Part 1

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Library Edition

THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA

In Ten Volumes

VOL. I

[Illustration: MARSHALL P. WILDER Drawing from photo by Marceau]

THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA

EDITED BY MARSHALL P. WILDER

_Volume I_

Funk & Wagnalls Company New York and London

Copyright MDCCCCVII, BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY Copyright MDCCCCXI, THE THWING COMPANY

CONTENTS

PAGE Anatole Dubois at de Horse Show Wallace Bruce Amsbary 152 Billville Spirit Meeting, The Frank L. Stanton 188 British Matron, The Nathaniel Hawthorne 192 Champion Checker-Player of Ameriky, The James Whitcomb Riley 156 Colonel Sterett's Panther Hunt Alfred Henry Lewis 98 Cry from the Consumer, A Wilbur D. Nesbit 190 Curse of the Competent, The Henry J. Finn 14 Darby and Joan St. John Honeywood 166 Day We Do Not Celebrate, The Robert J. Burdette 134 Deacon's Masterpiece, The; or, The Wonderful "One-Hoss Shay" O.W. Holmes 9 Deacon's Trout, The Henry Ward Beecher 212 Disappointment, A John Boyle O'Reilly 191 Distichs John Hay 65 Down Around the River James Whitcomb Riley 29 Enough Tom Masson 213 Experiences of the A.C., The Bayard Taylor 116 Feast of the Monkeys, The John Philip Sousa 183 Fighting Race, The Joseph I.C. Clarke 214 Grammatical Boy, The Bill Nye 16 Grizzly-Gru Ironquill 174 John Henry in a Street Car Hugh McHugh 177 Laffing Josh Billings 171 Letter from Mr. Biggs, A E.W. Howe 69 Medieval Discoverer, A Bill Nye 31 Melons Bret Harte 1 Menagerie, The William Vaughn Moody 24 Mrs. Johnson William Dean Howells 74 Muskeeter, The Josh Billings 181 My Grandmother's Turkey-Tail Fan Samuel Minturn Peck 219 Myopia Wallace Rice 151 Odyssey of K's, An Wilbur D. Nesbit 209 Old Maid's House, The: In Plan Elizabeth Stuart Phelps 60 Organ, The Henry Ward Beecher 217 Partingtonian Patchwork B.P. Shillaber 20 Pass Ironquill 91 Pettibone Lineage, The James T. Fields 196 Psalm of Life, A Phoebe Cary 207 Purple Cow, The Gelett Burgess 13 Quarrel, The S.E. Kiser 68 Similar Cases Charlotte Perkins Gilman 56 Simple English Ray Clarke Rose 19 Spelling Down the Master Edward Eggleston 138 Stage Whispers Carolyn Wells 195 Teaching by Example John G. Saxe 91 Tragedy of It, The Alden Charles Noble 194 Turnings of a Bookworm, The Carolyn Wells 182 Wanted--A Cook Alan Dale 35 What Mr. Robinson Thinks James Russell Lowell 131 When Albani Sang William Henry Drummond 92 When the Frost is on the Punkin James Whitcomb Riley 169 Why Moles Have Hands Anne Virginia Culbertson 202 Wouter Van Twiller Washington Irving 109 Yankee Dude'll Do, The S.E. Kiser 136

COMPLETE INDEX AT END OF VOLUME X.

FOREWORD

EMBODYING A FEW REMARKS ON THE GENTLE ART OF LAUGH-MAKING.

BY MARSHALL P. WILDER.

Happiness and laughter are two of the most beautiful things in the world, for they are of the few that are purely unselfish. Laughter is not for yourself, but for others. When people are happy they present a cheerful spirit, which finds its reflection in every one they meet, for happiness is as contagious as a yawn. Of all the emotions, laughter is the most versatile, for it plays equally well the role of either parent or child to happiness.

Then can we say too much in praise of the men who make us laugh? God never gave a man a greater gift than the power to make others laugh, unless it is the privilege of laughing himself. We honor, revere, admire our great soldiers, statesmen, and men of letters, but we love the man who makes us laugh.

