Part 2
First Little Girl: “My father was fighting for three years. He carried the stars and stripes, and he’s got the flag yet.”
Second Little Girl: “My father was in for fighting for six years, and he carries stripes yet. He’s got a striped suit now.”]
[Illustration: A CLIPPING FROM DOOGAN’S “MIRROR OF FASHION.”
“Madame Duffi, Corque, has opened a millinery establishment in Doogan Alley, and her door is besieged the entire day by the bon-ton of that swell neighborhood.”]
[Illustration: THE ENVY OF THE ALLEY.
An Easter hat and a bunch of violets.]
[Illustration: OH! THE SHAME OF IT.
Polly: “See here, Feodora, it’s a no use o’ your standin’ there wid your arms crosst like a Wenus der Milo a-puttin’ on airs. I’ll give you a pointer: nusses has feelinks just the same as other folks, an’ I won’t take none o’ your sass, an’ don’t yer forgit it!”
Feodora (with intense bitterness): “Nothink can’t be expected better of no one who so far forgits herself as to take care of Chinee h’infants.”]
[Illustration: VERY APPARENT.
“It’s easy to see, Hattie, that she hasn’t moved in the best society!”]
[Illustration:
“My own cousin, an’ she didn’t reckernize me!”
“Don’t mind it, Sally; wimmin isn’t accountable for what they does when they gets a Mary de Medicine collar on for the first time!”]
[Illustration:
“Hey, Jimmy, ain’t yer a-rushin’ the season?”
“Rushin’ the season? Naw! When I picked out a suit at the clothin’ fund, it was a warm day, an’ I wanted to look swell!”]
[Illustration: THE DIGNITY OF POWER.
Chorus: “Who is she, anyhow?”
Tilly MacAllister: “She comes from Philadelphia, an’ her father’s a butcher. She wants to get into our set, but we ain’t got no use for butchers’ daughters nor Quakers.”]
[Illustration: A GENEROUS OFFER.
“I say, mister, how’s that fer a dog-cart, eh? Jump right in an’ I’ll take yer where yer a-goin’, an’ I won’t charge yer a cent. An’ yer’ll have the company of the lady the whole way.”]
[Illustration:
“It’s a wonderful sight, eh, Susanne?”
“Won-der-ful!”
“I dunno how it is with you wimmin folks, but it makes us men feel awful insiggernifikint!”]
[Illustration: “EVEN SUPPOSING.”
Bleak House Boy (to Digby, who set out to enjoy in quietness a sand and sun bath): “Supposin’ I wuz to tell you the entire willage is gone on a pic-nic, an’ supposin’ I wuz to brace you for fifty cents, an’ then supposin’ you cussed a bit an’ refused to giv’ it, wot’d you do supposin’ I set my dog on you?”]
[Illustration: A HOLIDAY DREAM.
Em’ly: “Yer see I wuz carried away on a yaller cloud into a big open blue place where there wuz nothin’ but dolls--blondes, bluenettes, niggers, an’ Chinese; and Santa Claus took me by the hand an’ led me up to one o’ the most beautifullest dolls I ever seen, all gold lace an’ spangles, an’ it could talk an’ sing, too. (In rapture): Oh, it wuz too loverly for anythink! An’ Santa Claus wuz just puttin’ it into my hands when I woked up!”
Chorus: “Oh, what a shame! Didn’t yer want ter die?”]
[Illustration: A MOMENT OF ENVY.
Boy (from Country Circus tent): “Hey fellers, run home an’ get de money to come in even if yer have ter steal it! It’s immense! De clown’s a-standin’ on his head an’ de baby elephant’s a-chuckin’ a pint o’ pop corn into his ears! Don’t yer wish’ t yer wuz me?”]
[Illustration: HER FIRST RIDE.
“Oh, this is heavinkly, perfectly heavinkly!”]
[Illustration: A REGRET.
“Oh, Milly, what a pity it is that our folks is so healthy, an’ sich long livers!”]
[Illustration: HER CONSERVATORY.]
[Illustration:
“Say, miss, don’t yer want ter fight dogs?”]
[Illustration:
“Say, boss, I’s got ter raise five cents for chewin’ gum, even if I has to put me child in hock.”]
[Illustration: TEN CENTS’ WORTH.
Consuelo (reading): “The viz-count entered the apartment with a languid h’air, and puffed his cigaroot with wiolence. ‘Air you alone?’ he inkwired in a nongshallnot manner of the countiss. She rose from the turkeys otterman with a diluted nostril, her eyes flashed with a fire which almost consoomed their lids, and shakin’ her jewilled left hand in the viz-count’s face, she gave a majestic sweep with her right foot an’ lef’ the room.”
Omnes: “My!”]
[Illustration: WHEN THE THERMOMETER IS MELTING IN THE SHADE.
“Oh! But this is bully; it’s more coolin’ than ice-cream, an’ makes me feel better ’n pink leminade does!”]
[Illustration: A LIFE SAVER.
“Sam, will yer go out inter deep water an’ make believe yer drowdin’? I want ter try my dog.”]
[Illustration:
Boy: “Hey, Juliet, is you a-postin’ dat to yer Romeo?”]
[Illustration: A BAD PART.
“Say, Tom, pretend yer a Spaniard, an’ let de gang play wid yer fer five minits.”]
