Part 15

_Geo._ An please your grace, he’s not stark mad, but only talks like a young gentleman, somewhat fantastically, that’s all: there’s a thousand about your court, city, and country madder than he.

_Duke._ Provide a warrant, you shall have our hand.

_Geo._ Here’s a warrant ready drawn, my lord.

_Duke._ Get pen and ink, get pen and ink. [_Exit_ GEO.

_Enter_ CASTRUCHIO.

_Cas._ Where is my lord the duke?

_Duke._ How now! more madmen?

_Cas._ I have strange news, my lord.

_Duke._ Of what? of whom?

_Cas._ Of Infelice, and a marriage.

_Duke._ Ha! where? with whom?

_Cas._ Hippolito.

_Re-enter_ GEORGE, _with pen and ink_.

_Geo._ Here, my lord.

_Duke._ Hence, with that woman! void the room!

_Flu._ Away! the duke’s vexed.

_Geo._ Whoop, come, mistress, the duke’s mad too. [_Exeunt_ VIOLA _and_ GEORGE.

_Duke._ Who told me that Hippolito was dead?

_Cas._ He that can make any man dead, the doctor: but, my lord, he’s as full of life as wild-fire, and as quick. Hippolito, the doctor, and one more rid hence this evening; the inn at which they light is Bethlem Monastery; Infelice comes from Bergamo and meets them there. Hippolito is mad, for he means this day to be married; the afternoon is the hour, and Friar Anselmo is the knitter.

_Duke._ From Bergamo? is’t possible? it cannot be. It cannot be.

_Cas._ I will not swear, my lord; But this intelligence I took from one Whose brains work in the plot.

_Duke._ What’s he?

_Cas._ Matheo.

_Flu._ Matheo knows all.

_Pior._ He’s Hippolito’s bosom.

_Duke._ How far stands Bethlem hence?

_Cas._, _Flu._, _&c._ Six or seven miles.

_Duke._ Is’t so? not married till the afternoon: Stay, stay, let’s work out some prevention. How! This is most strange; can none but mad men serve To dress their wedding dinner? All of you Get presently to horse, disguise yourselves Like country-gentlemen, Or riding citizens, or so: and take Each man a several path, but let us meet At Bethlem Monastery, some space of time Being spent between the arrival each of other, As if we came to see the lunatics. To horse, away! be secret on your lives. Love must be punished that unjustly thrives. [_Exeunt all but_ FLUELLO.

_Flu._ Be secret on your lives! Castruchio, You’re but a scurvy spaniel; honest lord, Good lady: zounds, their love is just, ’tis good, And I’ll prevent you, though I swim in blood. [_Exit._

[Illustration]

## SCENE II. _An Apartment in Bethlem Monastery._

_Enter ~Friar~_ ANSELMO, HIPPOLITO, MATHEO, _and_ INFELICE.

_Hip._ Nay, nay, resolve,[209] good father, or deny.

[209] Consent.

_Ans._ You press me to an act, both full of danger, And full of happiness; for I behold Your father’s frowns, his threats, nay, perhaps death To him that dare do this: yet, noble lord, Such comfortable beams break through these clouds By this blest marriage, that your honoured word Being pawned in my defence, I will tie fast The holy wedding-knot.

_Hip._ Tush, fear not the duke.

_Ans._ O son! wisely to fear, is to be free from fear.

_Hip._ You have our words, and you shall have our lives, To guard you safe from all ensuing danger.

_Mat._ Ay, ay, chop ’em up, and away.

_Ans._ Stay, when is’t fit for me, and safest for you, To entertain this business?

_Hip._ Not till the evening.

_Ans._ Be’t so, there is a chapel stands hard by, Upon the west end of the abbey wall; Thither convey yourselves, and when the sun Hath turned his back upon this upper world, I’ll marry you; that done, no thundering voice Can break the sacred bond: yet, lady, here You are most safe.

_Inf._ Father, your love’s most dear.

