Part II
. by James Hogg, the Aye-trick Shepherd.--VIII. Liar Bacon; ditto.--IX. The Broken Heart; a Merriment.--X. A Gallop on the Grave of Keats.--XI. Mode of Applying Torture to the Mind.--XII. Philosophy of Self, No. I; by the Publisher.--XIII. A Grey Head brought in sorrow to the Grave; a Capital Joke.--XIV. Cowardice made easy to the meanest capacity, by Mr. Lackheart.--XV. On the probable injurious Influence of Moral and Religious Instruction on our Character and Circulation; by the Publisher.--XVI. Any Man's Privacy, every Man's Property.--XVII. The Loathing Bull, or the Widow's Cow; a Sentiment.--XVIII. Elegy on Henry IX., King of England.--XIX. Pleasures of Malignity, by Mr. Lackheart.--XX. The Grave Digger, No. 101.--XXI. The Bum Boat, No. 17.--XXII. The Scottish Regalia; an old Wife's Tale.--XXIII. A few words to that immense body of Mankind, who refuse to hand us the siller.--XXIV. Works we are preparing for Suffocation.--XXV. Monthly List of Jew Publications.--XXVI. Monthly Wretched-stir.
A PERTICULAR FAC.
We hae muckle fear for the weal o' the Cantry o'Breetan, frae the great deal o' ill huiks, like unto the deil's buiks, and the like o'that. We hae juist glowred o'er a wee bnikee, a verra bad buik indeed--a verra bad buifc. An' we are verra sorey to say, there are money o' sic bad buiks, fu' o-' daflin, trying to thraw contemp upo' the thron an' the halter, ca'ing the Lord Provost a full, an' the Lord Advocate nae better, and a' the great folk pawkie loons; an' we can compare't to naething but the muckle black de'il fiddling thro' the toon. As sic is the case, it's nae for the siller we're writing, but oot o' pure lawyellty an' patriotism for the guid o' the Cantry. Gin the silly peeple keun'd what wa'd be guid for them, they wa'd nae fash themsels aboot learning to read ava, or read naething but our Maggy-zeen, an' we hope to see the day whan there'll be naething but our Maggy-zeen read thro' a' the Cantry; for we are fermly persuaded that the folk are turning o'er learned, an' we are aye endeavoring to write them doon to the state o' happy ignorance an' respectfu' submission that they war in, whan the guid-wife wad say to her ain guid man, 'Git up, Donald, and be hangit, an' dinna anger the laird!' It's naething but right and proper that King Geordie an' his _Mean-astres_ s'ud juist hae their ain gait o't in a' things 'as the Cat had wi' the haggis:--ate the pudden, an' gaed to sleep i' the bag!' For an it be na sae, we're muckle afeerd that his most gracious _Mad-jestie_ winna be aible to eat his parritch, an' scrach himsel' in safety.
N. B. We hae great help _in preevat_ frae Sir Wattie, who _conn'd-his-ends de'el-hight-fully_, an' his guid-son, Maister Lackheart, is our perticular freend an' contra-booter; an' Maister Blackguard drives that 'Jacobite Relic' Jamie Hogg, the aye-trick Sheepherd, juist as he likes. And sae we'll hae mony delectfu' extracts fra' the buiks prentit in Niddry's Wynd, an' a wallet o' ballets pruiving the truith o' the sayen o' his _Mad-jestie_ King Jamie the Saxt, that 'to scratch whare it etches is o'er muckle luck-surie for a mere sabject.'
_Edinburgh: Printed for W. Blackwood, 17, Princes-street._
*****
In thin Quarto,
A VISION OF WANT OF JUDGMENT. By SLOBBER'D
MOUTHEY, Esq. Hell, Hell, D--; Poet Sorry-head, Mumbler of the Royal Spanish Satiety, of the Satieties of every other place, of the Royal Order of Turncoats, and of an eminent Welch Obscurity {236}
A NEW VISION,
By ROBERT SOUTHEY, Esq.! LL.D.!!
Poet Laureate!!! &c.!!!! &c.!!!!! &c.!!!!!!
