Part 2

PRELIMINARY RAMBLE: The stranger visiting Arcady for the first time cannot do better than to begin by a walk down Lovers’ Lane, where he must surely be impressed by the shady trees and luxuriantly blooming flowers. Although sometimes flooded with morning sunshine, it is usually evening in Arcady. The moon shines always, sometimes a Honeymoon glows brightly, and there are generally stars, or perhaps a tender twilight with a fading sunset. On each side of the lane are the small houses of the Love-in-a-Cottage Colony. These cottages are rose-embowered and have white dimity curtains tied with blue ribbons. Crossing Lovers’ Lane at right angles is Primrose Path, the fashionable street of Arcady. The dwellings here are air castles (mostly of Spanish architecture) and dreams of marble halls. One of the most celebrated mansions is Claude Melnotte’s:

A palace lifting to eternal summer Its marble walls, from out a glossy bower Of coolest foliage musical with birds, . . . while the perfumed light Stole through the mists of alabaster lamps, And every air was heavy with the sighs Of orange groves and music from sweet lutes, And murmurs of low fountains that gush forth I’ the midst of roses!

Farther on a shaft of moonlight falls on Juliet’s balcony, and beyond rise the towers and turrets of the Castle of La Joyeuse Garde. Primrose Path leads to Fool’s Paradise, but turning off to the West the traveler may stroll through Paradise Alley to the Elysian Fields. This beautiful spot is always fanned by south winds, and among its flowery arbors may be heard the songs of larks, nightingales, and turtle doves. Beyond lies the Forest of Arden. Here sturdy oaks covered with clinging vines abound; but the tree most frequently seen is the Trysting Tree. These trees are interesting to visitors because of the symbols carved on their bark. Here one may notice the entwined initials of Aucassin and Nicolette; there the true lover’s knot of Orpheus and Eurydice, or the overlapping hearts of Abelard and Heloise. Crossing a stile we wander by the brookside, or pause for a while at the old Ruined Mill to count the Shooting Stars.

FLORA

The flowers in Arcady are perennial and bloom all the year round. There are roses for every stage of the game, from the blush rose to the Bride Rose. There are moss roses for those who love old-fashioned flowers, and the Last Rose of Summer is a variety much admired by Romanticists. There are many old-fashioned gardens in Arcady, and here may be seen Bleeding Hearts, Forget-me-nots, Love-Lies-Bleeding, Pansies for Thoughts, and Rosemary for Remembrance. There is also Heartsease and Rue. There are lanes of lilacs and orchards of apple bloom. There are daisy fields and groves of orange trees in blossom. Wild flowers grow everywhere and mistletoe is indigenous. In the flower-shops may be bought orchids or violets in wealthy effects. In the Souvenir Shops one may find pressed or dried flowers, and these are much in demand. Poppies grow wild along the banks of the Lethe River, and the moon-flower flourishes in many gardens.

THE ARCADIAN LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS

ASTERS—I am very wealthy. STOCK—I have been successful in Wall Street. PHLOX—I shear lambs. RUBBER PLANT—I love to look at you. DAISY—You’re it. BURR—I’m stuck on you. OYSTER PLANT—Will you dine with me? MINT—Do you live in Philadelphia? ANISE—Cordially yours. COSMOS—You’re all the world to me. MARIGOLD—I mean business. POPPY—May I speak to your father? ORCHIDS—I am extravagant. PALM—Will you accept my hand? TUBEROSES—May you die soon. BLUEBELL—I will telephone you. MOCK ORANGE BLOSSOMS—I am only flirting with you. MOON FLOWERS—I’m just crazy about you. BOX—Will you go to the opera with me?

HOTELS

The hotels in Arcady are excellent, with large and well-kept gardens, rose-embowered lawns, ivy-hung turrets, and all requirements of Romance.

In the interior of the town is Halcyon Hall, owned by the Lovemore Company. This is a new and sumptuous hotel, fitted up with a careful attention to detail, which combines eighteenth-century romance with nineteenth-century convenience. Among its advantages over the older hostelries are:

An Express Elevator to the Seventh Heaven, and a Dream Interpreter Call and United States Valentine Chute on every floor. It is also lighted by an Automatic Electric Moon.

Other important hotels are Orchid Court, Honeymoon Hall, and Violet Villa.

The Grand Union is an old and well-known hotel for married lovers. Less pretentious hostelries are the bijou Villa Beaubelle, Starlight Cottage, and Cupid’s Court.

