PART FOUR

THE LOWDOWN

(_Confidential!_)

36. INSIDE STUFF

The sharpie who got tired of selling the Brooklyn Bridge moved into the District and now sells the Washington Monument.

Suckers aren’t born at the rate of one a minute, Washington never does anything on time; but the Union Station and the airfield pour them out day and night. And God made them marks. For they are either simpletons with cow-dung on their boots or they are the conman’s dream, the lunk with larceny in his heart. Those who don’t come to Washington to gawk come to get. And the little chiseler is a setup for the bigger chiseler. The characters in “The Gilded Age,” by Mark Twain and Charles Dudley Warner have shaved off their beards, but otherwise are still with us. Men with grandiloquent schemes, who think a Congressman from their county can land them a $10,000,000 contract for the quick conversion of a barn, are ready-made for the polished pros who can wrap that up for them and who set themselves forth as “expediters.”

They confide, sotto voce, that they have connections which they can’t even breathe about; they hint with delicacy that certain people must be reached, and for that purpose advance funds must be placed in hand, after which the expediter will gladly accept a small commission on the completed deal--as, if, and never.

That is only one, but the main one, of the lines. Nowhere else are there so many men and women who live in luxury and are guilty of vagrancy. In a community of nonproducers, where there is a minimum of tangible exchange, the nature of man breeds agents and agents’ agents, because the liveliest industry is “getting to” people who can or could deliver golcondas.

Those who are not big-time enough to know people can know people who know people, and do nicely on the far fringes. They case a “prospect” and work him on whatever he is after. His principal occupation will be waiting--waiting; thus he will have the time as well as the temperament to be plucked. In that atmosphere the crudest con-games flourish. Never trust a stranger in Washington. Gyp-and-clip carney operators who are run off the lot because they can’t shill a rustic to a ten-cent wheel of fortune, come here and take executive vice-presidents.

_A. Swindlers with Swank_

Beware of smooth-gabbing guys who drive around in big black limousines with chauffeurs and live in costly apartments staffed with butlers, housekeepers and valets. Some may be on the up-and-up. But, what with taxes and cost of living, few square shooters can afford such luxury.

A few we know:

One has an “in” in the reservation departments of the big hotels. He is tipped off to the prospective arrival of a wealthy chump. This is how he worked one case: When Mr. Money arrived at the airport, the grifter had him paged, then introduced himself with a bunk story, such as being a friend of the hotel manager, who had asked him to pick up the boob. The lamb lamps the limo and is sure the glib gypster who is giving him a lift is okay. The wire has been properly briefed on the stranger’s habits. He knows he’d go for a little life, so he suggests they go to his suite for a slug. In a little while, a couple of babes happen in. Soon everyone is drunk and undressed. That’s when the pictures are ground out. One metal-manufacturer went for $35,000, left town next day.

Another sold the famous Muscle Shoals Dam to a former Congressman from Nebraska for $50,000. He used Henry Ford’s name as a reference and flashed a phony letter from him authorizing the sale.

Some years ago, in another administration, this same tip-and-tosser tried to sell forged documents to the President and Vice-President and other high officials. He said they were found in the clothes of a dead man on the street. The papers, if genuine, were so hot they would have blown up the government.

If someone tells you he can let you in on the inside of a hot oil deal, and then introduces you to a couple of “prospectors” who just arrived from Kentucky, call the cops, especially if one is an Indian with long plaited hair and the other is dressed like a vaudeville comedian’s idea of a Southern Colonel. These fast workers make a splendid living peddling queer securities from an office on the sidewalk in front of the Ambassador Hotel, at 14th and K. They have a fabulous well in Kentucky, and they guarantee it is producing. It is. One barrel a day.

They mooch strictly person-to-person. They do no business through the mails, so they are clear of the Post Office and the SEC. Many of their meat are middle-aged and elderly women, widows with a small amount of insurance or a modest business like a rooming-house preferred. But they will tackle tough touches, approached originally by dames.

Watch out for anyone you meet in a hotel who offers to get you a dame. Odds are you will end up in a barrel, running second in a badger-game. The boys tried it on a Washington newspaperman recently, but for once they saw the back of the eight-ball. Not only didn’t the reporter have any money, but he knew the right cops. He ended up borrowing a century-note from them.

_B. Fortune-tellers_

Reading the future is big business and strictly sanctioned by law, at an annual fee of $250.

Wives of high officials, members of Congress, and society dames are pushovers for this kind of flimflam, and fork over sums to astrologers, palmists, psychics, clairvoyants, and other such miracle-mongers. Many government officials furtively consult fortune-fakers. (Look at the state the country is in now.)

These thimble-riggers advertise openly. Most of them state “Licensed by the District of Columbia,” which convinces the morons they have been investigated and certified by government authorities.

One dame, Madame Harrison Astor, states “... prides herself on the fact of being the only palmist in the world who during her stay in England has been officially summoned to the St. James’ Palace to read for his late Majesty King Edward VII.”

Martha Mar Vell, who advertises herself as a palmist, clairvoyante, medium, spiritualist and practitioner of spirit ember and Egyptian sand divinations, haughtily warns, “Please observe hours.”