[Illustration: HIS SIMPLE WISH.
Jacky: “Hey, Jimmy! Wot’d yer do if yer wuz as strong as dat?”
Jimmy: “Why, I’d go down ter de school an’ take de teacher atween me teet’ an’ knock de stuffin’ out him.”]
[Illustration: TONY DUFFY’S ORATION.
“Fellers! De gang has lost its pup! He scrapped wid a bull tarrier, an’ got it in de neck. He wuz a torrowbred, a chim dandy; a t’ree-times winner way up to de limit. He had a head on to him wot wuz almost hooman. I ain’t a-talkin’ troo me hat; I ain’t a-givin’ guff; I’m a-givin’ it to yer straight--he wuz a corker. Der Wanderbilts or Asters didn’t have de plunks ter buy dat pup--dat’s straight. He wuz way up in G--are yous wid me? His deat’ has broke me up; don’t jolly me--not on yer life. Yous wot has lungs chip in wid a song, sunthin’ sollum,--‘Ole Dog Tray,’ or ‘Sweet Maree,’--an’ den we’ll plant him. Fellers, I’se lost me grip; me name is Dennis--I’m all broke up. I’ll go chase myself an’ have a game o’ craps. S’ long!”]
[Illustration:
“I tell yer Sandow isn’t in it wid him. He takes de kid an’ chucks him in de air, den he turns a han’spring an’ drinks a can o’ cold tomatter soup afore de kid reaches de groun’.”]
[Illustration: A PRIVATE EXHIBITION.
Master of Ceremonies: “De nex’ shot which me brudder de infant phenomenal will preform is to carrum wid de ball on de bottle an’ de lamp, an’ take de chimney off de lamp widout breakin’ of it, or puttin’ de light out. De shot is not on’y differcult, but marvelyous!”]
[Illustration: A SAD STATE OF AFFAIRS.
“It’s no use talking, Ellen Jane, the young men are not as sociable as they were when we were girls. I haven’t had a solitary visitor this week. How to account for it I don’t know; such a thing hasn’t happened for years!”]
[Illustration: A WARNING.
Boy (reading paper): “The war cloud between the States and Italy has not dispersed as yet--”
Patriot Youth (falling on knees): “Let forrin despots tremble, for in case of war I solemmy promise to raise a rigimint an’ lead it merself; let mer oath be registered!”]
[Illustration: SIC EUNT FATA HOMINUM.
Judge (on box): “Read the charges against Vladimir Casey!”
Clerk (reading): “Firstly: He is charged wid losin’ interest in de gang, an’ has been stealin’ from de corner groceries for strange parties; An’ whereover: It has bin discover’t dat he kin be bribed wid a lemon; An’ whereas: He has given Mag Skelly de marble heart an’ has nearly kilt her; An’ fourthly: When de gang had a pedlar down on de sidewalk an’ was goin’ t’rough him, he refoosed to take a han’; An’ ter conclood: He ain’t fit ter be our capt’in no longer, an’ it is moved by de gang dat he gits it in de neck, an’ is furdermore removed from his official office!”]
[Illustration:
Girl: “Please, ’m, give me an’ me brudders an’ sisters suthin’?”
Lady: “Why, you’re not all one family, surely?”
Girl (unblushingly): “Yes, ’m, we’s all twins!”]
[Illustration:
“Is your father goin’ to take in boarders this summer?”
“I guess so”; (with a wink) “he took in a lot last year, you know.”]
[Illustration:
Dennis (a green hand, to whom the speaking-pipe is an unexplored mystery): “I’d give me month’s wages to foind out how the divil the boss iver managed to shqueeze himself into that bit iv a poipe!”]
[Illustration:
“Well, Tom, what sort o’ Fourth did you have?”
Tom: “Are yer blind?”]
[Illustration: ALONE AT THE RAILROAD STATION.--THANKSGIVING DAY.]
[Illustration: CHRISTMAS FESTIVITIES: LIVING PICTURES AT DOOHIGAN’S HALL.
_Adam and Eve in the Garden of Paradise._
Adam: Master Phelim Grogan.
Eve: Miss Daisy Shaughnessy.]
[Illustration: THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
“Oh, if he would only look this way!”]
[Illustration: THE EMPTY STOCKING.]
[Illustration: HOPE.]
[Illustration:
“If yer please, mum, Santa Claus can’t get into our room ’cause they ain’t no chimley, an’ I want ter know if yer won’t hang up this stockin’ when yer a-hangin’ up the children’s, an’ I’ll call in the mornin’ fer it.”]
[Illustration: ST. VALENTINE’S DAY AT THE “BEND.”
Tom (to Alice): “If he knew he had that pinned to him he’d be wild.”]
[Illustration: THE FINAL REHEARSAL.--THE SUPREME MOMENT.
Author and Stage Manager (to Orchestra): “When de lady says, ‘Lord Ashleigh Baxter, I am a orfun, but I never kin be yourn,’ an’ he says, ‘Ha, ha, ha, you are alone beneat’ my roof an’ unpurtected,’--I want you to rattle off some music wot’ll giv’ Biddy, de fait’ful servant, lots o’ time to rush in an’ t’row Baxter to de groun’.”]
[Illustration: THE WORLD BEFORE HER.]