Part 9
TRUE: Cast you the worst. He has sent for powder already, and what he will do with it, no man knows: perhaps blow up the corner of the house where he suspects you are. Here he comes; in quickly. [THRUSTS IN LA-FOOLE AND SHUTS THE DOOR.] I protest, sir John Daw, he is not this way: what will you do? before God, you shall hang no petard here. I'll die rather. Will you not take my word? I never knew one but would be satisfied.-- Sir Amorous, [SPEAKS THROUGH THE KEY-HOLE,] there's no standing out: He has made a petard of an old brass pot, to force your door. Think upon some satisfaction, or terms to offer him.
LA-F [WITHIN.]: Sir, I will give him any satisfaction: I dare give any terms.
TRUE: You'll leave it to me, then?
LA-F: Ay, sir. I'll stand to any conditions.
TRUE [BECKONING FORWARD CLERIMONT AND DAUPHINE.]: How now, what think you, sirs? were't not a difficult thing to determine which of these two fear'd most.
CLER: Yes, but this fears the bravest: the other a whiniling dastard, Jack Daw! But La-Foole, a brave heroic coward! and is afraid in a great look and a stout accent; I like him rarely.
TRUE: Had it not been pity these two should have been concealed?
CLER: Shall I make a motion?
TRUE: Briefly: For I must strike while 'tis hot.
CLER: Shall I go fetch the ladies to the catastrophe?
TRUE: Umph! ay, by my troth.
DAUP: By no mortal means. Let them continue in the state of ignorance, and err still; think them wits and fine fellows, as they have done. 'Twere sin to reform them.
TRUE: Well, I will have them fetch'd, now I think on't, for a private purpose of mine: do, Clerimont, fetch them, and discourse to them all that's past, and bring them into the gallery here.
DAUP: This is thy extreme vanity, now: thou think'st thou wert undone, if every jest thou mak'st were not publish'd.
TRUE: Thou shalt see how unjust thou art presently. Clerimont, say it was Dauphine's plot. [EXIT CLERIMONT.] Trust me not, if the whole drift be not for thy good. There is a carpet in the next room, put it on, with this scarf over thy face, and a cushion on thy head, and be ready when I call Amorous. Away! [EXIT DAUP.] John Daw! [GOES TO DAW'S CLOSET AND BRINGS HIM OUT.]
DAW: What good news, sir?
TRUE: Faith, I have followed and argued with him hard for you. I told him you were a knight, and a scholar, and that you knew fortitude did consist magis patiendo quam faciendo, magis ferendo quam feriendo.
DAW: It doth so indeed, sir.
TRUE: And that you would suffer, I told him: so at first he demanded by my troth, in my conceit, too much.
DAW: What was it, sir.
TRUE: Your upper lip, and six of your fore-teeth.
DAW: 'Twas unreasonable.
TRUE: Nay, I told him plainly, you could not spare them all. So after long argument pro et con as you know, I brought him down to your two butter-teeth, and them he would have.
DAW: O, did you so? Why, he shall have them.
TRUE: But he shall not, sir, by your leave. The conclusion is this, sir: because you shall be very good friends hereafter, and this never to be remembered or upbraided; besides, that he may not boast he has done any such thing to you in his own person: he is to come here in disguise, give you five kicks in private, sir, take your sword from you, and lock you up in that study during pleasure: which will be but a little while, we'll get it released presently.
DAW: Five kicks! he shall have six, sir, to be friends.
TRUE: Believe me, you shall not over-shoot yourself, to send him that word by me.
DAW: Deliver it, sir: he shall have it with all my heart, to be friends.
TRUE: Friends! Nay, an he should not be so, and heartily too, upon these terms, he shall have me to enemy while I live. Come, sir, bear it bravely.
DAW: O lord, sir, 'tis nothing.
TRUE: True: what's six kicks to a man that reads Seneca?
DAW: I have had a hundred, sir.
TRUE: Sir Amorous! [RE-ENTER DAUPHINE, DISGUISED.] No speaking one to another, or rehearsing old matters.
DAW [AS DAUPHINE KICKS HIM.]: One, two, three, four, five. I protest, sir Amorous, you shall have six.
TRUE: Nay, I told you, you should not talk. Come give him six, an he will needs. [DAUPHINE KICKS HIM AGAIN.] --Your sword. [TAKES HIS SWORD.] Now return to your safe custody: you shall presently meet afore the ladies, and be the dearest friends one to another. [PUTS DAW INTO THE STUDY.] --Give me the scarf now, thou shalt beat the other bare-faced. Stand by: [DAUPHINE RETIRES, AND TRUEWIT GOES TO THE OTHER CLOSET, AND RELEASES LA-FOOLE.] --Sir Amorous!
