Part 1
# Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume I ### By Unknown
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Produced by Bryan Ness, Janet Blenkinship and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor
Edited by Thomas L. Masson
[Illustration: Oliver Wendell Holmes]
VOLUME I
_By_
Washington Irving Oliver Wendell Holmes Benjamin Franklin "Josh Billings" "Mark Twain" Charles Dudley Warner James T. Fields Henry Ward Beecher and others
NEW YORK DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY 1903
Copyright, 1903, by DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY Published, October, 1903
[Illustration: Handwritten introduction:
Those selections in this book which are from my own works, were made by my two assistant compilers, not by me. This is why There are not more.
Mark Twain]
INTRODUCTION
This anthology of American Humor represents a process of selection that has been going on for more than fifteen years, and in giving it to the public it is perhaps well that the Editor should precede it with a few words of explanation as to its meaning and scope.
Not only all that is fairly representative of the work of our American humorists, from Washington Irving to "Mr. Dooley," has been gathered together, but also much that is merely fugitive and anecdotal. Thus, in many instances literary finish has been ignored in order that certain characteristic and purely American bits should have their place. The Editor is not unmindful of the danger of this plan. For where there is such a countless number of witticisms (so-called) as are constantly coming to the surface, and where so many of them are worthless, it must always take a rare discrimination to detect the genuine from the false. This difficulty is greatly increased by the difference of opinion that exists, even among the elect, with regard to the merit of particular jokes. To paraphrase an old adage, what is one man's laughter may be another man's dirge. The Editor desires to make it plain, however, that the responsibility in this particular instance is entirely his own. He has made his selections without consulting any one, knowing that if a consultation of experts should attempt to decide about the contents of a volume of American humor, no volume would ever be published.
The reader will doubtless recognize, in this anthology, many old friends. He may also be conscious of omissions. These omissions are due either to the restrictions of publishers, or the impossibility of obtaining original copies, or the limited space.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Acknowledgments are made herewith to the following publishers, who have kindly consented to allow the reproduction of the material designated.
F. A. STOKES & COMPANY, New York: "A Rhyme for Priscilla," F. D. Sherman; "The Bohemians of Boston," Gelett Burgess; "A Kiss in the Rain," "Bessie Brown, M. D.," S. M. Peck.
DODD, MEAD & COMPANY, New York: Four Extracts, E. W. Townsend ("Chimmie Fadden").
BOWEN-MERRILL COMPANY, Indianapolis: "The Elf Child," "A Liz-Town Humorist," James Whitcomb Riley.
LEE & SHEPARD, Boston: "The Meeting of the Clabberhuses," "A Philosopher," "The Ideal Husband to His Wife," "The Prayer of Cyrus Brown," "A Modern Martyrdom," S. W. Foss; "After the Funeral," "What He Wanted It For," J. M. Bailey.
BACHELLER, JOHNSON & BACHELLER, New York: "The Composite Ghost," Marion Couthouy Smith.
D. APPLETON & COMPANY, New York: "Illustrated Newspapers," "Tushmaker's Tooth-puller," G. H. Derby ("John Phoenix").
T. B. PETERSON & COMPANY, Philadelphia: "Hans Breitmann's Party," "Ballad," C. G. Leland.
CENTURY COMPANY, New York: "Miss Malony on the Chinese Question," Mary Mapes Dodge; "The Origin of the Banjo," Irwin Russell; "The Walloping Window-Blind," Charles E. Carryl; "The Patriotic Tourist," "What's in a Name?" "'Tis Ever Thus," R. K. Munkittrick.
FORBES & COMPANY, Chicago: "If I Should Die To-Night," "The Pessimist," Ben King.
J. S. OGILVIE & COMPANY, New York: Three Short Extracts, C. B. Lewis ("Mr. Bowser").
THE CHELSEA COMPANY, New York: "The Society Reporter's Christmas," "The Dying Gag," James L. Ford.
KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, New York: "Love Letters of Smith," H. C. Bunner.
SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY, Boston: "On Gold-Seeking," "On Expert Testimony," F. P. Dunne ("Mr. Dooley"); "Tale of the Kennebec Mariner," "Grampy Sings a Song," "Cure for Homesickness," Holman F. Day.
BELFORD, CLARKE & COMPANY, Chicago: "A Fatal Thirst," "On Cyclones," Bill Nye.
