IV.

We want America to guard our state, Because we couldn't do it all alone; We want the offices at any rate We'll eat the meat and let them pick the bone While they are us defending; With chicken fights unending We'll pass our days in pleasure; We'll drink from joy's full measure.

[Illustration]

A DEMOCRATIC WAKE.

Dramatis Personae

_Count Luie:_ . . . . . _A Democratic Wheel-horse (Toast Master)._ _Sir Obreon:_ . . . . . _A Counsellor._ _Sir La Mutt:_ . . . . _A Literatus._ _Filipino Ilustrados and Politicos._ _Several died-in-the-wool Democrats._

_Scene: Hotel de Francosa._

COUNT LUIE: Noble compatriots, I greet thee well. When war's ensanguined plain in tears of blood Weeps for the fallen in a worthy cause, 'Twere well for us bereaved to sing their praise And thus commemorate their sacrifice. In all great battles, triumph oft doth hinge On questions small, but oft of great import; No matter if the sacrifice be great, So long as victory doth greet our clan. We trembled at the clamours of the mob And feared results, from its prophetic tone; But now we laugh to scorn their idle boasts, For we from out the fleshpots still can feed. And now in concert we would fain rejoice, While mourning for the fallen in the fray. Hence, if some loyal soul can requ'em voice, 'Twere fit and proper in this fun'ral hour. One consolation, disappointment soothes: With fewer numbers in our shattered ranks, Appointments to positions are the same, And so each patriot holds a _flusher hand_.

_(Enthusiastic applause.)_

A DEMOCRAT: But, sire, it were a sacrifice most vain. Had renegades from out our glorious clan Not pictured formerly in public mind That rule Republican indeed were wise. And so dissatisfaction, like to yeast, Deep in the thoughtless mob did swell to burst Because our party purposed to at once Enfranchise this unhappy down-trod race.

SIR OBREON: But should we here our dirty linen air, And so a weapon place in varlet hand? Methinks 'twere wise to bury in the past Those petty broils and bravely forward march.

COUNT LUIE: Ah! it were easy for a looker-on To counsel peace between a man and wife, But were he in the broil himself involved, Philosophy were physic all too weak To cure the wounds made by a rasping tongue, Which time doth canker as the cancer grows Until at last the surgeon with his knife Alone can the distemper dire outroot.

SIR LA MUTT: Count Louie, thou hast voiced my very thought! Traitors who fellowship with filthy graft And find one single virtue in the creed Of these Republicans who long have ruled These Islands with despotic, cruel hand, Until their tyranny doth smell to Heav'n, Indeed should find no place to lay their heads Within the bounds of Democratic fold.

SIR OBREON: Ah, lack-a-day! If thus we fail to rise Above the narrow prejudice whose birth Took place, alas, beneath warm southern skies, Then we must be content to walk the plank When two years hence the people seal our doom. Success, indeed, should be our only aim; Hence bury childish griefs deep in the grave.

A DEMOCRAT: Enough, my friends, enough! But we did come To mingle joy and grief o'er the results That follow combat at the public polls: Grief for the vanquished, joy for party spoils.

SIR LA MUTT: But Sire, why should we mourn for those who fell? Those turncoats of the money-loving North Deserve the fate that traitor e'er should know. We of the South did loyally uphold Our honor in the combat, for but one Did fall before the golden calf, and he Deep in Louisiana's shades did dwell, Where sugar sweet did blind the public eye.

SIR OBREON: And can it be that thou dost not discern That else we from the North do draw support, Our party will, as in the dreary past, From out the pale in vain with hungry eyes Behold our enemies safely entrenched Lapping with greedy tongue successe's broth From out the flesh-pets, which we, fool-like, placed Before them by our squabling party feuds.

COUNT LUIE: Sir Obreon, methinks thy mental grasp Of things politic is indeed but dim. The "Constitution" is a weapon grand. The Democratic party when in war, To closer weld the bonds which held the slave, E'en then did show earnest solicitude Lest the cold-blooded North should not observe That sacred instrument, but it should break By sending men of war from out their states To subjugate us of the knightly South. Our party hath indeed a record grand. Its _flexibility_ to all demands Doth admiration claim from all the world. Today it loud proclaims "sixteen to one;" Tomorrow to the golden calf it kneels. Today those stars we worship in our flag As emblematic of each sovereign state; Tomorrow we demand the "stars and bars" Supplant them as Imperialistic sign.

A DEMOCRAT: But would not that involve the speedy death Of that grand song which we have learned to love, The song which doth demand that those bright stars Shall wave in triumph through the ages long?

COUNT LUIE: Oh we could substitute for it our hymn Which fired paternal hearts in sixty-one; The "Bonny Blue Flag" doth have a smoother ring, Or "Dixy" might supplant the time-worn song!