LA-F: What's here? A sword?
TRUE: I cannot help it, without I should take the quarrel upon myself. Here he has sent you his sword--
LA-F: I will receive none on't.
TRUE: And he wills you to fasten it against a wall, and break your head in some few several places against the hilts.
LA-F: I will not: tell him roundly. I cannot endure to shed my own blood.
TRUE: Will you not?
LA-F: No. I'll beat it against a fair flat wall, if that will satisfy him: if not, he shall beat it himself, for Amorous.
TRUE: Why, this is strange starting off, when a man undertakes for you! I offer'd him another condition; will you stand to that?
LA-F: Ay, what is't.
TRUE: That you will be beaten in private.
LA-F: Yes, I am content, at the blunt.
[ENTER, ABOVE, HAUGHTY, CENTAURE, MAVIS, MISTRESS OTTER, EPICOENE, AND TRUSTY.]
TRUE: Then you must submit yourself to be hoodwinked in this scarf, and be led to him, where he will take your sword from you, and make you bear a blow over the mouth, gules, and tweaks by the nose, sans nombre.
LA-F: I am content. But why must I be blinded?
TRUE: That's for your good, sir: because, if he should grow insolent upon this, and publish it hereafter to your disgrace, (which I hope he will not do,) you might swear safely, and protest, he never beat you, to your knowledge.
LA-F: O, I conceive.
TRUE: I do not doubt but you will be perfect good friends upon't, and not dare to utter an ill thought one of another in future.
LA-F: Not I, as God help me, of him.
TRUE: Nor he of you, sir. If he should [BLINDS HIS EYES.] --Come, sir. [LEADS HIM FORWARD.] --All hid, sir John.
[ENTER DAUPHINE, AND TWEAKS HIM BY THE NOSE.]
LA-F: O, sir John, sir John! Oh, o--o--o--o--o--Oh--
TRUE: Good, sir John, leave tweaking, you'll blow his nose off. 'Tis sir John's pleasure, you should retire into the study. [PUTS HIM UP AGAIN.] --Why, now you are friends. All bitterness between you, I hope, is buried; you shall come forth by and by, Damon and Pythias upon't, and embrace with all the rankness of friendship that can be. I trust, we shall have them tamer in their language hereafter. Dauphine, I worship thee.--Gods will the ladies have surprised us!
[ENTER HAUGHTY, CENTAURE, MAVIS, MISTRESS OTTER, EPICOENE, AND TRUSTY, BEHIND.]
HAU: Centaure, how our judgments were imposed on by these adulterate knights!
Nay, madam, Mavis was more deceived than we, 'twas her commendation utter'd them in the college.
MAV: I commended but their wits, madam, and their braveries. I never look'd toward their valours.
HAU: Sir Dauphine is valiant, and a wit too, it seems.
MAV: And a bravery too.
HAU: Was this his project?
MRS. OTT: So master Clerimont intimates, madam.
HAU: Good Morose, when you come to the college, will you bring him with you? he seems a very perfect gentleman.
EPI: He is so, madam, believe it.
CEN: But when will you come, Morose?
EPI: Three or four days hence, madam, when I have got me a coach and horses.
HAU: No, to-morrow, good Morose; Centaure shall send you her coach.
MAV: Yes faith, do, and bring sir Dauphine with you.
HAU: She has promised that, Mavis.
MAV: He is a very worthy gentleman in his exteriors, madam.
HAU: Ay, he shews he is judicial in his clothes.
CEN: And yet not so superlatively neat as some, madam, that have their faces set in a brake.
HAU: Ay, and have every hair in form!
MAV: That wear purer linen then ourselves, and profess more neatness than the French hermaphrodite!
EPI: Ay, ladies, they, what they tell one of us, have told a thousand; and are the only thieves of our fame: that think to take us with that perfume, or with that lace, and laugh at us unconscionably when they have done.
HAU: But, sir Dauphine's carelessness becomes him.
CEN: I could love a man for such a nose.
MAV: Or such a leg!
CEN: He has an exceeding good eye, madam.
MAV: And a very good lock.
CEN: Good Morose, bring him to my chamber first.
MRS. OTT: Please your honours to meet at my house, madam.
TRUE: See how they eye thee, man! they are taken, I warrant thee.
[HAUGHTY COMES FORWARD.]
HAU: You have unbraced our brace of knights here, master Truewit.