DUQUESNE DISTRIBUTING COMPANY, Harmanville, Pennsylvania: "In Society," William J. Kountz, Jr. (from the bound edition of "Billy Baxter's Letters").
R. H. RUSSELL, New York: Nonsense Verses--"Impetuous Samuel," "Misfortunes Never Come Singly," "Aunt Eliza," "Susan"; "The City as a Summer Resort," "Avarice and Generosity," "Work and Sport," "Home Life of Geniuses," F. P. Dunne ("Mr. Dooley"); "My Angeline," Harry B. Smith.
H. S. STONE & COMPANY, Chicago: "The Preacher Who Flew His Kite." "The Fable of the Caddy," "The Two Mandolin Players," George Ade.
AMERICAN PUBLISHING COMPANY, Hartford: "A Pleasure Excursion," "An Unmarried Female," Marietta Holley; "Colonel Sellers," "Mark Twain."
G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS, New York: "Living in the Country," "A Glass of Water," "A Family Horse," F. S. Cozzens.
GEORGE DILLINGHAM, New York: "Natral and Unnatral Aristocrats," "To Correspondents," "The Bumblebee," "Josh Billings"; "Among the Spirits," "The Shakers," "A. W. to His Wife," "Artemus Ward and the Prince of Wales," "A Visit to Brigham Young," "The Tower of London," "One of Mr. Ward's Business Letters," "On 'Forts,'" Artemus Ward; "At the Musicale," "At the Races," Geo. V. Hobart ("John Henry").
THOMPSON & THOMAS, Chicago: "How to Hunt the Fox," Bill Nye.
LITTLE, BROWN & COMPANY, Boston: "Street Scenes in Washington," Louisa May Alcott.
E. H. BACON & COMPANY, Boston: "A Boston Lullaby," James Jeffrey Roche.
HOUGHTON, MIFFLIN & COMPANY, Boston: "My Aunt," "The Wonderful One-hoss Shay," "Foreign Correspondence," "Music-Pounding" (extract), "The Ballad of the Oysterman," "Dislikes" (short extract), "The Height of the Ridiculous," "An Aphorism and a Lecture," O. W. Holmes; "The Yankee Recruit," "What Mr. Robinson Thinks," "The Courtin'," "A Letter from Mr. Ezekiel Bigelow," "Without and Within," J. R. Lowell; "Five Lives," "Eve's Daughter," E. R. Sill; "The Owl-Critic," "The Alarmed Skipper," James T. Fields; "My Summer in a Garden," "Plumbers," "How I Killed a Bear," C. D. Warner; "Little Breeches," John Hay; "The Stammering Wife," "Coquette," "My Familiar," "Early Rising," J. G. Saxe; "The Diamond Wedding," E. C. Stedman; "Melons," "Society Upon the Stanislaus," "The Heathen Chinee," "To the Pliocene Skull," Bret Harte; "The Total Depravity of Inanimate Things," K. K. C. Walker; "Palabras Grandiosas," Bayard Taylor; "Mrs. Johnson," William Dean Howells; "A Plea for Humor," Agnes Repplier; "The Minister's Wooing," Harriet Beecher Stowe.
In addition, the Editor desires to make his personal acknowledgments to the following authors: F. P. Dunne, Mary Mapes Dodge, Gelett Burgess, R. K. Munkittrick, E. W. Townsend, F. D. Sherman.
For such small paragraphs, anecdotes and witticisms as have been used in these volumes, acknowledgment is hereby made to the following newspapers and periodicals:
_Chicago Record_, _Boston Globe_, _Texas Siftings_, _New Orleans Times Democrat_, _Providence Journal_, _New York Evening Sun_, _Atlanta Constitution_, _Macon Telegraph_, _New Haven Register_, _Chicago Times_, _Analostan Magazine_, _Harper's Bazaar_, _Florida Citizen_, _Saturday Evening Post_, _Chicago Times Herald_, _Washington Post_, _Cleveland Plain Dealer_,_ _New York Tribune_, _Chicago Tribune_, _Pittsburg Bulletin_, _Philadelphia Ledger_, _Youth's Companion_, _Harper's Magazine_, _Duluth Evening Herald_, _Boston Medical and Surgical Journal_, _Washington Times_, _Rochester Budget_, _Bangor News_, _Boston Herald_, _Pittsburg Dispatch_, _Christian Advocate_, _Troy Times_, _Boston Beacon_, _New Haven News_, _New York Herald_, _Philadelphia Call_, _Philadelphia News_, _Erie Dispatch_, _Town Topics_, _Buffalo Courier_, _Life_, _San Francisco Wave_, _Boston Home Journal_, _Puck_, _Washington Hatchet_, _Detroit Free Press_, _Babyhood_, _Philadelphia Press_, _Judge_, _New York Sun_, _Minneapolis Journal_, _San Francisco Argonaut_, _St. Louis Sunday Globe_, _Atlanta Constitution_, _Buffalo Courier_, _New York Weekly_, _Starlight Messenger_ (St Peter, Minn.).