'Twas at that sober hour when the light of day is receding, I alone in Slop's Office was left; and, in trouble of spirit, I mused on old times, till my comfort of heart had departed. Pensile at least I shall be, methought--_sus. per coll._ surely! And therewithal felt I my neckcloth; when lo! on a sudden, There came on my eyes, hanging mid-way 'twixt heav'n and St. James's, The book call'd the _Pension List_. There did I see my name written, Yea ev'n in that great book of life! It was sweet to my eyelids, As dew from a tax! and _Infinity_ seem'd to be open, And I said to myself, 'Now a blessing be on thee, my Robert! And a blessing on thee too my pen! and on thee too my sack-but!' Now, as thus I was standing, mine ear heard a rap at the street-door, Ev'n such as a man might make bold with, half gentle half footman; And lo! up the stairs, dotting one, one, after the other, Came the leg of a wonder, hop! hop! through the silence of evening; And then a voice snarling from the throat of the him they call Murray, Who said, as he hopp'd, 'Must the _Muck Times_ be mournful at _all_ times? Lo, SLOP, I've a sop, for your mop; yes--hop! hop! I've a _story_, With which I'll light _you_ up, if you'll light me, Slop, up another.' 'Don't be so _bold!_ methought a _larking_ voice from the skylight Answer'd, and therewithal I felt fear as of frightening; Knowing not why, or how, my soul seem'd night-cap to my body. Then came again the voice, but then with a louder squalling-- 'Go to hell,' said the voice. 'What!,' said I, inwardly, 'I go!' When lo, and behold, a great wonder!--I, I, Robert Southey, Even I, Robert Southey, Esquire, LL.D. Poet Laureate, Member of the Royal Spanish Academy, of the Ditto of history too, of the Institute Royal Of Dutchland, and eke of the Welch Cymmodorion wonder, Author of Joan of Arc, of much Jacobin Verse, and Wat Tyler, Et cætera, et caetera, et caetera, et cætera, et cætera, (For it's unknown all the things that I am, and have written), I, as I said before, ev'n I, by myself, I, Unlike, in that single respect, to my great master Dante, (For Virgil went with him to help him), but like in all others, Rush'd up into Paradise boldly, which angels themselves don't, Yea ev'n into Paradise rush'd I, through showers of _flimsies_, All as good as the Bank, and for hailstones I found there were _Sovereigns_, Spick and span new; and anon was a body all glorified, Even all the great Host both of Church and State, Crosses, Grand Crosses, Commanders, Companions, and Knights of all possible orders, Commons and Peers, the souls of the sold, whom Pensions made perfect,
DOCTOR
[Illustration: 245]
[Illustration: 246]
Flocking {239}on either hand, a multitudinous army,
Coronet, Crosier, and Mitre, in grand semicircle inclining,
Tier over tier they took their place, aloft in the distance,
Far as the sight could pierce, Stars, Garters, and Gold Sticks.
From among the throng bless'd, all full dress'd, in a Field Marshal's uniform, Rose one, with a bow serene, who, aloft, took his station;
Before him the others crouch'd down, all inclining in concert,
Bent like a bull-rush sea, with a wide and a manifold motion:
There he stood in the midst alone; and in front was the presence,
With periwig curling and gay, and a swallow-cut coat-tail.
Hear ye of long ears! Lo! in that place was _Canning_,
He who strengthens the Church and State, with his Manton's hair-triggers, And sneers on his lips, and eyes leering, and _rupturous_ speeches;
With him Fletcher Franklin I saw, and Sir Robert, my namesake,
Worthy the name! even Baker, Sir Robert, of Bow-street;
And Gifford, with face made of lachrymose, savage and feeble,
Who delighteth with Croker to cut up men, women, and young men,
And therefore did Hazlitt cut him up, and so he stood mangled.
There, too, brocaded and satin'd, stood smiling and bowing,
With Court-mask'd appearance, the Fearful One, him of Triangle!
And there, too, the Foolish one, far-conscienced, the Doctor!
And I saw in the vision, the Generals, Sol. and Attorney;
And Sacchi, was there too and him surnamed _Non mi Ricordo_;
And Mad'moiselle Dæmon, and Barbara Kress, and Rastelli;
And Mister, and Mister-ess Jessop, and eke the Miss Jessups;
And Mar-Ai' H--, and M-ss C-m, also;
And Mrs. Fitz--t, and C--ch; and in sooth all the Beauties
Of the 'Georgian age,' except Robinson Mary,
Whom great G. first sent to the D--, and little G. after,
Namely Gifford, who smote at her sorely, yea, ev'n at her crutches,
So that she fell in her grave, and said, 'Cover me kind earth!'
And the great minded Cl---- was there, looking like to Behemoth;
And the Lauderdale disinterested, great Scotch standard-bearer,
And there, too, the king's much-conspired-against-stationer, King, stood, The Lord Mayor of Dublin, who sendeth his Majesty's whiskey;
And the Members of Orange Clubs all, anti-Irish shullelahs;
And a heav'nly assembly of parsons, some, lately, expectant--
Parson Hey? Parson B. called, otherwise, Parson Black-cow, divine brute! Parson C. alias Croly, or Crawley, or Coronaroly,
Who putteth forth innocent pamphlet? on pure coronations,
Expecteth Milleniums, and laudeth the Blackguard of Blackwood's,
And looketh both lofty and slavish, a dreaminess high-nosed,
As if he had, under the chin been, by worshipful men, chuck'd;
And great Parson Eat--n V--slone, who'd swallow any thing surely;
And the _Manchester Yeomanry Cavalry_, riding down women;
And Alderman Atkins, with Curtis, that big belly-gerent;
And Flower, and Bridges, C. Smith, and the rest of the Bridge Gang;
All cloth'd for the heav'nly occasion in their best Indictments!