Many fortune-tellers are on the con, hoodwink the superstitious into investing in shady enterprises; they often do not even go that far, but relieve them directly of money to cure the evil eye and the hex.

Some legislators and high officials make no moves without consulting their favorite psychics. That is why they are licensed here, whereas in other cities, when they get by, it is sub rosa.

Some oracles who boast august personages or their wives in their clientele are in the pay of foreign governments, Communists, lobbyists or fingermen for thieves. Lawmakers or law enforcers come to the mediums or diviners to seek advice from the spirits or the stars and get what the swindlers have been paid to tell them.

Gypsies never had it better. Most of them don’t bother to buy licenses. As this was being written, a gypsy fortune-teller was under indictment charged with using such props as torn diapers, a red candle and a department store ladies’ room, to skin three Washington housewives of $450. Police said Julia Nichols would show up at a woman’s home, announce she was a church-worker, then tell the housewife she was hexed. She would ask for money, a handkerchief or diaper. She would tear the cloth in half, fold the money in it and depart to have it “blessed.” And blessed if she would return!

Rituals were involved, the police said. In one case Miss Nichols allegedly placed a silver dollar in a glass of water and told her victim to park the tumbler in a bureau drawer. In another, she allegedly enclosed the money in a diaper, with flour, salt, and a length of the housewife’s hair. In a third case, police said, the gypsy led a victim from her home to a department store rest-room before taking her money. In another, she allegedly left a housewife’s apartment with the currency after giving her a red candle to light and telling her to recite the Lord’s Prayer.

_C. Free Loaders_

A shrewdie can live here forever on the cuff. A gate-crasher, if well-dressed, can be choosy about eating and drinking gratis. Every day there’s a profusion of breakfasts, lunches, cocktail parties, dinners and late suppers thrown by lobbyists, corporations, officials, pressure groups, embassies and social climbers.

Admission is by invitation, but bids are sent out broadside. Organizations and lobbyists exchange mailing lists, even take names out of directories. Almost anyone who cares to get on such a roster can. Once on, his name makes all others. If he isn’t entered, it is simple to mooch an invitation from someone who has one, because few use them. Few large affairs are well guarded. It takes little ingenuity to walk in nonchalantly and act like a belonger.

The gate-crashers turn up in the unlikeliest places, maybe breakfasting at a press conference given by ladies of the W.C.T.U., lunching at a radio salesmen’s convention and dining, in tails and white tie, at a debutante’s ball.

Beds, and what goes with them--gals--can be stiffed, too. Those who make the lobbyists’ lists are invited to the wild parties in the hotels and mansions, where all that is on the house.

A friend of ours, a Congressman, told us this story. He was walking down Connecticut Avenue, past the Mayflower Hotel, on his way to dine at Harvey’s. He bumped into an acquaintance, a press agent from New York, who insisted the Congressman eat with him. “I’m going up to a swell private party at the Mayflower,” he said. The Congressman went along, had a wonderful meal, with wine and cigars, and soon pretty blondes began to mix. The satisfied legislator turned to his friend and said, “Gee, this is a swell party. I’d like to thank the host. Who is he?” The press agent said, “Damned if I know. I’ve been trying to find out all night.”

_D. The Introducers_

Nowhere else on earth, including New York, are there as many guys who make their livings introducing people. These articles thrive because they are personality-plus ghees with guts, who know right people, and if they don’t they go through the motions. If you want to meet someone--cabinet officer, army brass, congressman, fixer, or social hostess--these birds will introduce you--no hoke. They can get you into the White House to meet the President. They play poker with General Vaughan.

These fellows are functional. They are the catalysts who bring various elements together. When they assume a contract from an industrialist to introduce him to a bureau chief, they serve for the bureau chief, too, by introducing him to the industrialist from whom he will get favors in return for favors.

Some of the introducers work for straight fees. Others, smoother, are taken care of in politer but more lucrative ways, such as getting on the inside for a hunk of stock or a chance to buy government surplus for peanuts or other charming get-rich-quick methods.

You can be introduced to charming ladies, too. Polished procuring is a polite profession. No lush-rolling or extortion involved. It is honest pimping. Yet, little Rollo, there are still some honest gentlemen in Washington.

37. TIPS ON THE TOWNS

_Booze_

Washington consumes four times as much hootch as the entire state of Maryland, including Baltimore, which alone has 200,000 more population. The most popular kind of liquor is bourbon, suh, with rye next. Only fairies, English diplomats, New Yorkers and spats-wearers drink Scotch.

The legal liquor closing for on-premises consumption in the District is 2 a.m. on weekdays and midnight on weekends. Only beer and light wine may be sold on Sundays. Baltimore sells until 2 a.m., seven nights a week, though some saloons which do not serve food and which pay a lower license fee must close their bars at one. (But you can sit there until 2 to finish anything you bought earlier.) Only beer and light wine may be sold for on-premises consumption in Virginia. The closing hour is midnight. Prince Georges, Md., has a law similar to Washington’s--seldom observed.