There are many Inns, both quaint and interesting. Their swinging sign-boards announce such appropriate appellations as “Arms and the Man,” “The Moon and I,” or “The World is Mine.”

The St. Valentine Apartment House, situated on Good Times Square, is a residential building of the first class.

* * * * *

RESTAURANTS: These institutions are not specially popular in Arcady, as the inhabitants rarely have large appetites. Indeed, waiters often set artificial viands before their patrons, and the difference is not observed.

Guests are always overcharged, as the true Lover has no thought of what he is paying and settles any bill without a murmur.

A very popular table d’hôte service consists of Bread and Cheese and Kisses, and the partakers thereof drink to each other only with their eyes and leave a kiss in the cup, so that wine is never asked for.

* * * * *

SWEET SHOPS: These shops are well patronized and their wares include nectar, honey, angel-cakes, taffy, kisses, and sweets of all sorts. Orders are filled also for wedding-cakes, and very soft drinks are served in loving-cups.

HEARD IN ARCADY

MUSIC IN THE GRASS

I

In the summer of the summer, when the hazy air is sweet With the breath of crimson clover, and the day’s a-shine with heat, When the sky is blue and burning and the clouds a downy mass, When the breeze is idly dawdling, there is music in the grass— Just a thistly, whistly sound In the tangles near the ground; And the flitting fairies often stop to listen as they pass. Just a lisping, whisp’ring tune, Like a bumblebee’s bassoon, In a far-away fantasia, is the music in the grass.

II

Would you know what makes the music? On each slender, quivering blade There are notes and chords and phrases by the bees and crickets played; And the grasshoppers and locusts strive each other to surpass In their brave interpretation of the music in the grass. By the roguish breezes tossed You might think it would get lost, But the careful fairies guard it, watching closely as they pass. So on every summer day, Sounding faint and far away, Is the mystic, murmuring marvel of the music in the grass.

DITHYRAMB BY AN ARCADIAN POET

TO A MILKMAID IN ARCADY

I hail thee, O Milkmaid! Goddess of the gaudy morn, Hail! Across the mead tripping, Invariably across the mead tripping, The merry mead with cowslips blooming, With daisies blooming, The Milkmaid also more or less blooming! I hail thee, O Milkmaid! I recognize the value of thy pail in literature and art. What were a pastoral poet without thee? Oh, I know thee, Milkmaid! I hail thy jaunty juvenescence. I know thy eighteen summers and thy eternal springs. Ay, I know thy trials! I know how thou art outspread over pastoral poetry. Rampant, ubiquitous, inevitable, thy riotings in pastoral poetry. And in masterpieces of pastoral art! How oft have I seen thee sitting; On a tri-legged stool sitting; On the wrong side of the cow sitting; Garbed in all thy preposterous paraphernalia. I know thy paraphernalia— Yea, even thy impossible milkpail and thy improbable bodice. Short-skirted Siren! Big-hatted Beauty! What were the gentle spring without thee? I hail thee! I hail thy vernality, and I rejoice in thy hackneyed ubiquitousness. I hail the superiority of thy inferiorness, and I lay at thy feet this garland of gratuitous Hails!

[Illustration: “ON THE WATER ALL SORTS OF BOATS ARE USED”]

CONVEYANCES

Arcady is oftenest traversed on foot, as Lovers would rather stroll together through the beautiful country than to ride, and many of them walk on air. But, if desired, any vehicle for two may be obtained at the Livery Stables. Old-fashioned sidebar buggies and hansom cabs are much in demand, and some swains still enjoy a bicycle built for two.

On the water all sorts of boats are used. On moonlight nights and balmy afternoons, and also in the radiant glow of the early morning, the lakes and streams are dotted with Shallops, Cockle-Shells, or Gondolas, in which loving pairs are idly drifting.

Also, at the Livery Stables, palfreys may be engaged for eloping purposes, or chargers may be hired by the Lover of medieval tastes, and rope ladders are sold or rented for these occasions.

[Illustration: CUPID’S HEARTWARE SHOP]

SHOPS

The Arcadian shops offer delightful wares to a doting Lover. Flower-markets and candy-shops show tempting display windows, and book-stalls can supply presentation editions of all the love-lore ever written from Sappho to the present day. The jewel-shops are marvels of splendor, and the Arcady arcades and bazaars show love-tokens and souvenirs of all sorts. An interesting place to visit is Dan Cupid’s Heartware shop, where charms, love-philters, and true-love knots are for sale. There is also a repairing department, where broken hearts are mended and made as good as new. Here hearts may be repaired while you wait.

