Part 6

“No, m’ Lud, but I can’t make head or tail of him.”

“Never mind his head, and let him manage his own tail. Perhaps he’s a bit of a wag.”

“Very well, m’ Lud. Now, then, tell your story.”

“I’m not a story-teller. I always tell the truth.”

“Yes, yes, but come on with your own tale.”

“Tail! I haven’t a tail. I’m not one of your Darwin monkey-people.”

The lady in the dock gave such a merry laugh at this, that she infected the whole court. Ranulf went into such fits, that his wig slipped down to his chin, and an usher had to come up to the bench and slap him on the back to bring him round. Norval recovered first, and putting on as grave a face as he could, said to Jaques and Ranulf, “Don’t be silly; judges are always stern and grumpy, so we must be too;” and turning to John Doe, said, “What is your complaint against her? Did she steal your heart?”

“No, my Lord; it was her own heart.”

[Sidenote: O’ER ME STEELING.]

“Her own heart! How can that be? How could her own heart be stolen by her?”

“I never said it was stolen, my Lord, I only said she steeled it.”

“Surely that’s bad grammar, again,” whispered Jaques.

“But I want to know,” said Norval, “how could she steal what was her own?”

“Well, my Lord, you see I gave her my whole heart.”

“Gave it her? I thought you charged her with stealing it?”

“No, my Lord, never! It was her own she steeled.”

“Well, well,” said Norval, “go on; try to explain it in your own way.”

“This was the way, my Lord; I wanted her to be my sweetheart.”

[Sidenote: OFFERING AMENDS.]

“That’s right, my Lord,” said the lady; “and I was tart without the sweet, I admit.”

“Yes, my Lord, a regular Tartar; when I gave her my whole heart, she steeled hers against me.”

“True,” said the prisoner; “your Lordship must know he came with so much brass, that I could only meet him with irony, particularly as I fancied he was after the tin.”

Practical Jaques here broke in once more, saying, “Would it not put the matter all right if she gave you back your heart?”

“Oh, but, my Lord, I gave her my whole heart, and she’s broken it.”

“That need not be a difficulty,” said the lady; “I’ll soon put it together; I’m very good at a patchwork quilt.”

The Clerk, who had been dozing, wakened up once more at this, and said, “She admits her guilt, m’ Lud.”

“You make a Qurious mistake,” said the lady; “I said quilt, not guilt.”

[Sidenote: THE BOUNDING DOE.]

The Clerk was off to sleep again, so made no answer.

[Illustration]

“My Lord,” said the lady, “here is his heart; I have offered it back to him often, but he always said he did not want it, he wanted mine.”

[Sidenote: FROM BOX TO BOX.]

So saying, she pulled out of a neat little chatelaine bag which hung at her side a small bundle wrapped up in silver paper.

“Are you willing to give it back to him?” said Jaques.

“With all my heart,” said she.

No sooner were these words uttered than a tremendous hurrah rang out from the box in which the witness was enclosed, and John Doe proved the upstart character Victoria had given him, by bursting the lid of the box open and starting up in the air, sending the ushers upon it flying, and, jumping out on the floor, he rushed up to the dock and gave the prisoner a great hug.

To this she replied by giving him a tremendous box on the ear.

“What!” said he, “did you not say you would give me all your heart with my own?”

“Well, you have me there,” said she; “but you must take the whole or none. When you asked for my heart, you asked for my hand as well, and you must take the one with the other,”—giving him another box on the ear.

[Sidenote: OH GOODY!]

The curious thing was, that from each box a number of little round things fell with a clatter and scattered themselves on the floor.

The noise woke the Clerk, who, starting up, called out, “Silence in the court!”

The hubbub still continuing, he shouted, “What is all this?”

[Illustration]

“Oh, nothing,” said the lady, skipping out of the dock, and administering a box on the ear to the Clerk; “only boxes of Victoria Lawsenj’s.”

“Lozenges!” shouted the jury. “Oh, give me some!” cried everybody.

[Sidenote: BEST MIXTURES.]

[Illustration]

[Sidenote: VICTORIA’S RAIN.]