Legal boozing age in the three jurisdictions is 21, though minors over 18 may drink beer in Maryland and D.C.

But there’s something about the climate--everyone looks older than he is.

_Cabaret Info_

Most District area night clubs do three shows nightly, at 8, 10:30 and 12:30, and two on Saturdays and Sundays, at 8:30 and 12. The hotel grills do two, at 8:30 and 12.

The burlesque joints in Baltimore grind continuously until 2.

Few Washington night clubs impose a cover charge. All have minimums, usually a dollar or $1.50. The hotel cafes, when presenting expensive attractions, usually put on a couvert up to $2.

It’s agin the law and the rules of the American Guild of Variety Artists to permit female entertainers to sit at tables with male guests. The hotels and the better Washington night clubs enforce this. The others wink at it. There is no attempt at observance in the Maryland suburbs or in Baltimore.

_Checks and Chicks_

When the cutie in the checkroom hands you back your hat, don’t think for a moment she keeps the tip you slip her. She works on a straight per diem for a concessionaire, who pays the restaurant or hotel by the year. But if she doesn’t turn in a tip for every hat, she loses her job on grounds she swiped the money or she is so stupid or icky that she gets stiffed. For many years, the minimum hat check in New York by habit has been two bits, but the hoosiers who come to Washington get lavish with a dime or sneak off ignoring the plate with the decoy coins entirely. The concessionaire figures 18 cents as the average tip and on that basis he checks his employes. The gals learn how to pinch part of the loot from liberal tippers, though their uniforms are made without pockets. Photo concession girls may keep their tips, but cigaret girls have to turn theirs in.

_Clip Joints_

Beware of the invitation from the stranger you meet at the bar, who suggests you go to a friend’s place after hours for liquor and gals. There are at least 300 clip joints running in Washington, most of them in the colored neighborhoods, in private houses and flats, where you can get booze of a sort after-hours; but it may be spiked with knockout drops and you will wake up rolled and robbed--if you wake up at all. Baltimore clip-dives operate more closely to the orthodox custom. As soon as you sit down in a hideaway, a couple of bimbos rush to your table and order drinks. When you are ready to go, you get a bill that includes the month’s rent. If you don’t come across, you’ll be lucky to get out with a broken nose.

_Dancing_

If your specialty is the rumba or samba, don’t expect to find a partner in Washington or Baltimore, They’ll do a shaky fox trot to that music. The codgers still do the old conservative dances. The youngsters are jive maniacs.

At this writing, there are no public dance halls in Washington where you can meet partners, but, though table hopping is supposed to be de trop, you won’t have any trouble getting dames on the loose to dance with you. As in Baltimore, they will solicit you for dances, even if that’s all they’re after.

All night clubs, but few hotels, present dancing on Sundays in Washington and Maryland.

For matinee and cocktail dancing consult the appendix or the daily papers.

_Dates_

If you still can’t get yourself a girl after having read this book, we don’t think you’re trying. But here are some easy ways:

Ask the bell captain.

Refer to appendix for a list of dance studios.

Call Clara Lane, Friendship Center, Republic 3504 (Washington), for personal interview.

Get a manicure.

Read the newspaper ads for dances run by the State Societies.

Join a church or the Y.

In the summer, go to any beach or take a ride on a Potomac steamer.

Strike up a “Haven’t I met you somewhere” with any girl you see in a cocktail lounge or a hotel lobby. For that matter, your chances are good with almost any girl you see anywhere in Washington. She may say no. We bet you five to three she won’t.

_Dining_

We will recommend no restaurants here. A list of best-known places in Washington and Baltimore will be found in the appendix. We guarantee none. But Baltimore goes in for good food in the good places, while Washington doesn’t know what fine cuisine is. Meals are cheaper in Washington than in New York. Baltimore, with some of the finest restaurants in the country, charges even less.

Most people dine early in both towns. Some of the best restaurants close for the night at 8 or 9. This is the Keokuk touch.

Washington politicians hang out at Harvey’s and the Occidental. They don’t mind the insults. Some of the better food is at Olmsted’s. The tax-payers foot the losses of the dining-rooms in the Senate and House of Representatives.

Baltimore politicians dine in the back room of the Emerson; the ward heelers eat at Bickford’s, called “No. 10 Downing Street.”

There are no swank dining places of the grade of El Morocco, the Colony or 21 in Washington or Baltimore. The elite in government service eat lunch in their own private dining-rooms and dinner at their clubs.

_Divorce_

The divorce rate in the District, as well as in Maryland and Virginia, is considerably below the national average, though the grounds are not

## particularly oppressive. At this writing there are 4,000 divorced males

in the District of Columbia and 8,000 divorced females.

All three jurisdictions require one year’s residence before beginning a divorce action, which eliminates them from competition with Nevada or Florida. If the grounds are out-of-state, it’s two years in D.C. You have to wait six months after a District decree before remarriage.

Grounds for divorce in the District are adultery, desertion for two years, conviction for felony, and living apart five years. Maryland adds impotence and insanity. Virginia also grants divorce for impotence, pregnancy of wife at time of marriage and wife’s unchastity, as well as all causes specified in the District.