TRUE: Not I, madam; it was sir Dauphine's ingine: who, if he have disfurnish'd your ladyship of any guard or service by it, is able to make the place good again, in himself.
HAU: There is no suspicion of that, sir.
CEN: God so, Mavis, Haughty is kissing.
MAV: Let us go too, and take part.
[THEY COME FORWARD.]
HAU: But I am glad of the fortune (beside the discovery of two such empty caskets) to gain the knowledge of so rich a mine of virtue as sir Dauphine.
CEN: We would be all glad to style him of our friendship, and see him at the college.
MAV: He cannot mix with a sweeter society, I'll prophesy; and I hope he himself will think so.
DAUP: I should be rude to imagine otherwise, lady.
TRUE: Did not I tell thee, Dauphine? Why, all their actions are governed by crude opinion, without reason or cause; they know not why they do any thing: but, as they are inform'd, believe, judge, praise, condemn, love, hate, and in emulation one of another, do all these things alike. Only they have a natural inclination sways them generally to the worst, when they are left to themselves. But pursue it, now thou hast them.
HAU: Shall we go in again, Morose?
EPI: Yes, madam.
CEN: We'll entreat sir Dauphine's company.
TRUE: Stay, good madam, the interview of the two friends, Pylades and Orestes: I'll fetch them out to you straight.
HAU: Will you, master Truewit?
DAUP: Ay, but noble ladies, do not confess in your countenance, or outward bearing to them, any discovery of their follies, that we may see how they will bear up again, with what assurance and erection.
HAU: We will not, sir Dauphine.
CEN. MAV: Upon our honours, sir Dauphine.
TRUE [GOES TO THE FIRST CLOSET.]: Sir Amorous, sir Amorous! The ladies are here.
LA-F [WITHIN.]: Are they?
TRUE: Yes; but slip out by and by, as their backs are turn'd, and meet sir John here, as by chance, when I call you. [goes to the other.] --Jack Daw.
DAW: What say you, sir?
TRUE: Whip out behind me suddenly, and no anger in your looks to your adversary. Now, now!
[LA-FOOLE AND DAW SLIP OUT OF THEIR RESPECTIVE CLOSETS, AND SALUTE EACH OTHER.]
LA-F: Noble sir John Daw, where have you been?
DAW: To seek you, sir Amorous.
LA-F: Me! I honour you.
DAW: I prevent you, sir.
CLER: They have forgot their rapiers.
TRUE: O, they meet in peace, man.
DAUP: Where's your sword, sir John?
CLER: And yours, sir Amorous?
DAW: Mine! my boy had it forth to mend the handle, e'en now.
LA-F: And my gold handle was broke too, and my boy had it forth.
DAUP: Indeed, sir!--How their excuses meet!
CLER: What a consent there is in the handles!
TRUE: Nay, there is so in the points too, I warrant you.
[ENTER MOROSE, WITH THE TWO SWORDS, DRAWN IN HIS HANDS.]
MRS. OTT: O me! madam, he comes again, the madman! Away!
[LADIES, DAW, AND LA-FOOLE, RUN OFF.]
MOR: What make these naked weapons here, gentlemen?
TRUE: O sir! here hath like to have been murder since you went; a couple of knights fallen out about the bride's favours! We were fain to take away their weapons; your house had been begg'd by this time else.
MOR: For what?
CLER: For manslaughter, sir, as being accessary.
MOR: And for her favours?
TRUE: Ay, sir, heretofore, not present--Clerimont, carry them their swords, now. They have done all the hurt they will do.
[EXIT CLER. WITH THE TWO SWORDS.]
DAUP: Have you spoke with the lawyer, sir?
MOR: O, no! there is such a noise in the court, that they have frighted me home with more violence then I went! such speaking and counter-speaking, with their several voices of citations, appellations, allegations, certificates, attachments, intergatories, references, convictions, and afflictions indeed, among the doctors and proctors, that the noise here is silence to't! a kind of calm midnight!
TRUE: Why, sir, if you would be resolved indeed, I can bring you hither a very sufficient lawyer, and a learned divine, that shall enquire into every least scruple for you.
MOR: Can you, master Truewit?
TRUE: Yes, and are very sober, grave persons, that will dispatch it in a chamber, with a whisper or two.
MOR: Good sir, shall I hope this benefit from you, and trust myself into your hands?
TRUE: Alas, sir! your nephew and I have been ashamed and oft-times mad, since you went, to think how you are abused. Go in, good sir, and lock yourself up till we call you; we'll tell you more anon, sir.