“Certainly,” said she; and before you could count 10, the whole of the jury, counsel, ushers, and spectators were sprawling on the ground, showers of lozenges falling in all directions,—thus once more demonstrating what every one knows, that there’s no rain like Victoria’s, and that Royal Boxes often contain the sweet. As everybody scrambled after the lozenges, the whole court became a scene of confusion. The boys, however, who had a notion that judges must be dignified, remained quite still, only peering over their desks to see what was going on. As the boxes continued, the court got ankle-deep in lozenges, in which the people tumbled about, cramming them into their mouths and pockets by handsful. The pile rose so high that Ranulf could resist the temptation no longer, but with his long pen drew a lozenge towards him, and keeping as grave as he could, stooped down and picked it up. As he had been taught not to be selfish, he broke it in three and handed two of the pieces to Norval and Jaques. They were just going to eat them, when the lady called out—

“Oh, boys, surely you would not eat what was picked up off the floor! that would be being bad judges of sweet things.”

[Sidenote: VIRTUE REWARDED.]

They stopped at once. Ranulf could not help casting a wistful eye at his bit of lozenge, but getting the better of himself, he threw it down, and the others did the same.

“That’s right,” said the lady; “so now you will not get a Victoria Lawsenj box on the ear, like the other stupid people tumbling about there: here are some nice clean sweetmeats for you.” So saying, she handed each of the boys a lovely little box, made of chased gold and blue enamel, and marked out in diamonds on the lid, “Genuine—our own manufacture.” A prompt “Thank you” came from each judge’s desk; and on the boxes being opened, the boys found in them, not the common lozenges that were flying about the floor, but most lovely bonbons, which tasted more delicious than any they ever had before.

Meanwhile the scene in court baffled description. Everybody was cramming himself with lozenges, which, strangely enough, set them coughing furiously.

[Sidenote: PREPARE TO CHARGE.]

“Don’t you think we had better get out of this Babel?” said the lady.

“I think so,” said Ranulf; “but how can we do it?”

“Oh, well,” said she, “I will manage it; I will even charge the jury, if necessary.”

So saying, she took little Ranulf up in her arms, and telling the other boys to keep close behind her, turned and said to the jury—

“Now it is quite evident you have agreed, by the way you are over-eating yourselves, so you can return your verdict.”

“No,” said the foreman, “don’t hurry us; we are not ready.”

“Oh, come, that’s nonsense; surely you can give it _tout de suite_, after swallowing so much sugar.”

“Well, we must be charged first.”

“Oh, I’ll charge you.”

“But how?”

“At ever so great a rate.”

[Sidenote: CHARGING THE JURY.]

“Stop a minute!” cried one.

“I seconds that motion,” said another.

“The motion of seconds is too fast for minutes to be stopped; besides, they don’t belong to us, not being hours, so we have no right to stop them.” So saying, she charged across the court, tumbling the jury over on the top of John Doe in the middle of the lozenges.

“Don’t do that,” gasped the jury, “and we will pay you whatever your charge may be.”

“Oh, there’s nothing to pay for the lozenges. We don’t sell ourselves, we only sell other people! Ta, ta” said the lady, and led the boys out at the door. On reaching the entrance, she bid them good-bye, at which they looked rather blank, as they had hoped she would stay with them; and seeing this, she said—

“My dear boys, I cannot come with you, as it is time for afternoon tea, and I must have that. T comes before U, does it not?” So saying, she kissed them, and passed them out at the door.

[Sidenote: OMINOUS BUS.]

As they stepped into the street a voice shouted,

“Take your seats, take your seats! Blunderbus just going off!”

The boys turned round and saw a short fat gun, evidently an infant of the Woolwich infant. On a sign on the wall opposite it was painted “DOUBLE ACTION BLUNDERBUS CO𐞲. (unlimited).”

“Why does it point up so much?” asked Jaques.

“Well, ye see, sir, the street ’ere is pretty steep; that’s how it’z erranged mortar-like.”

“Which way is it going?” asked Norval, not wishing to return by the street they had already walked along.

“Both ways,” said the conductor. “Hinside passengers one way, houtside t’other.”

“How do you manage that?” asked Norval.

“Himproved happlication of Mongrieff’s recoil utilizer. When we goes hoff, hinside passengers blown to Hattems, houtside recoils with shock and ’orrer in hopposite d’rection.”

