Part 2

Dear Brown and Jones and Robinson and many thousands more, Now spending dismal holidays on some dank sea-girt shore, You, who affect to pity those compelled in town to stay, Should rather envy us, because we cannot get away.

While you are hiring tiny rooms at many pounds a week, And huddle there and watch parades that run with rain, and reek, Contrast my cheerful aspect with your discontented looks, As here I stay at ease among my pictures and my books.

Here in the trains the traveller can now find ample space, Enjoying elbow-room without a struggle for a place: The choicest dishes are not "off" at half-past one to lunch, And no one spoils our appetite with--"After you with _Punch_!"

The dainty shops of Regent Street teem with their treasures still, The Park with all its beauties we can now enjoy at will; No longer do the jostling crowds provoke an angry frown, But leisurely we relish the amenities of town.

Thus basking in the keen delights that empty London owns (Though from my heart I pity you--Brown, Robinson and Jones), So long as you may care to stay, and business is slack, I cannot honestly declare I long to see you back.

* * * * *

[Illustration: TRIPPERS

_Tommy_ (_his first visit_). "Will it be like this all d-d-d-day daddy?"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Billiard Enthusiast_ (_having mistaken his room at the hotel, holding on to knobs of bed_). "Which do you prefer, sir? Spot or plain?"]

* * * * *

When the chairman of a railway company speaks of "the diversion of traffic," may it be understood that "pleasure trips and excursions" are covered by this expression?

* * * * *

[Illustration: ENGLAND AND GERMANY

_British Nimrod_ (_who has shot tigers in India, and lions in South Africa_). "The fact is, Herr Muller, that I don't care much for sport unless it contains the element of danger."

_German Nimrod._ "Ach zo? you are vont of _taincher_? Den you should gom ant shood mit _me_! Vy, only de oder tay I shoodet my broder-in-law in de shdomag!"]

* * * * *

CUTTING A NEW ACQUAINTANCE.--_Major Longi'th'Bow._ I met a Brahmin once with "John Smith, London," carved on his back. You see he was standing motionless in one of those pious trances which nothing is allowed to interrupt. In this state he was found by a cheap-tripper, who took him for a statue and cut his name as usual.

* * * * *

AT FLORENCE.--_First Tourist._ Hullo! Barkins, what brought you here?

_Second Tourist_ (_facetiously_). The railway, of course. And you?

_First Tourist_ (_getting mixed, but thinking he has his friend_). My wife's wish to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa!

* * * * *

SUITABLE SPOTS.--_Gainsborough_--for greedy tradesmen; _Gnosall_--for wiseacres; _Gravesend_--for sextons; _Great Barr_--for constant topers; _Grind-on_--for crammers; _Halt-whistle_--for football umpires; _Hastings_--for wasps; _Hawkshead_--for falconers; _Honi-ton_--for busy bees; _Hoot-on_--for owls.

* * * * *

CRY OF THE TRAVELLING SMOKER.--_En_ briar root!

* * * * *

[Illustration: SNUB FOR A SNOB

_English Tourist._ "Aw--that buttermilk was very nice, my dear. What payment do you expect for it?"

_Cottage Girl._ "We wouldn't be after asking any payment. Sure we _give_ it to the pigs!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: MISPLACED SYMPATHY

(_The "Boots" at the Shadow of Death Hotel, in the back block of Australia, on seeing a pair of boot-trees for the first time._)

"I say, Billy, that poor bloke in the bed-room must 'ave ad a terrible accident. He's got two wooden feet!"]

* * * * *

_Mrs. Tripper_ (_examining official notice on the walls of Boulogne_). What's that mean, Tripper, "Pas de Calais"?

_Tripper_ (_who is proud of his superior acquaintance with a foreign language_). It means--"Nothing to do with Calais," my dear. These rival ports are dreadfully jealous of one another.

* * * * *

[Illustration: WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS, &c.

_Jones._ "I say, what's the exact meaning of 'voila'?"

_Brown._ "Well, I should translate it as 'behold,' or 'there you are,' or something like that."