MOR: Do your pleasure with me gentlemen; I believe in you: and that deserves no delusion.
[EXIT.]
TRUE: You shall find none, sir: but heap'd, heap'd plenty of vexation.
DAUP: What wilt thou do now, Wit?
TRUE: Recover me hither Otter and the barber, if you can, by any means, presently.
DAUP: Why? to what purpose?
TRUE: O, I'll make the deepest divine, and gravest lawyer, out of them two for him--
DAUP: Thou canst not, man; these are waking dreams.
TRUE: Do not fear me. Clap but a civil gown with a welt on the one; and a canonical cloak with sleeves on the other: and give them a few terms in their mouths, if there come not forth as able a doctor, and complete a parson, for this turn, as may be wish'd, trust not my election: and, I hope, without wronging the dignity of either profession, since they are but persons put on, and for mirth's sake, to torment him. The barber smatters Latin, I remember.
DAUP: Yes, and Otter too.
TRUE: Well then, if I make them not wrangle out this case to his no comfort, let me be thought a Jack Daw or La-Foole or anything worse. Go you to your ladies, but first send for them.
DAUP: I will.
[EXEUNT.]
ACT 5.
SCENE 5.1.
A ROOM IN MOROSE'S HOUSE.
ENTER LA-FOOLE, CLERIMONT, AND DAW.
LA-F: Where had you our swords, master Clerimont?
CLER: Why, Dauphine took them from the madman.
LA-F: And he took them from our boys, I warrant you.
CLER: Very like, sir.
LA-F: Thank you, good master Clerimont. Sir John Daw and I are both beholden to you.
CLER: Would I knew how to make you so, gentlemen!
DAW: Sir Amorous and I are your servants, sir.
[ENTER MAVIS.]
MAV: Gentlemen, have any of you a pen and ink? I would fain write out a riddle in Italian, for sir Dauphine, to translate.
CLER: Not I, in troth lady; I am no scrivener.
DAW: I can furnish you, I think, lady.
[EXEUNT DAW AND MAVIS.]
CLER: He has it in the haft of a knife, I believe.
LA-F: No, he has his box of instruments.
CLER: Like a surgeon!
LA-F: For the mathematics: his square, his compasses, his brass pens, and black-lead, to draw maps of every place and person where he comes.
CLER: How, maps of persons!
LA-F: Yes, sir, of Nomentack when he was here, and of the Prince of Moldavia, and of his mistress, mistress Epicoene.
[RE-ENTER DAW.]
CLER: Away! he hath not found out her latitude, I hope.
LA-F: You are a pleasant gentleman, sir.
CLER: Faith, now we are in private, let's wanton it a little, and talk waggishly.--Sir John, I am telling sir Amorous here, that you two govern the ladies wherever you come; you carry the feminine gender afore you.
DAW: They shall rather carry us afore them, if they will, sir.
CLER: Nay, I believe that they do, withal--but that you are the prime men in their affections, and direct all their actions--
DAW: Not I: sir Amorous is.
LA-F: I protest, sir John is.
DAW: As I hope to rise in the state, sir Amorous, you have the person.
LA-F: Sir John, you have the person, and the discourse too.
DAW: Not I, sir. I have no discourse--and then you have activity beside.
LA-F: I protest, sir John, you come as high from Tripoly as I do, every whit: and lift as many join'd stools, and leap over them, if you would use it.
CLER: Well, agree on't together knights; for between you, you divide the kingdom or commonwealth of ladies' affections: I see it, and can perceive a little how they observe you, and fear you, indeed. You could tell strange stories, my masters, if you would, I know.
DAW: Faith, we have seen somewhat, sir.
LA-F: That we have--velvet petticoats, and wrought smocks, or so.
DAW: Ay, and--
CLER: Nay, out with it, sir John: do not envy your friend the pleasure of hearing, when you have had the delight of tasting.
DAW: Why--a--do you speak, sir Amorous.
LA-F: No, do you, sir John Daw.
DAW: I'faith, you shall.
LA-F: I'faith, you shall.
DAW: Why, we have been--
LA-F: In the great bed at Ware together in our time. On, sir John.
DAW: Nay, do you, sir Amorous.
CLER: And these ladies with you, knights?
LA-F: No, excuse us, sir.
DAW: We must not wound reputation.
LA-F: No matter--they were these, or others. Our bath cost us fifteen pound when we came home.
CLER: Do you hear, sir John? You shall tell me but one thing truly, as you love me.
DAW: If I can, I will, sir.
