book iii

.), says; I give you the same wish:--

"'Semper tibi _pendeat hamus_,'

May you always have a _ham_ hanging in your kitchen." The doctor insisted that tea was well known to the Romans, "for," said he, "even in the time of Plautus it was a favorite beverage with the ladies,--

"'Amant _te_ omnes mulieres.'" _Miles Glor._, Act i., sc. i., v. 58.

Observing Sukey Boyle, he said to his friend, "Ah! John, I see you follow the old advice we both learned at school, [Greek: Charizou tê Psychê], 'Indulge yourself with Sukey.'" There was some hock at dinner, which he thus eulogized:--

"'Hoc tum sævas paulatim mitigat iras, Hoc minuit luctus moestaque corda levat.'" _Ov. Trist._, lib. iv., _el._ vi., v. 15, 16.

MDXL.--A PREFERABLE WAY.

ONE of the Kembles made his first appearance on the stage as an opera singer. His voice was, however, so bad, that at a rehearsal the conductor of the orchestra called out, "Mr. Kemble! Mr. Kemble! you are murdering the music!"--"My dear sir," was the quiet rejoinder, "it is far better to murder it outright, than to keep on _beating it as you do_."

MDXLI.--A STOUT SWIMMER.

SOME one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley, that, in his arrangements of the ministry, his brother, the Duke, had thrown him overboard. "Yes," said the Marquis; "but I trust I have strength enough to swim _to the other side_."

MDXLII.--A CHOICE OF EVILS.

ONE asked his friend, why he married so _little_ a wife? "Why," said he, "I thought you knew, that of all evils we should choose the _least_."

MDXLIII.--RESTING HERSELF.

A LABORER'S daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, would frequently wish to be married, that, as she expressed herself, she might _rest her bones_. Some time afterwards she got married, and her late mistress meeting her, asked her, "Well, Mary, have you rested your bones yet?"--"Yes, indeed," replied she, with a sigh, "I have rested my _jaw-bones_."

MDXLIV.--A CHARTIST NOT A LEVELLER.

A CHARTIST at a public meeting, in the course of a speech about the "five points" of the charter, exclaimed, "Gentlemen, is not one man as good as another?"--"Uv course he is," shouted an excited Irish chartist, "and _a great deal betther_."

MDXLV.--DEATH AND DR. BOLUS.

"MY dart," cried Death, "I cannot find, So now I'm quite at sea." Quoth Dr. Bolus, "Never mind,-- There, take this recipe."

MDXLVI.--AN EVASION.

A WELL-DRESSED fellow walked into a room where they were talking politics, and, stretching himself up to his full height, exclaimed, in a loud voice, "Where is a radical? Show me a radical, gentlemen, and I'll show you a liar!" In an instant a man exclaimed, "I am a radical, sir!"--"_You_ are?"--"Yes, sir, I _am_!"--"Well, just you step round the corner with me, and I'll _show you_ a fellow who said I couldn't find a radical in the ward. Ain't _he_ a liar, I should like to know?"

MDXLVII.--GOING FROM THE POINT.

CURRAN, in describing a speech made by Sergeant Hewitt, said: "My learned friend's speech put me exactly in mind of a familiar utensil in domestic use, commonly called an _extinguisher_. It began at a point, and on it went widening and widening, until at last it fairly put the question out altogether."

MDXLVIII.--DEFINING A CREED.

A FRIEND of Sydney Smith inquired, "What is Puseyism!" To which the witty canon replied: "Puseyism, sir, is inflexion and genuflexion; posture and imposture; bowing to the east, and curtseying to the west."

MDXLIX.--A BIT OF MOONSHINE.

BROUGHAM, speaking of the salary attached to a new judgeship, said it was all moonshine. Lyndhurst, in his dry and waggish way, remarked, "May be so, my Lord Harry; but I have a strong notion that, moonshine though it be, you would like to see the _first quarter_ of it."

MDL.--EPIGRAM.

WHEN at the head of our most gracious king, Disloyal Collins did his pebble fling,-- "Why choose," with tears the injured monarch said, "So hard a stone to break so soft a head?"

MDLI.--A KIND HINT.

LORD GREY complains that he cannot succeed in pleasing any party. He should follow the example of duellists, and by _going out_ he would certainly give _satisfaction_.

MDLII.--PRIEST'S ORDERS.

AN actor named Priest was playing at one of the principal theatres. Some one remarked to the Garrick Club that there were a great many men in the pit. "Probably clerks _who have taken Priest's orders_," said Mr. Poole, one of the best punsters as well as one of the cleverest comic satirists of the day.

MDLIII.--SHERIDAN AND BURKE.

AFTER a very violent speech from an opposition member, Mr. Burke started suddenly from his seat, and rushed to the ministerial side of the house, exclaiming with much vehemence, "I quit the camp! I quit the camp!"--"I hope," said Mr. Sheridan, "as the honorable gentleman has quitted the camp as a _deserter_, he will not return as a _spy_."

MDLIV.--ALWAYS THE BETTER.

A CAMBRIDGE tutor said to his pupil, "If you go over to Newmarket, beware of betting, for in nine cases out of ten it brings a man to ruin."--"Sir," said the youth, "I must really differ from you; so far from ever being the worse for it, I have invariably been _the better_."

MDLV.--A PUNGENT PINCH.

WHEN Curran was cross-examining Lundy Foot, the celebrated Irish tobacconist, he put a question at which Lundy hesitated a great deal: "Lundy," exclaimed Curran, "that's a poser,--a deuse of a _pinch_, Lundy!"

MDLVI.--"OFF WITH HIS HEAD."

AN EMINENT painter, who had suffered, under the common malady of his profession, namely, to paint portraits for persons who neither paid for them nor took them away, sent word to an ugly customer who refused to pay, that he was in treaty for the picture with the landlord of the "_Saracen's Head_." It was paid for immediately.

MDLVII.--ON A GREAT TALKER.

TO hear Dash by the hour blunder forth his vile prose, Job himself scarcely patience could keep; He's so dull that each moment we're ready to doze, Yet so noisy we can't go to sleep.

MDLVIII.--DRY HUMOR.

AN Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman a long stage during torrents of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care about being _very wet_, if I wasn't so _very dry_, your honor."

MDLIX.--CHANGE FOR A GUINEA.

THE beautiful Lady Coventry was exhibiting to Selwyn a splendid new dress, covered with large silver spangles, the size of a shilling, and inquired of him whether he admired her taste. "Why," he said, "you will be _change for a guinea_."

MDLX.--AS BLACK AS HE COULD BE PAINTED.

A LITTLE boy one day came running home, and said, "O father, I've just seen the blackest man that ever was!"--"How black was he, my son?"--"O, he was as black as black can be! why, father, charcoal would make a _white_ mark on him!"

MDLXI.--A MAN AND A BROTHER.

HARRY WOODWARD, walking with a friend, met a most miserable object, who earnestly solicited their charity. On Woodward giving a few pence, his friend said, "I believe that fellow is an impostor."--"He is either the most distressed man, or the best actor, I ever saw in my life," replied the comedian: "and, as _either one or the other, he has a brotherly claim upon me_."

MDLXII.--PULLING UP A POET.

A POET was once walking with T----, in the street, reciting some of his verses. T---- perceiving, at a short distance, a man yawning, pointed him out to the poet, saying, "Not so loud, _he hears you_."

MDLXIII.--AN HONOR TO TIPPERARY.

A GENTLEMAN from Ireland, on entering a London tavern, saw a countryman of his, a Tipperary squire, sitting over his pint of wine in the coffee-room. "My dear fellow," said he, "what are you about? For the honor of Tipperary, don't be after sitting over a pint of wine in a house like this!"--"Make yourself aisy, countryman," was the reply, "It's the _seventh_ I have had, and every one in the room _knows it_."

MDLXIV.--WITTY THANKSGIVING.

BARHAM having sent his friend, Sydney Smith, a brace of pheasants, the present was acknowledged in the following characteristic epistle: "Many thanks, my dear sir, for your kind present of game. If there is a pure and elevated pleasure in this world, it is that of roast pheasant and bread sauce; barn-door fowls for dissenters, but for the real churchman, the thirty-nine times articled clerk, the pheasant, the pheasant.--Ever yours, _S.S._"

MDLXV.--A REASON FOR NOT MOVING.

THOMSON, the author of the "Seasons," was wonderfully indolent. A friend entered his room, and finding him in bed, although the day was far spent, asked him why he did not get up. "Man, I hae _nae motive_," replied the poet.

MDLXVI.--KILLED BY HIS OWN REMEDY.

THE surgeon of an English ship of war used to prescribe salt water for his patients in all disorders. Having sailed one evening on a party of pleasure, he happened by some mischance to be drowned. The captain, who had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day if he had heard anything of the doctor. "Yes," answered Jack: "he was drowned last night in his _own medicine chest_."

MDLXVII.--NOTHING SURPRISING.

ADMIRAL LEE, when only a post captain, being on board his ship one very rainy and stormy night, the officer of the watch came down to his cabin and cried, "Sir, the sheet-anchor is coming home."--"Indeed," says the captain, "I think the sheet-anchor is perfectly in the _right_ of it. I don't know what would _stay out_ such a stormy night as this."

MDLXVIII.--RUNNING NO RISK.

"I'M very much surprised," quoth Harry, "That Jane a gambler should marry." "I'm not at all," her sister says, "You know he has such _winning ways_!"

MDLXIX.--A HUMORIST PIQUED.

THEODORE HOOK was relating to his friend, Charles Mathews, how, on one occasion, when supping in the company of Peake, the latter surreptitiously removed from his plate several slices of tongue; and, affecting to be very much annoyed by such practical joking, Hook concluded with the question, "Now, Charles, what would _you_ do to anybody who treated you in such a manner?"--"Do?" exclaimed Mathews, "if any man meddled with _my_ tongue, I'd _lick_ him!"

MDLXX.--NOT ROOM FOR A NEIGHBOR.

A LANDED proprietor in the small county of Rutland became very intimate with the Duke of Argyle, to whom, in the plenitude of his friendship, he said: "How I wish your estate were in my county!" Upon which the duke replied: "I'm thinking, if it were, there would be _no room for yours_."

MDLXXI.--AN UNEXPECTED CANNONADE.

AT one of the annual dinners of the members of the Chapel Royal, a gentleman had been plaguing Edward Cannon with a somewhat dry disquisition on the noble art of fencing. Cannon for some time endured it with patience; but at length, on the man remarking that Sir George D---- was a great fencer, Cannon, who disliked him, replied, "I don't know, sir, whether Sir George is a great fencer, but Sir George is a great fool!" A little startled, the other rejoined, "Possibly he is; but then, you know, a man may be both."--"_So I see, sir_," said Cannon, turning away.

MDLXXII.--ON BUTLER'S MONUMENT.

WHILE Butler, needy wretch, was yet alive, No generous patron would a dinner give. See him, when starved to death and turned to dust, Presented with a monumental bust. The poet's fate is here in emblem shown,-- He asked for bread, and he received a stone.

