Part 6

MELL. I can’t wait to see how it all ends. [_To_ ADAM.] Will she leave him? Or will the memory of their past love prove too strong?

MANSKY. [_Goes to_ ADAM--_Aside to_ ADAM.] This is devilish queer.

TURAI. Quiet, quiet, please. [_To_ ALMADY.] All right. Go on. Better go back to “Not a week! Not a day! Not an hour!”

ALMADY. _Not a week! Not a day! Not an hour!_

ILONA. Just words.

ALMADY. It’s the truth. I’m crazy about you. And you--you have used me up and squeezed me like a lemon, and now you want to throw me away. [_At the word “lemon”_ MANSKY _and_ ADAM _again exchange glances_. MANSKY _gets up, deeply agitated_.]

MANSKY. Sandor....

TURAI. What is it?

MANSKY. [_To_ ILONA _and_ ALMADY.] You’ll excuse me? I have something very urgent to say to Mr. Turai. [_He crosses to_ TURAI _and drags him over to the corner below the fireplace_.] Do you hear what they’re saying?

TURAI. [_Feigning non-comprehension._] How do you mean, do I hear what they’re saying?

MANSKY. I mean ... didn’t those last lines sound familiar to you?

TURAI. That’s right. Now you mention it. I did notice something, only I thought it was my fancy.

MANSKY. [_To_ ADAM.] Come here. [MELL _tries to become a part of the whispered conference, but_ ADAM _waves him away, and he withdraws upstage disconsolate_.] [_To_ TURAI.] I give you my word, Sandor--those lines were syllable for syllable the ones we heard last night through the wall.

TURAI. [_Looking at script._] By Jove, you’re right.... This is uncanny.

MANSKY. Go on with the rehearsal, or they will be suspecting something. I want to hear some more. [MANSKY _takes hold of_ ADAM’S _arm_. ADAM _is very excited. Both listen intently._]

TURAI. Well, let’s get on. “Now you want to throw me away.”

ILONA. I don’t want to throw you away, silly, Oh, come on, then. Come here and let me kiss that beautiful classic brow. [ALMADY _goes to her_.]

MANSKY. [_Shouting out._] Great Heavens!

ILONA. [_Jumping._] What’s the matter?

MANSKY. [_Whispering._] Listen, you two. They’re saying word for word what we heard them say last night. Do you grasp now what they were doing last night? _Rehearsing!_ Simply going through their lines.

TURAI. [_To_ MANSKY.] I must admit ... this has come upon me as a complete surprise.... Really, I’m quite shaken.

ADAM. Imitate _me_. If I can be perfectly calm, you can.

MANSKY. [_Pointing at_ TURAI.] And he never recognized it!

ILONA. Mr. Turai! What’s going on?

ALMADY. Yes. What’s all the discussion about?

TURAI. [_To_ ALMADY.] Well, it’s like this. Mansky says--and I’m bound to say I agree with him--that for the actual performance to-night you will have to dig up a classic brow from somewhere.

ALMADY. Dig up a classic brow?

TURAI. You see, it’s rather awkward. The script says ... “Kiss that beautiful classic brow.”

ALMADY. Well?

TURAI. Well, you’ll have to get one somewhere.

ALMADY. [_Bitterly._] You think my own would not be convincing?

MANSKY. My God, no!

ALMADY. It has been so described.

TURAI. In this play, yes. But, if you’ll pardon my saying so, you wouldn’t suggest that any woman of taste could say such a thing in _real_ life?

ALMADY. [_Bitterly._] Very good. No doubt the property man will be able to supply me with a face.

[MELL _is appalled at the prospect of having to get a “face” but he dutifully makes a notation of it in his little book_.]

TURAI. Oh--my dear fellow. [_All go back to places._]

ADAM. [_Impatiently._] We’re wasting time. Let’s get on.

TURAI. Sh! Sh! We’ve only a few minutes more.

