book I

ever wrote.

_Jerrold._--No, I didn't. I said it was the worst book anybody ever wrote.

MXCIV.--A MYSTERY CLEARED UP.

W----, they say, is bright! yet to discover The fact you vainly in St. Stephen's sit. But hold! _Extremes will meet_: the marvel's over; His very _dulness_ is the _extreme_ of wit.

MXCV.--BRAHAM AND KENNEY.

THE pride of some people differs from that of others. Mr. Bunn was passing through Jermyn Street, late one evening, and seeing Kenney at the corner of St. James's Church, swinging about in a nervous sort of manner, he inquired the cause of his being there at such an hour. He replied, "I have been to the St. James's Theatre, and, do you know, I really thought Braham was a much prouder man than I find him to be." On asking why, he answered, "I was in the green-room, and hearing Braham say, as he entered, 'I am really _proud_ of my pit to-night,' I went and counted it, and there were but _seventeen_ people in it."

MXCVI.--HOW TO ESCAPE TAXATION.

"I WOULD," says Fox, "a tax devise That shall not fall on me." "Then tax _receipts_," Lord North replies, "For those you _never_ see."

MXCVII.--A BED OF--WHERE?

A SCOTCH country minister had been invited, with his wife, to dine and spend the night at the house of one of his lairds. Their host was very proud of one of the very large beds which had just come into fashion, and in the morning asked the lady how she had slept in it. "O very well, sir; but, indeed, I thought _I'd lost_ the minister a' thegither."

MXCVIII.--ENVY.

A DRUNKEN man was found in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, by the roadside, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!" replied another, who had turned him with his face uppermost; "by the powers, _I wish I had just half his disease_!"--in other words, a moiety of the whiskey he had drunk.

MXCIX.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.

"I KEEP an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little _upon it_."

MC.--MORE HONORED IN THE BREACH.

A LAIRD OF LOGAN sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, "You buy him as you see him; but he's an _honest_ beast." The purchaser took him home. In a few days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and his rider's head. On this the angry purchaser remonstrated with the laird, whose reply was, "Well, sir, I told you he was an honest beast; many a time has he _threatened_ to come down with me, and I kenned he would _keep his word_ some day."

MCI.--"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU."

MR. NEVILLE, formerly a fellow of Jesus College, was distinguished, by many innocent singularities, uncommon shyness, and stammering of speech, but when he used _bad_ words he could talk fluently. In one of his solitary rambles a countryman met him and inquired the road. "Tu--u--rn," says Neville, "to--to--to--" and so on for a minute or two; at last he burst out, "_Confound it, man! you'll get there before I can tell you_!"

MCII.--ON MR. MILTON, THE LIVERY STABLE-KEEPER.

TWO Miltons, in separate ages were born, The cleverer Milton 'tis clear we have got; Though the other had talents the world to adorn, _This_ lives by his _mews_, which the other could not!

MCIII.--A LONG RESIDENCE.

THE following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied, "Tastes differ; I'se tak' ye to a place no far frae Stirling, whaur thretty thousand o' yer countrymen ha' been for five hunder years, an' they've nae thocht _o' leavin' yet_."

MCIV.--SPARE THE ROD.

A SCHOOLBOY being asked by the teacher how he should flog him, replied, "If you please, sir, I should like to have it upon the _Italian system_--the heavy strokes up-wards, and the down ones light."

MCV.--POLITICAL SINECURE.

CURRAN, after a debate which gave rise to high words, put his hand to his heart, and declared that he was the trusty _guardian_ of his own honor. Upon which Sir Boyle Roche congratulated his honorable friend on the snug little _sinecure_ he had discovered for himself.

MCVI.--EPIGRAM ON A PETIT-MAÎTRE PHYSICIAN.

WHEN Pennington for female ills indites, Studying alone not what, but how he writes, The ladies, as his graceful form they scan, Cry, with ill-omened rapture,--"_Killing man_!"

MCVII.--DAMPED ARDOR.

JERROLD and Laman Blanchard were strolling together about London, discussing passionately a plan for joining Byron in Greece, when a heavy shower of rain wetted them through. Jerrold, telling the story many years after, said, "That shower of rain washed all the Greece out of us."

MCVIII.--ELLISTON AND GEORGE IV.

IN 1824, when the question of erecting a monument to Shakespeare, in his native town, was agitated by Mr. Mathews and Mr. Bunn, the King (George IV.) took a lively interest in the matter, and, considering that the leading people of both the patent theatres should be consulted, directed Sir Charles Long, Sir George Beaumont, and Sir Francis Freeling to ascertain Mr. Elliston's sentiments on the subject. As soon as these distinguished individuals (who had come direct from, and were going direct back to, the Palace) had delivered themselves of their mission, Elliston replied, "Very well, gentlemen, leave the papers with me, and _I will talk over the business with_ HIS MAJESTY."

MCIX.--TRUTH AND FICTION.

A TRAVELLER relating his adventures, told the company that he and his servants had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he observed, that there was no great matter in it,--"For," says he, "we ran, and they ran _after us_."

MCX.--A REASONABLE REFUSAL.

AT the time of expected invasion at the beginning of the century, some of the town magistrates called upon an old maiden lady of Montrose, and solicited her subscription to raise men for the service of the King. "Indeed," she answered right sturdily, "I'll do nae sic thing; I never could raise a man _for mysel_, and I'm no gaun to raise men for King George."

MCXI.--LORD NORTH'S DROLLERY.

A VEHEMENT political declaimer, calling aloud for the head of Lord North, turned round and perceived his victim unconsciously indulging in a quiet slumber, and, becoming still more exasperated, denounced the Minister as capable of sleeping while he ruined his country; the latter only complained how cruel it was to be denied a solace which other criminals so often enjoyed, that of having a night's rest before their fate. On Mr. Martin's proposal to have a starling placed near the chair, and taught to repeat the cry of "_Infamous coalition_!" Lord North coolly suggested, that, as long as the worthy member was preserved to them, it would be a needless waste of the public money, since the starling might well perform his office _by deputy_.

MCXII.--INCAPACITY.

A YOUNG ecclesiastic asked his bishop permission to preach. "_I_ would permit you," answered the prelate; "but _nature_ will not."

MCXIII.--EPIGRAM.

(Suggested by hearing a debate in the House of Commons.)

TO wonder now at Balaam's ass were weak; Is there a night that asses do not speak?

MCXIV.--VALUE OF NOTHING.

PORSON one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, requesting him to find the value of nothing. Next day he met his friend walking, and stopping him, desired to know, "Whether he had succeeded?" His friend answered, "Yes!"--"And what may it be?" asked Porson. "_Sixpence_!" replied the Cantab, "which I gave the man for bringing the note."

MCXV.--THE RIGHT ORGAN.

SPURZHEIM was lecturing on phrenology. "What is to be conceived the organ of drunkenness?" said the professor. "The _barrel_-organ," interrupted an auditor.

MCXVI.--MIND YOUR POINTS.

A WRITER, in describing the last scene of "Othello," had this exquisite passage: "Upon which the Moor, seizing _a bolster full of rage and jealousy_, smothers her."

MCXVII.--REASONS FOR DRINKING.

DR. ALDRICH, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for drinking:--

"Good wine, a friend, or being dry, Or lest you should be by and by, Or any other reason why."

MCXVIII.--NO MATTER WHAT COLOR.

AN eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?"--"I don't know," answered the divine dryly, "whether they are black or white sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be _fleeced_."

MCXIX.--AN ODD OCCURRENCE.

AT a wedding the other day one of the guests, who often is a little absent-minded, observed gravely, "I have often remarked that there have been _more_ women than men married this year."

MCXX.--A DANGEROUS GENERALIZATION.

A TUTOR bidding one of his pupils, whose name was Charles Howl, to make some English verses, and seeing he put _teeth_ to rhyme with _feet_, told him he was wrong there, as that was no proper rhyme. Charles answered, "You have often told me that H was no letter, and therefore this is good rhyme." His tutor said, "Take heed, Charles, of that evasion, for that will make you an _owl_."

MCXXI.--NOSCE TE IPSUM.

SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed he, with great emphasis--"where shall we find a more foolish knave or a more _knavish fool_ than he?"--"Hear! hear!" was shouted by the troublesome member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.

MCXXII.--VERA CANNIE.

A YOUNG lady, pressed by friends to marry a decent, but poor man, on the plea, "_Marry_ for love, and _work_ for siller," replied, "It's a' vera true, but a kiss and a tinniefu[C] o' cauld water maks a gey wersh[D] breakfast."

[C] Tinnie, the small porringer of children.

[D] Insipid.

MCXXIII.--TIMELY AID.

A LADY was followed by a beggar, who very importunately asked her for alms. She refused him; when he quitted her, saying, with a profound sigh, "Yet the alms I asked you for would have prevented me executing my present resolution!" The lady was alarmed lest the man should commit some rash attempt on his own life. She called him back, and gave him a shilling, and asked him the meaning of what he had just said. "Madam," said the fellow, laying hold of the money, "I have been _begging_ all day in vain, and but for this shilling I should have been obliged to _work_!"

MCXXIV.--WHIST.

MRS. BRAY relates the following of a Devonshire physician, happily named Vial, who was a desperate lover of whist. One evening in the midst of a deal, the doctor fell off his chair in a fit. Consternation seized on the company. Was he alive or dead? At length he showed signs of life, and, retaining the last fond idea which had possessed him at the moment he fell into the fit, exclaimed, "_What is trumps_?"

MCXXV.--HENRY ERSKINE.

THE late Hon. Henry Erskine met his acquaintance Jemmy Ba--four, a barrister, who dealt in hard words and circumlocutious sentences. Perceiving that his ankle was tied up with a silk handkerchief, the former asked the cause. "Why, my dear sir," answered the wordy lawyer, "I was taking a romantic ramble in my brother's grounds, when, coming to a gate, I had to climb over it, by which I came in contact with the first bar, and have grazed the epidermis on my skin, attended with a slight extravasation of blood."--"You may thank your lucky stars," replied Mr. Erskine, "that your brother's _gate_ was not as _lofty_ as your _style_, or you must have broken your neck."

MCXXVI.--THE ABBEY CHURCH AT BATH.

THESE walls, so full of monuments and bust, Show how Bath waters serve to lay the dust.

MCXXVII.--TOO MUCH AND TOO LITTLE.

TWO friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still resembled only the "effigy of a man,"--said the stout gentleman, "Why, Dick, you look as if you had not had a dinner since I saw you last."--"And you," replied the other, "look as if you _had been at dinner ever since_."

MCXXVIII.--SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT.

AN arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can your mag t-t-talk yet?"--"Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than _you_, or I'd wring his _head off_."

MCXXIX.--AN EAST INDIAN CHAPLAINCY.

THE best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies; in whose body they _found the chaplain_ of the garrison, all in black, the Rev. Mr. ----, and who, after having been missing for above a week, was discovered in this very inconvenient situation.

MCXXX.--CONSTANCY.

CURRAN, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, "He'll not _change_ either till he comes back."

MCXXXI.--EPIGRAM.

(On hearing a prosing harangue from a certain Bishop.)

WHEN he holds forth, his reverence doth appear So lengthily his subject to pursue, That listeners (out of patience) often fear He has indeed _eternity in view_.

MCXXXII.--SPEAKING OF SAUSAGES.

MR. SMITH passed a pork-shop the other day,--Mr. Smith whistled. The moment he did this, every sausage "wagged its tail." As a note to this, we would mention that the day before he _lost a Newfoundland dog_, that weighed sixty-eight pounds.

MCXXXIII.--BRINGING HIS MAN DOWN.

ROGERS used to relate this story: An Englishman and a Frenchman fought a duel in a _darkened room_. The Englishman, unwilling to take his antagonist's life, generously fired up the chimney, and--_brought down the Frenchman_. "When I tell this story in France," pleasantly added the relator, "I make the _Englishman_ go up the chimney."

MCXXXIV.--A PERFECT BORE.

SOME ONE being asked if a certain authoress, whom he had long known, was not "a _little_ tiresome?"--"Not at all," said he, "she was _perfectly_ tiresome."

MCXXXV.--TOO CIVIL BY HALF.

AN Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the Court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one of the criminals, as he had intended. "Dear me!" said his lordship, "_I really beg his pardon_,--bring him in."

MCXXXVI.--"OUR LANDLADY."

A LANDLADY, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin, would order her servant to get the supplies after the following fashion: "Betty, go and get a quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin." Off started Betty. She was speedily recalled: "Betty, make it _half_ a quartern _loaf_, and a quartern of gin." But Betty had never fairly got across the threshold on the mission ere the voice was again heard: "Betty, on second thoughts, you may as well make it _all gin_."

MCXXXVII.--THE CHURCH IN THE WAY.

DR. JOHNSON censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking down a church, which might have stood for many years, and building a new one in a more convenient place, for no other reason but that there might be a direct road to a new bridge. "You are taking," said the doctor, "a church out of the way, that the people may go in a straight line to the bridge."--"No, sir," replied Gwyn: "I am putting the church _in_ the way, that the people may not _go out of the way_."

MCXXXVIII.--SAVING TIME.

A CANDIDATE at an election, who wanted eloquence, when another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great things, got up and said, "Electors of G----, all that he has _said_ I will _do_."

MCXXXIX.--THE YOUNG IDEA.

SCHOOLMISTRESS (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): "Come, now, what is that?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell you." Schoolmistress: "You won't! But you must. Come, now, what is it?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell you. I didn't come here to _teach you_,--but for you to _teach me_."

MCXL.--EPIGRAM.

TWO Harveys had a mutual wish To please in different stations; For one excelled in _Sauce for Fish_, And one in _Meditations_. Each had its pungent power applied To aid the dead and dying; _This_ relishes a _sole_ when _fried_, _That_ saves a _soul_ from _frying_.

MCXLI.--EPITAPHS.

IF truth, perspicuity, wit, gravity, and every property pertaining to the ancient or modern epitaph, may be expected united in one single epitaph, it is in one made for Burbadge, the tragedian, in the days of Shakespeare,--the following being the whole,--_Exit Burbadge_.

Jerrold, perhaps, trumped this by his anticipatory epitaph on that excellent man and distinguished historian, Charles Knight,--"Good Knight."

MCXLII.--NATIONAL PREJUDICE.

FOOTE being told of the appointment of a Scotch nobleman, said, "The Irish, sir, take us _all in_, and the Scotch turn us _all out_."

MCXLIII.--GRANDILOQUENCE.

