Follies have made me his Enemy.--
ROWLEY. Come--come--Sir Peter consider how early He was left to his own guidance.
SIR OLIVER. Odds my Life--I am not sorry that He has run out of the course a little--for my Part, I hate to see dry Prudence clinging to the green juices of youth--'tis like ivy round a sapling and spoils the growth of the Tree.
END OF THE SECOND ACT
## ACT III
## SCENE I.--At SIR PETER'S
SIR PETER, SIR OLIVER, and ROWLEY
SIR PETER. Well, then, we will see the Fellows first and have our wine afterwards.--but how is this, Master Rowley--I don't see the Jet of your scheme.
ROWLEY. Why Sir--this Mr. Stanley whom I was speaking of, is nearly related to them by their mother. He was once a merchant in Dublin--but has been ruined by a series of undeserved misfortunes--and now lately coming over to solicit the assistance of his friends here--has been flyng [flung] into prison by some of his Creditors--where he is now with two helpless Boys.--
SIR OLIVER. Aye and a worthy Fellow too I remember him. But what is this to lead to--?
ROWLEY. You shall hear--He has applied by letter both to Mr. Surface and Charles--from the former he has received nothing but evasive promises of future service, while Charles has done all that his extravagance has left him power to do--and He is at this time endeavouring to raise a sum of money--part of which, in the midst of his own distresses, I know He intends for the service of poor Stanley.
SIR OLIVER. Ah! he is my Brother's Son.
SIR PETER. Well, but how is Sir Oliver personally to----
ROWLEY. Why Sir I will inform Charles and his Brother that Stanley has obtain'd permission to apply in person to his Friends--and as they have neither of them ever seen him[,] let Sir Oliver assume his character--and he will have a fair opportunity of judging at least of the Benevolence of their Dispositions.
SIR PETER. Pshaw! this will prove nothing--I make no doubt Charles is Coxcomb and thoughtless enough to give money to poor relations if he had it--
SIR OLIVER. Then He shall never want it--. I have brought a few Rupees home with me Sir Peter--and I only want to be sure of bestowing them rightly.--
ROWLEY. Then Sir believe me you will find in the youngest Brother one who in the midst of Folly and dissipation--has still, as our immortal Bard expresses it,--
"a Tear for Pity and a Hand open as the day for melting Charity."
SIR PETER. Pish! What signifies his having an open Hand or Purse either when He has nothing left to give!--but if you talk of humane Sentiments--Joseph is the man--Well, well, make the trial, if you please. But where is the fellow whom you brought for Sir Oliver to examine, relative to Charles's affairs?
ROWLEY. Below waiting his commands, and no one can give him better intelligence--This, Sir Oliver, is a friendly Jew, who to do him justice, has done everything in his power to bring your nephew to a proper sense of his extravagance.
SIR PETER. Pray let us have him in.
ROWLEY. Desire Mr. Moses to walk upstairs.
[Calls to SERVANT.]
SIR PETER. But Pray why should you suppose he will speak the truth?
ROWLEY. Oh, I have convinced him that he has no chance of recovering certain Sums advanced to Charles but through the bounty of Sir Oliver, who He knows is arrived; so that you may depend on his Fidelity to his interest. I have also another evidence in my Power, one Snake, whom I shall shortly produce to remove some of YOUR Prejudices[,] Sir Peter[,] relative to Charles and Lady Teazle.
SIR PETER. I have heard too much on that subject.
ROWLEY. Here comes the honest Israelite.
Enter MOSES --This is Sir Oliver.
SIR OLIVER. Sir--I understand you have lately had great dealings with my Nephew Charles.
MOSES. Yes Sir Oliver--I have done all I could for him, but He was ruined before He came to me for Assistance.
SIR OLIVER. That was unlucky truly--for you have had no opportunity of showing your Talents.
MOSES. None at all--I hadn't the Pleasure of knowing his Distresses till he was some thousands worse than nothing, till it was impossible to add to them.
SIR OLIVER. Unfortunate indeed! but I suppose you have done all in your Power for him honest Moses?
MOSES. Yes he knows that--This very evening I was to have brought him a gentleman from the city who does not know him and will I believe advance some money.
SIR PETER. What[!] one Charles has never had money from before?
MOSES. Yes[--]Mr. Premium, of Crutched Friars.
SIR PETER. Egad, Sir Oliver a Thought strikes me!--Charles you say does'nt know Mr. Premium?
MOSES. Not at all.
SIR PETER. Now then Sir Oliver you may have a better opportunity of satisfying yourself than by an old romancing tale of a poor Relation--go with my friend Moses and represent Mr. Premium and then I'll answer for't you'll see your Nephew in all his glory.
SIR OLIVER. Egad I like this Idea better than the other, and I may visit Joseph afterwards as old Stanley.
SIR PETER. True so you may.
ROWLEY. Well this is taking Charles rather at a disadvantage, to be sure--however Moses--you understand Sir Peter and will be faithful----
MOSES. You may depend upon me--and this is near the Time I was to have gone.
SIR OLIVER. I'll accompany you as soon as you please, Moses----but hold--I have forgot one thing--how the plague shall I be able to pass for a Jew?
MOSES. There's no need--the Principal is Christian.
SIR OLIVER. Is He--I'm very sorry to hear it--but then again--an't I rather too smartly dressed to look like a money-Lender?
SIR PETER. Not at all; 'twould not be out of character, if you went in your own carriage--would it, Moses!
MOSES. Not in the least.
SIR OLIVER. Well--but--how must I talk[?] there's certainly some cant of usury and mode of treating that I ought to know.
SIR PETER. Oh, there's not much to learn--the great point as I take it is to be exorbitant enough in your Demands hey Moses?
MOSES. Yes that's very great Point.
SIR OLIVER. I'll answer for't I'll not be wanting in that--I'll ask him eight or ten per cent. on the loan--at least.
MOSES. You'll be found out directly--if you ask him no more than that, you'll be discovered immediately.
SIR OLIVER. Hey!--what the Plague!--how much then?
MOSES. That depends upon the Circumstances--if he appears not very anxious for the supply, you should require only forty or fifty per cent.--but if you find him in great Distress, and want the monies very bad--you may ask double.
SIR PETER. A good--[h]onest Trade you're learning, Sir Oliver--
SIR OLIVER. Truly, I think so--and not unprofitable--
MOSES. Then you know--you haven't the monies yourself, but are forced to borrow them for him of a Friend.
SIR OLIVER. O I borrow it of a Friend do I?
MOSES. And your friend is an unconscion'd Dog--but you can't help it.
SIR OLIVER. My Friend's an unconscionable Dog, is he?
MOSES. Yes--and He himself hasn't the monies by him--but is forced to sell stock--at a great loss--
SIR OLIVER. He is forced to sell stock is he--at a great loss, is he--well that's very kind of him--
SIR PETER. Efaith, Sir Oliver--Mr. Premium I mean--you'll soon be master of the Trade--but, Moses would have him inquire if the borrower is a minor--
MOSES. O yes--
SIR PETER. And in that case his Conscience will direct him--
MOSES. To have the Bond in another Name to be sure.
SIR OLIVER. Well--well I shall be perfect--
SIR PETER. But hearkee wouldn't you have him also run out a little against the annuity Bill--that would be in character I should think--
MOSES. Very much--
ROWLEY. And lament that a young man now must be at years of discretion before He is suffered to ruin himself!
MOSES. Aye, great Pity!
SIR PETER. And abuse the Public for allowing merit to an act whose only object is to snatch misfortune and imprudence from the rapacious Relief of usury! and give the minor a chance of inheriting his estate without being undone by coming into Possession.
SIR OLIVER. So--so--Moses shall give me further instructions as we go together.
SIR PETER. You will not have much time[,] for your Nephew lives hard bye--
SIR OLIVER. Oh Never--fear[:] my Tutor appears so able that tho' Charles lived in the next street it must be my own Fault if I am not a compleat Rogue before I turn the Corner--
[Exeunt SIR OLIVER and MOSES.]
SIR PETER. So--now I think Sir Oliver will be convinced--you shan't follow them Rowley. You are partial and would have prepared Charles for 'tother plot.
ROWLEY. No upon my word Sir Peter--
SIR PETER. Well, go bring me this Snake, and I'll hear what he has to say presently. I see Maria, and want to speak with her.--
[Exit ROWLEY.] I should be glad to be convinced my suspicions of Lady Teazle and Charles were unjust--I have never yet opened my mind on this subject to my Friend Joseph. . . . I am determined. I will do it--He will give me his opinion sincerely.--
Enter MARIA
So Child--has Mr. Surface returned with you--
MARIA. No Sir--He was engaged.