ADAM. No more interruptions.

MELL. Thank God!

ILONA. Where were we? Oh, yes. Come here and let me kiss that beautiful classic brow. [_Kisses him on forehead._]

ALMADY. That’s not a kiss. That’s a tip.

MANSKY. Surely that line is a trifle vulgar.

TURAI. It’s vulgar because it’s spoken by a vulgar man.

MANSKY. The speaker is a count.

TURAI. But a dull-witted bounder, for all that. He’s the sort of man who _would_ say things like that. Don’t you start trying to teach Sardou how to write dialogue.

ALMADY. [_Furious._] For God’s sake, are we going to rehearse?

TURAI. Yes--go on, please.

ALMADY. That’s not a kiss. That’s a tip.

ILONA. Don’t shout like that.

ALMADY. I will shout. I’m a squeezed lemon. That’s what I am--a lemon. The whole world shall know I’m a lemon. [_Falls sobbing at her feet._]

[MANSKY _whispers something to_ ADAM. ADAM _smiles happily and whispers back. They shake hands._]

TURAI. Please--please-- What’s the matter?

MANSKY. Nothing. I was merely saying to Adam that I think that word “_lemon_” is all wrong.

TURAI. I think it’s excellent. Absolutely in character. The speaker is a big lemon-and-peach man from Saint Sulpice de la Grande Parmentière, and he naturally goes to the orchard for his similes. Try to realize that he’s practically an imbecile with virtually no vocabulary.

[ALMADY _looks up from_ ILONA’S _lap and registers indignation_.]

[_Prompting._] ‘Please, please’-- [_To_ ILONA.] From you, my dear. [_To_ ALMADY.] You’re crying. [ALMADY _sobs_.]

ILONA. Please, please. Don’t cry. I can’t bear it. You know how fond I am of you. [_She goes to table where peach is._]

ALMADY. Those nights of love--those flaming, wonderful nights! Have you forgotten them so completely? [_He stands up, and starts to touch the peach._]

ILONA. Stop! Control yourself.

ALMADY. [_Gazing at peach._] You ask me to control myself--when I look at _that_? At that perfect shape. The rose flush of that skin. [_Starts to touch peach._] Just to stroke it....

ILONA. Hands off.

ALMADY. [_Snatching up the peach, holds it in one hand and with the other strokes it voluptuously._] My God! How round it is! How smooth, how velvety--and how fragrant! [_Raises it to his mouth._]

ILONA. You mustn’t bite it. [_She snatches his hand._]

[MANSKY _gives a shriek and goes into fits of laughter_. ADAM _stretches his arms out to_ MANSKY _and roars_. ADAM _slaps_ MANSKY _on the back_, MANSKY _laughing uninterruptedly_. ALMADY _turns away furiously_. ILONA _turns away, ashamed_.]

MANSKY. [_Putting his arm around_ ADAM’S _shoulder_, _still laughing_.] Heavens! What fools we’ve been!

ADAM. Haven’t we?

MELL. [_Eagerly._] Won’t you tell me the joke?

ADAM. You wouldn’t understand.

ILONA. What are you two so amused about?

TURAI. [_Curtly._] Come, come. We’re wasting time. Let’s get on.

MANSKY. Yes, get on. I want to hear this. Round, smooth, velvety and fragrant.

ADAM. And you mustn’t bite.

ILONA. You mustn’t bite it.

ALMADY. I must--I am so hungry.

[ADAM _and_ MANSKY _go on laughing_. MELL _laughs too, but with a puzzled look, as much as to say “I’m joining in, but I really don’t understand.”_]

ALMADY. [_Sits._] Ah well! I see I am nothing to you any more.

ILONA. Oh, for goodness sake! I swear that no man-- [_Breaks off, unable to go on._]

TURAI. [_Prompting._] No man who has ever come into my life ...

ILONA. ... has meant so much to me as you. From the top of your head to the soles of your feet you are a _man_.

