Part 5

COUNTESS. Au revoir, Mr. Martin—(_Turning to RODNEY_) Vous êtes trop aimable. Je vous remercie beaucoup de votre politesse. Au revoir—(_Goes to PEALE—in undertone_) So long, kid, call me up sometime. (_And then, chattering a stream of German to ELLERY, they exit door left_)

RODNEY. (_Closes door after COUNTESS exits_) Well, I’ve got to hand it to her. The Countess is a fake. Ellery is a flivver and McChesney’s on his way here with that phoney check. (_Goes to his chair behind desk_)

PEALE. I can see Sing-Sing from here. (_Goes to chair L. corner, sits quickly_)

(_MCCHESNEY bursts in, followed by MARY._)

MCCHESNEY. No, I won’t wait. You’re two swindlers. I’ve just come from the bank. Your check’s no good.

RODNEY. No good! That’s impossible.

PEALE. Absolutely.

MCCHESNEY. You haven’t any money in the bank.

RODNEY. It must be some mistake on the part of our cashier.

MCCHESNEY. Yes it is—ask him.

RODNEY. He’s at lunch.

MCCHESNEY. I’m going to the sheriff now, and unless you make the check good at my office in an hour, I’m going to cancel your advertising, cover up your billboards and send you both to jail, and that goes. (_He exits_)

MARY. Can’t you pay him?

RODNEY. With what?

MARY. What happened to the Countess? Didn’t she give you the money?

RODNEY. No, and she nearly got us for five thousand dollars.

MARY. What?

RODNEY. She’s a fake.

MARY. The swindler! And the man from the Edison Company is here to say that unless they get some money at once they’ll cut off the current from all our signs, and the agent of the landlord is waiting for the rent. He seems very suspicious and wants to be paid for last month right away. What can I say to them?

(_RODNEY shakes his head._)

PEALE. I don’t know.

MARY. Oh, please send for your father and give in.

RODNEY. No.

MARY. You know I want you to succeed, but there’s no use fighting odds like these—you haven’t any money, you’re way in debt, and you mustn’t be disgraced. Please send for your father. I’m sure he’ll help you.

RODNEY. I wonder if I’d better? What do you think, Peale?

PEALE. I don’t know.

MARY. Do telephone him right away. (_Crosses to door lower R._) Now I must try to fix the Edison man and the landlord, or they’ll be in here. (_To PEALE_) What can I say to them?

PEALE. I don’t know.

MARY. Oh, I’ll say you’re both out. (_She exits door lower R._)

PEALE. That’ll be a new one.

RODNEY. Do you happen to know the sheriff?

PEALE. Not yet. I’d like to have a pull enough to get a cell with a southern exposure.

RODNEY. What are we going to do?

PEALE. I don’t know.

RODNEY. What are you here for?

PEALE. I know, but I can’t think.

MISS BURKE. (_Entering_) Mr. Cyrus Martin to see you.

PEALE _and_ RODNEY. Who?

MISS BURKE. Mr. Cyrus Martin.

RODNEY. Have him wait.

PEALE. Have him what? (_Rises and goes to RODNEY_)

RODNEY. Just a minute till I think. When I ring, show him in.

MISS BURKE. Yes, sir. (_She exits_)

PEALE. He must be here to make a deal. Our scheme worked—we’ve put it over, and what did it? Advertising.

RODNEY. But father’s no fool. We’ve got to be very careful. How’ll we handle it? I’m not used to putting it over on father.

PEALE. Don’t forget the factory and the Ivory Soap people and the plans, and get busy. You know. (_He makes motions and brings letter-file from rack and throws contents on desk_) That rubber-stamp stuff.

RODNEY. But isn’t this playing it rather low down on father?

PEALE. Oh, don’t get cold feet now?

RODNEY. We really haven’t anything to sell him.

PEALE. Yes, we have—a trade-mark. You know it’s good, so do I. We only need your father to back us and we’ll make a lot of money for him in spite of himself.

RODNEY. I guess that’s true.

PEALE. Sure it is, and anyhow all’s fair in love and business.