SIR PETER. Well--Maria--do you not reflect[,] the more you converse with that amiable young man[,] what return his Partiality for you deserves?
MARIA. Indeed Sir Peter--your frequent importunity on this subject distresses me extremely--you compell me to Declare that I know no man who has ever paid me a particular Attention whom I would not prefer to Mr. Surface--
SIR PETER. Soh! Here's Perverseness--no--no--Maria, 'tis Charles only whom you would prefer--'tis evident his Vices and Follies have won your Heart.
MARIA. This is unkind Sir--You know I have obey'd you in neither seeing nor corresponding with him--I have heard enough to convince me that He is unworthy my regard--Yet I cannot think it culpable--if while my understanding severely condemns his Vices, my Heart suggests some Pity for his Distresses.
SIR PETER. Well well pity him as much as you please, but give your Heart and Hand to a worthier object.
MARIA. Never to his Brother!
SIR PETER. Go--perverse and obstinate! but take care, Madam--you have never yet known what the authority of a Guardian is--don't compel me to inform you of it.--
MARIA. I can only say, you shall not have just Reason--'tis true, by my Father's will I am for a short period bound to regard you as his substitute, but I must cease to think you so when you would compel me to be miserable.
[Exit.]
SIR PETER. Was ever man so crossed as I am[?] everything conspiring to fret me! I had not been involved in matrimony a fortnight[,] before her Father--a hale and hearty man, died on purpose, I believe--for the Pleasure of plaguing me with the care of his Daughter . . . but here comes my Helpmate!--She appears in great good humour----how happy I should be if I could teaze her into loving me tho' but a little----
Enter LADY TEAZLE
LADY TEAZLE. Lud! Sir Peter I hope you haven't been quarrelling with Maria? It isn't using me well to be ill humour'd when I am not bye--!
SIR PETER. Ah! Lady Teazle you might have the Power to make me good humour'd at all times--
LADY TEAZLE. I am sure--I wish I had--for I want you to be in a charming sweet temper at this moment--do be good humour'd now--and let me have two hundred Pounds will you?
SIR PETER. Two hundred Pounds! what an't I to be in a good humour without paying for it--but speak to me thus--and Efaith there's nothing I could refuse you. You shall have it--but seal me a bond for the repayment.
LADY TEAZLE. O no--there--my Note of Hand will do as well--
SIR PETER. And you shall no longer reproach me with not giving you an independent settlement--I shall shortly surprise you--and you'll not call me ungenerous--but shall we always live thus--hey?
LADY TEAZLE. If you--please--I'm sure I don't care how soon we leave off quarrelling provided you'll own you were tired first--
SIR PETER. Well--then let our future contest be who shall be most obliging.
LADY TEAZLE. I assure you Sir Peter Good Nature becomes you--you look now as you did before we were married--when you used to walk with me under the Elms, and tell me stories of what a Gallant you were in your youth--and chuck me under the chin you would--and ask me if I thought I could love an old Fellow who would deny me nothing--didn't you?
SIR PETER. Yes--yes--and you were as kind and attentive----
LADY TEAZLE. Aye so I was--and would always take your Part, when my acquaintance used to abuse you and turn you into ridicule--
SIR PETER. Indeed!
LADY TEAZLE. Aye--and when my cousin Sophy has called you a stiff peevish old batchelor and laugh'd at me for thinking of marrying one who might be my Father--I have always defended you--and said I didn't think you so ugly by any means, and that you'd make a very good sort of a husband--
SIR PETER. And you prophesied right--and we shall certainly now be the happiest couple----
LADY TEAZLE. And never differ again.
SIR PETER. No never--tho' at the same time indeed--my dear Lady Teazle--you must watch your Temper very narrowly--for in all our little Quarrels--my dear--if you recollect my Love you always began first--
LADY TEAZLE. I beg your Pardon--my dear Sir Peter--indeed--you always gave the provocation.
SIR PETER. Now--see, my Love take care--contradicting isn't the way to keep Friends.
LADY TEAZLE. Then don't you begin it my Love!
SIR PETER. There now--you are going on--you don't perceive[,] my Life, that you are just doing the very thing my Love which you know always makes me angry.
LADY TEAZLE. Nay--you know if you will be angry without any reason--my Dear----
SIR PETER. There now you want to quarrel again.
LADY TEAZLE. No--I am sure I don't--but if you will be so peevish----
SIR PETER. There--now who begins first?
LADY TEAZLE. Why you to be sure--I said nothing[--]but there's no bearing your Temper.
SIR PETER. No--no--my dear--the fault's in your own temper.
LADY TEAZLE. Aye you are just what my Cousin Sophy said you would be--
SIR PETER. Your Cousin Sophy--is a forward impertinent Gipsey--
LADY TEAZLE. Go you great Bear--how dare you abuse my Relations--
SIR PETER. Now may all the Plagues of marriage be doubled on me, if ever I try to be Friends with you any more----
LADY TEAZLE. So much the Better.
SIR PETER. No--no Madam 'tis evident you never cared a pin for me--I was a madman to marry you--
LADY TEAZLE. And I am sure I was a Fooll to marry you--an old dangling Batchelor, who was single of [at] fifty--only because He never could meet with any one who would have him.
SIR PETER. Aye--aye--Madam--but you were pleased enough to listen to me--you never had such an offer before--
LADY TEAZLE. No--didn't I refuse Sir Jeremy Terrier--who everybody said would have been a better Match--for his estate is just as good as yours--and he has broke his Neck since we have been married!
SIR PETER. I have done with you Madam! You are an unfeeling--ungrateful--but there's an end of everything--I believe you capable of anything that's bad--Yes, Madam--I now believe the Reports relative to you and Charles--Madam--yes--Madam--you and Charles are--not without grounds----
LADY TEAZLE. Take--care Sir Peter--you had better not insinuate any such thing! I'll not be suspected without cause I promise you----
SIR PETER. Very--well--Madam--very well! a separate maintenance--as soon as you Please. Yes Madam or a Divorce--I'll make an example of myself for the Benefit of all old Batchelors--Let us separate, Madam.
LADY TEAZLE. Agreed--agreed--and now--my dear Sir Peter we are of a mind again, we may be the happiest couple--and never differ again, you know--ha! ha!--Well you are going to be in a Passion I see--and I shall only interrupt you--so, bye! bye! hey--young Jockey try'd and countered.
[Exit.]
SIR PETER. Plagues and tortures! She pretends to keep her temper, can't I make her angry neither! O! I am the miserable fellow! But I'll not bear her presuming to keep her Temper--No she may break my Heart--but she shan't keep her Temper.
[Exit.]
## SCENE II.--At CHARLES's House
Enter TRIP, MOSES, and SIR OLIVER
TRIP. Here Master Moses--if you'll stay a moment--I'll try whether Mr.----what's the Gentleman's Name?
SIR OLIVER. Mr.----Moses--what IS my name----
MOSES. Mr. Premium----
TRIP. Premium--very well.
[Exit TRIP--taking snuff.]
SIR OLIVER. To judge by the Servants--one wouldn't believe the master was ruin'd--but what--sure this was my Brother's House----
MOSES. Yes Sir Mr. Charles bought it of Mr. Joseph with the Furniture, Pictures, &c.--just as the old Gentleman left it--Sir Peter thought it a great piece of extravagance in him.
SIR OLIVER. In my mind the other's economy in selling it to him was more reprehensible by half.----
Enter TRIP
TRIP. My Master[,] Gentlemen[,] says you must wait, he has company, and can't speak with you yet.
SIR OLIVER. If he knew who it was wanted to see him, perhaps he wouldn't have sent such a Message.
TRIP. Yes--yes--Sir--He knows you are here--I didn't forget little Premium--no--no----
SIR OLIVER. Very well--and pray Sir what may be your Name?
TRIP. Trip Sir--my Name is Trip, at your Service.
SIR OLIVER. Well then Mr. Trip--I presume your master is seldom without company----
TRIP. Very seldom Sir--the world says ill-natured things of him but 'tis all malice--no man was ever better beloved--Sir he seldom sits down to dinner without a dozen particular Friends----
SIR OLIVER. He's very happy indeed--you have a pleasant sort of Place here I guess?
TRIP. Why yes--here are three or four of us pass our time agreeably enough--but then our wages are sometimes a little in arrear--and not very great either--but fifty Pounds a year and find our own Bags and Bouquets----
SIR OLIVER. Bags and Bouquets!--Halters and Bastinadoes! [Aside.]