TURAI. I think we might cut that last bit.

ALMADY. Why?

TURAI. Well, I mean to say.... A _little_ too _explicit_, don’t you think? Rather too obvious a sexual implication. A wee bit _coarse_, perhaps, yes? We must consider the feelings of the audience. [_To_ MELL.] Will there be any young girls there to-night?

MELL. Oh, yes, indeed.

TURAI. Then we must cut it. They may bring their parents. Instead suppose we say--“I love you, even though you _are_ only a poor imitation of a man.” [ALMADY _registers rage_.] Go on. [_To_ ALMADY.] “My God! I suffer....”

ALMADY. [_Bitterly._] My God! I suffer like a sick horse. [_To_ TURAI.] Look here, that ought to come out.

TURAI. Why?

ALMADY. How could anyone speak of himself so vulgarly?

TURAI. We went into all that just now. Just what a cattle-raiser _would_ say.

ALMADY. But he’s a fruit-raiser!

TURAI. Cattle, too. Cattle as a side line.

ILONA. Don’t look so pathetic.... Well, come here. Kiss me. You donkey.

ALMADY. [_Furiously to_ TURAI.] It’s too much.... Horse _and_ donkey.

ADAM. [_Aside to_ MANSKY.] This is where I went out. How funny it seems now.

TURAI. [_Looks at script._] We’re getting near the end now. They kiss here. [ALMADY _starts to kiss_ ILONA.]

ILONA. [_Pushing him away._] Oh, never mind the kiss. Kiss over.

ALMADY. [_Offended._] Just as you please. I want you to remember that kiss for ever.

ILONA. Your kiss is revolting to me.

ALMADY. [_Despairingly--To_ TURAI.] Does that stay in?

TURAI. My dear fellow, we can’t cut everything.

ALMADY. But a line like that’s so damned personal. The audience will loathe me.

MANSKY. It beats me why on earth you ever chose a part like this.

[ALMADY _looks toward_ TURAI _in mute appeal, but_ TURAI _is adamant and metes out no mercy_.]

TURAI. [_With subtle mockery._] Yes. It’s no business of mine, but I must say I can’t understand that, either. It doesn’t help to cut lines here and there. It’s the whole part. The character’s a bounder and a fool.

MANSKY. The author must have loathed this fellow. [_To_ TURAI.] You notice that, Sandor, don’t you?

TURAI. [_Ironically._] Of course, I noticed it.

ILONA. Do let’s get to the end. [_Rises._] Mademoiselle Emilienne describes you as an old fool. [ALMADY _glares_.]

TURAI. [_Prompting._] And so I am.

ALMADY. And so I am, Yvonne. [_Furious._] So I am.

MANSKY. You certainly are.

ILONA. [_Sincerely._] It’s disgusting that a man of your age should persecute a woman, and by playing on her sense of gratitude seek to obtain a love which she would never bestow as a free gift.

ADAM. [_Crossing down to_ TURAI _and whispering_.] Uncle Sandor--will you give me your word of honor that Ilona shall never know how shamefully I suspected her?

TURAI. Don’t be childish.

ADAM. If ever she found out--she’d never look at me again.

TURAI. I’ll never tell her.

ILONA. Please don’t interrupt any more.

ADAM. [_Bows elaborately and says with meaning._] Forgive me. [ILONA _accepts his apology with an affectionate gesture, and when his back is turned it is she who is mutely asking his forgiveness_.]

TURAI. Go on!

ILONA. Think of your wife. Think of your children.

ALMADY. [_Turns away._] My children!

ILONA. What would your son say? Your son, a highly respected colonel in the Dragoons.

[_This is too much. The Actor in_ ALMADY _is crushed. He comes down to_ TURAI _brokenly and speaks supplicatingly_.]

ALMADY. Mr. Turai.

TURAI. [_Amiably._] Yes?