A BOASTING fellow was asked, "Pray, sir, what may your business be?"--"O," replied the boaster, "I am but a cork-cutter: but then it is in a _very_ large way!"--"Indeed!" replied the other; "then I presume you are a cutter of _bungs_?"

MCXLIV.--THE LETTER C.

CURIOUS coincidences respecting the letter C, as connected with the Princess Charlotte, daughter of George IV.:--Her mother's name was Caroline, her own name was Charlotte; that of her consort Cobourg; she was married at Carlton House; her town residence was at Camelford House, the late owner of which, Lord Camelford, was untimely killed in a duel; her country residence Claremont, not long ago the property of Lord Clive, who ended his days by suicide; she died in Childbed, the name of her accoucheur being Croft.

MCXLV.--PRACTICAL RETORT.

IN a country theatre there were only seven persons in the house one night. The pit took offence at the miserable acting of a performer, and hissed him energetically; whereupon the manager brought his company on the stage, and _out-hissed_ the visitors.

MCXLVI.--AN AGREEABLE PRACTICE.

DR. GARTH (so he is called in the manuscript), who was one of the Kit-Kat Club, coming there one night, declared he must soon be gone, having many patients to attend; but some good wine being produced he forgot them. When Sir Richard Steele reminded him of his patients, Garth immediately said, "It's no great matter whether I see them to-night or not; for nine of them have such _bad_ constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't save them, and the other six have so _good_ constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't kill them."

MCXLVII.--A REASON FOR RUNNING AWAY.

OWEN MOORE has run away, Owing more than he can pay.

MCXLVIII.--LEGAL EXTRAVAGANCE.

"HURRAH! Hurrah!" cried a young lawyer, who had succeeded to his father's practice, "I've settled that old chancery suit at last."--"_Settled it_!" cried the astonished parent, "why I gave you that as _an annuity_ for your life."

MCXLIX.--A CLAIM ON THE COUNTRY.

"AS you do not belong to my parish," said a clergyman to a begging sailor, with a wooden leg, "you cannot expect that I should relieve you."--"Sir," said the sailor, with a noble air, "I lost my leg fighting for _all parishes_."

MCL.--PLAIN SPEAKING.

GEORGE II., who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in his opinions, he had better suppress them. "Had Martin Luther _done so_," replied the philosopher, "your majesty would not have been on the throne of England."

MCLL.--THE PLURAL NUMBER.

A BOY being asked what was the plural of "penny," replied, with great promptness and simplicity, "_two-pence_."

MCLII.--MAULE-PRACTICE.

A MAN having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so with consent. "In the future," said Mr. Justice Maule, "When you receive a lady's consent under similar circumstances, get it, if possible, _in writing_."

MCLIII.--VERY LIKELY.

AN English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, and after suffering amputation with the greatest courage, thus addressed his servant who was crying, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room, "None of your hypocritical tears, you idle dog; you know you are very glad, for now you will have only _one boot_ to clean instead of _two_."

MCLIV.--MUCH ALIKE.

A SAILOR was asked, "Where did your father die?"--"In a storm," answered the sailor. "And your grandfather?"--"He was drowned."--"And your great-grandfather?"--"He perished at sea."--"How, then," said the questioner, "dare you go to sea, since all your ancestors perished there? You needs must be very rash."--"Master," replied the sailor, "do me the favor of telling me where your father died?"--"Very comfortably in a bed."--"And your forefathers?"--"In the same manner,--very quietly in their beds."--"Ah! master," replied the sailor, "how, then, dare you _go to bed_, since all your ancestors died in it?"

MCLV.--A GOOD WIFE.

A VERY excellent lady was desired by another to teach her what secrets she had to preserve her husband's favor. "It is," replied she, "by doing all that _pleases_ him, and by enduring patiently all that _displeases_ me."

MCLVI.--WELLINGTON SURPRISED.

A NOBLEMAN ventured, in a moment of conviviality at his grace's table, to put this question to him: "Allow me to ask, as we are all here titled, if you were not SURPRISED at Waterloo?" To which the duke responded, "No; but I am NOW."

MCLVII.--TOO CLEVER.

A COUNTRY boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things, as country lads generally are. His master having sent him down stairs for two bottles of wine, he said to him, "Well, John, have you _shook them_?"--"No, sir; but I will," he replied, suiting the action to the word.

MCLVIII.--A LIGHT JOKE.

AN eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his candles were burned down to the middle, not one of them would burn any longer. He was at first greatly enraged at what he deemed a gross falsehood; but the same evening he tried the experiment at home, and found it to be a fact, "that when burned to the middle, neither candle would burn _any longer_."

MCLIX.--A REBUKE.

A BRAGGART, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said an old soldier, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't _look back_."

MCLX.--A MODEL PHILANTHROPIST.

"BOBBY, what does your father do for a living?"--"He's a _philanthropist_, sir."--"A what?"--"A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir,--he collects money for Central America, and _builds houses_ out of the proceeds."

MCLXI.--GREAT CABBAGE.

A FOREIGNER asked an English tailor how much cloth was necessary for a suit of clothes. He replied, _twelve_ yards. Astonished at the quantity, he went to another, who said _seven_ would be quite sufficient. Not thinking of the exorbitancy even of this demand, all his rage was against the first tailor: so to him he went. "How did you dare, sir, ask twelve yards of cloth, to make me what your neighbor says he can do for seven?"--"Lord, sir!" replied the man, "my neighbor can easily do it, he has but _three_ children to clothe, I have _six_."

MCLXII.--TRUE AND FALSE.

A BEGGAR asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to whom he applied himself, asked him a question in, _Latin_. The fellow, shaking his head, said he did not understand him. "Why," said the gentleman, "did you not say you were a poor scholar?"--"Yes," replied the other, "a _poor one_ indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word of _Latin_."

MCLXIII.--NOT QUITE CORRECT.

A HUNTSMAN, reported to have lived with Mr. Beckford, was not so correct in his conversation as he was in his professional employments. One day when he had been out with the young hounds, Mr. B. sent for him, and asked what sport he had had, and how the hounds behaved. "Very great sport, sir, and no hounds could behave better."--"Did you run him long?"--"They run him up-wards of five hours _successfully_."--"So then you _did_ kill him?"--"O no, sir; we lost him at last."

MCLXIV.--A FOOL CONFIRMED.

DR. PARR, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once called a clergyman a _fool_, and there was probably some truth in his application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different opinion, declared he would complain to the bishop of the usage. "Do so," added the learned Grecian, "and my Lord Bishop will _confirm_ you."

MCLXV.--PLEASANT.

A COUNTRY dentist advertises that "he spares no pains" to render his operations satisfactory.

MCLXVI.--ALERE FLAMMAN.

MRS. B---- desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell her, for she had other _irons in the fire_, and in case of its not being likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the doctor, after having turned over a few of the leaves, "I advise you, madam, to put it where your _other irons_ are."

MCLXVII.--ORATORY.

AT the time when Sir Richard Steele was preparing his great room in York Buildings for public orations, he was behindhand in his payments to the workmen; and coming one day among them, to see what progress they made, he ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrum, and speak anything that came uppermost, that he might observe how it could be heard. "Why then, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "here have we been working for you these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do you mean to pay us?"--"Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray come down; I have _heard_ quite enough; I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, though I don't much _admire your subject_."

MCLXVIII.--SOLDIERS' WIVES.

THE late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out a new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the situation. "But," said the housekeeper, "I am afraid she will not suit your royal highness, as she is _a soldier's wife_, and these people are generally _loose characters_!"--"What is it you say?" said the duke, who had just entered the room, "_a soldier's wife_! Pray, madam, _what is your mistress_? I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged."

MCLXIX.--NO JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN, finding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set up a board in a most conspicuous situation, to scare offenders, by the notification that "Steel-traps and Spring-guns are set in these Grounds";--but finding that even this was treated with contempt, he caused to be painted, in very prominent letters, underneath,--"NO JOKE, BY THE LORD HARRY!" which had the desired effect.

MCLXX.--A GOOD LIKENESS.

A PERSON who had often teased another ineffectually for subscriptions to charitable undertakings, was one day telling him that he had just seen his picture. "And did you ask it for a subscription?" said the non-giver. "No, I saw no chance," replied the other; "it was _so like you_."

MCLXXI.--CUTTING AN ACQUAINTANCE.

GEORGE SELWYN, happening to be at Bath when it was nearly empty, was induced, for the mere purpose of killing time, to cultivate the acquaintance of an elderly gentleman he was in the habit of meeting at the Rooms. In the height of the following season, Selwyn encountered his old associate in St. James's street. He endeavored to pass unnoticed, but in vain. "What! don't you recollect me?" exclaimed the _cuttee_. "I recollect you perfectly," replied Selwyn; "and when I next go to Bath, I shall be most happy to become acquainted _with you again_."

MCLXXII.--VERY SHOCKING, IF TRUE.

AT a dinner-party, one of the guests used his knife improperly in eating. At length a wag asked aloud: "Have you heard of poor L----'s sad affair? I met him at a party yesterday, when to our great horror, he suddenly took up the knife, and----" "Good heavens!" interposed one of the ladies; "and did he cut his throat?"--"Why no," answered the relator, "he did not cut his throat with his knife; but we all expected he would, for he actually _put it up to his mouth_."

MCLXXIII.--IMPOSSIBLE IN THE EVENING.

THEODORE HOOK, about to be proposed a member of the Phoenix Club, inquired when they met. "Every Saturday evening during the winter," was the answer. "Evening? O then," said he, "I shall never make a Phoenix, _for I can't rise from the fire_."

MCLXXIV.--A GOOD APPETITE.

A NOBLEMAN had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. "Frank," said he, one day, "tell me how many loins you could eat?" "Ah, my lord, as for loins, not many; five or six at most."--"And how many legs of mutton?"--"Ah, as for legs of mutton, not many; seven or eight, perhaps."--"And fatted pullets?"--"Ah, as for pullets, my lord, not many; not more than a dozen."--"And pigeons?"--"Ah, as for pigeons, not many; perhaps forty--fifty at most--according to appetite."--"And larks?"--"Ah, as for that, my lord--little larks--_for ever_, my lord--_for ever_!"

MCLXXV.--SHORT-SIGHTED.

DEAN COWPER, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind, remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than "that bottle."--"I do not wonder at it at all, sir," replied a minor canon, "for _we_ have seen no more than 'that bottle' all the afternoon."

MCLXXVI.--AN ADVANTAGEOUS TITHE.

A'BECKETT once said, "It seems that anything likely to have an _annual increase_ is liable to be tithed. Could not Lord S----, by virtue of this liability, contrive to get rid of a part of his stupidity?"

MCLXXVI I.--TRUTH _versus_ POLITENESS.

AT a tea-party, where some Cantabs were present, the lady who was presiding "Hoped the tea was good."--"Very good, indeed, madam," was the general reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Cantabs, who, between truth and politeness observed, "That the _tea_ was _excellent_, but the _water_ was _smoky_!"

MCLXXVIII.--A NEW VIEW.

SOME people have a notion that villany ought to be _exposed_, though we must confess we think it a thing that deserves a _hiding_.

MCLXXIX.--THE ONE-SPUR HORSEMAN.

A STUDENT riding being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said that if _one_ side of his horse went on, it was not likely that the _other_ would stay behind.

[This is, no doubt, the original of the well-known passage in Hudibras,--

"For Hudibras wore but one spur; As wisely knowing, could he stir To active trot one side of 's horse," &c.]

MCLXXX.--A PHILOSOPHICAL REASON.

A SCHOLAR was asked why a black hen laid a white egg. He answered, "_Unum contrarium expellit alterum_."

MCLXXXI.--A PLAY UPON WORDS.

A POACHER was carried before a magistrate upon a charge of killing game unlawfully in a nobleman's park, where he was caught in the fact. Being asked what he had to say in his defence, and what proof he could bring to support it, he replied, "May it please your worship, I know and confess that I was found in his lordship's park, as the witness has told you, but I can bring the whole parish to prove that, for the last thirty years, it has been my _manner_."

MCLXXXII.--JEMMY GORDON.

JEMMY GORDON, the well-known writer of many a _theme_ and _declamation_ for _varmint-men_, alias _non-reading_ Cantabs, having been complimented by an acquaintance on the result of one of his _themes_, to which the prize of a certain college was awarded, quaintly enough replied, "It is no great credit to be first in an _ass-race_."

MCLXXXIII.--SETTING UP AND SITTING DOWN.

SWIFT was one day in company with a young coxcomb, who, rising from his chair, said, with a conceited and confident air, "I would have you to know, Mr. Dean, I set up for a wit."--"Do you, indeed," replied the Dean; "Then take my advice, and _sit down again_."

MCLXXXIV.--A SETTLED POINT.

"A REFORMED Parliament," exclaimed a Conservative the other day, "will never do for this country."--"No! but an _unreformed_ would, and that quickly," replied a bystander.

MCLXXXV.--JOLLY COMPANIONS.

A MINISTER in Aberdeenshire, sacrificed so often and so freely to the jolly god, that the presbytery could no longer overlook his proceedings, and summoned him before them to answer for his conduct. One of his elders, and constant companion in his social hours, was cited as a witness against him. "Well, John, did you ever see the Rev. Mr. C---- the worse of drink?"--"Weel, a wat no; I've monyatime seen him the better o't, but I ne'er saw him the waur o't."--"But did you never see him drunk?"--"That's what I'll ne'er see; for before he be _half slockened_, I'm ay' _blind fu'_."

MCLXXXVI.--PAYING IN KIND.

A CERTAIN Quaker slept at a hotel in a certain town. He was supplied with two wax candles. He retired early, and, as he had burned but a small part of the candles, he took them with him into his bedroom. In the morning, finding he was charged 2s. in his bill for wax candles, instead of fees to the waiter and chambermaid, he _gave to each a wax candle_.

MCLXXXVII.--A FULL HOUSE.

"WHAT plan," said an actor to another, "shall I adopt to fill the house at my benefit?"--"_Invite your creditors_," was the surly reply.

MCLXXXVIII.--RATHER THE WORST HALF.

ON one occasion a lad, while at home for the holidays, complained to his mother that a schoolfellow who slept with him took up half the bed. "And why not?" said the mother; "he's entitled to half, isn't he!"--"Yes, mother," rejoined her son; "but how would you like to have him take out all the soft for his half? He will have _his_ half out of the middle, and I have to sleep _both_ sides of him!"

MCLXXXIX.--FORCE OF HABIT.

A SERVANT of an old maiden lady, a patient of Dr. Poole, formerly of Edinburgh, was under orders to go to the doctor every morning to report the state of her health, how she had slept, &c., with strict injunctions _always_ to add, "with her compliments." At length, one morning the girl brought this extraordinary message: "Miss S----'s _compliments_, and she de'ed last night at aicht o'clock!"