_Mat._ Ay, well said, lock us into some little room by ourselves, that we may be mad for an hour or two.

_Hip._ O, good Matheo, no, let’s make no noise.

_Mat._ How! no noise! do you know where you are? ’sfoot, amongst all the mad-caps in Milan: so that to throw the house out at window will be the better, and no man will suspect that we lurk here to steal mutton[210]: the more sober we are, the more scurvy ’tis. And though the friar tell us, that here we are safest, I am not of his mind, for if those lay here that had lost their money, none would ever look after them, but here are none but those that have lost their wits, so that if hue and cry be made, hither they’ll come; and my reason is, because none goes to be married till he be stark mad.

[210] _i.e._ To steal a wench.

_Hip._ Muffle yourselves, yonder’s Fluello.

_Enter_ FLUELLO.

_Mat._ Zounds!

_Flu._ O my lord, these cloaks are not for this rain! the tempest is too great: I come sweating to tell you of it, that you may get out of it.

_Mat._ Why, what’s the matter?

_Flu._ What’s the matter? you have mattered it fair: the duke’s at hand.

_All._ The duke?

_Flu._ The very duke.

_Hip._ Then all our plots Are turned upon our heads; and we’re blown up With our own underminings. ’Sfoot, how comes he? What villain durst betray our being here?

_Flu._ Castruchio! Castruchio told the duke, and Matheo here told Castruchio.

_Hip._ Would you betray me to Castruchio?

_Mat._ ’Sfoot, he damned himself to the pit of hell, if he spake on’t again.

_Hip._ So did you swear to me: so were you damned.

_Mat._ Pox on ’em, and there be no faith in men, if a man shall not believe oaths: he took bread and salt,[211] by this light, that he would never open his lips.

[211] It was the ancient practice when persons were sworn for them to eat bread and salt.

_Hip._ O God, O God!

_Ans._ Son, be not desperate, Have patience, you shall trip your enemy Down by his own slights.[212] How far is the duke hence?

[212] Artifices.

_Flu._ He’s but new set out: Castruchio, Pioratto and Sinezi come along with him; you have time enough yet to prevent[213] them, if you have but courage.

[213] Anticipate.

_Ans._ Ye shall steal secretly into the chapel, And presently be married. If the duke Abide here still, spite of ten thousand eyes, You shall ’scape hence like friars.

_Hip._ O blest disguise! O happy man!

_Ans._ Talk not of happiness till your closed hand Have her by th’ forehead, like the lock of Time: Be nor too slow, nor hasty, now you climb Up to the tower of bliss; only be wary And patient, that’s all: If you like my plot, Build and despatch; if not, farewell, then not.

_Hip._ O yes, we do applaud it! we’ll dispute No longer, but will hence and execute. Fluello, you’ll stay here: let us be gone; The ground that frighted lovers tread upon Is stuck with thorns.

_Ans._ Come, then, away, ’tis meet, To escape those thorns, to put on wingèd feet. [_Exeunt_ ANSELMO, HIPPOLITO _and_ INFELICE.

_Mat._ No words, I pray, Fluello, for’t stands us upon.

_Flu._ Oh, sir, let that be your lesson! [_Exit_ MATHEO. Alas, poor lovers! On what hopes and fears Men toss themselves for women! When she’s got, The best has in her that which pleaseth not.

_Enter the_ DUKE, CASTRUCHIO, PIORATTO, _and_ SINEZI _from different doors, muffled_.

_Duke._ Who’s there?

_Cas._ My lord.

_Duke._ Peace; send that lord away. A lordship will spoil all; let’s be all fellows. What’s he?

_Cas._ Fluello, or else Sinezi, by his little legs.

_Cas._, _Flu._, _Pio._ All friends, all friends.

_Duke._ What? met upon the very point of time? Is this the place?

_Pio._ This is the place, my lord.

_Duke._ Dream you on lordships? come no more lords, I pray: You have not seen these lovers yet?

_All._ Not yet.

_Duke._ Castruchio, art thou sure this wedding feast Is not till afternoon?

