Chapter 47 of 78 · 14284 words · ~71 min read

V.

Then they whispered to each other, "O delightful little brother, What a lovely walk we've taken! Let us dine on beans and bacon." So the Ducky and the leetle Browny-Mousy and the Beetle Dined, and danced upon their heads Till they toddled to their beds.

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* * * * *

NONSENSE STORIES.

THE STORY OF THE FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN WHO WENT ROUND THE WORLD.

Once upon a time, a long while ago, there were four little people whose names were

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VIOLET, SLINGSBY, GUY, and LIONEL; and they all thought they should like to see the world. So they bought a large boat to sail quite round the world by sea, and then they were to come back on the other side by land. The boat was painted blue with green spots, and the sail was yellow with red stripes: and, when they set off, they only took a small Cat to steer and look after the boat, besides an elderly Quangle-Wangle, who had to cook the dinner and make the tea; for which purposes they took a large kettle.

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For the first ten days they sailed on beautifully, and found plenty to eat, as there were lots of fish; and they had only to take them out of the sea with a long spoon, when the Quangle-Wangle instantly cooked them; and the Pussy-Cat was fed with the bones, with which she expressed herself pleased, on the whole: so that all the party were very happy.

During the daytime, Violet chiefly occupied herself in putting salt water into a churn; while her three brothers churned it violently, in the hope that it would turn into butter, which it seldom if ever did; and in the evening they all retired into the tea-kettle, where they all managed to sleep very comfortably, while Pussy and the Quangle-Wangle managed the boat.

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After a time, they saw some land at a distance; and, when they came to it, they found it was an island made of water quite surrounded by earth. Besides that, it was bordered by evanescent isthmuses, with a great gulf-stream running about all over it; so that it was perfectly beautiful, and contained only a single tree, 503 feet high.

When they had landed, they walked about, but found, to their great surprise, that the island was quite full of veal-cutlets and chocolate-drops, and nothing else. So they all climbed up the single high tree to discover, if possible, if there were any people; but having remained on the top of the tree for a week, and not seeing anybody, they naturally concluded that there were no inhabitants; and accordingly, when they came down, they loaded the boat with two thousand veal-cutlets and a million of chocolate-drops; and these afforded them sustenance for more than a month, during which time they pursued their voyage with the utmost delight and apathy.

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After this they came to a shore where there were no less than sixty-five great red parrots with blue tails, sitting on a rail all of a row, and all fast asleep. And I am sorry to say that the Pussy-Cat and the Quangle-Wangle crept softly, and bit off the tail-feathers of all the sixty-five parrots; for which Violet reproved them both severely.

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Notwithstanding which, she proceeded to insert all the feathers--two hundred and sixty in number--in her bonnet; thereby causing it to have a lovely and glittering appearance, highly prepossessing and efficacious.

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The next thing that happened to them was in a narrow part of the sea, which was so entirely full of fishes that the boat could go on no farther: so they remained there about six weeks, till they had eaten nearly all the fishes, which were soles, and all ready-cooked, and covered with shrimp-sauce, so that there was no trouble whatever. And as the few fishes who remained uneaten complained of the cold, as well as of the difficulty they had in getting any sleep on account of the extreme noise made by the arctic bears and the tropical turnspits, which frequented the neighborhood in great numbers, Violet most amiably knitted a small woollen frock for several of the fishes, and Slingsby administered some opium-drops to them; through which kindness they became quite warm, and slept soundly.

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Then they came to a country which was wholly covered with immense orange-trees of a vast size, and quite full of fruit. So they all landed, taking with them the tea-kettle, intending to gather some of the oranges, and place them in it. But, while they were busy about this, a most dreadfully high wind rose, and blew out most of the parrot-tail feathers from Violet's bonnet. That, however, was nothing compared with the calamity of the oranges falling down on their heads by millions and millions, which thumped and bumped and bumped and thumped them all so seriously, that they were obliged to run as hard as they could for their lives; besides that the sound of the oranges rattling on the tea-kettle was of the most fearful and amazing nature.

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Nevertheless, they got safely to the boat, although considerably vexed and hurt; and the Quangle-Wangle's right foot was so knocked about, that he had to sit with his head in his slipper for at least a week.

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This event made them all for a time rather melancholy: and perhaps they might never have become less so, had not Lionel, with a most praiseworthy devotion and perseverance, continued to stand on one leg, and whistle to them in a loud and lively manner; which diverted the whole party so extremely that they gradually recovered their spirits, and agreed that whenever they should reach home, they would subscribe towards a testimonial to Lionel, entirely made of gingerbread and raspberries, as an earnest token of their sincere and grateful infection.

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After sailing on calmly for several more days, they came to another country, where they were much pleased and surprised to see a countless multitude of white Mice with red eyes, all sitting in a great circle, slowly eating custard-pudding with the most satisfactory and polite demeanor.

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And as the four travellers were rather hungry, being tired of eating nothing but soles and oranges for so long a period, they held a council as to the propriety of asking the Mice for some of their pudding in a humble and affecting manner, by which they could hardly be otherwise than gratified. It was agreed, therefore, that Guy should go and ask the Mice, which he immediately did; and the result was, that they gave a walnut-shell only half full of custard diluted with water. Now, this displeased Guy, who said, "Out of such a lot of pudding as you have got, I must say, you might have spared a somewhat larger quantity." But no sooner had he finished speaking than the Mice turned round at once, and sneezed at him in an appalling and vindictive manner (and it is impossible to imagine a more scroobious and unpleasant sound than that caused by the simultaneous sneezing of many millions of angry Mice); so that Guy rushed back to the boat, having first shied his cap into the middle of the custard-pudding, by which means he completely spoiled the Mice's dinner.

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By and by the four children came to a country where there were no houses, but only an incredibly innumerable number of large bottles without corks, and of a dazzling and sweetly susceptible blue color. Each of these blue bottles contained a Blue-Bottle-Fly; and all these interesting animals live continually together in the most copious and rural harmony: nor perhaps in many parts of the world is such perfect and abject happiness to be found. Violet and Slingsby and Guy and Lionel were greatly struck with this singular and instructive settlement; and, having previously asked permission of the Blue-Bottle-Flies (which was most courteously granted), the boat was drawn up to the shore, and they proceeded to make tea in front of the bottles: but as they had no tea-leaves, they merely placed some pebbles in the hot water; and the Quangle-Wangle played some tunes over it on an accordion, by which, of course, tea was made directly, and of the very best quality.

The four children then entered into conversation with the Blue-Bottle-Flies, who discoursed in a placid and genteel manner, though with a slightly buzzing accent, chiefly owing to the fact that they each held a small clothes-brush between their teeth, which naturally occasioned a fizzy, extraneous utterance.

"Why," said Violet, "would you kindly inform us, do you reside in bottles; and, if in bottles at all, why not, rather, in green or purple, or, indeed, in yellow bottles?"

To which questions a very aged Blue-Bottle-Fly answered, "We found the bottles here all ready to live in; that is to say, our great-great-great- great-great-grandfathers did: so we occupied them at once. And, when the winter comes on, we turn the bottles upside down, and consequently rarely feel the cold at all; and you know very well that this could not be the case with bottles of any other color than blue."

"Of course it could not," said Slingsby. "But, if we may take the liberty of inquiring, on what do you chiefly subsist?"

"Mainly on oyster-patties," said the Blue-Bottle-Fly; "and, when these are scarce, on raspberry vinegar and Russian leather boiled down to a jelly."

"How delicious!" said Guy.

To which Lionel added, "Huzz!" And all the Blue-Bottle-Flies said, "Buzz!"

At this time, an elderly Fly said it was the hour for the evening-song to be sung; and, on a signal being given, all the Blue-Bottle-Flies began to buzz at once in a sumptuous and sonorous manner, the melodious and mucilaginous sounds echoing all over the waters, and resounding across the tumultuous tops of the transitory titmice upon the intervening and verdant mountains with a serene and sickly suavity only known to the truly virtuous. The Moon was shining slobaciously from the star-bespangled sky, while her light irrigated the smooth and shiny sides and wings and backs of the Blue-Bottle-Flies with a peculiar and trivial splendor, while all Nature cheerfully responded to the cerulean and conspicuous circumstances.

In many long-after years, the four little travellers looked back to that evening as one of the happiest in all their lives; and it was already past midnight when--the sail of the boat having been set up by the Quangle-Wangle, the tea-kettle and churn placed in their respective positions, and the Pussy-Cat stationed at the helm--the children each took a last and affectionate farewell of the Blue-Bottle-Flies, who walked down in a body to the water's edge to see the travellers embark.

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As a token of parting respect and esteem, Violet made a courtesy quite down to the ground, and stuck one of her few remaining parrot-tail feathers into the back hair of the most pleasing of the Blue-Bottle-Flies; while Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel offered them three small boxes, containing, respectively, black pins, dried figs, and Epsom salts; and thus they left that happy shore forever.