And there all the Lottery-contractors, and such like, were also;
And there {240}Mr. Strong-i-th'-arm, his Majesty's Seal-Engraver, was also; And they all who forged, lo! the French Assignats, were there also;
And the Court-newsman also was there--
(The Spirit now bids me write prose, but that, you know's all the same thine;) And Colburn with his Muck Monthly Magazine was there;
And Ward, the Animal Painter, with a piece of spoil'd canvas, 35 feet wide by 21, was there;
But Bird who, most disloyally, died of a broken heart, was not there;
And the Duke of Wellington, with the Sword of State, was there;
And Sir John Silvester, the Recorder of London, and his assistant, were there; And Messrs. Uundell and Bridge, the Jewellers who repair'd the Crown, were there;
And the Pigtails out off from his Majesty's guards were there;
And the Guards themselves in their neat uniforms, and new white gaiters, were there;
And the State Coach and Coachmen and Horses were there;
And the other Ministers of State in their new State Liveries were there; And the Clerks of the Council and the two Silver Inkstands were there; And all the Gentlemen of the Stock Exchange were there;
And all the Gentlemen of the Shipping Interest were there;
And all the Gentlemen of the Landed Interest were there;
But all the people without Interest were not there;
And all the Peers who voted the Queen of England guilty were-there;
And all the Ministerial Members of the House of Commons were there; And Dr. Slop with 'fresh fig-leaves for Adam and Ere' was there;
And the Royal Proclamation against Vice and Immorality was pasted up there. And behold, while I read it, thinking to put it, excellent as it was, Into language still better,
Methought, in my vision, I dreamt--dream within dream intercircled--And seem'd to be hurried away, by a vehement whirlwind,
To Flames and Sulphurous Darkness, where certain of my Minor Poems were scorching,
Yet unconsum'd, in penal fire; and so was I purified
For deeds done in the flesh, being, through them, burnt by proxy!
There, too, roasted the Bishop of Osnaburgh's Doxy,
But the Righteous-one, _the Prince Bishop himself_, was in Heaven;
And two Boots were there, as a burnt-offering for peccadillo,
But the Owner thereof was a glorified spirit above,
Where, as in duty bound, I had sung to him 'Twang-a-dillo,
He that loves a pretty girl, is a hearty good fellow!'
And in Torment (but here the blest rage of the bard returns on me)
And in torment was She, who, on earth, had been also tormented By Him who is never, nor can be accused, of aught vicious;
With her were the friends of my childhood--not leaving out Coleridge; And they who were kill'd by the Manchester Yeomanry also;
And Truth, the whole Truth, nothing but the Truth, suffered the burning. Then I turn'd my meek eyes, in their gladness, to Heaven, and my place there, And ascending, I flew back to Paradise, singing of Justice;
Where, fill'd with divine expectation of merited favour,
{241}
The gathering host look'd to him, in whom all their hopes center'd,
As the everlasting hand; and I, too, press'd forward to obtain--
But old recollections withheld me;--down, down, dropp'd my sack-but, And my feet, methought, slid, and I fell precipitate. Starting,
Then I awoke, with my hair up, and lo! my young days were before me, Dark yet distinct; but instead of the voice of the honest,
I hoard only Murray's yap', yap! and hap! hop! through the silence of evening: Yap! hop! and hop! yap!--and hence came the hop, step, and jump, of my verses.
[Illustration: 249]
BOROUGH-BRIDGE REFORM.
The the Ancient and Honourable Corporation of Boroughmongers, in Parlaverment assembled, THE PETITION of the Ancient and Honourable Corporation of London Bridge in Arches assembled,
Hombly sheweth,
That, for some time past, an opinion has prevailed, that your Petitioners' _Arches_ are narrow and decayed, and that their continuance in their present state is attended with an unnecessary annual expense, and loss of lives.
That, in consequence of this opinion, a large body of persons assembled for Bridge Reform, have insisted upon the necessity of widening your Petitioners' _Arches_, and have actually erected, in your Petitioners' neighbourhood, a new bridge, with arches calculated to give free course to the whole tide, and a safe and uninterrupted public communication--to the great scandal of your Petitioners.
That your Petitioners' Arches, and the Borough Arches of your Honourable Structure, are the production of one and the same mind.
That your Honourable Structure being a model of perfection, your Petitioners have, therefore, a right to presume that their Bridge is also a model of perfection.