MCXC.--A WONDERFUL SIGHT.

A JOLLY Jack-tar having strayed into Atkins's show at Bartholomew Fair, to have a look at the wild beasts, was much struck with the sight of a lion and a tiger in the same den. "Why, Jack," said he to a messmate, who was chewing a quid in silent amazement, "I shouldn't wonder if next year they were to carry about a _sailor and a marine living peaceably together_!"--"Aye," said his married companion, "or a _man and wife_."

MCXCI.--BURKE AND FOX.

MR. BURKE, in speaking of the indisposition of Mr. Fox, which prevented his making a motion for an investigation into the conduct of Lord Sandwich, said, "No one laments Mr. Fox's illness more than I do; and I declare that if he should continue ill, the inquiry into the conduct of the first Lord of the Admiralty should not be proceeded upon; and, should the country suffer so serious a calamity as his death, it ought to be followed up earnestly and solemnly; nay, of so much consequence is the inquiry to the public, that no bad use would be made of the skin of my departed friend, (should such, alas! be his fate!) if, like that of John Zisca, it should be converted _into a drum_, and used for the purpose of sounding an alarm to the people of England."

MCXCII.--TRYING TO THE TEMPER.

LORD ALLEN, in conversation with Rogers, the poet, observed: "I never put my razor into hot water, as I find it injures the temper of the blade."--"No doubt of it," replied Rogers; "show me the blade that is _not out of temper_ when plunged into _hot water_."

MCXCIII.--HAVING A CALL.

MR. DUNLOP, while making his pastoral visitations among some of the country members of his flock, came to a farm-house where he was expected; and the mistress, thinking that he would be in need of refreshment, proposed that he should take his tea before engaging in _exercises_, and said she would soon have it ready. Mr. Dunlop replied, "I aye tak' my tea better when my wark's dune. I'll just be gaun on. Ye can hing the pan on, an' lea' the door ajar, an' I'll draw to a close in the prayer when I hear the _haam fizzin'_."

MCXCIV.--A WILL AND AWAY.

IT was a strange instance of alleged obedience to orders in the case of a father's will, which a brute of a fellow displayed in turning his younger brother out-of-doors. He was vociferously remonstrated with by the neighbors on the gross impropriety of such conduct. "Sure," said he, "it's the will; I'm ordered to _divide_ the house betune myself and my brother, so I've taken the _inside_ and given him the _outside_."

MCXCV.--A WINDY MINISTER.

IN one of our northern counties, a rural district had its harvest operations seriously affected by continuous rains. The crops being much laid, wind was desired in order to restore them to a condition fit for the sickle. A minister, in his Sabbath services, expressed their wants in prayer as follows:--"Send us wind, no a rantin', tantin', tearin' wind, but a noohin' (noughin?), soughin', winnin' wind." More expressive words than these could not be found in any language.

MCXCVI.--READY RECKONER.

THE Duke of Wellington, when Premier, was the terror of the idlers in Downing Street. On one occasion when the Treasury clerks told him that some required mode of making up the accounts was impracticable, they were met with the curt reply: "Never mind, if you can't do it, I'll send you half-a-dozen _pay sergeants_ that will,"--a hint that they did not fail to take.

MCXCVII.--A "DISTANT" FRIEND.

MEETING a negro on the road, a traveller said, "You have lost some of your friends, I see?"--"Yes, massa."--"Was it a near or a distant relative?"--"Well, purty distant,--_'bout twenty-four mile_," was the reply.

MCXCVIII.--TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT.

"HO! Tommy," bawls Type, to a brother in trade, "The ministry are to be _changed_, it is said." "That's good," replied Tom, "but it better would be With a trifling erratum."--"What?"--"Dele the _c_."

MCXCIX.--A NAMELESS MAN.

A GENTLEMAN, thinking he was charged too much by a porter for the delivery of a parcel, asked him what his name was. "My name," replied the man, "is the same as my father's."--"And what is his name?" said the gentleman. "It is the same as mine."--"Then what are both your names?"--"Why, they _are both alike_," answered the man again, and very deliberately walked off.

MCC.--AN INSURMOUNTABLE DIFFICULTY.

BOOTH, the tragedian, had a broken nose. A lady once remarked to him, "I like your acting, Mr. Booth; but, to be frank with you,--_I can't get over your nose_!"--"No wonder, madam," replied he, "the bridge is gone!"

MCCI.--NON COMPOS.

IT is remarkable that ---- is of an exceedingly cheerful disposition, though the _very little piece_ of mind he possesses is proverbial.

MCCII.--TOO LIBERAL.

A WRITER in one of the Reviews was boasting that he was in the habit of distributing literary reputation. "Yes," replied his friend, "and you have done it so profusely that you have _left none_ for yourself."

MCCIII.--A LITTLE RAIN.

HOW monarchs die is easily explained, For thus upon their tombs it might be chiselled; As long as George the Fourth could reign, he reigned, And then he _mizzled_!

MCCIV.--TRUE DIGNITY.

P---- had a high respect for the literary character. At a great man's house a stranger stopped that P---- might enter the room before him. "Pass, sir," said the master of the house, "it is only Mr. P----, the author."--"As my rank is mentioned," cried P., "I shall claim the preference"; and accordingly took the lead.

MCCV.--HOW TO GET RID OF AN ENEMY.

DR. MEAD, calling one day on a gentleman who had been severely afflicted with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and the patient rejoicing on his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Ah!" said the doctor, shaking his head, "this Madeira will never do; it is the cause of all your suffering."--"Well, then," rejoined the gay incurable, "fill your glass, for now we have found out _the cause_, the sooner _we get rid of it_ the better."

MCCVI.--SEVERE.

A LADY asked a sailor whom she met, why a ship was called "_she_." The son of Neptune replied that it was "because the _rigging_ cost more than the hull."

MCCVII.--NO SACRIFICE.

A LINEN-DRAPER having advertised his stock to be sold under _prime cost_, a neighbor observed that, "It was impossible, as he had never _paid a farthing for it himself_."

MCCVIII.--SHARP BOY.

A MOTHER admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him he should never _defer_ till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The little urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the plum-pudding _to-night_."

MCCIX.--EARLY BIRDS OF PREY.

A MERCHANT having been attacked by some thieves at five in the afternoon, said: "Gentlemen, you _open shop early_ to-day."

MCCX.--JUDGMENT.

JAMES THE SECOND, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton the poet, and asked him, amongst other things, if he did not think the loss of his sight a _judgment_ upon him for what he had written against his father, Charles the First. Milton answered, "If your Highness think my loss of sight a _judgment_ upon me, what do you think of your father's losing his head?"

MCCXI.--ON A LADY WHO WAS PAINTED.

IT sounds like paradox,--and yet 'tis true, You're like your picture, though it's not like you.

MCCXII.--RATHER A-CURATE.

IT is strange that the Church dignitaries, the further they advance in their profession, become the more incorrigible; at least, before they have gone many steps, they may be said to be _past a_ CURE.

MCCXIII.--MONEY'S WORTH.

A RICH upstart once asked a poor person if he had any idea of the advantages arising from riches. "I believe they give a rogue _an advantage_ over an honest man," was the reply.

MCCXIV.--THE RICHMOND HOAX.

ONE of the best practical jokes in Theodore Hook's clever "Gilbert Gurney," is Daly's hoax upon the lady who had never been at Richmond before, or, at least, knew none of the peculiarities of the place. Daly desired the waiter, after dinner, to bring some "maids of honor"--those cheesecakes for which the place has, time out of mind, been celebrated. The lady stared, then laughed, and asked, "What do you mean by 'maids of honor?'"--"Dear me!" said Daly, "don't you know that this is so courtly a place, and so completely under the influence of state etiquette, that everything in Richmond is called after the functionaries of the palace? What are called cheesecakes elsewhere, are here called maids of honor; a capon is called a lord chamberlain; a goose is a lord steward; a roast pig is a master of the horse; a pair of ducks, grooms of the bedchamber; a gooseberry-tart, a gentleman usher of the black rod; and so on." The unsophisticated lady was taken in, when she actually saw the maids of honor make their appearance in the shape of cheesecakes; she convulsed the whole party by turning to the waiter, and desiring him, in a sweet but decided tone, to bring her a _gentleman usher of the black rod_, if they had one in the house quite cold!

MCCX.V.--LORD CHATHAM.

LORD CHATHAM had settled a plan for some sea expedition he had in view, and sent orders to Lord Anson to see the necessary arrangements taken immediately. Mr. Cleveland was sent from the Admiralty to remonstrate on the impossibility of obeying them. He found his lordship in the most excruciating pain, from one of the most severe fits of the gout he had ever experienced. "Impossible, sir," said he, "don't talk to me of impossibilities": and then, raising himself upon his legs, while the sweat stood in large drops upon his forehead, and every fibre of his body was convulsed with agony, "Go, sir, and tell his lordship, that he has to do with a minister who actually _treads_ on impossibilities."

MCCXVI.--"I CAN GET THROUGH."

IN the cloisters of Trinity College, beneath the library, are grated windows, through which many of the students have occasionally, after the gates were locked, taken the liberty of passing, without an _exeat_, in rather a novel style. A certain Cantab was in the act of drawing himself through the bars, and being more than an ordinary mortal's bulk, he stuck fast. One of the fellows of the college passing, stepped up to the student and asked him ironically, "If he should assist him?"--"Thank you," was the reply, "_I can get through_!" at the same instant he drew himself back on the outside.

MCCXVII.--MAKING FREE.

FORMERLY, members of parliament had the privilege of franking letters sent by post. When this was so, a sender on one occasion applied to the post-office to know why some of his franked letters had been _charged_. He was told that the name on the letter did not appear to be in his handwriting. "It was not," he replied, "_precisely_ the same; but the truth is, I happened to be a _little tipsy_ when I franked them."--"Then, sir, will you be so good in future as to write _drunk_ when you make _free_?"

MCCXVIII.--FICTION AND TRUTH.

WALLER, the poet, who was bred at King's College, wrote a fine panegyric on Cromwell, when he assumed the protectorship. Upon the restoration of Charles, Waller wrote another in praise of him, and presented it to the king in person. After his majesty had read the poem, he told Waller that he wrote a better on Cromwell. "Please your majesty," said Waller, like a true courtier, "we poets are always more happy in _fiction_ than in _truth_."

MCCXIX.--A TAVERN DINNER.

A PARTY of _bon-vivants_, having drunk an immense quantity of wine, rang for the bill. The bill was accordingly brought, but the amount appeared so enormous to one of the company (not quite so far gone as the rest) that he stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could have been drunk by seven persons. "True, sir," said the waiter, "but your honor forgets the three gentlemen _under the table_."

MCCXX.--A FULL STOP.

A GENTLEMAN was speaking of the kindness of his friends in visiting him. One old aunt, in particular, visited him _twice_ a year, and stayed _six months_ each time.

MCCXXI.--FAT AND LEAN.

A MAN, praising porter, said it was so excellent a beverage, that, though taken in great quantities, it always made him fat. "I have seen the time," said another, "when it made you lean,"--"When? I should be glad to know," inquired the eulogist. "Why, no longer ago than last night,--_against a wall_."

MCCXXII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.

JOSEPH II., emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without his retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late at the house of an Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. After eating a few slices of ham and biscuit, the emperor and his attendant retired to rest, and in the morning paid their bill, which amounted to only three shillings and sixpence, English, and rode off. A few hours afterwards, several of his suite arrived, and the publican, understanding the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy. "Psha! psha! man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is accustomed to such adventures, and will think no more of it."--"But I _shall_" replied the landlord; "and never forgive myself for having had an emperor in my house, and letting him off for _three and sixpence_."

MCCXXIII.--NICKNAMES.

JOHN MAGEE, formerly the printer of the _Dublin Evening Post_, was full of shrewdness and eccentricity. Several prosecutions were instituted against him by the government, and many "keen encounters of the tongue" took place on these occasions between him and John Scott, Lord Clonmel, who was at that period Chief Justice of the King's Bench. In addressing the Court in his own defence, Magee had occasion to allude to some public character, who was better known by a familiar designation. The official gravity of Clonmel was disturbed; and he, with bilious asperity, reproved the printer, by saying, "Mr. Magee, we allow no nicknames in this court,"---"Very well, _John Scott_," was the reply.

MCCXXIV.--A CALCULATION.

AFTER the death of the poet Chatterton, there was found among his papers, indorsed on a letter intended for publication, addressed to Beckford, then Lord Mayor, dated May 26, 1770, the following memorandum: "Accepted by Bingley, set for, and thrown out of, the _North Briton_, 21st June, on account of the Lord Mayor's death:--

Lost by his death on this essay £ 1 11 6 Gained in elegies 2 2 0 Gained in essays 3 3 0 Am glad he is dead by 3 13 6."

Yet the evident heartlessness of this calculation has been ingeniously vindicated by Southey, in the _Quarterly Review_.

MCCXXV.--ON THE PRICE OF ADMISSION TO SEE THE MAMMOTH HORSE.

I WOULD not pay a coin to see An animal much larger; Surely the mammoth horse must be Rather an _overcharger_.

MCCXXVI.--NOTHING BUT HEBREW.

A CANTAB chanced to enter a strange church, and after he had been seated some little time, another person was ushered into the same pew with him. The stranger pulled out of his pocket a prayer-book, and offered to share it with the Cantab, though he perceived he had one in his hand. This courtesy proceeded from a mere ostentatious display of his learning, as it proved to be in _Latin_. The Cantab immediately declined the offer by saying, "Sir, I read nothing but _Hebrew_!"

MCCXXVII.--A GOOD RECOMMENDATION.

WHEN Captain Grose, who was very fat, first went over to Ireland, he one evening strolled into the principal meat market of Dublin, where the butchers, as usual, set up their usual cry of "What d'ye buy? What d'ye buy?" Grose parried this for some time by saying he did not want anything. At last, a butcher starts from his stall, and eyeing Grose's figure, exclaimed, "Only _say_ you buy your meat of me, sir, and you will make my fortune."

MCCXXVIII.--QUID PRO QUO.

AN Irish lawyer, famed for cross-examining, was, on one occasion, completely silenced by a horse-dealer. "Pray, Mr. ----, you belong to a very honest profession?"--"I can't say so," replied the witness; "for, saving you _lawyers_, I think it the _most dishonest going_."

MCCXXIX.--SERVANTS.

IT was an observation of Elwes, the noted miser, that if you keep _one_ servant your work will be done; if you keep _two_, it will be half done; and if you keep _three_, you will have to do it yourself.

