Part 7
The vessel is very commodious, and the captain a civil, open-hearted kind of man. There being no other passengers, I have the cabin to myself, which is pleasant; and I have brought a few books with me to beguile weariness; but I seem inclined, rather to employ the dead moments of suspence in writing some effusions, than in reading.
What are you about? How are your affairs going on? It may be a long time before you answer these questions. My dear friend, my heart sinks within me!--Why am I forced thus to struggle continually with my affections and feelings?--Ah! why are those affections and feelings the source of so much misery, when they seem to have been given to vivify my heart, and extend my usefulness! But I must not dwell on this subject.--Will you not endeavour to cherish all the affection you can for me? What am I saying?--Rather forget me, if you can--if other gratifications are dearer to you.--How is every remembrance of mine embittered by disappointment? What a world is this!--They only seem happy, who never look beyond sensual or artificial enjoyments.--Adieu!
Fanny begins to play with the cabin-boy, and is as gay as a lark.--I will labour to be tranquil; and am in every mood,
Yours sincerely MARY.
LETTER XLIX
_[June 18, 1795] Thursday._
Here I am still--and I have just received your letter of Monday by the pilot, who promised to bring it to me, if we were detained, as he expected, by the wind.--It is indeed wearisome to be thus tossed about without going forward.--I have a violent headache--yet I am obliged to take care of the child, who is a little tormented by her teeth, because ---- is unable to do any thing, she is rendered so sick by the motion of the ship, as we ride at anchor.
These are however trifling inconveniences, compared with anguish of mind--compared with the sinking of a broken heart.--To tell you the truth, I never suffered in my life so much from depression of spirits--from despair.--I do not sleep--or, if I close my eyes, it is to have the most terrifying dreams, in which I often meet you with different casts of countenance.
I will not, my dear Imlay, torment you by dwelling on my sufferings--and will use all my efforts to calm my mind, instead of deadening it--at present it is most painfully active. I find I am not equal to these continual struggles--yet your letter this morning has afforded me some comfort--and I will try to revive hope. One thing let me tell you--when we meet again--surely we are to meet!--it must be to part no more. I mean not to have seas between us--it is more than I can support.
The pilot is hurrying me--God bless you.
In spite of the commodiousness of the vessel, every thing here would disgust my senses, had I nothing else to think of--"When the mind's free, the body's delicate;"--mine has been too much hurt to regard trifles.
Yours most truly MARY.
LETTER L
_[June 20, 1795] Saturday._
This is the fifth dreary day I have been imprisoned by the wind, with every outward object to disgust the senses, and unable to banish the remembrances that sadden my heart.
How am I altered by disappointment!--When going to Lisbon, ten years ago, the elasticity of my mind was sufficient to ward off weariness--and the imagination still could dip her brush in the rainbow of fancy, and sketch futurity in smiling colours. Now I am going towards the North in search of sunbeams!--Will any ever warm this desolated heart? All nature seems to frown--or rather mourn with me.--Every thing is cold--cold as my expectations! Before I left the shore, tormented, as I now am, by these North east _chillers_, I could not help exclaiming--Give me, gracious Heaven! at least, genial weather, if I am never to meet the genial affection that still warms this agitated bosom--compelling life to linger there.
I am now going on shore with the captain, though the weather be rough, to seek for milk, &c. at a little village, and to take a walk--after which I hope to sleep--for, confined here, surrounded by disagreeable smells, I have lost the little appetite I had; and I lie awake, till thinking almost drives me to the brink of madness--only to the brink, for I never forget, even in the feverish slumbers I sometimes fall into, the misery I am labouring to blunt the sense of, by every exertion in my power.
Poor ---- still continues sick, and ---- grows weary when the weather will not allow her to remain on deck.
I hope this will be the last letter I shall write from England to you--are you not tired of this lingering adieu?
Yours truly MARY.
LETTER LI
_[Hull, June 21, 1795] Sunday Morning._
The captain last night, after I had written my letter to you intended to be left at a little village, offered to go to ---- to pass to-day. We had a troublesome sail--and now I must hurry on board again, for the wind has changed.
I half expected to find a letter from you here. Had you written one haphazard, it would have been kind and considerate--you might have known, had you thought, that the wind would not permit me to depart. These are attentions, more grateful to the heart than offers of service--But why do I foolishly continue to look for them?
Adieu! adieu! My friend--your friendship is very cold--you see I am hurt.--God bless you! I may perhaps be, some time or other, independent in every sense of the word--Ah! there is but one sense of it of consequence. I will break or bend this weak heart--yet even now it is full.