No other man to-day enjoys to such an extent the close personal affection, individual yet national, that is given to Mr. Samuel L. Clemens. He is ours, he is one of us, we have a personal pride in him--dear "Mark Twain," the beloved child of the American nation. And it was through our laughter that he won our love.

He is the exponent of the typically American style of fun-making, the humorous story. I asked Mr. Clemens one day if he could remember the first money he ever earned. With his inimitable drawl he said:

"Yes, Marsh, it was at school. All boys had the habit of going to school in those days, and they hadn't any more respect for the desks than they had for the teachers. There was a rule in our school that any boy marring his desk, either with pencil or knife, would be chastised publicly before the whole school, or pay a fine of five dollars. Besides the rule, there was a ruler; I knew it because I had felt it; it was a darned hard one, too. One day I had to tell my father that I had broken the rule, and had to pay a fine or take a public whipping; and he said:

"'Sam, it would be too bad to have the name of Clemens disgraced before the whole school, so I'll pay the fine. But I don't want you to lose anything, so come upstairs.'

"I went upstairs with father, and he was for-_giving_ me. I came downstairs with the feeling in one hand and the five dollars in the other, and decided that as I'd been punished once, and got used to it, I wouldn't mind taking the other licking at school. So I did, and I kept the five dollars. That was the first money I ever earned."

The humorous story as expounded by Mark Twain, Artemus Ward, and Robert J. Burdette, is purely American. Artemus Ward could get laughs out of nothing, by mixing the absurd and the unexpected, and then backing the combination with a solemn face and earnest manner. For instance, he was fond of such incongruous statements as: "I once knew a man in New Zealand who hadn't a tooth in his head," here he would pause for some time, look reminiscent, and continue: "and yet he could beat a base-drum better than any man I ever knew."

Robert J. Burdette, who wrote columns of capital humor for _The Burlington Hawkeye_ and told stories superbly, on his first visit to New York was spirited to a notable club, where he told stories leisurely until half the hearers ached with laughter, and the other half were threatened with apoplexy. Everyone present declared it the red-letter night of the club, and members who had missed it came around and demanded the stories at secondhand. Some efforts were made to oblige them, but without avail, for the tellers had twisted their recollections of the stories into jokes, and they didn't sound right, so a committee hunted the town for Burdette to help them out of their difficulty.

Humor is the kindliest method of laugh-making. Wit and satire are ancient, but humor, it has been claimed, belongs to modern times. A certain type of story, having a sudden and terse conclusion to a direct statement, has been labeled purely American. For instance: "Willie Jones loaded and fired a cannon yesterday. The funeral will be to-morrow." But the truth is, it is older than America; it is very venerable. If you will turn to the twelfth verse of the sixteenth chapter of II. Chronicles, you will read:

"And Asa in the thirty-ninth year of his reign was diseased in his feet, until his disease was exceeding great; yet in his disease he sought not the Lord, but turned to the physicians--and Asa slept with his fathers."

Bill Nye was a sturdy and persistent humorist of so good a sort that he never could help being humorous, yet there was never a sting in his jokes. Gentle raillery was the severest thing he ever attempted, and even this he did with so genial a smile and so merry an eye, that a word of his friendly chaffing was worth more than any amount of formal praise.

Few of the great world's great despatches contained so much wisdom in so few words as Nye's historic wire from Washington:

"My friends and money gave out at 3 A.M."

Eugene Field, the lover of little children, and the self-confessed bibliomaniac, gives us still another sort of laugh--the tender, indulgent sort. Nothing could be finer than the gentle reminiscence of "Long Ago," a picture of the lost kingdom of boyhood, which for all its lightness holds a pathos that clutches one in the throat.

And yet this writer of delicate and subtle humor, this master of tender verse, had a keen and nimble wit. An ambitious poet once sent him a poem to read entitled "Why do I live?" and Field immediately wrote back: "Because you sent your poem by mail."

Laughter is one of the best medicines in the world, and though some people would make you force it down with a spoon, there is no doubt that it is a splendid tonic and awakens the appetite for happiness.

Colonel Ingersoll wrote on his photograph which adorns my home: "To the man who knows that mirth is medicine and laughter lengthens life."