Overcome by their feelings, the four little travellers instantly jumped into the tea-kettle, and fell fast asleep. But all along the shore, for many hours, there was distinctly heard a sound of severely-suppressed sobs, and of a vague multitude of living creatures using their pocket-handkerchiefs in a subdued simultaneous snuffle, lingering sadly along the walloping waves as the boat sailed farther and farther away from the Land of the Happy Blue-Bottle-Flies.

Nothing particular occurred for some days after these events, except that, as the travellers were passing a low tract of sand, they perceived an unusual and gratifying spectacle; namely, a large number of Crabs and Crawfish--perhaps six or seven hundred--sitting by the water-side, and endeavoring to disentangle a vast heap of pale pink worsted, which they moistened at intervals with a fluid composed of lavender-water and white-wine negus.

"Can we be of any service to you, O crusty Crabbies?" said the four children.

"Thank you kindly," said the Crabs consecutively. "We are trying to make some worsted mittens, but do not know how."

On which Violet, who was perfectly acquainted with the art of mitten-making, said to the Crabs, "Do your claws unscrew, or are they fixtures?"

"They are all made to unscrew," said the Crabs; and forthwith they deposited a great pile of claws close to the boat, with which Violet uncombed all the pale pink worsted, and then made the loveliest mittens with it you can imagine. These the Crabs, having resumed and screwed on their claws, placed cheerfully upon their wrists, and walked away rapidly on their hind-legs, warbling songs with a silvery voice and in a minor key.

After this, the four little people sailed on again till they came to a vast and wide plain of astonishing dimensions, on which nothing whatever could be discovered at first; but, as the travellers walked onward, there appeared in the extreme and dim distance a single object, which on a nearer approach, and on an accurately cutaneous inspection, seemed to be somebody in a large white wig, sitting on an arm-chair made of sponge-cakes and oyster-shells. "It does not quite look like a human being," said Violet doubtfully; nor could they make out what it really was, till the Quangle-Wangle (who had previously been round the world) exclaimed softly in a loud voice, "It is the co-operative Cauliflower!"

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And so, in truth, it was: and they soon found that what they had taken for an immense wig was in reality the top of the Cauliflower; and that he had no feet at all, being able to walk tolerably well with a fluctuating and graceful movement on a single cabbage-stalk,--an accomplishment which naturally saved him the expense of stockings and shoes.

Presently, while the whole party from the boat was gazing at him with mingled affection and disgust, he suddenly arose, and, in a somewhat plumdomphious manner, hurried off towards the setting sun,--his steps supported by two superincumbent confidential Cucumbers, and a large number of Waterwagtails proceeding in advance of him by three and three in a row,--till he finally disappeared on the brink of the western sky in a crystal cloud of sudorific sand.

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So remarkable a sight, of course, impressed the four children very deeply; and they returned immediately to their boat with a strong sense of undeveloped asthma and a great appetite.

Shortly after this, the travellers were obliged to sail directly below some high overhanging rocks, from the top of one of which a particularly odious little boy, dressed in rose-colored knickerbockers, and with a pewter plate upon his head, threw an enormous pumpkin at the boat, by which it was instantly upset.

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But this upsetting was of no consequence, because all the party knew how to swim very well: and, in fact, they preferred swimming about till after the moon rose; when, the water growing chilly, they sponge-taneously entered the boat. Meanwhile the Quangle-Wangle threw back the pumpkin with immense force, so that it hit the rocks where the malicious little boy in rose-colored knickerbockers was sitting; when, being quite full of lucifer-matches, the pumpkin exploded surreptitiously into a thousand bits; whereon the rocks instantly took fire, and the odious little boy became unpleasantly hotter and hotter and hotter, till his knickerbockers were turned quite green, and his nose was burnt off.

Two or three days after this had happened, they came to another place, where they found nothing at all except some wide and deep pits full of mulberry-jam. This is the property of the tiny, yellow-nosed Apes who abound in these districts, and who store up the mulberry-jam for their food in winter, when they mix it with pellucid pale periwinkle-soup, and serve it out in wedgewood china-bowls, which grow freely all over that part of the country. Only one of the yellow-nosed Apes was on the spot, and he was fast asleep; yet the four travellers and the Quangle-Wangle and Pussy were so terrified by the violence and sanguinary sound of his snoring, that they merely took a small cupful of the jam, and returned to re-embark in their boat without delay.

What was their horror on seeing the boat (including the churn and the tea-kettle) in the mouth of an enormous Seeze Pyder, an aquatic and ferocious creature truly dreadful to behold, and, happily, only met with in those excessive longitudes! In a moment, the beautiful boat was bitten into fifty-five thousand million hundred billion bits; and it instantly became quite clear that Violet, Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel could no longer preliminate their voyage by sea.

The four travellers were therefore obliged to resolve on pursuing their wanderings by land: and, very fortunately, there happened to pass by at that moment an elderly Rhinoceros, on which they seized; and, all four mounting on his back,--the Quangle-Wangle sitting on his horn, and holding on by his ears, and the Pussy-Cat swinging at the end of his tail,--they set off, having only four small beans and three pounds of mashed potatoes to last through their whole journey.

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They were, however, able to catch numbers of the chickens and turkeys and other birds who incessantly alighted on the head of the Rhinoceros for the purpose of gathering the seeds of the rhododendron-plants which grew there; and these creatures they cooked in the most translucent and satisfactory manner by means of a fire lighted on the end of the Rhinoceros's back. A crowd of Kangaroos and gigantic Cranes accompanied them, from feelings of curiosity and complacency; so that they were never at a loss for company, and went onward, as it were, in a sort of profuse and triumphant procession.

Thus in less than eighteen weeks they all arrived safely at home, where they were received by their admiring relatives with joy tempered with contempt, and where they finally resolved to carry out the rest of their travelling-plans at some more favorable opportunity.

As for the Rhinoceros, in token of their grateful adherence, they had him killed and stuffed directly, and then set him up outside the door of their father's house as a diaphanous doorscraper.

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THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OF THE LAKE PIPPLE-POPPLE.

## CHAPTER I.

INTRODUCTORY.

In former days,--that is to say, once upon a time,--there lived in the Land of Gramble-Blamble seven families. They lived by the side of the great Lake Pipple-Popple (one of the seven families, indeed, lived _in_ the lake), and on the outskirts of the city of Tosh, which, excepting when it was quite dark, they could see plainly. The names of all these places you have probably heard of; and you have only not to look in your geography-books to find out all about them.

Now, the seven families who lived on the borders of the great Lake Pipple-Popple were as follows in the next chapter.

## CHAPTER II.

THE SEVEN FAMILIES.

There was a family of two old Parrots and seven young Parrots.

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There was a family of two old Storks and seven young Storks.

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There was a family of two old Geese and seven young Geese.

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There was a family of two old Owls and seven young Owls.

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There was a family of two old Guinea Pigs and seven young Guinea Pigs.

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There was a family of two old Cats and seven young Cats.

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And there was a family of two old Fishes and seven young Fishes.

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## CHAPTER III.

THE HABITS OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES.

The Parrots lived upon the Soffsky-Poffsky trees, which were beautiful to behold, and covered with blue leaves; and they fed upon fruit, artichokes, and striped beetles.

The Storks walked in and out of the Lake Pipple-Popple, and ate frogs for breakfast, and buttered toast for tea; but on account of the extreme length of their legs they could not sit down, and so they walked about continually.

The Geese, having webs to their feet, caught quantities of flies, which they ate for dinner.

The Owls anxiously looked after mice, which they caught, and made into sago-puddings.

The Guinea Pigs toddled about the gardens, and ate lettuces and Cheshire cheese.

The Cats sate still in the sunshine, and fed upon sponge biscuits.

The Fishes lived in the lake, and fed chiefly on boiled periwinkles.

And all these seven families lived together in the utmost fun and felicity.

## CHAPTER IV.

THE CHILDREN OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES ARE SENT AWAY.

One day all the seven fathers and the seven mothers of the seven families agreed that they would send their children out to see the world.

So they called them all together, and gave them each eight shillings and some good advice, some chocolate-drops, and a small green morocco pocket-book to set down their expenses in.

They then particularly entreated them not to quarrel; and all the parents sent off their children with a parting injunction.

"If," said the old Parrots, "you find a cherry, do not fight about who should have it."

"And," said the old Storks, "if you find a frog, divide it carefully into seven bits, but on no account quarrel about it."

And the old Geese said to the seven young Geese, "Whatever you do, be sure you do not touch a plum-pudding flea."

And the old Owls said, "If you find a mouse, tear him up into seven slices, and eat him cheerfully, but without quarrelling."