TRIP. But a propos Moses--have you been able to get me that little Bill discounted?
SIR OLIVER. Wants to raise money too!--mercy on me! has his distresses, I warrant[,] like a Lord--and affects Creditors and Duns! [Aside.]
MOSES. 'Twas not be done, indeed----
TRIP. Good lack--you surprise me--My Friend Brush has indorsed it and I thought when he put his name at the Back of a Bill 'twas as good as cash.
MOSES. No 'twouldn't do.
TRIP. A small sum--but twenty Pound--harkee, Moses do you think you could get it me by way of annuity?
SIR OLIVER. An annuity! ha! ha! a Footman raise money by annuity--Well done Luxury egad! [Aside.]
MOSES. Who would you get to join with you?
TRIP. You know my Lord Applice--you have seen him however----
MOSES. Yes----
TRIP. You must have observed what an appearance he makes--nobody dresses better, nobody throws off faster--very well this Gentleman will stand my security.
MOSES. Well--but you must insure your Place.
TRIP. O with all my Heart--I'll insure my Place, and my Life too, if you please.
SIR OLIVER. It's more than I would your neck----
MOSES. But is there nothing you could deposit?
TRIP. Why nothing capital of my master's wardrobe has drop'd lately--but I could give you a mortgage on some of his winter Cloaths with equity of redemption before November or--you shall have the reversion--of the French velvet, or a post obit on the Blue and Silver--these I should think Moses--with a few Pair of Point Ruffles as a collateral security--hey, my little Fellow?
MOSES. Well well--we'll talk presently--we detain the Gentlemen----
SIR OLIVER. O pray don't let me interrupt Mr. Trip's Negotiation.
TRIP. Harkee--I heard the Bell--I believe, Gentlemen I can now introduce you--don't forget the annuity little Moses.
SIR OLIVER. If the man be a shadow of his Master this is the Temple of Dissipation indeed!
[Exeunt.]
## SCENE III.--CHARLES, CARELESS, etc., etc.
At Table with Wine
CHARLES. 'Fore Heaven, 'tis true!--there is the great Degeneracy of the age--many of our acquaintance have Taste--Spirit, and Politeness--but plague on't they won't drink----
CARELESS. It is so indeed--Charles--they give into all the substantial Luxuries of the Table--and abstain from nothing but wine and wit--Oh, certainly society suffers by it intolerably--for now instead of the social spirit of Raillery that used to mantle over a glass of bright Burgundy their conversation is become just like the Spa water they drink which has all the Pertness and flatulence of champaine without its spirit or Flavour.
FIRST GENTLEMAN. But what are they to do who love Play better than wine----
CARELESS. True--there's Harry diets himself--for gaming and is now under a hazard Regimen.
CHARLES. Then He'll have the worst of it--what you wouldn't train a horse for the course by keeping him from corn--For my Part egad I am never so successful as when I'm a little--merry--let me throw on a Bottle of Champaine and I never lose--at least I never feel my losses which is exactly the same thing.
SECOND GENTLEMAN. Aye that may be--but it is as impossible to follow wine and play as to unite Love and Politics.
CHARLES. Pshaw--you may do both--Caesar made Love and Laws in a Breath--and was liked by the Senate as well as the Ladies--but no man can pretend to be a Believer in Love, who is an abjurer of wine--'tis the Test by which a Lover knows his own Heart--fill a dozen Bumpers to a dozen Beauties, and she that floats atop is the maid that has bewitched you.
CARELESS. Now then Charles--be honest and give us yours----
CHARLES. Why I have withheld her only in compassion to you--if I toast her you should give a round of her Peers, which is impossible! on earth!
CARELESS. O, then we'll find some canonized Vestals or heathen Goddesses that will do I warrant----
CHARLES. Here then--Bumpers--you Rogues--Bumpers! Maria--Maria----
FIRST GENTLEMAN. Maria who?
CHARLES. Oh, damn the Surname 'tis too formal to be register'd in Love's calendar--but now Careless beware--beware--we must have Beauty's superlative.
FIRST GENTLEMAN. Nay Never study[,] Careless--we'll stand to the Toast--tho' your mistress should want an eye--and you know you have a song will excuse you----
CARELESS. Egad so I have--and I'll give him the song instead of the Lady.----
SONG.--AND CHORUS--<4>
Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen; Here's to the widow of fifty; Here's to the flaunting extravagant quean, And here's to the housewife that's thrifty. Chorus. Let the toast pass,-- Drink to the lass, I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for a glass.
Here's to the charmer whose dimples we prize; Now to the maid who has none, sir; Here's to the girl with a pair of blue eyes, And here's to the nymph with but one, sir. Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c.
Here's to the maid with a bosom of snow: Now to her that's as brown as a berry: Here's to the wife with a face full of woe, And now to the damsel that's merry. Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c.
For let 'em be clumsy, or let 'em be slim, Young or ancient, I care not a feather; So fill a pint bumper quite up to the brim, So fill up your glasses, nay, fill to the brim, And let us e'en toast them together. Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c.
[Enter TRIP whispers CHARLES]
SECOND GENTLEMAN. Bravo Careless--Ther's Toast and Sentiment too.
FIRST GENTLEMAN. E' faith there's infinite charity in that song.----
CHARLES. Gentlemen, you must excuse me a little.--Careless, take the Chair, will you?
CARELESS. Nay prithee, Charles--what now--this is one of your Peerless Beauties I suppose--has dropped in by chance?
CHARLES. No--Faith--to tell you the Truth 'tis a Jew and a Broker who are come by appointment.
CARELESS. O dam it let's have the Jew in.
FIRST GENTLEMAN. Aye and the Broker too by all means----
SECOND GENTLEMAN. Yes yes the Jew and the Broker.
CHARLES. Egad with all my Heart--Trip--bid the Gentlemen walk in--tho' there's one of them a Stranger I can tell you----
TRIP. What Sir--would you chuse Mr. Premium to come up with----
FIRST GENTLEMAN. Yes--yes Mr. Premium certainly.
CARELESS. To be sure--Mr. Premium--by all means Charles, let us give them some generous Burgundy, and perhaps they'll grow conscientious----
CHARLES. O, Hang 'em--no--wine does but draw forth a man's natural qualities; and to make them drink would only be to whet their Knavery.
Enter TRIP, SIR OLIVER, and MOSES
CHARLES. So--honest Moses--walk in--walk in pray Mr. Premium--that's the Gentleman's name isn't it Moses.
MOSES. Yes Sir.
CHARLES. Set chairs--Trim.--Sit down, Mr Premium.--Glasses Trim.--sit down Moses.--Come, Mr. Premium I'll give you a sentiment--Here's Success to Usury--Moses fill the Gentleman a bumper.
MOSES. Success to Usury!
CARELESS. Right Moses--Usury is Prudence and industry and deserves to succeed----
SIR OLIVER. Then Here is--all the success it deserves! [Drinks.]
CHARLES. Mr. Premium you and I are but strangers yet--but I hope we shall be better acquainted by and bye----
SIR OLIVER. Yes Sir hope we shall--more intimately perhaps than you'll wish. [Aside.<5>]
CARELESS. No, no, that won't do! Mr. Premium, you have demurred at the toast, and must drink it in a pint bumper.
FIRST GENTLEMAN. A pint bumper, at least.
MOSES. Oh, pray, sir, consider--Mr. Premium's a gentleman.
CARELESS. And therefore loves good wine.
SECOND GENTLEMAN. Give Moses a quart glass--this is mutiny, and a high contempt for the chair.
CARELESS. Here, now for't! I'll see justice done, to the last drop of my bottle.
SIR OLIVER. Nay, pray, gentlemen--I did not expect this usage.
CHARLES. No, hang it, you shan't; Mr. Premium's a stranger.
SIR OLIVER. Odd! I wish I was well out of their company. [Aside.]
CARELESS. Plague on 'em then! if they won't drink, we'll not sit down with them. Come, Harry, the dice are in the next room.--Charles, you'll join us when you have finished your business with the gentlemen?
CHARLES. I will! I will!--
[Exeunt SIR HARRY BUMPER and GENTLEMEN; CARELESS following.] Careless.
CARELESS. [Returning.] Well!
CHARLES. Perhaps I may want you.
CARELESS. Oh, you know I am always ready: word, note, or bond, 'tis all the same to me.
[Exit.]
