Part 3
CHARLOTTE. Hands off, Letitia. I feel the rage of simile upon me; I can't talk to you in any other way. My brother has a heart replete with the noblest sentiments, but then, it is like--it is like--Oh! you provoking girl, you have deranged all my ideas--it is like--Oh! I have it--his heart is like an old maiden lady's band-box; it contains many costly things, arranged with the most scrupulous nicety, yet the misfortune is that they are too delicate, costly, and antiquated for common use.
LETITIA. By what I can pick out of your flowery description, your brother is no beau.
CHARLOTTE. No, indeed; he makes no pretension to the character. He'd ride, or rather fly, an hundred miles to relieve a distressed object, or to do a gallant act in the service of his country; but, should you drop your fan or bouquet in his presence, it is ten to one that some beau at the farther end of the room would have the honour of presenting it to you before he had observed that it fell. I'll tell you one of his antiquated, anti-gallant notions. He said once in my presence, in a room full of company,--would you believe it?--in a large circle of ladies, that the best evidence a gentleman could give a young lady of his respect and affection was to endeavour in a friendly manner to rectify her foibles. I protest I was crimson to the eyes, upon reflecting that I was known as his sister.
LETITIA. Insupportable creature! tell a lady of her faults! If he is so grave, I fear I have no chance of captivating him.
CHARLOTTE. [His conversation is like a rich, old-fashioned brocade,--it will stand alone; every sentence is a sentiment. Now you may judge what a time I had with him, in my twelve months' visit to my father. He read me such lectures, out of pure brotherly affection, against the extremes of fashion, dress, flirting, and coquetry, and all the other dear things which he knows I dote upon, that I protest his conversation made me as melancholy as if I had been at church; and, heaven knows, though I never prayed to go there but on one occasion, yet I would have exchanged his conversation for a psalm and a sermon. Church is rather melancholy, to be sure; but then I can ogle the beaux, and be regaled with "here endeth the first lesson," but his brotherly _here_, you would think had no end.] You captivate him! Why, my dear, he would as soon fall in love with a box of Italian flowers. There is Maria, now, if she were not engaged, she might do something. Oh! how I should like to see that pair of pensorosos together, looking as grave as two sailors' wives of a stormy night, with a flow of sentiment meandering through their conversation like purling streams in modern poetry.
LETITIA. Oh! my dear fanciful--
CHARLOTTE. Hush! I hear some person coming through the entry.
_Enter SERVANT._
SERVANT. Madam, there's a gentleman below who calls himself Colonel Manly; do you choose to be at home?
CHARLOTTE. Shew him in. [_Exit SERVANT._] Now for a sober face.
_Enter COLONEL MANLY._
MANLY. My dear Charlotte, I am happy that I once more enfold you within the arms of fraternal affection. I know you are going to ask (amiable impatience!) how our parents do,--the venerable pair transmit you their blessing by me--they totter on the verge of a well-spent life, and wish only to see their children settled in the world, to depart in peace.
CHARLOTTE. I am very happy to hear that they are well. [_Coolly._] Brother, will you give me leave to introduce you to our uncle's ward, one of my most intimate friends?
MANLY [_Saluting LETITIA._]. I ought to regard your friends as my own.
CHARLOTTE. Come, Letitia, do give us a little dash of your vivacity; my brother is so sentimental and so grave, that I protest he'll give us the vapours.
MANLY. Though sentiment and gravity, I know, are banished the polite world, yet I hoped they might find some countenance in the meeting of such near connections as brother and sister.
CHARLOTTE. Positively, brother, if you go one step further in this strain, you will set me crying, and that, you know, would spoil my eyes; and then I should never get the husband which our good papa and mamma have so kindly wished me--never be established in the world.
MANLY. Forgive me, my sister,--I am no enemy to mirth; I love your sprightliness; and I hope it will one day enliven the hours of some worthy man; but when I mention the respectable authors of my existence,--the cherishers and protectors of my helpless infancy, whose hearts glow with such fondness and attachment that they would willingly lay down their lives for my welfare,--you will excuse me if I am so unfashionable as to speak of them with some degree of respect and reverence.
