Part 7

“And the best trade going,” replied he; “you ought to know that, you served three _apprenticeships_ to it, though you haven’t _sacked_ the _soot_ out of the _last old family_ chimney yet.”

“Past twelve o’clock,” yelped Bob Tonic, tossing the cabbages over, “you’d better _shut shop_ and _go home_ mistress.”

“What and leave such a noisy fellow as you heir to my cabbages? No! no! I’ll make you a present of one for your little family, but the _young caterpillars of my own_ must divide the remainder.”

“Any thing to be given away here?” asked old Tonic, in the character of a fisherman, with a net of gudgeons.

“Yes,” answered Jerry Sneak, “a cabbage as hard hearted as yourself.”

“I suppose if it had been a _sop in the pan_ you’d have seized it,” replied the doctor.

“Oh I’ll make him a present of one as well as his son, for the trouble of distributing my remaining stock,” said the cabbage woman; during which speech Mr. Prolix at her elbow exclaimed, “Don’t forget a few leaves for me.”

“You need not tell me, lawyers can look as sharp for a cabbage as a tailor; you’ll take care of yourself no doubt, only mind the caterpillars don’t blight your share of the pickings,” resumed the widow, and away she trundled.

“Any old cloaths! cloaths! cloaths!” cried Mr. Deposit, catching hold of Mr. Undermine’s mole-skin domino, “any _common counshil_ men’s _cowns_ to _shell_?”

“No,” replied Undermine, surlily, “don’t bother me, I never traffic with Jews, I like open dealing.”

“Ah, but you _tont teal open_ wit you neighbours, you trick dem in de dark; _haf_ you _cot_ any quantity of mole’s skins in you _pack cround_, I’ll puy dem all, I vont some for a pair of _couty shoes_ for an _owlt frint_ vot can _pay_ you vell.”

“Sirrah, begone!” exclaimed Mr. Simon, who was waddling behind his _par_ forgetting he was a goose.

“Oh, my cot vat _you_ talk; vel I vos never! no never, hear de like; how much you ax for your feathers? come, I make a _pargain_ wit you.”

“Hiss him! hiss him!” exclaimed Alderman Cheesecake, en passant.

“Vell! vell! I’ll go tell all my peoplish about de wonderful _coose_ vat I heard talk; I tink now you voud look very stilish wit a sage nosegay, and a necklace of onions hung round your _neak_.”

“You deserve a d--d good thrashing for making me the sport of the company,” replied the goose.

Hah! hah! hah! laughed the jew, most immoderately, “_You_ make de sport not me. Shall I treat you wit a slish of hot plum-pudding? Titly Tol, where are you, here’s de talking _coose_ in a passion for her supper,” and off he slipped in search of the walking cupboard.

A huge bear now rushed in, who throwing his paws round Mrs. Deposit’s neck, moosled her most violently, and caused her to utter a loud shriek for the assistance of the watchman to take the Bear into custody before the sitting Alderman, who jocosely replied he was not _sitting_, nor was he in office. Bob Tonic took aim at the bear with his staff, and the shaggy animal, in revenge, served Bob’s wife the same trick; which in fact he practised on every female not excepting Rosa, whom it was remarked he sniffed at and surveyed with seeming sagacity, and saluted as politely as any bear could possibly do.

He next seized hold of Mrs. Henpeck’s cat-o-ninetails and rearing himself on his hind legs gave her a sharp lash over the shoulders and threw it down; he then seized Lady Dol-snip, encircling her waist with one paw and escorting her with the other all round the room for a promenade, to the terror of some and diversion of others; for little Miss Minerva was so frightened that the bear should touch her, that her mama had much trouble to convince her it was not a real animal, and when he approached to pay his quadrupedical respects Mrs. Fungus assured Mr. Bruin she should feel herself much obliged if he would lay aside or exchange his dress, as it much annoyed her company, and she was astonished any _gentleman_ should assume so unprepossessing a character.

This rebuff in some measure restricted the liberties of the bear, who paced off to the dancers, where he caused much confusion by chiming in between every couple and turning every body the wrong way, and in going hand across with the goose catched him fast by the beak and set the whole group in a roar of laughter.

He next upset the devil-upon-two sticks; by resuming his quadrupedical march twitched off Mrs. Coniac’s shoe, by which he discovered a large hole in her stocking, which he took great pains to display to the company, by gripping her foot fast in his paw and growling fiercely over it to cause attention, much to the dismay of the lady; and poor Tiddy Tol’s plum pudding basket was overturned with as little ceremony, a slice from which he snatched away and walked off with it in his mouth towards charity and her three children, to whom he dropped the piece of pudding as his mite, much to her ladyship’s amusement, for in this well assumed character Lady Lustre collected near ten pounds for dame Margery’s twins.

Having now practised innumerable antics, and tormented the people almost beyond bearing, Bruin was retiring from the busy scene to re-dress when he accidentally popped upon Major Pea-Chick, the sultan, to whom giving a cornish brotherly hug till the little man cried for mercy, he hoisted him dexterously upon his back and returned with him mounted á la Mamoset, into the drawing room, where at the feet of the terrified Miss Minerva he shook off his burthen, by tipping the Major heels over head; he vowed to be revenged on the _audacious brute_, be who he would; but his ursine majesty could make no reply, he growled ludicrously and made a precipitate retreat out of the house into a little back cottage, where he had previously conveyed a change of dress to avoid detection, and returned to the company e’er he was well missed, as Captain Allclack, equipped in costume, with an immense snuff box, the macaba of which he had plentifully impregnated with Cayenne, this in the quickest succession he presented to every body, enlarging with rapid volubility on its excellent properties, protesting “It would rouse their energies, clear their understanding,” &c. &c. the unwary of this scheme to the tune of nine out of ten, became instant victims of credulity, and the whole room was in one incessant sneeze, some stamping with the agony of their noses, others compelled to unmask to wipe the involuntary tears that flowed from their eyes and half blinded them, during which tumult Captain Allclack had found his way into the garden and well plied the musicians, who dropping their instruments sneezed a complete concerto, while the captain still dexterously employed in the circulation of his “Tabac Mystique” was execrating them as a set of _hoaxing rascals_, who did not choose to play; by which confusion and stoppage of the music, the dance was totally interrupted for near half an hour.

This stratagem having had the desired effect (particularly on Major Pea-Chick, who was nearly strangled) Captain Allclack suddenly disappeared and retiring again to his rustic toilet, equipped himself in a long flannel dressing gown and cap, and supporting the character of a pantaloon most ably, he kicked, boxed, hissed, danced, and hoaxed every body the remainder of the evening.

END OF VOL. II.

Plummer and Brewis, Printers, Love Lane, Little Eastcheap.

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Transcriber’s note

Typos fixed; non-standard spelling and dialect retained.