MCCXXX.--PLAIN ENOUGH.

A GENTLEMAN, praising the personal charms of a very plain woman in the presence of Foote, the latter said: "And why don't you lay claim to such an accomplished beauty?"--"What right have I to her?" exclaimed the gentleman. "Every right, by the law of nations," replied Foote; "every right, as the _first discoverer_."

MCCXXXI.--A POSER.

AT Plymouth there is, or was, a small green opposite the Government House, over which no one was permitted to pass. Not a creature was allowed to approach, save the General's cow. One day old Lady D----, having called at the General's, in order to make a short cut, bent her steps across the lawn, when she was arrested by the sentry calling out, and desiring her to return. "But," said lady D----, with a stately air, "do you know who I am?"--"I don't know who you be, ma'am," replied the immovable sentry, "but I knows you b'aint--you b'aint the _General's cow_." So Lady D---- wisely gave up the argument, and went the other way.

MCCXXXII.--TRUE CRITICISM.

A GENTLEMAN being prevailed upon to taste a lady's home-made wine, was asked for an opinion of what he had tasted. "I always give a candid one," said her guest, "where eating and drinking are concerned. _It is admirable stuff to catch flies_."

MCCXXXIII.--ORIGIN OF THE TERM GROG.

THE British sailors had always been accustomed to drink their allowance of brandy or rum clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those under his command to mix it with water. The innovation gave great offence to the sailors, and for a time rendered the commander very unpopular among them. The admiral at that time wore a grogram coat, for which reason they nicknamed him "Old Grog," &c. Hence, by degrees, the mixed liquor he constrained them to drink universally obtained among them the name of _grog_.

MCCXXXIV.--WELL SAID.

A GENTLEMAN, speaking of the happiness of the married state before his daughter, disparagingly said, "She who marries, does well; but she who does not marry, does better."--"Well then," said the young lady, "I will _do well_; let those who choose _do better_."

MCCXXXV.--SLEEPING AT CHURCH.

DR. SOUTH, when once preaching before Charles II., observed that the monarch and his attendants began to nod, and some of them soon after snored, on which he broke off in his sermon, and said: "Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will _awake the king_!"

MCCXXXVI.--SHERIDAN CONVIVIAL.

LORD BYRON notes: "What a wreck is Sheridan! and all from bad pilotage; for no one had ever better gales, though now and then a little squally. Poor dear Sherry! I shall never forget the day he, and Rogers, and Moore, and I passed together, when _he_ talked and we listened, without one yawn, from six to one in the morning."

One night, Sheridan was found in the street by a watchman, bereft of that "divine particle of air" called reason, and fuddled, and bewildered, and almost insensible. The watchman asked, "Who are you, sir?" No answer. "What's your name?" A hiccup. "What's your name?" Answer, in a slow, deliberate, and impassive tone, "Wilberforce!" Byron notes: "Is not that Sherry all over?--and, to my mind, excellent. Poor fellow! _his_ very dregs are better than the first sprightly runnings of others."

MCCXXXVII.--THE WORST OF TWO EVILS.

VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, in King Charles II.'s time, was saying one day to Sir Robert Viner, in a melancholy humor: "I am afraid, Sir Robert, I shall die a beggar at last, which is the most terrible thing in the world."--"Upon my word, my lord," said Sir Robert, "there is another thing more terrible which you have to apprehend, and that is that you will _live_ a beggar, at the rate you go on."

MCCXXXVIII.--QUID PRO QUO.

A WORTHY Roman Catholic clergyman, well known as "Priest Matheson," and universally respected in the district, had charge of a mission in Aberdeenshire, and for a long time made his journeys on a piebald pony, the priest and his "Pyet Shelty" sharing an affectionate recognition wherever they came. On one occasion, however, he made his appearance on a steed of a different description, and passing near a Seceding meeting-house, he forgathered with the minister, who, after the usual kindly greetings, missing the familiar pony, said, "Ou, priest! fat's come o' the auld Pyet?"--"He's deid, minister."--"Weel, he was an auld faithfu' servant, and ye wad nae doot gie him the offices o' the Church?"--"Na, minister," said his friend, not quite liking this allusion to his priestly offices, "I didna dee that, for ye see he _turned Seceder afore he deed, an' I buried him like a beast_." He then rode quietly away.

MCCXXXIX.--CREDIT.

AMONG the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's description of a man who "muddled away his fortune in paying his tradesmen's bills"; Lord Orford's definition of timber, "an excrescence on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of debts"; and Pelham's argument, that it is _respectable to be arrested_, because it shows that the party once had credit.

MCCXL.--SEEING NOT BELIEVING.

A LADY'S-MAID told her mistress that she once swallowed several pins together. "Dear me!" said the lady, "didn't they _kill you_?"

MCCXLI.--SPIRIT OF A GAMBLER.

A BON-VIVANT, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine, after having been told that he could not in all human probability survive many hours, and would die by eight o clock next morning, exerted the small remains of his strength to call the doctor back, and said, with the true spirit of a gambler, "doctor, I'll bet you a bottle I _live till nine_!"

MCCXLII.--BURKE'S TEDIOUSNESS.

THOUGH upon great occasions Burke was one of the most eloquent of men that ever sat in the British senate, he had in ordinary matters as much as any man the faculty of tiring his auditors. During the latter years of his life the failing gained so much upon him, that he more than once dispersed the house, a circumstance which procured him the nickname of the Dinner-bell. A gentleman was one day going into the House, when he was surprised to meet a great number of people coming out in a body. "Is the House up?" said he: "No," answered one of the fugitives, "but Mr. Burke _is up_."

MCCXLIII.--VERY LIKE EACH OTHER.

IT appears that there were two persons of the name of Dr. John Thomas, not easily to be distinguished; for somebody (says Bishop Newton) was speaking of Dr. Thomas, when it was asked, "which Dr. Thomas do you mean?"--"Dr. John Thomas."--"They are both named John."--"Dr. Thomas who has a living in the city."--"They have both livings in the city."--"Dr. Thomas who is chaplain to the king."--"They are both chaplains to the king."--"Dr. Thomas who is a very good preacher."--"They are both good preachers."--"Dr. Thomas who squints."--"They both squint." They were afterwards both Bishops.

MCCXLIV.--FORTUNATE STARS.

"MY stars!" cried a courtier, with stars and lace twirled, "What homage we nobles command in the world!" "True, my lord," said a wag, "though the world has its jars, _Some people_ owe much to their _fortunate stars_!"

MCCXLV.--A NEW READING.

TOWARDS the close of the administration of Sir Robert Walpole, he was talking very freely to some of his friends of the vanity and vexations of office, and, alluding to his intended retirement, quoted from Horace the following passage:--

"Lusisti satis, edisti satis, atque bibisti: Tempus abire tibi est."

"Pray, Sir Robert," said one of his friends, "is that good Latin?"--"I think so," answered Sir. Robert; "what objection have you to it?"--"Why," said the other dryly, "I did not know but the word might be _bribe-isti_ in your Horace."

MCCXLVI.--QUITE AT EASE.

FOOTE, the actor, was one day taken into White's Club-House by a friend who wanted to write a note. Lord Carmarthen approached to speak to him; but feeling rather shy, he merely said, "Mr. Foote, your handkerchief is hanging out of your pocket." Foote, looking suspiciously round, and hurriedly thrusting the handkerchief back into his pocket, replied, "Thank you, my lord: you know _the company_ better than I do."

MCCXLVII.--CHARLES, DUKE OF NORFOLK.

IN cleanliness, the Duke was negligent to so great a degree, that he rarely made use of water for purposes of bodily refreshment and comfort. Nor did he change his linen more frequently than he washed himself. Complaining, one day, to Dudley North, that he was a martyr to rheumatism, and had ineffectually tried every remedy for its relief, "Pray, my lord," said he, "did you ever _try a clean shirt_?"

MCCXLVIII.--CLEARING EMIGRANTS.

AN Irish gentleman, resident in Canada, was desirous to persuade his sons to work as backwoodsmen, instead of drinking champagne at something more than a dollar a bottle. Whenever this old gentleman saw his sons so engaged he used to exclaim, "Ah, my boys! there goes an acre of land, _trees and all_."

MCCXLIX.--PARLIAMENTARY CASE.

BISHOP ANDREWS, who was master and a great benefactor of Pembroke Hall, was one day at court with Waller the poet, and others. While King James was at dinner, attended by Andrews, Bishop of Winchester, and Neale, Bishop of Durham, his Majesty said to the prelates: "My lords, cannot I take my subjects' _money_ when I want it, without all this formality in Parliament?" Bishop Neale quickly replied, "God forbid, sir, but you should: you are the breath of our nostrils." On which the king said to the Bishop of Winchester, "Well, my lord, and what say you?"--"Sir," replied Andrews, "I have no skill to judge of Parliamentary cases."--"Come, come," answered his Majesty, "no put-offs, my lord; answer me presently."--"Then, sir," said Andrews, "I think it lawful for you to take my _brother Neale's money_, for he offers it."

MCCL.--OUTLINE OF AN AMBASSADOR.

WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townsend, being asked whether the French government had sent the _preliminaries_ of a treaty, answered, "he did not know, but they had sent _the outline of an ambassador_."

MCCLI.--NATURE AND ART.

A WORTHY English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His eye caught up the names of its--to him--unknown dishes: "Soupe à la flamande"--"Soupe à la Creci"--"Langue de Boeuf piquée"--"Pieds de Cochon à la Ste. Ménéhould"--"Patés de sanglier"--"Patés à la gelée de volailles"--"Les cannelons de crème glacée." It was too much for his simple heart. Laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, he cried to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to _first principles_! Give us some beans and bacon!"

MCCLII.--A COMPARISON.

IT is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles,--the less they have in them, the _more noise_ they make in pouring it out.

MCCLIII.--THE SNUFF-BOX.

AT a party in Portman Square, Brummell's snuff-box was particularly admired: it was handed round, and a gentleman, finding it rather difficult to open, incautiously applied a dessert-knife to the lid. Poor Brummell was on thorns; at last he could not contain himself any longer, and, addressing the host, said, with his characteristic quaintness, "Will you be good enough to tell your friend that my snuff-box is _not an oyster_."

MCCLIV.--NOT SICK ENOUGH FOR THAT.

LORD PLUNKET is said to have acutely felt his forced resignation of the Irish Chancellorship, and his _supersedeas_ by Lord Campbell. A violent tempest arose on the day of the latter's expected arrival, and a friend remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion the passage must have made the new comer; "Yes," replied the ex-chancellor, ruefully, "but it won't make him _throw up the seals_."

MCCLV.--A SEASONABLE JOKE.

ADMIRAL DUNCAN'S address to the officers who came on board his ship for instructions previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was both laconic and humorous: "Gentlemen, you see a severe _winter_ approaching; I have only to advise you to keep up a _good fire_."

MCCLVI.--GETTING A LIVING.

THE late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch; at the same time a young curate, calling out "Lie still, your Grace"; leaped over him, and pursued his sport. On being assisted to remount by his attendants, the duke said, "That young man shall have the first good living that falls to my disposal; had he _stopped_ to have taken care of me, I never would have patronized him," being delighted with an ardor similar to his own, or with a spirit that would _not stoop to flatter_.

MCCLVII.--GOOD EYES.

A MAN of wit being asked what pleasure he could have in the company of a pretty woman who was a loquacious simpleton, replied, "I love to _see_ her talk."

MCCLVIII.--INDIFFERENCE TO LIFE.

A SOLDIER, who was being led to the gallows, saw a crowd of people running on before. "Don't be in such a hurry," said he to them. "I can assure you nothing will be done _without me_."

MCCLIX.--A LAST RESOURCE.

VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint to Sir John Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what he should do to avoid the ruin. "Live as I do, my lord," said Sir John. "That I can do," answered the duke, "when _I am ruined_."

MCCLX.--A DULL MAN.

LORD BYRON knew a dull man who lived on a _bon mot_ of Moore's for a week; and his lordship once offered a wager of a considerable sum that the reciter was _guiltless_ of understanding its point; but he could get no one to accept the bet.

MCCLXI.--WHITE TEETH.

PROFESSOR SAUNDERSON, who occupied so distinguished a situation in the University of Cambridge as that of Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, was _quite blind_. Happening to make one in a large party, he remarked of a lady, who had just left the room, that she had very _white teeth_. The company were anxious to learn how he had discovered this, which was very true. "I have reason," observed the professor, "to believe that the lady is not a _fool_, and I can think of no other motive for her laughing incessantly, as she did for a whole hour together."

MCCLXII.--A PLEASANT PARTNER.

A FARMER having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor who neglected to make use of it, plentifully stored his own part with corn, and expostulated with his partner on having laid out his money in so useless a way, adding, "You had better do _something_ with it, as you see I have done."--"As to that, neighbor," replied the other, "every man has a right to do what he will with his own, and _you_ have done so; but I have made up my mind about my part of the property,--I shall set it on fire."

MCCLXIII.--TWO CARRIAGES.

TWO ladies disputed for precedency, one the daughter of a wealthy brewer, the other the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune. "You are to consider, miss," said the brewer's daughter, "that my papa keeps a coach."--"Very true, miss," said the other, "and _you_ are to consider that he likewise keeps a _dray_."

MCCLXIV.--EXCUSABLE FEAR.

A HUSBAND, who only opposed his wife's ill humor by silence, was told by a friend that he "was afraid of his wife."--"It is not _she_ I am afraid of," replied the husband, "it is _the noise_."

MCCLXV.--COLERIDGE AND THELWALL.

THELWALL and Coleridge were sitting once in a beautiful recess in the Quantock Hills, when the latter said, "Citizen John, this is a fine place to _talk_ treason in!"--"Nay, Citizen Samuel," replied he; "It is rather a place to make a man _forget_ that there is any necessity for treason!"

MCCLXVI.--A FLASH OF WIT.

SYDNEY SMITH, after Macaulay's return from the East, remarked to a friend who had been speaking of the distinguished conversationalist: "Yes, he is certainly more agreeable since his return from India. His enemies might perhaps have said before (though I never did so) that he talked rather too much; but now he has _occasional flashes of silence, that make his conversation perfectly delightful_!"

MCCLXVII.--LOST AND FOUND.

THE ferryman, whilst plying over a water which was only slightly agitated, was asked by a timid lady in his boat, whether any persons were ever lost in that river. "O no," said he, "we always _finds 'em agin_ the next day."

MCCLXVIII.--A MILITARY AXIOM.