_Jones._ "Confound it! I've been using it for the last month and thinking I've been swearing in French!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: BASHAN, NEAR BARMOUTH

The worst of Wales is, the wild beasts are so numerous and inquisitive.]

* * * * *

[Illustration: GEOLOGY.--_Scientific Pedestrian._ "Do you find any fossils here?"

_Excavator._ "Dunno what you calls 'vossuls.' We finds nowt here but muck and 'ard work!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: MUSIC ON THE WATERS.--_Parker._ "Beg pardon, my lady, but the band can't play the selection your ladyship asked for."

_Her Ladyship_ (_astonished_). "But it's in their programme!"

_Parker._ "Yes, my lady, but they can't play it till we get into still water, and _then they'll try_!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE COMFORTER.--"I say, old man, I've just been down in the saloon, and they give you the finest half-crown lunch I've ever struck!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A MOOT POINT.--_Mrs. Brown_ (_on her honeymoon_). "Oh, aren't you glad, darling, we have come this delightful tour, instead of going to one of those stupid foreign places?"

[_Darling is not quite sure about it, as the hills are of terrible frequency, and, naturally, he tows his bride up every one._

]

* * * * *

[Illustration: BAD HABITS GROW APACE.--_Traveller_ (_whose train is due_). "Look here, I'm going to get out and walk. That brute will make me miss my train!"

_Jarvey._ "Kape still, surr. For the love av' Moses, kape still. Sure an' if the ould blayguard bates us, I'll niver get him up to the station no more!"]

* * * * *

THE TRAVELLERS TRICKED

(_An a propos Duologue_)

_She_ (_with resolution_). Charlie, I want to ask your pardon. I have made a mistake.

_He._ Yes, dear; which of them?

_She._ You shall not put me out by sneering. Yes, I have made a mistake; and when I make a mistake, I do not fail to acknowledge it.

_He._ Quite right, dear. Nothing like having a congenial occupation.

_She._ Charlie, we came back to town prematurely.

_He._ Yes, dear; we certainly curtailed our stay in Paris a little to allow of your purchasing that pretty bonnet.

_She._ It cost a lot of money, Charlie.

_He._ It did, dear; but I did not grudge it, as you and the shop girl said it was of the first mode and the greatest novelty in Paris.

_She._ Yes, Charlie; and I believed her.

_He._ Well, I am sure that the three or four days we cut off were well worth it, to buy the bonnet.

_She._ How good, how noble of you to say so!

_He._ Not at all; I was really glad to get back to the club. And you have your bonnet--a real genuine French bonnet! And the most Parisian shape imaginable.

_She_ (_with an effort_). The shape is not Parisian.

_He._ Not Parisian! Where does it come from?

_She._ I see from a ticket in the lining it was made in the Edgware Road.

[_Tears and curtain._

* * * * *

AT WINDSOR.--_American Traveller_ (_to Waiter at the "Blue Stag"_). Say, is it true that you've got a real live ghost here?

_Waiter._ Yessir. Believed to be either Cardinal Garnet Wolseley, 'Erne the 'Untsman, Queen Elizabeth, or the late King of the Belgiums.

_American Traveller._ Thanks. Send for the local reporter, if off duty in any one capacity.

* * * * *

SUITABLE SPOTS.--_Ware-ham_--for abstainers from pork; _Whits-table_--for facetious gourmets; _Wig-more_--for bald men; _Wig-ton_--for perruquiers; _Winfarthing_--for small gamblers; _Wo-burn_--for firemen.

* * * * *

[Illustration: NOSE IN EGITTO; OR, AUTOMOBILITY IN THE LAND OF THE SPHINX.

"One touch of _Punch_ makes the whole world kin."]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A QUESTION OF PROPORTION.--_Colonel Peppercorn_ (_who is touring in France with a hired chauffeur and car, which has broken down_). "Confound it all, you say it's nothing? Then why don't you repair it?"

_Alphonse Legros._ "Mais, monsieur, pas possible, he break below! I cannot arrive there! He is only quinze centimetres from ze ground; but me--voila--I have one metre round ze chest!"]

* * * * *

THE SKELETON TOURIST'S VADE MECUM

_Question._ What is your object this year?