CUPID’S SALE

Amid their annual display Of roses, doves, and darts, Cupid and Co. announce today A Bargain Sale of Hearts.

Ho, luckless suitor lachrymose, Ho, lacklove lovelorn swain, Gallants rejected and morose, Hearts you may here obtain.

Rare specimens that must be sold, One that is pure and true; One, an antique, exceeding old, But quite as good as new.

And as we know there’ll be a crowd Before the day is done, No single buyer is allowed To purchase more than one.

A man might find ’mong broken hearts A fitting mate for his; Dan Cupid mends with skilful arts And sells them cheap “as is.”

Then as you take your walks abroad, Ho, all ye lovers, stop! And view these bargains which we laud At Cupid’s Heartware Shop.

The gloveshop is a popular emporium, for gloves are so often given or confiscated, for souvenirs, that they must be continually replaced.

Mittens, also used as gifts, are for sale here.

In the bookshops the best selling titles are “How to Make Love and How to Keep It,” “Sonnets from the Portuguese,” “The Lover’s Lexicon.”

CUPID’S BILL

One summer day, poor little Cupid Sat sadly poring o’er his slate. “I fear I must be very stupid,” He said, and shook his curly pate.

And then he ran away to Venus. “Dear mother, help me! if you will, I’m sure,” he cried, “that we between us Can straighten out Sir Strephon’s bill.”

Said Venus, “Just as I expected! You always do make such a fuss With bills!” But soon it was corrected, And the account was rendered thus:

Sir Strephon— To Dan Cupid, Dr., To shooting at six maidens’ hearts. To making one blue silken fetter. To half a dozen blunted darts.

To seven arrows, lost or broken. To one heart by a blunder hit. To one new bow. To one love-token. Terms cash. No credit. Please remit.

“Hasten,” cried Venus, “do not tarry! Today is Strephon’s wedding-day. Unless he settle e’er he marry, Cupid may whistle for his pay.”

[Illustration: “THE GROVES AND DELLS ARE DECORATED WITH BEAUTIFUL STATUES”]

INSTITUTIONS AND PUBLIC BUILDINGS

PLACES OF INTEREST: A walk or drive round Arcady will reveal many points of interest to the traveler. The groves and dells are decorated with beautiful statues, among which may be noticed Venus, Eros, Psyche, Adonis, Lothario, Dulcinea, Byron, Mrs. Browning, and lovers of all times and ages.

Around the corner there is a little church with a chime of wedding bells.

* * * * *

POST-OFFICE: The post-office is in the heart of an old hollow oak tree at the corner of Lovers’ Lane and Great Joy Street. It is always much used, but on St. Valentine’s Day the accommodations are quite inadequate.

HEART EXCHANGE: The Heart Exchange is a time-honored institution, and a circulating library of hearts is patronized by summer girls and college youths. The Poet’s Corner (corner of Grub Street and Maiden Lane) is always a crowded spot, and the Photograph Galleries are well patronized.

THE INTERCEPTED VALENTINE

Little Bo-peep, will you be mine? I want you for my Valentine. You are my choice of all the girls, With your blushing cheeks and your fluttering curls, With your ribbons gay and your kirtle neat, None other is so fair and sweet. Little Bo-peep, let’s run away, And marry each other on Midsummer Day; And ever to you I’ll be fond and true. Your faithful Valentine, Little Boy Blue.

* * * * *

BANKS: There are many banks. One of the best known is the bank on which the wild thyme grows, and another almost equally noted is the bank on which the moonlight slept so sweetly in Jessica’s time.

There is a Rainy-Day Bank, much patronized by thrifty young Lovers.

Every day is Bank Holiday in Arcady.

* * * * *

THE HOSPITAL: The hospital is a fine up-to-date building, for the benefit of lovesick swains. It is situated on the corner of Heartbreak Avenue and Despair Street, and is in charge of skilled medical men and well-trained nurses.

Special wards are provided for the moonstruck, and padded cells for Swains suffering from Love’s delirium, or those frantic Lovers who have been bitten by the Green-Eyed Monster.

Emergency Specialists provide first aid to the smitten, and Anatomical Experts attend those who have had their heads turned, or who have fallen over head and ears in love; while clever Oculists look after those whom Love has made blind, or whose eyes are in a fine frenzy rolling.

* * * * *

THE WEATHER BUREAU: The weather bureau in Arcady is a most unreliable affair.

If a frown cloud his lady’s face, the sign to the Lover is: “Fair and Slightly Cooler.”

If he fail in any attention she expected, the sign may be read: “About this time expect a frost.”