CHARLOTTE. Well, well, brother; if you won't be gay, we'll not differ; I will be as grave as you wish. [_Affects gravity._] And so, brother, you have come to the city to exchange some of your commutation notes for a little pleasure.
MANLY. Indeed you are mistaken; my errand is not of amusement, but business; and as I neither drink nor game, my expences will be so trivial, I shall have no occasion to sell my notes.
CHARLOTTE. Then you won't have occasion to do a very good thing. Why, here was the Vermont General--he came down some time since, sold all his musty notes at one stroke, and then laid the cash out in trinkets for his dear Fanny. I want a dozen pretty things myself; have you got the notes with you?
MANLY. I shall be ever willing to contribute, as far as it is in my power, to adorn or in any way to please my sister; yet I hope I shall never be obliged for this to sell my notes. I may be romantic, but I preserve them as a sacred deposit. Their full amount is justly due to me, but as embarrassments, the natural consequences of a long war, disable my country from supporting its credit, I shall wait with patience until it is rich enough to discharge them. If that is not in my day, they shall be transmitted as an honourable certificate to posterity, that I have humbly imitated our illustrious WASHINGTON, in having exposed my health and life in the service of my country, without reaping any other reward than the glory of conquering in so arduous a contest.
CHARLOTTE. Well said heroics. Why, my dear Henry, you have such a lofty way of saying things, that I protest I almost tremble at the thought of introducing you to the polite circles in the city. The belles would think you were a player run mad, with your head filled with old scraps of tragedy; and, as to the beaux, they might admire, because they would not understand you. But, however, I must, I believe, venture to introduce you to two or three ladies of my acquaintance.
LETITIA. And that will make him acquainted with thirty or forty beaux.
CHARLOTTE. Oh! brother, you don't know what a fund of happiness you have in store.
MANLY. I fear, sister, I have not refinement sufficient to enjoy it.
CHARLOTTE. Oh! you cannot fail being pleased.
LETITIA. Our ladies are so delicate and dressy.
CHARLOTTE. And our beaux so dressy and delicate.
LETITIA. Our ladies chat and flirt so agreeably.
CHARLOTTE. And our beaux simper and bow so gracefully.
LETITIA. With their hair so trim and neat.
CHARLOTTE. And their faces so soft and sleek.
LETITIA. Their buckles so tonish and bright.
CHARLOTTE. And their hands so slender and white.
LETITIA. I vow, Charlotte, we are quite poetical.
CHARLOTTE. And then, brother, the faces of the beaux are of such a lily-white hue! None of that horrid robustness of constitution, that vulgar corn-fed glow of health, which can only serve to alarm an unmarried lady with apprehensions, and prove a melancholy memento to a married one, that she can never hope for the happiness of being a widow. I will say this to the credit of our city beaux, that such is the delicacy of their complexion, dress, and address, that, even had I no reliance upon the honour of the dear Adonises, I would trust myself in any possible situation with them, without the least apprehensions of rudeness.
MANLY. Sister Charlotte!
CHARLOTTE. Now, now, now, brother [_Interrupting him._], now don't go to spoil my mirth with a dash of your gravity, I am so glad to see you, I am in tiptop spirits. Oh! that you could be with us at a little snug party. There is Billy Simper, Jack Chaffé, and Colonel Van Titter, Miss Promonade, and the two Miss Tambours, sometimes make a party, with some other ladies, in a side-box, at the play. Everything is conducted with such decorum,--first we bow round to the company in general, then to each one in particular, then we have so many inquiries after each other's health, and we are so happy to meet each other, and it is so many ages since we last had that pleasure, [and if a married lady is in company, we have such a sweet dissertation upon her son Bobby's chin-cough;] then the curtain rises, then our sensibility is all awake, and then, by the mere force of apprehension, we torture some harmless expression into a double meaning, which the poor author never dreamt of, and then we have recourse to our fans, and then we blush, and then the gentlemen jog one another, peep under the fan, and make the prettiest remarks; and then we giggle and they simper, and they giggle and we simper, and then the curtain drops, and then for nuts and oranges, and then we bow, and it's Pray, ma'am, take it, and Pray, sir, keep it, and, Oh! not for the world, sir; and then the curtain rises again, and then we blush and giggle and simper and bow all over again. Oh! the sentimental charms of a side-box conversation! [_All laugh._]
MANLY. Well, sister, I join heartily with you in the laugh; for, in my opinion, it is as justifiable to laugh at folly as it is reprehensible to ridicule misfortune.