SIR LA MUTT: Ah "Dixie" were indeed a noble air And caryeth upon its varied strains Our mun'ries back to those embattled days When our forebears did war a vandal host.

A DEMOCRAT (_with wool not deeply dyed_) I fear the people's hearts in northers climes Are wedded to the flag as it did wave When they were battling for the nation's life And ne'er such innovation would approve.

SIR LA MUTT: When we like game-cocks strut and fiercely crow, These men _for sake of peace_ e'er knuckle down Fear not, for we are in the saddle now, And so the charger yieldeth to the spur.

COUNT LOUIE: (_continues earnestly_) And when the debt gigantic which was made To war our fathers till they bit the dust, Matured, our party instinct did invent A method to repudiate the claim By paying greenback printed nice and clean, But which with gold would never be redeemed. Alas! those Yankee soldiers called the bluff And once again encompassed our defeat. While principles unchanging we declare, Yet what, indeed, is it that changeth not? Why, every Democrat should early know That to obtain the offices is but The one unchanging principle at stake, And every effort that we these attain. Should spur us on; like as "Toreador" Doth flaunt his robe to blind unreas'ning eyes, So we the "Constitution" e'er should wave, Attention to distract from tender points Of history which forward not out cause.

SIR LA MUTT: Sir Count, what should we hide from public gaze? I and the President came from a stock Which helped to build a mighty common wealth. 'Tis true, in time of stress our father stood In serried ranks to tear the structure down And on its ruins build a fairer state With negro slavery its cornerstone. Alas! the northern "mudsills" did prevail, And now the white supremacy is held By shrewdly circumventing vicious laws, We Southerners within this tropic clime Do sympathize with these illustr'ous men Who here to night their presence happ'ly lend To join us in our tears and in our joys _(Turning to the Filipinos.)_ We are your friends; Republicans, your foes, For they indeed would raise the tao up And fill his head with notions most unwise, Just as they seek to place on equal terms Our "servants" in the sunny southland clime. There lurks one serpent in our city leal Of whom beware! for he is full of guile. But once when he Count Luie did attack I counter-thrust did give with my deft pen; And though I flayed him in my treachant style, He, being slow of wit, did know it not; And as "Old Fogy" he doth often spout His forthy nonsense in the daily press. But now I speak in no uncertain terms Of our great President; for I and he Are intimates as only those can be We meet on terms of mental equity. Hence trust in me! For I will quick advise Him as to matters in these lovely Isles. Sweet friends, there is a bond which holds us fast: You aimed your guns to riddle that old flag _(Points to the stars and stripes dramatically, drawing up his commanding figure.)_ And while we Democrats it ne'er assailed _(Rises on his toes and with a baseball voice.)_ Yet know ye, that our fathers did the same. _(Great applause by some, others hang their heads.)_

COUNT LOUIE: With gratitude I do at once recall When good La Mutt did to my aid repair. And he so scared mine adversary then That I in pity did not e'en retort. For there are times when with a cold disdain One soars aloft and sees a pigmy not. Twere vain to argue with a half-fledged mind, Thus casting pearls before ignoble swine.

A DEMOCRAT: But victory still sitteth on our perch, And yet we ratify in pensive tones. Let joy now reign, let vain regrets depart, And for small favors thank the God of Hosts.

A REPRESENTATIVE: A good majority sits in the house, Enough to give us independence still, Then what eventuates _without our land_ We care not so we grasp the reigns of state.

COUNT LOUIE: After refreshments (_smacks his lips_) we will then adjourn, And if some Southern gentleman desires, We will repair unto a private room And in a game of poker spend the night, Thus celebrating in a proper way A victory indeed of doubtful cast. But to our joy affix a deep regret, For that proud list of eighty warring knights Who fell with faces always to the front Yet ready stand to wage anew the fight Whene'er their ears close to their mother earth Shall hear the call to office once again. _(Reflectively.)_ For once a politician wins the race, He like an warhorse smells the battle far And to his dying day doth live in hope That grateful country may make its demand. _(Close by singing an ode to the air; "Hark, from the Tomb a Doleful Sound")_ Sleep! martyrs, sleep! till resurrection morn, When sounding trump shall call to office sweet; Republicans may grin with silent scorn, But we like hungry pigs still smell the teat.

FINIS

----------------------------------------------------- Transcriber's Note (continued), and Errata

Transcriber's Note:

There has been a suggestion that this book may have been self-published; the style and layout are not necessarily consistent. Some of the round brackets (stage directions) are italicised, along with their contents; others are not. Different fonts were used for headings, and there were a couple of letters which were not the same font or size as the rest of the word. There was even one letter 'o' which appeared to be upside down, or, perhaps, a mirror-image.