_Answer._ To follow the precedent of former Summers, and get over as much ground as possible.

_Q._ How do you manage this?

_A._ With the assistance of a ticket guaranteed to make distance a greater consideration than scenery.

_Q._ Is it necessary to examine the places _en route_ with much careful consideration?

_A._ Certainly not, as the Guide-book of the place visited will supply the compulsory omissions.

_Q._ What are compulsory omissions?

_A._ Objects of interest left out for want of time to give them an inspection.

_Q._ How long would you give St. Peter's at Rome?

_A._ A quarter of an hour, and the Colosseum at the same place ten minutes.

_Q._ Could you not spare more time than this from your holiday?

_A._ No; for luncheon and dinner have to be taken into consideration in the touring table.

_Q._ What object of interest would you examine in the Land of the Midnight Sun?

_A._ The sun at midnight, if it happened to be shining.

_Q._ And if you visited the Rhine by the railway, what object of interest would chiefly attract your attention?

_A._ The interior of the compartment in which you happened to be travelling.

_Q._ What advantage would you derive from your tour?

_A._ The satisfaction of explaining to non-tourists where you had been rather than what you had seen.

_Q._ Do you consider that your mind would derive much benefit from your rapid locomotion?

_A._ Not much, nor my body either.

_Q._ But I presume your outing would justify the title of this Vade Mecum?

_A._ Most certainly; because, by the end of your journey, you might accurately describe your condition as one who had been reduced to a skeleton.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Nervous Tourist._ "Stop, driver, stop! There's something wrong! I am sure a wheel's coming off!"

_Driver._ "Arrah, be aisy then, yer honour. Sure, it's the same one's been comin' off thin these three days back!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: (_Sketched on the pier just after the arrival of the boat._)

_'Arry_ (_viewing stormy sea in a mutoscope_). "My eye, Maria, come an' 'ave a look 'ere. The motion of the waives is simply grand!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A CONTINENTAL TRIP.--_First Man_ (_tasting beer_). "Hullo! I ordered lager. This isn't lager!"

_Second Man_ (_tasting_). "No; but it's jolly good, all the same!"

_Third Man_ (_tasting_). "C'est magnifique! mais ce n'est pas lager-r-r!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: ON THE GRAND TOUR.--Scene--_Staircase of the Palazzo Bianco._--(_Enter the Joneses of London._) _Chorus of Maidens._ "O, ma, dear! O, papa! do look! _Isn't_ this charming? _Isn't_ it delightful? Only fancy--the _Bragginton Smiths_ were here last month!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE FAULT OF THE FOWL

SCENE--_Coffee-Room, Hotel, Guernsey._

_Visitor_ (_gazing at a guinea-fowl's egg_). "Waiter! Can you tell me what egg this is?"

_Waiter._ "Oh, sir, it's a Guernsey egg. They sometimes lays them like that. It's not done in the boiling!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: CORRECTED.--_Lady Tourist_ (_doing the cathedrals of Scotland_). "This is _Gothic_, isn't it, John?"

_Juvenile Vendor of "Guides"_ (_severely_). "No, mem, _this is Presbyterian_."]

* * * * *

At HOMBURG-V.-D.-H.--_Colonel Twister_ (_in the hotel smoking-room_). Yes! I once played a game of pool at Senecarabad, holding the cue in my teeth, and captured all the loot!

_Captain Longbow._ Pooh! That's nothing! About a month ago I matched myself at shell-out against Fred Fandango, and clutching the cue between my toes, walked in lying on my back!

_Colonel Twister_ (_taken unawares_). But how the deuce did you manage to see the table?

_Captain Longbow._ See the table? Why, had the cloth lighted with Roentgen rays, of course! Saw through the slate!

[_The Colonel abruptly says "Good Night" to the company, and leaves for Schlangenbad next morning._

* * * * *

FORCE OF HABIT.--Recently two bankers met abroad. They at once began to compare notes.

* * * * *

NEW NAME FOR SEA-SICKNESS.--_Mal de Little Mary._

* * * * *

MRS. RAMSBOTHAM wants to know whether the inhabitants of the Fiji Islands are called the Fijits.

