Part 9
SORD. What curses breathe these men! how have my deeds Made my looks differ from another man's, That they should thus detest and loath my life! Out on my wretched humour! it is that Makes me thus monstrous in true humane eyes. Pardon me, gentle friends, I'll make fair 'mends For my foul errors past, and twenty-fold Restore to all men, what with wrong I robb'd them: My barns and garners shall stand open still To all the poor that come, and my best grain Be made alms-bread, to feed half-famish'd mouths. Though hitherto amongst you I have lived, Like an unsavoury muck-hill to myself, Yet now my gather'd heaps being spread abroad, Shall turn to better and more fruitful uses. Bless then this man, curse him no more for the saving My life and soul together. O how deeply The bitter curses of the poor do pierce! I am by wonder changed; come in with me And witness my repentance: now I prove, No life is blest, that is not graced with love. [EXIT.
2 RUST. O miracle! see when a man has grace!
3 RUST. Had it not been pity so good a man should have been cast away?
2 RUST. Well, I'll get our clerk put his conversion in the 'Acts and Monuments'.
4 RUST. Do, for I warrant him he's a martyr.
2 RUST. O God, how he wept, if you mark'd it! did you see how the tears trill'd?
5 RUST. Yes, believe me, like master vicar's bowls upon the green, for all the world.
3 RUST. O neighbour, God's blessing o' your heart, neighbour, 'twas a good grateful deed. [EXEUNT.
COR. How now, Mitis! what's that you consider so seriously?
MIT. Troth, that which doth essentially please me, the warping condition of this green and soggy multitude; but in good faith, signior, your author hath largely outstript my expectation in this scene, I will liberally confess it. For when I saw Sordido so desperately intended, I thought I had had a hand of him, then.
COR. What! you supposed he should have hung himself indeed?
MIT. I did, and had framed my objection to it ready, which may yet be very fitly urged, and with some necessity; for though his purposed violence lost the effect, and extended not to death, yet the intent and horror of the object was more than the nature of a comedy will in any sort admit.
COR. Ay! what think you of Plautus, in his comedy called 'Cistellaria'? there, where he brings in Alcesimarchus with a drum sword ready to kill himself, and as he is e'en fixing his breast upon it, to be restrained from his resolved outrage, by Silenium and the bawd? Is not his authority of power to give our scene approbation?
MIT. Sir, I have this only evasion left me, to say, I think it be so indeed; your memory is happier than mine: but I wonder, what engine he will use to bring the rest out of their humours!
COR. That will appear anon, never pre-occupy your imagination withal. Let your mind keep company with the scene still, which now removes itself from the country to the court. Here comes Macilente, and signior Brisk freshly suited; lose not yourself, for now the epitasis, or busy part of our subject, is an act.
SCENE III. -- AN APARTMENT AT THE COURT
ENTER MACILENTE, FASTIDIOUS, BOTH IN A NEW SUIT, AND CINEDO, WITH TOBACCO.
FAST. Well, now signior Macilente, you are not only welcome to the court, but also to my mistress's withdrawing chamber -- Boy, get me some tobacco. I'll but go in, and shew I am here, and come to you presently, sir. [EXIT.
MACI. What's that he said? by heaven, I mark'd him not: My thoughts and I were of another world. I was admiring mine own outside here, To think what privilege and palm it bears Here, in the court! be a man ne'er so vile, In wit, in judgment, manners, or what else; If he can purchase but a silken cover, He shall not only pass, but pass regarded: Whereas, let him be poor, and meanly clad, Though ne'er so richly parted, you shall have A fellow that knows nothing but his beef, Or how to rince his clammy guts in beer, Will take him by the shoulders, or the throat, And kick him down the stairs. Such is the state Of virtue in bad clothes! -- ha, ha, ha, ha! That raiment should be in such high request! How long should I be, ere I should put off To the lord chancellor's tomb, or the shrives' poste? By heav'n, I think, a thousand, thousand year. His gravity, his wisdom, and his faith To my dread sovereign, graces that survive him, These I could well endure to reverence, But not his tomb; no more than I'd commend The chapel organ for the gilt without, Or this base-viol, for the varnish'd face.
