Part 6
You are mistaken, Waitwell! His yearning for me misleads him, perhaps, to give his consent to everything. But no sooner would this desire be appeased a little, than he would feel ashamed before himself of his weakness. Sullen anger would take possession of him, and he would never be able to look at me without silently accusing me of all that I had dared to exact from him. Yes, if it were in my power to spare him his bitterest grief, when on my account he is laying the greatest restraint upon himself; if at a moment when he would grant me everything I could sacrifice all to him; then it would be quite a different matter. I would take the letter from your hands with pleasure, would admire in it the strength of the fatherly love, and, not to abuse this love, I would throw myself at his feet a repentant and obedient daughter. But can I do that? I shall be obliged to make use of his permission, regardless of the price this permission has cost him. And then, when I feel most happy, it will suddenly occur to me that he only outwardly appears to share my happiness and that inwardly he is sighing--in short, that he has made me happy by the renunciation of his own happiness. And to wish to be happy in this way,--do you expect that of me, Waitwell?
WAITWELL.
I truly do not know what answer to give to that.
SARA.
There is no answer to it. So take your letter back! If my father must be unhappy through me, I will myself remain unhappy also. To be quite alone in unhappiness is that for which I now pray Heaven every hour, but to be quite alone in my happiness--of that I will not hear.
WAITWELL (_aside_).
I really think I shall have to employ deception with this good child to get her to read the letter.
SARA.
What are you saying to yourself?
WAITWELL.
I was saying to myself that the idea I had hit on to get you to read this letter all the quicker was a very clumsy one.
SARA.
How so?
WAITWELL.
I could not look far enough. Of course you see more deeply into things than such as I. I did not wish to frighten you; the letter is perhaps only too hard; and when I said that it contained nothing but love and forgiveness, I ought to have said that I wished it might not contain anything else.
SARA.
Is that true? Give it me then! I will read it. If one has been unfortunate enough to deserve the anger of one's father, one should at least have enough respect for it to submit to the expression of it on his part. To try to frustrate it means to heap contempt on insult. I shall feel his anger in all its strength. You see I tremble already. But I must tremble; and I will rather tremble than weep (_opens the letter_). Now it is opened! I sink! But what do I see? (_she reads_) "My only, dearest daughter"--ah, you old deceiver, is that the language of an angry father? Go, I shall read no more----
WAITWELL.
Ah, Miss! You will pardon an old servant! Yes, truly, I believe it is the first time in my life that I have intentionally deceived any one. He who deceives once, Miss, and deceives for so good a purpose, is surely no old deceiver on that account. That touches me deeply, Miss! I know well that the good intention does not always excuse one; but what else could I do? To return his letter unread to such a good father? That certainly I cannot do! Sooner will I walk as far as my old legs will carry me, and never again come into his presence.
SARA.
What? You too will leave him?
WAITWELL.
Shall I not be obliged to do so if you do not read the letter? Read it, pray! Do not grudge a good result to the first deceit with which I have to reproach myself. You will forget it the sooner, and I shall the sooner be able to forgive myself. I am a common, simple man, who must not question the reasons why you cannot and will not read the letter. Whether they are true, I know not, but at any rate they do not appear to me to be natural. I should think thus, Miss: a father, I should think, is after all a father; and a child may err for once, and remain a good child in spite of it. If the father pardons the error, the child may behave again in such a manner that the father may not even think of it any more. For who likes to remember what he would rather had never happened? It seems, Miss, as if you thought only of your error, and believed you atoned sufficiently in exaggerating it in your imagination and tormenting yourself with these exaggerated ideas. But, I should think, you ought also to consider how you could make up for what has happened. And how will you make up for it, if you deprive yourself of every opportunity of doing so. Can it be hard for you to take the second step, when such a good father has already taken the first?
SARA.
What daggers pierce my heart in your simple words! That he has to take the first step is just what I cannot bear. And, besides, is it only the first step which he takes? He must do all! I cannot take a single one to meet him. As far as I have gone from him, so far must he descend to me. If he pardons me, he must pardon the whole crime, and in addition must bear the consequences of it continually before his eyes. Can one demand that from a father?
WAITWELL.
I do not know, Miss, whether I understand this quite right. But it seems to me, you mean to say that he would have to forgive you too much, and as this could not but be very difficult to him, you make a scruple of accepting his forgiveness. If you mean that, tell me, pray, is not forgiving a great happiness to a kind heart? I have not been so fortunate in my life as to have felt this happiness often. But I still remember with pleasure the few instances when I have felt it. I felt something so sweet, something so tranquillising, something so divine, that I could not help thinking of the great insurpassable blessedness of God, whose preservation of miserable mankind is a perpetual forgiveness. I wished that I could be forgiving continually, and was ashamed that I had only such trifles to pardon. To forgive real painful insults, deadly offences, I said to myself, must be a bliss in which the whole soul melts. And now, Miss, will you grudge your father such bliss?