* * * * *

[Illustration: YOUNG AUSTRALIA

SCENE--_Highland Gathering in the Antipodes._

"Well, my little man, so you're Scotch, eh?"

"Nae, nae, a'am nae Scotch, but ma pairents is."]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A SENSATIONAL DRAMA IN THREE ACTS AND FIVE TABLEAUX.

(_Showing how he got in for it and how he came out of it rather the worse for "wear"._)

MR. JOGGLES HAVING CAREFULLY SELECTED A RETIRED SPOT DEPOSITED HIS CLOTHES IN A CAVE SEES A LITTLE WAY BELOW HIM A SPARKLING POOL FED BY A TORRENT FROM ABOVE--A NATURAL SHOWER BATH, INTO WHICH HE WILL JOYFULLY DESCEND.

THIS IS WHAT HE EXPECTED BEFORE TAKING A DIP.

BUT A PICNIC PARTY HAVING TERMINATED THEIR LUNCHEON, UNWITTINGLY REARRANGE MATTERS.

MR. JOGGLES IS COMPELLED TO REMAIN OVER HIS USUAL TIME IN HIS BATH.

IN THE MEANTIME THE GOATS HAVE BEEN BUSY WITH HIS CLOTHES.]

* * * * *

FOR A CHANGE

Fagged and jaded, Daphne mine, For our annual change I pine. Once again the problem's here, Whither we shall go this year. Let who will seek lake or moor, "_Bad_" or hydro, spa or "_kur_," Switzerland and Germany Have no charms for you and me. There while restless tourists haste, "Good old Margate" suits our taste. On its old familiar ground We will make the usual round. Meet Smith, Robinson and Brown, Whom we daily see in town; Hear the niggers or the bands On the pier, the fort, the sands; Revel in each well-known joy, Then, when these enchantments cloy, And for change again we yearn, Why, then, Daphne, we'll return.

* * * * *

THE number of stowaways who secrete themselves in big vessels is becoming a growing evil. A Norwegian barquantine reached Plymouth on Friday with an entire cargo of hides.

* * * * *

A VERY REVOLTING PLACE.--Brazil.

* * * * *

[Illustration: French Tourist, on a visit to London for the first time, makes a note in his pocket-book of the name of the street in which his hotel is situated.]

* * * * *

A BERLIN.--Although Berlin is "on the Spree," its cheerfulness is considerably discounted by "the Oder" in its vicinity.

* * * * *

[Illustration: "JOINT OCCUPATION"

(_Suggested by Cook's Tourist in Egypt._)]

* * * * *

OVERHEARD AT CHAMONIX.--_Stout British Matron_ (_in a broad British accent, to a slim diligence driver_). Etes-vous la diligence?

_Driver._ Non, madame, mais j'en suis le cocher.

_Matron_ (_with conviction_). C'est la meme chose; gardez pour moi trois places dans votre interieur demain.

* * * * *

[Illustration: PHILLIPOPOLIS

_Toper Major_ (_over their third bottle of a Grand Vin_). "I shay, ol' f'ler, neksh year thinksh'll go see ex'bishun at Ph-Phipp at Philup-popple----"

_Toper Minor._ "I know, ol' f'ler. You mean Philipoppoppo--poppo----"

_Toper Major._ "Thatsh it--shame place. Have 'nother bo'l!"

[_They drink._

]

* * * * *

NOT SO PRETTY IN ENGLISH

(_Three Friends meet at Monte Carlo._)

_First Friend._ No, I'm not staying here. Just run over from Canes.

_Second F._ And I from Fat.

_Third F._ And I'm with my people at Chin.

[We presume the travellers referred to Cannes, Grasse, and Menton.--ED.]

* * * * *

A WHITSUN HOLIDAY.

(_A Page from a Modern Diary._)

_Monday._--Up with the lark. Breakfast not ready. Spent my spare time in closing the boxes. Got the family into the train with difficulty. Devoted the day to travelling. Reached our destination tired out. Glad to get to bed.