Yours sincerely MARY.
The child is well; I did not leave her on board.
LETTER LII
_[Gothenburg] June 27, Saturday, [1795]._
I arrived in Gothenburg this afternoon, after vainly attempting to land at Arendall. I have now but a moment, before the post goes out, to inform you we have got here; though not without considerable difficulty, for we were set ashore in a boat above twenty miles below.
What I suffered in the vessel I will not now descant upon--nor mention the pleasure I received from the sight of the rocky coast.--This morning however, walking to join the carriage that was to transport us to this place, I fell, without any previous warning, senseless on the rocks--and how I escaped with life I can scarcely guess. I was in a stupour for a quarter of an hour; the suffusion of blood at last restored me to my senses--the contusion is great, and my brain confused. The child is well.
Twenty miles ride in the rain, after my accident, has sufficiently deranged me--and here I could not get a fire to warm me, or any thing warm to eat; the inns are mere stables--I must nevertheless go to bed. For God's sake, let me hear from you immediately, my friend! I am not well, and yet you see I cannot die.
Yours sincerely MARY.
LETTER LIII
_[Gothenburg] June 29 [1795]._
I wrote to you by the last post, to inform you of my arrival; and I believe I alluded to the extreme fatigue I endured on ship-board, owing to ----'s illness, and the roughness of the weather--I likewise mentioned to you my fall, the effects of which I still feel, though I do not think it will have any serious consequences.
---- will go with me, if I find it necessary to go to ----. The inns here are so bad, I was forced to accept of an apartment in his house. I am overwhelmed with civilities on all sides, and fatigued with the endeavours to amuse me, from which I cannot escape.
My friend--my friend, I am not well--a deadly weight of sorrow lies heavily on my heart. I am again tossed on the troubled billows of life; and obliged to cope with difficulties, without being buoyed up by the hopes that alone render them bearable. "How flat, dull, and unprofitable," appears to me all the bustle into which I see people here so eagerly enter! I long every night to go to bed, to hide my melancholy face in my pillow; but there is a canker-worm in my bosom that never sleeps.
MARY.
LETTER LIV
_[Sweden] July 1 [1795]._
I labour in vain to calm my mind--my soul has been overwhelmed by sorrow and disappointment. Every thing fatigues me--this is a life that cannot last long. It is you who must determine with respect to futurity--and, when you have, I will act accordingly--I mean, we must either resolve to live together, or part for ever, I cannot bear these continual struggles.--But I wish you to examine carefully your own heart and mind; and, if you perceive the least chance of being happier without me than with me, or if your inclination leans capriciously to that side, do not dissemble; but tell me frankly that you will never see me more. I will then adopt the plan I mentioned to you--for we must either live together, or I will be entirely independent.
My heart is so oppressed, I cannot write with precision--You know however that what I so imperfectly express, are not the crude sentiments of the moment--You can only contribute to my comfort (it is the consolation I am in need of) by being with me--and, if the tenderest friendship is of any value, why will you not look to me for a degree of satisfaction that heartless affections cannot bestow?
Tell me then, will you determine to meet me at Basle?--I shall, I should imagine, be at ---- before the close of August; and, after you settle your affairs at Paris, could we not meet there?
God bless you!
Yours truly MARY.
Poor Fanny has suffered during the journey with her teeth.
LETTER LV
_[Sweden] July 3 [1795]._
There was a gloominess diffused through your last letter, the impression of which still rests on my mind--though, recollecting how quickly you throw off the forcible feelings of the moment, I flatter myself it has long since given place to your usual cheerfulness.
Believe me (and my eyes fill with tears of tenderness as I assure you) there is nothing I would not endure in the way of privation, rather than disturb your tranquillity.--If I am fated to be unhappy, I will labour to hide my sorrows in my own bosom; and you shall always find me a faithful, affectionate friend.
I grow more and more attached to my little girl--and I cherish this affection without fear, because it must be a long time before it can become bitterness of soul.--She is an interesting creature.--On ship-board, how often as I gazed at the sea, have I longed to bury my troubled bosom in the less troubled deep; asserting with Brutus, "that the virtue I had followed too far, was merely an empty name!" and nothing but the sight of her--her playful smiles, which seemed to cling and twine round my heart--could have stopped me.
What peculiar misery has fallen to my share! To act up to my principles, I have laid the strictest restraint on my very thoughts--yes; not to sully the delicacy of my feelings, I have reined in my imagination; and started with affright from every sensation, (I allude to ----) that stealing with balmy sweetness into my soul, led me to scent from afar the fragrance of reviving nature.