Some smart lawyers know how to beat the residence provisions, but if you can afford that kind of a lawyer you’re much better off going to states that specialize in hot-cake divorces.

_Guns_

You require a license to carry a concealed weapon, but no one enforces the law if you keep a dozen machine-guns in your house. The courts have ruled you are not carrying a concealed weapon if you have a gun in the glove compartment of your car or if you have an unloaded one in your pocket, even if you have cartridges on you. Cops can’t pinch you without a search warrant.

The Federal Small Arms Act, enforced by the Alcoholic Tax Unit of the U.S. Treasury, imposes a $300 tax on transfer of certain firearms and forbids any felon to carry a pistol. But this is practically unenforceable in the District, because of the niggardly appropriations of Congress and the disinclination of federal judges to sentence anyone for anything.

_Hotels_

In most towns we warn first-time visitors to beware of cab drivers who steer them to hotels they don’t want to go to. But Washington hotels are usually so crowded, you’re lucky to be steered. We have seen people sit in lobbies from early in the morning until midnight, while the clerks phoned all other hotels, trying to take care of the overflow.

Do not come to Washington unless you have made a reservation in advance. Be sure the reservation is confirmed. A few hotels are part of nationwide chains, among them the Mayflower (Hilton), the Hay-Adams (Manger) and the Statler. You can probably make your reservations and have them confirmed in your own home town.

Hotel rates are high. The cheapest single room in the first-class hotels is $8, and that faces the garbage cans. Modest suites are $20 a day, and you pay at least $25 for anything decent.

But Washington abounds with cheap assignation hotels, where you can take a broad for the night for three bucks, no baggage required. In Baltimore you can find this kind for as little as one dollar a night.

Few good Washington hotels have any qualms about your morals. If you are raided because that gal isn’t your wife, it is because the house dick and bell captain have their own stable of fillies and they get no cut-in from outside competition. The “security officer” (refined designation for a house dick) of one of the oldest and most famous hotels in Washington, near the White House, was recently fired because he ran a shakedown racket, putting the bite on guests who brought dames in.

(_Inside stuff_: Smart guys start charge accounts in hotels and have their bills mailed to their offices. That way, if they suddenly make a date, they can call and have a room prepared for them. Hotels do not like to cash checks for strangers, but will for those with charge accounts. It is a specific crime to defraud an inn-keeper.)

Washington and Baltimore hotels, unlike those in northern cities, are not required to serve or admit Negroes.

(Unless you are expecting a guest, do not open your door if someone raps on it. Many people have been robbed, raped or assaulted that way. When the girl with the nice voice phones and announces she’s from Harris & Ewing, the photographers, and read you were in town and wanted to take your picture, don’t think you are a celebrity. This firm goes through all registrations, plays for the chumps. After you pose for their photos, a glib salesman sells you a dozen. We wouldn’t have minded, but they phoned us at three in the afternoon, and we never get up until four.)

(_Tips_: And that’s the only way you’ll get along in any hotel--with tips, big ones. If you can’t get a room, slip the room clerk a sawbuck. Liberal handouts to the bellhops, doormen and elevator boys will help you get service, also pave the way for the things that hotels aren’t supposed to supply, but always do.)

_Limousines_

We told you about the smooth con-men who travel in shiny chauffeur-driven limousines. The cars are easy to obtain. All smart travelers rent them wherever they go. They cost $5 an hour, which is usually cheaper than cabs for any considerable use. They are available at any hour. The chauffeurs are well-trained and in uniform. The cars are brand new Cadillacs or Packards, indistinguishable from a millionaire’s private car, except that the D.C. license plate begins with the letter “L.” Look in the phone book or ask the hotel porter to get you a car or phone Haines, HObart 8460, ask for James Conley, the best driver in town. Minimum tip one dollar an hour, unless you’re a skunk. In Baltimore, phone Belvedere, LE 8888.

_Marriage_

It’s much cheaper and easier without rice and old shoes here, but you will always find a few old-fashioned people who like it the hard way. If you are one who has to be respectable, we will give you the lowdown on how to go about it in the area.

(_Note_: Common law marriages are valid in the District. They are not in Maryland and Virginia, though the former state, while prohibiting such marriages for its own residents, will recognize as binding any such entered into in the District.)

The marriageable ages in the three jurisdictions are 16 for girls and 18 for boys, with parents’ consent; 18 and 21 in D.C. and Maryland, without consent, and 21 and 21 in Virginia. Marriages between first cousins are permitted in all three.

Maryland and Virginia forbid marriages between whites and Negroes or Orientals. Virginia also proscribes American Indians. There are no racial restrictions in the District.

Maryland and Virginia require medical certificates before marriage, but Washington doesn’t. So, if you flunk your Wassermann, come to the District. The waiting time between issuance of license and ceremony is two days in Maryland, four in the District, and none in Virginia. Maryland requires that all marriages be solemnized by a clergyman, which is pretty prissy for that state, where you can get so much without marrying at all.