_Cas._ So’t is given out, my lord.

_Duke._ Nay, nay, ’tis like; thieves must observe their hours; Lovers watch minutes like astronomers; How shall the interim hours by us be spent?

_Flu._ Let’s all go see the madmen.

_Cas._, _Pio._, _Sin._ Mass, content.

_Enter a ~Sweeper~._

_Duke._ Oh, here comes one; question him, question him.

_Flu._ Now, honest fellow? dost thou belong to the house?

_Sweep._ Yes, forsooth, I am one of the implements, I sweep the madmen’s rooms, and fetch straw for ’em, and buy chains to tie ’em, and rods to whip ’em. I was a mad wag myself here, once, but I thank Father Anselmo, he lashed me into my right mind again.

_Duke._ Anselmo is the friar must marry them; Question him where he is.

_Cas._ And where is Father Anselmo now?

_Sweep._ Marry, he’s gone but e’en now.

_Duke._ Ay, well done.--Tell me, whither is he gone?

_Sweep._ Why, to God a’mighty.

_Flu._ Ha, ha! this fellow’s a fool, talks idly.

_Pio._ Sirrah, are all the mad folks in Milan brought hither?

_Sweep._ How, all? there’s a question indeed: why if all the mad folks in Milan should come hither, there would not be left ten men in the city.

_Duke._ Few gentlemen or courtiers here, ha?

_Sweep._ O yes, abundance, abundance! lands no sooner fall into their hands, but straight they run out a’ their wits: citizens’ sons and heirs are free of the house by their fathers’ copy. Farmers’ sons come hither like geese, in flocks, and when they ha’ sold all their corn-fields, here they sit and pick the straws.

_Sin._ Methinks you should have women here as well as men.

_Sweep._ Oh, ay, a plague on ’em, there’s no ho![214] with ’em; they’re madder than March hares.

[214] _i.e._ They are not to be restrained by being called to.

_Flu._ Are there no lawyers amongst you?

_Sweep._ Oh no, not one; never any lawyer, we dare not let a lawyer come in, for he’ll make ’em mad faster than we can recover ’em.

_Duke._ And how long is’t ere you recover any of these?

_Sweep._ Why, according to the quantity of the moon that’s got into ’em. An alderman’s son will be mad a great while, a very great while, especially if his friends left him well; a whore will hardly come to her wits again: a puritan, there’s no hope of him, unless he may pull down the steeple, and hang himself i’ th’ bell-ropes.

_Flu._ I perceive all sorts of fish come to your net.

_Sweep._ Yes, in truth, we have blocks[215] for all heads; we have good store of wild-oats here: for the courtier is mad at the citizen, the citizen is mad at the countryman; the shoemaker is mad at the cobbler, the cobbler at the car-man; the punk is mad that the merchant’s wife is no whore, the merchant’s wife is mad that the punk is so common a whore. Gods so, here’s Father Anselmo; pray say nothing that I tell tales out of the school. [_Exit._

[215] Hats.

_Re-enter_ ANSELMO _and ~Servants~_.

_All._ God bless you, father.

_Ans._ I thank you, gentlemen.

_Cas._ Pray, may we see some of those wretched souls, That here are in your keeping?

_Ans._ Yes, you shall. But gentlemen, I must disarm you then: There are of mad men, as there are of tame, All humoured not alike: we have here some, So apish and fantastic, play with a feather, And, though ’twould grieve a soul to see God’s image So blemished and defaced, yet do they act Such antic and such pretty lunacies, That spite of sorrow they will make you smile: Others again we have like hungry lions, Fierce as wild-bulls, untameable as flies, And these have oftentimes from strangers’ sides Snatched rapiers suddenly, and done much harm, Whom if you’ll see, you must be weaponless.

_All._ With all our hearts. [_Giving their weapons to_ ANSELMO.