SARA.
Ah! Go on, Waitwell, go on!
WAITWELL.
I know well there are people who accept nothing less willingly than forgiveness, and that because they have never learned to grant it. They are proud, unbending people, who will on no account confess that they have done wrong. But you do not belong to this kind, Miss! You have the most loving and tender of hearts that the best of your sex can have. You confess your fault too. Where then is the difficulty? But pardon me, Miss! I am an old chatterer, and ought to have seen at once that your refusal is only a praiseworthy solicitude, only a virtuous timidity. People who can accept a great benefit immediately without any hesitation are seldom worthy of it. Those who deserve it most have always the greatest mistrust of themselves. Yet mistrust must not be pushed beyond limits!
SARA.
Dear old father! I believe you have persuaded me.
WAITWELL.
If I have been so fortunate as that it must have been a good spirit that has helped me to plead. But no, Miss, my words have done no more than given you time to reflect and to recover from the bewilderment of joy. You will read the letter now, will you not? Oh, read it at once!
SARA.
I will do so, Waitwell! What regrets, what pain shall I feel!
WAITWELL.
Pain, Miss! but pleasant pain.
SARA.
Be silent! (_begins reading to herself_).
WAITWELL (_aside_).
Oh! If he could see her himself!
SARA (_after reading a few moments_).
Ah, Waitwell, what a father! He calls my flight "an absence." How much more culpable it becomes through this gentle word! (_continues reading and interrupts herself again_). Listen! he flatters himself I shall love him still. He flatters himself! He begs me--he begs me? A father begs his daughter? his culpable daughter? And what does he beg then? He begs me to forget his over-hasty severity, and not to punish him any longer with my absence. Over-hasty severity! To punish! More still! Now he thanks me even, and thanks me that I have given him an opportunity of learning the whole extent of paternal love. Unhappy opportunity! Would that he also said it had shown him at the same time the extent of filial disobedience. No, he does not say it! He does not mention my crime with one single word. (_Continues reading_.) He will come himself and fetch his children. His children, Waitwell! that surpasses everything! Have I read it rightly? (_reads again to herself_) I am overcome! He says, that he without whom he could not possess a daughter deserves but too well to be his son. Oh that he had never had this unfortunate daughter! Go, Waitwell, leave me alone! He wants an answer, and I will write it at once. Come again in an hour! I thank you meanwhile for your trouble. You are an honest man. Few servants are the friends of their masters!
WAITWELL.
Do not make me blush, Miss! If all masters were like Sir William, servants would be monsters, if they would not give their lives for them. (_Exit_.)
Scene IV.
SARA (_sits down to write_).
If they had told me a year ago that I should have to answer such a letter! And under such circumstances! Yes, I have the pen in my hand. But do I know yet what I shall write? What I think; what I feel. And what then does one think when a thousand thoughts cross each other in one moment? And what does one feel, when the heart is in a stupor from a thousand feelings. But I must write! I do not guide the pen for the first time. After assisting me in so many a little act of politeness and friendship, should its help fail me at the most important office? (_She pauses, and then writes a few lines_.) It shall commence so? A very cold beginning! And shall I then begin with his love? I must begin with my crime. (_She scratches it out and writes again_.) I must be on my guard not to express myself too leniently. Shame may be in its place anywhere else, but not in the confession of our faults. I need not fear falling into exaggeration, even though I employ the most dreadful terms. Ah, am I to be interrupted now?
Scene V.
Marwood, Mellefont, Sara.
MELLEFONT.
Dearest Sara, I have the honour of introducing Lady Solmes to you; she is one of the members of my family to whom I feel myself most indebted.
MARWOOD.
I must beg your pardon, Madam, for taking the liberty of convincing myself with my own eyes of the happiness of a cousin, for whom I should wish the most perfect of women if the first moment had not at once convinced me, that he has found her already in you.
SARA.
Your ladyship does me too much honour! Such a compliment would have made me blush at any time, but now I would almost take it as concealed reproach, if I did not think that Lady Solmes is much too generous to let her superiority in virtue and wisdom be felt by an unhappy girl.
MARWOOD (_coldly_).
I should be inconsolable if you attributed to me any but the most friendly feelings towards you. (_Aside_.) She is good-looking.
MELLEFONT.