That your Petitioners, respectfully referring to the enlightened declaration of the Emperor of Austria, that what is ancient is good, humbly beg leave to represent, that it is essential to the permanence of your Honourable Structure in its present state, to stop the progress of all enlargement.
And your Petitioners humbly pray, that the Right Hon. George Canning may be assigned advocate in their behalf, to convince the Public that your Petitioners' Arches are exactly as numerous, as narrow, and as decayed as they ought-to-be; which office your Petitioners have no doubt the said Right Hon. Gent. will gladly undertake, upon being allowed to receive an ample toll.
AND YOUR PETITIONERS, as in uniformity found, will ever pray for Your Honourable Structure.
{242}
ADVERTISEMENTS
TO ACCOUNTANTS and Others. Any Persons who will undertake to unravel the Financial ACCOUNTS of Messrs. VAN and Co. to the understanding of the
## Parties interested in their Affairs, may have CONSTANT EMPLOY. Apply
to Mr. Bull, who is concerned for the Creditors, at the Pawnbrokers, in Capel-court.
*****
REVOLUTIONARY WIG.
The late Mr. Sergeant Copley's wig-maker begs leave to inform gentlemen of the profession, that he has completely succeeded in overcoming the difficulty so long complained of by gentlemen at the bar, who are desirous of _turning_ without discomposure; for proof whereof he refers by permission to the Solicitor General and the Chief Justice of Chester, who, for a long time, could not turn at all, but now revolve perfectly at ease.
*****
*****
[Illustration: 250]
WARREN'S BLACK-RAT BLACKING.
CHARLES WARREN, of CHESTER-PLACE, with the utmost diffidence, publicly announces his successful discovery. By the first application of his varnish to BOOTS, he saw his own face in them, with a Judge's wig on his head; and he assures his old friends, who he knows will take his word for it, that the reflection was so strong, it almost knocked him back. He earnestly desires their approbation, and solicits their favour in his new shop. He humbly begs they will support him as much as they can. His going round among strangers is insupportable to him, unless he can get a few of his former friends to accompany him.
*****
GOLDEN OINTMENT FOR THE EYES. This invaluable
Ointment enables the patient to see in the dark.
(CASE.)
DEAR SIR; "Keswick, Cumberland, 19th July, 1821.
"Your invaluable ointment being strongly recommended to me some years ago, I was induced to try a box. Its effects were astonishing!--I immediately looked two ways at once, and saw my way clear to the Laureateship. I have seen in the dark ever since! Without its powerful operation I could never have obtained the degree of LL.D. Please to send some in the usual way by _Van_, as I find it utterly impossible to live without it, and recommend it to all my relations.
"I am, dear Sir, your's,
"R. SOUTHEY, Esq. LL. D.
"Poet Laureate; Member of the Royal Spanish Academy; of the Royal Spanish Academy of History; of The Royal Institute of the Netherlands; of the Cymmodorion, &c. Author of Wat Tyler, Joan of Arc, Minor Poems."
==> Prepared in _Crown_ boxes, by Mr. GEORGE KING, No. 4, at the Toy-shop, Constitution-hill, near the bottom.
*****
LOST, THE BALANCE OF EUROPE, as privately adjusted, according to a pair of pocket scales, by the Marquess of, Londonderry; it was last seen on a piece of paper at Laybach. Please to bring it to the Foreign Office. {243}
[Illustration: 251]
THE MAGNIFICENT PYRAMID, erected by the wisdom, labour, property, and lives of our forefathers, has been completely REVERSED. Architects, well enough acquainted with the structure to undertake its RESTORATION, will be allowed any time they desire for a work of such vast magnitude, but it must be undertaken immediately, as it is shored up in its present INVERTED STATE at an immense annual expense, with frail materials. Testimonials of the greatest respectability for capacity and character, and security for completion of the task, without further injury to the ornament at the apex, will be required. Apply to the Board of Control.
*****
CONVULSIONS, &c.
A REAL BLESSING--THE AMERICAN SOOTHING
SYRUP, an infallible Remedy for CONVULSIONS, affording immediate ease in disorders of the Constitution, and healing multitudes in the most desponding condition....
Such are the virtues of this healing Balm for assuaging misery and anguish in the suffering, that innumerable impositions have been practised. It is, therefore, requisite to notice, that the genuine article has the word Liberty on the seal.--Prepared, as usual, by the assigns of Messrs. Franklin, Washington, and Co. from the original recipe, and may be had genuine in _America-square_.
If ever there was a blessing sent from Heaven for the relief of the suffering, the American Soothing Syrup claims the pre-eminence. The poor relieved gratis.
N. B. It has been discovered that the American Soothing Syrup is an infallible TEST FOR SOVEREIGNS. It in no way blemishes a good one, but discovers the baseness of a bad one immediately. {244}
*****
SCHOOLS FOR ALL.