CHARLOTTE. Well, but, brother, positively I can't introduce you in these clothes: why, your coat looks as if it were calculated for the vulgar purpose of keeping yourself comfortable.
MANLY. This coat was my regimental coat in the late war. The public tumults of our state have induced me to buckle on the sword in support of that government which I once fought to establish. I can only say, sister, that there was a time when this coat was respectable, and some people even thought that those men who had endured so many winter campaigns in the service of their country, without bread, clothing, or pay, at least deserved that the poverty of their appearance should not be ridiculed.
CHARLOTTE. We agree in opinion entirely, brother, though it would not have done for me to have said it: it is the coat makes the man respectable. In the time of the war, when we were almost frightened to death, why, your coat was respectable, that is, fashionable; now another kind of coat is fashionable, that is, respectable. And, pray, direct the tailor to make yours the height of the fashion.
MANLY. Though it is of little consequence to me of what shape my coat is, yet, as to the height of the fashion, there you will please to excuse me, sister. You know my sentiments on that subject. I have often lamented the advantage which the French have over us in that particular. In Paris, the fashions have their dawnings, their routine, and declensions, and depend as much upon the caprice of the day as in other countries; but there every lady assumes a right to deviate from the general _ton_ as far as will be of advantage to her own appearance. In America, the cry is, What is the fashion? and we follow it indiscriminately, because it is so.
CHARLOTTE. Therefore it is, that when large hoops are in fashion, we often see many a plump girl lost in the immensity of a hoop-petticoat, whose want of height and _en-bon-point_ would never have been remarked in any other dress. When the high head-dress is the mode, how then do we see a lofty cushion, with a profusion of gauze, feathers, and ribband, supported by a face no bigger than an apple; whilst a broad, full-faced lady, who really would have appeared tolerably handsome in a large head-dress, looks with her smart chapeau as masculine as a soldier.
MANLY. But remember, my dear sister, and I wish all my fair countrywomen would recollect, that the only excuse a young lady can have for going extravagantly into a fashion is because it makes her look extravagantly handsome.--Ladies, I must wish you a good morning.
CHARLOTTE. But, brother, you are going to make home with us.
MANLY. Indeed I cannot. I have seen my uncle and explained that matter.
CHARLOTTE. Come and dine with us, then. We have a family dinner about half-past four o'clock.
MANLY. I am engaged to dine with the Spanish ambassador. I was introduced to him by an old brother officer; and instead of freezing me with a cold card of compliment to dine with him ten days hence, he, with the true old Castilian frankness, in a friendly manner, asked me to dine with him to-day--an honour I could not refuse. Sister, adieu--madam, your most obedient--
[_Exit._
CHARLOTTE. I will wait upon you to the door, brother; I have something
## particular to say to you.
[_Exit._
LETITIA [_alone_]. What a pair!--She the pink of flirtation, he the essence of everything that is _outré_ and gloomy.--I think I have completely deceived Charlotte by my manner of speaking of Mr. Dimple; she's too much the friend of Maria to be confided in. He is certainly rendering himself disagreeable to Maria, in order to break with her and proffer his hand to me. This is what the delicate fellow hinted in our last conversation.