ELLERY. (_Coming in at private door left_) Oh, I beg pardon, but I was so fascinated at meeting the Countess, I forgot my stick.

RODNEY. Can’t see you now, Ellery. (_He goes over and pulls down two windows shades on which are painted ads of 13 Soap_)

PEALE. (_Giving him gloves_) No, can’t ever see you again, Ellery. Here’s your cane. Now, hurry, Ellery. (_He starts to lead him to door_)

ELLERY. The Countess is perfectly delightful—

RODNEY. (_Suddenly goes to ELLERY_) Hold on, hold on, Ellery, can you wait in there five minutes?

ELLERY. (_Pausing_) But the Countess is downstairs in a taxi.

RODNEY. Oh, she’ll wait for you, and charge the taxi to Mr. Peale. He’ll be right in and explain everything to you.

PEALE. Oh, yes, I’ll explain.

ELLERY. I don’t want to detain the Countess too long. Hate to keep a lady waiting—all that sort of thing. You know what women are. (_He exits left_)

PEALE. Now, what is it, what do you want that gink for?

RODNEY. Don’t you see?

PEALE. No, I’m near-sighted.

RODNEY. He’s the son of Ivory Soap. Coach him with some important message from old John Clark to us about a merger, and when father begins to wabble, have Ellery come in with the message. That’ll send father kerflop to the mat.

PEALE. (_Going_) Master! Great, great, I get you. I’ll fix Ellery. This is your father’s Waterloo. (_At door_) As soon as I’ve taught Ellery his lesson I’ll be right back. I’ll tell him when we ring the bell twice, to bust in with his little recitation.

RODNEY. But don’t let him get on to our game.

PEALE. He couldn’t get on to anything but a weighing machine. (_He goes out left_)

(_RODNEY pushes the buzzer and then takes up the ’phone, keeping his eye on the door. In a moment CYRUS MARTIN enters._)

RODNEY. No, much obliged, but we can’t consider it. No stock for sale—it’s quite out of the question. Good-bye. (_Ringing off and then pretending to be surprised, turns and sees his father_) Why, hello, father.

MARTIN. Hello, son.

RODNEY. (_RODNEY gets very busy with papers and rubber-stamp_) Sit down, won’t you? Be with you in just a minute.

MARTIN. (_Drily_) Thanks.

(_RODNEY very busy again with filing papers and opening and closing drawers. MARTIN looks at him in astonishment._)

RODNEY. Have a cigar? (_He abstractedly passes him a box_)

MARTIN. Thanks—(_He bites off end and lights it, and as he does so, RODNEY again gets busy with similar business_) Surprised to see me, I suppose?

RODNEY. Not a bit. (_He starts signing a contract. MARTIN, who has risen, attempts to glance at it, and as he does so, RODNEY calmly turns it over and blots it. MARTIN turns away_) There, that’s done! Now, father, what can I do for you?

MARTIN. Well, my boy—I just dropped in for a social call. The fact is, I’ve rather missed you.

RODNEY. I’ve missed you too, father.

MARTIN. (_Abruptly_) Thought I’d have a look in and find out how things were going. (_Sits in arm-chair R._)

RODNEY. Fine—fine—everything’s breezing right along. Of course, I’m always glad to see you, but right now, father I’m pretty busy, so you’ll excuse me if—(_He gets busy again with rubber-stamp_)

MARTIN. (_With a certain sarcasm_) Well, if you can spare the time, I’d like a little business talk with you, Rodney.

RODNEY. Certainly, in just a minute. (_Gets busy with papers. Pushes the buzzer_)

PEALE. (_Entering_) Oh, excuse me.

RODNEY. That’s all right, come right in. Father, you remember Mr. Peale—Peale, my father——

PEALE. Indeed yes, I recall very well——

MARTIN. (_Gruffly cutting him off_) How are you?

PEALE. (_Sitting in chair left_) A bit tired—just back from Buffalo where I’ve been conducting a big campaign.

MARTIN. Then it is to you I should address myself?

RODNEY. Either or both of us.

