CHAPTER XIX.

A DISASTROUS DRINK

On the day of the opening of the National Assembly--that is, the day before the first vital session--Leo Strakosch, equipped with a valise, made various purchases. At Sacher’s he bought, for an outrageous sum that once would have paid for an entire building on the Ringstrasse, a Strassbourg _paté de foie gras_ in the original dish; and in the Hotel Imperial he acquired three bottles of a delicious white Burgundy, three bottles of the heaviest and most costly Bordeaux wines, and a bottle of ancient French cognac. In the evening he waited before the entrance of his house until he saw Herr Krötzl, about to go to a bar after the solemn opening session of the Assembly. Leo congratulated him heartily on his re-election, and said:

“My dear sir, I should also like to attend the historic session of the House tomorrow. The meeting begins at eleven, so I’ll order my car for ten o’clock; and if you’ve nothing against it, I’ll drive you over.”

Herr Krötzl felt highly flattered at the cordiality of the aristocratic and apparently very wealthy young Frenchman. Thanking him profusely, he accepted the invitation, adding:

“I’d be much obliged to you if you’d come to me at ten o’clock, ’cause then I won’t be takin’ no chances of sleepin’ too late. My housekeeper, the poor fool, might forget to wake me, an’ I sleep so sound that the alarm can’t get me up. An’ that’d be a fine howdy-do, if I was to oversleep tomorrow. Twenty-four hours later we’d have them damned pigs o’ Jews back in Vienna!”

Henry Dufresne seemed to take his self-assumed task of saving Austria from the Jews very seriously, for he rang Herr Krötzl’s doorbell at only half-past nine. A slovenly, unwashed, but still rouged and powdered young thing opened the door, and without further ado let in the handsome Frenchman, whom she knew well and who was carrying a large box. She was a little disappointed that he did not pay the slightest attention to her and her considerably exposed body, but merely gave her a bank-note and asked her please to fetch the morning papers immediately from the store.

In the anteroom Leo made a great to-do about unpacking his box until the girl had gone out on her errand; then he went quickly into the kitchen, set the cuckoo clock back a full hour, tip-toed out into the living-room and did the same to the grandfather clock there, and finally, without knocking, noiselessly entered the door of the Deputy’s bed-room, where the honorable gentleman lay under the covers, thunderous snores issuing from his open mouth. Leo immediately discovered the gold watch on the night table, pointing to a quarter of ten. In a flash it was set to a quarter of nine, and then the Frenchman entered on the unpleasant task of waking Herr Krötzl, the Viennese pillar of the Christian-Socialist party. It took quite some time before Krötzl at last opened his swollen little eyes and grasped the situation.

“Oh, Lord, it’s Herr Dufresne--is it as late as all that?” Then, glancing at his watch, he growled: “’Tain’t even nine yet! I could ’a’ slept another hour!”

“Yes,” laughed Leo, “but I know a better way of entertaining you and myself. Just think, when I came home last night I found a package from Paris, and in it the best wines of France. Well, since I’m really happy about your success, I thought we could celebrate our victory a little, just we two, before we go on to the Parliament. For you, my dear sir, being a connoisseur, will soon admit that never in all your life have you tasted a wine to compare with the one I’ll pour out for you now.”

Electrified, Herr Krötzl leaped out of his bed, got partly dressed, and admiringly stroked one after the other the six wine-bottles that stood before him with all the earmarks of venerable age. There was white bread, and the Strassbourg patty drew from Herr Krötzl a half-belch, half-grunt that became a hymn of joy as the first glass of the golden Burgundy trickled down his throat.

“W’at a wine! If I c’d have that all the time I’d be a diff’rent guy! No wonder you Frenchies know how to live, if you got wine like this!”