Would it be possible Madam, to remain indifferent to such beauty, such modesty? People say, it is true, that one charming woman rarely does another one justice, but this is to be taken only of those who are over-vain of their superiority, and on the other hand of those who are not conscious of possessing any superiority. How far are you both removed from this. (_To_ Marwood, _who stands in deep thought_.) Is it not true, Madam, that my love has been anything but partial? Is it not true, that though I have said much to you in praise of my Sara, I have not said nearly so much as you yourself see? But why so thoughtful. (_Aside to her_.) You forget whom you represent.
MARWOOD.
May I say it? The admiration of your dear young lady led me to the contemplation of her fate. It touched me, that she should not enjoy the fruits of her love in her native land. I recollected that she had to leave a father, and a very affectionate father as I have been told, in order to become yours; and I could not but wish for her reconciliation with him.
SARA.
Ah, Madam! how much am I indebted to you for this wish. It encourages me to tell you the whole of my happiness. You cannot yet know, Mellefont, that this wish was granted before Lady Solmes had the kindness to wish it.
MELLEFONT.
How do you mean, Sara?
MARWOOD (_aside_).
How am I to interpret that?
SARA.
I have just received a letter from my father. Waitwell brought it to me. Ah, Mellefont, such a letter!
MELLEFONT.
Quick, relieve me from my uncertainty. What have I to fear? What have I to hope? Is he still the father from whom we fled? And if he is, will Sara be the daughter who loves me so tenderly as to fly again? Alas, had I but done as you wished, dearest Sara, we should now be united by a bond which no caprice could dissolve. I feel now all the misfortune which the discovery of our abode may bring upon me.--He will come and tear you out of my arms. How I hate the contemptible being who has betrayed us to him (_with an angry glance at_ Marwood).
SARA.
Dearest Mellefont, how flattering to me is this uneasiness I And how happy are we both in that it is unnecessary. Read his letter! (_To_ Marwood, _whilst_ Mellefont _reads the letter_.) He will be astonished at the love of my father. Of my father? Ah, he is _his_ now too.
MARWOOD (_perplexed_).
Is it possible?
SARA.
Yes, Madam, you have good cause to be surprised at this change. He forgives us everything; we shall now love each other before his eyes; he allows it, he commands it. How has this kindness gone to my very soul! Well, Mellefont? (_who returns the letter to her_). You are silent? Oh no, this tear which steals from your eye says far more than your lips could say.
MARWOOD (_aside_).
How I have injured my own cause. Imprudent woman that I was!
SARA.
Oh, let me kiss this tear from your cheek.
MELLEFONT.
Ah, Sara, why was it our fate to grieve such a godlike man? Yes, a godlike man, for what is more godlike than to forgive? Could we only have imagined such a happy issue possible, we should not now owe it to such violent means, we should owe it to our entreaties alone. What happiness is in store for me! But how painful also will be the conviction, that I am so unworthy of this happiness!
MARWOOD (_aside_).
And I must be present to hear this.
SARA.
How perfectly you justify my love by such thoughts.
MARWOOD (_aside_.)
What restraint must I put on myself!
SARA.
You too, Madam, must read my father's letter. You seem to take too great an interest in our fate to be indifferent to its contents.
MARWOOD.
Indifferent? (_takes the letter_).
SARA.
But, Madam, you still seem very thoughtful, very sad----
MARWOOD.
Thoughtful, but not sad!
MELLEFONT (_aside_).
Heavens! If she should betray herself!
SARA.
And why then thoughtful?
MARWOOD.
I tremble for you both. Could not this unforeseen kindness of your father be a dissimulation? An artifice?
SARA.
Assuredly not, Madam, assuredly not. Only read and you will admit it yourself. Dissimulation is always cold, it is not capable of such tender words. (Marwood _reads_.) Do not grow suspicious, Mellefont, I beg. I pledge myself that my father cannot condescend to an artifice. He says nothing which he does not think, falseness is a vice unknown to him.
MELLEFONT.
Oh, of that I am thoroughly convinced, dearest Sara! You must pardon Lady Solmes for this suspicion, since she does not know the man whom it concerns.
SARA (_whilst_ Marwood _returns the letter to her_).
What do I see, my lady? You are pale! You tremble! What is the matter with you?
MELLEFONT (_aside_).
What anxiety I suffer? Why did I bring her here?
MARWOOD.
It is nothing but a slight dizziness, which will pass over. The night air on my journey must have disagreed with me.
MELLEFONT.
You frighten me! Would you not like to go into the air? You will recover sooner than in a close room.
MARWOOD.
If you think so, give me your arm!
SARA.
I will accompany your ladyship!
MARWOOD.
I beg you will not trouble to do so! My faintness will pass over immediately.
SARA.
I hope then, to see you again soon.