Abraham Lincoln, that divinely tender man, believed that fun was an intellectual impetus, for he read Artemus Ward to his Cabinet before reading his famous emancipation proclamation, and laying down his book marked the place to resume.

Joel Chandler Harris, whose delightful stories of negro life hold such a high place in American literature, told me a story of an old negro who claimed that a sense of humor was necessary to happiness in married life. He said:

"I met a poor old darkey one day, pushing a wheelbarrow loaded with cooking utensils and household effects. Seeing me looking curiously at him, he shook his head and said:

"'I cain't stand her no longer, boss, I jes' nash'ully cain't stand her no longer.'

"'What's the matter, uncle?' I inquired.

"'Well, you see, suh, she ain't got no idee o' fun--she won't take a joke nohow. The other night I went home, an' I been takin' a little jes' to waam ma heart--das all, jes to waam ma heart--an' I got to de fence, an' tried to climb it. I got on de top, an' thar I stays; I couldn't git one way or t'other. Then a gem'en comes along, an' I says, "Would you min' givin' me a push?" He says, "Which way you want to go?" I says, "Either way--don't make no dif'unce, jes' so I git off de fence, for hit's pow'ful oncom'fable up yer." So he give me a push, an' sont me over to'ard ma side, an' I went home. Then I want sum'in t' eat, an' my ol' 'ooman she wouldn' git it fo' me, an' so, jes' fo' a joke, das all--jes' a joke, I hit 'er awn de haid. But would you believe it, she couldn't take a joke. She tu'n aroun', an' sir, she sail inter me sum'in' scan'lous! I didn' do nothin', 'cause I feelin' kind o'weak jes' then--an' so I made up ma min' I wasn' goin' to stay with her. Dis mawnin' she gone out washin', an' I jes' move right out. Hit's no use tryin' to live with a 'ooman who cain't take a joke!'"

From the poems of Thomas Bailey Aldrich to George Ade's Fables in Slang is a far cry, but one is as typical a style of humor as the other. Ade's is the more distinctly original, for he not only created the style, but another language. The aptness of its turns, and the marvelous way in which he hit the bull's-eye of human foibles and weaknesses lifted him into instantaneous popularity. A famous _bon mot_ of George Ade's which has been quoted threadbare, but which serves excellently to illustrate his native wit, is his remark about a suit of clothes which the tailor assured him he could _never_ wear out. He said when he put them on he didn't _dare_ to.

From the laughter-makers pure and simple, we come to those who, while acknowledging the cloud, yet see the silver lining--the exponents of the smile through tears.

The best of these, Frank L. Stanton, has beautifully said:

"This world that we're a-livin' in Is mighty hard to beat; With every rose you get a thorn, But ain't the roses sweet?"

He does not deny the thorns, but calls attention to the sweetness of the roses--a gospel of compensation that speaks to the heart of all; kind words of cheer to the weary traveler.

Such a philosopher was the kind-hearted and sympathetic Irish boy who, walking along with the parish priest, met a weary organ-grinder, who asked how far it was to the next town. The boy answered, "Four miles." The priest remonstrated:

"Why, Mike, how can you deceive him so? You know it is eight."

"Well, your riverence," said the good-natured fellow, "I saw how tired he was, and I wanted to kape his courage up. If I'd told him the truth, he'd have been down-hearted intirely!"

This is really a jolly old world, and people are very apt to find just what they are looking for. If they are looking for happiness, the best way to find it is to try to give it to others. If a man goes around with a face as long as a wet day, perfectly certain that he is going to be kicked, he is seldom disappointed.

A typical exponent of the tenderly human, the tearfully humorous, is James Whitcomb Riley--a name to conjure with. Only mention it to anyone, and note the spark of interest, the smiling sigh, the air of gentle retrospection into which he will fall. There is a poem for each and every one, that commends itself for some special reason, and holds such power of memory or sentiment as sends it straight into the heart, to remain there treasured and unforgotten.

In these volumes are selections from the pen of all whom I have mentioned, as well as many more, including a number by the clever women humorists, of whom America is justly proud.