MOSES. Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentleman of the strictest honour and secrecy; and always performs what he undertakes. Mr. Premium, this is----
CHARLES. Psha! have done. Sir, my friend Moses is a very honest fellow, but a little slow at expression: he'll be an hour giving us our titles. Mr. Premium, the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant young fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent old fellow, who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough to give fifty per cent. sooner than not have it! and you, I presume, are rogue enough to take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to business without further ceremony.
SIR OLIVER. Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you are not a man of many compliments.
CHARLES. Oh, no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think best.
SIR OLIVER. Sir, I like you the better for it. However, You are mistaken in one thing; I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he's an unconscionable dog. Isn't he, Moses? And must sell stock to accommodate you. Mustn't he, Moses!
MOSES. Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn to tell a lie!
CHARLES. Right. People that speak truth generally do. But these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be bought without paying for't!
SIR OLIVER. Well, but what security could you give? You have no land, I suppose?
CHARLES. Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the bough pots out of the window!
SIR OLIVER. Nor any stock, I presume?
CHARLES. Nothing but live stock--and that's only a few pointers and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all with any of my connections?
SIR OLIVER. Why, to say the truth, I am.
CHARLES. Then you must know that I have a devilish rich uncle in the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest expectations?
SIR OLIVER. That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard; but how your expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than you can tell.
CHARLES. Oh, no!--there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm a prodigious favourite, and that he talks of leaving me everything.
SIR OLIVER. Indeed! this is the first I've heard of it.
CHARLES. Yes, yes, 'tis just so. Moses knows 'tis true; don't you, Moses?
MOSES. Oh, yes! I'll swear to't.
SIR OLIVER. Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm at Bengal. [Aside.]
CHARLES. Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to you, a post-obit on Sir Oliver's life: though at the same time the old fellow has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should be very sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.
SIR OLIVER. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me--for I might live to a hundred and never see the principal.
CHARLES. Oh, yes, you would! the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know, you would come on me for the money.
SIR OLIVER. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun you ever had in your life.
CHARLES. What! I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a life?
SIR OLIVER. No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is as hale and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.
CHARLES. There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no, the climate has hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver. Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I'm told--and is so much altered lately that his nearest relations would not know him.
SIR OLIVER. No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that his nearest relations would not know him! Ha! ha! ha! egad--ha! ha! ha!
CHARLES. Ha! ha!--you're glad to hear that, little Premium?
SIR OLIVER. No, no, I'm not.
CHARLES. Yes, yes, you are--ha! ha! ha!--you know that mends your chance.
SIR OLIVER. But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over; nay, some say he is actually arrived.
CHARLES. Psha! sure I must know better than you whether he's come or not. No, no, rely on't he's at this moment at Calcutta. Isn't he, Moses?
MOSES. Oh, yes, certainly.
SIR OLIVER. Very true, as you say, you must know better than I, though I have it from pretty good authority. Haven't I, Moses?
MOSES. Yes, most undoubted!
SIR OLIVER. But, Sir, as I understand you want a few hundreds immediately, is there nothing you could dispose of?
CHARLES. How do you mean?
SIR OLIVER. For instance, now, I have heard that your father left behind him a great quantity of massy old plate.
CHARLES. O Lud! that's gone long ago. Moses can tell you how better than I can.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Good lack! all the family race-cups and corporation-bowls!--[Aloud.] Then it was also supposed that his library was one of the most valuable and compact.
CHARLES. Yes, yes, so it was--vastly too much so for a private gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicative disposition, so I thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Mercy upon me! learning that had run in the family like an heir-loom!--[Aloud.] Pray, what has become of the books?
CHARLES. You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Premium, for I don't believe even Moses can direct you.
MOSES. I know nothing of books.
SIR OLIVER. So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose?
CHARLES. Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the family pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above: and if you have a taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have 'em a bargain!
SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn't sell your forefathers, would you?
CHARLES. Every man of them, to the best bidder.
SIR OLIVER. What! your great-uncles and aunts?
CHARLES. Ay, and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers too.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Now I give him up!--[Aloud.] What the plague, have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd's life! do you take me for Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh and blood?
CHARLES. Nay, my little broker, don't be angry: what need you care, if you have your money's worth?
SIR OLIVER. Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of the family canvas.--[Aside.] Oh, I'll never forgive him this! never!
Re-enter CARELESS
CARELESS. Come, Charles, what keeps you?
CHARLES. I can't come yet. I'faith, we are going to have a sale above stairs; here's little Premium will buy all my ancestors!
CARELESS. Oh, burn your ancestors!
CHARLES. No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Careless, we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer--so come along with us.
CARELESS. Oh, have with you, if that's the case. I can handle a hammer as well as a dice box! Going! going!
SIR OLIVER. Oh, the profligates! [Aside.]
CHARLES. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one. Gad's life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the business?
SIR OLIVER. Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a rare joke to sell one's family by auction--ha! ha!--[Aside.] Oh, the prodigal!
CHARLES. To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should he get assistance, if he can't make free with his own relations?
[Exeunt.]
SIR OLIVER. I'll never forgive him; never! never!
END OF THE THIRD ACT
## ACT IV
## SCENE I.--A Picture Room in CHARLES SURFACE'S House
Enter CHARLES, SIR OLIVER, MOSES, and CARELESS
CHARLES. Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in;--here they are, the family of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.
SIR OLIVER. And, in my opinion, a goodly collection.
CHARLES. Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait-painting; no volontiere grace or expression. Not like the works of your modern Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance, yet contrive to make your portrait independent of you; so that you may sink the original and not hurt the picture. No, no; the merit of these is the inveterate likeness--all stiff and awkward as the originals, and like nothing in human nature besides.
SIR OLIVER. Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again.
CHARLES. I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family. But come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer; here's an old gouty chair of my grandfather's will answer the purpose.
CARELESS. Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven't a hammer; and what's an auctioneer without his hammer?
CHARLES. Egad, that's true. What parchment have we here? Oh, our genealogy in full. [Taking pedigree down.] Here, Careless, you shall have no common bit of mahogany, here's the family tree for you, you rogue! This shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down my ancestors with their own pedigree.
SIR OLIVER. What an unnatural rogue!--an ex post facto parricide! [Aside.]
CARELESS. Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed;--faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the business, for 'twill not only serve as a hammer, but a catalogue into the bargain. Come, begin--A-going, a-going, a-going!
CHARLES. Bravo, Careless! Well, here's my great uncle, Sir Richard Ravelin, a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and got that cut over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium? look at him--there's a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your modern clipped captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals, as a general should be. What do you bid?
SIR OLIVER. [Aside to Moses.] Bid him speak.
MOSES. Mr. Premium would have you speak.
CHARLES. Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I'm sure that's not dear for a staff-officer.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten pounds!--[Aloud.] Very well, sir, I take him at that.
CHARLES. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard.--Here, now, is a maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller, in his best manner, and esteemed a very formidable likeness. There she is, you see, a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall have her for five pounds ten--the sheep are worth the money.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value on herself!--[Aloud.] Five pounds ten--she's mine.
CHARLES. Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here, now, are two that were a sort of cousins of theirs.--You see, Moses, these pictures were done some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair.
SIR OLIVER. Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a little lower in those days.
CHARLES. Well, take that couple for the same.
MOSES. 'Tis a good bargain.
CHARLES. Careless!--This, now, is a grandfather of my mother's, a learned judge, well known on the western circuit,--What do you rate him at, Moses?
MOSES. Four guineas.
CHARLES. Four guineas! Gad's life, you don't bid me the price of his wig.--Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack; do let us knock his lordship down at fifteen.
SIR OLIVER. By all means.
CARELESS. Gone!
CHARLES. And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt, Esquires, both members of Parliament, and noted speakers; and, what's very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever bought or sold.
SIR OLIVER. That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take them at your own price, for the honour of Parliament.
CARELESS. Well said, little Premium! I'll knock them down at forty.
CHARLES. Here's a jolly fellow--I don't know what relation, but he was mayor of Norwich: take him at eight pounds.
SIR OLIVER. No, no; six will do for the mayor.
CHARLES. Come, make it guineas, and I'll throw you the two aldermen here into the bargain.
SIR OLIVER. They're mine.
CHARLES. Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But, plague on't! we shall be all day retailing in this manner; do let us deal wholesale: what say you, little Premium? Give me three hundred pounds for the rest of the family in the lump.
CARELESS. Ay, ay, that will be the best way.
SIR OLIVER. Well, well, anything to accommodate you; they are mine. But there is one portrait which you have always passed over.
CARELESS. What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee?
SIR OLIVER. Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think him so ill-looking a little fellow, by any means.
CHARLES. What, that? Oh; that's my uncle Oliver! 'Twas done before he went to India.