CONTENTS
_VOLUME I_
PAGE
WASHINGTON IRVING
Wouter Van Twiller 1 Wilhelmus Kieft 8 Peter Stuyvesant 13 Antony Van Corlear 15 General Van Poffenburgh 18
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
Maxims 21 Model of a Letter of Recommendation of a Person You Are Unacquainted with 21 Epitaph for Himself 22
WILLIAM ALLEN BUTLER
Nothing to Wear 24
HENRY WARD BEECHER
Deacon Marble 39 The Deacon's Trout 41 The Dog Noble and the Empty Hole 43
ALBERT GORTON GREENE
Old Grimes 45
OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES
My Aunt 49 The Deacon's Masterpiece; or, the Wonderful "One-hoss Shay" 63 Foreign Correspondence 106 Music-Pounding 109 The Ballad of the Oysterman 142
NATHANIEL PARKER WILLIS
Miss Albina McLush 51 Love in a Cottage 125
WILLIAM PITT PALMER
A Smack in School 56
B. P. SHILLABER ("Mrs. Partington")
Fancy Diseases 58 Bailed Out 59 Seeking a Comet 59 Going to California 60 Mrs. Partington in Court 61
EDWARD ROWLAND SILL
Five Lives 68
JAMES T. FIELDS
The Owl-Critic 70 The Alarmed Skipper 104
JOHN HAY
Little Breeches 74
HENRY W. SHAW ("Josh Billings")
Natral and Unnatral Aristokrats 77
JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL
The Yankee Recruit 81 What Mr. Robinson Thinks 170
CHARLES DUDLEY WARNER
My Summer in a Garden 90
FREDERICK S. COZZENS
Living in the Country 111
CHARLES GODFREY LELAND
Hans Breitmann's Party 127
FRANCES M. WHICHER
Tim Crane and the Widow 129
JOHN GODFREY SAXE
The Stammering Wife 135
ANDREW V. KELLEY ("Parmenas Mix")
He Came to Pay 139
MARIETTA HOLLEY
A Pleasure Exertion 144
EDMUND CLARENCE STEDMAN
The Diamond Wedding 162
MISCELLANEOUS
Why He Left 23 A Boy's Essay on Girls 38 Identified 47 One Better 48 A Rendition 57 A Cause for Thanks 73 Crowded 103 The Wedding Journey 105 A Case of Conscience 126 He Rose to the Occasion 136 Polite 137 Lost, Strayed or Stolen 138 A Gentle Complaint 141 Music by the Choir 173
WASHINGTON IRVING
WOUTER VAN TWILLER
It was in the year of our Lord 1629 that Mynheer Wouter Van Twiller was appointed Governor of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, under the commission and control of their High Mightinesses the Lords States General of the United Netherlands, and the privileged West India Company.
This renowned old gentleman arrived at New Amsterdam in the merry month of June, the sweetest month in all the year; when dan Apollo seems to dance up the transparent firmament--when the robin, the thrush, and a thousand other wanton songsters make the woods to resound with amorous ditties, and the luxurious little bob-lincon revels among the clover blossoms of the meadows--all which happy coincidences persuaded the old dames of New Amsterdam, who were skilled in the art of foretelling events, that this was to be a happy and prosperous administration.
