Part 2
Miss Hortense is working a Beautiful Piece of Embroidery. It is a Motto in Green and Gold. It asks What is Home without a Mother. When Miss Hortense gets it Done, she will Give it to her Beau, who Tends a Dry Goods counter. You cannot see Miss Hortense’s Mother. She is in the Back Yard doing the Week’s Washing. By and by she will be Bringing in Coal for the Parlor Stove, because Miss Hortense’s beau is Coming to-night.
❦
A Toilet Episode.
[Illustration]
Mamma’s Tooth-brush is on the Bureau. Suppose we scrub out the Sink with it. Then Mamma will wonder what she has Eaten to give her such a Bad Breath. She will Think the Tooth-brush has been Sitting up with a Corpse.
❦
A Terrible Monster.
[Illustration]
Oh, what an awful Sight! It is the Editor of the Colorado Springs _Gazette_. He has Long, White Teeth and there is Blood on his gums. He is a Bad Man and he has just Eaten a Poor Little Baby. He is trying to get the Capital Removed. If he gets the Capital Removed, he will Eat a Poor Little Baby every Day. You must Tell your Dear Papa not to vote to have the Capital Removed.
❦
Poor Pussy.
[Illustration]
Here we have a Dornick and a Cat. The Cat is Approaching the Well. She thinks there is a Mouse there. Suppose we approach the well with the Dornick. There is no Mouse as we Can See. Perhaps the Mouse is at the Bottom of the Well. Let us Hitch the Dornick to the Cat and Put Them in the Well. Then the Cat will not Come back without the Mouse.
❦
A Fish Story.
[Illustration]
See the Fish. The Fish is a Trout and Breathes through his Ears. He lives in a Brook and May be if you try you can Catch him. Any little Boy who catches so many measles ought to be Able to Catch one little Fish. The Trout Weighs four Ounces, but you can say he weighs four Pounds. Do not call him a Speckled Beauty or you will be Shot. Eat him, Head, Tail, Inwards and All, and get a little Bone in your Throat if you Can.
❦
Beware.
[Illustration]
Oh, children you Must never chew Tobacco--it is Awful! The Juice will Quickly make You sick, If once you get your Maw Full.
--_S. J. Tilden._
[Illustration]
The Vigilant Cop.
Do not Make a Noise or you will Wake the Policeman! He is Sitting on the Door Step asleep. It is very Hard on Him to Have to Sleep out of Doors these Cold Nights. There is a Bank being Robbed around the Corner and a Woman is being killed in the next Block. If the Policeman Waked up, he might Find it out and Arrest somebody. Some people Believe this is what Policemen are for, but the Policemen do not Think so.
❦
Something Doing.
[Illustration]
Is this a Cemetery? No, it is a Picture of Pueblo during the Busy Season. Do you see the Man Patting the Dog on the Back and Promising him a Bone if he will lie Down and Go to Sleep again? This is What they Call an Intensely Exciting Sensation in Pueblo. The Earth is going to Live five hundred Million years Longer, and Pueblo expects to be the State Capital before the End of that Time. You will not Live to see it the Capital--or, at least, you ought to Hope Not.
❦
Poor Little Bennie.
[Illustration]
Bennie is Lying in the Cradle and he is Crying because Mamma will not give him the Moon. What a Naughty Mamma not to Give her little Boy the Moon! But Mamma does not care how much Bennie Cries. She has a Son, and the Moon can go to Thunder.
❦
Our Motor Press.
[Illustration]
Is this Not a Beautiful steam Press? The Steam is Lying Down on the Floor taking a Nap. He came from Africa and is Seventy years Old. The press Prints Papers. It can Print nine hundred papers an Hour. It takes One hour and Forty Minutes to Print the Edition of the Paper. The paper has a circulation of Thirty-seven Thousand. The Business Manager says So.
❦
Freedom Defined.
[Illustration]
Why is this great and glorious country called America? Principally because that is its name. Can you bound it? No, because it is a republic and will not be bound.
❦
A Political Object Lesson.
[Illustration]
Do you see that Candidate over There! He is standing still. He is a Democratic Candidate. If he were a Republican he Would be Running. Democratic Candidates are not real Candidates. They can not Run. They do not even Walk. When you are very Tired and Want to rest you ought to Become a Democratic Candidate.
❦
Honesty on the Run.
[Illustration]
If a poor but honest voter chases a reformer four blocks in ten hours, how many blocks will he have to go to catch him? This depends altogether on the location of the Bank.
[Illustration]
The Truth About the Cherry Tree.
Who was George Washington? He was Mrs. Washington’s little Boy. One Day he went out in the Orchard and got the Hired Man to chop down a cherry tree. “Who has done this Deed?” asked George’s mother that Very Afternoon. There was Blood in the Old Lady’s Eye. In order not to get fired, the Hired Man gave George two marbles and a Top to say he Did it. “Mamma,” said George, “I cannot Tell a Lie. I Done it with the Ax.” Whereupon his Mother complimented him on his Truthfulness, but gave him One in the Neck for using Bad Grammar.
❦
An Ode to a Cat.
[Illustration]
A hungry Cat-- A foolish Rat. A lively Run-- Exciting Fun.
Ferocious Jaws-- Remorseless Claws. A dying Squeal-- A hearty Meal.
Alas, poor Rat! O happy Cat!
❦
Look Out! Boogies!
[Illustration]
Did you ever see a Bugaboo? Ask Mamma to Blow out the Light to-night after you Go to Bed and Let you See a Bugaboo? It has a Big Voice like a Bear, and its Claws are as long as a Knife. It will Bite Good Little Children and Run off with them to the Cold Dark Woods where they can Never see Mamma any More. If you are Good, Beware of Bugaboos.