MARTIN. (_Rises and goes to desk_) Then both of you listen to me. You’ve got to cut out this nonsense you call advertising.

RODNEY. What nonsense?

PEALE. (_Weakly_) Yes, what?

MARTIN. This morning there was a parade of sandwich-men in front of my house for two hours. I had to have them arrested. I got to the office to find another bunch. It annoys me.

RODNEY. I’m sorry, father.

MARTIN. You’re trying to make a fool of me. I open a letter. It’s a circular for 13 Soap. I open my newspaper—you have a page ad. I look out of the window—there’s a billboard—I take a train, the damned porter apologizes because he’s all out of 13 Soap.

RODNEY. Well, of course, all that proves how wonderful our publicity is.

MARTIN. (_Grimly_) You’re a grand young bluff, my son.

RODNEY. Why, father, what do you mean?

MARTIN. I’ll tell you exactly what I mean: I’ve let you ramble on to see just how far you would go, but you’ve been spending a lot of money on ridiculous advertising, hoping that by annoying me I’ll buy your business to get rid of you. Well, I’m not going to. Now what have you got to say to that? Eh—eh?

PEALE. (_Rises quickly_) Nothing—absolutely nothing. (_Sits_)

RODNEY. (_Quickly_) But I have a lot to say. We may not have a big business now, but we have got a trade-mark, the catchiest trade-mark ever invented for soap. We’re a growing concern. Just because our advertising annoys you, you mustn’t think it’s valueless. Why, it’s so good that capital is chasing us: our money is practically unlimited. Is that a fair statement, Peale?

PEALE. (_Dazed at RODNEY’S bluff_) Very fair—very fair indeed——

MARTIN. Bluff, son, bluff!

RODNEY. Not at all. And since you’re so skeptical, father, I don’t mind letting you see the plans for our new factory. (_Takes plans from desk_)

MARTIN. New factory?

RODNEY. Yes, father—these are the offices, this is Miss Grayson’s office, this is Mr. Peale’s office, and this is mine.

MARTIN. Well, aren’t you going to make any soap?

RODNEY. Right here, where our capacity will be——

MARTIN. Who’s putting up the money?

RODNEY. (_Reprovingly_) Now, father, you cannot expect me to divulge a business secret to you, a rival manufacturer.

PEALE. Oh, why not tell him, he is your father?

RODNEY. Well, Peale, if you really think it is wise?

PEALE. Oh, yes, I think it’s quite wise.

RODNEY. It’s the Ivory Soap people.

MARTIN. (_At once impressed and annoyed_) The Ivory Soap people?

PEALE. (_Rises and goes to desk. Rubbing it in_) Yes, the Ivory Soap people.

MARTIN. You mean John Clark?

RODNEY. Yes.

PEALE. Absolutely. (_MARTIN turns and reflectively walks up-stage. PEALE very obviously picks up push-button and pushes buzzer twice; it rings off left. There is a pause, and then in a moment, ELLERY enters_)

ELLERY. Oh, excuse me. I didn’t know your father was here.

RODNEY. (_Very genially_) That’s all right, Ellery.

PEALE. (_The same_) Come right in.

ELLERY. How do you do, Mr. Martin?

MARTIN. (_Gruffly_) How are you, Ellery?

ELLERY. Well, I really can’t wait any longer. The party downstairs in the taxi—you follow me?

PEALE. Yes, Ellery you told us that——

ELLERY. Well, good-bye, then.

RODNEY. Was that all you came in to say?

ELLERY. (_Remembering_) Oh, yes, of course. If you’ll keep it open until Monday I’ll get the money for you then.

RODNEY. But we can’t wait till Monday.

ELLERY. But Mr. Peale told me——

PEALE. (_Interrupting quickly_) We’ll see what we can do, but just now, Ellery, we’re very much occupied. (_He has him by the arm_)

RODNEY. Oh, just a minute: you’d better give your father back the plans—say they’re quite satisfactory. (_Gives plans to PEALE_)

ELLERY. What plans?

PEALE. Don’t you know?