Both the District and Maryland permit one party of a proposed marriage to take out a license without the consent or knowledge of the other. Sometimes overly-eager ones take out these licenses (which are published) as a means of bringing final pressure on the other person. Recently a 21-year-old Marine shot himself to death after a minister refused to marry him and an unwilling maiden who had not been aware a license was issued.

Washington men are the choosiest in the country when it comes to picking wives. The marriage rate is falling yearly. In 1950, 10,729 licenses were taken out compared to 10,885 the year before and 12,156 in 1948. Meanwhile other cities are reporting increases. These figures are even worse than they read. Many transients come to wed in the District, to avoid blood tests elsewhere or to boast they were hitched in the nation’s capital.

_Medical_

Osteopaths, chiropractors, naturopaths and other such unorthodox healers are permitted both in the District and Maryland and are allowed to precede their names with the honorific “Dr.” Many Washington residents from Los Angeles, the Southwest and the moronic regions where faith healers, layer-oners-of-hands, herb doctors and other such quacks are common, are now living in Washington and provide a boom market for the irregular curers.

One of Washington’s biggest medical problems is V.D., because of the shifting, transient nature of the population and the unusual Negro percentage. Last year, more than 16,000 cases of gonorrhea were reported, and 507 new cases of syphilis. Fifteen people died of unchecked syphilis.

_Midday Manners_

Both as a world capital and as an Eastern city, Washington’s manners and modes, on paper at least, could be supposed to resemble those of New York. But it is in a warmer belt and much of its resident population originated in other sections of the country, where habits are different, so some compromise of customs is common.

Washington women generally follow the New York style of not wearing hats. But the men wear lids all year around, even on the hottest days.

The women wear suits for daytime in winter and print dresses in summer. Men wear dark suits in winter, but, because of the deadly heat, don such tropical outfits as Palm Beach, seersucker, crash and linen in summer. Like most yokels, a sharp crease in the sleeve means a well-pressed suit.

A Washington woman never wears slacks on the street. When you see any dame so attired, you know she arrived by bus on a sight-seeing jaunt.

_Midnight Manners_

Few women wear hats at night. Those who do are visitors. Most men wear dark suits but compromise good taste with god-awful loud ties. Customers of the classier rooms, i.e., the hotel grills, are apt to overdress. You see more people wearing evening clothes than in New York, where such frummery is now worn only on occasions when required, like a formal ball or the opening of the opera.

All restaurants and night clubs, regardless of season, require men to wear coats, though some of the more popular-priced ones do not demand ties in the summer.

_Protocol_

If you are a climber, or the wife of a government official, social precedence and correct social forms are more important in your life than the Sermon on the Mount. When in doubt about whether the governor of Nevada sits ahead of or in back of the minister of Costa Rica, you should consult Mrs. Carolyn Hagner Shaw, Wisconsin 3030.

_Taxi Talk_

The first thing that amazes the visitor is the terrific number of cabs on the streets. There is no limitation by law and, at this writing, there are 9,000. Cabs do not have meters, but operate on a zone system, the first charge 30 cents anywhere within the zone, or 20 cents a head for two or more passengers. They are asking for an extra dime a zone. The out-of-towner is always puzzled figuring out how the owner of the cab gets a fair shake from the driver, with no meter to check up on him. It was Congressman Tom Blanton who slipped riders into all bills to ban meters in the District.

What happens is that every hackman is an independent contractor. He rents his cab by the day, for which he pays $6, which includes insurance, tires and advertising. He buys his own gas and oil, which comes to another $3.50 a day. He keeps everything above that outlay. When business is bad, he swallows the loss himself. He can keep the cab 24 hours a day, and he usually drives it home at night and starts out in the morning in it. Some older cabs are rented for less, as low as $3.50 a day. These are used by men who hack in their spare time, such as policemen, chauffeurs, and government employes, who act as cabbies for four or five hours a day.

Washington law not only permits cabbies to double up passengers, but requires them to do so. Your taxi will not leave Union Station until it has a full load going in your direction. When Washington cabs go to the airport in Virginia or the suburbs of Maryland, they make a flat rate. They are not permitted to pick up return passengers outside the District. Maryland and Virginia cabs which come into Washington must return home empty.

Despite the huge number of cabs, it is almost impossible to get one at around five, when the government offices empty, or whenever it rains. The rates are so cheap, many Washingtonians find it costs them only a nickel more to go to their destination by cab than by bus or street-car. Few locals ever tip. Cab drivers fall all over out-of-towners.

If you are having trouble hailing a cab, the best place to get one is outside a hotel or a popular restaurant or night spot, for they will be driving up to these places with passengers. If you are caught at the Capitol and can’t get a cab, go over to the Congressional Hotel, across from the House Office Building, where the doorman can usually snag one for you. Don’t forget a tip. Our favorite cabbie is Harold Ramsburg, EM 2438, and you can hire him by the hour.

_Tipping_

While on that subject, don’t act like a rube, a Southern cracker or a dope. Most hotel, restaurant and transportation employes are practically dependent for their livings on gratuities. Ten percent is no longer enough. Your waiter should get 20 percent, even more in a high class place where each waiter has only a few tables. Don’t forget the captains and headwaiters, especially if you want a good table.