MDLXXIII.--A WORD IN SEASON.

MRS. POWELL the actress was at a court of assize when a young barrister, who rose to make his maiden speech, suddenly stopped short and could not proceed. The lady, feeling for his situation, cried out, as though he had been a young actor on his first appearance, "Somebody _give him the word_,--somebody give him the word!"

MDLXXIV.--"GETTING THE WORST OF IT."

PORSON was once disputing with an acquaintance, who, getting the worst of it, said, "Professor, _my opinion_ of you is most contemptible."--"Sir," returned the great Grecian, "I never knew an _opinion_ of yours that was _not contemptible_."

MDLXXV.--A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION.

ONE of the curiosities some time since shown at a public exhibition, professed to be a skull of Oliver Cromwell. A gentleman present observed that it could not be Cromwell's, as he had a very large head, and this was a small skull. "O, I know all that," said the exhibitor, undisturbed, "but you see this was his skull when _he was a boy_."

MDLXXVI.--"I TAKES 'EM AS THEY COME."

A CANTAB, one day observing a _ragamuffin-looking_ boy scratching his head at the door of Alderman Purchase, in Cambridge, where he was begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, "So, Jack, you are picking them out, are you?"--"_Nah, sar_," retorted the urchin; "I _takes_ 'em as they come!"

MDLXXVU.--A CLIMAX.

THE late Earl Dudley wound up an eloquent tribute to the virtues of a deceased Baron of the Exchequer with this pithy peroration: "He was a good man, an excellent man. He had the best _melted butter_ I ever tasted in my life."

MDLXXVIII.--BLANK CARTRIDGE.

EPIGRAM on the occasion of the duel between Tom Moore, the poet, and Francis Jeffrey:--

When Anacreon would fight, as the poets have said, A reverse he displayed in his vapor, For while all his poems were loaded with lead, His pistols were loaded with paper. For excuses, Anacreon old custom may thank, Such a _salvo_ he should not abuse; For the cartridge, by rule, is always made blank, Which is fired away at _Reviews_.

MDLXXIX.--SERMONS IN STONES.

THE Duke of Wellington having had his windows broken by the mob, continued to have boards before the windows of his house in Piccadilly. "Strange that the Duke will not renounce his political errors," said A'Beckett, "seeing that _no pains have been spared_ to convince him of them."

MDLXXX.--EARLY HABITS.

THERE was in Wilkes's time a worthy person, who had risen from the condition of a bricklayer to be an alderman of London. Among other of his early habits, the civic dignitary retained that of eating everything with his fingers. One day a choice bit of turbot having repeatedly escaped from his grasp, Wilkes, who witnessed the dilemma, whispered, "My lord, you had better take your _trowel_ to it."

MDLXXXI.--LAW AND THE SCOTTISH THANE.

DURING the representation of "Macbeth," an eminent special pleader graced the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre, to see it performed. When the hero questions the _Witches_, as to what they are doing: they answer, "a deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention was at that moment directed more to Coke upon Littleton than to Shakespeare, catching, however, the words in the play, repeated, "A _deed_ without a _name_! why, 't is _void_."

MDLXXXII.--NOT TO BE BELIEVED.

THE following lines were addressed to a gentleman notoriously addicted to the vice which has been euphemistically described as "the postponement of the truth for the purposes of the moment":--

Whoe'er would learn a fact from you, Must take you by contraries; What you deny, _perhaps_ is true; But nothing that you _swear_ is.

MDLXXXIII.--A REASON FOR POLYGAMY.

AN Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened a villain? "Please your worship," says Paddy, "I was just trying to _get a good one_."

MDLXXXIV.--BYRON LIBELLOUS.

THE conversation at Holland House turning on first love, Thomas Moore compared it to a potato, "because it shoots from the eyes."--"Or rather," exclaimed Lord Byron, "because it becomes less by _pairing_."

MDLXXXV.--A TERRIBLE POSSIBILITY.

AN acquaintance remarked to Dr. Robert South, the celebrated preacher at the court of Charles the Second, "Ah! doctor, you are such a wit!" The doctor replied, "Don't make game of people's infirmities: _you_, sir, might have been born a wit!"

MDLXXXVI.--ATTIRED TO TIRE.

SIR JOSEPH JEKYLL wrote the following impromptu, on observing a certain sergeant, well known for his prosiness, bustling into the Court of King's Bench, where he was engaged in a case:--

Behold the sergeant full of fire, Long shall his hearers rue it; His purple garments _came from Tyre_, His arguments _go to it_.

MDLXXXVII.--A SMALL JOKE.

MR. DALE, who it would appear was a short stout man, had a person in his employment named Matthew, who was permitted that familiarity with his master which was so characteristic of the former generation. One winter day, Mr. Dale came into the counting-house, and complained that he had fallen on the ice. Matthew, who saw that his master was not much hurt, grinned a sarcastic smile. "I fell all my length," said Mr. Dale. "_Nae great length_, sir," said Matthew. "Indeed, Matthew, ye need not laugh," said Mr. Dale, "I have hurt the sma' of my back."--"I wunner whaur _that_ is," said Matthew.

MDLXXXVIII.--A VAIN THREAT.

"MR. BROWN, I owe you a grudge, remember that!"--"I shall not be frightened then, for I never knew you to _pay_ anything that you owe."

MDLXXXIX.--POOR LAW.

"PRAY, my lord," asked a fashionable lady of Lord Kenyon, "what do you think my son had better do in order to succeed in the law?"--"Let him spend all his money: marry a rich wife, and spend all hers: and when he has _not got a shilling_ in the world, let him attack the law." Such was the advice of an old Chief Justice.

MDXC.--CAUSE AND EFFECT.

IT is too true that there are many patriots, who, while they bleat about the "_cause_ of liberty," act in so interested a manner that they are evidently looking more after the _effects_.

MDXCI.--A FAIR DISTRIBUTION.

WHEN the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the "Revenge," on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the men,--an Irishman,--devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very unusual an attitude exciting his surprise and curiosity he asked the man if he was afraid. "Afraid," answered the tar, "no, your honor; I was only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same proportion _as the prize-money_,--the greatest part _among the officers_."

MDXCII.--SOMETHING SHARP.

WHEN we heard ---- say a thing of some acidity the other night in the House of Commons, the honorable member reminded us of a calf's head with a lemon in it.--G. A'B.

MDXCIII.--AN AFFECTIONATE HINT.

A NAMESAKE of Charles Fox having been hung at Tyburn, the latter inquired of George Selwyn whether he had attended the execution? "No," was his reply, "I make a point of never attending _rehearsals_!"

MDXCIV.--A SIMILE.

VANE'S speeches to an hour-glass, Do some resemblance show; Because the longer time they run, The shallower they grow!

MDXCV.--A WIDE DIFFERENCE.

ROWLAND HILL rode a great deal, and exercise preserved him in vigorous health. On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what physician and apothecary he employed, to be always so well, he replied, "My physician has always been a _horse_, and my apothecary an _ass_!"

MDXCVI.--ASPIRING POVERTY.

A ROMAN Catholic prelate requested Pugin, the architect, to furnish designs, etc., for a new church. It was to be "_very_ large, _very_ handsome, and _very_ cheap"; the parties purposing to erect being "very poor; in fact, having only £----."--"Say _thirty shillings_ more," replied the astonished architect, "and have a tower and spire at once!"

MDXCVII.--A TENDER SUGGESTION.

A BEGGAR in Dublin had been long besieging an old, gouty, testy gentleman, who roughly refused to relieve him. The mendicant civilly replied, "I wish your honor's _heart was as tender as your toes_."

MDXCVIII.--SUDDEN FREEDOM.

A NATION grown free in a single day is a child born with the limbs and the vigor of a man, who would take a drawn sword for his rattle, and set the house in a blaze, that he might chuckle over the splendor.--S.S.

MDXCIX.--EPIGRAM.

THY flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to thee Only in this, that you both painted be.

MDC.--ANSWERING HER ACCORDING TO HER FOLLY.

A LADY having put to Canning the silly question, "Why have they made the spaces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow?" he replied, "O, ma'am, because such _very fat people used to go through_" (a reply concerning which Tom Moore remarked that "the person who does not relish it can have no perception of real wit").

MDCI.--THE SUN IN HIS EYE.

LORD PLUNKETT had a son in the Church at the time the Tithe Corporation Act was passed, and warmly supported the measure. Some one observed, "I wonder how it is that so sensible a man as Plunkett _cannot see_ the imperfections in the Tithe Corporation Act!"--"Pooh! pooh!" said Norbury, "the reason's plain enough; he has _the sun (son) in his eye_."

MDCII.--A BRIGHT REJOINDER.

AN Englishman paying an Irish shoeblack with rudeness, the "dirty urchin" said, "My honey, all the _polish_ you have is upon your boots and I gave you that."

MDCIII.--WELL TURNED.

ON the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from court, on the ground that he was _cabinet-making_. The chancellor maliciously disclosed the excuse on his return. "O, indeed, my lord, that is an occupation in which my friend would distance me, as I was never a _turner_ or a _joiner_."

MDCIV.--A QUICK LIE.

A CONCEITED coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish laborer, "Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you can, and I'll treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch."--"By my word," said Pat, "an' yer honor's a _gintleman_!"

MDCV.--A MERRY THOUGHT.

THEY cannot be complete in aught Who are not humorously prone; A man without a merry thought Can hardly have a funny bone.

MDCVI.--AN IMPUDENT WIT.

HOOK one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention directed to a very pompous gentleman, who strutted along as if the street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion, Hook went up to the stranger and said, "I beg your pardon sir, but pray may I ask,--_are you anybody in particular_?" Before the astonished magnifico could collect himself so as to reply practically or otherwise to the query, Hook had passed on.

MDCVII.--WEARING AWAY.

A SCHOOLMASTER said of himself: "I am like a _hone_, I sharpen a number of _blades_, but I wear myself in doing it."

MDCVIII.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.

JUDGE JEFFREYS, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who was about to be tried), said, "There is a great rogue at the end of my cane." The man pointed at, inquired, "_At which end_, my lord?"

MDCIX.--A BASE JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN one day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the _lowest_ of wit. "It is," answered Erskine, "and therefore the _foundation_ of all wit."

MDCX.--A WIDE-AWAKE MINISTER.

LORD NORTH'S good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a graver minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one occasion, an opposition debater, supposing him to be napping, exclaimed, "Even now, in these perils, the noble lord is asleep!"--"I wish _I was_," suddenly interposed the weary minister.

MDCXI.--ON CARDINAL WOLSEY.

BEGOT by butchers, but by bishops bred, How high his honor holds his haughty head!

MDCXII.--NOT FINDING HIMSELF.

"HOW do you find yourself to-day," said an old friend to Jack Reeve, as he met him going in dinner costume to the city. "Thank you," he replied, "the Lord Mayor _finds me_ to-day."