RE-ENTER FASTIDIOUS. FAST. I fear I have made you stay somewhat long, sir; but is my tobacco ready, boy?
CIN. Ay, sir.
FAST. Give me; my mistress is upon coming, you shall see her presently, sir. [PUFFS.] You'll say you never accosted a more piercing wit. -- This tobacco is not dried, boy, or else the pipe is defective. -- Oh, your wits of Italy are nothing comparable to her: her brain's a very quiver of jests, and she does dart them abroad with that sweet, loose, and judicial aim, that you would -- here she comes, sir. [SAVIOLINA LOOKS IN, AND DRAWS BACK AGAIN.
MACI. 'Twas time, his invention had been bogged else.
SAV. [WITHIN.] Give me my fan there.
MACI. How now, monsieur Brisk?
FAST. A kind of affectionate reverence strikes me with a cold shivering, methinks.
MACI. I like such tempers well, as stand before their mistresses with fear and trembling; and before their Maker, like impudent mountains!
FAST. By this hand, I'd spend twenty pound my vaulting horse stood here now, she might see do but one trick.
MACI. Why, does she love activity?
CIN. Or, if you had but your long stockings on, to be dancing a galliard as she comes by.
FAST. Ay, either. O, these stirring humours make ladies mad with desire; she comes. My good genius embolden me: boy, the pipe quickly.
ENTER SAVIOLINA. MACI. What! will he give her music?
FAST. A second good morrow to my fair mistress.
SAV. Fair servant, I'll thank you a day hence, when the date of your salutation comes forth.
FAST. How like you that answer? is't not admirable?
MACI. I were a simple courtier, if I could not admire trifles, sir.
FAST. [TALKS AND TAKES TOBACCO BETWEEN THE BREAKS.] Troth, sweet lady, I shall [PUFFS] -- be prepared to give you thanks for those thanks, and -- study more officious, and obsequious regards -- to your fair beauties. -- Mend the pipe, boy.
MACI. I never knew tobacco taken as a parenthesis before.
FAST. 'Fore God, sweet lady, believe it, I do honour the meanest rush in this chamber for your love.
SAV. Ay, you need not tell me that, sir; I do think you do prize a rush before my love.
MACI. Is this the wonder of nations!
FAST. O, by this air, pardon me, I said 'for' your love, by this light: but it is the accustomed sharpness of your ingenuity, sweet mistress, to [TAKES DOWNTHE VIOL, AND PLAYS] -- mass, your viol's new strung, methinks.
MACI. Ingenuity! I see his ignorance will not suffer him to slander her, which he had done notably, if he had said wit for ingenuity, as he meant it.
FAST. By the soul of music, lady -- HUM, HUM.
SAV. Would we might hear it once.
FAST. I do more adore and admire your -- HUM, HUM -- predominant perfections, than -- HUM, HUM -- ever I shall have power and faculty to express -- HUM.
SAV. Upon the viol de gambo, you mean?
FAST. It's miserably out of tune, by this hand.
SAV. Nay, rather by the fingers.
MACI. It makes good harmony with her wit.
FAST. Sweet lady, tune it. [SAVIOLINA TUNES THE VIOL.] -- Boy, some tobacco.
MACI. Tobacco again! he does court his mistress with very exceeding good changes.
FAST. Signior Macilente, you take none, sir?
MACI. No, unless I had a mistress, signior, it were a great indecorum for me to take tobacco.
FAST. How like you her wit? [TALKS AND TAKES TOBACCO BETWEEN AGAIN.
MACI. Her ingenuity is excellent, sir.
FAST. You see the subject of her sweet fingers there -- Oh, she tickles it so, that -- She makes it laugh most divinely; -- I'll tell you a good jest now, and yourself shall say it's a good one: I have wished myself to be that instrument, I think, a thousand times, and not so few, by heaven! --
MACI. Not unlike, sir; but how? to be cased up and hung by on the wall?
FAST. O, no, sir, to be in use, I assure you; as your judicious eyes may testify. --
SAV. Here, servant, if you will play, come.
FAST. Instantly, sweet lady. -- In good faith, here's most divine tobacco!
SAV. Nay, I cannot stay to dance after your pipe.