And the old Guinea Pigs said, "Have a care that you eat your lettuces, should you find any, not greedily, but calmly."

And the old Cats said, "Be particularly careful not to meddle with a clangle-wangle if you should see one."

And the old Fishes said, "Above all things, avoid eating a blue boss-woss; for they do not agree with fishes, and give them a pain in their toes."

So all the children of each family thanked their parents; and, making in all forty-nine polite bows, they went into the wide world.

## CHAPTER V.

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG PARROTS.

The seven young Parrots had not gone far, when they saw a tree with a single cherry on it, which the oldest Parrot picked instantly; but the other six, being extremely hungry, tried to get it also. On which all the seven began to fight; and they scuffled, and huffled, and ruffled, and shuffled, and puffled, and muffled, and buffled, and duffled, and fluffled, and guffled, and bruffled, and screamed, and shrieked, and squealed, and squeaked, and clawed, and snapped, and bit, and bumped, and thumped, and dumped, and flumped each other, till they were all torn into little bits; and at last there was nothing left to record this painful incident except the cherry and seven small green feathers.

And that was the vicious and voluble end of the seven young Parrots.

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## CHAPTER VI.

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG STORKS.

When the seven young Storks set out, they walked or flew for fourteen weeks in a straight line, and for six weeks more in a crooked one; and after that they ran as hard as they could for one hundred and eight miles; and after that they stood still, and made a himmeltanious chatter-clatter-blattery noise with their bills.

About the same time they perceived a large frog, spotted with green, and with a sky-blue stripe under each ear.

So, being hungry, they immediately flew at him, and were going to divide him into seven pieces, when they began to quarrel as to which of his legs should be taken off first. One said this, and another said that; and while they were all quarrelling, the frog hopped away. And when they saw that he was gone, they began to chatter-clatter, blatter-platter, patter-blatter, matter-clatter, flatter-quatter, more violently than ever; and after they had fought for a week, they pecked each other all to little pieces, so that at last nothing was left of any of them except their bills.

And that was the end of the seven young Storks.

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## CHAPTER VII.

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GEESE.

When the seven young Geese began to travel, they went over a large plain, on which there was but one tree, and that was, a very bad one.

So four of them went up to the top of it, and looked about them; while the other three waddled up and down, and repeated poetry, and their last six lessons in arithmetic, geography, and cookery.

Presently they perceived, a long way off, an object of the most interesting and obese appearance, having a perfectly round body exactly resembling a boiled plum-pudding, with two little wings, and a beak, and three feathers growing out of his head, and only one leg.

So, after a time, all the seven young Geese said to each other, "Beyond all doubt this beast must be a Plum-pudding Flea!"

On which they incautiously began to sing aloud,

"Plum-pudding Flea, Plum-pudding Flea, Wherever you be, Oh! come to our tree, And listen, oh! listen, oh! listen to me!"

And no sooner had they sung this verse than the Plum-pudding Flea began to hop and skip on his one leg with the most dreadful velocity, and came straight to the tree, where he stopped, and looked about him in a vacant and voluminous manner.

On which the seven young Geese were greatly alarmed, and all of a tremble-bemble: so one of them put out his long neck, and just touched him with the tip of his bill; but no sooner had he done this than the Plum-pudding Flea skipped and hopped about more and more, and higher and higher; after which he opened his mouth, and, to the great surprise and indignation of the seven Geese, began to bark so loudly and furiously and terribly, that they were totally unable to bear the noise; and by degrees every one of them suddenly tumbled down quite dead.

So that was the end of the seven young Geese.

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## CHAPTER VIII.

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG OWLS.

When the seven young Owls set out, they sate every now and then on the branches of old trees, and never went far at one time.

And one night, when it was quite dark, they thought they heard a mouse; but, as the gas-lamps were not lighted, they could not see him.

So they called out, "Is that a mouse?"

On which a mouse answered, "Squeaky-peeky-weeky! yes, it is!"

And immediately all the young Owls threw themselves off the tree, meaning to alight on the ground; but they did not perceive that there was a large well below them, into which they all fell superficially, and were every one of them drowned in less than half a minute.

So that was the end of the seven young Owls.

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## CHAPTER IX.

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GUINEA PIGS.

The seven young Guinea Pigs went into a garden full of goose-berry-bushes and tiggory-trees, under one of which they fell asleep. When they awoke, they saw a large lettuce, which had grown out of the ground while they had been sleeping, and which had an immense number of green leaves. At which they all exclaimed,--

"Lettuce! O lettuce Let us, O let us, O lettuce-leaves, O let us leave this tree, and eat Lettuce, O let us, lettuce-leaves!"

And instantly the seven young Guinea Pigs rushed with such extreme force against the lettuce-plant, and hit their heads so vividly against its stalk, that the concussion brought on directly an incipient transitional inflammation of their noses, which grew worse and worse and worse and worse, till it incidentally killed them all seven.

And that was the end of the seven young Guinea Pigs.

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## CHAPTER X.

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG CATS.

The seven young Cats set off on their travels with great delight and rapacity. But, on coming to the top of a high hill, they perceived at a long distance off a Clangle-Wangle (or, as it is more properly written, Clangel-Wangel); and, in spite of the warning they had had, they ran straight up to it.

(Now, the Clangle-Wangle is a most dangerous and delusive beast, and by no means commonly to be met with. They live in the water as well as on land, using their long tail as a sail when in the former element. Their speed is extreme; but their habits of life are domestic and superfluous, and their general demeanor pensive and pellucid. On summer evenings, they may sometimes be observed near the Lake Pipple-Popple, standing on their heads, and humming their national melodies. They subsist entirely on vegetables, excepting when they eat veal or mutton or pork or beef or fish or saltpetre.)

The moment the Clangle-Wangle saw the seven young Cats approach, he ran away; and as he ran straight on for four months, and the Cats, though they continued to run, could never overtake him, they all gradually _died_ of fatigue and exhaustion, and never afterwards recovered.

And this was the end of the seven young Cats.

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## CHAPTER XI.

THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG FISHES.

The seven young Fishes swam across the Lake Pipple-Popple, and into the river, and into the ocean; where, most unhappily for them, they saw, on the fifteenth day of their travels, a bright-blue Boss-Woss, and instantly swam after him. But the Blue Boss-Woss plunged into a perpendicular, spicular, orbicular, quadrangular, circular depth of soft mud; where, in fact, his house was.

And the seven young Fishes, swimming with great and uncomfortable velocity, plunged also into the mud quite against their will, and, not being accustomed to it, were all suffocated in a very short period.

And that was the end of the seven young Fishes.

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## CHAPTER XII.

OF WHAT OCCURRED SUBSEQUENTLY.

After it was known that the

seven young Parrots, and the seven young Storks, and the seven young Geese, and the seven young Owls, and the seven young Guinea Pigs, and the seven young Cats, and the seven young Fishes,

were all dead, then the Frog, and the Plum-pudding Flea, and the Mouse, and the Clangle-Wangle, and the Blue Boss-Woss, all met together to rejoice over their good fortune. And they collected the seven feathers of the seven young Parrots, and the seven bills of the seven young Storks, and the lettuce, and the cherry; and having placed the latter on the lettuce, and the other objects in a circular arrangement at their base, they danced a hornpipe round all these memorials until they were quite tired; after which they gave a tea-party, and a garden-party, and a ball, and a concert, and then returned to their respective homes full of joy and respect, sympathy, satisfaction, and disgust.

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## CHAPTER XIII.

OF WHAT BECAME OF THE PARENTS OF THE FORTY-NINE CHILDREN.

BUT when the two old Parrots, and the two old Storks, and the two old Geese, and the two old Owls, and the two old Guinea Pigs, and the two old Cats, and the two old Fishes,

became aware, by reading in the newspapers, of the calamitous extinction of the whole of their families, they refused all further sustenance; and, sending out to various shops, they purchased great quantities of Cayenne pepper and brandy and vinegar and blue sealing-wax, besides seven immense glass bottles with air-tight stoppers. And, having done this, they ate a light supper of brown-bread and Jerusalem artichokes, and took an affecting and formal leave of the whole of their acquaintance, which was very numerous and distinguished and select and responsible and ridiculous.

## CHAPTER XIV.

CONCLUSION.

And after this they filled the bottles with the ingredients for pickling, and each couple jumped into a separate bottle; by which effort, of course, they all died immediately, and became thoroughly pickled in a few minutes; having previously made their wills (by the assistance of the most eminent lawyers of the district), in which they left strict orders that the stoppers of the seven bottles should be carefully sealed up with the blue sealing-wax they had purchased; and that they themselves, in the bottles, should be presented to the principal museum of the city of Tosh, to be labelled with parchment or any other anti-congenial succedaneum, and to be placed on a marble table with silver-gilt legs, for the daily inspection and contemplation, and for the perpetual benefit, of the pusillanimous public.