ELLERY. No.

PEALE. That’s too bad. Well, good-bye, Ellery.

ELLERY. I say, I do find business very confusing. (_He exits_)

PEALE. (_As he comes back_) Ellery talks too much.

RODNEY. He is very indiscreet—if it had been anybody but father he’d have given our whole plan away.

MARTIN. What’s he doing here—acting for his father?

PEALE. Absolutely.

MARTIN. You’re not going to take him in—that pin-head? Why, he didn’t even seem to know what he was _trying_ to get at.

PEALE. No, he didn’t, did he?

RODNEY. But after all, he does represent Ivory Soap.

PEALE. Great soap, Ivory! Over 99 per cent pure. (_Sits in arm-chair L._)

MARTIN. (_Grunting_) Ivory Soap? (_He walks up and down while RODNEY and PEALE exchange gleeful glances. After a considerable pause_) Well, thinking things over, why should you and I fight?

RODNEY. You began it, father.

MARTIN. Quite true, and therefore I should be the one to call it off. Now, son, here’s the idea: I’d rather have you with me than against me—the money doesn’t matter much. In your way, while I don’t endorse that kind of publicity, I suppose you boys think your sensational ads are good.

PEALE. (_Rising_) Thank you, sir.

MARTIN. Not at all. (_To RODNEY_) And if you’re going to have a backer, wouldn’t I be better than the Ivory Soap people?

RODNEY. After all, blood is thicker than business. What do you suggest?

MARTIN. Suppose I buy you out—including your trade-mark and goodwill?

PEALE. Oh, you have our goodwill now, sir. (_Rises and bows very profusely, then sits_)

RODNEY. (_Reflectively_) Buying us out might be expensive for you, father.

MARTIN. Oh, I guess it won’t take all the money I’ve got. What’s your proposition?

RODNEY. What’s yours?

MARTIN. Well, I’ll give you $50,000 for your business as it stands.

RODNEY. But we don’t want to give up our business. I like business.

PEALE. (_Grandly_) We wish to continue in our chosen profession.

MARTIN. Well, suppose you take 25% of the profits in addition?

RODNEY. It’s a wonderful autumn, isn’t it? These crisp cold bracing mornings.

MARTIN. Well, I hardly thought you’d grab at that. What will you take?

RODNEY. (_Rising quickly_) One hundred thousand dollars cash, you assume all the contracts and obligations of this company, give us 40% of the profits, a contract for me at $20,000 a year; for Miss Grayson at $10,000, (_PEALE coughs_)—and another for Mr. Peale at the same figure.

MARTIN. Done. (_Shakes hands with RODNEY_)

(_PEALE and RODNEY exchange looks and shake hands._)

RODNEY. I congratulate you, father.

MARTIN. You needn’t. Your trade-mark might appeal to a lot of superstitious idiots, but as a business proposition I don’t think much of it. But now I’ll show old John Clark he can’t butt into my family affairs or get Ellery mixed up with my boy’s business.

RODNEY. Yes, father, we’d much rather have you than Ellery.

PEALE. Oh, _much rather_.

MISS BURKE. (_Entering_) Oh, Mr. Martin!

RODNEY. Yes?

MARTIN. Yes?

RODNEY. (_Going to her_) That’s for me, father. (_To MISS BURKE_) What is it?

MISS BURKE. The agent for the landlord says he’s got to see you immediately.

RODNEY. (_Motioning her to be quiet_) I’ll be right out. (_To MARTIN, very nervously_) You see, father, we’re thinking of taking larger offices. Come, Peale. We’ll be right back, father.

PEALE. Yes, father, we’ll be right back. (_They hurriedly exit_)

MARTIN. (_Stands there watching them proudly. MISS GRAYSON enters door lower R._) Hello, Miss Grayson, it’s mighty good to see you again—I——

MARY. Oh, Mr. Martin, I’m so glad Rodney finally sent for you.

MARTIN. (_Surprised_) Sent for me? (_Goes in front of desk_)

MARY. Have you talked to him?