FAST. Good! Nay, dear lady, stay; by this sweet smoke, I think your wit be all fire. --
MACI. And he's the salamander belongs to it.
SAV. Is your tobacco perfumed, servant, that you swear by the sweet smoke?
FAST. Still more excellent! Before heaven, and these bright lights, I think -- you are made of ingenuity, I --
MACI. True, as your discourse is. O abominable!
FAST. Will your ladyship take any?
SAV. O peace, I pray you; I love not the breath of a woodcock's head.
FAST. Meaning my head, lady?
SAV. Not altogether so, sir; but, as it were fatal to their follies that think to grace themselves with taking tobacco, when they want better entertainment, you see your pipe bears the true form of a woodcock's head.
FAST. O admirable simile!
AV. 'Tis best leaving of you in admiration, sir. [EXIT.
MACI. Are these the admired lady-wits, that having so good a plain song, can run no better division upon it? All her jests are of the stamp March was fifteen years ago. Is this the comet, monsieur Fastidious, that your gallants wonder at so?
FAST. Heart of a gentleman, to neglect me afore the presence thus! Sweet sir, I beseech you be silent in my disgrace. By the muses, I was never in so vile a humour in my life, and her wit was at the flood too! Report it not for a million, good sir: let me be so far endeared to your love. [EXEUNT.
MIT. What follows next, signior Cordatus? this gallant's humour is almost spent; methinks it ebbs apace, with this contrary breath of his mistress.
COR. O, but it will flow again for all this, till there come a general drought of humour among our actors, and then I fear not but his will fall as low as any. See who presents himself here!
MIT. What, in the old case?
COR. Ay, faith, which makes it the more pitiful; you understand where the scene is?
ACT IV
SCENE I. -- A ROOM IN DELIRO'S HOUSE.
ENTER FUNGOSO, FALLACE FOLLOWING HIM.
FAL. Why are you so melancholy, brother?
FUNG. I am not melancholy, I thank you, sister.
FAL. Why are you not merry then? there are but two of us in all the world, and if we should not be comforts one to another, God help us!
FUNG. Faith, I cannot tell, sister; but if a man had any true melancholy in him, it would make him melancholy to see his yeomanly father cut his neighbours' throats, to make his son a gentleman; and yet, when he has cut them, he will see his son's throat cut too, ere he make him a true gentleman indeed, before death cut his own throat. I must be the first head of our house, and yet he will not give me the head till I be made so. Is any man termed a gentleman, that is not always in the fashion? I would know but that.
FAL. If you be melancholy for that, brother, I think I have as much cause to be melancholy as any one: for I'll be sworn, I live as little in the fashion as any woman in London. By the faith of a gentlewoman, beast that I am to say it! I have not one friend in the world besides my husband. When saw you master Fastidious Brisk, brother?
FUNG. But a while since, sister, I think: I know not well in truth. By this hand I could fight with all my heart, methinks.
FAL. Nay, good brother, be not resolute.
FUNG. I sent him a letter, and he writes me no answer neither.
FAL. Oh, sweet Fastidious Brisk! O fine courtier! thou are he makest me sigh, and say, how blessed is that woman that hath a courtier to her husband, and how miserable a dame she is, that hath neither husband, nor friend in the court! O sweet Fastidious! O fine courtier! How comely he bows him in his court'sy! how full he hits a woman between the lips when he kisses! how upright he sits at the table! how daintily he carves! how sweetly he talks, and tells news of this lord and of that lady! how cleanly he wipes his spoon at every spoonful of any whitemeat he eats! and what a neat case of pick-tooths he carries about him still! O sweet Fastidious! O fine courtier!
ENTER DELIRO AT A DISTANCE, WITH MUSICIANS. DELI. See, yonder she is, gentlemen. Now, as ever you'll bear the name of musicians, touch your instruments sweetly; she has a delicate ear, I tell you: play not a false note, I beseech you.
MUSI. Fear not, signior Deliro.
DELI. O, begin, begin, some sprightly thing: lord, how my imagination labours with the success of it! [THEY STRIKE UP A LIVELY TUNE.] Well said, good i'faith! Heaven grant it please her. I'll not be seen, for then she'll be sure to dislike it.