AN old soldier having been brought up to vote at an election at the expense of one of the candidates, voted for his opponent, and when reproached for his conduct, replied, "Always _quarter_ upon the enemy, my lads; always _quarter_ upon the enemy."

MCCLXIX.--A FORCIBLE ARGUMENT.

THAT erudite Cantab, Bishop Burnett, preaching before Charles II., being much warmed with his subject, uttered some religious truth with great vehemence, and at the same time, striking his fist on the desk with great violence, cried out, "Who dare deny this?"--"Faith," said the king, in a tone more _piano_ than that of the orator, "nobody that is within the reach of _that fist of yours_."

MCCLXX.--NOT TO BE DONE BROWN.

DR. THOMAS BROWN courted a lady for many years, but unsuccessfully, during which time it had been his custom to drink the lady's health before that of any other; but being observed one evening to omit it, a gentleman reminded him of it, and said, "Come, doctor, drink the lady, your toast." The doctor replied, "I have toasted her many years, and I cannot make her _Brown_, so I'll toast her no longer."

MCCLXXI.--AN ODD NOTION.

A LADY the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?"--"Please, ma'am, I don't _live nowhere_ now," rejoined the girl; "_I am married_!"

MCCLXXII.--A SURE TAKE.

AN old sportsman, who, at the age of eighty-three, was met by a friend riding very fast, and was asked what he was in pursuit of? "Why, sir," replied the other, "I am riding _after my eighty-fourth year_."

MCCLXXIII.--MR. TIERNEY'S HUMOR.

MR. TIERNEY, when alluding to the difficulty the Foxites and Pittites had in passing over to join each other in attacking the Addington Ministry (forgetting at the moment how easily he had himself overcome a like difficulty in joining that Ministry), alluded to the puzzle of the Fox and the Goose, and did not clearly expound his idea. Whereupon, Mr. Dudley North said, "It's himself he means,--who left the _Fox_ to go over to the _Goose_, and put the bag of oats in his pocket."

MCCLXXIV.--DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.

"IF I were so unlucky," said an officer, "as to have a stupid son, I would certainly by all means make him a _parson_." A clergyman who was in company calmly replied, "You think differently, sir, from _your father_."

MCCLXXV.--ORTHOGRAPHY.

THE laird of M'N----b was writing a letter from an Edinburgh coffee-house, when a friend observed that he was setting at defiance the laws of orthography and grammar. "I ken that weel eno'!" exclaimed the Highland chieftain, "but how can a man _write grammar_ with a pen like this?"

MCCLXXVI.--A SHORT JOURNEY.

"ZOUNDS, fellow!" exclaimed a choleric old gentleman to a very phlegmatic matter-of-fact person, "I shall go out of my wits."--"Well, you won't have _far to go_," said the phlegmatic man.

MCCLXXVII.--LORD HOWE.

ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger, and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be afraid, the fire is extinguished."--"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir, when he is afraid? I need not ask how _he looks_."

MCCLXXVIII.--RATHER ETHEREAL.

DR. JOHN WILKINS wrote a work in the reign of Charles II., to show the possibility of making a voyage to the moon. The Duchess of Newcastle, who was likewise notorious for her vagrant speculations, said to him, "Doctor, where am I to bait at in the _upward_ journey?"--"My lady," replied the doctor, "of all the people in the world, I never expected that question from you; who have built so many _castles in the air_ that you might lie every night at one of _your own_."

MCCLXXIX.--HENRY VIII.

THIS monarch, after the death of Jane Seymour, had some difficulty to get another wife. His first offer was to the Duchess Dowager of Milan; but her answer was, "She had but _one_ head; if she had _two_, one should have been at his service."

MCCLXXX.--MELODRAMATIC HIT.

BURKE'S was a complete failure, when he flung the dagger on the floor of the House of Commons, and produced nothing but a smothered laugh, and a joke from Sheridan.--"The gentleman has brought us the _knife_, but where is the _fork_?"

MCCLXXXI.--A LONG ILLNESS.

A CLERGYMAN in the country taking his text from the fourteenth verse of the third chapter of St. Matthew: "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," preached three Sundays on the same subject. Soon after, two country fellows going across a churchyard, and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other who it was for? "I can't exactly tell," replied he; "but it may be for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a fever _these three weeks_."

MCCLXXXII.--DIALOGUE IN THE WESTERN ISLANDS OF SCOTLAND.

"HOW long is this loch?"

"It will be about twanty mile."

"Twenty miles! surely it cannot be so much?"

"Maybe it will be twelve."

"It does not really seem more than four."

"Indeed, I'm thinking you're right."

"Really, you seem to know nothing about the matter."

"Troth, I _canna say I do_."

MCCLXXXIII.--WHAT'S IN A NAME?

SOON after Lord ----'s elevation to the peerage, he remarked that authors were often very ridiculous in the _titles_ they gave. "That," said a distinguished writer present, "is an error from which even sovereigns appear _not to be exempt_."

MCCLXXXIV.--TILLOTSON.

WHO was then Archbishop of Canterbury, on King William's complaining of the shortness of his sermon, answered, "Sire, could I have bestowed more time upon it, it would not have been _so long_!"

MCCLXXXV.--IMPORTANT TO BACHELORS.

SOME clever fellow has invented a new kind of ink, called "the love-letter ink." It is a sure preventive against all cases of "breach of promise," as the ink _fades away_, and leaves the sheet blank, in about four weeks after being written upon.

MCCLXXXVI.--CHIN-SURVEYING.

A PERSON not far from Torrington, Devon, whose face is somewhat above the ordinary dimensions, has been waited on and shaved by a certain barber every day for twenty-one years, without coming to any regular settlement; the tradesman, thinking it time to wind up the account, carried in his bill, charging one penny per day, which amounted to 31l. 9s. 2d. The gentleman, thinking this rather exorbitant, made some scruple about payment, when the tonsor proposed, if his customer thought proper, to charge by the acre, at the rate of 200l. This was readily agreed to, and on measuring the premises, 192 square inches proved to be the contents, which, traversed over 7670 times, would measure 1,472,640 inches, the charge for which would be 46l. 19s. 1d.--being 15l. 9s. 11d. in favor of _chin-surveying_.

MCCLXXXVII.--CHANGING HATS.

BARRY the painter was with Nollekens at Rome in 1760, and they were extremely intimate. Barry took the liberty one night, when they were about to leave the English coffee-house, to exchange hats with him. Barry's was edged with lace, and Nollekens's was a very shabby, plain one. Upon his returning the hat the next morning, he was asked by Nollekens why he left him his gold-laced hat. "Why, to tell you the truth, my dear Joey," answered Barry, "I fully expected assassination last night; and I was to have been known by _my laced hat_." Nollekens used to relate the story, adding, "It's what the Old-Bailey people would call a true bill against Jem."

MCCLXXXVIII.--POWDER WITHOUT BALL.

DR. GOODALL, of Eton, about the same time that he was made Provost of Eton, received also a Stall at Windsor. A young lady, whilst congratulating him on his elevation, and requesting him to give a ball during the vacation, happened to touch his wig with her fan, and caused the powder to fly about; upon which the doctor exclaimed, "My dear, you see you can get the powder out of the _cannon_, but not the _ball_."

MCCLXXXIX.--POPE'S LAST ILLNESS.

DURING Pope's last illness, a squabble happened in his chamber, between his two physicians, Dr. Burton and Dr. Thomson, they mutually charging each other with hastening the death of the patient by improper prescriptions. Pope at length silenced them by saying, "Gentlemen, I only learn by your discourse that I am in a dangerous way; therefore, all I now ask is, that the following epigram may be added after my death to the next edition of the Dunciad, by way of postscript:--

'Dunces rejoice, forgive all censures past, The _greatest dunce_ has killed your foe at last.'"

MCCXC.--OPPOSITE TEMPERS.

GENERAL SUTTON was very passionate, and calling one morning on Sir Robert Walpole, who was quite the reverse, found his servant shaving him. During the conversation, Sir Robert said, "John, you cut me"; and continued the former subject of discourse. Presently he said again, "John, you cut me"; but as mildly as before: and soon after he had occasion to say it a third time; when Sutton, starting up in a rage, said, swearing a great oath, and doubling his fist at the servant, "If Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot; and if you cut him once more, John, _I'll knock you down_."

MCCXCI.--A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION.

A WOMAN having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her, proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The bystanders asked him if he was mad,--she could not have gone against the stream. The man answered, "She was _obstinate_ and _contrary_ in her life, and no doubt she was the _same at her death_."

MCCXCII.--A QUEER EXPRESSION.

A POOR but clever student in the University of Glasgow was met by one of the Professors, who noticing the scantiness of his academical toga, said, "Mr. ----, your gown is very short."--"It will be long enough, sir, before I get another," replied the student. The answer tickled the Professor greatly, and he went on quietly chuckling to himself, when he met a brother Professor, who, noticing his hilarity, inquired what was amusing him so much. "Why, that fellow ---- said such a funny thing. I asked why his gown was so short, and he said, 'it will be a long time before I get another.'"--"There's nothing very funny in that."--"Well, no," replied the other, "there is not, after all. But _it was the way he said it_."

MCCXCIII.--AN IRISHMAN'S NOTION OF DISCOUNT.

IT chanced, one gloomy day in the month of December, that a good-humored Irishman applied to a merchant to discount a bill of exchange for him at rather a long though not an unusual date; and the merchant having casually remarked that the bill had a great many days to run, "That's true," replied the Irishman, "but consider how _short the days are_ at this time of the year."

MCCXCIV.--A PARTICIPATION IN A PRACTICAL JOKE.

SOME unlucky lads in the University bearing a spite to the dean for his severity towards them, went secretly one night and daubed the rails of his staircase with tar. The dean coming down in the dark, dirtied his hands and coat very much with the tar; and, being greatly enraged, he sent for one most suspected to be the author. This the lad utterly denied; but said, "Truly, I did it not; but if you please, I can tell you who had _a hand in it_." Here they thought to have found out the truth, and asked him who. The lad answered, "_Your worship, sir_"; which caused him to be dismissed with great applause for his ingenuity.

MCCXCV.--INGRATITUDE.

WHEN Lord B---- died, a person met an old man who was one of his most intimate friends. He was pale, confused, awe-stricken. Every one was trying to console him, but in vain. "His loss," he exclaimed, "does not affect me so much as his horrible ingratitude. Would you believe it? he died without leaving me anything in his will,--I, who have _dined with him, at his own house, three times a week for thirty years_!"

MCCXCVI.--A PREFIX.

WHEN Lord Melcombe's name was plain Bubb, he was intended by the administration to be sent ambassador to Spain. Lord Chesterfield met him, and told him he was not a fit person to be representative of the crown of England at the Spanish court, on account of the shortness of his name, as the Spaniards pride themselves on the length of their titles, "unless," added his lordship, "you don't mind calling yourself _Silly-Bubb_!"

MCCXCVII.--A GOOD MIXTURE.

AN eminent painter was once asked what he mixed his colors with in order to produce so extraordinary an effect. "I mix them with _brains_, sir!" was his answer.

MCCXCVIII.--SIR WALTER SCOTT'S PARRITCH-PAN.

IN the museum at Abbotsford there is a small Roman _patera_, or goblet, in showing which Sir Walter Scott tells the following story: "I purchased this" (says he) "at a nobleman's roup near by, at the enormous sum of twenty-five guineas. I would have got it for twenty-pence if an antiquary who knew its value had not been there and opposed me. However, I was almost consoled for the bitter price it cost by the amusement I derived from an old woman, who had evidently come from a distance to purchase some trifling culinary articles, and who had no taste for the antique. At every successive guinea which we bade for the _patera_ this good old lady's mouth grew wider and wider with unsophisticated astonishment, until at last I heard her mutter to herself, in a tone which I shall never forget,--'Five-an-twenty guineas! _If the parritch-pan gangs at that, what will the kail-pan gang for_!'"

MCCXCIX.--HORNE TOOKE AND WILKES.

HORNE TOOKE having challenged Wilkes, who was then Sheriff of London and Middlesex, received the following laconic reply: "Sir, I do not think it my business to cut the throat of every desperado that may be tired of his life; but, as I am at present High Sheriff of the city of London, it may happen that I shall shortly have an opportunity of attending you in my official capacity, in which case I will answer for it that _you shall have no ground_ to complain of my endeavors to serve you."

MCCC.--A LITERARY RENDERING.

A SCOTCH lady gave her servant very particular instructions regarding visitors, explaining, that they were to be shown into the drawing-room, and no doubt used the Scotticism, "_Carry_ any ladies that call up stairs." On the arrival of the first visitors, Donald was eager to show his strict attention to the mistress's orders. Two ladies came together, and Donald, seizing one in his arms, said to the other, "Bide ye there till _I come for ye_," and, in spite of her struggles and remonstrances, ushered the terrified visitor into his mistress's presence in this unwonted fashion.

MCCCI.--TEMPERANCE CRUETS.

THE late James Smith might often be seen at the Garrick Club, restricting himself at dinner to a half-pint of sherry; whence he was designated an incorporated temperance society. The late Sir William Aylett, a grumbling member of the Union, and a two-bottle-man, observing Mr. Smith to be thus frugally furnished, eyed his cruet with contempt, and exclaimed: "So I see you have got one of those _life-preservers_!"

MCCCII.--DR GLYNN'S RECEIPT FOR DRESSING A CUCUMBER.

DR. GLYNN, whose name is still remembered in Cambridge, being one day in attendance on a lady, in the quality of her physician, took the liberty of lecturing her on the impropriety of eating _cucumber_, of which she was immoderately fond, and gave her the following humorous receipt for dressing them: "Peel the cucumber," said the doctor, "with great care; then cut it into very thin slices, pepper and salt it well, and then--_throw it away_."

MCCCIII.--"WHAT'S A HAT WITHOUT A HEAD?"

CAPTAIN INNES of the Guards (usually called Jock Innes by his contemporaries) was with others getting ready for Flushing, or some of those expeditions at the beginning of the great war. His commanding officer remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new one. "Na! na! bide a wee," said Jock; "whare we're ga'in', faith there'll soon be mair _hats_ nor _heads_."

MCCCIV.--SEVERE REBUKE.

SIR WILLIAM B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," said he to the farmer, "do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges in each university?"--"Well, sir," replied the farmer, "what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the _more he sucked_ the _greater calf_ he grew."

MCCCV.--HORSES TO GRASS.

IN an Irish paper was an advertisement for horses to stand at livery, on the following terms:--

Long-tailed horses, at 3s. 6d. per week. Short-tailed horses at 3s. per week.

On inquiry into the cause of the difference, it was answered, that the horses with long tails could brush the flies off their backs while eating, whereas the short-tailed horses were obliged to take their heads _from the manger_.