And if you ever happen to go to Gramble-Blamble, and visit that museum in the city of Tosh, look for them on the ninety-eighth table in the four hundred and twenty-seventh room of the right-hand corridor of the left wing of the central quadrangle of that magnificent building; for, if you do not, you certainly will not see them.

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* * * * *

NONSENSE COOKERY.

Extract from "The Nonsense Gazette," for August, 1870.

"Our readers will be interested in the following communications from our valued and learned contributor, Prof. Bosh, whose labors in the fields of culinary and botanical science are so well known to all the world. The first three articles richly merit to be added to the domestic cookery of every family: those which follow claim the attention of all botanists; and we are happy to be able, through Dr. Bosh's kindness, to present our readers with illustrations of his discoveries. All the new flowers are found in the Valley of Verrikwier, near the Lake of Oddgrow, and on the summit of the Hill Orfeltugg."

THREE RECEIPTS FOR DOMESTIC COOKERY.

TO MAKE AN AMBLONGUS PIE.

Take 4 pounds (say 4-1/2 pounds) of fresh Amblongusses, and put them in a small pipkin.

Cover them with water, and boil them for 8 hours incessantly; after which add 2 pints of new milk, and proceed to boil for 4 hours more.

When you have ascertained that the Amblongusses are quite soft, take them out, and place them in a wide pan, taking care to shake them well previously.

Grate some nutmeg over the surface, and cover them carefully with powdered gingerbread, curry-powder, and a sufficient quantity of Cayenne pepper.

Remove the pan into the next room, and place it on the floor. Bring it back again, and let it simmer for three-quarters of an hour. Shake the pan violently till all the Amblongusses have become of a pale purple color.

Then, having prepared the paste, insert the whole carefully; adding at the same time a small pigeon, 2 slices of beef, 4 cauliflowers, and any number of oysters.

Watch patiently till the crust begins to rise, and add a pinch of salt from time to time.

Serve up in a clean dish, and throw the whole out of window as fast as possible.

TO MAKE CRUMBOBBLIOUS CUTLETS.

Procure some strips of beef, and, having cut them into the smallest possible slices, proceed to cut them still smaller,--eight, or perhaps nine times.

When the whole is thus minced, brush it up hastily with a new clothes-brush, and stir round rapidly and capriciously with a salt-spoon or a soup-ladle.

Place the whole in a saucepan, and remove it to a sunny place,--say the roof of the house, if free from sparrows or other birds,--and leave it there for about a week.

At the end of that time add a little lavender, some oil of almonds, and a few herring-bones; and then cover the whole with 4 gallons of clarified Crumbobblious sauce, when it will be ready for use.

Cut it into the shape of ordinary cutlets, and serve up in a clean table-cloth or dinner-napkin.

TO MAKE GOSKY PATTIES.

Take a pig three or four years of age, and tie him by the off hind-leg to a post. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast chestnuts, a candle, and 6 bushels of turnips, within his reach: if he eats these, constantly provide him with more.

Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, 4 quires of foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste, and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown waterproof linen.

When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the pig violently with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again.

Visit the paste and beat the pig alternately for some days, and ascertain if, at the end of that period, the whole is about to turn into Gosky Patties.

If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the pig may be let loose, and the whole process may be considered as finished.

* * * * *

NONSENSE BOTANY.

[Illustration: Baccopipia Gracilis.]

[Illustration: Bottlephorkia Spoonifolia.]

[Illustration: Cockatooca Superba.]

[Illustration: Fishia Marina.]

[Illustration: Guittara Pensilis.]

[Illustration: Manypeeplia Upsidownia.]

[Illustration: Phattfacia Stupenda.]

[Illustration: Piggiwiggia Pyramidalis.]

[Illustration: Plumbunnia Nutritiosa.]

[Illustration: Pollybirdia Singularis.]

* * * * *

NONSENSE ALPHABETS.

[Illustration]

A was an ant Who seldom stood still, And who made a nice house In the side of a hill.

a! Nice little ant!

[Illustration]

B was a book With a binding of blue, And pictures and stories For me and for you.

b! Nice little book!

[Illustration]

C was a cat Who ran after a rat; But his courage did fail When she seized on his tail.

c! Crafty old cat!

[Illustration]

D was a duck With spots on his back, Who lived in the water, And always said "Quack!"

d! Dear little duck!

[Illustration]

E was an elephant, Stately and wise: He had tusks and a trunk, And two queer little eyes.

e! Oh, what funny small eyes!

[Illustration]

F was a fish Who was caught in a net; But he got out again, And is quite alive yet.

f! Lively young fish!

[Illustration]

G was a goat Who was spotted with brown: When he did not lie still He walked up and down.

g! Good little goat!

[Illustration]

H was a hat Which was all on one side; Its crown was too high, And its brim was too wide.

h! Oh, what a hat!

[Illustration]

I was some ice So white and so nice, But which nobody tasted; And so it was wasted.

i! All that good ice!

[Illustration]

J was a jackdaw Who hopped up and down In the principal street Of a neighboring town.

j! All through the town!

[Illustration]

K was a kite Which flew out of sight, Above houses so high, Quite into the sky.

k Fly away, kite!

[Illustration]

L was a light Which burned all the night, And lighted the gloom Of a very dark room.

l! Useful nice light!

[Illustration]

M was a mill Which stood on a hill, And turned round and round With a loud hummy sound.

m! Useful old mill!

[Illustration]

N was a net Which was thrown in the sea To catch fish for dinner For you and for me.

n! Nice little net!

[Illustration]

O was an orange So yellow and round: When it fell off the tree, It fell down to the ground.

o! Down to the ground!

[Illustration]

P was a pig, Who was not very big; But his tail was too curly, And that made him surly.

p! Cross little pig!

[Illustration]

Q was a quail With a very short tail; And he fed upon corn In the evening and morn.

q! Quaint little quail!

[Illustration]

R was a rabbit, Who had a bad habit Of eating the flowers In gardens and bowers.

r! Naughty fat rabbit!

[Illustration]

S was the sugar-tongs, Nippity-nee, To take up the sugar To put in our tea.

s! Nippity-nee!

[Illustration]

T was a tortoise, All yellow and black: He walked slowly away, And he never came back.

t! Torty never came back!

[Illustration]

U was an urn All polished and bright, And full of hot water At noon and at night.

u! Useful old urn!

[Illustration]

V was a villa Which stood on a hill, By the side of a river, And close to a mill.

v! Nice little villa!

[Illustration]

W was a whale With a very long tail, Whose movements were frantic Across the Atlantic.

w! Monstrous old whale!

[Illustration]

X was King Xerxes, Who, more than all Turks, is Renowned for his fashion Of fury and passion.

x! Angry old Xerxes!

[Illustration]

Y was a yew, Which flourished and grew By a quiet abode Near the side of a road.

y! Dark little yew!

[Illustration]

Z was some zinc, So shiny and bright, Which caused you to wink In the sun's merry light.

z! Beautiful zinc!

[Illustration]

A was once an apple-pie, Pidy, Widy, Tidy, Pidy, Nice insidy, Apple-pie!

[Illustration]

B was once a little bear, Beary, Wary, Hairy, Beary, Taky cary, Little bear!

[Illustration]

C was once a little cake, Caky, Baky, Maky, Caky, Taky caky, Little cake!

[Illustration]

D was once a little doll, Dolly, Molly, Polly, Nolly, Nursy dolly, Little doll!

[Illustration]

E was once a little eel, Eely, Weely, Peely, Eely, Twirly, tweely, Little eel!

[Illustration]

F was once a little fish, Fishy, Wishy, Squishy, Fishy, In a dishy, Little fish!

[Illustration]

G was once a little goose, Goosy, Moosy, Boosey, Goosey, Waddly-woosy, Little goose!

[Illustration]

H was once a little hen, Henny, Chenny, Tenny, Henny. Eggsy-any, Little hen?

[Illustration]

I was once a bottle of ink Inky, Dinky, Thinky, Inky, Blacky minky, Bottle of ink!

[Illustration]

J was once a jar of jam, Jammy, Mammy, Clammy, Jammy, Sweety, swammy, Jar of jam!

[Illustration]

K was once a little kite, Kity, Whity, Flighty, Kity, Out of sighty, Little kite!

[Illustration]

L was once a little lark, Larky, Marky, Harky, Larky, In the parky, Little lark!

[Illustration]

M was once a little mouse, Mousy, Bousy, Sousy, Mousy, In the housy, Little mouse!

[Illustration]

N was once a little needle, Needly, Tweedly, Threedly, Needly, Wisky, wheedly, Little needle!

[Illustration]

O was once a little owl, Owly, Prowly, Howly, Owly, Browny fowly, Little owl!