CARELESS. Your uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be friends, Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance! an inveterate knave, depend on't. Don't you think so, little Premium?
SIR OLIVER. Upon my soul, Sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I suppose uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?
CHARLES. No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow has been very good to me, and, egad, I'll keep his picture while I've a room to put it in.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] The rogue's my nephew after all!--[Aloud.] But, sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that picture.
CHARLES. I'm sorry for't, for you certainly will not have it. Oons, haven't you got enough of them?
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] I forgive him everything!--[Aloud.] But, Sir, when I take a whim in my head, I don't value money. I'll give you as much for that as for all the rest.
CHARLES. Don't tease me, master broker; I tell you I'll not part with it, and there's an end of it.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] How like his father the dog is.--[Aloud.] Well, well, I have done.--[Aside.] I did not perceive it before, but I think I never saw such a striking resemblance.--[Aloud.] Here is a draught for your sum.
CHARLES. Why, 'tis for eight hundred pounds!
SIR OLIVER. You will not let Sir Oliver go?
CHARLES. Zounds! no! I tell you, once more.
SIR OLIVER. Then never mind the difference, we'll balance that another time. But give me your hand on the bargain; you are an honest fellow, Charles--I beg pardon, sir, for being so free.--Come, Moses.
CHARLES. Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow!--But hark'ee, Premium, you'll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen.
SIR OLIVER. Yes, yes, I'll send for them in a day or two.
CHARLES. But, hold; do now send a genteel conveyance for them, for, I assure you, they were most of them used to ride in their own carriages.
SIR OLIVER. I will, I will--for all but Oliver.
CHARLES. Ay, all but the little nabob.
SIR OLIVER. You're fixed on that?
CHARLES. Peremptorily.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] A dear extravagant rogue!--[Aloud.] Good day! Come, Moses.--[Aside.] Let me hear now who dares call him profligate!
[Exit with MOSES.]
CARELESS. Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever met with!
CHARLES. Egad, he's the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder how the devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow.--Ha! here's Rowley.--Do, Careless, say I'll join the company in a few moments.
CARELESS. I will--but don't let that old blockhead persuade you to squander any of that money on old musty debts, or any such nonsense; for tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant fellows.
CHARLES. Very true, and paying them is only encouraging them.
CARELESS. Nothing else.
CHARLES. Ay, ay, never fear.--
[Exit CARELESS.] So! this was an odd old fellow, indeed. Let me see, two-thirds of these five hundred and thirty odd pounds are mine by right. Fore Heaven! I find one's ancestors are more valuable relations than I took them for!--Ladies and gentlemen, your most obedient and very grateful servant. [Bows ceremoniously to the pictures.]
Enter ROWLEY
Ha! old Rowley! egad, you are just come in time to take leave of your old acquaintance.
ROWLEY. Yes, I heard they were a-going. But I wonder you can have such spirits under so many distresses.
CHARLES. Why, there's the point! my distresses are so many, that I can't affort to part with my spirits; but I shall be rich and splenetic, all in good time. However, I suppose you are surprised that I am not more sorrowful at parting with so many near relations; to be sure, 'tis very affecting; but you see they never move a muscle, so why should I?
ROWLEY. There's no making you serious a moment.
CHARLES. Yes, faith, I am so now. Here, my honest Rowley, here, get me this changed directly, and take a hundred pounds of it immediately to old Stanley.
ROWLEY. A hundred pounds! Consider only----
CHARLES. Gad's life, don't talk about it! poor Stanley's wants are pressing, and, if you don't make haste, we shall have some one call that has a better right to the money.
ROWLEY. Ah! there's the point! I never will cease dunning you with the old proverb----
CHARLES. BE JUST BEFORE YOU'RE GENEROUS.--Why, so I would if I could; but Justice is an old hobbling beldame, and I can't get her to keep pace with Generosity, for the soul of me.
ROWLEY. Yet, Charles, believe me, one hour's reflection----
CHARLES. Ay, ay, it's very true; but, hark'ee, Rowley, while I have, by Heaven I'll give; so, damn your economy! and now for hazard.
[Exeunt.]
## SCENE II.--The Parlour
Enter SIR OLIVER and MOSES
MOSES. Well sir, I think as Sir Peter said you have seen Mr. Charles in high Glory--'tis great Pity He's so extravagant.
SIR OLIVER. True--but he would not sell my Picture--
MOSES. And loves wine and women so much--
SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't sell my Picture.
MOSES. And game so deep--
SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't sell my Picture. O--here's Rowley!
Enter ROWLEY
ROWLEY. So--Sir Oliver--I find you have made a Purchase----
SIR OLIVER. Yes--yes--our young Rake has parted with his Ancestors like old Tapestry--sold Judges and Generals by the foot--and maiden Aunts as cheap as broken China.--
ROWLEY. And here has he commissioned me to re-deliver you Part of the purchase-money--I mean tho' in your necessitous character of old Stanley----
MOSES. Ah! there is the Pity of all! He is so damned charitable.
ROWLEY. And I left a Hosier and two Tailors in the Hall--who I'm sure won't be paid, and this hundred would satisfy 'em.
SIR OLIVER. Well--well--I'll pay his debts and his Benevolences too--I'll take care of old Stanley--myself--But now I am no more a Broker, and you shall introduce me to the elder Brother as Stanley----
ROWLEY. Not yet a while--Sir Peter I know means to call there about this time.
Enter TRIP
TRIP. O Gentlemen--I beg Pardon for not showing you out--this way--Moses, a word.
[Exit TRIP with MOSES.]
SIR OLIVER. There's a Fellow for you--Would you believe it that Puppy intercepted the Jew, on our coming, and wanted to raise money before he got to his master!
ROWLEY. Indeed!
SIR OLIVER. Yes--they are now planning an annuity Business--Ah Master Rowley[,] in my Day Servants were content with the Follies of their Masters when they were worn a little Thread Bare but now they have their Vices like their Birth Day cloaths with the gloss on.
[Exeunt.]
## SCENE III.--A Library
SURFACE and SERVANT
SURFACE. No letter from Lady Teazle?
SERVANT. No Sir--
SURFACE. I am surprised she hasn't sent if she is prevented from coming--! Sir Peter certainly does not suspect me--yet I wish I may not lose the Heiress, thro' the scrape I have drawn myself in with the wife--However, Charles's imprudence and bad character are great Points in my Favour.
SERVANT. Sir--I believe that must be Lady Teazle--
SURFACE. Hold[!] see--whether it is or not before you go to the Door--I have a particular Message for you if it should be my Brother.
SERVANT. 'Tis her ladyship Sir--She always leaves her Chair at the milliner's in the next Street.
SURFACE. Stay--stay--draw that Screen before the Window--that will do--my opposite Neighbour is a maiden Lady of so curious a temper!--
[SERVANT draws the screen and exit.]
I have a difficult Hand to play in this Affair--Lady Teazle as lately suspected my Views on Maria--but She must by no means be let into that secret, at least till I have her more in my Power.
Enter LADY TEAZLE
LADY TEAZLE. What[!] Sentiment in soliloquy--have you been very impatient now?--O Lud! don't pretend to look grave--I vow I couldn't come before----
SURFACE. O Madam[,] Punctuality is a species of Constancy, a very unfashionable quality in a Lady.
LADY TEAZLE. Upon my word you ought to pity me, do you now Sir Peter is grown so ill-tempered to me of Late! and so jealous! of Charles too that's the best of the story isn't it?
SURFACE. I am glad my scandalous Friends keep that up. [Aside.]
LADY TEAZLE. I am sure I wish He would let Maria marry him--and then perhaps He would be convinced--don't you--Mr. Surface?
SURFACE. Indeed I do not.--[Aside.] O certainly I do--for then my dear Lady Teazle would also be convinced how wrong her suspicions were of my having any design on the silly Girl----
LADY TEAZLE. Well--well I'm inclined to believe you--besides I really never could perceive why she should have so any admirers.
SURFACE. O for her Fortune--nothing else--
LADY TEAZLE. I believe so for tho' she is certainly very pretty--yet she has no conversation in the world--and is so grave and reserved--that I declare I think she'd have made an excellent wife for Sir Peter.--
SURFACE. So she would.
LADY TEAZLE. Then--one never hears her speak ill of anybody--which you know is mighty dull--
SURFACE. Yet she doesn't want understanding--
LADY TEAZLE. No more she does--yet one is always disapointed when one hears [her] speak--For though her Eyes have no kind of meaning in them--she very seldom talks Nonsense.