MCCCVI.--INADVERTENCE AND EPICURISM.

WHEN the Duke of Wellington was at Paris, as Commander of the Allied Armies, he was invited to dine with Cambacères, one of the most distinguished statesmen and _gourmets_ of the time of Napoleon. In the course of dinner, his host having helped him to some particularly _recherché_ dish, expressed a hope that he found it agreeable. "Very good," said the Duke, who was probably reflecting on Waterloo; "very good, but I really do not care what I eat."--"Don't care what you eat!" exclaimed Cambacères, as he started back, and dropped his fork; "what _did_ you come here for, then!"

MCCCVII.--VERY TRUE.

"ALL that is necessary for the enjoyment of sausages at breakfast is _confidence_."

MCCCVIII.--A JEW'S EYE TO BUSINESS.

A JEW, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. When informed of this, it was expected he would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see a fellow-prisoner hanged; and being asked why he did not get about his business, he said, "he waited to see if he could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the _other_ gentleman's clothes."

MCCCIX.--ST. PETER A BACHELOR.

IN the list of benefactors to Peter-House is Lady Mary Ramsay, who is reported to have offered a very large property, nearly equal to a new foundation to this college, on condition that the name should be changed to _Peter and Mary's_; but she was thwarted in her intention by Dr. Soame, then master. "Peter," said the crabbed humorist, "has been too long a _bachelor_ to think of a female companion in his old days."

MCCCX.--TRUE OF BOTH.

"I SWEAR," said a gentleman to his mistress, "you are very handsome."--"Pooh!" said the lady, "so you would say if you did not think so."--"And so you would _think_," answered he, "though I should not _say so_."

MCCCXI.--A POSER.

A LECTURER, wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in which a lobster casts his shell when he has outgrown it, said, "What do you do when you have outgrown your clothes? You throw them aside, don't you?"--"O no!" replied the little one, "_we let out the tucks_!" The doctor confessed she had the advantage of him there.

MCCCXII.--VERY APPROPRIATE.

A FACETIOUS old gentleman, who thought his two sons consumed too much time in hunting and shooting, styled them _Nimrod_ and _Ramrod_.

MCCCXIII.--A BAD JUDGE.

UPON the occasion of the birth of the Princess Royal, the Duke of Wellington was in the act of leaving Buckingham Palace, when he met Lord Hill; in answer to whose inquiries about Her Majesty and the little stranger, his grace replied, "Very fine child, and very red, very red; nearly as red as you, _Hill_!" a jocose allusion to Lord Hill's claret complexion.

MCCCXIV.--WHITE HANDS.

IN a country market a lady, laying her hand upon a joint of veal, said, "Mr. Smallbone, I think this veal is not quite so white as usual."--"_Put on your gloves_, madam," replied the butcher, "and you will think differently." The lady did so, and the veal was ordered home immediately.

MCCCXV.--TRUE TO THE LETTER.

IT may be all very well to say that the office of a tax-gatherer needs no great ability for the fulfilment of its duties, but there is no employment which requires such constant _application_.

MCCCXVI.--SIR WALTER SCOTT AND CONSTABLE.

SCOTT is known to have profited much by Constable's bibliographical knowledge, which was very extensive. The latter christened "Kenilworth," which Scott named "Cumnor Hall." John Ballantyne objected to the former title, and told Constable the result would be "something worthy of the kennel"; but the result proved the reverse. Mr. Cadell relates that Constable's vanity boiled over so much at this time, on having his suggestions gone into, that, in his high moods, he used to stalk up and down his room, and exclaim, "By Jove, I am _all but_ the author of the Waverley Novels!"

MCCCXVII.--TRUE PHILOSOPHY.

LE SAGE, the author of Gil Blas, said, to console himself for his deafness, with his usual humor, "When I go into a company where I find a great number of blockheads and babblers, I replace my trumpet in my pocket, and cry, 'Now, gentlemen, _I defy_ you all.'"

MCCCXVIII.--ANSWERED AT ONCE.

A SCOTCH clergyman preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is _the price_ of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily from a sound sleep, and cried out, lustily, "Seven-and-sixpence a dozen!"

MCCCXIX.--A DEADLY WEAPON.

"WELL, sir," asked a noisy disputant, "don't you think that I have _mauled_ my antagonist to some purpose?"--"O yes," replied a listener, "you have,--and if ever I should happen to fight with the Philistines, I'll borrow _your jaw-bone_!"

MCCCXX.--EQUALITY OF THE LAW.

THE following cannot be omitted from a _Jest Book_, although somewhat lengthy:--

A man was convicted of bigamy, and the annexed conversation took place.--Clerk of Assize: "What have you to say why judgment should not be passed upon you according to law?" Prisoner: "Well, my Lord, my wife took up with a hawker, and run away five years ago, and I've never seen her since, and I married this other woman last winter." Mr. Justice Maule: "I will tell you what you ought to have done; and if you say you did not know, I must tell you the law conclusively presumes that you did. You ought to have instructed your attorney to bring an action against the hawker for criminal conversation with your wife. That would have cost you about £100. When you had recovered substantial damages against the hawker, you would have instructed your proctor to sue in the Ecclesiastical Courts for a divorce _à mensa atque thoro_. That would have cost you £200 or £300 more. When you had obtained a divorce _à mensa atque thoro_, you would have had to appear by counsel before the House of Lords for a divorce _à vinculo matrimonii_. The bill might have been opposed in all its stages in both Houses of Parliament; and altogether you would have had to spend about £1000 or £1200. You will probably tell me that you never had a thousand farthings of your own in the world; but, prisoner, that makes no difference. Sitting here as a British judge, it is my duty to tell you that _this is not a country in which there is one law for the rich and another for the poor_."

MCCCXXI.--OPEN CONFESSION.

IN a cause tried in the Court of Queen's Bench, the plaintiff being a widow, and the defendants two medical men who had treated her for _delirium tremens_, and put her under restraint as a lunatic, witnesses were called on the part of the plaintiff to prove that she was not addicted to drinking. The last witness called by Mr. Montagu Chambers, the leading counsel on the part of the plaintiff, was Dr. Tunstal, who closed his evidence by describing a case of _delirium tremens_ treated by him, in which the patient _recovered in a single night_. "It was," said the witness, "a case of gradual drinking, _sipping all day_, from morning till night." These words were scarcely uttered, than Mr. Chambers, turning to the Bench, said, "My lord, _that is my case_."

MCCCXXII.--QUITE PROFESSIONAL.

A COMEDIAN, who had been almost lifted from his feet by the pressure at the funeral of a celebrated tragedian, ultimately reached the church-door. Having recovered his breath, which had been suspended in the effort, he exclaimed, "And so this is the last we shall ever see of him. Poor fellow! he has _drawn a full house_, though, to the end."

MCCCXXIII.--ON DR. LETTSOM.

IF anybody comes to I, I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em; If after that they like to die, Why, what care I, I Lettsom.

MCCCXXIV.--EQUITABLE LAW.

A RICH man made his will, leaving all he had to a company of fellow-citizens to dispose of, but reserving to his right heir "such a portion as pleased them." The heir having sued the company for his share of the property, the judge inquired whether they wished to carry out the will of the testator, and if so, what provision they proposed making for the heir? "He shall have a tenth part," said they, "and we will retain for ourselves the other nine."--"Take, then," said the judge, "the tenth part to yourselves, and leave the rest to the heir; for by the will he is to have what part '_pleaseth you_.'"

MCCCXXV.--IRISH AND SCOTCH LOYALTY.

WHEN George the Fourth went to Ireland, one of the "pisintry" said to the toll-keeper as the king passed through, "Och, now! an' his majesty never paid the turnpike, an' how's that?"--"O, kings never does; we lets 'em go free," was the answer. "Then there's the dirty money for ye," says Pat; "It shall never be said that the king came here, and found nobody to _pay the turnpike for him_." Tom Moore told this story to Sir Walter Scott, when they were comparing notes as to the two royal visits. "Now, Moore," replied Scott, "there ye have just the advantage of us: there was no want of enthusiasm here; the Scotch folk would have done anything in the world for his majesty, except _pay the turnpike_."

MCCCXXVI.--RUNNING ACCOUNTS.

THE valet of a man of fashion could get no money from him, and therefore told him that he should seek another master, and begged he would pay him the arrears of his wages. The gentleman, who liked his servant, and was desirous of keeping him, said, "True, I am in your debt, but your wages are _running on_."--"That's the very thing," answered the valet; "I am afraid they are _running_ so fast, that I shall never _catch_ them."

MCCCXXVII.--ON BLOOMFIELD, THE POET.

BLOOMFIELD, thy happy-omened name Ensures continuance to thy fame; Both sense and truth this verdict give. While _fields_ shall _bloom_, thy name shall live!

MCCCXXVIII.--SCOTCHMAN AND HIGHWAYMEN.

A SCOTCH pedestrian, attacked by three highwaymen, defended himself with great courage, but was at last overpowered, and his pockets rifled. The robbers expected, from the extraordinary resistance they had experienced, to find a rich booty; but were surprised to discover that the whole treasure which the sturdy Caledonian had been defending at the hazard of his life, was only a crooked sixpence. "The deuse is in him," said one of the rogues: "if he had had _eighteen-pence_ I suppose he would have _killed_ the whole of us."

MCCCXXIX.--IRISH IMPRUDENCE.

IN the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, the king's coach was attacked as his majesty was going to the House of Peers. A gigantic Hibernian, who was conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob, attracted the attention of the king. Not long after, the Irishman received a message from Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He went, and met with a gracious reception from the great man, who praised his loyalty and courage, and desired him to point out any way in which he would wish to be advanced, his majesty being desirous to reward him. Pat hesitated a moment, and then smirkingly said, "I'll tell you what, mister, make a _Scotchman_ of me, and, by St. Patrick, there'll be no fear of my gettin' on." The minister, dumfounded for the moment by the _mal-apropos_ hit, replied, "Make a _Scotchman_ of _you_, sir! that's impossible, for I can't give you _prudence_."

MCCCXXX.--THE PIGS AND THE SILVER SPOON.

THE Earl of P---- kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a large silver spoon. A servant-maid came out, and began to abuse the pigs for crying so. "Well they may," said his lordship, "when they have got but one _silver spoon_ among them all."

MCCCXXXI.--A FALSE FACE TRUE.

THAT there is _falsehood_ in his looks I must and will deny; They say their master is a knave: And sure _they do not lie_.

MCCCXXXII.--A CONSIDERATE MAYOR.

A COUNTRY mayor being newly got into office, that he might be seen to do something in it, would persuade his brethren to have a new pair of gallows built; but one of the aldermen said, that they had an old pair which would serve well enough. "Yea," said the mayor, "the old ones shall be to hang strangers on, and the new pair for _us and our heirs_ for ever."

MCCCXXXIII.--THE SAFE SIDE.

DURING the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, "_No Popery_!" Old Grimaldi, the father of the celebrated "Joey," to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his, "_No Religion_!"

MCCCXXXIV.--VISIBLY LOSING.

IN an election for the borough of Tallagh, Councillor Egan, or "bully Egan," as he was familiarly called, being an unsuccessful candidate, appealed to a Committee of the House of Commons. It was in the heat of a very warm summer, and Egan (who was an immensely stout man) was struggling through the crowd, his handkerchief in one hand, his wig in the other, and his whole countenance raging like the dog-star, when he met Curran. "I'm sorry for you, my dear fellow," said Curran. "Sorry! why so, Jack, why so? I'm perfectly at my ease."--"Alas! Egan, it is but too visible that you're losing _tallow_ (Tallagh) fast!"

MCCCXXXV.--REASON FOR THICK ANKLES.

"HARRY, I cannot think," says Dick, "What makes my ankles grow so thick." "You do not recollect," says Harry, "_How great a calf_ they have to carry."

MCCCXXXVI.--ERASMUS VERSUS LUTHER.

ERASMUS, of whom Cambridge has a right to be not a little proud, was entreated by Lord Mountjoy to attack the _errors_ of Luther. "My lord," answered Erasmus, "nothing is more easy than to say Luther is mistaken, and nothing more difficult than to _prove_ him so."

MCCCXXXVII.--SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.

SHERIDAN was once talking to a friend about the Prince Regent, who took great credit to himself for various public measures, as if they had been directed by his political skill, or foreseen by his political sagacity. "_But_," said Sheridan, "_what his Royal Highness more particularly prides himself in, is the late excellent harvest_."

MCCCXXXVIII.--FAIRLY WON.

THE only practical joke in which Richard Harris Barham (better known by his _nom-de-plume_ of Thomas Ingoldsby) ever personally engaged, was enacted when he was a boy at Canterbury. In company with a schoolfellow, D----, now a gallant major, he entered a Quakers' meeting-house; when, looking round at the grave assembly, the latter held up a penny tart, and said solemnly, "Whoever speaks first shall have this pie."--"Go thy way, boy," said a drab-colored gentleman, rising; "go thy way, and----"--"The pie's _yours_, sir!" exclaimed D----, placing it before the astonished speaker, and hastily effecting his escape.

MCCCXXXIX.--A FORTUNATE EXPEDIENT.

A GENTLEMAN of Trinity College, travelling through France, was annoyed at the slowness of the pace, and wishing to urge the postilion to greater speed, tried his bad French until he was out of patience. At last it occurred to him that, if he was not understood, he might at least frighten the fellow by using some high-sounding words, and he roared into the ear of the postilion: "_Westmoreland, Cumberland, Northumberland, Durham_!" which the fellow mistaking for some tremendous threat, had the desired effect, and induced him to increase his speed.

MCCCXL.--ON THE FOUR GEORGES.

GEORGE the First was always reckoned Vile,--but viler, George the Second; And what mortal ever heard Any good of George the Third? When from earth the Fourth descended, God be praised, the Georges ended.

MCCCXLI.--WHAT EVERYBODY DOES.

HOPKINS once lent Simpson, his next door neighbor, an umbrella, and having an urgent call to make on a wet day, knocked at Simpson's door. "I want my umbrella."--"Can't have it," said Simpson. "Why? I want to go to the East End, and it rains in torrents; what am I to do for an umbrella?"--"Do?" answered Simpson, passing through the door, "do as _I_ did, _borrow one_!"

MCCCXLII.--WHAT IS AN ARCHDEACON?