_Traffic Tickets_

We always got our parking and speeding tickets killed by Congressmen’s secretaries. That is one thing they are good for. Congressmen are the rulers of the District; when their secretaries call the District Commissioners or the Chief of Police, they get a respectful hearing.

Congressmen, themselves, are immune from arrest when Congress is in session. They are provided with special plates over their own license tags reading “Member, 82nd Congress.” Smart Congressmen seldom use the special plates. They say that when they do, traffic cops always bother them, then suddenly pretend they noticed the plates for the first time, after which they let the Congressman go, making it appear they are doing him a great favor. The next day they show up in his office asking for a favor--a promotion, probably.

_Transportation_

You can get to Washington by train, plane, bus, auto, bike, or merely hitch-hiking. Train service, while frequent and fast, is generally lousy. From New York on the Pennsylvania there is only one first-class train, the Congressional Limited, which makes the 226 miles in 215 minutes, but it’s a shell of its old self, when it was all Pullman and extra fare. The Congressional is one of the few day trains in the country which runs complete cars of drawing rooms. These are always full, with lobbyists, officials and their dames, and other heavy drinking parties, spending the three and a half hours as pleasantly as possible. (_Note_: No liquor is served on trains in Pennsylvania on Sundays.)

The two best trains from the West are the B & O’s Capital Limited and the Pennsy’s Liberty Limited from Chicago. The Capital is an all-Pullman streamliner and carries a through car to Los Angeles, which connects with the Santa Fe’s Chief in Chicago.

Railroad and plane tickets to and from Washington are difficult to get, especially on key days of the week. Traffic moves to Washington on Sunday nights and Monday and away on weekends, beginning Thursday. At those times a little judicious tipping of hotel porters is advised. Railroad and plane employes are forbidden by law to take gratuities, but who’s going to do anything about it if they find a $10 bill neatly folded in their breast pockets?

The Washington Airport, though in Virginia, is only 15 minutes from the center of town. Baggage is unloaded considerably faster than in other airports. But the Union Station is a madhouse. Sometimes it takes a half-hour for your bags to get out to the taxi stand, if you can get a red cap at all. Then there is another wait for a cab going your way to fill up. (_Note_: The railroad exacts a 25-cent charge for each parcel carried by the red cap. He doesn’t keep that. You are expected to tip him on top.)

(_Inside Stuff_: There are special airplane and railroad ticket offices for members of Congress in the Capitol Building.)

38. CONFIDENTIAL GUIDE TO WASHINGTON AND BALTIMORE

_Alcoholism Treated_: The per capita consumption of hootch here is the highest in the world. If you raise it still more call: (Washington) Greenhill Institute, CO 4754. (Baltimore) Baltimore Clinic, LA 1200.

_Amusement Parks_: Where lonely people meet. The rides are fun, too. (Washington) Glen Echo Park and Marshall Hall Park. (Baltimore) Bay Shore Park, Gwynn Oak Park and Carlins.

_Art Instruction_: Learn to paint nudes in the nude. (Washington) de Burgos, ME 1039; Kane, ST 7917.

_Astrologers_: If you’re wondering what Congress is going to do next. (Washington) Mabel Bowles, HO 5017. They’re outlawed in Baltimore.

_Baby Sitters_: Some people still bring their brats with them. If you’re that dumb after reading this book, call: (Washington) Part Time Mothers, DI 2300; or Courtesy, EX 5050. (Baltimore) Samuels, HO 4303; or Villa, CL 1931.

_Bail Bonds_: The fee is $75 for each $500. If you work for the Big Mob, the price is just half. Call: (Washington) Weinstein, ME 9292; Jones, ME 8123; Ryan, RE 7661 and O’Conor, ME 5500. (Virginia) Weinstein, WO 6700. (Baltimore) Statewide, BR 8200 and Walker, SA 6333.

_Barber Shops, All Night and Sunday_: If you failed to make a date before midnight, why do you want to get shaved so late? (Washington) Robinson’s, 829 14th St. (Baltimore) East Baltimore St.

_Baseball_: The Washington Senators never get anywhere, but they always make money. That’s because Washingtonians come from every part of the country and liberally patronize Griffith Stadium when their old home teams are in town. All week-day games are at night. Baltimore is larger than half a dozen major league cities, yet it only has a minor league team, the famous Orioles. Night games, too.

_Blacksmiths_: Left-Wingers insist conservative Congressmen are still in the horse-and-buggy stage. This proves it. If you’re looking for a smithy, try (Washington) Capital, 4706 Rhode Island Ave.; Del Grosso, 424 New Jersey Ave. (Baltimore) Adams, 2628 Boston; or Phillips, 645 East 25.

_Boating_: (Washington) Potomac Boat Club, foot of 36th St.; Dempsey’s Boat House, 3600 K St. (Baltimore) Atlas, foot of Broadway; Ward Brothers, Deal, Maryland. And don’t forget the excursion and night boats on the Potomac and the Chesapeake.