MDCXIII.--A WITTY PROPOSITION.

SHERIDAN, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room as all the members were seated and ready to commence business. Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a droll expression of countenance, said: "Will any gentleman _move_ that I may take the _chair_?"

MDCXIV.--A WARM MAN.

A MAN with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied that he kept a _hot-house_.

MDCXV.--LONG AGO.

A LADY, who was very submissive and modest before marriage, was observed by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. "There was a time," he remarked, "when I almost imagined she had _no tongue_."--"Yes," said the husband, with a sigh, "but it's very _very long_ since!"

MDCXVI.--AN UNLIKELY RESULT.

WHEN Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him "suche poore cheere" as he had; to which the ex-chancellor replied, "Assure yourself, master lieutenant, I do not mislike my cheer; but whensoever so I do, _then thrust me out of your doors_."

MDCXVII.--POLITICAL LOGIC.

IF two decided negatives will make Together one affirmative, let's take P----t's and L----t's, each a rogue _per se_, Who by this rule an honest pair will be.

MDCXVIII.--A WISE DECISION.

A GENTLEMAN going to take water at Whitehall stairs, cried out, as he came near the place, "Who can swim?"--"I, master," said forty bawling mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after him; but the fellow turning about, said, "Sir, I cannot swim,"--"Then you are my man," said the gentleman, "for you will at least _take care of me for your own sake_."

MDCXIX.--A POINT NEEDING TO BE SETTLED.

A SCOTTISH minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little he opened the door and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice, "I should like to know who is the head of this house?"--"Weel, sir," said the husband and father, "if ye sit doon a wee, we'll maybe be able to tell ye, for we're _just trying to settle that point_."

MDCXX.--A POOR LAUGH.

CURRAN was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who was familiar with the dry-as-dust black-letter law books, but could never comprehend a jest, when the witness began to laugh before the learned counsel had asked him a question. "What are you laughing at, friend," said Curran, "what are you laughing at? Let me tell you that a laugh without a joke is like--is like--"--"Like what, Mr. Curran," asked the judge, imagining he was at fault. "Just exactly, my lord, like a _contingent remainder_ without any particular _estate_ to support it."

MDCXXI.--AN ANTICIPATED CALAMITY.

ON the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: "Good by, my dear Selwyn; I hope you will not _disagree_ with the man who eats you!"

MDCXXII.--MATRIMONY.

"MY dear, what makes you always yawn?" The wife exclaimed, her temper gone, "Is home so dull and dreary?" "Not so, my love," he said, "Not so; But man and wife are _one_, you know; And when _alone_ I'm weary!"

MDCXXIII.--DRY, BUT NOT THIRSTY.

CURRAN, conversing with Sir Thomas Turton, happened to remark that he could never speak in public for a quarter of an hour without moistening his lips; to which Sir Thomas replied that, in that respect, he had the advantage of him: "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the House of Commons for five hours, on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the least thirsty."--"It _is_ very remarkable indeed" rejoined Curran, "for every one agrees that was the _driest_ speech of the session."

MDCXXIV.--SHAKESPEARIAN GROG.

AS for the brandy, "nothing extenuate,"--and the water, "put naught in, in malice."

MDCXXV.--A JURY CASE.

CURRAN, speaking of his loss of business in the Court of Chancery caused by Lord Clare's hostility to him, and of the consequent necessity of resuming _nisi prius_ business, said: "I had been under full sail to fortune; but the tempest came, and nearly wrecked me, and ever since I have been only bearing up under _jury_-masts."

MDCXXVI.--SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.

LORD ALVANLEY, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the hackney-coachman who had driven him to and from the scene of the encounter. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, "My Lord, I only took you to--" Alvanley interrupted him with, "My friend, the guinea is for _bringing me back_, not for taking me out."

MDCXXVII.--"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."

A DYING miser sent for his solicitor, and said, "Now begin, and I will dictate particulars."--"I give and I bequeath," commenced the man of law. "No, no," interrupted the testator; "I do nothing of the kind; I will never give or bequeath anything: I cannot do it."--"Well, then," suggested the attorney, after some consideration, "suppose you say, 'I _lend_, until the last day?'"--"Yes, yes, _that will do_," eagerly rejoined the miser.

MDCXXVIII.--AN ENDLESS TASK.

WHO seeks to please all men each way, And not himself offend, He may begin his work to-day, But who knows when he'll end?

MDCXXIX.--PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION.

MISS KELLY standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her understand that he knew who she was, exclaimed, "Ah! it's all over with the _drama_, if we don't encourage one another."

MDCXXX.--A CELESTIAL VISION.

QUIN, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than men, replied, "It is in conformity with the other arrangements of Nature, madam; we always see more of _heaven than earth_."

MDCXXXI.--DESTITUTION OF THE SMITH FAMILY.

ONE morning a pompous little man called upon Sydney Smith, saying that, being about to compile a history of distinguished families in Somersetshire, he had called to obtain the Smith _arms_. "I regret, sir," said the reverend wit, "not to be able to contribute to so valuable a work; but _the Smiths_ never had any _arms_, and have invariably sealed their letters with their _thumbs_."

MDCXXXII.--UNCIVIL WARNING.

A CELEBRATED professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and silly chatterer, was asked to help her to the usual concomitant of boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, "Parsley,--_fatal to parrots_."

MDCXXXIII.--AN INEVITABLE MISFORTUNE.

WHEN Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him for being a Scotchman. "I find," said he, "that I am come to London at a bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North Britons; but when I am talking to you, I am talking to a large and liberal mind, and you know that I cannot _help coming from Scotland_."--"Sir," replied the doctor, archly, "_no more_ can the rest of your countrymen."

MDCXXXIV.--DONE FOR.

TWO gentlemen were lately examining the breast of a plough on a stall in a market-place. "I'll bet you a crown," said one, "you don't know what it's for."--"Done," said the other. "_It is for sale_." The bet was paid.

MDCXXXV.--A PROBLEM FOR TOTAL ABSTAINERS.

THOMAS HOOD says: "Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. _Pints_ cannot be deemed _pot_ations."

MDCXXXVI.--THE DOG TAX.

BROWN drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold remarked to Brown, "Have you heard the rumor that's flying about town?"--"No."--"Well, they say that Jones _pays the dog-tax for you_."

MDCXXXVII.--A PUN WITH AN IRISH ACCENT.

HOOD described a good church minister as "Piety _parsonified_."

MDCXXXVIII.--A NEW WAY WITH ATTORNEYS.

ONE day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an attorney, was complaining of the great expense of a funeral cavalcade in the country. "Why, do you _bury_ your attorneys here?" asked Foote. "Yes, to be sure we do: how else?"--"O, we never do that in London."--"No?" said the other, much surprised; "how do you manage, then?"--"Why, when the patient happens to die, we lay him out in a room over night by himself, lock the door, throw open the window, and in the morning he is gone."--"Indeed!" exclaimed the farmer, with amazement; "what becomes of him?"--"Why, that we cannot exactly tell; all we know is, there's _a strong smell of brimstone in the room the next morning_."

MDCXXXIX.--THE DOUBT EXPLAINED.

A MAN with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, "You are always making observations upon _my nose_; perhaps you think it was made at the _expense_ of yours."

MDCXL.--A YOKSHIRE BULL.

A YORKSHIRE clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely remarking: "If all the world were blind, what a melancholy _sight_ it would be!"

MDCXLI.--A ONE-SIDED JOKE.

A LADY requested her husband's permission to wear _rouge_. "I can give you permission, my dear," he replied, "only for _one_ cheek."

MDCXLII.--TWO CURES FOR AGUE.

BISHOP BLOMFIELD, when presiding over the diocese of London, had occasion to call the attention of the Essex incumbents to the necessity of residing in their parishes; and he reminded them that curates were, after all, of the same flesh and blood as rectors, and that the residence which was possible for the one, could not be quite impossible for the other. "Besides," added he, "there are two well-known preservatives against ague; the one is, a _good deal of care_ and a _little port wine_; the other, a _little care_ and a _good deal of port wine_. I prefer the former; but if any of the clergy prefer the _latter_, it is at all events a remedy which _incumbents_ can afford better than _curates_."

MDCXLIII.--A QUESTION OF DESCENT.

A YORKSHIRE nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent, said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with proper respect: "Do you know, fellow, that my ancestors came over with William the Conqueror?"--"And, perhaps," retorted the sturdy Saxon, "they _found mine here_ when they comed."

MDCXLIV.--PLEASANT FOR A FATHER.

A LAIRD'S eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, "I am going to send the young laird abroad."--"What for?" asks the tenant. Laird answered, "To see the world." Tenant replied, "But lordsake, laird, will no the world see _him_?"

MDCXLV.--A RULE OF PRACTICE.

IT was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for himself without a _fee_, and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea out of one pocket and put it _into the other_.

MDCXLVI.--WITS AGREEING.

WHEN Foote was one day lamenting his growing old, a _pert_ young fellow asked him what he would give to be as _young_ as he. "I would be content," cried Foote, "to be as _foolish_." Jerrold made a similar reply to an empty-headed fellow who boasted of never being seasick. "Never!" said Douglas; "then I'd almost have your head with your stomach."

MDCXLVII.--LITERARY PASTIME.

ONCE a gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shaping a great many things out of orange-peel, was displaying his abilities at a dinner-party before Theodore Hook and Mr. Thomas Hill, and succeeded in counterfeiting a pig. Mr. Hill tried the same feat; and, after destroying and strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave it up, with the exclamation, "Hang the pig! I _can't_ make him."--"Nay, Hill," exclaimed Hook, glancing at the mess on the table, "you have done more; instead of one pig, you have made a _litter_."

MDCXLVIII.--A FREE TRANSLATION.

MANNERS, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More "he was too much elated with his preferment; that he verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mores.'"--"No, my lord," said Sir Thomas, "the pun will do much better in English, 'Honors _change_ Manners.'"

MDCXLIX.--AN EQUIVOCAL PREFERENCE.

A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship and marriage,--how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her enraptured sight, and she accepted him as her husband. Jerrold listened to the end of the story, and then quietly remarked, "Ah! she evidently thought you better than _nun_."

MDCL.--RECIPROCAL ACTION.

A VERY fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his mouth open. "Sir," said the doctor, "your disease is incurable. Your skin is _too short_, so that when you shut your eyes your mouth opens."

MDCLI.--ACRES AND WISEACRES.

A WEALTHY but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that "No one should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed property."--"May I ask, sir," replied Curran, "how many acres make a _wise-acre_?"

MDCLII.--AN UNEQUAL ARRANGEMENT.

TWO young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their expenses, agreed the one to _board_, and the other to _lodge_.

MDCLIII.--A REASON FOR BEING TOO LATE.

CANNING and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge: the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen struggling with his fate. "I wonder," said the gentleman, "that the elephant did not secure _an inside_ place."--"He was too late, my friend," replied Canning; "he was detained _packing up his trunk_."