[Illustration]

P was once a little pump, Pumpy, Slumpy, Flumpy, Pumpy, Dumpy, thumpy, Little pump!

[Illustration]

Q was once a little quail, Quaily, Faily, Daily, Quaily, Stumpy-taily, Little quail!

[Illustration]

R was once a little rose, Rosy, Posy, Nosy, Rosy, Blows-y, grows-y, Little rose!

[Illustration]

S was once a little shrimp, Shrimpy, Nimpy, Flimpy, Shrimpy. Jumpy, jimpy, Little shrimp!

[Illustration]

T was once a little thrush, Thrushy, Hushy, Bushy, Thrushy, Flitty, flushy, Little thrush!

[Illustration]

U was once a little urn, Urny, Burny, Turny, Urny, Bubbly, burny, Little urn!

[Illustration]

V was once a little vine, Viny, Winy, Twiny, Viny, Twisty-twiny, Little vine!

[Illustration]

W was once a whale, Whaly, Scaly, Shaly, Whaly, Tumbly-taily, Mighty whale!

[Illustration]

X was once a great king Xerxes, Xerxy, Perxy, Turxy, Xerxy, Linxy, lurxy, Great King Xerxes!

[Illustration]

Y was once a little yew, Yewdy, Fewdy, Crudy, Yewdy, Growdy, grewdy, Little yew!

[Illustration]

Z was once a piece of zinc, Tinky, Winky, Blinky, Tinky, Tinkly minky, Piece of zinc!

[Illustration]

A was an ape, Who stole some white tape, And tied up his toes In four beautiful bows.

Funny old ape!

[Illustration]

B was a bat, Who slept all the day, And fluttered about When the sun went away.

Brown little bat!

[Illustration]

C was a camel: You rode on his hump; And if you fell off, You came down such a bump!

What a high camel!

[Illustration]

D was a dove, Who lived in a wood, With such pretty soft wings, And so gentle and good!

Dear little dove!

[Illustration]

E was an eagle, Who sat on the rocks, And looked down on the fields And the-far-away flocks.

Beautiful eagle!

[Illustration]

F was a fan Made of beautiful stuff; And when it was used, It went puffy-puff-puff!

Nice little fan!

[Illustration]

G was a gooseberry, Perfectly red; To be made into jam, And eaten with bread.

Gooseberry red!

[Illustration]

H was a heron, Who stood in a stream: The length of his neck And his legs was extreme.

Long-legged heron!

[Illustration]

I was an inkstand, Which stood on a table, With a nice pen to write with When we are able.

Neat little inkstand!

[Illustration]

J was a jug, So pretty and white, With fresh water in it At morning and night.

Nice little jug!

[Illustration]

K was a kingfisher: Quickly he flew, So bright and so pretty!-- Green, purple, and blue.

Kingfisher blue!

[Illustration]

L was a lily, So white and so sweet! To see it and smell it Was quite a nice treat.

Beautiful lily!

[Illustration]

M was a man, Who walked round and round; And he wore a long coat That came down to the ground.

Funny old man!

[Illustration]

N was a nut So smooth and so brown! And when it was ripe, It fell tumble-dum-down.

Nice little nut!

[Illustration]

O was an oyster, Who lived in his shell: If you let him alone, He felt perfectly well.

Open-mouthed oyster!

[Illustration]

P was a polly, All red, blue, and green,-- The most beautiful polly That ever was seen.

Poor little polly!

[Illustration]

Q was a quill Made into a pen; But I do not know where, And I cannot say when.

Nice little quill!

[Illustration]

R was a rattlesnake, Rolled up so tight, Those who saw him ran quickly, For fear he should bite.

Rattlesnake bite!

[Illustration]

S was a screw To screw down a box; And then it was fastened Without any locks.

Valuable screw!

[Illustration]

T was a thimble, Of silver so bright! When placed on the finger, It fitted so tight!

Nice little thimble!

[Illustration]

U was an upper-coat, Woolly and warm, To wear over all In the snow or the storm.

What a nice upper-coat!

[Illustration]

V was a veil With a border upon it, And a ribbon to tie it All round a pink bonnet.

Pretty green veil!

[Illustration]

W was a watch, Where, in letters of gold, The hour of the day You might always behold.

Beautiful watch!

[Illustration]

X was King Xerxes, Who wore on his head A mighty large turban, Green, yellow, and red.

Look at King Xerxes!

[Illustration]

Y was a yak, From the land of Thibet: Except his white tail, He was all black as jet.

Look at the yak!

[Illustration]

Z was a zebra, All striped white and black; And if he were tame, You might ride on his back.

Pretty striped zebra!

* * * * *

MORE NONSENSE

Pictures, Rhymes, Botany, etc.

EDWARD LEAR

[Illustration]

CONTENTS.

NONSENSE BOTANY

ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES

TWENTY-SIX NONSENSE RHYMES AND PICTURES

[Illustration]

INTRODUCTION.

In offering this little book--the third of its kind--to the public, I am glad to take the opportunity of recording the pleasure I have received at the appreciation its predecessors have met with, as attested by their wide circulation, and by the universally kind notices of them from the Press. To have been the means of administering innocent mirth to thousands, may surely be a just motive for satisfaction, and an excuse for grateful expression.

At the same time, I am desirous of adding a few words as to the history of the two previously published volumes, and more particularly of the first or original "Book of Nonsense," relating to which many absurd reports have crept into circulation, such as that it was the composition of the late Lord Brougham, the late Earl of Derby, etc.; that the rhymes and pictures are by different persons; or that the whole have a symbolical meaning, etc.; whereas, every one of the Rhymes was composed by myself, and every one of the Illustrations drawn by my own hand at the time the verses were made. Moreover, in no portion of these Nonsense drawings have I ever allowed any caricature of private or public persons to appear, and throughout, more care than might be supposed has been given to make the subjects incapable of misinterpretation: "Nonsense," pure and absolute, having been my aim throughout.

As for the persistently absurd report of the late Earl of Derby being the author of the "First Book of Nonsense," I may relate an incident which occurred to me four summers ago, the first that gave me any insight into the origin of the rumor.

I was on my way from London to Guildford, in a railway carriage, containing, besides myself, one passenger, an elderly gentleman: presently, however, two ladies entered, accompanied by two little boys. These, who had just had a copy of the "Book of Nonsense" given them, were loud in their delight, and by degrees infected the whole party with their mirth.

"How grateful," said the old gentleman to the two ladies, "all children, and parents too, ought to be to the statesman who has given his time to composing that charming book!"

(The ladies looked puzzled, as indeed was I, the author.)

"Do you not know who is the writer of it?" asked the gentleman.

"The name is 'Edward Lear,'" said one of the ladies.

"Ah!" said the first speaker, "so it is printed; but that is only a whim of the real author, the Earl of Derby. 'Edward' is his Christian name, and, as you may see, LEAR is only EARL transposed."

"But," said the lady, doubtingly, "here is a dedication to the great-grandchildren, grand-nephews, and grand-nieces of Edward, thirteenth Earl of Derby, by the author, Edward Lear."

"That," replied the other, "is simply a piece of mystification; I am in a position to know that the whole book was composed and illustrated by Lord Derby himself. In fact, there is no such a person at all as Edward Lear."

"Yet," said the other lady, "some friends of mine tell me they know Mr. Lear."

"Quite a mistake! completely a mistake!" said the old gentleman, becoming rather angry at the contradiction; "I am well aware of what I am saying: I can inform you, no such a person as 'Edward Lear' exists!"

Hitherto I had kept silence; but as my hat was, as well as my handkerchief and stick, largely marked inside with my name, and as I happened to have in my pocket several letters addressed to me, the temptation was too great to resist; so, flashing all these articles at once on my would-be extinguisher's attention, I speedily reduced him to silence.

The second volume of Nonsense, commencing with the verses, "The Owl and the Pussy-Cat," was written at different times, and for different sets of children: the whole being collected in the course of last year, were then illustrated, and published in a single volume, by Mr. R.J. Bush, of 32 Charing Cross.

The contents of the third or present volume were made also at different intervals in the last two years.

Long years ago, in days when much of my time was passed in a country house, where children and mirth abounded, the lines beginning, "There was an old man of Tobago," were suggested to me by a valued friend, as a form of verse lending itself to limitless variety for rhymes and pictures; and thenceforth the greater part of the original drawings and verses for the first "Book of Nonsense" were struck off with a pen, no assistance ever having been given me in any way but that of uproarious delight and welcome at the appearance of every new absurdity.

Most of these Drawings and Rhymes were transferred to lithographic stones in the year 1846, and were then first published by Mr. Thomas McLean, of the Haymarket. But that edition having been soon exhausted, and the call for the "Book of Nonsense" continuing, I added a considerable number of subjects to those previously-published, and having caused the whole to be carefully reproduced in woodcuts by Messrs. Dalzell, I disposed of the copyright to Messrs. Routledge and Warne, by whom the volume was published in 1843. EDWARD LEAR.