USEFUL INSTRUCTION having hitherto been chiefly confined to the Productive Classes, and many in the Upper Ranks still remaining in a deplorable state of ignorance, it is intended to establish SCHOOLS FOR THE HIGHER ORDERS, in order that, by being equally well-informed with the rest of the community, the plea of ignorance may no longer be allowed as an excuse for want of knowledge in the duties of life. Further information may be had of the printer.
[Illustration: 252]
UNIVERSAL SAFETY LAMP.
"One unclouded blaze of living light."
THE COMBINATION AGAINST THIS LAMP renders it necessary to state some of its advantages. The best of the Common Parish Lamps, so universally complained of for their dulness, do little more than render darkness visible, and assist the perpetration of crime. If their forms are occasionally varied by lacquer and varnish, and rendered pleasing to the eye, their light is not improved in the smallest degree; and they require a multitude of hands to feed and trim them, at a most enormous expense; while THE "UNIVERSAL SAFETY" LAMP diffuses a brilliant and steady lustre, and a genial warmth equal to the solar beam. It eclipses every other brightness. The only inconvenience complained of by the nervous and fastidious is, that its flame sometimes rises during a storm, and emits a small portion of smoke, but this vapour ceases almost immediately after the agitation has subsided. _It is constructed on an unerring principle of Self-regulation; it cannot be extinguished by any power on earth, and will Last for Ever_. {245}
[Illustration: 253]
THE NEW INDIAN JUGGLER.
THIS CELEBRATED PERFORMER, whose early operations in Asia, and subsequent slight-of-hand in Europe, have rendered him notorious, will perform the first opportunity. If he has the consent of his landlady's friends, he will put the sword down her throat, and keep it there as long as he pleases--the like not exhibited in England. He will then set the balls a-flying like winged messengers. These tricks, with permission, he is ready to exhibit. Further particulars in future Advertisements.
*****
GENERAL ORDERS.
14th July, 1821.
IT is Ordered, that there be delivered to every private Soldier, now in his Majesty's Service, or who may be hereafter enlisted therein, a copy of the New Testament, with the 5th, 6th, and 7th chapters of Matthew cut out, and the Articles of War stitched in their place: and any Soldier who shall pawn or sell the said New Testament without first taking out the said Articles of War, and keeping them for his own use, shall suffer death.
*****
SERVICE CLUB.
Resolved, 14th July, 1821.
THAT an English Artisan is a scamp and a ragamuffin, until a profit has been had out of a red coat, which, when put on his back at the public expense, suddenly transforms him into the bravest and finest fellow in the world. E. PAULET.
*****
CORN PLAISTER.
*****
THIS SOOTHING ARTICLE being entirely exhausted, the Select Committee of the House of Commons, on Agricultural Distress, will be glad of the smallest quantity, that they may dispense it to the various sufferers throughout the country.
*****
WASTE PA PER and PARCHMENT, consisting of the Petitions for a REFORM in the Representation, to be sold in quantities--not less than a ton weight.
==> May be viewed, and particulars had, at the Parliament Coffee-House. {246}
[Illustration: 254]
THE TENTHS, or KING'S OWN. Persons willing to contract for the purpose of furnishing this active Legion with FORAGE, and supplying the Mess, may apply to the Barrack-Master-General, Lambeth.
*****
THE REV. S. PIGGOTT, A.M. Curate and Lecturer of St. James's, Clerkenwell, and St. Antholin's, Watling-street, WANTS A PLACE. He has written Prayers for Families, a Guide to the Altar, and an Example of Conversion by the Common Prayer Book; named the Queen the _German_ Helen; represented her with a lighted torch, reaching at the Bible and the Crown to destroy them; called her "Old Mother Red Cap;" hung her head up as a sign to a public-house, with a gross allusion to Bergami; said her infamy was fixed; and made her Majesty exclaim, that--
"Thrice she'd expire in Matthew's arms, Would but the hangman Matthew spare!"
Further particulars can be given by his Treasurer, Charles Bicknell, Esq. Solicitor to the Admiralty, 3, Spring-garden Terrace, on whom all demands on account of the Rev. S. Piggott's Loyal Association should be made; but all monies due or owing thereto, are requested to be paid immediately to the Rev. S. Piggott only.
==> More information respecting his clerical labours hereafter.
*****
WANTED TO GO ABROAD, a stout, active, stonehearted young man, of a serious turn, as an apprentice in the military business, and to assist as a missionary.
==> Apply at the Bishop and Bayonet, Westminster.
*****
A CAUTION.