LORD ALTHORP, when Chancellor of the Exchequer, having to propose to the House of Commons a vote of £400 a year for the salary of the Archdeacon of Bengal, was puzzled by a question from Mr. Hume, "What are the duties of an archdeacon?" So he sent one of the subordinate occupants of the Treasury Bench to the other House to obtain an answer to the question from one of the bishops. To Dr. Blomfield accordingly the messenger went, and repeated the question, "What is an archdeacon?"--"An archdeacon," replied the bishop, in his quick way, "an archdeacon is an ecclesiastical officer, who performs archidiaconal functions"; and with this reply Lord Althorp and the House were perfectly satisfied. It ought to be added, however, that when the story was repeated to the bishop himself, he said that he had no recollection of having made any such answer; but that if he had, it must have been suggested to him by a saying of old John White, a dentist, whom he had known in early days, who used to recommend the use of lavender-water to his patients, and when pressed for a reason for his recommendation, replied, "On account of its _lavendric_ properties."

MCCCXLIII.--"ON MR. PITT'S BEING PELTED BY THE MOB, ON LORD MAYOR'S DAY, 1787."

THE City-feast inverted here we find, For Pitt had his _dessert_ before he dined.

MCCCXLIV.--LATIMER.

THE pious and learned martyr, and Bishop of Worcester, who was educated at Christ College, Cambridge, and was one of the first reformers of the Church of England, at a controversial conference, being out-talked by younger divines, and out-argued by those who were more studied in the _fathers_, said, "I cannot talk for my _religion_, but I am ready to die for it."

MCCCXLV.--EXCUSE FOR COWARDICE.

A BRAGGART ran away from battle, and gave as a reason, that a friend had written his epitaph, which had an excellent point in it, provided he attained the age of _one hundred_.

MCCCXLVI.--A NEW IDEA.

ONE of Mrs. Montague's blue-stocking ladies fastened upon Foote, at one of the routs in Portman Square, with her views of Locke "On the Understanding," which she protested she admired above all things; only there was one particular word, very often repeated, which she could not distinctly make out, and that was the word (pronouncing it very long) _ide-a_. "But I suppose," said she, "it comes from a Greek derivation."--"You are perfectly right, madam," said Foote; "it comes from the word _ideaowski_."--"And pray, sir, what does that mean?"--"It is the _feminine_ of idiot, madam!"

MCCCXLVII--THE POOR CURATE.

FOR the Rector in vain through the parish you'll search, But the Curate you'll find _living hard_ by the church.

MCCCXLVIII.--NEIGHBORLY POLITENESS.

SIR GODFREY KNELLER and Dr. Ratcliffe lived next door to each other, and were extremely intimate. Kneller had a very fine garden, and as the doctor was fond of flowers, he permitted him to have a door into it. Ratcliffe's servants gathering and destroying the flowers, Kneller sent to inform him that he would nail up the door; to which Ratcliffe, in his rough manner, replied, "Tell him, he may do anything but _paint_ it."--"Well," replied Kneller, "he may say what he will, for tell him, I will _take anything from him, except physic_."

MCCCXLIX.--A HEAVY WEIGHT.

MR. DOUGLAS, son of the Bishop of Salisbury, was six feet two inches in height, and of enormous bulk. The little boys of Oxford always gathered about him when he went into the streets, to look up at his towering bulk. "Get out of my way, you little scamps," he used to cry, "_or I will roll upon you_." It was upon this gentleman that Canning composed the following epigram:--

That the stones of our chapel are both black and white, Is most undeniably true; But, as Douglas walks o'er them both morning and night, It's a wonder they're not _black and blue_.

MCCCL.--A SYLLABIC DIFFERENCE.

GIBBON, the historian, was one day attending the trial of Warren Hastings in Westminster Hall, and Sheridan, having perceived him there, took occasion to mention "the luminous author of _The Decline and Fall_." After he had finished, one of his friends reproached him with flattering Gibbon. "Why, what did I say of him?" asked Sheridan. "You called him the luminous author."--"Luminous! Oh, I meant _vo_luminous!"

MCCCLI.--"SINKING" THE WELL.

THEODORE HOOK once observed a party of laborers sinking a well. "What are you about?" he inquired. "Boring for water, sir," was the answer. "Water's a bore at any time," responded Hook; "besides, you're quite wrong; remember the old proverb,--'Let _well_ alone.'"

MCCCLII.--ON A GENTLEMAN NAMED HEDDY.

IN reading his name it may truly be said, You will make that man _dy_ if you cut off his _Hed_.

MCCCLIII.--THE WAY TO KEW.

HOOK, in the supposed character of Gower-street undergraduate, says: "One problem was given me to work which I did in a twinkling. Given _C A B_ to find _Q_. _Answer_: Take your _C A B_ through Hammersmith, turn to the left just before you come to Brentford, and Kew is right before you."

MCCCLIV.--ABOVE PROOF.

AN East-India Governor having died abroad, his body was put in arrack, to preserve it for interment, in England. A sailor on board the ship being frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all in the ship, to let him have any liquor. Shortly after the fellow appeared very drunk. How he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. The captain resolved to find out, promising to forgive him if he would tell from whom he got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out, "Why, please your honor, I _tapped the Governor_."

MCCCLV.--AWKWARD ORTHOGRAPHY.

MATHEWS once went to Wakefield, then, from commercial failures, in a dreadful state. In vain did he announce his inimitable "Youthful Days"; the Yorkshiremen came not. When he progressed to Edinburgh, a friend asked him if he made much money in Wakefield. "Not a shilling!" was the reply. "Not a shilling!" reiterated his astonished acquaintance. "Why, didn't you go there _to star_?"--"Yes," replied Mathews, with mirthful mournfulness; "but they spell it with a _ve_ in Wakefield."

MCCCLVI.--MISS WILBERFORCE.

WHEN Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable and witty young lady, offered the compliment of a new gown to each of the wives of those freemen who voted for her brother, on which she was saluted with a cry of "Miss Wilberforce _for ever_!" when she pleasantly observed, "I thank you, gentlemen, but I can not agree with you; for really, I do not wish to be _Miss Wilberforce for ever_!"

MCCCLVII.--WRITTEN ON THE UNION, 1801, BY A BARRISTER OF DUBLIN.

WHY should we explain, that the times are so bad, Pursuing a querulous strain? When Erin gives up all the rights that she had, What _right has she left to complain_?

MCCCLVIII.--A COOL PROPOSITION.

AT the breaking up of a fashionable party at the west end of town, one of the company said he was about to "drop in" at Lady Blessington's; whereupon a young gentleman, a perfect stranger to the speaker, very modestly said, "O then, you can take me with you; I want very much to know her, and you can introduce me." While the other was standing aghast at the impudence of the proposal, and muttering something about being but a slight acquaintance himself, etc., Sydney Smith observed, "Pray oblige our young friend; you can do it easily enough by introducing him in a capacity very desirable at this close season of the year,--say you are bringing with you the _cool of the evening_."

MCCCLIX.--A PROPER NAME.

WHEN Messrs. Abbot and Egerton took the old Coburg Theatre for the purpose of bringing forward the legitimate drama, the former gentleman asked Hook if he could suggest a new name, the old being too much identified with blue fire and broadswords to suit the proposed change of performance. "Why," said Hook, "as you will of course butcher everything you attempt, suppose you call it _Abbatoir_."

MCCCLX.--THE GRANDSON.

HORACE WALPOLE, on one occasion observed that there had existed the same indecision, irresolution, and want of system in the politics of Queen Anne, as at the time he spoke, under the reign of George the Third. "But," added he, "there is nothing new under the _sun_!"--"No," said George Selwyn, "nor under the _grand-son_!"

MCCCLXI.--AN UNANSWERABLE ARGUMENT.

A WELL-FED rector was advising a poor starving laborer to trust to Providence, and be satisfied with his _lot_. "Ah!" replied the needy man, "I should be satisfied with his _lot_ if I had it, but I can't get even a _little_."

MCCCLXII.--TO LADY, MOUNT E----, ON THE DEATH OF A FAVORITE PIG.

O DRY that tear so round and big, Nor waste in sighs your precious wind; Death only takes _a single pig_-- Your _lord and son_ are still behind.

MCCCLXIII.--NATURAL.

MRS. SMITH, hearing strange sounds, inquired of her new servant if she snored in her sleep. "I don't know, marm," replied Becky, quite innocently; "I never _lay awake_ long enough to diskiver."

MCCCLXIV.--BROTHERLY LOVE.

AN affectionate Irishman once enlisted in the 75th Regiment, in order to be near his brother, who was a corporal _in the 76th_.

MCCCLXV.--A DISTRESSFUL DENOUEMENT.

MR. MOORE having been long under a prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of _The Gamester_. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of the piece, being all he had written; by which the man of law was so affected, that he exclaimed, "Good! good! can you add to this couple's distress in the last act?"--"O, very easily," said the poet, "I intend to _put them into the Ecclesiastical Court_."

MCCCLXVI.--CONSERVATIVE LOGIC.

"TAXES are equal is a dogma which I'll prove at once," exclaimed a Tory boor; "Taxation _hardly presses_ on the rich, And likewise _presses hardly_ on the poor."

MCCCLXVII.--THE BEST WINE.

SHERIDAN being asked what wine he liked best, replied, "The wine of _other people_."

MCCCLXVIII.--A VALUABLE BEAVER.

A GRAND entertainment taking place at Belvoir Castle, on the occasion of the coming of age of the Marquis of Granby, the company were going out to see the fireworks, when Theodore Hook came in great tribulation to the Duke of Rutland, who was standing near Sir Robert Peel, and said: "Now isn't this provoking? I've lost my hat. What can I do?"--"Why did you part with your hat? I never do," said his Grace. "Ay!" rejoined Theodore, "but you have especial good reasons for sticking to _your Beaver_" (Belvoir).

MCCCLXIX.--SOMETHING TO POCKET.

A DIMINUTIVE lawyer appearing as witness in one of the Courts, was asked by a gigantic counsellor what profession he was of; and having replied that he was an attorney,--"You a lawyer!" said Brief; "why I could put you in my pocket."--"Very likely you may," rejoined the other; "and if you do, you will have more law in your _pocket_ than ever you had in your _head_."

MCCCLXX.--UP AND DOWN.

AT the Irish bar, Moran Mahaffy, Esq., was as much above the middle size as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redesdale was Lord Chancellor of Ireland, Messrs. Mahaffy and Collis happened to be retained in the same case a short time after his lordship's elevation, and before he was acquainted personally with the Irish bar. Mr. Collis was opening the motion, when Lord R. observed, "Mr. Collis, when a barrister addresses the court, he must stand."--"I am standing on the bench, my lord," said Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," replied his lordship, somewhat confused; "sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."--"I _am sitting_, my lord," was the reply to the confounded Chancellor.

MCCCLXXI.--A POOR SUBSTITUTE.

THE Rev. Mr. Johnston was one of those rough but quaint preachers of the former generation who were fond of visiting and good living. While seated at the table of a good lady in a neighboring parish, she asked him if he took milk in his tea. "Yes, ma'am _when I can't get cream_," was the ready reply.

MCCCLXXII.--OUT OF SPIRITS.

"IS my wife out of spirits?" said John with a sigh, As her voice of a tempest gave warning. "Quite out, sir, indeed," said her maid in reply, "For she _finished_ the bottle this morning."

MCCCLXXIII.--GOOD AT THE HALT.

PETER MACNALLY, an Irish attorney, was very lame, and, when walking, had an unfortunate limp, which he could not bear to be told of. At the time of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardor, and when the different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the lawyers was organized. Meeting with Curran, Macnally said, "My dear friend, these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to enter the lawyers' corps, and follow the camp."--"You follow the camp, my little limb of the law!" said the wit; "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you never can be a disciplinarian."--"And why not, Mr. Curran?" said Macnally. "For this reason," said Curran; "the moment you were ordered to march, you would _halt_!"

MCCCLXXIV.--AN EASY WAY.

A PERSON deeply in debt, was walking through the streets in a melancholy way, when a friend asked him the cause of his sadness. "I owe money and cannot pay it," said the man, in a tone of extreme dejection. "Can't you leave all the _uneasiness_ to your creditors?" replied the other. "Is it not enough that one should be sorry for what _neither of you can help_?"

MCCCLXXV.--ERUDITE.

A LADY had a favorite lapdog, which she called _Perchance_. "A singular name," said somebody, "for a beautiful pet, madam. Where did you find it?"--"O," drawled she, "it was named from Byron's dog. You remember where he says, '_Perchance_ my dog will howl.'"

MCCCLXXVI.--VERY EASY.

ON the approach of Holy Week, a great lady said to her friend, "We must, however, mortify ourselves _a little_."--"Well," replied the other, "let us make our _servants fast_."

MCCCLXXVII.--A WINNER AT CARDS.

A GENTLEMAN riding one day near Richmond, observed a house delightfully situated, and asking his companion to whom it belonged, was answered, "To a _card-maker_."--"Upon my life," he replied, "one would imagine all that man's _cards_ must have been _trumps_."

MCCCLXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

THE charity of Closefist give to fame, He has at last _subscribed_--how much?--_his name_.

MCCCLXXIX.--AN INCONVENIENT BREAK DOWN.

THE play of "King Lear" being performed at Reading, the representative of _Glo'ster_ was, on one occasion, taken ill, and another actor was found to take the part at a short notice. He got on famously as far as the scene where _Glo'ster had his eyes put out_, when he came to a stand still, and was obliged to beg permission to _read_ the rest of the part.

MCCCLXXX.--SMALL TALK.

FUSELI had a great dislike to common-place observations. After sitting perfectly quiet for a long time in his own room, during the "bald disjointed chat" of some idle visitors, who were gabbling with one another about the weather, and other topics of as interesting a nature, he suddenly exclaimed, "_We had pork for dinner to-day_."--"Dear me! Mr. Fuseli, what an odd remark."--"Why, it is _as good_ as anything you have been saying for _the last hour_."

MCCCLXXXI.--RATHER FEROCIOUS.

AS Burke was declaiming with great animation against Hastings, he was interrupted by little Major Scott. "Am I," said he, indignantly, "to be teased by the barking of this _jackal_ while I am attacking the royal _tiger_ of Bengal?"

MCCCLXXXII.--ONLY FOR LIFE.

A SPANISH Archbishop having a dispute with an opulent duke, who said with scorn, "What are you? your title and revenues are only for your life," answered by asking, "And for how _many lives_ does your Grace hold yours?"

MCCCLXXXIII.--AN OUTLINE.

WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townshend, being asked whether the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered, he did not know, but they had sent "the _outline of an ambassador_."

MCCCLXXXIV.--ON SIR WALTER SCOTT'S POEM OF WATERLOO.

ON Waterloo's ensanguined plain, Full many a gallant man lies slain; But none, by bullet or by shot, Fell half so flat as Walter Scott.