My friend, I have dearly paid for one conviction.--Love, in some minds, is an affair of sentiment, arising from the same delicacy of perception (or taste) as renders them alive to the beauties of nature, poetry, &c., alive to the charms of those evanescent graces that are, as it were, impalpable--they must be felt, they cannot be described.
Love is a want of my heart. I have examined myself lately with more care than formerly, and find, that to deaden is not to calm the mind--Aiming at tranquillity, I have almost destroyed all the energy of my soul--almost rooted out what renders it estimable--Yes, I have damped that enthusiasm of character, which converts the grossest materials into a fuel, that imperceptibly feeds hopes, which aspire above common enjoyment. Despair, since the birth of my child, has rendered me stupid--soul and body seemed to be fading away before the withering touch of disappointment.
I am now endeavouring to recover myself--and such is the elasticity of my constitution, and the purity of the atmosphere here, that health unsought for, begins to reanimate my countenance.
I have the sincerest esteem and affection for you--but the desire of regaining peace, (do you understand me?) has made me forget the respect due to my own emotions--sacred emotions, that are the sure harbingers of the delights I was formed to enjoy--and shall enjoy, for nothing can extinguish the heavenly spark.
Still, when we meet again, I will not torment you, I promise you. I blush when I recollect my former conduct--and will not in future confound myself with the beings whom I feel to be my inferiors.--I will listen to delicacy, or pride.
LETTER LVI
_[Sweden] July 4 [1795]._
I hope to hear from you by to-morrow's mail. My dearest friend! I cannot tear my affections from you--and, though every remembrance stings me to the soul, I think of you, till I make allowance for the very defects of character, that have given such a cruel stab to my peace.
Still however I am more alive, than you have seen me for a long, long time. I have a degree of vivacity, even in my grief, which is preferable to the benumbing stupour that, for the last year, has frozen up all my faculties.--Perhaps this change is more owing to returning health, than to the vigour of my reason--for, in spite of sadness (and surely I have had my share), the purity of this air, and the being continually out in it, for I sleep in the country every night, has made an alteration in my appearance that really surprises me.--The rosy fingers of health already streak my cheeks--and I have seen a _physical_ life in my eyes, after I have been climbing the rocks, that resembled the fond, credulous hopes of youth.
With what a cruel sigh have I recollected that I had forgotten to hope!--Reason, or rather experience, does not thus cruelly damp poor ----'s pleasures; she plays all day in the garden with ----'s children, and makes friends for herself.
Do not tell me, that you are happier without us--Will you not come to us in Switzerland? Ah, why do not you love us with more sentiment?--why are you a creature of such sympathy, that the warmth of your feelings, or rather quickness of your senses, hardens your heart?--It is my misfortune, that my imagination is perpetually shading your defects, and lending you charms, whilst the grossness of your senses makes you (call me not vain) overlook graces in me, that only dignity of mind, and the sensibility of an expanded heart can give.--God bless you! Adieu.
LETTER LVII
_[Sweden] July 7 [1795]._
I could not help feeling extremely mortified last post, at not receiving a letter from you. My being at ---- was but a chance, and you might have hazarded it; and would a year ago.
I shall not however complain--There are misfortunes so great, as to silence the usual expressions of sorrow--Believe me, there is such a thing as a broken heart! There are characters whose very energy preys upon them; and who, ever inclined to cherish by reflection some passion, cannot rest satisfied with the common comforts of life. I have endeavoured to fly from myself and launched into all the dissipation possible here, only to feel keener anguish, when alone with my child.
Still, could any thing please me--had not disappointment cut me off from life, this romantic country, these fine evenings, would interest me.--My God! can any thing? and am I ever to feel alive only to painful sensations?--But it cannot--it shall not last long.
The post is again arrived; I have sent to seek for letters, only to be wounded to the soul by a negative.--My brain seems on fire. I must go into the air.
MARY.
LETTER LVIII
_[Laurvig, Norway] July 14 [1795]._
I am now on my journey to Tonsberg. I felt more at leaving my child, than I thought I should--and, whilst at night I imagined every instant that I heard the half-formed sounds of her voice,--I asked myself how I could think of parting with her for ever, of leaving her thus helpless?
Poor lamb! It may run very well in a tale, that "God will temper the winds to the shorn lamb!" but how can I expect that she will be shielded, when my naked bosom has had to brave continually the pitiless storm? Yes; I could add, with poor Lear--What is the war of elements to the pangs of disappointed affection, and the horror arising from a discovery of a breach of confidence, that snaps every social tie!