A SLOW BUT SURE POISON, which gradually insinuates itself into the system, and will utterly destroy a human being, is now making frightful ravages. Its common name is CANT. Some _blacks_ deliver it in the lump, and a certain _lawyer_ has been seen to part with it in the form of globules. It is most subtle when laminated, and unfortunately is to be found in that state spread over a large portion of the community. NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN, that the effluvia from the infected is contagious.
N. B. The most certain symptom of the presence of the poison is, prostration of mind.
"Please to remember the _Grotto!_"
{247}
[Illustration: 255]
PRIESTIANITY.
As a grateful return to the Productive Classes of England, For bread, meat, beer, cellars of wines, rich furniture, luxurious equipages, princely palaces, clothing of purple and fine linen, and faring sumptuously every day, during the whole of their ecclesiastical lives, out of the people's labour, the following ten prelates have become members of the anti-social association in Bridge-street:--
The Bishop of Gloucester
-- Llandaff
-- Peterborough
The Bishop of Bangor
-- Carlisle
-- Chester
-- Durham
--Ely
St. David's York
*****
Dr. Maltus has received a Prize for his Essay on the Moral Restraint of War, the Blessings of Famine, the Advantages of Pestilence, the Comforts of Disease, and the Piety of Decease.
Bp. Tommy O'Linn has a Faculty for copying the newspapers into an original Life of Mr. Pitt.
Bp. Van Mill-dirt is collated to a Dinnery for telling which side his bread is buttered on in the dark.
*****
Published for the Benefit of the Clergy,
THE ART OF CONDUCTING WAR ON CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES.
Shortly will be published, for the Use of Schools,
*****
PRIESTIANITY and CHRISTIANITY COMPARED; or,
A Parallel between the Principles of Christianity and the Practice of Priestianity.
*****
EMPERIAL PALAVERMENT
HOUSE OF TOPS.--Whenstheday.
Ordered, That after the adjournment of the House to-day, strangers be accommodated with seats until the sitting of the House to-morrow.--Adjourned.
*****
HOUSE OF BOTTOMS.
Moved and Seconded, That the following words he stereotyped by the printer to the House, and sent to all the newspapers for the convenience of reporting the Manager's speeches, viz.
"He should not follow the hon. member into any of the various points of his extended speech, but content himself with moving an adjournment, resting fully satisfied upon the wisdom of the House for a proper decision of the question when it came regularly before them."--Agreed to without a division.--Adjourned.--
*****
Substance of the Bills for Restraining the Press.--Kneor Gagret, the pseudo ump alor al'Ainbassadereux, roseat ul purpe et Suheance du Balles au Pres,--Volumptuanuni et geordibus non et est ecclaribus tandem etpriorus au clericus pooribus, that is to say, Castigatus videm Literorumme-a'-Presserorumme-a'-Exposerumet vi al quid o'tobacce au sycophantussum hark! Contriorium, etc. etc.!!!
*****
Receipt to make an Attorney-General.--Take a _little_ man with an eye to his preferment. It is not necessary that he should be much of a lawyer, provided that he be a _Rat_. He must have docility sufficient to do any thing; and _if the period should arrive, when power can make rules and laws for the evident purpose of gratifying malignity_, he should be one who should be ready to advise or consent to _the creation of new cases, and be able to defend new remedies for them_, though they militate against every principle of reason, equity, and justice.--Rolliad, p. 433.
*****
[Advertisement.]--Real Brunswick Man sent (carriage free) from the Horse Guards to all parts of the Kingdom, at an hour's notice.
[Advertisement.]--We are authorized to contradict a report that Mr. Vansittart, in his Speech at the last Bible Society Meeting, endeavoured to induce the members to refrain from the purchase of shares and tickets in the ensuing Lottery.
[Advertisement.]--Connoisseurs in the Arts of Design will be gratified to hear, that an assemblage of the Old Masters in different states, will shortly be submitted to the hammer.
*****
PROMOTION.--The Press to be the Board of Confront.
BIRTH.
At the Den, in Bridge-street, John Reeves, esq. M.B.S.G. of a Ten Pound Note. It is not supposed he can recover.
MARRIAGE.
His Imperial Majesty Prince Despotism, in a consumption, to Her Supreme Antiquity, The Ignorance of Eighteen Centuries, in a decline. The bridal dresses were most superb.
DEATH.
His most Sacred Majesty Right Divine. His Legitimacy being declared illegitimate, he has no successor. He was the founder of the Oily Alliance and a sincere Priestian.
Printed by and for W. Hone, 43, Ludgate Hill, London. {249}
[Illustration: 257]
A POLITICAL CHRISTMAS CAROL,
TO BE CHAUNTED OR SUNG
THROUGHOUT THE UNITED KINGDOM AND THE DOMINIONS BEYOND THE SEAS,
BY ALL PERSONS THEREUNTO ESPECIALLY MOVED. {250}
[Illustration: 258]
THE CAROL.