[Illustration: WEATHER BUREAU “FAIR AND SLIGHTLY COOLER”]

* * * * *

THE CAMPO SANTO: The Campo Santo is a most romantic and enjoyable spot. From earliest times it has been the habit of Lovers to wander through a graveyard—and the cemetery in Arcady so abounds in romantic memories that it is an Elysium in itself. The graves are kept green of such historic lovers as Paris and Helen, Paolo and Francesca, Hero and Leander; while the monument of Romeo and Juliet is a veritable shrine and is always decked with fresh flowers.

* * * * *

THE HALL OF FAME: Arcady never tires of honoring the memory of her eminent citizens.

Aside from the tombstones in the Campo Santo and the statues in the Public Gardens, there are Monuments in the Hall of Fame that again perpetuate the memory of departed Heroes and Heroines of Romance.

A tablet in bas-relief shows the despairing Huguenot Lovers, while next it stands a sculptured group of “Darby and Joan.”

The lovely Pastoral Work, “Corydon and Phyllis,” is opposite the equally charming piece, “Strephon and Chloe.”

Fair Margaret and Sweet William sleep in effigy, and noted Lovers of all climes and ages are represented.

BALLADE OF ARCADY

Oh, Life sings in a joyous strain When Cupid holds our hearts in fee; The days such happiness contain, The nights bring merry revelry. Our souls are tuned to highest key, Our hearts from joy know not surcease;— Yet this one truth comes home to me, The dearest gift of Love is Peace.

When many roguish smiles enchain, When many voices chime in glee, An interest in them all I feign, And each the fairest seems to be. But one I seek all earnestly, As Jason sought the Golden Fleece, Whose heart would fain agree with me, The dearest gift of Love is Peace.

My fond quest has not been in vain, Shyly she listened to my plea; And Cupid, peeping at us twain, Smiled as I knelt on bended knee. From gay enchantments now I’m free, I feel their trifling charms decrease, From all their blandishments I flee, The dearest gift of Love is Peace.

L’ENVOI

Sweetheart, we’ve done with coquetry, With coy flirtation and caprice; All these are past,—and now we see The dearest gift of Love is Peace.

AMUSEMENTS

The Mayday Plaisance is a large Amusement Park situated on Good Times Square.

This is frequented by light-hearted and frivolous-minded young Arcadians, who enjoy the amusements provided.

* * * * *

There is a Captive Aeroplane in the Seventh Heaven, which makes flights every half-hour. The stay in the Seventh Heaven is necessarily short, but enthusiastic Lovers go often.

* * * * *

The Descent Into the Inferno is another diversion, patronized by intense or quick-tempered pairs.

[Illustration: “THE MAYDAY PLAISANCE IS A LARGE AMUSEMENT PARK”]

The Well of Truth is an interesting feature.

Looking down into its crystal-clear depths, Lovers learn the truth about each other. This often causes much merriment, or the reverse. (On the whole it is a dangerous pastime.)

* * * * *

Joy Rides are usually clandestine and secret. They often end disastrously, but this is part of the fun. Any vehicle may be used and any speed maintained. Oftenest it is a slow, merely moving crawl, but again it may be a break-neck dash. Joy Rides have been popular in Arcady for many centuries. Some have been immortalized in Song and Story. Robert Browning’s “Last Ride Together” is a stirring tale of a Joy Ride. See also “The Ride of Lochinvar” and “The Young Lady of Niger.”

* * * * *

Bands of Serenaders are often heard in the Mayday Plaisance. These are of troubadour effect and sing sad or tender love songs to the accompaniment of such instruments as lutes, guitars, bassoons, etc. The audience (in pairs) are ensconced in vine-hung balconies and thus enjoy the appropriate music.

Dreamland is a part of the Mayday Plaisance, and here young lovers may indulge in fairest Day-dreams.

Dream Interpreters are here, who are skilled in interpreting Love’s Young Dream.

One may choose to have a Midsummer-Night’s Dream, or he may dream that he dwelt in Marble Halls, and, if waking is a pain, he may dream again. Or, if Love’s Dream is o’er, he may ask to have a change come o’er the spirit of his Dream.

* * * * *

Another diversion is the Illusion known as the Bridal Veil. This fools many.

[Illustration: A SERENADER]

THE OLD STORY

Tonight I met Rose, So it’s all up with Polly. She bewitches the beaux, And tonight I met Rose; Now who would suppose _I’d_ be caught by such folly? But tonight I met Rose, So it’s all up with Polly.