MDCLIV.--COOL AS A CUCUMBER.

SOME one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the cold-heartedness of the Duke of Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing up to the embrace of her son, whom she had not seen for a considerable time, and insisting on her receiving him in state. "How horribly _cold_ it was," said the narrator. "Yes," replied Lamb, in his stuttering way; "but you know he is the, Duke of _Cu-cum-ber-land_."

MDCLV.--AN AMPLE APOLOGY.

A CLERGYMAN at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors commended. "Yes," said the gentleman to whom it was mentioned, "it was a good sermon, but he stole it." This was repeated to the preacher, who resented it, and called on the gentleman to retract. "I will," replied the aggressor. "I said you had stolen the sermon. I find I was wrong, for on referring to the book whence I thought it was taken, _I found it there_."

MDCLVI.--FUNERAL INVITATION.

SIR BOYLE ROACH had a servant who was as great an original as his master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upon a gentleman, who had been a most intimate friend of Sir Boyle, for the purpose of telling him that the time at which the funeral was to have taken place had been changed. "Sir," says he, "my master _sends his compliments_ to you, and he won't be buried till to-morrow evening."

MDCLVII.--A SUPERFLUOUS SCRAPER.

FOOTE, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh discord under his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request that he would play elsewhere, as _one scraper at the door_ was sufficient.

MDCLVIII.--COMPARATIVE VIRTUE.

A SHOPKEEPER at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the _little rascal_. A stranger asked him why this appellation had been given to him. "To distinguish me from the rest of my trade," quoth he, "who are all _great rascals_."

MDCLIX.--GARTH AND ROWE.

DOCTOR GARTH, who used frequently to go to the Wit's Coffee House, the Cocoa-Tree, in St. James's Street, was sitting there one morning conversing with two persons of rank, when Rowe, the poet, who was seldom very attentive to his dress and appearance, but still insufferably vain of being noticed by persons of consequence, entered. Placing himself in a box nearly opposite to that in which the doctor sat, he looked constantly round with a view of catching his eye; but not succeeding, he desired the waiter to ask him for his snuff-box, which he knew to be a valuable one, set with diamonds, and the present of some foreign prince. After taking a pinch, he returned the box, but asked for it again so repeatedly, that Garth, who knew him well, perceived the drift, and taking from his pocket a pencil, wrote on the lid the two Greek characters, [Greek: Ph R] (phi, rho) _Fie! Rowe!_ The poet was so mortified, that he quitted the room immediately.

MDCLX.--A SECRET DISCOVERED.

'T IS clear why Twister, wretched rat, Always abuses in his chatter: He's truly such a thorough flat, We can't expect to see him _flatter_.

MDCLXI.--INTERESTED INQUIRY.

AN attorney-general politely inquired after the health of a distinguished judge. "Mr. Attorney," was the reply, "_I am in horrible good health at present_."

MDCLXII.--A BEARABLE PUN.

AN illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Harrogate, "_Bear_ sold here."--"He spells the word quite correctly," said Theodore Hook, "if he means to apprise us that the article is his own _Bruin_."

MDCLXIII.--CITY GLUTTON.

THE celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his promotion to city honors. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, a great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always with great deliberation took off his wig, suspended it on a pin, and with due solemnity put on a white cotton nightcap. Wilkes, who certainly was a high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar exhibitions, could not take his eyes from so strange and novel a picture. At length the deputy, with unblushing familiarity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked him whether he did not think that his nightcap became him. "O, yes, sir," replied Wilkes, "but it would look much better if it was pulled quite _over_ your face."

MDCLXIV.--A PRETTY REPLY.

LORD MELBOURNE, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform Club, jocosely remarked to Alexis Soyer, _chef de cuisine_, that his female assistants were all very pretty. "Yes, my lord," replied Soyer; "_plain_ cooks will not do here."

MDCLXV.--A CONVENIENT THEORY.

AT charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a hint to that effect, he made the following speech: "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so does I. Charity's a private concern, and what I gives is _nothing to nobody_."

MDCLXVI.--BUT ONE GOOD TRANSLATION.

DRYDEN'S translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, "The original is indeed excellent; but everything suffers by a _translation_,--except a _bishop_!"

MDCLXVII.--PHILIP, EARL OF STANHOPE.

PHILIP, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord Stanhope was resolved to get into the House without explaining who he was; and the doorkeeper, equally determined on his part, said to him, "Honest man, you have no business here. _Honest man_ you _can_ have no business _in this place_."--"I believe," rejoined his lordship, "you are right; _honest men_ can have no business here."

MDCLXVIII.--RIGID IMPARTIALITY.

SYDNEY SMITH, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the _Edinburgh Review_, found him reading a book preparatory to writing an account of it, and expostulated with him. "Why, how do you manage?" asked his friend. "I never," said the wit, "read a book _before_ reviewing it; _it prejudices one so_."

MDCLXIX.--WHITBREAD'S ENTIRE.

ON the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was returned, Mr. Denis O'Brien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that "there were thousands in Westminster who would sooner vote for the Duke of Northumberland's porter, than give their support to a man of talent and probity, like Mr. Sheridan." Mr. Whitbread, alarmed for the interests of Mr. S. by the intemperate language of his agent, wished him to take some public notice of it in the way of censure; but Sheridan only observed, "that to be sure his friend O'Brien was wrong and intemperate, as far as related to the Duke of Northumberland's porter; though he had no doubt there were thousands in Westminster who would give the preference to Mr. Whitbread's _entire_."

MDCLXX.--A FOOL AND HIS MONEY.

A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when sixpence would have been enough, remarked that "He knew no difference between a _shilling_ and _sixpence_."--"But you will, young gentleman," an old economist replied, "when you come to be _worth eighteen-pence_."

MDCLXXI.--A GRIM JOKE.

DANIEL DEFOE said there was only this difference between the fates of Charles the First and his son James the Second,--that the former's was a _wet_ martyrdom, and the other's a _dry one_.

MDCLXXII.--INSURANCE ASSURANCE.

THE collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually successful in the collection, as he fancied he saw an agent to one of the fire-offices put a note into the box. On examining the contents, however, he found that the note had not issued from any bank, but merely bore these admonitory words, "Let them _insure_, as they wish to be saved."

MDCLXXIII.--GENUINE LAZINESS.

A YOUNG farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have been at work. "What is this?" cried the youth; "why, me, you are so indolent, that I would give a crown to know which is the most lazy of you."--"I am he," cried the one nearest to him, still stretching himself at his ease. "Here then" said the youth, holding out the money. "O, Master George," said the fellow, folding his arms, "do pray take the trouble of _putting it into my pocket_ for me."

MDCLXXIV.--CUTTING.

A COUNTRY editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that "The pen was mightier than the sword," ought to have spoken a good word for the "scissors." Jerrold called scissors "an editor's steel-pen."

MDCLXXV.--GONE OUT.

A PERSON calling one day on a gentleman at the west end of the town, where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the servant that her master had gone out. "O, well, never mind, I'll speak to your mistress."--"She's also gone out, sir." The gentleman, not willing to be denied admission, said, as it was a cold day, he would step in, and sit down by the fire a few minutes. "Ah! sir, but it is _gone out_ too," replied the girl.

MDCLXXVI.--A GOOD JUDGE.

"HONESTY is the best policy," said a Scotchman. "I know it, my friend, for _I have tried baith_."

MDCLXXVII.--MR. CHARLES YORKE.

WHEN Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial for having the largest and most hideous face that ever was seen. Mr. Yorke, in thanking him, said, "Sir, I have great reason to be thankful to my friends in general, but confess myself under a particular obligation to _you_ for the _very remarkable countenance_ you have _shown_ me upon this occasion."

MDCLXXVIII.--THE SALIC LAW

IS a most sensible and valuable law, banishing gallantry and chivalry from Cabinets, and preventing the amiable antics of grave statesmen.

MDCLXXIX.--CHARLES JAMES FOX.

AFTER Byron's engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox had a duel with Mr. Adam. On receiving that gentleman's ball, and finding that it had made but little impression, he exclaimed, "Egad, Adam, it had been all over with me, if you had not charged with _government powder_!"

MDCLXXX.--PREFERMENT.

AMONG the daly inquirers after the health of an aged Bishop of D----m, during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than the Bishop of E----r; and the invalid seemed to think that other motives than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One morning he ordered the messenger to be shown into his room, and thus addressed him: "Be so good as present my compliments to my Lord Bishop, and tell him that I am better, much better; but that the Bishop of W----r has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, _if that will do_."

MDCLXXXI.--COMPLIMENTARY.

A GENTLEMAN dining at an hotel, was annoyed by a stupid waiter continually coming hovering round the table, and desired him to retire. "Excuse me, sir," said Napkin, drawing himself up, "but I'm _responsible_ for the silver."

MDCLXXXII.--DR. DONNE.

DR. DONNE, the Dean of St. Paul's, having married a lady of a rich and noble family without the consent of the parents, was treated with great asperity. Having been told by the father that he was to expect no money from him, the doctor went home and wrote the following note to him: "John Donne, Anne Donne, _undone_." This quibble had the desired effect, and the distressed couple were restored to favor.

MDCLXXXIII.--VULGARITY.

SIR WALTER SCOTT once happening to hear his daughter Anne say of something, that it was _vulgar_, gave the young lady the following temperate rebuke: "My love, you speak like a very young lady; do you know, after all, the meaning of this word _vulgar_? 'Tis only _common_; nothing that is common, except wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of in a tone of contempt; and when you have lived to my years, you will be disposed to agree with me in thanking God that nothing really worth having or caring about in this world is _uncommon_."

MDCLXXXIV.--AN EXPENSIVE JOB.

A GENTLEMAN passing a country church while under repair, observed to one of the workmen, that he thought it would be an expensive job. "Why, yes," replied he; "but in my opinion we shall accomplish what our reverend divine has endeavored to do, for the last thirty years, in vain."--"What is that?" said the gentleman. "Why, bring all the parish _to repentance_."

MDCLXXXV.--PROSINESS.

A PROSY old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that "he really thought he should have _died_ with laughter."--"I wish to heaven you had," was Jerrold's reply.

MDCLXXXVI.--A PLEASANT MESSAGE.

MR. BARTLEMAN, a celebrated bass-singer, was taken ill, just before the commencement of the musical festival at Gloucester: another basso was applied to, at a short notice, who attended, and acquitted himself to the satisfaction of everybody. When he called on the organist to be paid, the latter thanked him most cordially for the noble manner in which he had sung; and concluded with the following very complimentary and pleasant message: "When you see poor Bartleman, give my best regards _to him_; and tell him how much we _missed him_ during the festival!"

MDCLXXXVII.--EXISTENCE OF MATTER.

AS Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on the shoulder with his cane. The dean starting, called out, "_What's the matter_?" His acquaintance, looking him steadily in the face, replied, "_No matter, Berkeley_."

MDCLXXXVIII.--A SAUCY ANSWER.