MARWOOD.
If you permit me (Mellefont _conducts her out_).
SARA (_alone_).
Poor thing! She does not seem exactly the most friendly of people; but yet she does not appear to be either proud or ill-tempered. I am alone again. Can I employ the few moments, while I remain so, better than by finishing my answer? (_Is about to sit down to write_.)
Scene VI.
Betty, Sara.
BETTY.
That was indeed a very short visit.
SARA.
Yes, Betty! It was Lady Solmes, a relation of my Mellefont. She was suddenly taken faint. Where is she now?
BETTY.
Mellefont has accompanied her to the door.
SARA.
She is gone again, then?
BETTY.
I suppose so. But the more I look at you--you must forgive my freedom, Miss--the more you seem to me to be altered. There is something calm, something contented in your looks. Either Lady Solmes must have been a very pleasant visitor, or the old man a very pleasant messenger.
SARA.
The latter, Betty, the latter! He came from my father. What a tender letter I have for you to read! Your kind heart has often wept with me, now it shall rejoice with me, too. I shall be happy again, and be able to reward you for your good services.
BETTY.
What services could I render you in nine short weeks?
SARA.
You could not have done more for me in all the rest of my life, than in these nine weeks. They are over! But come now with me, Betty. As Mellefont is probably alone again, I must speak to him. It just occurs to me that it would be well if he wrote at the same time to my father, to whom an expression of gratitude from him could hardly come unexpectedly. Come! (_Exeunt_.)
Scene VII.
Sir William Sampson, Waitwell.
(_The drawing-room_.)
SIR WILLIAM.
What balm you have poured on my wounded heart with your words, Waitwell! I live again, and the prospect of her return seems to carry me as far back to my youth as her flight had brought me nearer to my grave. She loves me still? What more do I wish! Go back to her soon, Waitwell? I am impatient for the moment when I shall fold her again in these arms, which I had stretched out so longingly to death! How welcome would it have been to me in the moments of my grief! And how terrible will it be to me in my new happiness! An old man, no doubt, is to be blamed for drawing the bonds so tight again which still unite him to the world. The final separation becomes the more painful. But God who shows Himself so merciful to me now, will also help me to go through this. Would He, I ask, grant me a mercy in order to let it become ray ruin in the end? Would He give me back a daughter, that I should have to murmur when He calls me from life? No, no! He gives her back to me that in my last hour I may be anxious about myself alone. Thanks to Thee, Eternal Father! How feeble is the gratitude of mortal lips? But soon, soon I shall be able to thank Him more worthily in an eternity devoted to Him alone!
WAITWELL.
How it delights me, Sir, to know you happy again before my death! Believe me, I have suffered almost as much in your grief as you yourself. Almost as much, for the grief of a father in such a case must be inexpressible.
SIR WILLIAM.
Do not regard yourself as my servant any longer, my good Waitwell. You have long deserved to enjoy a more seemly old age. I will give it you, and you shall not be worse off than I am while I am still in this world. I will abolish all difference between us; in yonder world, you well know, it will be done. For this once be the old servant still, on whom I never relied in vain. Go, and be sure to bring me her answer, as soon as it is ready.
WAITWELL.
I go, Sir! But such an errand is not a service. It is a reward which you grant me for my services. Yes, truly it is so! (_Exeunt on different sides of the stage_.)
ACT IV.
Scene I.--Mellefont's _room_.
Mellefont, Sara.
MELLEFONT.
Yes, dearest Sara, yes! That I will do! That I must do.
SARA.
How happy you make me!
MELLEFONT.
It is I who must take the whole crime upon myself. I alone am guilty; I alone must ask for forgiveness.
SARA.
No, Mellefont, do not take from me the greater share which I have in our error! It is dear to me, however wrong it is, for it must have convinced you that I love my Mellefont above everything in this world. But is it, then, really true, that I may henceforth combine this love with the love of my father? Or am I in a pleasant dream? How I fear it will pass and I shall awaken in my old misery! But no! I am not merely dreaming, I am really happier than I ever dared hope to become; happier than this short life may perhaps allow. But perhaps this beam of happiness appears in the distance, and delusively seems to approach only in order to melt away again into thick darkness, and to leave me suddenly in a night whose whole terror has only become perceptible to me through this short illumination. What forebodings torment me! Are they really forebodings, Mellefont, or are they common feelings, which are inseparable from the expectation of an undeserved happiness, and the fear of losing it? How fast my heart beats, and how wildly it beats. How loud now, how quick! And now how weak, how anxious, how quivering! Now it hurries again, as if these were its last throbbings, which it would fain beat out rapidly. Poor heart!
MELLEFONT.