The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller was descended from a long line of Dutch burgomasters, who had successively dozed away their lives and grown fat upon the bench of magistracy in Rotterdam, and who had comported themselves with such singular wisdom and propriety that they were never either heard or talked of--which, next to being universally applauded, should be the object of ambition of all magistrates and rulers. There are two opposite ways by which some men make a figure in the world; one, by talking faster than they think, and the other, by holding their tongues and not thinking at all. By the first, many a smatterer acquires the reputation of a man of quick parts; by the other, many a dunderpate, like the owl, the stupidest of birds, comes to be considered the very type of wisdom. This, by the way, is a casual remark, which I would not, for the universe, have it thought I apply to Governor Van Twiller. It is true he was a man shut up within himself, like an oyster, and rarely spoke, except in monosyllables; but then it was allowed he seldom said a foolish thing. So invincible was his gravity that he was never known to laugh or even to smile through the whole course of a long and prosperous life. Nay, if a joke were uttered in his presence that set light-minded hearers in a roar, it was observed to throw him into a state of perplexity. Sometimes he would deign to inquire into the matter, and when, after much explanation, the joke was made as plain as a pike-staff, he would continue to smoke his pipe in silence, and at length, knocking out the ashes, would exclaim, "Well, I see nothing in all that to laugh about."
With all his reflective habits, he never made up his mind on a subject. His adherents accounted for this by the astonishing magnitude of his ideas. He conceived every subject on so grand a scale that he had not room in his head to turn it over and examine both sides of it. Certain it is that, if any matter were propounded to him on which ordinary mortals would rashly determine at first glance, he would put on a vague, mysterious look, shake his capacious head, smoke some time in profound silence, and at length observe that "he had his doubts about the matter"; which gained him the reputation of a man slow of belief and not easily imposed upon. What is more, it gained him a lasting name; for to this habit of the mind has been attributed his surname of Twiller; which is said to be a corruption of the original Twijfler, or, in plain English, _Doubter_.
The person of this illustrious old gentleman was formed and proportioned as though it had been molded by the hands of some cunning Dutch statuary, as a model of majesty and lordly grandeur. He was exactly five feet six inches in height, and six feet five inches in circumference. His head was a perfect sphere, and of such stupendous dimensions that Dame Nature, with all her sex's ingenuity, would have been puzzled to construct a neck capable of supporting it; wherefore she wisely declined the attempt, and settled it firmly on the top of his backbone, just between the shoulders. His body was oblong, and particularly capacious at bottom; which was wisely ordered by Providence seeing that he was a man of sedentary habits, and very averse to the idle labor of walking. His legs were short, but sturdy in proportion to the weight they had to sustain; so that when erect he had not a little the appearance of a beer barrel on skids. His face, that infallible index of the mind, presented a vast expanse, unfurrowed by those lines and angles which disfigure the human countenance with what is termed expression. Two small gray eyes twinkled feebly in the midst, like two stars of lesser magnitude in a hazy firmament; and his full-fed cheeks, which seemed to have taken toll of everything that went into his mouth, were curiously mottled and streaked with dusky red, like a Spitzenberg apple.
His habits were as regular as his person. He daily took his four stated meals, appropriating exactly an hour to each; he smoked and doubted eight hours, and he slept the remaining twelve of the four-and-twenty. Such was the renowned Wouter Van Twilleri--a true philosopher, for his mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly settled below, the cares and perplexities of this world. He had lived in it for years, without feeling the least curiosity to know whether the sun revolved round it, or it round the sun; and he had watched for at least half a century the smoke curling from his pipe to the ceiling, without once troubling his head with any of those numerous theories by which a philosopher would have perplexed his brain, in accounting for its rising above the surrounding atmosphere.
In his council he presided with great state and solemnity. He sat in a huge chair of solid oak, hewn in the celebrated forest of the Hague, fabricated by an experienced timmerman of Amsterdam, and curiously carved about the arms and feet into exact imitations of gigantic eagle's claws. Instead of a scepter, he swayed a long Turkish pipe, wrought with jasmine and amber, which had been presented to a stadtholder of Holland at the conclusion of a treaty with one of the petty Barbary powers. In this stately chair would he sit, and this magnificent pipe would he smoke, shaking his right knee with a constant motion, and fixing his eye for hours together upon a little print of Amsterdam which hung in a black frame against the opposite wall of the council chamber. Nay, it has even been said that when any deliberation of extraordinary length and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned Wouter would shut his eyes for full two hours at a time, that he might not be disturbed by external objects; and at such times the internal commotion of his mind was evinced by certain regular guttural sounds, which his admirers declared were merely the noise of conflict made by his contending doubts and opinions.
It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to collect these biographical anecdotes of the great man under consideration. The facts respecting him were so scattered and vague, and divers of them so questionable in point of authenticity, that I have had to give up the search after many, and decline the admission of still more, which would have tended to heighten the coloring of his portrait.