_Bookmakers_: Must you ask?

_Bridge Games Found_: The experts claim the game is all skill, but with us it’s purely luck--bad. (Washington) RE 9886.

_Burlesque_: For what New York can’t have--see page 263.

_Carnival Suppliers_: Maybe you’ve always wanted to own a paddle wheel, a bingo layout or a Jap rolling ball game. Merry-go-rounds and ferris wheels, too. (Baltimore) Superior, ED 3737 and United, LE 6239.

_Cats Boarded_: In case your pussy is shy, this place has a lady attendant. (Washington) Williams, SH 6923.

_Chaperones_: Most unattached ladies are so ugly they don’t need this. But if you don’t trust your cutie call (Washington) DI 2300 or EX 8596. If no answer, call us.

_Chinese Cooking; How to Learn_: Personally we don’t know why you want to, but if you got a yen for moo goo gai pan and don’t like the way it’s prepared in the marts of trade, try Washington School, EX 0265.

_Cleaners, One Day_: When the Fair Dealers finish spending your dough, you probably will have gone to the cleaners. But if you have a suit and you’ve got to get it back the same day, try your hotel valet or (Washington) Central, 1405 H or Century, 633 F, cleaning done while you wait. (Baltimore) Premier, Monroe and Windsor, same day.

_Colonic Irrigation_: Just in case. (Washington) Warcoff, RE 0872; Riggs, ME 2388; Washington, BI 7701. (Baltimore) Keller, LE 6862.

_Comfort Stations and Rest Rooms_: When you gotta go, you gotta go. (Washington) Pennsylvania Ave. between 13th and 14th; Library Park; La Fayette Square; the Capitol and all public buildings. (Baltimore) Lexington Market.

_Detective Agency, Colored_: That’s not where we got our info. (Washington) Keystone, RE 8913.

_Detective Agency, Confidential_: They can find anything except what’s happening to the tax-payers’ money. (Washington) Bradford, NA 4610; Burns, NA 7681. (Baltimore) Pinkerton, MU 2770.

_Drags, Costumes For, Also Wigs_: (Washington) Jack Mullane, 714 11th St.

_Drug Addiction Treated_: Uncle Sam will do it free if he catches you first. Otherwise (Baltimore) Relay Sanitarium, phone Elkridge 40, or Pinel, phone Ellicotte City 362.

_Drug Stores, All Night_: If you run out of lipstick at 3 a.m. (Washington) Peoples, Thomas Circle, HO 1234. (Baltimore) Morgan & Millard, Baltimore and South Sts., SA 4233. For 24-hour prescription service, phone Arbutus 2019.

_Emergency Information_: (Washington) Birth Control Clinic, 715 E St., SW, NA 4780. (Baltimore) Planned Parenthood Association, 1028 North Broadway, DR 1681.

_Escort Services_: To accompany the lonely. (Washington) DE 8000.

_Fashion Shows_: Some guys surprise their wives and ask to come along. See the pretty models Thursdays at six in the Willard lounge; Fridays at six, Mayflower lounge (Washington). In Baltimore--Wednesday luncheon at the Belvedere.

_Friends, to Meet New Ones_: How lonesome can you get? Call (Washington) The Just For Fun Club, DE 2500 or Clara Lane, RE 3504 (Baltimore). Visit the Baltimore Friendship Club, Charles Street.

_Frustrated, are you?_ (Washington) Curt Miller, 1406 G St.

_Gambling_: See page 207.

_Ghost Writers_: Some Congressmen write their own. (Washington) Henderson, NA 4576.

_Guns and Firearms_: After reading this book, you may want to defend yourself. (Washington) Lorch, 1010 Vermont; Temblers, 913 D. (Baltimore) Baltimore Gun Smith, 218 So. Broadway.

_Handwriting Expert_: In case she forged the embarrassing love letters call (Washington) Dr. Newton J. Baker, DI 7070. If you really wrote them don’t bother.

_Limousines_: So you want to put on the swank. (Washington) Haines, HO 8460, ask for James Conley. (Baltimore) Associated, HA 5494; Belvedere, LE 8888.

_Manicurists_: No matter how easy it is to get others, most traveling men still prefer the finger-nail mechanics. They’re on duty in every hotel and large barber shop. Some will come to your room.

_Manure_: This has absolutely nothing to do with the subject, unless it’s what you think about when you hear your Congressman’s speech. We said Washington is a small town and we mean it. You can get it by the shovelful or the truckload from American, GE 2440. (Baltimore) Town and Country, HO 0906.

_Maps_: We don’t know what this has to do with this book, because none of the cartographs they sell are confidential. On the other hand, a lot of phony foreign spies buy them over the counter and send them home as the genuine article filched from the files. See classified phone directory.

_Marital and Sex Problems_: This book is guaranteed to cure them for some, cause them for others. (Washington) Lurie, CO 1331; Psychological Service, OL 1980.

_Masseurs_: If you read what we wrote about the Hopkins Institute you will know why we don’t want to get mixed up with the F.B.I. on this one. However, if you still insist on getting a massage, refer to the classified phone book. Most are legit.