[_Exit._
## SCENE II. _The Mall._
_Enter JESSAMY._
Positively this Mall is a very pretty place. I hope the cits won't ruin it by repairs. To be sure, it won't do to speak of in the same day with Ranelagh or Vauxhall; however, it's a fine place for a young fellow to display his person to advantage. Indeed, nothing is lost here; the girls have taste, and I am very happy to find they have adopted the elegant London fashion of looking back, after a genteel fellow like me has passed them.--Ah! who comes here? This, by his awkwardness, must be the Yankee colonel's servant. I'll accost him.
_Enter JONATHAN._
JESSAMY. _Votre très-humble serviteur, Monsieur._ I understand Colonel Manly, the Yankee officer, has the honour of your services.
JONATHAN. Sir!--
JESSAMY. I say, sir, I understand that Colonel Manly has the honour of having you for a servant.
JONATHAN. Servant! Sir, do you take me for a neger,--I am Colonel Manly's waiter.
JESSAMY. A true Yankee distinction, egad, without a difference. Why, sir, do you not perform all the offices of a servant? do you not even blacken his boots?
JONATHAN. Yes; I do grease them a bit sometimes; but I am a true blue son of liberty, for all that. Father said I should come as Colonel Manly's waiter, to see the world, and all that: but no man shall master me: my father has as good a farm as the Colonel.
JESSAMY. Well, sir, we will not quarrel about terms upon the eve of an acquaintance from which I promise myself so much satisfaction;--therefore, _sans cérémonie_--
JONATHAN. What?--
JESSAMY. I say I am extremely happy to see Colonel Manly's waiter.
JONATHAN. Well, and I vow, too, I am pretty considerably glad to see you; but what the dogs need of all this outlandish lingo? Who may you be, sir, if I may be so bold?
JESSAMY. I have the honour to be Mr. Dimple's servant, or, if you please, waiter. We lodge under the same roof, and should be glad of the honour of your acquaintance.
JONATHAN. You a waiter! by the living jingo, you look so topping, I took you for one of the agents to Congress.
JESSAMY. The brute has discernment, notwithstanding his appearance.--Give me leave to say I wonder then at your familiarity.
JONATHAN. Why, as to the matter of that, Mr.----; pray, what's your name?
JESSAMY. Jessamy, at your service.
JONATHAN. Why, I swear we don't make any great matter of distinction in our state between quality and other folks.
JESSAMY. This is, indeed, a levelling principle.--I hope, Mr. Jonathan, you have not taken part with the insurgents.
JONATHAN. Why, since General Shays has sneaked off and given us the bag to hold, I don't care to give my opinion; but you'll promise not to tell--put your ear this way--you won't tell?--I vow I did think the sturgeons were right.
JESSAMY. I thought, Mr. Jonathan, you Massachusetts-men always argued with a gun in your hand. Why didn't you join them?
JONATHAN. Why, the Colonel is one of those folks called the Shin--Shin--dang it all, I can't speak them _lignum vitæ_ words--you know who I mean--there is a company of them--they wear a China goose at their button-hole--a kind of gilt thing.--Now the Colonel told father and brother,--you must know there are, let me see--there is Elnathan, Silas, and Barnabas, Tabitha--no, no, she's a she--tarnation, now I have it--there's Elnathan, Silas, Barnabas, Jonathan, that's I--seven of us, six went into the wars, and I stayed at home to take care of mother. Colonel said that it was a burning shame for the true blue Bunker-Hill sons of liberty, who had fought Governor Hutchinson, Lord North, and the Devil, to have any hand in kicking up a cursed dust against a government which we had, every mother's son of us, a hand in making.
JESSAMY. Bravo!--Well, have you been abroad in the city since your arrival? What have you seen that is curious and entertaining?
JONATHAN. Oh! I have seen a power of fine sights. I went to see two marble-stone men and a leaden horse that stands out in doors in all weathers; and when I came where they was, one had got no head, and t' other wer'n't there. They said as how the leaden man was a damn'd tory, and that he took wit in his anger and rode off in the time of the troubles.
JESSAMY. But this was not the end of your excursion.