A BARRISTER attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had _brass_ enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, "and you have _sauce_ enough to fill it."

MDCLXXXIX.--QUAINT EPITAPH.

DR. FULLER having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for him, received the following:

"_Here lies Fuller's earth_!"

MDCXC.--AN INHOSPITABLE IRISHMAN.

SIR BOYLE ROACH, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal invitation to an Irish nobleman of his acquaintance: "I hope, my Lord, if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you'll _stay there all night_." When he was suffering from an attack of gout, he thus rebuked his shoemaker: "O, you're a precious blockhead to do directly the reverse of what I desired you. I told you to make one of the shoes _larger_ than the other, and instead of that you have made one of them _smaller_ than the other!"

MDCXCI.--GOOD ENOUGH FOR A PIG.

AN IRISH peasant being asked why he permitted his pig to take up its quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical _naïveté_: "Why not? Doesn't the place afford every convenience that _a pig can require_?"

MDCXCII.--FARCICAL.

IN Bannister's time, a farce was performed under the title of "Fire and Water."--"I predict its fate," said he. "What fate?" whispered the anxious author at his side. "What fate!" said Bannister; "why, what can fire and water produce but a _hiss_?"

MDCXCIII.--TOO MUCH AT ONCE.

LORD CHESTERFIELD one day, at an inn where he dined, complained very much that the plates and dishes were very dirty. The waiter, with a degree of pertness, observed, "It is said every one must _eat a peck of dirt_ before he dies."--"That may be true," said Chesterfield, "but no one is obliged to eat it all _at one meal_, you dirty dog."

MDCXCIV.--EPIGRAM.

(On Bishop ----'s Religion.)

THOUGH not a Catholic, his lordship has, 'Tis plain, strong disposition to a-mass (a mass).

MDCXCV.--POSSIBLE CENSORS.

DR. CADOGAN was boasting of the eminence of his profession, and spoke loudly against the injustice of the world, which was so satirical against it; "but," he added, "I have escaped, for no one complains of me."--"That is more than you can tell, doctor," said a lady who was present, "unless you know what people _say in the other world_."

MDCXCVI.--A CONNUBIAL COMPLIMENT.

A LADY, walking with her husband at the seaside, inquired of him the difference between _exportation_ and _transportation_. "Why, my dear," he replied, "if you were on board yonder vessel, leaving England, _you_ would be _exported_, and _I_ should be _transported_!"

MDCXCVII.--DOUBLE SIGHT.

A MAN with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. "You have lost," says the first; "I can see the _two_ eyes in your face, and you can see only _one_ in mine."

MDCXCVIII.--WITTY AT HIS OWN EXPENSE.

SHERIDAN was once asked by a gentleman: "How is it that your name has not an O prefixed to it? Your family is Irish, and no doubt illustrious."--"No family," replied Sheridan, "has a better right to an O than our family; for, in truth, we _owe_ everybody."

MDCXCIX.--A CONVERSATIONAL EPIGRAM.

SAID Bluster to Whimple, "You juvenile fool, Get out of my way, do you hear?" Said Whimple, "A fool did you say? by that rule I'm much _in your way_ as I fear."

MDCC.--A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT.

THE late Lord Dudley and Ward was one of the most absent of men. Meeting Sydney Smith one day in the street, he invited him to meet himself! "Dine with me to-day,--dine with me to-day,--I will get Sydney Smith to meet you." The witty canon admitted the temptation held out to him, but said, "_he was engaged with him elsewhere_."

MDCCI.--A ROYAL JEST.

A CAPTAIN, remarkable for his uncommon height, being one day at the rooms at Bath, the late Princess Amelia was struck with his appearance; and being told that he had been originally intended for the Church, "Rather for the _steeple_," replied the royal humorist.

MDCCII.--EXTREMELY SULPHUROUS.

LORD CHESTERFIELD, being told that a certain termagant and scold was married to a gamester, replied, "that _cards and brimstone_ made the best matches."

MDCCIII.--A JOKE FROM THE NORTH.

THE reigning _bore_ at one time in Edinburgh was Professor L----; his favorite subject the _North Pole_. One day the arch tormentor met Jeffrey in a narrow lane, and began instantly on the North Pole. Jeffrey, in despair, and out of all patience, darted past him, exclaiming, "Hang the North Pole!" Sydney Smith met Mr. L---- shortly after, boiling over with indignation at Jeffrey's contempt of the North Pole. "O, my dear fellow," said Sydney, "never mind; no one minds what Jeffrey says, you know; he is a privileged person,--he respects nothing, absolutely nothing. Why, you will scarcely credit it, but it is not more than a week ago that I heard him speak disrespectfully of the _Equator_."

MDCCIV.--MULTIPLYING ONE.

SYDNEY SMITH once said: "I remember entering a room with glass all round it at the French embassy, and saw myself reflected on every side. I took it for a _meeting of the clergy_, and was delighted of course."

MDCCV.--AN AFFIRMATIVE EPIGRAM.

WHEN Julia was asked, if to church she would go, The fair one replied to me, "No, Richard, no." At her meaning I ventured a pretty good guess, For from grammar I learned _No_ and _No_ stood for _Yes_.

MDCCVI.--THE RULING PASSION.

A LADY'S beauty is dear to her at all times. A very lovely woman, worn out with a long and painful sickness, begged her attendants to desist rubbing her temples with Hungary water, _as it would make her hair gray_!

MDCCVII.--INDIFFERENCE TO DEATH.

A PRISONER, who had received notice that he was to die the next morning, was asked by some of his unfortunate companions to share their repast with them. He answered, "I never eat anything that I expect will _not digest_."

MDCCVIII.--SELF-INTEREST.

THOSE who wish to tax anything containing _intelligence_, must be actuated by selfish views, seeing that it is an imposition of which they are not likely to feel _the burden_.

MDCCIX.--ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

A GLASGOW professor met a poor student passing along one of the courts, and remarked to him that his gown was very short. "_It will be long enough before I get another_," answered the student. The reply tickled the professor's fancy so much that he continued in a state of suppressed laughter after passing on. Meeting a brother professor, who asked him what was amusing him so much, he told the story with a slightly varied reading. "I asked that fellow why he had so short a gown, and he answered, _it will be a long time before I get another_."--"Well, there's nothing very funny in that."--"Neither there is," said the professor, "I don't understand how it amused me so much. It must have been something in _the way he said it_."

MDCCX.--FOOTE'S LAST JOKE.

WHEN Foote was on his way to France, for change of air, he went into the kitchen at the inn at Dover, to order a particular dish for dinner. The true English cook boasted that she had never set foot out of her country. On this, the invalid gravely observed, "Why, cookey, that's very extraordinary, as they tell me up stairs that you have been several times _all over grease_!"--"They may tell you what they please above or below stairs," replied the cook, "but I was never ten miles from Dover in my life!"--"Nay, now, that must be a _fib_," says Foote, "for I have myself seen you at _Spithead_!" The next day (October 21, 1777) the exhausted wit "shuffled off this mortal coil."

MDCCXI.--_L'Envoy_.

THERE is so much genuine humor in the following jocular DINNER CODE, that we cannot do better than close our little volume with it.

DINNER CODE.

_Of the Amphitryon.--His Rights._

Art. 1.--The Amphitryon is the king of the table: his empire lasts as long as the meal, and ends with it.

Art. 2.--It is lawful for his glass to exceed in capacity those of his guests.

Art. 3.--He may be lively with his male guests, and gallant towards the females; to such of them as are pretty he may risk a compliment or two, which is sure to be received from him with an approving smile.

_His Duties._

Art. 1.--Fulfilling to the utmost the laws of hospitality, he watches with paternal solicitude over the welfare of the stomachs committed to his care; reassures the timid, encourages the modest, and incites the vigorous appetite.

Art. 2.--He must abstain from praising either his dishes or his wines.

Art. 3.--He is not to take advantage of his situation to utter stale jests or vulgar puns. A careful perusal of "The Jest Book" will be his best security against a violation of this _article_.

Art. 4.--The police of the table belongs of right to him; he should never permit a plate or a glass to be either full or empty.

Art. 5.--On rising from table, he should cast a scrutinizing glance over the glasses. If he sees them not quite emptied, let him take warning by it to choose either his guests or his wine better for the future.

_Of the Guests._

Art. 1.--The first duty of a guest is to arrive at the time named, at whatever inconvenience to himself.

Art. 2.--When the Amphitryon offers any dish to a guest, his only civil way of declining it is by requesting to be helped a second time to that of which he has just partaken.

Art. 3.--A guest who is a man of the world will never begin a conversation until the first course is over; up to that point, dinner is a serious affair, from which the attention of the party ought not to be inconsiderately distracted.

Art. 4.--Whatever conversation is going on ought to be suspended, even in the middle of a sentence, upon the entrance of a _dinde aux truffes_.

Art. 5.--An applauding laugh is indispensable to every joke of the Amphitryon.

Art. 6.--A guest is culpable who speaks ill of his entertainer during the first three hours after dinner. Gratitude should last at least as long as digestion.

Art. 7.--To leave anything on your plate is to insult your host in the person of his cook.

Art. 8.--A guest who leaves the table deserves the fate of a soldier who deserts.

_On Vicinity to Ladies._

Art. 1.--He who sits next to a lady becomes at once her _cavaliere servente_. He is bound to watch over her glass with as much interest as over his own.

Art. 2.--The gentleman owes aid and protection to his fair neighbor in the selection of food; the lady on her part is bound to respect and obey the recommendations of her knight on this subject.

Art. 3.--It is bad taste for the gentleman to advance beyond politeness during the first course; in the second, however, he is bound to be complimentary; and he is at liberty to glide into tenderness with the dessert.

_On Vicinity to Men._

Art. 1.--When two gentlemen sit together, they owe no duties to each other beyond politeness and reciprocal offers of wine and water,--the _last_ offer becomes an error after one refusal.

Art. 2.--On being helped to a dish, you should at once accept any precedence offered you by your neighbor; ceremony serves only to cool the plate in question for both parties.

Art. 3.--If you sit near the Amphitryon, your criticisms on the repast must be conveyed in a whisper; aloud you can do nothing but approve.

Art. 4.--Under no pretext can two neighbors at table be permitted to converse together on their private affairs, unless, indeed, one of them is inviting the other to dinner.

Art. 5.--Two neighbors who understand each other may always get more wine than the rest of the guests; they have only to say by turns to each other, with an air of courtesy, "Shall we take some wine?"

_On Vicinity to Children._

Single Article.--The only course to be pursued, if you have the misfortune to be placed next a child at table, is to make him tipsy as quick as you can, that he may be sent out of the room by Mamma.

_On the Means of reconciling Politeness with Egotism._

Art. 1.--The epicure's serious attention should be fixed upon the articles on the table; he may lavish his politeness, his wit, and his gayety upon the people who sit round it.

Art. 2.--By helping the dish next yourself (should you not dine _à la Russe_) you acquire a right to be helped to any other dish on the table.