VILLA EMILY, SAN REMO, August, 1871.

* * * * *

NONSENSE BOTANY.

[Illustration: Barkia Howlaloudia.]

[Illustration: Enkoopia Chickabiddia.]

[Illustration: Jinglia Tinkettlia.]

[Illustration: Nasticreechia Krorluppia.]

[Illustration: Arthbroomia Rigida.]

[Illustration: Sophtsluggia Glutinosa.]

[Illustration: Minspysia Deliciosa.]

[Illustration: Shoebootia Utilis.]

[Illustration: Stunnia Dinnerbellia.]

[Illustration: Tickia Orologica.]

[Illustration: Washtubbia Circularis.]

[Illustration: Tigerlillia Terribilis.]

* * * * *

ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES.

[Illustration]

There was a young person of Bantry, Who frequently slept in the pantry; When disturbed by the mice, she appeased them with rice, That judicious young person of Bantry.

[Illustration]

There was an Old Man at a Junction, Whose feelings were wrung with compunction When they said, "The Train's gone!" he exclaimed, "How forlorn!" But remained on the rails of the Junction.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Minety, Who purchased five hundred and ninety Large apples and pears, which he threw unawares At the heads of the people of Minety.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Thermopylae, Who never did anything properly; But they said, "If you choose to boil eggs in your shoes, You shall never remain in Thermopylae."

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Deal, Who in walking used only his heel; When they said, "Tell us why?" he made no reply, That mysterious old person of Deal.

[Illustration]

There was an old man on the Humber, Who dined on a cake of Burnt Umber; When he said, "It's enough!" they only said, "Stuff! You amazing old man on the Humber!"

[Illustration]

There was an old man in a barge, Whose nose was exceedingly large; But in fishing by night, it supported a light, Which helped that old man in a barge.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Dunrose; A parrot seized hold of his nose. When he grew melancholy, they said, "His name's Polly," Which soothed that old man of Dunrose.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Toulouse Who purchased a new pair of shoes; When they asked, "Are they pleasant?" he said, "Not at present!" That turbid old man of Toulouse.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Bree, Who frequented the depths of the sea; She nurs'd the small fishes, and washed all the dishes, And swam back again into Bree.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Bromley, Whose ways were not cheerful or comely; He sate in the dust, eating spiders and crust, That unpleasing old person of Bromley.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Shields, Who frequented the vallies and fields; All the mice and the cats, and the snakes and the rats, Followed after that person of Shields.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Dunluce, Who went out to sea on a goose: When he'd gone out a mile, he observ'd with a smile, "It is time to return to Dunluce."

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Dee-side Whose hat was exceedingly wide, But he said, "Do not fail, if it happen to hail, To come under my hat at Dee-side!"

[Illustration]

There was an old person in black, A Grasshopper jumped on his back; When it chirped in his ear, he was smitten with fear, That helpless old person in black.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of the Dargle Who purchased six barrels of Gargle; For he said, "I'll sit still, and will roll them down hill, For the fish in the depths of the Dargle."

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Pinner, As thin as a lath, if not thinner; They dressed him in white, and roll'd him up tight, That elastic old person of Pinner.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of China, Whose daughters were Jiska and Dinah, Amelia and Fluffy, Olivia and Chuffy, And all of them settled in China.

[Illustration]

There was an old man in a Marsh, Whose manners were futile and harsh; He sate on a log, and sang songs to a frog, That instructive old man in a Marsh.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Brill, Who purchased a shirt with a frill; But they said, "Don't you wish, you mayn't look like a fish, You obsequious old person of Brill?"

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Wick, Who said, "Tick-a-Tick, Tick-a-Tick; Chickabee, Chickabaw." And he said nothing more, That laconic old person of Wick.

[Illustration]

There was an old man at a Station, Who made a promiscuous oration; But they said, "Take some snuff!--You have talk'd quite enough, You afflicting old man at a Station!"

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Three Bridges, Whose mind was distracted by midges, He sate on a wheel, eating underdone veal, Which relieved that old man of Three Bridges.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Hong Kong, Who never did anything wrong; He lay on his back, with his head in a sack, That innocuous old man of Hong Kong.

[Illustration]

There was a young person in green, Who seldom was fit to be seen; She wore a long shawl, over bonnet and all, Which enveloped that person in green.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Fife, Who was greatly disgusted with life; They sang him a ballad, and fed him on salad, Which cured that old person of Fife.

[Illustration]

There was an old man who screamed out Whenever they knocked him about: So they took off his boots, and fed him with fruits, And continued to knock him about.

[Illustration]

There was a young lady in white, Who looked out at the depths of the night; But the birds of the air, filled her heart with despair, And oppressed that young lady in white.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Slough, Who danced at the end of a bough; But they said, "If you sneeze, you might damage the trees, You imprudent old person of Slough."

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Down, Whose face was adorned with a frown; When he opened the door, for one minute or more, He alarmed all the people of Down.

[Illustration]

There was a young person in red, Who carefully covered her head, With a bonnet of leather, and three lines of feather, Besides some long ribands of red.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Hove, Who frequented the depths of a grove; Where he studied his books, with the wrens and the rooks, That tranquil old person of Hove.

[Illustration]

There was a young person in pink, Who called out for something to drink; But they said, "O my daughter, there's nothing but water!" Which vexed that young person in pink.

[Illustration]

There was an old lady of France, Who taught little ducklings to dance; When she said, "Tick-a-tack!" they only said, "Quack!" Which grieved that old lady of France.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Putney, Whose food was roast spiders and chutney, Which he took with his tea, within sight of the sea, That romantic old person of Putney.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Loo, Who said, "What on earth shall I do?" When they said, "Go away!" she continued to stay, That vexatious old person of Loo.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Woking, Whose mind was perverse and provoking; He sate on a rail, with his head in a pail, That illusive old person of Woking.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Dean Who dined on one pea, and one bean; For he said, "More than that, would make me too fat," That cautious old person of Dean.

[Illustration]

There was a young lady in blue, Who said, "Is it you? Is it you?" When they said, "Yes, it is," she replied only, "Whizz!" That ungracious young lady in blue.

[Illustration]

There was an old Man in a Garden, Who always begged every one's pardon; When they asked him, "What for?" he replied, "You're a bore! And I trust you'll go out of my garden."

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Pisa, Whose daughters did nothing to please her; She dressed them in gray, and banged them all day, Round the walls of the city of Pisa.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Florence, Who held mutton chops in abhorrence; He purchased a Bustard, and fried him in Mustard, Which choked that old person of Florence.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Sheen, Whose expression was calm and serene; He sate in the water, and drank bottled porter, That placid old person of Sheen.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Ware, Who rode on the back of a bear; When they ask'd, "Does it trot?" he said, "Certainly not! He's a Moppsikon Floppsikon bear!"

[Illustration]

There was a young person of Janina, Whose uncle was always a fanning her; When he fanned off her head, she smiled sweetly, and said, "You propitious old person of Janina!"

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Cashmere, Whose movements were scroobious and queer; Being slender and tall, he looked over a wall, And perceived two fat ducks of Cashmere.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Cassel, Whose nose finished off in a tassel; But they call'd out, "Oh well! don't it look like a bell!" Which perplexed that old person of Cassel.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Pett, Who was partly consumed by regret; He sate in a cart, and ate cold apple tart, Which relieved that old person of Pett.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Spithead, Who opened the window, and said,-- "Fil-jomble, fil-jumble, fil-rumble-come-tumble!" That doubtful old man of Spithead.

[Illustration]

There was an old man on the Border, Who lived in the utmost disorder; He danced with the cat, and made tea in his hat, Which vexed all the folks on the Border.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Dumbree, Who taught little owls to drink tea; For he said, "To eat mice is not proper or nice," That amiable man of Dumbree.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Filey, Of whom his acquaintance spoke highly; He danced perfectly well, to the sound of a bell, And delighted the people of Filey.

[Illustration]

There was an old man whose remorse Induced him to drink Caper Sauce; For they said, "If mixed up with some cold claret-cup, It will certainly soothe your remorse!"

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Ibreem, Who suddenly threaten'd to scream; But they said, "If you do, we will thump you quite blue, You disgusting old man of Ibreem!"

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Wilts, Who constantly walked upon stilts; He wreathed them with lilies and daffy-down-dillies, That elegant person of Wilts.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Grange, Whose manners were scroobious and strange; He sailed to St. Blubb in a waterproof tub, That aquatic old person of Grange.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Newry, Whose manners were tinctured with fury; He tore all the rugs, and broke all the jugs, Within twenty miles' distance of Newry.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Dumblane, Who greatly resembled a crane; But they said, "Is it wrong, since your legs are so long, To request you won't stay in Dumblane?"