ALMADY. It’s just a suggestion, but couldn’t we say lieutenant there?

TURAI. I’m afraid not. You see it was “general” in the text.

ALMADY. [_Wildly._] My son a general?

ILONA. [_To_ TURAI.] How far back _can_ I go?

TURAI. At the most a major.

ILONA. [_Quickly._] Very well. Your son, a highly respected major in the Dragoons.

ALMADY. You are right, Yvonne. The shock would kill him. [ALMADY _breaks off, evidently unwilling to speak his next line. But_ TURAI _prompts him relentlessly_.]

TURAI. A ridiculous old petticoat-chaser.

ALMADY. [_Speaking the lines almost sotto voce in a casual offhand manner._] A ridiculous old petticoat-chaser, that’s what I am. Bah!

TURAI. Oh, come, Mr. Almady. Not so tamely, please. More _life_. Once more.

ALMADY. [_Comes down to_ TURAI _and says the line with petulance and irritation_.] A ridiculous old petticoat-chaser, that’s what I am. Bah!

TURAI. [_Relentlessly._] Still not quite strong enough. More gusto. More sincerity.

ALMADY. [_Shouts the line to relieve his fury._] A RIDICULOUS OLD PETTICOAT-CHASER, THAT’S WHAT I AM. BAH!

TURAI. [_Coldly._] Once more, please.

ALMADY. [_Shouting to the full limit of his vocal chords in wild desperation._] A RIDICULOUS OLD PETTICOAT-CHASER, THAT’S WHAT I AM. BAH!

TURAI. [_With approval._] Fine--_that’s_ it. Now read it that way at the performance. [ALMADY _returns upstage completely crushed and beaten_.]

ALMADY. [_Genuinely._] I promise you I shall never again make myself obnoxious to this woman who loves another man and is sick and tired of me. Never, never again.

ILONA. [_Briskly._] Never again?

ALMADY. [_Briskly._] Never again.

ILONA. Then, Maurice, I will be generous. I will not go to Paris, and you may eat the peach.

ALMADY. [_Hurls himself at the peach._] My God! At last! [_Gnaws the peach._]

TURAI. [_Rising._] Curtain.

MANSKY. The end?

TURAI. The end.

MANSKY. He really should have given his wife the peach. That would have made a much prettier finish.

TURAI. Oh, my dear fellow! Where’s your sense of character? The man’s selfish to the core. He’d never give his wife peaches.

MANSKY. A very unsympathetic part. Still, he played it well.

TURAI. It fitted him.

MELL. [_Dancing about in anguish, pointing to_ ALMADY, _incoherent with agitation_.] Oh! Oh!

TURAI. What’s the matter with you?

MELL. He’s eating the peach! He’s eating the peach! I never dreamed he was going to _eat_ the peach. I shall have to dash out and get another. [_He rushes off to the hall._]

ILONA. [_Takes off scarf. To_ ADAM, _who stands overcome with happiness_.] Well, how do you like me in this part?

ADAM. Oh, darling, you were wonderful, simply wonderful. And, if you want to know what I think--this little comedy is worth all Shakespeare put together. [_He kisses her hands._]

MANSKY. Oh, no, no, no. The thing dates terribly. When did Sardou write it?

TURAI. I don’t know. What period Sardou is this, Mr. Almady?

ALMADY. I should imagine it was his last work.

MANSKY. Then he must have been a very old man at the time. It’s terrible. He probably wrote it just before he died.

TURAI. Or just after. [_To_ ILONA.] Can I have a minute? Just a few things I’d like to tell you about your part.

ILONA. Yes, yes, I shall be very grateful. [_To_ MANSKY _and_ ADAM.] Go along. We shan’t be a moment. [_They go up the stairs at right._]

MANSKY. What beats me is why an actor who has always played heroes picked a part like that for himself. He must be terribly fond of acting. [MANSKY _and_ ADAM _go out at right_.]