SURFACE. Nay--nay surely--she has very fine eyes--
LADY TEAZLE. Why so she has--tho' sometimes one fancies there's a little sort of a squint--
SURFACE. A squint--O fie--Lady Teazle.
LADY TEAZLE. Yes yes--I vow now--come there is a left-handed Cupid in one eye--that's the Truth on't.
SURFACE. Well--his aim is very direct however--but Lady Sneerwell has quite corrupted you.
LADY TEAZLE. No indeed--I have not opinion enough of her to be taught by her, and I know that she has lately rais'd many scandalous hints of me--which you know one always hears from one common Friend, or other.
SURFACE. Why to say truth I believe you are not more obliged to her than others of her acquaintance.
LADY TEAZLE. But isn't [it] provoking to hear the most ill-natured Things said to one and there's my friend Lady Sneerwell has circulated I don't know how many scandalous tales of me, and all without any foundation, too; that's what vexes me.
SURFACE. Aye Madam to be sure that is the Provoking circumstance--without Foundation--yes yes--there's the mortification indeed--for when a slanderous story is believed against one--there certainly is no comfort like the consciousness of having deserved it----
LADY TEAZLE. No to be sure--then I'd forgive their malice--but to attack me, who am really so innocent--and who never say an ill-natured thing of anybody--that is, of any Friend--! and then Sir Peter too--to have him so peevish--and so suspicious--when I know the integrity of my own Heart--indeed 'tis monstrous.
SURFACE. But my dear Lady Teazle 'tis your own fault if you suffer it--when a Husband entertains a groundless suspicion of his Wife and withdraws his confidence from her--the original compact is broke and she owes it to the Honour of her sex to endeavour to outwit him--
LADY TEAZLE. Indeed--So that if He suspects me without cause it follows that the best way of curing his jealousy is to give him reason for't--
SURFACE. Undoubtedly--for your Husband [should] never be deceived in you--and in that case it becomes you to be frail in compliment to his discernment--
LADY TEAZLE. To be sure what you say is very reasonable--and when the consciousness of my own Innocence----
SURFACE. Ah: my dear--Madam there is the great mistake--'tis this very conscious Innocence that is of the greatest Prejudice to you--what is it makes you negligent of Forms and careless of the world's opinion--why the consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you thoughtless in your Conduct and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences--why the consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you impatient of Sir Peter's temper, and outrageous at his suspicions--why the consciousness of your own Innocence--
LADY TEAZLE. 'Tis very true.
SURFACE. Now my dear Lady Teazle if you but once make a trifling Faux Pas you can't conceive how cautious you would grow, and how ready to humour and agree with your Husband.
LADY TEAZLE. Do you think so--
SURFACE. O I'm sure on't; and then you'd find all scandal would cease at once--for in short your Character at Present is like a Person in a Plethora, absolutely dying of too much Health--
LADY TEAZLE. So--so--then I perceive your Prescription is that I must sin in my own Defence--and part with my virtue to preserve my Reputation.--
SURFACE. Exactly so upon my credit Ma'am[.]
LADY TEAZLE. Well certainly this is the oddest Doctrine--and the newest Receipt for avoiding calumny.
SURFACE. An infallible one believe me--Prudence like experience must be paid for--
LADY TEAZLE. Why if my understanding were once convinced----
SURFACE. Oh, certainly Madam, your understanding SHOULD be convinced--yes--yes--Heaven forbid I should persuade you to do anything you THOUGHT wrong--no--no--I have too much honor to desire it--
LADY TEAZLE. Don't--you think we may as well leave Honor out of the Argument? [Rises.]
SURFACE. Ah--the ill effects of your country education I see still remain with you.
LADY TEAZLE. I doubt they do indeed--and I will fairly own to you, that If I could be persuaded to do wrong it would be by Sir Peter's ill-usage--sooner than your honourable Logic, after all.
SURFACE. Then by this Hand, which He is unworthy of----
Enter SERVANT
Sdeath, you Blockhead--what do you want?
SERVANT. I beg your Pardon Sir, but I thought you wouldn't chuse Sir Peter to come up without announcing him?
SURFACE. Sir Peter--Oons--the Devil!
LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter! O Lud! I'm ruined! I'm ruin'd!
SERVANT. Sir, 'twasn't I let him in.
LADY TEAZLE. O I'm undone--what will become of me now Mr. Logick.--Oh! mercy, He's on the Stairs--I'll get behind here--and if ever I'm so imprudent again----
[Goes behind the screen--]
SURFACE. Give me that--Book!----
[Sits down--SERVANT pretends to adjust his Hair--]
Enter SIR PETER
SIR PETER. Aye--ever improving himself!--Mr. Surface--
SURFACE. Oh! my dear Sir Peter--I beg your Pardon--[Gaping and throws away the Book.] I have been dosing [dozing] over a stupid Book! well--I am much obliged to you for this Call--You haven't been here I believe since I fitted up this Room--Books you know are the only Things I am a Coxcomb in--
SIR PETER. 'Tis very neat indeed--well well that's proper--and you make even your Screen a source of knowledge--hung I perceive with Maps--
SURFACE. O yes--I find great use in that Screen.
SIR PETER. I dare say you must--certainly--when you want to find out anything in a Hurry.
SURFACE. Aye or to hide anything in a Hurry either--
SIR PETER. Well I have a little private Business--if we were alone--
SURFACE. You needn't stay.
SERVANT. No--Sir----
[Exit SERVANT.]
SURFACE. Here's a Chair--Sir Peter--I beg----
SIR PETER. Well--now we are alone--there IS a subject--my dear Friend--on which I wish to unburthen my Mind to you--a Point of the greatest moment to my Peace--in short, my good Friend--Lady Teazle's conduct of late has made me very unhappy.
SURFACE. Indeed I'm very sorry to hear it--
SIR PETER. Yes 'tis but too plain she has not the least regard for me--but what's worse, I have pretty good Authority to suspect that she must have formed an attachment to another.
SURFACE. Indeed! you astonish me.
SIR PETER. Yes--and between ourselves--I think I have discover'd the Person.
SURFACE. How--you alarm me exceedingly!
SIR PETER. Ah: my dear Friend I knew you would sympathize with me.--
SURFACE. Yes--believe me Sir Peter--such a discovery would hurt me just as much as it would you--
SIR PETER. I am convinced of it--ah--it is a happiness to have a Friend whom one can trust even with one's Family secrets--but have you no guess who I mean?
SURFACE. I haven't the most distant Idea--it can't be Sir Benjamin Backbite.
SIR PETER. O--No. What say you to Charles?
SURFACE. My Brother--impossible!--O no Sir Peter you mustn't credit the scandalous insinuations you hear--no no--Charles to be sure has been charged with many things but go I can never think He would meditate so gross an injury--
SIR PETER. Ah! my dear Friend--the goodness of your own Heart misleads you--you judge of others by yourself.
SURFACE. Certainly Sir Peter--the Heart that is conscious of its own integrity is ever slowest to credit another's Treachery.--
SIR PETER. True--but your Brother has no sentiment[--]you never hear him talk so.--
SURFACE. Well there certainly is no knowing what men are capable of--no--there is no knowing--yet I can't but think Lady Teazle herself has too much Principle----
SIR PETER. Aye but what's Principle against the Flattery of a handsome--lively young Fellow--
SURFACE. That's very true--
SIR PETER. And then you know the difference of our ages makes it very improbable that she should have any great affection for me--and if she were to be frail and I were to make it Public--why the Town would only laugh at the foolish old Batchelor, who had married a girl----
SURFACE. That's true--to be sure People would laugh.
SIR PETER. Laugh--aye and make Ballads--and Paragraphs and the Devil knows what of me--
SURFACE. No--you must never make it public--
SIR PETER. But then again that the Nephew of my old Friend, Sir Oliver[,] should be the Person to attempt such an injury--hurts me more nearly--
SURFACE. Undoubtedly--when Ingratitude barbs the Dart of Injury--the wound has double danger in it--
SIR PETER. Aye--I that was in a manner left his Guardian--in his House he had been so often entertain'd--who never in my Life denied him my advice--
SURFACE. O 'tis not to be credited--There may be a man capable of such Baseness, to be sure--but for my Part till you can give me positive Proofs you must excuse me withholding my Belief. However, if this should be proved on him He is no longer a brother of mine I disclaim kindred with him--for the man who can break thro' the Laws of Hospitality--and attempt the wife of his Friend deserves to be branded as the Pest of Society.
SIR PETER. What a difference there is between you--what noble sentiments!--
SURFACE. But I cannot suspect Lady Teazle's honor.