The second glass was drained to the victory of Herr Krötzl, the third to “Down with the Jews,” the fourth to “Long live beautiful Vienna, free of Jews.” Then the neck of a bottle of blood-red Bordeaux was broken, and when only the dregs were left in it, and Leo was uncorking the third bottle, Krötzl declared he loved him like a brother. At the fourth bottle he acquainted the Frenchman with the secrets of his sexual life, and proclaimed that skirts over fourteen was nothin’ more nor less’n old women. When they reached the sixth bottle Leo, unobserved by the half-dazed and quite dizzy Krötzl, mixed the wine with an equal amount of cognac; but now they had to stop, for else it would have been impossible ever to bring the worthy Deputy downstairs. Besides, the correct time was twelve o’clock, so that there was danger of Krötzl’s colleagues coming in at any moment to look for him. Leo’s own sobriety after this drinking party was due solely to the circumstance that he had each time emptied the contents of his glass under the table, on the beautiful Persian rug.

With hard work Leo finished dressing the deputy, practically carried him down several flights of stairs, and, with the assistance of the chauffeur, put him in the interior of the closed car. The chauffeur had grinned as he nodded to the Frenchman, whom he often drove about the town. Leo entered, sat down beside Krötzl, who was lying in the corner dead drunk, and the car rolled forward at moderate speed.

The day before Leo had had an important conference with the chauffeur, beginning with the question:

“How’d you like to make a hundred French francs?”

The chauffeur’s eyes had grown to the size of saucers, his face had flushed and he had gasped:

“Sir, I’ll take you to the moon for a hundred francs!”

But the Frenchman’s demands proved much more modest. He said that he wanted to settle a wager, and that the chauffeur would merely have to wait before the house in the Billrothstrasse until he, M. Dufresne, would enter the car with a presumably very tipsy gentleman. Thereupon the automobile was to go townward to the Opera, where the Frenchman would get out. Then the ride was to continue to the large insane asylum in Steinhof, far out in the extreme southwestern section of the city. There the chauffeur was to wait until his inebriated fare would give a sign of life. This was followed by further detailed instructions for the quick-witted chauffeur.

Everything went off as had been planned. Even before the car reached the Opera Herr Krötzl, after a violent attack of sickness, was enjoying the sleep of the just tippler, so that his companion could leave him without any difficulty. While Leo hastened to the Parliament the chauffeur continued on his half hour’s ride to Steinhof; once there he calmly stopped in the middle of the road, and smoked one of Leo’s good cigarettes after the other. It was nearly two o’clock when Herr Krötzl finally woke up, his head throbbing. Minutes passed before he remembered where he was, and realized that he was all alone in an automobile, and covered with filth from head to foot. Finally, after some more minutes, he saw that he was not before the Parliament Building at all, but in the immediate vicinity of the insane asylum in Steinhof. Confused he consulted his watch, which, being an hour slow, pointed to one o’clock. Horrified, Krötzl flung open the door, and vented a furious flood of abuse on the chauffeur, who declared with equanimity that he had understood Steinhof to be indicated as the goal, and that the other gentleman had got out on the way. Thereupon Krötzl tore his hair, wept and shouted, almost went raving mad, called the chauffeur a traitor, hinted at a fearful conspiracy and revenge, and finally pleaded with the driver, who was fast losing his polite attitude, to drive to the Parliament Building at full speed.

The car actually went back about a thousand yards; then, however, it stopped, far away from any human habitation, and the chauffeur, shrugging his shoulders, announced that he could not go on, as the motor was out of order.

Entirely sober by this time, Krötzl now sprinted the thousand yards back to the insane asylum. There he confronted the door-man with so much vehemence that the good fellow took him for an escaped inmate, and summoned some keepers. Another half hour passed before Krötzl was taken to a telephone; he could not, of course, be connected with the Parliament Building immediately, as all its lines were busy; and when he finally did get his connection, and the secretary of his party came to the other end of the wire, a voice shouted in his ear that he was a drunken swine, a crook, bought and paid for by the Jews, and that all was over long ago.

“The Jewish law has been repealed!” With these words ringing in his ears the wretched Deputy fell in a profound and beneficent swoon.