MCCCLXXXV.--UGLY TRADES.

THE ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.--D.J.

MCCCLXXXVI.--A GOOD CHARACTER.

AN Irish gentleman parting with a lazy servant-woman, was asked, with respect to her industry, whether she was what is termed _afraid_ of work. "O, not at all," said he; "not at all; she'll frequently _lie down_ and fall asleep by the very _side of it_."

MCCCLXXXVII.--SENSIBILITY.

A KEEN sportsman, who kept harriers, was so vexed when any noise was made while the hounds were at fault, that he rode up to a gentleman who accidentally coughed at such a time, and said, "I wish, with all my heart, sir, your _cough_ was better."

MCCCLXXXVIII.--PATIENCE.

WHEN Lord Chesterfield was one day at Newcastle House, the Duke happening to be very particularly engaged, the Earl was requested to sit down in an ante-room. "Garnet upon Job," a book dedicated to the Duke, happened to lie in the window; and his Grace, on entering, found the Earl so busily engaged in reading, that he asked how he liked the commentary. "In any other place," replied Chesterfield, "I should not think much of it; but there is so much _propriety_ in putting a volume upon _patience_ in the room where every visitor has to wait for your Grace, that _here_ it must be considered as one of the _best books in the world_."

MCCCLXXXIX.--WHAT'S MY THOUGHT LIKE?

_Quest._ WHY is a pump like Viscount Castlereagh?

_Ans._ Because it is a slender thing of wood, That up and down its awkward arm doth sway, And coolly shout, and spout, and spout away, In one weak, washy, everlasting flood!

MCCCXC.--NOT GIVING HIMSELF "AIRS."

ARCHDEACON PALEY was in very high spirits when he was presented to his first preferment in the Church. He attended at a visitation dinner just after this event, and during the entertainment called out jocosely, "Waiter, shut down that window at the back of my chair, and open another behind some _curate_."

MCCCXCI.--A BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER.

"SIR," said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, "will you tell me if this is a good half-sovereign?" The lawyer, pronouncing the piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If you'll send your lad to my office, I'll return the _three and four-pence_."

MCCCXCII.--A MAN OF METAL.

EDWIN JAMES, examining a witness, asked him what his business was. He answered, "A dealer in old iron."--"Then," said the counsel, "you must of course be a thief."--"I don't see," replied the witness, "why a dealer in _iron_ must necessarily be a thief, more than a dealer in _brass_."

MCCCXCIII.--SPECIMEN OF THE LACONIC.

"BE less prolix," says Grill. I like advice. "Grill, you're an ass!" Now, surely, that's concise.

MCCCXCIV.--A DROP.

DEAN SWIFT was one day in company, when the conversation fell upon the antiquity of the family. The lady of the house expatiated a little too freely on her descent, observing that her ancestors' names began with De, and, of course, of antique French extraction. When she had finished; "And now," said the Dean, "will you be so kind as to help me to a piece of that _D--umpling_?"

MCCCXCV.--ERROR IN JUDGMENT.

AN author once praised another writer very heartily to a third person. "It is very strange," was the reply, "that you speak so well of him, for he says that you are a charlatan."--"O," replied the other, "I think it very likely that _both of us_ may be mistaken."

MCCCXCVI.--THE SUPERIORITY OF MACHINERY.

A MECHANIC his labor will often discard, If the rate of his pay he dislikes: But a clock--and its case is uncommonly hard-- Will continue to work though it _strikes_!

MCCCXCVII.--THE MONEY-BORROWER DECEIVED.

A YOUTH had borrowed a hundred pounds of a very rich friend, who had concluded that he should never see them again. He was mistaken, for the youth returned him the money. Some time after, the youth came again to borrow, but was refused. "No, sir," said his friend, "you shall not _deceive_ me twice."

MCCCXCVIII.--A SPEAKING CANVAS.

SOME of the friends of a famous painter, observed to him, that they never heard him bestow any praises but on his worst paintings. "True," answered he; "for the best will always _praise_ themselves."

MCCCXCIX.--INDUSTRY OF THE ENGLISH PEOPLE.

SYDNEY SMITH, writing in the _Edinburgh Review_, says, "If the English were in a paradise of spontaneous productions, they would continue to _dig_ and _plough_, though they were never a peach or a pine-apple the _better for it_."

MCD.--OCULAR.

TAYLOR says, "My best pun was that which I made to Sheridan, who married a Miss Ogle." We were supping together at the Shakespeare, when, the conversation turning on Garrick, I asked him which of his performances he thought the best. "O," said he, "the Lear, the Lear."--"No wonder," said I, "you were fond of a _Leer_ when you married an _Ogle_."

MCDI.--ON THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE WHIG ASSOCIATES OF THE PRINCE REGENT AT NOT OBTAINING OFFICE.

YE politicians, tell me, pray, Why thus with woe and care rent? This is the worst that you can say, Some wind has blown the wig away, And left the _Hair Apparent_.

MCDII.--AN APT REPROOF.

MR. WESLEY, during his voyage to America, hearing an unusual noise in the cabin of General Oglethorpe (the Governor of Georgia, with whom he sailed), stepped in to inquire the cause of it, on which the General immediately addressed him: "Mr. Wesley, you must excuse me. I have met with a provocation too great for man to bear. You know the only wine I drink is Cyprus wine, as it agrees with me the best of any; and this villain Grimaldi (his foreign servant) has drunk up the whole I had on board. But I will be revenged of him. I have ordered him to be tied hand and foot, and to be carried to the man-of-war that sails with us. The rascal should have taken care how he used me, for _I never forgive_."--"Then I hope, sir," said John Wesley, looking calmly at him, "_you never sin_." The General was quite confounded at the reproof, and putting his hand into his pocket took out a bunch of keys, which he threw at Grimaldi, saying, "There, villain! Take my keys, and behave better for the future."

MCDIII.--THE LAME BEGGAR.

"I AM unable," yonder beggar cries, "To _stand or move_." If he says true, he _lies_.

MCDIV.--HOLLAND'S FUNERAL.

HOLLAND, who was a great favorite with Foote, died. While the funeral ceremony was performing, G. Garrick remarked to Foote: "You see what a snug family vault we have made here."--"_Family vault_!" said Foote, with tears trickling down his cheeks, "I thought it had been a family _oven_."

MCDV.--PRETTY.

HOPE is the dream of those who are awake.

MCDVI.--NOT IMPROBABLE.

A CERTAIN young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the attention of the whole company, "How it happened that the patriarchs lived to such extreme old age?" To which question the clergyman replied, "_Perhaps they took no physic_."

MCDVII.--SOUGHT AND FOUND.

THREE conceited young wits, as they thought themselves, passing along the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a mind to be rudely merry. "Good-morrow, father Abraham," said one; "Good-morrow, father Isaac," said the next; "Good-morrow, father Jacob," cried the last. "I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob," replied the old gentleman, "but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father's _asses_, and lo! here I have found them."

MCDVIII.--NO REDEEMING VIRTUE.

"PRAY, does it always rain in this hanged place, Enough to drive one mad, heaven knows?" "No, please your grace," Cried Boniface, With some grimace, "_Sometimes it snows_."

MCDIX.--A REMARKABLE ECHO.

A CERTAIN Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, "One at a time, Mr. Curran, if you please." The speech being finished, the judge began his charge, and during its progress the ass sent forth the full force of its lungs; whereupon the advocate said, "Does not your lordship hear a remarkable _echo in the court_?"

MCDX.--A DUTIFUL DAUGHTER.

THE father of Mrs. Siddons had always forbidden her to marry an actor, and of course she chose a member of the old gentleman's company, whom she secretly wedded. When Roger Kemble heard of it he was furious. "Have I not," he exclaimed, "dared you to marry a player?" The lady replied, with downcast eyes, that she had not disobeyed. "What, madam! have you not allied yourself to about the worst performer in my company?"--"Exactly so," murmured the timid bride; "nobody can call _him_ an actor."

MCDXI.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.

FRANKLIN was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by another, "What is the _use_ of a new-born infant?"

MCDXII.--A SOPORIFIC.

A PROSY orator reproved Lord North for going to sleep during one of his speeches. "Pooh, pooh!" said the drowsy Premier; "the physician should never quarrel with _the effect_ of his own medicine."

MCDXIII.--THE AMENDE HONORABLE.

QUOTH Will, "On that young servant-maid My heart its life-string stakes." "Quite safe!" cries Dick, "don't be afraid, She pays for _all she breaks_."

MCDXIV.--ALLEGORICAL REPRESENTATION.

A PAINTER, who was well acquainted with the dire effects of law, had to represent two men,--one who had gained a law-suit, and another who had lost one. He painted the former with a _shirt on_, and the latter _naked_.

MCDXV.--MILITARY ELOQUENCE.

AN officer who commanded a regiment very ill-clothed, seeing a party of the enemy advancing, who appeared newly equipped, he said to his soldiers, in order to rally them on to glory, "There, my brave fellows, go and _clothe_ yourselves."

MCDXVI.--CUTTING OFF THE SUPPLIES.

THE late Duke of York is reported to have once consulted Abernethy. During the time his highness was in the room, the doctor stood before him with his hands in his pockets, waiting to be addressed, and whistling with great coolness. The Duke, naturally astonished at his conduct, said, "I suppose you know who I am?"--"Suppose I do; what of that? If your Highness of York wishes to be well, let me tell you," added the surgeon, "you must do as the Duke of Wellington often did in his campaigns, _cut off the supplies_, and the enemy will quickly leave the citadel."

MCDXVII.--EPIGRAM.

THE proverb says, and no one e'er disputes, "Nature the shoulder to the burden suits"; Then nature gave to Saucemore with his head, Shoulders to carry half a ton of lead.

MCDXVIII.--A FOWL JOKE.

A CITY policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the _hens_ (_N_) division. "Do you mean in the _Poultry_?" asked the Judge.

MCDXIX.--AN EXPENSIVE TRIP.

IRISH Johnstone, the comedian, was known to be rather parsimonious. On one of his professional visits to Dublin, he billeted himself (as was his wont) upon all his acquaintances in town. Meeting Curran afterwards in London, and talking of his _great expenses_, he asked the ex-Master of the Rolls what he supposed he spent in the Irish capital during his last trip. "I don't know," replied Curran; "but probably a _fortnight_."

MCDXX.--OLD FRIENDS.

COLEMAN, the dramatist, was asked if he knew Theodore Hook. "Yes," replied the wit; "_Hook_ and _eye_ are old associates."

MCDXXI.--A REASON.

"I WISH you at the devil!" said somebody to Wilkes. "I don't wish you there," was the answer. "Why?"--"Because I never wish _to see you again_!"

MCDXXII.--HONOR.

DURING a siege the officer in command proposed to the grenadiers a large sum of money as a reward to him who should first drive a fascine into a ditch which was exposed to the enemy's fire. None of the grenadiers offered. The general, astonished, began to reproach them for it. "_We should have all offered_," said one of these brave soldiers, "if money _had not been set as the price of this action_."

MCDXXIII.--JUST AS WONDERFUL.

A GENTLEMAN asked a friend, in a very knowing manner, "Pray, did you ever see a _cat-fish_?"--"No," was the response, "but I've seen a _rope-walk_."

MCDXXIV.--CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME.

"WELL, neighbor, what's the news this morning?" said a gentleman to a friend. "I have just bought a sack of flour for a poor woman."--"Just like you! Whom have you made so happy by your charity this time?"--"_My wife_."

MCDXXV.--QUESTION ANSWERED.

THAT idiot W---- coming out of the Opera one night, called out, "Where is my fellow?"--"_Not in England_, I'll swear," said a bystander.

MCDXXVI.--VERY LIKELY.

AN officer of the navy being asked what Burke meant by the "_Cheap_ defence of nations," replied, "A midshipman's _half-pay_,--nothing a-day and find yourself."

MCDXXVII.--INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.

DIED suddenly,--surprised at such a rarity! Verdict,--Saw Eldon do a little bit of charity.

MCDXXVIII.--A GRUNT.

"DOCTOR, when we have sat together some time, you'll find my brother very entertaining."--"Sir," said Johnson, "_I can wait_."

MCDXXIX.--ONE FAULT.

"SHE is insupportable," said a wit with marked emphasis, of one well known; but, as if he had gone too far, he added, "It is her _only_ defect."

MCDXXX.--TO THE "COMING" MAN.

SMART waiter, be contented with thy state, The world is his who best knows how to wait.

MCDXXXI.--NOTHING TO BOAST OF.

"THE British empire, sir," exclaimed an orator, "is one on which the sun never sets."--"And one," replied an auditor, "in which the _tax-gatherer_ never goes to bed."

MCDXXXII.--COLONIAL BREWERIES.

WHAT two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? what event more awfully important to an English colony, than the erection of its _first brewhouse?_--S.S.

MCDXXXIII.--A CLOSER.

SOME person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door of a house, "Let _nothing_ enter here but what is _good_."--"Then where will _the master_ go in?" asked a cynic.

MCDXXXIV.--THE FOOL OR KNAVE.

THY praise or dispraise is to me alike; One doth not _stroke_ me, nor the other _strike_.

MCDXXXV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.

AN attorney, not celebrated for his probity, was robbed one night on his way from Wicklow to Dublin. His father meeting Baron O'Grady next day, said, "My lord, have you heard of my son's robbery?"--"No," replied the baron; "whom did _he rob_?"

MCDXXXVI.--A GOOD REASON FOR A BAD CAUSE.

AN eminent counsellor asked another why he so often undertook bad causes. "Sir," answered the lawyer, "I have lost so many _good_ ones, that I am quite at a loss which to take."

MCDXXXVII.--SELF-APPLAUSE.

SOME persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they are thinking of themselves, and laying little traps for approbation.--S.S.

MCDXXXVIII.--A WOODEN JOKE.

BURKE said of Lord Thurlow, "He was a sturdy _oak_ at Westminster, and a _willow_ at St James's."

MCDXXXIX.--AN OLD ADAGE REFUTED.

A SCHOLAR having fallen into the hands of robbers was fastened to a tree, and left so nearly a whole day, till one came and unloosed him. "Now," says he, "the old adage must be false, which saith that the _tide_ tarrieth for no man."

MCDXL.--THEATRICAL PURGATIONS.

A DRAMATIC author once observed that he knew nothing so terrible as reading his piece before a critical audience. "I know but one more terrible," said Compton, the actor, "to be obliged to sit and _hear it_."

MCDXLI.--ALL THE SAME.

IN Edinburgh resided a gentleman, who is as huge, though not so witty, as Falstaff. It is his custom when he travels to