_Ans._ Here, take these weapons in,-- [_Exit ~Servant~ with weapons._ Stand off a little, pray; so, so, ’tis well: I’ll show you here a man that was sometimes A very grave and wealthy citizen; Has served a prenticeship to this misfortune, Been here seven years, and dwelt in Bergamo.

_Duke._ How fell he from his wits?

_Ans._ By loss at sea; I’ll stand aside, question him you alone, For if he spy me, he’ll not speak a word, Unless he’s throughly vexed.

[_Opens a door and then retires: enter ~1st Madman~, wrapt in a net._

_Flu._ Alas, poor soul!

_Cas._ A very old man.

_Duke._ God speed, father!

_1st Mad._ God speed the plough, thou shalt not speed me.

_Pio._ We see you, old man, for all you dance in a net.

_1st Mad._ True, but thou wilt dance in a halter, and I shall not see thee.

_Ans._ Oh do not vex him, pray.

_Cas._ Are you a fisherman, father?

_1st Mad._ No, I am neither fish nor flesh.

_Flu._ What do you with that net then?

_1st Mad._ Dost not see, fool? there’s a fresh salmon in’t; if you step one foot further, you’ll be over shoes, for you see I’m over head and ears in the salt-water: and if you fall into this whirl-pool where I am, you’re drowned: you’re a drowned rat. I am fishing here for five ships, but I cannot have a good draught, for my net breaks still, and breaks; but I’ll break some of your necks an I catch you in my clutches. Stay, stay, stay, stay, stay, where’s the wind? where’s the wind? where’s the wind? where’s the wind? Out you gulls, you goose-caps, you gudgeon-eaters! do you look for the wind in the heavens? ha, ha, ha, ha! no, no! look there, look there, look there! the wind is always at that door: hark how it blows, puff, puff, puff!

_All._ Ha, ha, ha!

_1st Mad._ Do you laugh at God’s creatures? Do you mock old age, you rogues? Is this gray beard and head counterfeit that you cry, ha, ha, ha? Sirrah, art not thou my eldest son?

_Pio._ Yes indeed, father.

_1st Mad._ Then thou’rt a fool, for my eldest son had a polt-foot,[216] crooked legs, a verjuice face, and a pear-coloured beard: I made him a scholar, and he made himself a fool. Sirrah, thou there: hold out thy hand.

[216] Club foot.

_Duke._ My hand? well, here ’tis.

_1st Mad._ Look, look, look, look! has he not long nails, and short hair?

_Flu._ Yes, monstrous short hair, and abominable long nails.

_1st Mad._ Ten penny nails, are they not?

_Flu._ Yes, ten-penny nails.

_1st Mad._ Such nails had my second boy. Kneel down, thou varlet, and ask thy father’s blessing. Such nails had my middlemost son, and I made him a promoter:[217] and he scraped, and scraped, and scraped, till he got the devil and all: but he scraped thus, and thus, and thus, and it went under his legs, till at length a company of kites, taking him for carrion, swept up all, all, all, all, all, all, all. If you love your lives, look to yourselves: see, see, see, see, the Turks’ galleys are fighting with my ships! Bounce go the guns! Oooh! cry the men! Rumble, rumble, go the waters! Alas, there; ’tis sunk, ’tis sunk: I am undone, I am undone! You are the damned pirates have undone me: you are, by the Lord, you are, you are! Stop ’em--you are!

[217] Informer.

_Ans._ Why, how now sirrah! must I fall to tame you?

_1st Mad._ Tame me! no, I’ll be madder than a roasted cat. See, see, I am burnt with gunpowder,--these are our close fights!

_Ans._ I’ll whip you, if you grow unruly thus.

_1st Mad._ Whip me? Out you toad! Whip me? What justice is this, to whip me because I am a beggar? Alas! I am a poor man: a very poor man! I am starved, and have had no meat by this light, ever since the great flood; I am a poor man.

_Ans._ Well, well, be quiet, and you shall have meat.

_1st Mad._ Ay, ay, pray do; for look you, here be my guts: these are my ribs--you may look through my ribs--see how my guts come out! These are my red guts, my very guts, oh, oh!