[Sidenote: MISS MANAGE MEANT IT.]

The boys at once resolved they would not go inside, but from curiosity ran round to look into the gun. They found, packed very tight in it, three wooden soldiers, a grate party with two brass dogs at his feet, a dancing nigger, a Miss Manage—who, being on her way to an archery meeting, had a beau by her side—a dumb-waiter, and a snob.

This reassured the boys, who, not wishing to go up the steep street towards which the gun pointed, clambered on to the top. They were scarcely seated, when a clown with a red-hot poker rushed out of the coach-office, and applied the end to the touch-hole. Immediately there is a fearful bang, and the Blunderbus starts backwards. The inside passengers fly down the street helter-skelter, except Miss Manage, who keeps herself collected, shooting out gracefully _à la_ Zazel, being, alas! a sell for her beau, who wishes to cut his stick; but she, without a quiver even in her eyelid, holds on to him as he talks of flight, turning ashy pale at such a narrow escape. Not having forgotten the excellent rule to have two strings to your beau, she had made a bolt impossible.

[Sidenote: AGUNNY.]

[Illustration]

The dumb-waiter, cured by what would make most people speechless (a proof of the truth of homœopathy), flew in all directions, shouting “Yessir, yessir!” The wooden soldiers pulled themselves together for a moment to salute an officer who was passing, which they did with the wrong hand, and then sped on in more fragments than before. The grate party was smashed so small that even his dogs did not know him; the nigger’s nether limbs went off down the street by themselves, and were at once apprehended as black-legs by the police, while the rest of him formed a kind of Black’s Atlas upon the pavement. The snob, as was natural, disappeared in any number of vulgar fractions.

[Sidenote: HEAVY BACKING.]

[Illustration]

The Blunderbus ran back at a great pace for a mile, butting over two Papal bulls, sending spinning mules without number, and ended by knocking ten feet out of a square yard, in which a regiment of soldiers was being drilled.

[Sidenote: SUCH A STATE.]

Our trio, who had been rather alarmed during their ride, jumped off the gun the moment it stopped, and, as boys will always do, ran off to look at the soldiers. On getting near they were surprised to see that each man had a nigger lady beside him. While they were wondering what this could mean, the Colonel, who wore a shell jacket, and had a husky voice, rode up on a clothes-horse, and handed Norval a parade state, which was as follows:—

+--------------------------------------------------------------------+ | TWOTY-TENTH BOSHSHIRE RUFFS, _37th Marchuary 7718_. | +----------------+---------+---------+----------+---------+----------+ | | Present | Present | Absent | Absent | Tea | | | with | without | in | in | Tottles. | | | Leave. | Leave. | Mind. | Body. | | +----------------+---------+---------+----------+---------+----------+ | Kernels, | 0 | 1½ | 1½ | 0 | | | Ragers, | 0 | 2¾ | 2 | ¾ | | | Catpins, | 0 | 7.09 | 5 | 2.09 | | | Bluelandlords, | 0 | 10 | 10 | 0 | | | Scar Gents, | 0 | 15.4 | 0 | 15.4 | | | Noodlers, | 0 | 11 | 11 | 0 | | | Fank and Rile, | 0 | 550.7 | 550.7 | 0 | | +----------------+---------+---------+----------+---------+----------+ | T Tottles, | Add | them up | for your | self. | | +----------------+---------+---------+----------+---------+----------+ | A. NUTT, | | _Kernel of the Core._ | +--------------------------------------------------------------------+

[Sidenote: BROWN BESSIES.]

“How is it,” said practical Jaques, who observed that the men had only wooden guns, “that your men have no rifles?”

“Well, sir, we don’t go in for new-fangled notions here,” said the Colonel; “we hold on to our Brown Bessies, as you see.”

All the nigger ladies grinned tremendously at this, and called out, “Ya! ya! dat all right, Massa Kurnel.”

“Will you keep those brown Bessiers stock-still?” shouted the Colonel to the men; “if you don’t, you shan’t have any ball.”

At this everybody looked very blank, and the Brown Bessies became suddenly immovable. The Colonel then gave the word of command—

“Boshshire Roughs, ’SHUN.”