FAL. Hey -- da! this is excellent! I'll lay my life this is my husband's dotage. I thought so; nay, never play bo-peep with me; I know you do nothing but study how to anger me, sir.
DELI. [COMING FORWARD.] Anger thee, sweet wife! why, didst thou not send for musicians at supper last night thyself?
FAL. To supper, sir! now, come up to supper, I beseech you: as though there were no difference between supper-time, when folks should be merry, and this time when they should be melancholy. I would never take upon me to take a wife, if I had no more judgment to please her.
DELI. Be pleased, sweet wife, and they shall have done; and would to fate my life were done, if I can never please thee! [EXEUNT MUSICIANS.
ENTER MACILENTE. MACI. Save you lady; where is master Deliro?
DELI. Here, master Macilente: you are welcome from court, sir; no doubt you have been graced exceedingly of master Brisk's mistress, and the rest of the ladies for his sake.
MACI. Alas, the poor fantastic! he's scarce known To any lady there; and those that know him, Know him the simplest man of all they know: Deride, and play upon his amorous humours, Though he but apishly doth imitate The gallant'st courtiers, kissing ladies' pumps, Holding the cloth for them, praising their wits, And servilely observing every one May do them pleasure: fearful to be seen With any man, though he be ne'er so worthy, That's not in grace with some that are the greatest. Thus courtiers do, and these he counterfeits, But sets no such a sightly carriage Upon their vanities, as they themselves; And therefore they despise him: for indeed He's like the zany to a tumbler, That tries tricks after him, to make men laugh.
FAL. Here's an unthankful spiteful wretch! the good gentleman vouchsafed to make him his companion, because my husband put him into a few rags, and now see how the unrude rascal backbites him! [ASIDE.
DELI. Is he no more graced amongst them then, say you?
MACI. Faith, like a pawn at chess: fills up a room, that's all.
FAL. O monster of men! can the earth bear such an envious caitiff? [ASIDE.
DELI. Well, I repent me I ever credited him so much: but now I see what he is, and that his masking vizor is off, I'll forbear him no longer. All his lands are mortgaged to me, and forfeited; besides, I have bonds of his in my hand, for the receipt of now fifty pounds now a hundred, now two hundred; still, as he has had a fan but wagged at him, he would be in a new suit. Well, I'll salute him by a serjeant, the next time I see him i'faith, I'll suit him.
MACI. Why, you may soon see him sir, for he is to meet signior Puntarvolo at a notary's by the Exchange, presently; where he meant to take up, upon return.
FAL. Now, out upon thee, Judas! canst thou not be content to backbite thy friend, but thou must betray him! Wilt thou seek the undoing of any man? and of such a man too? and will you, sir, get your living by the counsel of traitors?
DELI. Dear wife, have patience.
FAL. The house will fall, the ground will open and swallow us: I'll not bide here for all the gold and silver in heaven. [EXIT WITH FUNGOSO.
DELI. O, good Macilente, let's follow and appease her, or the peace of my life is at an end. [EXIT.
MACI. Now pease, and not peace, feed that life, whose head hangs so heavily over a woman's manger! [EXIT.
SCENE II. -- ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME. ENTER FALLACE AND FUNGOSO RUNNING; SHE CLAPS TO THE DOOR.
FAL. Help me, brother! Ods body, an you come here I'll do myself a mischief.
DELI. [WITHIN.] Nay, hear me, sweet wife; unless thou wilt have me go, I will not go.
FAL. Tut, you shall never have that vantage of me, to say, you are undone by me. I'll not bid you stay, I. Brother, sweet brother, here's four angels, I'll give you towards your suit: for the love of gentry, and as ever you came of Christian creature, make haste to the water side, (you know where master Fastidious uses to land,) and give him warning of my husband's malicious intent; and tell him of that lean rascal's treachery. O heavens, how my flesh rises at him! Nay, sweet brother, make haste: you may say, I would have writ to him, but that the necessity of the time would not permit. He cannot choose but take it extraordinarily from me: and commend me to him, good brother; say, I sent you. [EXIT.