Art. 3.--A carver must be very unskilful who cannot, by a little sleight-of-hand, smuggle aside the best morsel of a dish, and thus, when serving himself _last_, serve himself also the _best_.

Art. 4.--Your host's offers are sometimes insincere when they refer to some magnificent dish yet uncut. In such cases you should refuse feebly for yourself, but accept on behalf of the lady next you,--merely out of politeness to her.

Art. 5.--The thigh of all birds, boiled, is preferable to the wing: never lose sight of this in helping ignoramuses or ladies.

INDEX.

PAGE

A. I, 33

Abbey Church at Bath, The, 244

A Bed of--Where?, 238

Abernethy, Mr., 77

Above Proof, 297

Absent Man, An, 116

Absurdly Logical, 319

Acceptable Deprivation, An, 201

Accommodating, 213

Accommodating Physician, An, 180

Accommodating Principles, 153

Accurate Description, 201

Acres and Wiseacres, 355

Act of Justice, An, 147

Actor, 222

Advantageous Tithe, An, 255

Advertisement, Extraordinary, 88

Advice Gratis, 160

Advice to a Dramatist, 199

Advice to the Young, 138

Affectation, 98

Affectionate Hint, An, 344

Aged Young Lady, The, 235

Agreeable and not Complimentary, 71

Agreeable Practice, An, 248

Agricultural Experiences, 184

Alere Flamman, 252

A-Liquid, 140

Allegorical Representation, 310

All the Difference, 5, 367

All the Same, 314

Almanac-makers, 159

Alone in his Glory, 14

Always the Better, 336

Amende Honorable, The, 310

American Penance, 217

Ample Apology, An, 356

Anecdote, An, 86

Anglo-French Alliance, The, 50

Angry Ocean, The, 81

Answered at Once, 288

Answering her According to her Folly, 345

Anticipated Calamity, An, 349

Anticipation, 110

Any Change for the Better, 220

Any Port in a Storm, 57

Apish Resemblance, An, 322

Apt Reproof, An, 307

Arcadia, 24

Arcadian, An, 128

Architectural Pun, An, 61

Argument, An, 125

Artificial Heat, 28

Artistic Touch, An, 171

As Black as he could be painted, 337

Aspiring Poverty, 345

Assurance and Insurance, 228

As You Like It, 87

At his Fingers' Ends, 106

Attending to a Wish, 169

Attic Jest, An 69

Attired to Tire, 343

Audley, The Late Lord, 130

Auricular Confession, 227

Awkward Orthography, 298

"Aye! There's the Rub", 93

BACK-HANDED HIT, A, 209

Bacon, 138

Bad Bargain, A, 131

Bad Company, 166

Bad Crop, A, 18, 58

Bad Customer, A, 96

Bad End, A, 153

Bad Example, A, 1

Bad Habit, 136

Bad Harvest, A, 23

Bad Judge, A, 287

Bad Label, A, 92

Bad Lot, A, 182

Bad Medium, A, 217

Bad Pen, A, 72

Bad Preacher, A, 226

Bad Shot, A, 12

Bad Sport, 146

Balance, A, 233

Balancing Accounts, 66

Banker's Check, A, 17

Barber Shaved by a Lawyer, 305

Bark and Bite, 231

Barry's Powers of Pleasing, 34

Base Joke, A, 347

Base One, A, 97

Bearable Pun, A, 358

Bear and Van, 16

Bearding a Barber, 2

Benefit of Competition, 212

Best Judge, The, 110

Best Wine, The, 193

Better Known than Trusted, 193

Betting, 155

Bewick, the Engraver, 194

Bill Paid in Full, 228

Billy Brown and the Counsellor, 50

Birth of a Prince, The, 178

Bishop and Churchwarden, A, 71

Bishop and his Portmanteau, The, 55

Bit of Moonshine, A, 335

Black and White, 19

Black Joke, A, 159

Black Letter, 101

Black Oils, 18

Blowing a Nose, 55

## Book Case, A, 70

Boswell's "Life of Johnson", 154

Braham and Kenney, 237

Bred on the Boards, 162

Brevity, 81

Brevity of Charity, 215

Brief Correspondence, 179

"Brief Let It Be", 210

Bright and Sharp, 63

Bright Rejoinder, A, 346

Bringing his Man Down, 245

Broad-brim Hint, A, 81

Broad Hint, A, 85, 165

Broad-Sheet Hint, A, 75

Broken Head, A, 98

Brotherly Love, 46, 300

Brutal Affections, 67

Budget of Blunders, A, 141

Buried Worth, 56

Burke and Fox, 258

Burke's Tediousness, 270

Business and Pleasure, 326

Busy Bodies, 124

But one Good Translation, 358

Byron Libellous, 342

CABAL, A, 31

Calculation, 105

Calculation, A, 265

Caledonian Comfort, 99

Calf's Head Surprised, 25

Caliban's Looking-glass, 51

Calumny, 220

Cambridge Etiquette, 76

Candid Counsel, A, 156

Candid on both Sides, 222

Candle and Lantern, The, 125

Candor, 73

Canine Poetry, 169

Canning's Parasites, 71

Capital Joke, A, 56

Capital Letter, A, 14

Cap This, 26

Carrots Classically Considered, 222

Cart before the Horse, The, 60

Case of Necessity, A, 189

Cash Payments, 149

Catching him Up, 70

Cause and Effect, 226, 344

Cause of Absence, 40

Cause, The, 158

Cautious Lover, A, 108

Celestial Vision, A, 351

Certain Crop, A, 208

Certainly not Asleep, 109

Certainty, A, 83

Challenging a Jury, 107

Change for a Guinea, 337

Change for the Better, A, 197

Changing Hats, 280

Changing his Coat, 3

Changing his Line, 39

Characteristics, 237

Charitable Wit, 195

Charity and Inconvenience, 326

Charity begins at Home, 312

Charles, Duke of Norfolk, 271

Charles II. and Milton, 192

Chartist not a Leveller, A, 334

Chatham, Lord, 263

Cheap at the Money, 209

Cheap Cure, A, 17

Cheap Watch, A, 168

Check to the King, 22

Cheese and Dessert, 21

Chemical Oddity, 322

Chesterfield, Lord, 37

Chin-Surveying, 280

Choice of Evils, A, 334

Choice Spirits, 180

Church in the Way, The, 246

City Glutton, 358

City Love, 36

City Varnish, A, 61

Claim on the Country, A, 249

Classical Wit, 333

Claw and Claw, 54

Clear Case, A, 122

Clear the Court, 118

Clearing Emigrants, 272

Clerical Wit, 95

Clever Dog, A, 47

Climax, A, 19, 341

Clonmel, Lord, 172

Close Escape, A, 187

Close Translation, A, 317

Closer, A, 313

Coat-of-Arms, A, 211

Cockney Epigram, A, 36

Cold Comfort, 132

"Cold" Compliment, A, 73

Coleridge and Thelwall, 275

College Bell! The, 109

Collins, The late Mr., 24

Colonial Breweries, 313

Colorable Excuse, A, 179

Colorable Resemblance, A, 145

Come of Age, 9

Comedian and a Lawyer, A, 190

Common Case, A, 64

Common Politeness, 195

Common Want, A, 219

Comparative Virtue, 357

Comparison, A, 152, 234, 273

Comparisons are Odious, 2

Complimentary, 4, 362

Compliment, Elegant, 32

Compliment Ill-received, A, 78

Computation, 22

Conceited, but not Seated, 201

Con-cider-ate, 139

Concurrent Events, 134

Conditional Agreement, 315

Confidence, 103, 120

Confidence--taken from the French, 193

Confirmed Invalid, A, 1

Congratulation to One who Curled His Hair, 85

Conjugal Caution, 8

Conjugal Conclusion, A, 282

Connoisseur, The, 7

Connubial Compliment, A, 365

Conservative Logic, 300

Considerable Latitude, 44

Considerate Mayor, A, 292

Considerate Son, A, 89

Consistency, 179

Constancy, 245

Constitutional Pun, A, 4

Contraband Scotchman, 67

Convenient Theory, A, 358

Convert, A, 4

Cooke's Explanation of the Family Plate, 158

Cooking his Goose, 315

Cool as a Cucumber, 356

Cool Hand, A, 85

Cool Proposition, A, 299

Cool Retort, 208

Corporation Politeness, 219

Corruptly Incorruptible, 172

Couleur de Rose, 58

Coulson, Sir Thomas, 232

Credit, 269

Critical Politeness, 30

Criticising a Statue, 152

Critics, 60

Cromwell, 228

Cruel Case, A, 229

Cruel Suggestion, 68

Cup and Saucer, 200

Cut and Come Again, 51

Cut Direct, The, 124

Cut Infernal, The, 103

Cutting, 360

Cutting an Acquaintance, 253

Cutting his Coat, 57

Cutting off the Supplies, 310

Cutting on both Sides, 69

DAMPED ARDOR, 240

Dancing Prelates, The, 226

Dangerous Generalization, A, 243

Dead Language, 110

Deadly Weapon, A, 288

Dear Bargain, A, 323

Dear Speaker, A, 319

Death and Dr. Bolus, 335

Death-bed Forgiveness, 323

Debt Paid, The, 77

Debtor and Creditor, 126

Decanting Extraordinary, 168

Defining a Creed, 335

Degeneracy, 129

Delicate Hint, 130

Delpini's Remonstrance, 144

Democratic Vision, 80

Deserved Retort, A, 64

Destitution of the Smith Family, 351

Devil's Own, The, 229

Dialogue, A, 16

Dialogue in the Western Islands of Scotland, 279

Dido, 86

Difference, A, 4

Difference of Opinion, 277

Difficult Task, A, 188

Difficulties in either Case, 318

Diffidence, 185

Dilemma, A, 168

Dinner Code, 368

Direct Road, The, 197

Disappointing Subscriber, A, 194

Disapprobation, 45

"Distant" Friend, A, 259

Distant Prospect, A, 16

Distressful Denouement, A 300

Doctor Glynn's Receipt for Dressing a Cucumber, 285

Doctor Weather-eye, 59

Doctrine of Chances, The, 15

Dodging a Creditor, 136

Dogged Answer, A, 10

Dog-matic, 27

Dogmatism, 221

Dog Tax, The, 352

Doing Homage, 223

Domestic Economy, 92

Done for, 352

Donne, Dr., 362

Double Knock, A, 116

Double Sight, 365

"Double Times," A, 88

Doubt Explained, The, 353

Doubtful Compliment, A, 31

Doubtful Creed, A, 105

Dreadful Suspicion, A, 328

Drinking Alone, 174

Driving it Home, 113

Droll to Order, 322

Drop, A, 306

Dry, but not Thirsty, 350

Dry Fellow, A, 227

Dry Humor, 337

Dull Man, A, 274

Dulness of a Debate, 162

Dunning and Lord Mansfield, 39

Dunning and Lord Thurlow, 97

Duplex Movement, 58

Dutiful Daughter, A, 309

EARLY BIRDS OF PREY, 261

Early Habits, 342

Easily Answered, 135

Easily Satisfied, 164

East Indian Chaplaincy, An, 245

Easy as Lying, 29

Easy Way, An, 302

Ebenezer Adams, 150

Effort of Memory, An, 163

Elegant Compliment, 32

Elegant Retort, 205

Elliston and George IV., 240

Eloquent Silence, 117

Emperor of China, 48

Empty Gun, The, 113

Empty Head, An, 92

Encouragement, 216

Endless Task, An, 351

Entering the Lists, 236

Entertaining Proposition, An, 318

Envy, 238

EPIGRAMS:-- Accounting for the Apostacy of Ministers, 173 Addressed to Miss Edgeworth, 83 A Good Word for Ministers, 39 An Affirmative, 367 By a Plucked Man, 93 Conversational, 365 "Cumberland", 34 From the Italian, 82 "I'm Living Still", 17 "Life is a Lottery", 90 "Nature" the Shoulder to the Burden suits, 311 On a Bad Man, 47 On a Bald Head, 198 On a certain M.P.'s Indisposition, 196 On a Debtor Lord, 222 On a Gentleman named Heddy, 297 On a Great Talker, 337 On a Jury, 176 On a Lady who Squinted, 79 On a Lady who was Painted, 262 On a Little Member's Versatility, 203 On a New Duke, 37 On a Petit-Maître Physician, 240 On a Squinting Poetess, 315 On a Stone thrown at a very Great Man, but which missed him, 26 On a Student, 232 On Alderman Wood, 224 On an M.P. who recently got his Election at the Sacrifice of his Political Character, 214 On Bank Notes being made a Legal Tender, 53 On Bishop ----'s Religion, 365 On Black and White, 63 On Blank Cartridge, 341 On Bloomfield, the Poet, 291 On Butler's Monument, 340 On Charles Kean, the Actor, 80 On Cibber, 74 On "Disloyal" Collins, 336 On Dr. Glynn's Beauty, 182 On Dr. Lettsom, 290 On Dr. Walcot's Application for Shield's Ivory Opera Pass, 315 On Dr. Walcot's Request for Ivory Tickets, 318 On Drink, 182 On Hearing a prosing Harangue from a certain Bishop, 245 On Interminable Harangues, 76 On Jekyll's nearly being thrown down by a very small Pig, 116 On L--d--d--y, 81 On Lord ----'s delivering his Speeches in a sitting Position, owing to excessive Gout, 121 On Lord E--nb--h's Pericranium, 89 On Lord W----'s saying the Independence of the House of Lords is gone, 193 On Marriage, 170 On Meanness, 117 On Mr. Croker, 111 On Mr. Gully, 234 On Mr. Pitt's being pelted by the Mob, 295 On Mr. Milton, the Livery Stable-keeper, 239 On Neglect of Judicial Duties, 129 On Phryne, 345 On Pride, 101 On Rogers, the Poet, 226 On Shelley's Poem, "Prometheus Unbound", 230 On Sir Walter Scott's Poem of "Waterloo", 304 On the alleged Disinterestedness of a certain Prelate, 109 On the charge of Illegally Pawning brought against Captain B----, M.P., 200 On the Column to the Duke of York's Memory, 29 On the Death of Foote, 81 On the Depth of Lord ----'s Arguments, 88 On the Disappointment of the Whigs, 307 On the Duke of ----'s Consistency, 104 On the Four Georges, 294 On the Immortality of ----'s Speeches, 89 On the King's Double Dealing, 166 On the late Duke of Buckingham's Moderate Reform, 328 On the Marriage of a very thin Couple, 172 On the Name of Keopalani, 153 On the Oiled and Perfumed Ringlets of a certain Lord, 178 On the Price of Admission to see the Mammoth Horse, 266 On the Sincerity of a certain Prelate, 134 On Two Contractors, 316 On the Two Harveys, 247 On Wolsey, 347 On ----'s Ponderous Speeches, 223 On ----'s Veracity, 319 "Pocket your Watch", 131 Suggested by hearing a Debate, 241 The Tanner, 115 "There's Nobody at Home", 65 To Closefist, 303 To Lady Mount E----, 300 "Turncoat", 46 Upon the Trustworthiness of ---- ----, 332 "Very like a Whale", 154 Written on the Union, 1801, 298