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Port Grigor, Whose actions were noted for vigour; He stood on his head till his waistcoat turned red, That eclectic old man of Port Grigor.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of El Hums, Who lived upon nothing but crumbs, Which he picked off the ground, with the other birds round, In the roads and the lanes of El Hums.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of West Dumpet, Who possessed a large nose like a trumpet; When he blew it aloud, it astonished the crowd, And was heard through the whole of West Dumpet.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Sark, Who made an unpleasant remark; But they said, "Don't you see what a brute you must be, You obnoxious old person of Sark!"

[Illustration]

There was an old man whose despair Induced him to purchase a hare: Whereon one fine day he rode wholly away, Which partly assuaged his despair.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Barnes, Whose garments were covered with darns; But they said, "Without doubt, you will soon wear them out, You luminous person of Barnes!"

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Nice, Whose associates were usually Geese. They walked out together in all sorts of weather, That affable person of Nice!

[Illustration]

There was a young lady of Greenwich, Whose garments were border'd with Spinach; But a large spotty Calf bit her shawl quite in half, Which alarmed that young lady of Greenwich.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Cannes, Who purchased three fowls and a fan; Those she placed on a stool, and to make them feel cool She constantly fanned them at Cannes.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Ickley, Who could not abide to ride quickly; He rode to Karnak on a tortoise's back, That moony old person of Ickley.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Hyde, Who walked by the shore with his bride, Till a Crab who came near fill'd their bosoms with fear, And they said, "Would we'd never left Hyde!"

[Illustration]

There was an old person in gray, Whose feelings were tinged with dismay; She purchased two parrots, and fed them with carrots, Which pleased that old person in gray.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Ancona, Who found a small dog with no owner, Which he took up and down all the streets of the town, That anxious old man of Ancona.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Sestri, Who sate himself down in the vestry; When they said, "You are wrong!" he merely said "Bong!" That repulsive old person of Sestri.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Blythe, Who cut up his meat with a scythe; When they said, "Well! I never!" he cried, "Scythes for ever!" That lively old person of Blythe.

[Illustration]

There was a young person of Ayr, Whose head was remarkably square: On the top, in fine weather, she wore a gold feather; Which dazzled the people of Ayr.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Rimini, Who said, "Gracious! Goodness! O Gimini!" When they said, "Please be still!" she ran down a hill, And was never more heard of at Rimini.

[Illustration]

There is a young lady, whose nose, Continually prospers and grows; When it grew out of sight, she exclaimed in a fright, "Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Ealing, Who was wholly devoid of good feeling; He drove a small gig, with three Owls and a Pig, Which distressed all the people of Ealing.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Thames Ditton, Who called out for something to sit on; But they brought him a hat, and said, "Sit upon that, You abruptious old man of Thames Ditton!"

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Bray, Who sang through the whole of the day To his ducks and his pigs, whom he fed upon figs, That valuable person of Bray.

[Illustration]

There was a young person whose history Was always considered a mystery; She sate in a ditch, although no one knew which, And composed a small treatise on history.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Bow, Whom nobody happened to know; So they gave him some soap, and said coldly, "We hope You will go back directly to Bow!"

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Rye, Who went up to town on a fly; But they said, "If you cough, you are safe to fall off! You abstemious old person of Rye!"

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Crowle, Who lived in the nest of an owl; When they screamed in the nest, he screamed out with the rest, That depressing old person of Crowle.

[Illustration]

There was an old Lady of Winchelsea, Who said, "If you needle or pin shall see On the floor of my room, sweep it up with the broom!" That exhaustive old Lady of Winchelsea!

[Illustration]

There was an old man in a tree, Whose whiskers were lovely to see; But the birds of the air pluck'd them perfectly bare, To make themselves nests in that tree.

[Illustration]

There was a young lady of Corsica, Who purchased a little brown saucy-cur; Which she fed upon ham, and hot raspberry jam, That expensive young lady of Corsica.

[Illustration]

There was a young lady of Firle, Whose hair was addicted to curl; It curled up a tree, and all over the sea, That expansive young lady of Firle.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Stroud, Who was horribly jammed in a crowd; Some she slew with a kick, some she scrunched with a stick, That impulsive old person of Stroud.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Boulak, Who sate on a Crocodile's back; But they said, "Towr'ds the night he may probably bite, Which might vex you, old man of Boulak!"

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Skye, Who waltz'd with a Bluebottle fly: They buzz'd a sweet tune, to the light of the moon, And entranced all the people of Skye.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Blackheath, Whose head was adorned with a wreath Of lobsters and spice, pickled onions and mice, That uncommon old man of Blackheath.

[Illustration]

There was an old man, who when little Fell casually into a kettle; But, growing too stout, he could never get out, So he passed all his life in that kettle.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Dundalk, Who tried to teach fishes to walk; When they tumbled down dead, he grew weary, and said, "I had better go back to Dundalk!"

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Shoreham, Whose habits were marked by decorum; He bought an Umbrella, and sate in the cellar, Which pleased all the people of Shoreham.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Bar, Who passed all her life in a jar, Which she painted pea-green, to appear more serene, That placid old person of Bar.

[Illustration]

There was a young person of Kew, Whose virtues and vices were few; But with blamable haste she devoured some hot paste, Which destroyed that young person of Kew.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Jodd, Whose ways were perplexing and odd; She purchased a whistle, and sate on a thistle, And squeaked to the people of Jodd.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Bude, Whose deportment was vicious and crude; He wore a large ruff of pale straw-colored stuff, Which perplexed all the people of Bude.

[Illustration]

There was an old person of Brigg, Who purchased no end of a wig; So that only his nose, and the end of his toes, Could be seen when he walked about Brigg.

[Illustration]

There was an old man of Messina, Whose daughter was named Opsibeena; She wore a small wig, and rode out on a pig, To the perfect delight of Messina.

TWENTY-SIX NONSENSE RHYMES AND PICTURES.

[Illustration]

The Absolutely Abstemious Ass, who resided in a Barrel, and only lived on Soda Water and Pickled Cucumbers.

[Illustration]

The Bountiful Beetle, who always carried a Green Umbrella when it didn't rain, and left it at home when it did.

[Illustration]

The Comfortable Confidential Cow, who sate in her Red Morocco Arm Chair and toasted her own Bread at the parlour Fire.

[Illustration]

The Dolomphious Duck, who caught Spotted Frogs for her dinner with a Runcible Spoon.

[Illustration]

The Enthusiastic Elephant, who ferried himself across the water with the Kitchen Poker and a New pair of Ear-rings.

[Illustration]

The Fizzgiggious Fish, who always walked about upon Stilts, because he had no legs.

[Illustration]

The Good-natured Grey Gull, who carried the Old Owl, and his Crimson Carpet-bag, across the river, because he could not swim.

[Illustration]

The Hasty Higgeldipiggledy Hen, who went to market in a Blue Bonnet and Shawl, and bought a Fish for her Supper.

[Illustration]

The Inventive Indian, who caught a Remarkable Rabbit in a Stupendous Silver Spoon.

[Illustration]

The Judicious Jubilant Jay, who did up her Back Hair every morning with a Wreath of Roses, Three feathers, and a Gold Pin.

[Illustration]

The Kicking Kangaroo, who wore a Pale Pink Muslin dress with Blue spots.

[Illustration]

The Lively Learned Lobster, who mended his own Clothes with a Needle and Thread.

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The Melodious Meritorious Mouse, who played a merry minuet on the Piano-forte.

[Illustration]

The Nutritious Newt, who purchased a Round Plum-pudding for his grand-daughter.

[Illustration]

The Obsequious Ornamental Ostrich, who wore Boots to keep his feet quite dry.

[Illustration: PARSNIP PIE]

The Perpendicular Purple Polly, who read the Newspaper and ate Parsnip Pie with his Spectacles.

[Illustration]

The Queer Querulous Quail, who smoked a Pipe of tobacco on the top of a Tin Tea-kettle.

[Illustration]

The Rural Runcible Raven, who wore a White Wig and flew away with the Carpet Broom.

[Illustration]

The Scroobious Snake, who always wore a Hat on his Head, for fear he should bite anybody.

[Illustration]

The Tumultuous Tom-tommy Tortoise, who beat a Drum all day long in the middle of the wilderness.

[Illustration]

The Umbrageous Umbrella-maker, whose Face nobody ever saw, because it was always covered by his Umbrella.

[Illustration]

The Visibly Vicious Vulture, who wrote some Verses to a Veal-cutlet in a Volume bound in Vellum.

[Illustration]

The Worrying Whizzing Wasp, who stood on a Table, and played sweetly on a Flute with a Morning Cap.

[Illustration]

The Excellent Double-extra XX imbibing King Xerxes, who lived a long while ago.