[Illustration]
Hot Air vs. Cold Water.
See the Wind Mill. It is a Pretty Sight. It has Sails that go Round and Round and Make a Noise like the Whirring of a bird’s wings. The Wind Mill Looks Sad. It has had Hard Luck. It used to be a Democratic politician and Furnish Enthusiasm for Arapahoe county Campaigns. But Wind will not Run a Campaign and so the Wind Mill lost its Job. And now it Stands out on a Bleak Prairie and Hauls water out of the Cold, hard Earth for a living. Any Kind of Honest Labor is awful rough on a Democrat, but Having Anything to Do with Water breaks him All Up.
❦
The Worried Magnate.
[Illustration]
Who is the old man I see? The old man is a Railroad Builder, and his brow is clouded. Why is his brow clouded? It is clouded because this is Monday and he cannot build any railroad track. Why can he not build railroad track on Monday? Because he is pious and remembers the Sabbath day to keep everybody he can hire wholly--busy. He only builds on Sunday. This is the reason he is so much respected in saloons and other mercantile establishments.
❦
His Day of Rest.
[Illustration]
Is this a Sunday? Yes, it is a Sunday. How Peaceful and Quiet it is. But Who is the Man! He does not Look Peaceful. He is a reporter and he is Swearing. What makes him Swear? Because he has to Work on Sunday? Oh, no! He is Swearing because he has to Break the Fourth Commandment. It is a sad thing to be a Reporter.
❦
The Foxy Compositor.
[Illustration]
Has the Printer tobacco? He has But he will not Tell you So. He carries it in the Leg of his Boot and when he wants a Chew he Sneaks down in the Back Alley where Nobody can See him. When he Spits tobacco, it Sounds like a Duck diving in the Water. The printer is a Queer man. He is a Fickle person. Sometimes he has Ten thousand Ems on the string, but they are Always his Dupes. If you are a Printer, Do not Be a Blacksmith, or you will get Fired.
[Illustration]
’Tis sad--there’s an end to all good things. ❦
Other Field Books.
❦
Eugene Field Book $0.60 Field--DeKoven Song Book 2.00 Holy Cross and Other Tales 1.25 House, The 1.25 Little Book of Profitable Tales 1.25 Little Book of Western Verse 1.25 Love Affairs of Bibliomaniac 1.25 Love-songs of Childhood 1.00 Lullaby-land 1.50 Second Book of Tales 1.25 Second Book of Verse 1.25 Sketch of Field, by Francis Wilson 1.25 Songs and Other Verse 1.25 Songs of Childhood 1.00 With Trumpet and Drum 1.00 Life and Letters. S. Thompson 1.00 Echoes from Sabine Farm 2.00 The Tribune Primer. Illustrated .50 Sharps and Flats. 2 vol. 2.50
_A Sure Cure for the Blues_
The Funniest Book in Print.
[Illustration: THE TRIBUNE PRIMER
BY EUGENE FIELD.
With original illustrations by JOHN C. FROHN BOSTON, MASS. HENRY A. DICKERMAN & SON. Publishers 1900. ]
It won’t make a horse laugh because it wasn’t written for horses:--but any person who can read this book through without laughing must have an impediment in his smilax.
New copyright edition; gilt edge, bound in art cloth, printed on Bengalore book paper from English type, illustrated with ninety-four of the most comical pen and ink “skits” ever seen. Original poster cover in two colors, that will appeal to your bump of humor. Price 50 cents at your dealers, or of the publishers
Henry A. Dickerman & Son 55 Franklin Street, Boston, Mass. _N. B.--A handsome POSTER free with every copy._
A SOFT WORD FROM Robert J. Burdette REGARDING “What Happened to Wigglesworth”
❦
Abraham Lincoln once said, “God must love plain people, because he made so many of them.” Then humor must be heaven born, because it glorifies the commonplace.
Mr. Fuller’s humor has no need of the finger post of an introduction. His manner bears no stamp save that of his own personality. His characters introduce themselves as old friends, who try to surprise us by thinly disguised voices, by the change of a beard, or the innocent assumption of ignorance of our identity. The people concerning whom Mr. Fuller writes in these chronicles, he would have us believe dwell in Maine. But I knew them in Illinois; you have them in New York; they are your neighbors in California. We recognize them as old friends. Some busy years have separated us; a multitude of cares have swarmed into our lives and driven them out of our thought, and grateful are we that this apostle of humor suddenly turns the limelight of his humor upon the stage of this old work-a-day world of ours, revealing the little group of actors to our gaze saying, “Did you ever see these people before?” And our ready, happy looks of glad and instant recognition contradict our “No we never did” that goes with the extended hand of welcome greeting. Into his book, Mr. Fuller has put the laughter of our own lives. Our highest and most grateful appreciation of what he has done, will be to take the laughter of his book into our own hearts.
ROBERT J. BURDETTE.
Cairo, Egypt, February 6, 1901.
“What Happened to Wigglesworth”
BY W. O. FULLER, JR.
Handsomely bound and illustrated with several full page drawings. It will please everyone who likes good innocent humor. 12mo. Gilt Top. Price $1.50.
HENRY A. DICKERMAN & SON, PUBLISHERS, 55 Franklin Street, Boston.
Done in types & pulled off the press of Lounsbery Nichols & Worth Company Boston
Transcriber’s Notes
Punctuation, hyphenation, and spelling inconsistencies were not changed.
Simple typographical errors were corrected; unbalanced quotation marks were remedied when the change was obvious, and otherwise left unbalanced.
This book does not have a Table of Contents or a List of Illustrations.
The original book used leaf-like symbols as separators or decorations. This eBook uses ❦ for all of them, and Transcriber added a few more at the bottoms of what were pages in the original book.
Page 43: “Wierd” was printed that way.