It is with pride and pleasure that I acknowledge the honor done me in being asked to introduce this company of fun-makers--such a goodly number that space permits the mention of but a few. But we cannot have too much or even enough of anything so good or so necessary as the literature that makes us laugh. In that regard we are like a little friend of Mr. Riley's.

The Hoosier poet, as everyone knows, is the devoted friend, companion, and singer of children. He has a habit of taking them on wild orgies where they are turned loose in a candy store and told to do their worst. This particular young lady had been allowed to choose all the sorts of candy she liked until her mouth, both arms, and her pockets were full. Just as they got to the door to go out, she hung back, and when Mr. Riley stooped over asking her what was the matter, she whispered:

"Don't you think it smells like ice cream?"

Poems, stories, humorous articles, fables, and fairy tales are offered for your choice, with subjects as diverse as the styles; but however the laugh is gained, in whatever fashion the jest is delivered, the laugh-maker is a public benefactor, for laughter is the salt of life, and keeps the whole dish sweet.

Merrily yours, MARSHALL P. WILDER.

ATLANTIC CITY, 1908.

ACKNOWLEDGMENT

Acknowledgment is due to the following publishers, whose permission was cordially granted to reprint selections which appear in this collection of American humor.

AINSLEE'S MAGAZINE for "Not According to Schedule," by Mary Stewart Cutting.

THE HENRY ALTEMUS COMPANY for "The New Version," by William J. Lampton.

THE AMERICAN PUBLISHING COMPANY for "How We Bought a Sewin' Machine and Organ," from _Josiah Allen's Wife as a P.A. and P.I._, by Marietta Holley.

D. APPLETON & COMPANY for "The Recruit," from _With the Band_, by Robert W. Chambers.

E.H. BACON & COMPANY for "The V-a-s-e" and "A Concord Love-Song," from _The V-a-s-e and Other Bric-a-Brac_, by James Jeffrey Roche.

THE H.M. CALDWELL COMPANY for "Yes" and "Disappointment," from _In Bohemia_, by John Boyle O'Reilly.

THE COLVER PUBLISHING HOUSE for "The Crimson Cord," by Ellis Parker Butler, and "A Ballade of the 'How to' Books," by John James Davies, from _The American Illustrated Magazine_.

THE CROWELL PUBLISHING COMPANY for "Familiar Authors at Work," by Hayden Carruth, from _The Woman's Home Companion_.

THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANY for "The Love Sonnets of a Husband," by Maurice Smiley, and "Cheer for the Consumer," by Nixon Waterman, from _The Saturday Evening Post_.

DEWOLFE, FISKE & COMPANY for "Grandma Keeler Gets Grandpa Ready for Sunday-School," from _Cape Cod Folks_, by Sarah P. McLean Greene.

DICK & FITZGERALD for "The Thompson Street Poker Club," from _The Thompson Street Poker Club_, by Henry Guy Carleton.

G.W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY for "The Tower of London" and "Science and Natural History," by Charles Farrar Browne ("Artemus Ward"); "The Musketeer," from _Farmer's Alminax_, and "Laffing," from _Josh Billings: His Works_, by Henry W. Shaw ("Josh Billings"); and for "John Henry in a Street Car," from _John Henry_, by George V. Hobart ("Hugh McHugh").

DODD, MEAD & COMPANY for "The Rhyme of the Chivalrous Shark," "The Forbearance of the Admiral," "The Dutiful Mariner," "The Meditations of a Mariner" and "The Boat that Ain't," from _Nautical Lays of a Landsman_, by Wallace Irwin.

THE DUQUESNE DISTRIBUTING COMPANY for "The Grand Opera," from _Billy Baxter's Letters_, by William J. Kountz, Jr.

PAUL ELDER & COMPANY for Sonnets I, VIII, IX, XII, XIV, XXI, from _The Love Sonnets of a Hoodlum_, by Wallace Irwin.

EVERYBODY'S MAGAZINE for "The Strike of One," by Elliott Flower; "The Wolf's Holiday," by Caroline Duer; "A Mother of Four," by Juliet Wilbor Tompkins; "The Weddin'," by Jennie Betts Hartswick, and "A Double-Dyed Deceiver," by Sydney Porter ("O. Henry").