Italic words or phrases are enclosed in _ and _. (An _italic phrase_. _This is an italic sentence._)

Errata--old typos:

I have corrected only the blatantly obvious old typos; less obvious ones I have retained. (e.g. 'They', which could be 'Thy'; 'Tis', which should be ''Tis'; 'Twere', which is sometimes ''Twere'; 'gentlement' (for whatever reason ...); Dissapoint, for disappoint; 'Oposing' for 'Opposing' (well, maybe he couldn't spell). )

Page 21: 'showly' corrected to 'slowly'. (Seldonskip walks slowly on.)

Page 22: 'throug' corrected to 'throng'. ('Tis thus I guard this weakling from the throng.)

Page 26: corrected 'solt' to 'soft'. (... soft words clothed with a smile.)

Page 28: 'Freeding on coconuts'...: [sic]

Page 28: 'He'd mightyq uick' corrected to 'He'd mighty quick'.

Page 29: comma corrected to period. (Secretary of the Governor.)

Page 29: corrected 'sometinies' to 'sometimes'. (But sometimes action swift doth breed regreet; [sic])

Page 31: 'bo' corrected to 'be'. (... to be obeyed.)

Page 35: 'Genileman' corrected to 'Gentleman' (1st Gentleman (indignant))

Page 35: ',dukes" corrected to "dukes". (... put up your "dukes" ...)

Page 35: 'whspers' corrected to 'whispers'. (2nd Gentleman (whispers))

Page 40: 'conncil' corrected to 'council'; 'behin' corrected to 'behind'; 'ot' corrected to 'of'.

Page 42: 'gallanthy' corrected to 'gallantly'.

Page 44: 'monlder' corrected to 'moulder'.

Page 45: 'crat' [sic] ... error for 'craft'? or, possibly, the generic suffix used as a noun (e.g. bureaucrat)?

Page 45: 'bath' corrected to 'hath'. (... for it hath no ground).

Page 48: 'ef' corrected to 'of'. (... the mystery of being ...).

Page 49: 'wiht' corrected to 'with'. (With energy).

Page 49: 'Seene' corrected to 'Scene'. (Scene II).

Page 49: 'Mest' corrected to 'Most'. (Most noble Sire ...).

Page 50: 'eacn' corrected to 'each'. (... each important loss ...).

Page 50: 'Franco' corrected to 'Francos'.

Page 50: comma corrected to period. (... without the door.)

Page 51: 'May grind us all between it cruel cogs' [sic] its?

Page 52: 'ffll' corrected to 'fill'. (Revenge shall fill the goblet ... ).

Page 52: 'wolds' corrected to 'words'. (... those words so apt.).

Page 52: 'aud' corrected to 'and'. (... embrace and retire.).

Page 53: 'erafty' corrected to 'crafty'. (the crafty hands).

Page 54: 'looso' corrected to 'loose'.

Page 54: 'io' corrected to 'to'. (... who dare to speak).

Page 54: 'wounders' [sic].

Page 55: 'rund' corrected to 'run'. (... run down my weakening spine).

Page 55: 'men'ry' corrected to 'mem'ry'. (But mem'ry doth recall ...).

Page 55: 'adverturc' corrected to 'adventure'. (... doth impel adventure from the spot).

Page 55: 'Good's' corrected to 'God's'. (In childish wonder at God's handiwork:)

Page 55: 'imperialistsc' corrected to 'imperialistic'. (... imperialistic thoughts.)

Page 60: 'goods' [sic] error?, or deliberate? (... but, ye goods/gods,).

Page 64: " corrected to ' ('Twould to be give ...).

Page 76: 'opprobious' corrected to 'opprobrious'. (in terms opprobrious they mouth).

Page 76: 'Amevicanos' corrected to 'Americanos'. (Like lions caged _Americanos_ roar)

Page 80: 'nuending' corrected to 'unending' (With chicken fights unending).

Page 81: 'Democratric' corrected to 'Democratic' (A Democratic Wake)

Page 82: 'Louile' corrected to 'Luie'. (COUNT LUIE:).

Page 82: 'to' corrected to 'too'. (Philosophy were physic all too weak ...).

Page 82: 'Oreron' corrected to 'Obreon'. (SIR OBREON:)

Page 83: 'successe's' [sic].

Page 83: 'flesh-pets' corrected to 'flesh-pots'. (From out the flesh-pots ...).

Page 83: 'slaim' corrected to 'claim'. (Doth admiration claim from all the world.).

Page 84: 'Whem' corrected to 'When' (When our forebears did war a vandal host.).

Page 84: comma corrected to period. (And ne'er such innovation would approve.)

Page 86: 'dails' corrected to 'daily'. (... in the daily press.).