Episcopal Sauce, 114

Epitaph for Sir John Vanbrugh, 16

Epitaph on a Miser, 220

Epitaphs, 247

Epitaph upon Peter Staggs, 227

Error Corrected, An, 237

Erskine, Henry, 220, 244

Erskine's Firmness, 327

"Essay on Man", 185

Equal to Nothing, 177

Equality, 52, 156

Equality of the Law, 288

Equitable Law, 290

Equivocal Preference, An, 355

Equivocation, An, 198

Erasmus _v._ Luther, 293

Error in Judgment, 306

Erudite, 302

Euclid Refuted, 162, 333

Evasion, An, 335

Evidence of a Jockey, 75

Exaggeration, 160

Excusable Fear, 275

Excuse for Cowardice, 295

Existence of Matter, 363

Expectoration, 211

Expensive Job, An, 362

Expensive Trip, An, 311

Experimentum Crucis, 324

Explanation, An, 180

Extenuating Circumstances, 119

Extinguisher, An, 12

Extraordinary Compromise, 177

Extreme Simplicity, 87

Extremely Sulphurous, 366

Extremes Meet, 59, 77

Eye to Profit, An, 33

FAIR DISTRIBUTION, A, 344

Fair Play, 204

Fair Proposal, A, 105

Fair Repulse, A, 54

Fair Substitute, A, 4

Fairly Won, 293

Fall in Mitres, A, 23

False Delicacy, 23

False Estimate, 216

False Face True, A, 292

False Quantities, 154

False Quantity, 27

Familiar Friend, A, 329

Familiar Illustration, A, 41

Familiarity, 177

Family Party, A, 25

Family Pride, 74

Farcical, 364

Farmer and Attorney, 44

Farren, the Actor, On, 54

Fashion and Virtue, 329

Fat and Lean, 264

Fatigue Duty, 152

Favorite Air, A, 210

Fear of Educating Women, 140

Feeling His Way, 103

Feeling Witness, A, 59

Female Talkers, 49

Few Friends, 185

Fiction and Truth, 264

Fig for the Grocer, A, 150

Fighting by Measure, 49

Filial Affection, 182

Fillip for Him, A, 18

Fire and Water, 155

Fire of London, The, 31

Fishing for a Compliment, 82

Fishy, Rather, 80

Fixture, A, 74

Flash of Wit, A, 276

Flattery turned to Advantage, 30

Flying Colors, 318

Following a Leader, 78

Fool and His Money, A, 359

Fool Confirmed, A, 252

Fool or Knave, The, 313

Foote, 96

Foote and Lord Townsend, 94

Foote's Last Joke, 368

Footiana, 169

Foraging, 116

Force of Habit, The, 125, 257

Force of Nature, 55

Force of Satire, The, 49

Forcible Argument, A, 276

Foreign Accent, A, 29

Forgetful Man, A, 181

Fortunate Expedient, A, 294

Fortunate Stars, 270

Fowl Joke, A, 311

Fox, Charles James, 361

Free Translation, A, 355

French Language, 109

French Precipitation, 52

Full House, A, 257

Full Inside, 170

Full Proof, 74

Full Stop, A, 264

Funeral Invitation, 356

GAMBLING, 234

Garrick and Foote, 199

Garth and Rowe, 357

Generosity and Prudence, 213

Gently, Jemmy, 151

Genuine Irish Bull, 128

Genuine Laziness, 360

George II. and the Recorder, 106

Getting a Living, 274

"Getting the Worst of It", 340

Gluttons and Epicures, 153

Going from the Point, 335

Going to Extremes, 332

Gone Out, 360

Good Advice, 3, 152, 209, 211

Good at a Pinch, 223

Good Appetite, A, 254

Good at the Halt, 302

Good Authority, 173

Good Character, A, 304

Good Critic, A, 114

Good Enough for a Pig, 364

Good Evidence, 227

Good Example, A, 83

Good Excuse, A, 134

Good Eyes, 274

Good Hearing, 206

Good-hearted Fellow, A, 81

Good Investment, A, 235

Good Jail Delivery, A, 183

Good Joke, A, 210

Good Judge, A, 361

Good Likeness, A, 253

Good Mixture, A, 283

Good Neighbor, A, 197

Good News for the Chancellor, 144

Good One, A, 135

Good Parson, A, 14

Good Place, A, 30

Good Reason, A, 47, 50, 53, 78

Good Reason for a Bad Cause, A, 313

Good Recommendation, A, 266

Good Riddance, 105

Good Servant, A, 66

Good Sport, 65

Good Swimmer, A, 171

Good Translation, A, 138

Good Wife, A, 250

Gouty Shoe, The, 189

Graceful Excuse, 175

Graceful Illustration, A, 230

Grafting, 218

Grammatical Distinction, A, 17

Grandiloquence, 248

Grandson, The, 299

Grave Doctor, A, 18

Great Cabbage, 251

Great Difference, A, 132

Gretna Customer, A, 100

Grim Joke, A, 360

Growl, A, 188

Grunt, A, 312

Guide to Government Situations, A, 59

HABEAS CORPUS ACT, 194

Half-way, 76

Hand and Glove, 21

Handsome Contribution, A, 42

Happiness, 41

Happy Man, A, 121

Happy Suggestion, A, 32

Hard Hit, A, 187

Hard of Digestion, 215

Hard-ware, 221

Having a Call, 258

Heavy Weight, A, 296

He "Lies Like Truth", 21

He who Sung "The Lays of Ancient Rome", 322

Henry VIII., 278

Hero-phobia, 20

Hesitation in his Writing, 59

Hiatus, A, 102

Hic-cupping, 10

High and Low, 36

High Gaming, 215

Highland Politeness, 186

Hinc Ille Lachrymæ, 70

Hint for Genealogists, A, 191

His Way--Out, 188

Hoaxing an Audience, 206

Holland's Funeral, 308

Home Argument, A, 72

Home is Home, 19

Honest Horse, An, 31

Honest Man's Litany, The, 204

Honest Warranty, An, 94

Honor, 311

Honor to Tipperary, An, 338

Hook's Politeness, 127

Hopeful Pupil, The, 124

Hopeless Invasion, A, 322

Horne Tooke and Wilkes, 284

Horse Laugh, A, 7

Horses to Grass, 285

How to Escape Taxation, 238

How to get rid of an Enemy, 261

How to make a Man of Consequence, 168

Howe, Lord, 278

Human Happiness, 64

Humane Society at an Evening Party, The, 191

Humor under Difficulties, 52

Humorist Piqued, A, 339

Husbanding his Resources, 321

Husband's Marriage, On Mr., 120

"I CAN GET THROUGH", 263

Idolatry, 79

Illegal Indorsement, An, 325

Imitation of a Cow, 121

Important to Bachelors, 280

Impossible in the Evening, 254

Impossible Renunciation, An, 191

Impromptu by Counsellor Bushe, 181

Impromptu by R.B. Sheridan, 180

Impromptu on an Apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, 230

Impromptu--"St. Stephen's Walls", 101

Impromptu--"The Fall of Sparta", 143

Impudent Wit, An, 346

Inadvertence and Epicurism, 286

Incapacity, 241

Inconvenient Breakdown, An, 303

Incredible, 5

Independence, 101

Indifference to Death, 367

Indifference to Life, 274

In-door Relief, 185

Industry and Perseverance, 212

Industry of the English People, 307

Inevitable Misfortune, An, 352

Information easily Acquired, 326

Ingenious Device, An, 196

Ingenious Reply of a Soldier, 37

Ingenuousness, 104

Ingratitude, 58, 283

Inhospitable Irishman, An, 364

In Memoriam, 320

Inquest Extraordinary, 97, 312

Inquest--not Extraordinary, 132

Inquests Extraordinary, 102

Inscription on Inscriptions, An, 2

Insurance Assurance, 360

In Suspense, 27

Interested Inquiry, 357

In the Background, 230

In the Dark, 218

Introductory Ceremony, An, 67

Intruder Rebuked, The, 30

In Want of a Husband, 231

Ireland's Forgery, 134

Irish and Scotch Loyalty, 290

Irish Imprudence, 291

Irishman's Notion of Discount, An, 282

Irishman's Plea, An, 212

Iron Duke, The, 118

"I Takes 'em as they Come", 341

"I've Done the same Thing often", 103

JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD, 235

Jemmy Gordon, 256

Jest of Ancestry, The, 176

Jew's Eye to Business, A, 286

Johnson and Mrs. Siddons, 128

Johnson, Dr., 190

Johnson, Dr., without Variation, 71

Johnson's, Dr., Opinion of Mrs. Siddons, 197

Joint Concern, A, 46

Joke from the North, A, 366

Jolly Companions, 256

Jonson, Ben, 99

Judge in a Fog, A, 199