THE FEDERAL BOOK COMPANY for "Budge and Toddie," from _Helen's Babies_, by John Habberton.

FORDS, HOWARD & HURLBURT, for "The Deacon's Trout," from _Norwood_, by Henry Ward Beecher.

FOX, DUFFIELD & COMPANY for "The Paintermine," "The Octopussycat," "The Welsh Rabbittern," "The Bumblebeaver," "The Wild Boarder," from _Mixed Beasts_, by Kenyon Cox; "The Lost Inventor," "Niagara Be Dammed," "The Ballad of Grizzly Gulch," "A Letter from Home," "Crankidoxology" and "Fall Styles in Faces," from _At the Sign of the Dollar_, by Wallace Irwin, and a selection from _The Golfer's Rubaiyat_, by Henry W. Boynton.

THE HARVARD LAMPOON for "A Lay of Ancient Rome," by Thomas Ybarra.

HENRY HOLT & COMPANY for "Araminta and the Automobile," from _Cheerful Americans_, by Charles Battell Loomis.

HOUGHTON, MIFFLIN & COMPANY for "A Letter from Mr. Biggs," from _The Story of a Country Town_, by E.W. Howe; "The Notary of Perigueux," from _Outre-Mer_, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow; "A Nautical Ballad," from _Davy and the Goblin_, by Charles E. Carryl; "The Spring Beauties," from _The Ride to the Lady_, by Helen Avery Cone; "Praise-God Barebones," from _Songs and Lyrics_, by Ellen M. Hutchinson-Cortissoz; "Fable," from _Poems_, by Ralph Waldo Emerson; "The Owl Critic" and "Cæsar's Quiet Lunch with Cicero," from _Ballads and Other Poems_, by James T. Fields; "The Menagerie," from _Poems_, by William Vaughn Moody; "The Briefless Barrister," "Comic Miseries," "A Reflective Retrospect," "How the Money Goes," "The Coquette," "Icarus," "Teaching by Example," from _Poems_, by John Godfrey Saxe; "My Honey, My Love," by Joel Chandler Harris; "Banty Tim," "The Mystery of Gilgal" and "Distichs," from _Poems_, by John Hay; "The Deacon's Masterpiece, or The Wonderful One Hoss Shay," "The Height of the Ridiculous," "Evening, By a Tailor," "Latter Day Warnings," and "Contentment," from _Poems_, by Oliver Wendell Holmes; two selections from _The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table_, by Oliver Wendell Holmes, and "Dislikes," from _The Poet at the Breakfast Table_, by Oliver Wendell Holmes; "Plain Language from Truthful James," and "The Society Upon the Stanislaus," from _Poems_, by Bret Harte; "Melons," from _Mrs. Skaggs' Husbands and Other Sketches_, by Bret Harte; "The Courtin'," "A Letter from Mr. Ezekiel Biglow" and "What Mr. Robinson Thinks," from _Poems_, by James Russell Lowell; "The Chief Mate," from _Fireside Travels_, by James Russell Lowell; "A Night in a Rocking Chair" and "A Rival Entertainment," from _Haphazard_, by Kate Field; "Mrs. Johnson," from _Suburban Sketches_, by William Dean Howells; "Garden Ethics," from _My Summer in a Garden_, by Charles Dudley Warner; "Our Nearest Neighbor," from _Marjorie Daw and Other Stories_, by Thomas Bailey Aldrich; "Simon Starts in the World" (J.J. Hooper), "The Duluth Speech" (J. Proctor Knott), "Bill Arp on Litigation" (C.H. Smith), "Assault and Battery" (J.G. Baldwin), "How Ruby Played" (G.W. Bagby), from _Oddities of Southern Life_, edited by Henry Watterson; "The Demon of the Study," from _Poems_, by John Greenleaf Whittier; "The Old Maid's House: in Plan," from _An Old Maid's Paradise_, by Elizabeth Stuart Phelps; "Dum Vivimus Vigilamus," "What She Said About It," "Dictum Sapienti," "The Lost Word" and "Abou Ben Butler," from _Poems_, by Charles Henry Webb ("John Paul"); "Chad's Story of the Goose" and "Colonel Carter's Story of the Postmaster," from _Colonel Carter of Cartersville_, by F. Hopkinson Smith; "The British Matron," from _Our Old Home_, by Nathaniel Hawthorne; "As Good as a Play," from _Stories from My Attic_, by Horace E. Scudder; "The Pettibone Lineage," by James T. Fields; "The Experiences of the A.C.," by Bayard Taylor; "Eve's Daughter," by Edward Rowland Sill, and "The Diamond Wedding," by Edmund Clarence Stedman.