TURAI. [_To_ ALMADY, _who is sitting dejectedly at left_.] You seem upset.

ALMADY. [_Miserably._] Not at all. [_He glares at_ TURAI.]

TURAI. So you’ve decided to take the midnight express directly after the performance?

ALMADY. Yes.

TURAI. I think you’re wise. A good, fruity train, highly spoken of by connoisseurs. Well, just to show you the sort of fellows we Turais are, I’ll let you off the major. Ilona, you can say lieutenant.

ALMADY. Even lieutenant seems a little....

TURAI. Good God! We can’t make him a drummer boy.

ALMADY. [_Picks up part._] Very well. So be it. I suppose I ought to be thankful for small mercies. [_Goes toward door to hall._]

TURAI. Where are you off to?

ALMADY. I’m going to have another go at those infernal French names. But in spite of everything--thank you. [ALMADY _bows and then goes out_.]

ILONA. [_Going to_ TURAI _and embracing him_.] Sandor, you’re an angel. Was it awfully difficult, writing that play?

TURAI. Oh, no. That damned peach stumped me for a while. Smooth, round, velvety and fragrant, and you mustn’t bite. It wasn’t easy to get round that. Believe me, there are very few things in this world that are round, smooth, velvety--and respectable.

ILONA. [_Turns head away._] Oh--he was talking about my shoulder.

TURAI. [_With delicate irony and gazing at her shoulder, then kissing it._] Really? I thought it was your forehead.

ILONA. You’re an old devil--that’s what you are.

TURAI. Just what I expected. Now that it’s all over, everybody else is a gentleman and I’m an old devil. But somehow I don’t think I am. My little Ilona, I have saved a young man a bad heartache. It’s a negative kindness, but is there a positive one that’s better? Yes, on the whole, I think I’m fairly well satisfied with myself. And there’s a little old woman looking at me from somewhere--probably from hell--and her eyes seem to be twinkling, as if she was satisfied, too. It’s unfortunate, that you won’t have me always on hand to.... [_Re-enter_ MANSKY _and_ ADAM.]

MANSKY. [_On the landing, to_ ADAM.] Poor old Turai’s feeling awfully sore about all this. He had a wonderful scheme for bringing you two together, based on what he calls psychology. And now he’s furious because that won’t be needed. [_Enter_ DWORNITSCHEK _from hall_.]

ADAM. Sh! Ilona will hear you. Let’s drop the subject.

DWORNITSCHEK. [_Standing at center._] Dinner is served. [ADAM _meets_ ILONA _at center. They embrace and kiss lovingly and go out to the hall arm in arm._]

MANSKY. [_With self-satisfaction to_ TURAI.] So, my friend, it comes down to this. There are many clever writers, but the most successful of them all is still old man life himself.

TURAI. That’s because he doesn’t have to collaborate with you. [_He takes_ MANSKY’S _arm. As he passes_ DWORNITSCHEK _he stops and looks at him_.]

DWORNITSCHEK. [_Smiling._] Dwornitschek, sir.

TURAI. Still Dwornitschek--Thank you.

DWORNITSCHEK. Thank _you_, sir.

TURAI. No, no, my dear Dwornitschek, thank YOU. [TURAI _and_ MANSKY _go out_.]

THE CURTAIN FALLS

* * * * *

Transcriber’s note

Minor punctuation errors have been changed without notice. Inconsistencies in hyphenation have been standardized.

Other spelling has been retained as originally published except for the changes below.

Page 35: “Everyday I’ve been” “Every day I’ve been” Page 62: “ALMADY. [_To_ ALMADY.]” “ALMADY. [_To_ TURAI.]” Page 74: “TURAI. My God!” “ILONA. My God!” Page 111: “put the whip down on the” “puts the whip down on the” Page 115: “peace that has ripened” “peach that has ripened” Page 132: “This is to much.” “This is too much.”