To be Sung exactly as set.
He 'turn'd his back upon himself And straight to 'Lunnun' came, To two two-sided Lawyers With tidings of the same, That our own land must 'prostrate stand' Unless we praise his name-- For his practical' comfort and joy!
"Go fear not," said his L-p "Let nothing you affright; "Go draw your quills, and draw six Bills, "Put out yon blaze of light: "I'm able to advance you, "Go stamp it out then quite-- "And give me some 'features' of joy!"
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The Lawyers at those tidings Rejoiced much in mind, And left their friends a-staring To go and raise the wind, And straight went to the Taxing-men And said "the Bills come find-- "For 'fundamental' comfort and joy!
The Lawyers found majorities To do as they did say, They found them at their mangers Like oxen at their hay, Some lying, and some kneeling down, All to L--d C--h For his practical' comfort and joy!
With sudden joy and gladness Rat G--ff--d was beguiled, They each sat at his L-p's side, He patted them and smiled; Yet C--pi--y, on his nether end, Sat like a new born Child,-- But without either comfort or joy!
He thought upon his Father, His virtues and his fame, And how that father hoped from him For glory to his name, And as his chin dropp'd on his breast, His pale cheeks burn'd with shame:-- He'll never more know comfort or joy!
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Lord C----h cloth rule yon House, And all who there do reign; They've let us live this Christmas time--- D'ye think they will again? They say they are our masters-- That's neither here, nor there: God send us all a happy new year!
[Illustration: 260]
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[Illustration: 261]
THE DOCTOR
A PARODY WRITTEN BY THE RIGHT HONORABLE GEORGE CANNING, M. P.
Lord FOLKESTONE confessed that there Had been a smile on his countenance at one part of the right honorable gentleman (Mr. CANNING)'s speech, and it seemed to him very extraordinary, even after the reconciliation that had taken place, to hear the right honorable gentleman stand up for the talents of that poor "Doctor" (Lord SIDMOUTH), who has so long been the butt of his most bitter and unsparing ridicule (_loud laughter and shouts of hear, hear_). Whether in poetry or prose, the great object of his derision, and that for want of ability and sense, was the noble lord whom he (Mr. CANNING) had so strenuously defended that night; and now forsooth, he wondered that any person could object to confide unlimited power in the hands of a person, according to his own former opinions, so likely to be duped and misled (hear, hear). Yes, the house would remember the lines in which, at different times, the right honorable gentleman (Mr CANNING), had been pleased to panegyrize his (Mr. CANNING's) noble friend (Lord SIDMOUTH) of which the following were not the worst:--
"I showed myself prime Doctor to the country; My ends attain'd, my only aim has been To keep my place, and gild my humble name."--
(A laud laugh)
Yes, this was the view the right honorable gentleman had once drawn of his noble friend, who was then described by him thus:--
"My name's the Doctor; on the Berkshire hills," &c.
[See the Parody below for the remainder of Lord Folkestone's Quotation--For his Lordship's Speech, see Evans's Debates, 1817, p. 1568.]
My name's THE DOCTOR; on the Berkshire hills My father purged his patients--a wise man, Whose constant care was to increase his store, And keep his eldest son--myself--at home. But I had heard of Politics, and long'd To sit within the Commons' House, and get A place, and luck gave what my sire denied.
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Some thirteen years ago, or ere my fingers Had learn'd to mix a potion, or to bleed, _I flatterd Pitt: I cring'd, and sneak'd, and faun'd,_ And thus became the Speaker. I alone, With pompous gait, and peruke full of wisdom, Th' unruly members could control, or call The House to order.
Tir'd of the Chair, I sought a bolder flight, And, grasping at his power, I struck my friend, Who held that place which now I've made my own. Proud of my triumph, I disdain'd to court The patron hand which fed me--or to seem Grateful to him who rais'd me into notice.
And, when the King had call'd his Parliament With all my fam'ly crowding at my heels, My brothers, cousins, followers and my son, I show'd myself Prime Doctor to the country. _My ends attain'd my only aim has been To keep my place--and gild my humble name!_
[Illustration: 262]
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TO THE READER
THE AUTHOR OF THE POLITICAL HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT, perceiving the multitude of attempts at Imitation and Imposture, occasioned by the unparalleled sale of that Jeu d'Esprit, injustice to the public and to himself, respect-fully states, that, induced by nearly forty years of the most confidential intimacy with Mr. HONE, and by the warmest friendship and affection for him and his family, he originally selected him for his publisher exclusively; that he has not suffered, nor will he suffer, a line of his writing to pass into the hands of any other Bookseller; and that his last, end owing to imperative claims upon his pen of a higher order, possibly his very last production in that way, will be found in The MAN IN THE MOON.