All the men at once turned away, and put their hands in their pockets, displaying the most contemptuous indifference to the brown ladies, who now were all attention and smiles, trying to coax the men to turn to them again.

[Sidenote: GREAT SHAKES.]

“Will you inspect the corps?” said the Colonel.

The boys walked down to the end of the line, whereupon the band, which consisted of one fife and 29 triangles, struck up—

Tinkle, tinkle, little Shah, Did you ever see a nigger with a white papa? Pickaninny here and pickaninny da, You’ll never find a single darkey, ha, ha, ha!

As they came near the line, the Colonel took from his pocket a magnifying-glass as big as the crown of a hat, and handed it to Norval, who asked—

“What am I to do with it?”

[Sidenote: HE LIKE A SOLDIER FELL.]

At this question the entire regiment burst into a tremendous guffaw, laughing till the tears ran down their cheeks, and the whole line was a scene of pocket-handkerchiefs, each being as big as a Turkish-bath towel, and as there was a high wind, of course this caused a great fluttering and shaking. The boys thought this very unlike the soldiers they had been accustomed to see, particularly as the officers and sergeants laughed and shook more than the men, and the Colonel, going off into a broad grin, laughed and grew so fat that his very steed became infected, and losing half its understanding and all its breeding, indulged in a horse-laugh, which shook it so that when the rider fattened, it sank under his weight, bringing him plump to the ground. A fatigue party had to come to his assistance, and when he had been propped up by two long crutches, one on each side of his horse, he tried to speak, but could scarcely get on for laughing.

[Illustration]

“You want, ha, ha, ha! to know, ho, ho, ho! what the big glass is for?”

“Yes.”

“Well, you see, ah, ha, ha, ha! it’s because of, ha, ha, ha, ha! Mr Sadpebble and Lord Guardsell.”

“Who are they?”

“Oh! they, ha, ha, ha! were the mime primister and skekentary of skate for raw, ho, ho, ho!”

“But what have they to do with the glass?”

[Sidenote: SMALL BY DEGREES, ETC.]

“They managed things so, you see, ha, ha, aha, ha, ha! that everything was getting small, ho, ho, ho! the regiments were getting smaller, and the men were getting smaller, and the chests were getting smaller, and the efficiency was getting smaller, and the contentment was getting smaller, ha, ha, ha, ha! so they, ha, ha! they, ha, ha, ha! they, ah, ha, ha, ha! they took to military spectacles to make things look better.”

“But surely no one would be deceived by that?”

[Sidenote: A LAME HALT.]

“Oh yes, ha, ha, ha! they deceived the general.”

“Which general?” said Jaques.

“Oh, we’ve only one general here—General Public—he’s the boy for mobilisation, oh, haha, haha, ha!”

He laughed so loud and shook so much that the crutches, trembling under him, stuck in the ground, and his horse, walking off, left him up in the air between the crutches. This did not seem to disconcert him at all, but brandishing his sword, he shouted—

“Battalion, halt!”

As the regiment was standing still already, the boys thought this a very funny order to give; but they were more surprised still when they saw the whole line set off marching, all limping as if they had blistered feet.

“Very well, _very_ steadily done,” said the Colonel, as they came bobbing and limping towards him, like a lot of ducks in a thunder-storm. Presently, on their coming close to him, he shouted—

[Sidenote: PUSSIAN TACTICS.]

“Double!”

At this they all turned round and went off in the opposite direction, limping slower and slower.

“Surely that’s wrong,” said Jaques; “that’s right about turn; they should have gone straight on and faster.”

“Not at all,” said the Colonel; “in our movements we follow Levrett’s manœuvres.”

“But that’s not the way to double march,” said Jaques.

“Oh yes, it is. Did you ever see a March hare double? Well, we double just as he does. Pussian tactics, you know.”

Without waiting for an answer he cried—

“Discharge!”

and gallantly going at the head of his men on his crutches, shouted “Victory!” After they were brought to a stand at one end of the ground, he gave the order—

“Stand a tease!”

Upon this the Brown Bessies turned round upon the men and began to plague them most horribly, pulling their hair, poking fingers into their ears, and pricking them with pins. The men stood it for some time wonderfully, but at last began to bawl out.