SIR PETER. I'm sure I wish to think well of her--and to remove all ground of Quarrel between us--She has lately reproach'd me more than once with having made no settlement on her--and, in our last Quarrel, she almost hinted that she should not break her Heart if I was dead.--now as we seem to differ in our Ideas of Expense I have resolved she shall be her own Mistress in that Respect for the future--and if I were to die--she shall find that I have not been inattentive to her Interests while living--Here my Friend are the Draughts of two Deeds which I wish to have your opinion on--by one she will enjoy eight hundred a year independent while I live--and by the other the bulk of my Fortune after my Death.
SURFACE. This conduct Sir Peter is indeed truly Generous! I wish it may not corrupt my pupil.--[Aside.]
SIR PETER. Yes I am determined she shall have no cause to complain--tho' I would not have her acquainted with the latter instance of my affection yet awhile.
SURFACE. Nor I--if I could help it.
SIR PETER. And now my dear Friend if you please we will talk over the situation of your Hopes with Maria.
SURFACE. No--no--Sir Peter--another Time if you Please--[softly].
SIR PETER. I am sensibly chagrined at the little Progress you seem to make in her affection.
SURFACE. I beg you will not mention it--What are my Disappointments when your Happiness is in Debate [softly]. 'Sdeath I shall be ruined every way.
SIR PETER. And tho' you are so averse to my acquainting Lady Teazle with YOUR passion, I am sure she's not your Enemy in the Affair.
SURFACE. Pray Sir Peter, now oblige me.--I am really too much affected by the subject we have been speaking of to bestow a thought on my own concerns--The Man who is entrusted with his Friend's Distresses can never----
Enter SERVANT
Well, Sir?
SERVANT. Your Brother Sir, is--speaking to a Gentleman in the Street, and says He knows you're within.
SURFACE. 'Sdeath, Blockhead--I'm NOT within--I'm out for the Day.
SIR PETER. Stay--hold--a thought has struck me--you shall be at home.
SURFACE. Well--well--let him up.--
[Exit SERVANT.]
He'll interrupt Sir Peter, however. [Aside.]
SIR PETER. Now, my good Friend--oblige me I Intreat you--before Charles comes--let me conceal myself somewhere--Then do you tax him on the Point we have been talking on--and his answers may satisfy me at once.--
SURFACE. O Fie--Sir Peter--would you have ME join in so mean a Trick? to trepan my Brother too?
SIR PETER. Nay you tell me you are SURE He is innocent--if so you do him the greatest service in giving him an opportunity to clear himself--and--you will set my Heart at rest--come you shall not refuse me--here behind this Screen will be--hey! what the Devil--there seems to be one listener here already--I'll swear I saw a Petticoat.--
SURFACE. Ha! ha! ha! Well this is ridiculous enough--I'll tell you, Sir Peter--tho' I hold a man of Intrigue to be a most despicable Character--yet you know it doesn't follow that a man is to be an absolute Joseph either--hark'ee--'tis a little French Milliner--a silly Rogue that plagues me--and having some character, on your coming she ran behind the Screen.--
SIR PETER. Ah a Rogue--but 'egad she has overheard all I have been saying of my Wife.
SURFACE. O 'twill never go any farther, you may depend on't.
SIR PETER. No!--then efaith let her hear it out.--Here's a Closet will do as well.--
SURFACE. Well, go in there.--
SIR PETER. Sly rogue--sly Rogue.--
SURFACE. Gad's my Life what an Escape--! and a curious situation I'm in!--to part man and wife in this manner.--
LADY TEAZLE. [peeps out.] Couldn't I steal off--
SURFACE. Keep close, my Angel!
SIR PETER. [Peeping out.] Joseph--tax him home.
SURFACE. Back--my dear Friend
LADY TEAZLE. [Peeping out.] Couldn't you lock Sir Peter in?--
SURFACE. Be still--my Life!
SIR PETER. [Peeping.] You're sure the little Milliner won't blab?
SURFACE. In! in! my good Sir Peter--'Fore Gad, I wish I had a key to the Door.
Enter CHARLES
CHARLES. Hollo! Brother--what has been the matter? your Fellow wouldn't let me up at first--What[?] have you had a Jew or a wench with you.--
SURFACE. Neither Brother I assure you.
CHARLES. But--what has made Sir Peter steal off--I thought He had been with you--
SURFACE. He WAS Brother--but hearing you were coming He didn't chuse to stay--
CHARLES. What[!] was the old Gentleman afraid I wanted to borrow money of him?
SURFACE. No Sir--but I am sorry to find[,] Charles--you have lately given that worthy man grounds for great Uneasiness.
CHARLES. Yes they tell me I do that to a great many worthy men--but how so Pray?
SURFACE. To be plain with you Brother He thinks you are endeavouring to gain Lady Teazle's Affections from him.
CHARLES. Who I--O Lud! not I upon my word.--Ha! ha! ha! so the old Fellow has found out that He has got a young wife has He? or what's worse she has discover'd that she has an old Husband?
SURFACE. This is no subject to jest on Brother--He who can laugh----
CHARLES. True true as you were going to say--then seriously I never had the least idea of what you charge me with, upon my honour.
SURFACE. Well it will give Sir Peter great satisfaction to hear this.
CHARLES. [Aloud.] To be sure, I once thought the lady seemed to have taken a fancy--but upon my soul I never gave her the least encouragement.--Beside you know my Attachment to Maria--
SURFACE. But sure Brother even if Lady Teazle had betray'd the fondest
## Partiality for you----
CHARLES. Why--look'ee Joseph--I hope I shall never deliberately do a dishonourable Action--but if a pretty woman was purposely to throw herself in my way--and that pretty woman married to a man old enough to be her Father----
SURFACE. Well?
CHARLES. Why I believe I should be obliged to borrow a little of your Morality, that's all.--but, Brother do you know now that you surprize me exceedingly by naming me with Lady Teazle--for faith I always understood YOU were her Favourite--
SURFACE. O for shame--Charles--This retort is Foolish.
CHARLES. Nay I swear I have seen you exchange such significant Glances----
SURFACE. Nay--nay--Sir--this is no jest--
CHARLES. Egad--I'm serious--Don't you remember--one Day, when I called here----
SURFACE. Nay--prithee--Charles
CHARLES. And found you together----
SURFACE. Zounds, Sir--I insist----
CHARLES. And another time when your Servant----
SURFACE. Brother--brother a word with you--Gad I must stop him--[Aside.]
CHARLES. Informed--me that----
SURFACE. Hush!--I beg your Pardon but Sir Peter has overheard all we have been saying--I knew you would clear yourself, or I shouldn't have consented--
CHARLES. How Sir Peter--Where is He--
SURFACE. Softly, there! [Points to the closet.]
CHARLES. [In the Closet!] O 'fore Heaven I'll have him out--Sir Peter come forth!
SURFACE. No--no----
CHARLES. I say Sir Peter--come into court.--
[Pulls in SIR PETER.]
What--my old Guardian--what[!] turn inquisitor and take evidence incog.--
SIR PETER. Give me your hand--Charles--I believe I have suspected you wrongfully; but you mustn't be angry with Joseph--'twas my Plan--
CHARLES. Indeed!--
SIR PETER. But I acquit you--I promise you I don't think near so ill of you as I did--what I have heard has given me great satisfaction.
CHARLES. Egad then 'twas lucky you didn't hear any more. Wasn't it Joseph?
SIR PETER. Ah! you would have retorted on him.
CHARLES. Aye--aye--that was a Joke.
SIR PETER. Yes, yes, I know his honor too well.
CHARLES. Yet you might as well have suspected him as me in this matter, for all that--mightn't He, Joseph?
SIR PETER. Well well I believe you--
SURFACE. Would they were both out of the Room!
Enter SERVANT, whispers SURFACE
SIR PETER. And in future perhaps we may not be such Strangers.
SURFACE. Gentlemen--I beg Pardon--I must wait on you downstairs--Here is a Person come on particular Business----
CHARLES. Well you can see him in another Room--Sir Peter and I haven't met a long time and I have something to say [to] him.
SURFACE. They must not be left together.--I'll send this man away and return directly--
[SURFACE goes out.]
SIR PETER. Ah--Charles if you associated more with your Brother, one might indeed hope for your reformation--He is a man of Sentiment--Well! there is nothing in the world so noble as a man of Sentiment!
CHARLES. Pshaw! He is too moral by half--and so apprehensive of his good Name, as he calls it, that I suppose He would as soon let a Priest in his House as a Girl--
SIR PETER. No--no--come come,--you wrong him. No, no, Joseph is no Rake but he is no such Saint in that respect either. I have a great mind to tell him--we should have such a Laugh!