JONATHAN. Oh, no; I went to a place they call Holy Ground. Now I counted this was a place where folks go to meeting; so I put my hymn-book in my pocket, and walked softly and grave as a minister; and when I came there, the dogs a bit of a meeting-house could I see. At last I spied a young gentlewoman standing by one of the seats which they have here at the doors. I took her to be the deacon's daughter, and she looked so kind, and so obliging, that I thought I would go and ask her the way to lecture, and--would you think it?--she called me dear, and sweeting, and honey, just as if we were married: by the living jingo, I had a month's mind to buss her.
JESSAMY. Well, but how did it end?
JONATHAN. Why, as I was standing talking with her, a parcel of sailor men and boys got round me, the snarl-headed curs fell a-kicking and cursing of me at such a tarnal rate, that I vow I was glad to take to my heels and split home, right off, tail on end, like a stream of chalk.
JESSAMY. Why, my dear friend, you are not acquainted with the city; that girl you saw was a--[_Whispers._]
JONATHAN. Mercy on my soul! was that young woman a harlot!--Well! if this is New-York Holy Ground, what must the Holy-day Ground be!
JESSAMY. Well, you should not judge of the city too rashly. We have a number of elegant fine girls here that make a man's leisure hours pass very agreeably. I would esteem it an honour to announce you to some of them.--Gad! that announce is a select word; I wonder where I picked it up.
JONATHAN. I don't want to know them.
JESSAMY. Come, come, my dear friend, I see that I must assume the honour of being the director of your amusements. Nature has given us passions, and youth and opportunity stimu late to gratify them. It is no shame, my dear Blueskin, for a man to amuse himself with a little gallantry.
JONATHAN. Girl huntry! I don't altogether understand. I never played at that game. I know how to play hunt the squirrel, but I can't play anything with the girls; I am as good as married.
JESSAMY. Vulgar, horrid brute! Married, and above a hundred miles from his wife, and think that an objection to his making love to every woman he meets! He never can have read, no, he never can have been in a room with a volume of the divine Chesterfield.--So you are married?
JONATHAN. No, I don't say so; I said I was as good as married, a kind of promise.
JESSAMY. As good as married!--
JONATHAN. Why, yes; there's Tabitha Wymen, the deacon's daughter, at home; she and I have been courting a great while, and folks say as how we are to be married; and so I broke a piece of money with her when we parted, and she promised not to spark it with Solomon Dyer while I am gone. You wou'dn't have me false to my true-love, would you?
JESSAMY. Maybe you have another reason for constancy; possibly the young lady has a fortune? Ha! Mr. Jonathan, the solid charms: the chains of love are never so binding as when the links are made of gold.
JONATHAN. Why, as to fortune, I must needs say her father is pretty dumb rich; he went representative for our town last year. He will give her--let me see--four times seven is--seven times four--nought and carry one,--he will give her twenty acres of land--somewhat rocky though--a Bible, and a cow.
JESSAMY. Twenty acres of rock, a Bible, and a cow! Why, my dear Mr. Jonathan, we have servant-maids, or, as you would more elegantly express it, waitresses, in this city, who collect more in one year from their mistresses' cast clothes.
JONATHAN. You don't say so!--
JESSAMY. Yes, and I'll introduce you to one of them. There is a little lump of flesh and delicacy that lives at next door, waitress to Miss Maria; we often see her on the stoop.
JONATHAN. But are you sure she would be courted by me?
JESSAMY. Never doubt it; remember a faint heart never--blisters on my tongue--I was going to be guilty of a vile proverb; flat against the authority of Chesterfield. I say there can be no doubt that the brilliancy of your merit will secure you a favourable reception.
JONATHAN. Well, but what must I say to her?
JESSAMY. Say to her! why, my dear friend, though I admire your profound knowledge on every other subject, yet, you will pardon my saying that your want of opportunity has made the female heart escape the poignancy of your penetration. Say to her! Why, when a man goes a-courting, and hopes for success, he must begin with doing, and not saying.
JONATHAN. Well, what must I do?
JESSAMY. Why, when you are introduced you must make five or six elegant bows.