_Models’ Agencies_: All girls like to pose. Some get paid for it. If you want to be a model or hire a model see (Washington) Phyllis Bell, ST 2353; Fashion Show, NA 6590; Models Bureau, DU 1000; Ralston, RE 0069. (Baltimore) Academy Models, PL 4454; Model Agency, PL 4019. (_Inside Stuff_: Some model agencies try to sell you lessons, photos and make-up instead of securing work for you. Have nothing to do with them.)

_Out-of-town Newspapers_: The news is bad all over. (Washington) 14th and New York. (Baltimore) Calvert and Fayette.

_Palmists_: In Washington, when she says, “Give a little girl a great big hand,” she ain’t the ghost of Texas Guinan. If you want to have your palm read, try Astor, ST 0698; De Long, ME 5234; Gentry, EX 3075. Illegal in Baltimore.

_Personal Services_: We mean such things as running errands, answering your phone and doing your dirty work. (Washington) Buddie’s, MI 9034.

_Personality Developed_: They laughed when he walked into the drawing-room. After he took lessons, they wouldn’t let him in the drawing-room. But if you’ve got a personality like a dead fish, try (Washington) Colt, OV 4531 or Parker, ME 2299.

_Post Office, All Night_: Just in case you want to write home for dough. (Washington) General Post Office. (Baltimore) Calvert and Fayette.

_Pregnancy Tests_: If your luck is dubious. (Washington) Professional, NO 2944.

_Psychics and Mediums_: Guaranteed to put you in touch with your great aunt (Washington) Wright, AD 4249; Mar Vell, HO 5017. No lost souls admitted in Baltimore.

_Psychologists_: Some people were born goofy, others went crazy reading this book. No matter how you got that way, call (Washington) MacBaugh, OL 1980 or Dupont, HU 7979. (Baltimore) Kaufman, BE 5640 or Schor, LE 5445.

_Punch Boards_: If you would like to set up a little gambling racket back in your home town, you can buy the paraphernalia in Baltimore from A & A, 715 Ensor or Royal, 618 East Baltimore.

_Secretarial_: Some people call them because they want to dictate in their hotel rooms. Others have hopes. We do our own typing. Look in the classified phone directories under “Stenographic.”

_Shooting Galleries_: Some Washingtonians practice their marksmanship on the streets. If you want to do yours indoors go to (Washington) 9th St. between Pennsylvania and G or (Baltimore) East Baltimore St.

_Shopping Service_: Some guys don’t do anything they shouldn’t when they’re away from home. Others bring their wives beautiful gifts. (Washington) Embassy, EX 7158; Ideas Unlimited, ST 0082. Phyllis Bell, ST 2353 will help women who have no confidence in their own taste to buy their clothes. (Baltimore) E.Z., SA 0295. All department stores maintain such services.

_Slot-Machines_: Some people buy them for their game rooms. Personally, we’d like to own a two-bit one-armed bandit in the Times Square subway station. Whatever purpose you want one for, you can buy them in (Washington) at the Game Room, 1538 Connecticut Ave.; Atlas, 1360 H St. NE or Silent Sales, 1771 Columbia Road. (Baltimore) A & A, 715 Ensor; Premier, 214 South Howard. It’s illegal to transport across state lines.

_Spiritualists_: They talk to the departed. (Washington) Brewer, EX 3075; Worsley, LI 3-3557. (Baltimore) If they call themselves fortune tellers they’re taboo. But Madame Matthew, ED 1260, is a “spiritual advisor.” So is Madame Collins, SA 4745.

_Stags_: Why anyone should have to go to one to see naked dames is beside us. However, if you want to hire such babes to perform in the District or in Baltimore, phone (Baltimore) Sponsler, MU 0271.

_Sucker Lists_: Have you anything to sell by mail? (Washington) Intelligence Bureau, 1311 G, has “wealthy” list of government executives, home-owners, teachers, graduates, businessmen and women, etc. for D.C. and suburbs. (Baltimore) call Webb LE 5671.

_Tattoo Artists_: If your girl friend likes pretty pictures, try (Washington) 8th St. SE or (Baltimore) East Baltimore St.

_Telegraph Office, All Night_: Washington 708 14th NW, phone NA 7100--Baltimore, 108 E. Baltimore, LE 6300.

_Theatre Tickets for New York and Philadelphia Shows_: When the road won’t come to you, you’ve got to go find it. Always reserve your seats in advance, because if the show’s any good you can’t get ’em, and if you can you won’t want to see the show. (Washington) New York Service, NA 5575; Stabler, RE 7307; Willard Hotel Agency, NA 5575. (Baltimore) New York Service, SA 2100.

_Toupees and Wigs_: When you blow your top. (Washington) Emil, 1221 Connecticut Ave.; Hepner’s, 612 13th St. (Baltimore) National, 334 North Howard.

_Worrier, Professional_: Before you lose your hair, consult (Washington) Thelma Hunt, RE 4600 or Clifton, AD 4550. They’re willing to get bald, for a fee.

And now turn to