WILLIAM R. JENKINS for "It Is Time to Begin to Conclude," from _Soldier Songs and Love Songs_, by Alexander H. Laidlaw.

JOHN LANE COMPANY for "The Invisible Prince," from _Comedies and Errors_, by Henry Harland.

LIFE PUBLISHING COMPANY for "Hard," "Enough" and "Desolation," from _In Merry Measure_, by Tom Masson; "A Branch Library" and "Table Manners," from _Tomfoolery_, by James Montgomery Flagg; "The Sonnet of the Lovable Lass and the Plethoric Dad," by J.W. Foley; "Thoughts for an Easter Morning," by Wallace Irwin; "Suppressed Chapters," by Carolyn Wells; "The Conscientious Curate and the Beauteous Ballad Girl," by William Russell Rose, and "A Poe-'em of Passion," by Charles F. Lummis.

LIPPINCOTT'S MAGAZINE for "The Modern Farmer," by Jack Appleton; "The Wicked Zebra" and "The Happy Land," by Frank Roe Batchelder; "A Mothers' Meeting," by Madeline Bridges; "The Final Choice" and "A Daniel Come to Judgment," by Edmund Vance Cooke; "The Co-operative Housekeepers" and "Her 'Angel' Father," by Elliott Flower; "Wasted Opportunities," by Roy Farrell Greene; "The Auto Rubaiyat," by Reginald W. Kauffman; "It Pays to be Happy" and "Victory," by Tom Masson; "Is It I?" by Warwick S. Price; "Johnny's Lessons," by Carroll Watson Rankin; "Her Brother: Enfant Terrible" and "Trouble-Proof," by E.L. Sabin; "A Bookworm's Plaint," by Clinton Scollard; "Nothin' Done," by S.S. Stinson, and "Uncle Bentley and the Roosters," by Hayden Carruth.

LITTLE, BROWN & COMPANY for "Elizabeth Eliza Writes a Paper," from _The Peterkin Papers_, by Lucretia P. Hale; "The Skeleton in the Closet," by Edward Everett Hale, and "The Wolf at Susan's Door," from _The Wolf at Susan's Door and Mrs. Lathrop's Love Affair_, by Anne Warner.

LOTHROP, LEE & SHEPARD for "A Letter," from _Swingin' Round the Circle_, by David Ross Locke ("P. V. Nasby"); "A Cable Car Preacher" and "The Prayer of Cyrus Brown," from _Dreams in Homespun_, by Sam Walter Foss; "He Wanted to Know," "Hullo!" and "She Talked," from _Back Country Poems_, by Sam Walter Foss; "Mr. Stiver's Horse" and "After the Funeral," from the works of James M. Bailey (The Danbury News Man); "Yawcob Strauss," "Der Oak und der Vine," "To Bary Jade" and "Shonny Schwartz," from _Leetle Yawcob Strauss_, by Charles Follen Adams; "The Coupon Bonds" and "Darius Greene," from the works of J.T. Trowbridge, and Chapters VII, IX, XVI, XX, XXI, from "Partingtonian Patchwork," by B.P. Shillaber.

THE S.S. MCCLURE COMPANY and MCCLURE, PHILLIPS & COMPANY for "Morris and the Honorable Tim," from _Little Citizens_, by Myra Kelly.

A.C. MCCLURG & COMPANY for "Simple English," from _At the Sign of the Ginger Jar_, by Ray Clarke Rose, and "Ye Legende of Sir Yroncladde," by Wilbur D. Nesbit, from _The Athlete's Garland_.