MARTIN. Oh, yes, he just went out for a minute to see the agent of the landlord——

MARY. Oh, then he told you about that? (_Goes to him_)

MARTIN. (_Puzzled_) Yes, he told me—why not?

MARY. I am so glad to think he wasn’t ashamed to tell you the truth.

MARTIN. Oh, Rodney always was a truthful lad.

MARY. Oh, I’m so happy you’ve settled with him! You have settled, haven’t you? (_Goes to arm-chair R._)

MARTIN. Yes, sure.

MARY. Oh, good. Isn’t it wonderful for him? (_Very sweetly_) Just think! Without you he couldn’t have lasted out the day. (_Crossing down in front of desk_)

MARTIN. Couldn’t have lasted out the day, ha, ha! Then our little scheme to put Rodney on his feet didn’t work?

MARY. But everything’s all right now. You’re going to help him——

MARTIN. Everything’s great now—(_Knocked off his feet, then recovering himself_) Oh, by the way, in our negotiations the one thing that Rodney didn’t fully go into was the nature of the assets.

MARY. The assets! They must have made even you laugh. Why, we haven’t any! (_She laughs_)

MARTIN. (_Trying to laugh_) Haven’t any! Ha—ha—by the way, there was a report on the Street to-day that the Ivory Soap people were going to make a deal with Rodney—build him a factory—

MARY. (_Innocently_) Oh, there’s nothing in that.

MARTIN. Are you sure? As I got here, I thought I saw Ellery Clark leaving.

MARY. Oh, he didn’t come here on business: Ellery came to borrow some money from Rodney—isn’t that funny?

MARTIN. Oh, yes, very funny—but the plans?

MARY. Rodney showed you some plans? He must have been joking!

MARTIN. (_Changing his whole manner_) The young scoundrel! (_Starts to go up-stage_)

MARY. What!

MARTIN. (_Stops_) Thank you, Miss Grayson, for telling me. Do you know what he tried to do to me? Hold me up for a hundred thousand dollars, make me think Ivory Soap was backing him, too—and but for you, he’d have succeeded.

MARY. What have I done?

MARTIN. You saved me a lot of money and kept me from being a fool. Thank you! Good-morning. (_Starts for door upper R._)

MARY. You mean at last he’d succeeded in getting you to back him?

MARTIN. At last! (_Coming to her, lays hat on desk_) So that was his scheme all the time, was it? He didn’t go into business on the level, but just for my benefit? And you were helping him. Well, he can thank you again for having failed.

MARY. It’s all my fault.

MARTIN. Yes it is, from the start. You got up the plan of my pretending to put him out of the house——

MARY. Oh, but I tell you, you must help him.

MARTIN. Help him yourself. You’ve got $5,000.

MARY. But I gave it to him.

MARTIN. My son took money from you?

MARY. He didn’t know—I pretended it was from a friend.

MARTIN. Well, you got him in; now you can get him out.

MARY. But your bet—you bet $30,000 with John Clark. You don’t want to lose that?

MARTIN. Well, if Ellery’s trying to borrow money from Rodney it looks like an even break—and anyhow I’d lose the bet twice over rather than have my son think he could make a fool of his father.

MARY. But he is a good business man: he’d make you proud of him. You don’t know how hard he’s worked, how fine he’s been; he’s simply wonderful. If he could keep on a little longer, I know he’d succeed. If you’ll just help him, he’ll make money. You’ll see he will.

MARTIN. Of course, you want him to make money. You’re thinking of that percentage contract with me.

MARY. I’m not! Oh, I’m not! I can’t see him fail. Listen: I’ll try to give you back what you’ve given me—I don’t care anything about the contract. I’ll tear it up now if you’ll just help him.

MARTIN. By George, I believe you really are in love with him!

MARY. (_Proudly_) Yes, I am—now. But that doesn’t matter. We’ve got to save him—save his business.

MARTIN. I won’t give him a nickel. Good-bye! (_Starts to go_)

MARY. But you can’t go like this: he’ll be disgraced! He’s in debt.