I have been the more anxious to delineate fully the person and habits of Wouter Van Twiller, from the consideration that he was not only the first but also the best Governor that ever presided over this ancient and respectable province; and so tranquil and benevolent was his reign, that I do not find throughout the whole of it a single instance of any offender being brought to punishment--a most indubitable sign of a merciful Governor, and a case unparalleled, excepting in the reign of the illustrious King Log, from whom, it is hinted, the renowned Van Twiller was a lineal descendant.
The very outset of the career of this excellent magistrate was distinguished by an example of legal acumen that gave flattering presage of a wise and equitable administration. The morning after he had been installed in office, and at the moment that he was making his breakfast from a prodigious earthen dish, filled with milk and Indian pudding, he was interrupted by the appearance of Wandle Schoonhoven, a very important old burgher of New Amsterdam, who complained bitterly of one Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he refused to come to a settlement of accounts, seeing that there was a heavy balance in favor of the said Wandle. Governor Van Twiller, as I have already observed, was a man of few words; he was likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying writings--or being disturbed at his breakfast. Having listened attentively to the statement of Wandle Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as he shoveled a spoonful of Indian pudding into his mouth--either as a sign that he relished the dish, or comprehended the story--he called unto him his constable, and pulling out of his breeches pocket a huge jack-knife, despatched it after the defendant as a summons, accompanied by his tobacco-box as a warrant.
This summary process was as effectual in those simple days as was the seal-ring of the great Haroun Alraschid among the true believers. The two parties being confronted before him, each produced a book of accounts, written in a language and character that would have puzzled any but a High-Dutch commentator or a learned decipherer of Egyptian obelisks. The sage Wouter took them one after the other, and having poised them in his hands and attentively counted over the number of leaves, fell straightway into a very great doubt, and smoked for half an hour without saying a word; at length, laying his finger beside his nose and shutting his eyes for a moment, with the air of a man who has just caught a subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from his mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco smoke, and with marvelous gravity and solemnity pronounced, that, having carefully counted over the leaves and weighed the books, it was found that one was just as thick and as heavy as the other; therefore, it was the final opinion of the court that the accounts were equally balanced: therefore, Wandle should give Barent a receipt, and Barent should give Wandle a receipt, and the constable should pay the costs.
This decision, being straightway made known, diffused general joy throughout New Amsterdam, for the people immediately perceived that they had a very wise and equitable magistrate to rule over them. But its happiest effect was that not another lawsuit took place throughout the whole of his administration; and the office of constable fell into such decay that there was not one of those losel scouts known in the province for many years. I am the more particular in dwelling on this transaction, not only because I deem it one of the most sage and righteous judgments on record, and well worthy the attention of modern magistrates, but because it was a miraculous event in the history of the renowned Wouter--being the only time he was ever known to come to a decision in the whole course of his life.
WILHELMUS KIEFT
As some sleek ox, sunk in the rich repose of a clover field, dozing and chewing the cud, will bear repeated blows before it raises itself, so the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, having waxed fat under the drowsy reign of the Doubter, needed cuffs and kicks to rouse it into action. The reader will now witness the manner in which a peaceful community advances toward a state of war; which is apt to be like the approach of a horse to a drum, with much prancing and little progress, and too often with the wrong end foremost.
Wilhelmus Kieft, who in 1634 ascended the gubernatorial chair (to borrow a favorite though clumsy appellation of modern phraseologists), was of a lofty descent, his father being inspector of windmills in the ancient town of Saardam; and our hero, we are told, when a boy, made very curious investigations into the nature and operations of these machines, which was one reason why he afterward came to be so ingenious a Governor. His name, according to the most authentic etymologists, was a corruption of Kyver--that is to say, a _wrangler_ or _scolder_, and expressed the characteristic of his family, which, for nearly two centuries, have kept the windy town of Saardam in hot water and produced more tartars and brimstones than any ten families in the place; and so truly did he inherit this family peculiarity, that he had not been a year in the government of the province before he was universally denominated William the Testy. His appearance answered to his name. He was a brisk, wiry, waspish little old gentleman, such a one as may now and then be seen stumping about our city in a broad-skirted coat with huge buttons, a cocked hat stuck on the back of his head, and a cane as high as his chin. His face was broad, but his features were sharp; his cheeks were scorched into a dusky red by two fiery little gray eyes, his nose turned up, and the corners of his mouth turned down, pretty much like the muzzle of an irritable pug-dog.