FUNG. Let me see, these four angels, and then forty shillings more I can borrow on my gown in Fetter Lane. -- Well, I will go presently, say on my suit, pay as much money as I have, and swear myself into credit with my tailor for the rest. [EXIT.
SCENE III. -- ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME.
ENTER DELIRO AND MACILENTE.
DELI. O, on my soul you wrong her, Macilente. Though she be froward, yet I know she is honest.
MACI. Well, then have I no judgment. Would any woman, but one that were wild in her affections, have broke out into that immodest and violent passion against her husband? or is't possible --
DELI. If you love me, forbear; all the arguments i' the world shall never wrest my heart to believe it. [EXEUNT.
COR. How like you the deciphering of his dotage?
MIT. O, strangely: an of the other's envy too, that labours so seriously to set debate betwixt a man and his wife. Stay, here comes the knight adventurer.
COR. Ay, and his scrivener with him.
SCENE IV. -- PUNTARVOLO'S LODGINGS.
ENTER PUNTARVOLO, NOTARY, AND SERVANTS WITH THE DOG AND CAT.
PUNT. I wonder monsieur Fastidious comes not! But, notary, if thou please to draw the indentures the while, I will give thee thy instructions.
NOT. With all my heart, sir; and I'll fall in hand with them presently.
PUNT. Well then, first the sum is to be understood.
NOT. [WRITES.] Good, sir.
PUNT. Next, our several appellations, and character of my dog and cat, must be known. Shew him the cat, sirrah.
NOT. So, sir.
PUNT. Then, that the intended bound is the Turk's court in Constantinople; the time limited for our return, a year; and that if either of us miscarry, the whole venture is lost. These are general, conceiv'st thou? or if either of us turn Turk.
NOT. Ay, sir.
PUNT. Now, for particulars: that I may make my travels by sea or land, to my best liking; and that hiring a coach for myself, it shall be lawful for my dog or cat, or both, to ride with me in the said coach.
NOT. Very good, sir.
PUNT. That I may choose to give my dog or cat, fish, for fear of bones; or any other nutriment that, by the judgment of the most authentical physicians where I travel, shall be thought dangerous.
NOT. Well, sir.
PUNT. That, after the receipt of his money, he shall neither, in his own person, nor any other, either by direct or indirect means, as magic, witchcraft, or other such exotic arts, attempt, practise, or complot any thing to the prejudice of me, my dog, or my cat: neither shall I use the help of any such sorceries or enchantments, as unctions to make our skins impenetrable, or to travel invisible by virtue of a powder, or a ring, or to hang any three-forked charm about my dog's neck, secretly conveyed into his collar; (understand you?) but that all be performed sincerely, without fraud or imposture.
NOT. So, sir.
PUNT. That, for testimony of the performance, myself am to bring thence a Turk's mustachio, my dog a Grecian hare's lips, and my cat the train or tail of a Thracian rat.
NOT. [WRITES.] 'Tis done, sir.
PUNT. 'Tis said, sir; not done, sir. But forward; that, upon my return, and landing on the Tower-wharf, with the aforesaid testimony, I am to receive five for one, according to the proportion of the sums put forth.
NOT. Well, sir.
PUNT. Provided, that if before our departure, or setting forth, either myself or these be visited with sickness, or any other casual event, so that the whole course of the adventure be hindered thereby, that then he is to return, and I am to receive the prenominated proportion upon fair and equal terms.
NOT. Very good, sir; is this all?
PUNT. It is all, sir; and dispatch them, good notary.
NOT. As fast as is possible, sir. [EXIT.
ENTER CARLO. PUNT. O Carlo! welcome: saw you monsieur Brisk?
CAR. Not I: did he appoint you to meet here?
PUNT. Ay, and I muse he should be so tardy; he is to take an hundred pounds of me in venture, if he maintain his promise.
CAR. Is his hour past?
PUNT. Not yet, but it comes on apace.
CAR. Tut, be not jealous of him; he will sooner break all the commandments, than his hour; upon my life, in such a case trust him.
PUNT. Methinks, Carlo, you look very smooth, ha!
CAR. Why, I came but now from a hot-house; I must needs look smooth.
PUNT. From a hot-house!