*****
SALE EXTRAORDINARY
FREEHOLD PUBLIC HOUSES;
Divided into Lots for the convenience of Purchasers.
TO BE SOLD by Mr. HONE, at his House, No. 45, Ludgate Hill, THIS DAY, and following days until entirely disposed of,
AN EXTENSIVE UNENCUMBERED FREEHOLD PROPERTY, in separate Lots. Each comprising a Capital well-accustomed hustling Free Public House, most desirably situated, being thoroughly established in very heart of England, and called by the Name or Sign of "The House that Jack Built." Served Forty Thousand Customers in the course of Six Weeks. Draws the Choicest Spirits, and is not in the mixing or whine way.
The Feathers and Wellington Arms combining to injure this property by setting up Houses of Ill Fame, under the same sign, the Public are cautioned against them; they are easily known from the original House by their Customers being few in number, and of a description better understood than expressed.
The present is an undeniable opportunity to persons wishing to improve their affairs, or desirous of entering into the public line; there being no Fixtures and the Coming-in easy.
Immediate possession will be given in consideration of One Shilling of good and lawful money of the Realm, paid to any of the Booksellers of the United Kingdom.
May be viewed; and Particulars had as above.
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UNIVERSITY LITERATURE--With Thirteen Cats, price is.
THE FIFTY-SECOND EDITION OF THE POLITICAL HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT.
This Publication was entered at Stationers' Hall, and Copies were duly delivered, according to Act of Parliament, one being for the British Museum; yet it is held in such estimation by all ranks, from the mansion to the cottage, including men of high classical and literary attainment, that it is coveted by eminent and learned bodies for the purpose of being preserved and deposited in the other National Libraries, as appears by the following notice:--
(COPY.) London, Jan. 26, 1820.
Sir--I am authorised and requested to demand of you nine copies of the undermentioned Work--The Political House that Jack Built--for the use of the following Libraries and Universities:-- Bodleian; Cambridge; Sion College; Edinburgh; Advocates' Library, Edinburgh; Glasgow; Aberdeen; St. Andrew's; Trinity College, and the King's Inns, Dublin.
I am, Sir, your obedient servant,
GEORGE GREENHILL, Warehouse-keeper to the Company of Stationers.
To Mr. WM. HONE, Ludgate-hill.
This "authorized" and official "demand" on behalf of the Universities and Public Libraries, was immediately complied with; and to save those distinguished bodies the trouble of a similar application for "THE MAN IN THE MOON," copies of that work were also sent with the copies of the Political House that Jack Built, so demanded "for their use."
A SUPERIOR EDITION OF THE POLITICAL HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT, _is now published, printed on fine Vellum Drawing Paper, with the Cuts handsomely_ COLOURED, Price 3s.--The same Edition plain, Price 2s.
*****
Withdrawn from the Press,
A LETTER TO THE SOLICITOR GENERAL. By WILLIAM HONE.
Since the announcement of this Publication, the attack of the Solicitor-General upon the Juries of my Country has drawn down upon that Gentleman, within the walls of Parliament, such deserved animadversion as to render superfluous any interference on my part.
Two years have elapsed since I broke away from the toils; and it seems the escape of the destined victim is never to be forgiven! The cause of which the Solicitor-General is unexpectedly the gratuitous advocate, has taken appropriate refuge in the snug precincts of Gatton. There let it wither!
The verdicts of my Juries require no other vindication than a faithful recital of the grounds on which they were founded. From the period at which those verdicts were pronounced, and with a view to that vindication, I have been unremittingly employed in the collection and arrangement of rare and curious materials which the Solicitor-General's attack will induce me to extend to
A COMPLETE HISTORY OF PARODY.
This History I purpose to bring out, very speedily, _with extensive graphic illustrations,_ and I flatter myself it will answer the various purposes of satisfying the expectations of my numerous and respectable subscribers--of justifying my own motives in publishing the Parodies--of throwing a strong light upon the presumable motives of my prosecutors in singling me out from my Noble and Right Honorable Fellow Parodists--of holding up Trial by Jury to the increased love and veneration of the British People--and above all, of making every calumny upon the verdicts of three successive, honorable, and intelligent Juries recoil upon the slanderer, be he who he may, that dares to asperse them. W. HONE. Ludgate-Hill, March, 1820.
Printed by W. Hone, 45, Ludgate-Hill.
[Illustration: 266]
Till now I never understood the reason of the policy and prurience of the Spaniards in suffering the Inquisition among them; and certainly it will never be well with ax till something like the Spanish Inquisition be in England.'--Recorder of London at the Old Bailey
THE "DAMNABLE ASSOCIATION;" on, THE INTERNAL INQUISITION OF BLACK FRIARS
An Interior View of the DEN in Bridge Street, with the GANG at Work.