_Tuesday._--Up with the lark. Did the sights. Had no time to look at anything, as I had to attend to the tickets. Saw all the museums. My party coming out when I had got the catalogues. So managed our visits that there was no opportunity of discussing meals. Got back in time for _table d'hote_, but preferred sleep to food. Went to bed.

_Wednesday._--Up with the lark. Off again travelling. On the road all day. Having to fit in the corresponding trains, had no leisure for meals. Arrived at our new resting-place late at night. So off as quickly as possible to bed.

_Thursday._--Up with the lark. Spent the morning in sight-seeing under the customary conditions. Waited upon the family. Looked after the catalogues and umbrellas. Food again at a discount. Dispensed with dinner. Glad to get to bed.

_Friday._--Up with the lark. Time to return. Back again by a train. No food. No rest. Halfway home. Arrived in time to see the lights being put out. Off to bed.

_Saturday._--Up with the lark. Continued my journey post-haste. Wrote up my diary. Find that I have got over several hundreds of miles; but for the life of me cannot remember anything that I have seen. Don't recollect any square meal. Back again, tired, and only pleased to be in bed.

_Sunday._--Sleeping.

_Monday._--Up with the lark. Recovered from my week's "rest," and glad to get back again to work.

* * * * *

BY A SEA-SICK PASSENGER

_MARE! Mare_! Most contrary, Why do you tumble so? While you heave and swell One can't feel well, And--I think I'll go below!

* * * * *

MOTTO FOR AMERICAN MILLIONAIRESSES.--

"Marry, come up!"

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Scientific and Nervous Visitor at Country Hotel._ "I suppose there's no 'ptomaine' in this pie?"

_Waiter_ (_equal to the occasion_). "No, sir. We never puts that in unless specially ordered!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: DARTMOOR WAY.--_Tourist_ (_in background_). "I say! Percy! We'd better be going now--unless you can see anything striking from where you are!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: SCENE--_Railway Refreshment Room. Thermometer 90 deg. in the Shade._

_Waiter_ (_to traveller taking tea_). "Beg pardon, sir, I shouldn't recommend that milk, sir; leastways not for _drinking_ purposes."]

* * * * *

[Illustration: HALCYON PROSPECTS.--_Romantic Bride_ (_ecstatically_). "Such a waste of waters almost appals me!"

_Prudent Husband_ (_fondly_). "What a dear little economist it is!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Tourist._ "Wasn't there a great battle fought about here?"

_Village Dame._ "Ah, I do mind it when I were a gell, I do. They was----"

_Tourist._ "But, my good woman, that was nearly six hundred years ago!"

_Village Dame_ (_unabashed_). "Dear, dear! How time do fly!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: "And she only charged eight-and-a-half guineas, and"--(_Interruption from Husbands._ "Isn't the view marvellous!"

_General chorus in reply._ "Oh--er--_Yes!_")--"and now I simply go there for everything!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: FRENCH AND ENGLISH (_as zey are spoke at ze country 'ouse_).--_Hostess._ "Oh--er--j'espair ker voos avvy troovy votre--votre--er--er--votre _collar stud_, barrong?"

_M. le Baron._ "Oh, I zank you, yes! I find 'eem on my _chest of trowsers_!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: PERAMBULATORS NOT ADMITTED

A DISAPPOINTMENT. [To _perambulate_; v.n., in German, _spazieren_; in French, _se promener_; in Italian, _passeggiare_.]--_Johann Schmidt._ "Ach! vat a bitty, Mister Chones! Zen ve must not go therein to berampulate?"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Chatty Tourist._ "Beautiful specimen of a Roman camp, this, isn't it?"

_Grim Stranger._ "_No_, sir, _no_! I decline to admit that there can be _any_ true beauty about anything _Roman_!"]

* * * * *

TWO LAST WORDS TO SWITZERLAND

(_By a British Tourist and Family Man_)

On Uri's lake, in Kuesnacht's dell, What is the thought can almost quell Thy patriot memory, oh TELL? _Hotel!_

Whether by blue crevasse we reel, Or list the avalanche's peal, What question blends with all we feel?-- _Wie Viel?_

* * * * *

[Illustration: LUSUS NATURAE

_Excursion Tourist._ "Most extr'or'nary cre'char!"