[Illustration]

The Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, whose Head was ever so much bigger than his Body, and whose Hat was rather small.

[Illustration]

The Zigzag Zealous Zebra, who carried five Monkeys on his back all the way to Jellibolee.

* * * * *

LAUGHABLE LYRICS

A Fourth Book of Nonsense Poems, Songs, Botany, Music, etc.

EDWARD LEAR

Author of the _Book of Nonsense_, _More Nonsense_, _Nonsense Songs, Stories_, etc., etc.

With All the Original Illustrations.

[Illustration]

CONTENTS

LAUGHABLE LYRICS. THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE THE TWO OLD BACHELORS THE PELICAN CHORUS THE YONGHY-BONGHY-Bò THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES THE NEW VESTMENTS MR. AND MRS. DISCOBBOLOS THE QUANGLE WANGLE'S HAT THE CUMMERBUND THE AKOND OF SWAT

NONSENSE BOTANY

" ALPHABET, No. 5 " " No. 6

* * * * *

LAUGHABLE LYRICS.

THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE.

[Illustration]

When awful darkness and silence reign Over the great Gromboolian plain, Through the long, long wintry nights; When the angry breakers roar As they beat on the rocky shore; When Storm-clouds brood on the towering heights Of the Hills of the Chankly Bore,--

Then, through the vast and gloomy dark There moves what seems a fiery spark,-- A lonely spark with silvery rays Piercing the coal-black night,-- A Meteor strange and bright: Hither and thither the vision strays, A single lurid light.

Slowly it wanders, pauses, creeps,-- Anon it sparkles, flashes, and leaps; And ever as onward it gleaming goes A light on the Bong-tree stems it throws. And those who watch at that midnight hour From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower, Cry, as the wild light passes along,-- "The Dong! the Dong! The wandering Dong through the forest goes! The Dong! the Dong! The Dong with a luminous Nose!"

Long years ago The Dong was happy and gay, Till he fell in love with a Jumbly Girl Who came to those shores one day. For the Jumblies came in a sieve, they did,-- Landing at eve near the Zemmery Fidd Where the Oblong Oysters grow, And the rocks are smooth and gray. And all the woods and the valleys rang With the Chorus they daily and nightly sang,-- "_Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a sieve._"

Happily, happily passed those days! While the cheerful Jumblies staid; They danced in circlets all night long, To the plaintive pipe of the lively Dong, In moonlight, shine, or shade. For day and night he was always there By the side of the Jumbly Girl so fair, With her sky-blue hands and her sea-green hair; Till the morning came of that hateful day When the Jumblies sailed in their sieve away, And the Dong was left on the cruel shore Gazing, gazing for evermore,-- Ever keeping his weary eyes on That pea-green sail on the far horizon,-- Singing the Jumbly Chorus still As he sate all day on the grassy hill,-- "_Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a sieve_."

But when the sun was low in the West, The Dong arose and said,-- "What little sense I once possessed Has quite gone out of my head!" And since that day he wanders still By lake and forest, marsh and hill, Singing, "O somewhere, in valley or plain, Might I find my Jumbly Girl again! For ever I'll seek by lake and shore Till I find my Jumbly Girl once more!"

Playing a pipe with silvery squeaks, Since then his Jumbly Girl he seeks; And because by night he could not see, He gathered the bark of the Twangum Tree On the flowery plain that grows. And he wove him a wondrous Nose,-- A Nose as strange as a Nose could be!

Of vast proportions and painted red, And tied with cords to the back of his head. In a hollow rounded space it ended With a luminous Lamp within suspended, All fenced about With a bandage stout To prevent the wind from blowing it out; And with holes all round to send the light In gleaming rays on the dismal night

And now each night, and all night long, Over those plains still roams the Dong; And above the wail of the Chimp and Snipe You may hear the squeak of his plaintive pipe, While ever he seeks, but seeks in vain, To meet with his Jumbly Girl again; Lonely and wild, all night he goes,-- The Dong with a luminous Nose! And all who watch at the midnight hour, From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower, Cry, as they trace the Meteor bright, Moving along through the dreary night,-- "This is the hour when forth he goes, The Dong with a luminous Nose! Yonder, over the plain he goes,-- He goes! He goes,-- The Dong with a luminous Nose!"

THE TWO OLD BACHELORS.

[Illustration]

Two old Bachelors were living in one house; One caught a Muffin, the other caught a Mouse. Said he who caught the Muffin to him who caught the Mouse,-- "This happens just in time! For we've nothing in the house, Save a tiny slice of lemon and a teaspoonful of honey, And what to do for dinner--since we haven't any money? And what can we expect if we haven't any dinner, But to lose our teeth and eyelashes and keep on growing thinner?"

Said he who caught the Mouse to him who caught the Muffin,-- "We might cook this little Mouse, if we only had some Stuffin'! If we had but Sage and Onion we could do extremely well; But how to get that Stuffin' it is difficult to tell!"

Those two old Bachelors ran quickly to the town And asked for Sage and Onion as they wandered up and down; They borrowed two large Onions, but no Sage was to be found In the Shops, or in the Market, or in all the Gardens round.

But some one said, "A hill there is, a little to the north, And to its purpledicular top a narrow way leads forth; And there among the rugged rocks abides an ancient Sage,-- An earnest Man, who reads all day a most perplexing page. Climb up, and seize him by the toes,--all studious as he sits,-- And pull him down, and chop him into endless little bits! Then mix him with your Onion (cut up likewise into Scraps),-- When your Stuffin' will be ready, and very good--perhaps."

Those two old Bachelors without loss of time The nearly purpledicular crags at once began to climb; And at the top, among the rocks, all seated in a nook, They saw that Sage a-reading of a most enormous book.

"You earnest Sage!" aloud they cried, "your book you've read enough in! We wish to chop you into bits to mix you into Stuffin'!"

But that old Sage looked calmly up, and with his awful book, At those two Bachelors' bald heads a certain aim he took; And over Crag and precipice they rolled promiscuous down,-- At once they rolled, and never stopped in lane or field or town; And when they reached their house, they found (besides their want of Stuffin'), The Mouse had fled--and, previously, had eaten up the Muffin.

They left their home in silence by the once convivial door; And from that hour those Bachelors were never heard of more.

[Illustration: Sheet Music--The Pelicans]

[Illustration]

THE PELICAN CHORUS.

King and Queen of the Pelicans we; No other Birds so grand we see! None but we have feet like fins! With lovely leathery throats and chins! Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican Jill! We think so then, and we thought so still

We live on the Nile. The Nile we love. By night we sleep on the cliffs above; By day we fish, and at eve we stand On long bare islands of yellow sand. And when the sun sinks slowly down, And the great rock walls grow dark and brown,

Where the purple river rolls fast and dim And the Ivory Ibis starlike skim, Wing to wing we dance around, Stamping our feet with a flumpy sound, Opening our mouths as Pelicans ought; And this is the song we nightly snort,-- Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still!

Last year came out our Daughter Dell, And all the Birds received her well. To do her honor a feast we made For every bird that can swim or wade,-- Herons and Gulls, and Cormorants black, Cranes, and Flamingoes with scarlet back, Plovers and Storks, and Geese in clouds, Swans and Dilberry Ducks in crowds: Thousands of Birds in wondrous flight! They ate and drank and danced all night, And echoing back from the rocks you heard Multitude-echoes from Bird and Bird,-- Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still!

Yes, they came; and among the rest The King of the Cranes all grandly dressed. Such a lovely tail! Its feathers float Between the ends of his blue dress-coat; With pea-green trowsers all so neat, And a delicate frill to hide his feet (For though no one speaks of it, every one knows He has got no webs between his toes).

As soon as he saw our Daughter Dell, In violent love that Crane King fell,-- On seeing her waddling form so fair, With a wreath of shrimps in her short white hair. And before the end of the next long day Our Dell had given her heart away; For the King of the Cranes had won that heart With a Crocodile's egg and a large fish-tart. She vowed to marry the King of the Cranes, Leaving the Nile for stranger plains; And away they flew in a gathering crowd Of endless birds in a lengthening cloud. Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still!

And far away in the twilight sky We heard them singing a lessening cry,-- Farther and farther, till out of sight, And we stood alone in the silent night! Often since, in the nights of June, We sit on the sand and watch the moon,--

She has gone to the great Gromboolian Plain, And we probably never shall meet again! Oft, in the long still nights of June, We sit on the rocks and watch the moon,-- She dwells by the streams of the Chankly Bore. And we probably never shall see her more. Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still!

[NOTE.--The Air of this and the following Song by Edward Lear; the Arrangement for the Piano by Professor Pomè, of San Remo, Italy.]

[Illustration: Sheet Music--The Yonghy Bonghy Bò]

THE COURTSHIP OF THE YONGHY-BONGHY-BÒ.

[Illustration]