CLER: You lay in the same house with the bride, here?
DAW: Yes, and conversed with her hourly, sir.
CLER: And what humour is she of? Is she coming, and open, free?
DAW: O, exceeding open, sir. I was her servant, and sir Amorous was to be.
CLER: Come, you have both had favours from her: I know, and have heard so much.
DAW: O no, sir.
LA-F: You shall excuse us, sir: we must not wound reputation.
CLER: Tut, she is married now, and you cannot hurt her with any report; and therefore speak plainly: how many times, i'faith? which of you led first? ha!
LA-F: Sir John had her maidenhead, indeed.
DAW: O, it pleases him to say so, sir, but sir Amorous knows what is what, as well.
CLER: Dost thou i'faith, Amorous?
LA-F: In a manner, sir.
CLER: Why, I commend you lads. Little knows don Bridegroom of this. Nor shall he, for me.
DAW: Hang him, mad ox!
CLER: Speak softly: here comes his nephew, with the lady Haughty. He'll get the ladies from you, sirs, if you look not to him in time.
LA-F: Why, if he do, we'll fetch them home again, I warrant you.
[EXIT WITH DAW. CLER. WALKS ASIDE.]
[ENTER DAUPHINE AND HAUGHTY.]
HAU: I assure you, sir Dauphine, it is the price and estimation of your virtue only, that hath embark'd me to this adventure; and I could not but make out to tell you so; nor can I repent me of the act, since it is always an argument of some virtue in our selves, that we love and affect it so in others.
DAUP: Your ladyship sets too high a price on my weakness.
HAU: Sir, I can distinguish gems from pebbles--
DAUP [ASIDE.]: Are you so skilful in stones?
HAU: And howsover I may suffer in such a judgment as yours, by admitting equality of rank or society with Centaure or Mavis--
DAUP: You do not, madam; I perceive they are your mere foils.
HAU: Then, are you a friend to truth, sir; it makes me love you the more. It is not the outward, but the inward man that I affect. They are not apprehensive of an eminent perfection, but love flat, and dully.
CEN [within.]: Where are you, my lady Haughty?
HAU: I come presently, Centaure.--My chamber, sir, my page shall shew you; and Trusty, my woman, shall be ever awake for you: you need not fear to communicate any thing with her, for she is a Fidelia. I pray you wear this jewel for my sake, sir Dauphine.-- [ENTER CENTAURE.] Where is Mavis, Centaure?
CEN: Within, madam, a writing. I'll follow you presently: [EXIT HAU.] I'll but speak a word with sir Dauphine.
DAUP: With me, madam?
CEN: Good sir Dauphine, do not trust Haughty, nor make any credit to her, whatever you do besides. Sir Dauphine, I give you this caution, she is a perfect courtier, and loves nobody but for her uses: and for her uses she loves all. Besides, her physicians give her out to be none o' the clearest, whether she pay them or no, heaven knows: and she's above fifty too, and pargets! See her in a forenoon. Here comes Mavis, a worse face then she! you would not like this, by candle-light. [RE-ENTER MAVIS.] If you'll come to my chamber one o' these mornings early, or late in an evening, I will tell you more. Where's Haughty, Mavis?
MAV: Within, Centaure.
CEN: What have you, there?
MAV: An Italian riddle for sir Dauphine,--you shall not see it i'faith, Centaure.-- [EXIT CEN.] Good sir Dauphine, solve it for me. I'll call for it anon.
[EXIT.]
CLER [COMING FORWARD.]: How now, Dauphine! how dost thou quit thyself of these females?
DAUP: 'Slight, they haunt me like fairies, and give me jewels here; I cannot be rid of them.
CLER: O, you must not tell though.
DAUP: Mass, I forgot that: I was never so assaulted. One loves for virtue, and bribes me with this; [SHEWS THE JEWEL.] --another loves me with caution, and so would possess me; a third brings me a riddle here: and all are jealous: and rail each at other.
CLER: A riddle! pray let me see it. [READS.] Sir Dauphine, I chose this way of intimation for privacy. The ladies here, I know, have both hope and purpose to make a collegiate and servant of you. If I might be so honoured, as to appear at any end of so noble a work, I would enter into a fame of taking physic to-morrow, and continue it four or five days, or longer, for your visitation. Mavis. By my faith, a subtle one! Call you this a riddle? what's their plain dealing, trow?
DAUP: We lack Truewit to tell us that.
CLER: We lack him for somewhat else too: his knights reformadoes are wound up as high and insolent as ever they were.
DAUP: You jest.