_Ans._ Take him in there. [Servants _remove_ 1st Madman.

_Flu., Pio., &c._ A very piteous sight.

_Cas._ Father, I see you have a busy charge.

_Ans._ They must be used like children, pleased with toys, And anon whipped for their unruliness: I’ll show you now a pair quite different From him that’s gone: he was all words; and these Unless you urge ’em, seldom spend their speech, But save their tongues.

[_Opens another door, from which enter ~2nd~ and_ 3rd Madmen.

La, you; this hithermost Fell from the happy quietness of mind, About a maiden that he loved, and died: He followed her to church, being full of tears, And as her body went into the ground, He fell stark mad. This is a married man, Was jealous of a fair, but, as some say, A very virtuous wife; and that spoiled him.

_3rd Mad._ All these are whoremongers, and lay with my wife: whore, whore, whore, whore, whore!

_Flu._ Observe him.

_3rd Mad._ Gaffer shoemaker, you pulled on my wife’s pumps, and then crept into her pantofles:[218] lie there, lie there! This was her tailor. You cut out her loose-bodied gown, and put in a yard more than I allowed her; lie there by the shoemaker. O master doctor! are you here? you gave me a purgation, and then crept into my wife’s chamber, to feel her pulses, and you said, and she said, and her maid said, that they went pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat. Doctor, I’ll put you anon into my wife’s urinal. Heigh, come aloft, Jack: this was her schoolmaster, and taught her to play upon the virginals, and still his jacks leapt up, up.[219] You pricked her out nothing but bawdy lessons, but I’ll prick you all, fiddler--doctor--tailor--shoemaker--shoemaker--fiddler--doctor--tailor! So! lie with my wife again, now.

[218] Slippers. Fr. _pantoufles_.

[219] In playing the virginal the sound ceased whenever the jack fell and touched the string.

_Cas._ See how he notes the other, now he feeds.

_3rd Mad._ Give me some porridge.

_2nd Mad._ I’ll give thee none.

_3rd Mad._ Give me some porridge.

_2nd Mad._ I’ll not give thee a bit.

_3rd Mad._ Give me that flap-dragon.[220]

[220] A flap-dragon was a raisin floating on lighted spirit in a dish or glass and had to be snatched out with the mouth and swallowed. Gallants used to toast their mistresses in flap-dragons.

_2nd Mad._ I’ll not give thee a spoonful: thou liest, it’s no dragon, ’tis a parrot, that I bought for my sweetheart, and I’ll keep it.

_3rd Mad._ Here’s an almond for parrot.

_2nd Mad._ Hang thyself!

_3rd Mad._ Here’s a rope for parrot.[221]

[221] “An almond for parrot,” and “a rope for parrot,” were common phrases at the time.

_2nd Mad._ Eat it, for I’ll eat this.

_3rd Mad._ I’ll shoot at thee, an thou’t give me none.

_2nd Mad._ Wu’t thou?

_3rd Mad._ I’ll run a tilt at thee, an thou’t give me none.

_2nd Mad._ Wu’t thou? do an thou darest.

_3rd Mad._ Bounce! [_Strikes him._

_2nd Mad._ O--oh! I am slain! murder, murder, murder! I am slain; my brains are beaten out.

_Ans._ How now, you villains! Bring me whips: I’ll whip you.

_2nd Mad._ I am dead! I am slain! ring out the bell, for I am dead.

_Duke._ How will you do now, sirrah? you ha’ killed him.

_3rd Mad._ I’ll answer’t at sessions: he was eating of almond-butter, and I longed for’t: the child had never been delivered out of my belly, if I had not killed him. I’ll answer’t at sessions, so my wife may be burnt i’ th’ hand, too.

_Ans._ Take ’em in both: bury him, for he’s dead.

_2nd Mad._ Indeed, I am dead; put me, I pray, into a good pit-hole.

_3rd Mad._ I’ll answer’t at sessions. [_~Servants~ remove ~2nd~ and ~3rd Madmen~._

_Enter_ BELLAFRONT.