All is not right somewhere!--When you first knew me, I was not thus lost. I could still confide--for I opened my heart to you--of this only comfort you have deprived me, whilst my happiness, you tell me, was your first object. Strange want of judgment!
I will not complain; but, from the soundness of your understanding, I am convinced, if you give yourself leave to reflect, you will also feel, that your conduct to me, so far from being generous, has not been just.--I mean not to allude to factitious principles of morality; but to the simple basis of all rectitude.--However I did not intend to argue--Your not writing is cruel--and my reason is perhaps disturbed by constant wretchedness.
Poor ---- would fain have accompanied me, out of tenderness; for my fainting, or rather convulsion, when I landed, and my sudden changes of countenance since, have alarmed her so much, that she is perpetually afraid of some accident.--But it would have injured the child this warm season, as she is cutting her teeth.
I hear not of your having written to me at Stromstad. Very well! Act as you please--there is nothing I fear or care for! When I see whether I can, or cannot obtain the money I am come here about, I will not trouble you with letters to which you do not reply.
LETTER LIX
_[Tonsberg] July 18 [1795]._
I am here in Tonsberg, separated from my child--and here I must remain a month at least, or I might as well never have come.
* * * * *
I have begun ---- which will, I hope, discharge all my obligations of a pecuniary kind.--I am lowered in my own eyes, on account of my not having done it sooner.
I shall make no further comments on your silence. God bless you!
MARY.
LETTER LX
_[Tonsberg] July 30 [1795]._
I have just received two of your letters, dated the 26th and 30th of June; and you must have received several from me, informing you of my detention, and how much I was hurt by your silence.
* * * * *
Write to me then, my friend, and write explicitly. I have suffered, God knows, since I left you. Ah! you have never felt this kind of sickness of heart!--My mind however is at present painfully active, and the sympathy I feel almost rises to agony. But this is not a subject of complaint, it has afforded me pleasure,--and reflected pleasure is all I have to hope for--if a spark of hope be yet alive in my forlorn bosom.
I will try to write with a degree of composure. I wish for us to live together, because I want you to acquire an habitual tenderness for my poor girl. I cannot bear to think of leaving her alone in the world, or that she should only be protected by your sense of duty. Next to preserving her, my most earnest wish is not to disturb your peace. I have nothing to expect, and little to fear, in life--There are wounds that can never be healed--but they may be allowed to fester in silence without wincing.
When we meet again, you shall be convinced that I have more resolution than you give me credit for. I will not torment you. If I am destined always to be disappointed and unhappy, I will conceal the anguish I cannot dissipate; and the tightened cord of life or reason will at last snap, and set me free.
Yes; I shall be happy--This heart is worthy of the bliss its feelings anticipate--and I cannot even persuade myself, wretched as they have made me, that my principles and sentiments are not founded in nature and truth. But to have done with these subjects.
* * * * *
I have been seriously employed in this way since I came to Tonsberg; yet I never was so much in the air.--I walk, I ride on horseback--row, bathe, and even sleep in the fields; my health is consequently improved. The child, ---- informs me, is well, I long to be with her.
Write to me immediately--were I only to think of myself, I could wish you to return to me, poor, with the simplicity of character, part of which you seem lately to have lost, that first attached to you.
Yours most affectionately MARY IMLAY
I have been subscribing other letters--so I mechanically did the same to yours.
LETTER LXI
_[Tonsberg] August 5 [1795]._
Employment and exercise have been of great service to me; and I have entirely recovered the strength and activity I lost during the time of my nursing. I have seldom been in better health; and my mind, though trembling to the touch of anguish, is calmer--yet still the same.--I have, it is true, enjoyed some tranquillity, and more happiness here, than for a long--long time past.--(I say happiness, for I can give no other appellation to the exquisite delight this wild country and fine summer have afforded me.)--Still, on examining my heart, I find that it is so constituted, I cannot live without some particular affection--I am afraid not without a passion--and I feel the want of it more in society, than in solitude.
* * * * *
Writing to you, whenever an affectionate epithet occurs--my eyes fill with tears, and my trembling hand stops--you may then depend on my resolution, when with you. If I am doomed to be unhappy, I will confine my anguish in my own bosom--tenderness, rather than passion, has made me sometimes overlook delicacy--the same tenderness will in future restrain me. God bless you!
LETTER LXII
_[Tonsberg] August 7 [1795]._
Air, exercise, and bathing, have restored me to health, braced my muscles, and covered my ribs, even whilst I have recovered my former activity.--I cannot tell you that my mind is calm, though I have snatched some moments of exquisite delight, wandering through the woods, and resting on the rocks.