CHAPTER II

Thinking

[Illustration] "WHAT'S the row with old Li?"

"Give her a pinch, Thunder; she's half asleep."

"She's planning some fiendish trick, I bet."

We were at breakfast, and Honey, who was pouring out the coffee, looked across at me curiously after these remarks.

"She was talking in her sleep last night, and jumping about like a dancing doll; I expect the chestnuts gave her indigestion."

"Rubbish!" I said quickly. "If you had had the horrible dreams I had, you wouldn't feel very spry in the morning. It was awful; I didn't sleep a wink."

"Li is a wonder," said Pat admiringly; "she dreams wide awake, and eats her breakfast fast asleep."

I was about to retort angrily, when the door opened, and nurse appeared with Pixie. The seven years between him and Taters made him appear a perfect baby to us, and we all petted him accordingly. He was a pale, fragile little fellow, with a quaintness and courage all his own; but in spite of his old-fashioned talk, he was a thorough child.

"I want one of you young ladies to take Master Lionel out this morning; it's my busy day," announced nurse.

"All right; I'll take him," said I.

"Don't walk him off his legs, and bring him in before twelve o'clock."

Saying which, nurse departed; and we began to make our plans for the day. Pat and Doodle-doo were going out on their bicycles, Taters and Honey out shopping, and, after a little persuasion, Thunder said he would come to the common with Pixie and me. Our house was in a London suburb; but the common stretched away to green fields and lanes, and was a favourite resort of ours.

Pixie, as usual, was full of talk, and beguiled the way by his extraordinary questions and ideas.

It was a bright sunny morning, and wonderfully mild for the time of year; so when we arrived at the common, Thunder and I rested on one of the seats, whilst Pixie played about.

"I wonder when Pater will write and suggest a change of air for us!" grumbled Thunder. "We ought to go off to the sea or somewhere! I don't think I shall ever be the same again as I was before that rotten fever! I'm quite fagged out now with this bit of a walk!"

"Fancy if one of us had died!" I said lugubriously; for Thunder's remarks were never cheering, and I did not feel in a mood to comfort him. "You or I might have. If we had, I wonder what we should have been doing now?"

Thunder's black brows scowled. "You needn't have such dismal fancies!"

"Well, but," I persisted, "I half think I may be going to die; for I had such awful dreams last night! I can't help feeling they were warnings."

"What were they like?"

"I kept feeling myself in a pair of scales, and I couldn't make myself heavy enough to keep down—I would swing up in the air! I clutched hold of the sides of the scale, and pressed down with my whole weight, but it was no good, and all the time a voice kept repeating, like the tick of a clock, 'Weighed in the balances and found wanting! One thing thou lackest!' I woke up in an awful fright, and couldn't get to sleep for ages, and when I did, I dreamt again, that I was running for my life away from Miss Moffat, who, brandishing a red-hot poker close to my eyes, was shrieking out, 'One thing thou lackest!'"

Thunder laughed.

I added seriously, "We're a wicked lot, and I'm really and truly going to find out the one thing lacking with me. I won't stand another night like last night. What is it, Pixie?"

[Illustration: "DID HE SEE ME JUST NOW WHEN I WAS PLAYING?"]

He was standing before us with troubled eyes.

"Is God looking out of the sky this morning?"

"I suppose so," I said; "Why?"

"Did He see me just now, when I was playing at killing a snake?"

"What have you been doing?" I asked severely.

"I've cut one of God's dear little worms into two pieces! Will He be angry?"

"Go and stick them together again!" laughed Thunder.

But tears were very near the surface with Pixie, and clasping his hands, he went on—

"I was going to be 'such' a good boy to-day, and I didn't really mean to kill the little worm with my stick—it was too soft! Will God forgive me, do you think?"

"Of course He will," I said impatiently; "you didn't mean to do it." Then, with a change of tone, I said, "Will you go to heaven if you die, Pixie?"

He looked at me, then nodded. "Jesus loves Pixie, and Pixie wants to go to Him in heaven very much sometimes!"

He ran away to play, and I said with a sigh, "He has got what we haven't. I shouldn't go to heaven if I died; neither would you, old Thun! Fancy the difference between Pixie's conscience and ours, if he thinks cutting a worm in two an awful sin!"

Thunder remained silent for a little; then he said—

"Being religious won't suit you, Li; don't you try it! You could never keep up being a prig, if you started!"

"Look here!" I said warmly. "I don't intend being a prig; but if I like to turn religious I shall, and no one shall stop me!"

I jumped up from the seat, and started running races with Pixie, whilst Thunder whipped out a thrilling tale from his pocket, and sat on reading till it was time to go home. I laughed and talked my loudest for the rest of the day; but I was miserable. "One thing thou lackest," rang in my ears. And at last, after our evening meal was over, I slipped away from all the noise and laughter in the schoolroom, and went down to the dining-room, where a bright fire was blazing. Then, taking hold of a Bible I found there, I drew up a chair to the fire, and commenced studying the story of the young man who lacked the one thing.

"I suppose," I said to myself, "that his fault was not following Christ; but it must be awfully difficult to lead a good life! I suppose if I was to start I should have to say prayers half an hour long, and be always reading the Bible, which is so dry. I should have to give up all fun, and story-books, and fighting with the boys; and then they'd all hate me, and vote me a prig! Oh, I couldn't do it! It would be as dull as ditch water! Yet I do want, oh, I do want to be sure of heaven! I know I'm not right; I know I'm awfully wicked. If only God would turn me suddenly into a saint without any trouble on my part! I'm sure some people get converted like that. Yet I don't want to be a regular goody-goody; I despise them so—they're always so full of cant. I don't know what I want. I should like to be right with God, and not be so afraid of Him! This young man went away grieved, it says; he couldn't do it. I suppose I shouldn't have to give up riches to follow Christ, because I haven't any to give up; but I should have to give up other things quite as bad."

[Illustration: THEN, WITH A WHOOP AND A RUSH, IN TUMBLED DOODLE-DOO AND TATERS! IN AN INSTANT I WAS ON MY FEET; STUFFING THE BIBLE UNDER THE CUSHION OF MY CHAIR.]

And so I meditated, and at last such an overwhelming sense of my own wickedness and shortcomings came over me that I dropped on my knees, and put up the first real prayer in life, though perhaps it may sound a queer one.

"O God, I'll follow Christ, if You'll make it easy for me. I don't want to be turned into a goody person, but I do want to be right at the Judgment Day. I do want my sins forgiven, but don't let me have to give up all fun. And will You put me straight at once—to-night? I can't stop till to-morrow."

Then I waited for something to happen—some wonderful feeling to come over me; but it didn't come.

And then, with a whoop and a rush, in tumbled Doodle-doo and Taters!

In an instant I was on my feet; stuffing the Bible under the cushion of my chair.

"Aha! We've caught the truant! She looks quite guilty. Take hold of her legs, Taters, and I'll take her arms, and we'll find out what she's been doing!"

But I was not so easily caught, and for the next ten minutes we had a breathless chase through the house, until nurse held me fast.

"Miss Mary, I'm ashamed of you! Nearly fifteen, and romping like a boy! Go to the schoolroom and be quiet. You've woke Master Lionel out of his first sleep, and now he'll be restless for an hour or so. How I wish Fräulein were here!"

A wish poor nurse very often expressed!