LANGUAGE

For those who wish to derive the greatest possible pleasure from a visit to Arcady, some acquaintance with the Language of Love is indispensable. This can best be acquired by a careful study of poetry and romantic novels, and about four hours’ practise every day. (“The Lover’s Phrase Book” is a useful little treatise, as it gives four thousand terms of endearment, alphabetically arranged, and is small enough to be carried in the pocket, for ready reference, in case of love at first sight.)

The Language of Love is largely composed of adjectives and expletives.

Hyperbole and other flowery figures of speech abound.

It is also peculiarly rich in idioms, most of which are generally unintelligible, being made up by those who use them.

* * * * *

The beginner usually thus learns the first principles of conjugation.

First Person, I love. This is a joy and a revelation and he is the happiest man on earth.

Second Person, Thou lovest. This completes his rapture and he is in Heaven.

Third Person, He loves. This is known as the Tertium Quid and casts the beginner into the depths of Hades.

SOME ARCADIAN BROMIDIOMS

“When did you first begin to love me?”

“Do you love me as much as ever?”

“You don’t love me any more.”

“I never loved any girl but you.”

“Oh, I thought I loved him, but now I know it wasn’t really love.”

“They think they’re happy, but they don’t know what love means,—as we do.”

“Do you really think I’m pretty?”

“I don’t see why you love me.”

“Nobody in all the world ever loved as we do.”

“How did you come to love me in the first place?”

“Would you forgive me anything?”

EXERCISE FOR THE LANGUAGE STUDENT

A VERY PRETTY QUARREL

HE—Tell me you love me, pretty poppet SHE—I love you more than you love me! HE—Oh, no! Excuse me, my own moppet; But truly, sweet, that cannot be!

SHE—What cannot be? HE— That you _could_ love me More or as much as I love you. SHE—Ah, so you set yourself above me?

HE—No, no! not that! SHE— Oh, yes, you do!

HE—Now do be reasonable, dearie. SHE— I will be, sir, if you’ll allow I love you best. HE— You make me weary! SHE—Well, just admit it, anyhow.

HE—I won’t! SHE— If you _did_ love me best, dear, You’d say whatever I might ask, _Because_ I ask it. HE— Chuck the rest, dear; You’ve set me now an easy task.

SHE—I love you best! Is not that so, love? HE— It is; and thus we meet the test I say what you command, you know, love, Only because _I_ love _you_ best!

SHE—You horrid thing! HE— Why, what now, Janet? I said just what you asked me to! SHE—You’re mean and cruel! HE— You began it! SHE— I didn’t! You did! HE— No; ’twas you!

HE—Come, dearie, stop this silly snarling; You _do_ love most, I spoke in jest; SHE—No, no, _your_ love is greatest, darling; HE— No, my sweetheart, _you_ love _me_ best!

(_Repeat ad lib. D. C. al fine_)

DEGREES OF LOVE

Positive: My Own! Comparative: My Owner! Superlative: My Ownest!

DEFINITIONS

Forever: until tomorrow. Never: until tomorrow. Yes: no. No: yes. Keepsake: any worthless piece of property. Absence: a heart stimulant. Alone: (for one) misery. Alone: (for two) joy. X X X: kisses. o o o: kisses.

THE SPELLING LESSON

When Venus said: “Spell _no_ for me,” “N-O,” Dan Cupid wrote with glee, And smiled at his success;

“Ah, child,” said Venus, laughing low, “We women do not spell it so, We spell it Y-E-S.”

LOVE IN ARCADY

What to us is time or space, Hours of absence, days of grace; As we rule and reign alone In a kingdom of our own? Love like ours is up to date, Sneers at fortune, conquers Fate; Makes the loves of early times Look like three bright, shiny dimes. Couldn’t we give cards and spades To historic lovers’ shades! Easily our love can beat That of Faust and Marguerite. Heloise and Abelard Stooped to tricks that we’d discard; Orpheus and Eurydice Only knew a simple way; Launcelot and Guinevere Wondering would our love-songs hear, And a few things we might show Juliet and Romeo. Hero we’d give pointers to, Teach Leander how to woo. I could coach Semiramis, Trojan Helen teach to kiss. You’d teach Dante and Petrarch, Distance Cleopatra’s Mark. Oh, the loves of bygone days Were not up to modern ways!

INSENSIBILITY

They tell me that the day is fair, With blossoms springing everywhere; I do not know, I cannot say, For thou, my love, art far away.

They tell me that the birds sing sweet, That brooklets ripple at my feet; I do not know, I cannot hear, For thou, my love, art nowhere near.