MARTIN. Let him get out of it—it’ll do him good. I’ve been a sentimental fool. I’ve made it all too easy for him. (_Coming down R._)

MARY. But that’s your fault, too.

MARTIN. Yes it is, and I don’t propose to repeat the error. He’s lied to me all the way through. We’ll let him face the truth; now we’ll see what he’s made of.

(_RODNEY and PEALE enter._)

RODNEY. (_Coming in_) Well, we’re going to move. (_Goes to desk and sits_)

PEALE. Yes, nice chap, that fellow. (_Coming down R._)

RODNEY. Well, Mary, have you heard about our deal?

MARTIN. The deal’s off.

MARY. But—(_Sits in arm-chair L._)

RODNEY. (_Back of desk_) Off!

PEALE. Off! (_Goes up-stage to window_)

MARTIN. Yes, off.

RODNEY. But, why—why?

MARTIN. Because you took me for a bigger fool than I am. My own son can’t do that to me. I’ve found out now that you’re broke.

MARY. Oh, Mr. Martin!

MARTIN. (_Stopping her_) No! (_To RODNEY_) And all the time you were lying to me about the Ivory Soap people and the factory they were going to put up. You thought you could make an ass of me—get the best of me, did you? Well, you can’t. I’m finished with you and your 13 Soap. You’ve got a swelled head, you’re a smart alec, you’re a complete fake, you’re a cheat, young man——

RODNEY. (_In utter dejection_) I guess you’re right.

MARTIN. (_With satisfaction_) Ah!

RODNEY. I did try to be smart. I was stuck on myself. I thought business was a cinch. But you’re right. I have been a fake. This whole thing never seemed real—it was just fun—like a game; but I’ve waked up, and now it’s serious. I tried to get the best of you, but I’ll take my licking. I don’t want any charity: I know what’s coming to me and I’ll take my medicine.

MARTIN. (_Relenting a little_) Well, maybe I’ve said a little too much——

RODNEY. No, it’s all true.

MARTIN. But, see here, I don’t want you disgraced—I——

RODNEY. You told me never to come back to you for a nickel, and I won’t. I told you, too, that I wouldn’t snivel—well, I’m not going to. Good-bye, father——

MARTIN. Now, see here——

RODNEY. Please, father, it’s up to me and nobody else, to get out of this. Please go. (_He holds out his hand_)

MARTIN. (_Gently_) Good-bye, son. (_He shakes his hand. He exits_)

(_RODNEY sits in chair dejected._)

PEALE. (_Coming down to RODNEY_) Now, see here, little boss——

RODNEY. Peale, I’m sorry, but you’re fired.

PEALE. (_Coming over and putting hand on his shoulder_) Say, little boss, you can’t fire me. I’m just going to stick around, whatever happens.

(_MARY touches PEALE on the arm and motions him to go out. He nods understandingly and exits upper R. MARY comes to RODNEY._)

MARY. Oh, Rodney, Rodney, it was all my fault. Your father had no idea of the truth—I didn’t understand; I thought you sent for him to help you. I told him about our company. I did it all—betrayed you.

RODNEY. But you didn’t mean to: it’s all right, Mary.

MARY. You forgive me?

RODNEY. Why, of course: I love you.

MARY. Oh, Rodney, I’m so sorry.

RODNEY. (_Changing completely. Rises_) But if father thinks just because he laced it into me I’m licked, he’s wrong. Maybe I have been a fake but, by George, I won’t be any longer. (_Goes down R._)

MARY. You’re really going on? (_Goes down L._)

RODNEY. When I’ve got you, you bet I am. Say, do you really think a long speech from father and no money to work with are enough to stop me? No, sir; what father said got me for a minute, but I’m not a quitter, and I’ll prove it. There must be something of father in me: I can’t be such a pin-head as I look. I’ll get out of this mess the best way I can, and then I’ll shine shoes or sell peanuts. I’ll start at the bottom instead of finishing there. I’ll make money—I’ll——

MARY. Oh, Rodney, Rodney, now I am proud of you! (_She kisses him unexpectedly and heartily_)