_Ans._ How now, huswife, whither gad you?

_Bell._ A-nutting, forsooth: how do you, gaffer? how do you, gaffer? there’s a French curtsey for you, too.

_Flu._ ’Tis Bellafront!

_Pio._ Tis the punk, by th’ Lord!

_Duke._ Father, what’s she, I pray?

_Ans._ As yet I know not, She came in but this day; talks little idly, And therefore has the freedom of the house.

_Bell._ Do not you know me?--nor you?--nor you?--nor you?

_All._ No, indeed.

_Bell._ Then you are an ass,--and you an ass,--and you are an ass,--for I know you.

_Ans._ Why, what are they? come, tell me, what are they?

_Bell._ They’re fish-wives, will you buy any gudgeons? God’s santy![222] yonder come friars, I know them too--

[222] A corruption of God’s sanctity or God’s saints.--_Steevens._

_Enter_ HIPPOLITO, MATHEO, _and_ INFELICE, _disguised as ~Friars~_.

How do you, friar?

_Ans._ Nay, nay, away, you must not trouble friars.-- The duke is here, speak nothing.

_Bell._ Nay, indeed, you shall not go: we’ll run at barley-break first, and you shall be in hell.[223]

[223] In the game of barley-break the ground was divided into three compartments, the middle one of which was called “hell.”

_Mat._ My punk turned mad whore, as all her fellows are!

_Hip._ Say nothing; but steal hence, when you spy time.

_Ans._ I’ll lock you up, if you’re unruly: fie!

_Bell._ Fie? marry, soh! they shall not go indeed, till I ha’ told ’em their fortunes.

_Duke._ Good father, give her leave.

_Bell._ Ay, pray, good father, and I’ll give you my blessing.

_Ans._ Well then, be brief, but if you’re thus unruly, I’ll have you locked up fast.

_Pio._ Come, to their fortunes.

_Bell._ Let me see, one, two, three, and four. I’ll begin with the little friar[224] first. Here’s a fine hand, indeed! I never saw friar have such a dainty hand: here’s a hand for a lady! Here’s your fortune:--

[224] _i.e._ Infelice.

You love a friar better than a nun; Yet long you’ll love no friar, nor no friar’s son. Bow a little, the line of life is out, yet I’m afraid, For all you’re holy, you’ll not die a maid. God give you joy! Now to you, Friar Tuck.

_Mat._ God send me good luck!

_Bell._ You love one, and one loves you: You’re a false knave, and she’s a Jew, Here is a dial that false ever goes--

_Mat._ O your wit drops!

_Bell._ Troth, so does your nose-- Nay lets shake hands with you too; pray open, here’s a fine hand! Ho friar, ho! God be here, So he had need: you’ll keep good cheer, Here’s a free table,[225] but a frozen breast, For you’ll starve those that love you best; Yet you have good fortune, for if I’m no liar, Then you are no friar, nor you, nor you no friar, Haha, haha! [_Discovers them._

[225] A quibble. “Table” also meant the palm of the hand.--_Dyce._

_Duke._ Are holy habits cloaks for villany? Draw all your weapons!

_Hip._ Do; draw all your weapons.

_Duke._ Where are your weapons? draw!

_Cas._, _Pio._, _&c._ The friar has gulled us of ’em.

_Mat._ O rare trick! You ha’ learnt one mad point of arithmetic.

_Hip._ Why swells your spleen so high? against what bosom Would you your weapons draw? her’s? ’tis your daughter’s: Mine? ’tis your son’s.

_Duke._ Son?

_Mat._ Son, by yonder sun.

_Hip._ You cannot shed blood here but ’tis your own; To spill your own blood were damnation: Lay smooth that wrinkled brow, and I will throw Myself beneath your feet: Let it be ruggèd still and flinted ore, What can come forth but sparkles, that will burn Yourself and us? She’s mine; my claim’s most good; She’s mine by marriage, though she’s yours by blood.