[Sidenote: LOOK TO YOUR DRESSING.]

[Illustration]

“No bawl practice without my orders!” shouted the Colonel; and then tremendously loud—

“ALL DRESS!”

Everybody immediately stopped. The Brown Bessies at once produced combs and brushes, and commenced a vigorous hair-dressing, and the men began putting on white kid-gloves.

“What is the meaning of that?” said Ranulf.

[Sidenote: PRESTO! CHANGE!]

“Preparing for ball practice,” said the Colonel. “In our tactics we go in for leading the enemy a pretty dance. That’s far the best way.”

“Change ranks!”

he shouted. The boys could not afterwards make out how it had happened, but the Colonel had scarcely given this order when, instead of being on the dull, dingy parade-ground, they stood on a most lovely floor that seemed all to be made of ivory inlaid with gold. The Brown Bessies were brown no longer, but fair ladies beautifully dressed; the men were in splendid costumes; the band had no triangles, but discoursed most lovely music. The boys, looking round, saw they were in an immense hall, lighted by ten thousand wax candles; and as all the walls were mirror, the brilliant scene repeated itself as far as the eye could see, and probably further. But the most beautiful thing of all was, that when the ladies and gentlemen began to dance, instead of bouncing about in a crowd, bumping and knocking one another, each couple floated from the ground, gliding along in the air smoothly and gracefully; and as the music rose and fell, fast and then slow, they flew, now in joyous bounds, now gracefully circling in soft dreamy waves, now whirling with birdlike speed, anon wafted along like a gossamer borne on the almost motionless air of a summer day; the measure having always such grace and ease in its fury, such firm-swept curve in its calm, that the little fellows stood gazing in rapt delight.

[Sidenote: SOMETHING LIKE DANCING.]

When the dance was over, half the mirrors on the walls folded back, moved by unseen hands, and the ladies and gentlemen strolled out to a lovely terrace, rich with flowers of every hue, where fountains threw water in sparkling diamonds to the sun. As each couple emerged from the building, a flower that grew on the parterre detached a lovely blossom, which, floating in the air towards them, growing ever larger and larger, moved wherever they turned their steps, shading them from the sun, and surrounding them with its perfume. Strange, too, that it did not appear to be matter of chance which flower performed formed this friendly office, for the blossom that floated over the heads of each pair that roamed the garden, was always of a colour harmonising admirably with the costume beneath. A couple dressed in pale blue were attended by a primrose; two that wore green had a lovely snow-white lily for their shade; a third pair, who were in white, rejoiced in the protection of a scarlet geranium; and a fourth, in a pearly grey, had a most delicate pink blossom for their attendant.

[Sidenote: HARMONY OF COLOURS.]

It was a lovely sight, but small boys soon get tired of the beautiful unless there is some fun going; so after our trio had gazed for a time on the people with their varied dresses, they began to long for something more exciting. Looking about, they saw at one end of the lawn a large gateway, and started off at a run to see whither it led. On getting near the gate, they observed a funny little man sitting on the arch above it, who, the moment they came up, said, “Put them down.”

“We don’t carry anything,” said Norval.

[Sidenote: WHAT’S HE UP TO.]

“Yes you do, though,” said the little man. “What names do you bear?”

[Illustration]

The boys told him, at which he gave a triumphant sniff, and said, “If you bear names, look at your dictionary and see what bear means. My dictionary says it means carry. Don’t carry them any longer; put them down.”

“What is he up to?” said Jaques, bewildered.

“Up to the top of the door, don’t you see, stoopid?” said the little man. “Sometimes I’m up to anything, but just at present I’m only up to the top of a door. Why do you make me a contradiction of myself?”

“But we don’t,” said Norval.

[Sidenote: DOWN, DOWN, DERRY DOWN.]

“Oh yes, you do. Here I am up at the top of the door, and yet you make me be down upon you at the same time. It’s very inconvenient to be put in two places at once; so don’t do it again, that’s all.”

“But you can’t be in two situations at once,” said Jaques.

“But I say you can,” said the little man, “and more than two. You can be in the heat of an argument, in the middle of a cold audience, in the wrong box, and in the hope of getting out of it, and in a great mistake in thinking so, all at once. So once more I say, put them down.”