CHARLES. Oh, hang him? He's a very Anchorite--a young Hermit!
SIR PETER. Harkee--you must not abuse him, he may chance to hear of it again I promise you.
CHARLES. Why you won't tell him?
SIR PETER. No--but--this way. Egad, I'll tell him--Harkee, have you a mind to have a good laugh against Joseph?
CHARLES. I should like it of all things--
SIR PETER. Then, E'faith, we will--I'll be quit with him for discovering me.--He had a girl with him when I called. [Whispers.]
CHARLES. What[!] Joseph[!] you jest--
SIR PETER. Hush!--a little French Milliner--and the best of the jest is--she's in the room now.
CHARLES. The devil she is--
SIR PETER. Hush! I tell you. [Points.]
CHARLES. Behind the screen! Odds Life, let's unveil her!
SIR PETER. No--no! He's coming--you shan't indeed!
CHARLES. Oh, egad, we'll have a peep at the little milliner!
SIR PETER. Not for the world--Joseph will never forgive me.
CHARLES. I'll stand by you----
SIR PETER. Odds Life! Here He's coming--
[SURFACE enters just as CHARLES throws down the Screen.]
Re-enter JOSEPH SURFACE
CHARLES. Lady Teazle! by all that's wonderful!
SIR PETER. Lady Teazle! by all that's Horrible!
CHARLES. Sir Peter--This is one of the smartest French Milliners I ever saw!--Egad, you seem all to have been diverting yourselves here at Hide and Seek--and I don't see who is out of the Secret!--Shall I beg your Ladyship to inform me!--Not a word!--Brother!--will you please to explain this matter? What! is Honesty Dumb too?--Sir Peter, though I found you in the Dark--perhaps you are not so now--all mute! Well tho' I can make nothing of the Affair, I make no doubt but you perfectly understand one another--so I'll leave you to yourselves.--[Going.] Brother I'm sorry to find you have given that worthy man grounds for so much uneasiness!--Sir Peter--there's nothing in the world so noble as a man of Sentiment!--
[Stand for some time looking at one another. Exit CHARLES.]
SURFACE. Sir Peter--notwithstanding I confess that appearances are against me. If you will afford me your Patience I make no doubt but I shall explain everything to your satisfaction.--
SIR PETER. If you please--Sir--
SURFACE. The Fact is Sir--that Lady Teazle knowing my Pretensions to your ward Maria--I say Sir Lady Teazle--being apprehensive of the Jealousy of your Temper--and knowing my Friendship to the Family. S he Sir--I say call'd here--in order that I might explain those Pretensions--but on your coming being apprehensive--as I said of your Jealousy--she withdrew--and this, you may depend on't is the whole truth of the Matter.
SIR PETER. A very clear account upon the [my] word and I dare swear the Lady will vouch for every article of it.
LADY TEAZLE. For not one word of it Sir Peter--
SIR PETER. How[!] don't you think it worthwhile to agree in the lie.
LADY TEAZLE. There is not one Syllable of Truth in what that Gentleman has told you.
SIR PETER. I believe you upon my soul Ma'am--
SURFACE. 'Sdeath, madam, will you betray me! [Aside.]
LADY TEAZLE. Good Mr. Hypocrite by your leave I will speak for myself--
SIR PETER. Aye let her alone Sir--you'll find she'll make out a better story than you without Prompting.
LADY TEAZLE. Hear me Sir Peter--I came hither on no matter relating to your ward and even ignorant of this Gentleman's pretensions to her--but I came--seduced by his insidious arguments--and pretended Passion[--]at least to listen to his dishonourable Love if not to sacrifice your Honour to his Baseness.
SIR PETER. Now, I believe, the Truth is coming indeed[.]
SURFACE. The Woman's mad--
LADY TEAZLE. No Sir--she has recovered her Senses. Your own Arts have furnished her with the means. Sir Peter--I do not expect you to credit me--but the Tenderness you express'd for me, when I am sure you could not think I was a witness to it, has penetrated so to my Heart that had I left the Place without the Shame of this discovery--my future life should have spoken the sincerity of my Gratitude--as for that smooth-tongued Hypocrite--who would have seduced the wife of his too credulous Friend while he pretended honourable addresses to his ward--I behold him now in a light so truly despicable that I shall never again Respect myself for having Listened to him.
[Exit.]
SURFACE. Notwithstanding all this Sir Peter--Heaven knows----
SIR PETER. That you are a Villain!--and so I leave you to your conscience--
SURFACE. You are too Rash Sir Peter--you SHALL hear me--The man who shuts out conviction by refusing to----
[Exeunt, SURFACE following and speaking.]
END OF THE FOURTH
## ACT V
## SCENE I.--The Library
Enter SURFACE and SERVANT
SURFACE. Mr. Stanley! and why should you think I would see him?--you must know he came to ask something!
SERVANT. Sir--I shouldn't have let him in but that Mr. Rowley came to the Door with him.
SURFACE. Pshaw!--Blockhead to suppose that I should now be in a Temper to receive visits from poor Relations!--well why don't you show the Fellow up?
SERVANT. I will--Sir--Why, Sir--it was not my Fault that Sir Peter discover'd my Lady----
SURFACE. Go, fool!--
[Exit SERVANT.]
Sure Fortune never play'd a man of my policy such a Trick before--my character with Sir Peter!--my Hopes with Maria!--destroy'd in a moment!--I'm in a rare Humour to listen to other People's Distresses!--I shan't be able to bestow even a benevolent sentiment on Stanley--So! here--He comes and Rowley with him--I MUST try to recover myself, and put a little Charity into my Face however.----
[Exit.]
Enter SIR OLIVER and ROWLEY
SIR OLIVER. What! does He avoid us? that was He--was it not?
ROWLEY. It was Sir--but I doubt you are come a little too abruptly--his Nerves are so weak that the sight of a poor Relation may be too much for him--I should have gone first to break you to him.
SIR OLIVER. A Plague of his Nerves--yet this is He whom Sir Peter extolls as a Man of the most Benevolent way of thinking!--
ROWLEY. As to his way of thinking--I can't pretend to decide[,] for, to do him justice He appears to have as much speculative Benevolence as any private Gentleman in the Kingdom--though he is seldom so sensual as to indulge himself in the exercise of it----
SIR OLIVER. Yet [he] has a string of charitable Sentiments I suppose at his Fingers' ends!--
ROWLEY. Or, rather at his Tongue's end Sir Oliver; for I believe there is no sentiment he has more faith in than that 'Charity begins at Home.'
SIR OLIVER. And his I presume is of that domestic sort which never stirs abroad at all.
ROWLEY. I doubt you'll find it so--but He's coming--I mustn't seem to interrupt you--and you know immediately--as you leave him--I come in to announce--your arrival in your real Character.
SIR OLIVER. True--and afterwards you'll meet me at Sir Peter's----
ROWLEY. Without losing a moment.
[Exit.]
SIR OLIVER. So--I see he has premeditated a Denial by the Complaisance of his Features.
Enter SURFACE
SURFACE. Sir--I beg you ten thousand Pardons for keeping--you a moment waiting--Mr. Stanley--I presume----
SIR OLIVER. At your Service.
SURFACE. Sir--I beg you will do me the honour to sit down--I entreat you Sir.
SIR OLIVER. Dear Sir there's no occasion--too civil by half!
SURFACE. I have not the Pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley--but I am extremely happy to see you look so well--you were nearly related to my mother--I think Mr. Stanley----
SIR OLIVER. I was Sir--so nearly that my present Poverty I fear may do discredit to her Wealthy Children--else I should not have presumed to trouble you.--
SURFACE. Dear Sir--there needs no apology--He that is in Distress tho' a stranger has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy--I am sure I wish I was of that class, and had it in my power to offer you even a small relief.
SIR OLIVER. If your Unkle, Sir Oliver were here--I should have a Friend----
SURFACE. I wish He was Sir, with all my Heart--you should not want an advocate with him--believe me Sir.
SIR OLIVER. I should not need one--my Distresses would recommend me.--but I imagined--his Bounty had enabled you to become the agent of his Charity.
SURFACE. My dear Sir--you are strangely misinformed--Sir Oliver is a worthy Man, a worthy man--a very worthy sort of Man--but avarice Mr. Stanley is the vice of age--I will tell you my good Sir in confidence:--what he has done for me has been a mere--nothing[;] tho' People I know have thought otherwise and for my