_Facetious Rustic._ "Ah! that a be, measter, bred on this 'ere wery fa-arm he wor, tew!"]

* * * * *

MORE ENGLISH AS SHE IS WROTE.--At an hotel at Socrabaja in Java is this notice:--

"From the hours fixed for meals on no account will be deviated. For damage to furniture the proprietor will avenge himself on the person committing the same."

* * * * *

"TIRED NATURE."--A yawning gulf.

* * * * *

[Illustration: OUR BORES, NATIVE AND FOREIGN

"Ach! I schbeague Enklish not vell, not vell at all! Pot, py a leadle bractice, I imbrove ver kvick! Vait till I haf talk to you for a gopple of hours, and you shall see!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A SCENE AT THE "LUCULLUS"

_Mrs. Blunderby._ "Now, my dear Monty, let me order the luncheon ar-la-fraingsy. Gassong! I wish to begin--as we always do in Paris, my dears--with some _chef-d'oeuvres_--you understand--some _chef-d'oeuvres_."

[_Emile, the waiter, is in despair. It occurs to him, however, presently that the lady probably meant "Hors d'oeuvres," and acts accordingly._

]

* * * * *

TO A WELSH LADY

(_Written at Clovelly_)

The reason why I leave unsung Your praises in the Cymric tongue You know, sweet Nelly; You recollect your poet's crime-- How, when he tried to sing "the time," He made "the place" and "loved one" rhyme, You and Dolgelly!

But now, although a shocking dunce, I've learnt, in part, the Welsh pronunc- iation deathly. I dream of you in this sweet spot, And for your sake I call it what Its own inhabitants do not-- That is "Clovethly"!

* * * * *

AT WHITBY.--_Visitor_ (_to Ancient Mariner, who has been relating his experiences to crowd of admirers_). Then do you mean to tell us that you actually reached the North Pole?

_Ancient Mariner._ No, sir; that would be a perwersion of the truth. But I seed it a-stickin' up among the ice just as plain as you can this spar, which I plants in the sand. It makes me thirsty to think of that marvellous sight, we being as it were parched wi' cold.

[_A. M.'s distress promptly relieved by audience._

* * * * *

THE WALKING ENGLISHWOMAN ON THE ALPS

[Illustration]

You who look at home so charming-- Angel, goddess, nothing less-- Do you know you're quite alarming In that dress?

Such a garb should be forbidden; Where's the grace an artist loves? Think of dainty fingers hidden In those gloves!

Gloves! A housemaid would not wear them, Shapeless, brown and rough as sacks, Thick! And yet you often tear them With that axe!

Worst of all, unblacked, unshiny-- Greet them with derisive hoots-- Clumsy, huge! For feet so tiny! Oh, those boots!

* * * * *

[Illustration: SCENE--_Verandah of Swiss Hotel_

_Brown_ (_finishing very lengthy account of Alpine adventure_).

"And then, Miss Jones, then, just as dawn was breaking, I heard the voices of the guides above me, and I knew that I was saved--actually saved! My feelings, as I realised this, may be more easily imagined than described!"

_Miss Jones_ (_fervently_). "Thank Heaven!"

[_And Brown fondly imagined she was alluding to his escape_.

]

* * * * *

[Illustration: CAUTIOUS

_Visitor_ (_at out-of-the-way Inn in the North_). "Do you know anything about salmon-poaching in the neighbourhood?"

_Landlady_ (_whose son is not above suspicion_). "Eh--no, sir. Maybe it's a new style of cooking as we haven't heard of in these parts, as you see, sir, we only do our eggs that way; and"--(_brightening up_)--"if you like 'em, I can get you a dish at once!"]

* * * * *

THE SEVEN AGES OF LUGGAGE

_Baby._ Perambulator, bottle, robe, fingerless gloves and woollen shoes.

_Schoolboy._ Bat, ball, and aids to education.

_Lover._ Guitar, music-book, writing materials, and fur-lined overcoat.

_Justice._ Capon in basket, robes, and treatise upon ancient saws and modern instances.

_Soldier._ Sword, uniform case, standard work upon Reputation.