Judgment, 262

"Junius" discovered, 11

Jury Case, A, 350

Just as Wonderful, 312

Just Debtor, A, 56

Justice Midas, 332

Justice not always Blind, 144

KEAN'S IMPROMPTU, 100

Keen Reply, 83

Keeping a Conscience, 126

Keeping a Promise, 117

Keeping It to Himself, 333

Keeping Time, 236

Kew, The Way to, 297

Killed by His Own Remedy, 338

Kind Hint, A, 336

Kitchener and Colman, 145

Knotty Point, A, 47

Knowing Best, 183

Knowing His Man, 91, 313

Knowing His Place, 69

LADY ANNE, 120

Lamb and Erskine, 123

Lamb and Sharp Sauce, 212

Lame Beggar, The, 308

Landlord and Tenants, 48

Large, but Not Large Enough, 219

Last Resource, A, 274

"Last War," The, 165

Late and Early, 203

Late Dinner, 112

Late Discoverer, A, 330

Late Edition, A, 15

Latimer, 295

Latin for Cold, The, 123

Latin Gerunds, On the, 135

Law and Physic, 181, 333

Law and the Scottish Thane, 342

Lawyer's House, 149

Lawyer's Opinion of Law, A, 99

Leaving His Verdict, 100

Leg Wit, 182

Legal Adulteration, 147

Legal Extravagance, 249

L'Envoy, 368

Letter C, The, 248

Letter H, The, 136, 199

Letter Wanting, A, 138

Liberal Gift, 135

Licensed to Kill, 160

Lie for Lie, 198

Light Bread, 80

Light-headed, 20

Light Joke, A, 250

Light Study, A, 19

Light Subject, The, 4

Lincoln's-Inn Dinners, 207

Lines to O'Keefe, 330

Lingual Infection, 214

Liquid Remedy for Baldness, 196

Liston's Dream, 148

Literal Joke, A, 125

Literary Pastime, 354

Literary Rendering, A, 284

Little to Give, 171

Long Ago, 348

Long Bill, A, 145

Long Illness, A, 279

Long Residence, A, 239

Long Story, 161

Look-A-head, 178

Look in his Face, 12

Losing an I, 113

Lost and Found, 276

Love, 220

Love and Hymen, 148

Love of the Sea, 157

Love Songs, by Dean Swift, 32

Lusus Naturæ, A, 189

Luxurious Smoking, 173

Lying, 208

Lying Consistently, 20

MAC READY TO CALL, 178

Mad Quakers, 138

Maids and Wives, 43

Majesty of Mud, The, 61

Making a Clearance, 143

Making Free, 263

Making Free with the Waist, 321

Making It Up, 52

Making Progress, 232

Malone, Sir Anthony, 184

Man and a Brother, A, 337

Man of Letters, A, 26

Man of Metal, A, 306

Man-traps, 179

Man Without a Rival, 198

Mark of Respect, A, 100

Marriage, 82, 211

Matrimony, 349

Matter in His Madness, 8

Maule-practice, 249

Measure for Measure, 64, 146

Measure of a Brain, The, 93

Measuring his Distance, 46

Mechanical Surgeon, A, 169

Medical Opinion, A, 158

Medicine must be of Use, The, 62

Melo-dramatic Hit, 279

Men of Letters, 205

Men of Weight, 322

Merry Thought, A, 346

Michaelmas Meeting, A, 331

Milesian Advice, 77

Military Axiom, A, 276

Military Eloquence, 310

Milton on Woman, 53

Mind your Points, 242

Minding his Business, 107

Minding his Cue, 203

Miser's Charity, 53

Mistake, A, 191

Mistaken Identity, 13

Model Philanthropist, A, 251

Modern Acting, 185

Modern Sculptor, A, 188

Modest, 46

Modest Merit, 75

Modest Request, 25

Money-Borrower Deceived, The, 306

Money-Lender, A, 217

Money Returned, 21

Money's Worth, 188

Money's Worth, 233, 262

Monster, A, 215

Moral Equality of Man, 93

More Honored in the Breach, 238

Mot of Defoe, 54

Motherly Remark, 233

Much Alike, 250

Multiplying One, 366

Musical Blow-up, A, 174

Musical Taste, 214

Mystery Cleared Up, A, 237

NAMELESS MAN, A, 260

Napoleon's Statue at Boulogne, 128

Nat Lee and Sir Roger L'Estrange, 43

National Prejudice, 247

Native Wit, 35

Natural, 300

Natural Antipathy, 228

Natural Grief, 186

Natural Transmutation, 60

Nature and Art, 273

Naval Oratory, 117

Neat Quotation, A, 65

Neat Suggestion, A, 315

Neck or Nothing, 24

Neighborly Politeness, 296

New Disguise, A, 141

New Idea, A, 296

New Reading, A, 201, 271

New Relationship, 3, 317

New Scholar, A, 98

New Sign, A, 154

New Sport, A, 104

New view, A, 255

New Way to Pay Old Debts, 29

New Way with Attorneys, A, 352

Nice Distinction, A, 95, 112

Nice Language, 120

Nicknames, 265

Night and Morning, 170

Nil Nisi, &c., 166

No Harm Done, 2

No Intrusion, 323

No Joke, 253

No Judge, 173

No Matter what Color, 242

No Music in his Soul, 329

No Pride, 171

No Redeeming Virtue, 309

No Sacrifice, 261

Noise for Nothing, A, 167

Nominal Rhymes, 83

Non Compos 260

Non Sequitur, 57

"None so Blind," &c., 58

North, Lord, Asleep, 161

North's, Lord, Drollery, 241

Nosce te Ipsum, 243

Not at all Anxious, 324

Not at Home, 207

Not Finding Himself, 347

Not giving Himself "Airs", 305

Not Importunate, 236

Not Improbable, 308

Not Insured Against Fire, 186

Not Necessary, 228

Not Polite, 119

Not Quite Correct, 252

Not Right, 20

Not Room for a Neighbor, 339

Not Sick Enough for That, 273

Not so Bad for a King, 58

Not so "Daft" as Reputed, 321

Not so Easy, 106

Not to be Believed, 342

Not to be Bought, 68

Not to be Done Brown, 276

Not to be Tempted, 218

Not to be Trifled with, 87

Not True, 154

Not _v._ Nott, 35

Nothing but Hebrew, 266

Nothing but the "Bill", 12

Nothing Personal, 190

Nothing Surprising, 339

Nothing to Boast of, 313

Nothing to Laugh at, 199

Notice to Quit, 125

Notions of Happiness, 181

Novel Complaint, A, 8

Novel Idea, A, 112

Novel Offence, 45

Novelty, A, 66

OBJECTIONABLE PROCESS, A, 328

Ocular, 307

Odd Bird, An, 102

Odd Comparison, An, 40

Odd Family, An, 99

Odd Fellow, An, 68

Odd Foresight, 166

Odd Housekeeping, 225

Odd Humor, 324

Odd Notion, An, 277

Odd Occurrence, An, 242

Odd Question, An, 186

Odd Reason, 213

"Off with his Head", 337

Offensive Preference, 325

Old Adage Refuted, An, 314

Old Age, 162

Old Friends, 311

Old Joke, An, 112

Old Stories over Again, 52

Old Times, 128

Ominous, Very!, 213

On the Right Side, 40

On the Spot, 327

One Bite at a Cherry, 150

One Fault, 312

"One for his Nob", 9

One Good Turn Deserves Another, 7

One Head Better than a Dozen, 126

One-Sided Joke, A, 353

One-Spur Horseman, The, 255

One Thing at a Time, 210

One Thing Wanting, The, 7

Only a Ninepin, 317

Only Enough for One, 200

Only for Life, 304

Open Confession, 289

Openly, 326

Opposite Tempers, 281

Orators, The, 185

Oratory, 252

Order for Two, An, 82

Order! Order!, 123

Origin of the term Grog, 268

Original Attraction, An, 79

Orthography, 277

Our English Love of Dinners, 176

"Our Landlady", 246

"Out, Brief Candle", 33

Out of Spirits, 302

Outline, An, 304

Outline of an Ambassador, 272

Outward Appearance, 28

Over-wise, 101

Oxford and Cambridge Actors, 132

PADDY'S LOGIC, 54

Painful Examination, A, 325

Painted Charms, 327

Painting, 162, 166

Painting and Medicine, 221

Par Nobile Fratrum, 148

Pardonable Mistake, A, 6

Parliamentary Case, 272

Parliamentary Reprimand, 184

## Participation in a Practical Joke, 282

Partnership Dissolved, 88

Passing the Bottle, 11

Pat Reply, A, 161

Patience, 305

Patrick Henry, 175

Paying in Kind, 130, 257

Pence Table, 108

Perfect Bore, A, 246

Perfect Discontent, 131

Personalities of Garrick and Quin, 231

Pert, 164

Pertinent Enquiry, 208

Pertinent Question, A, 310, 347

Phenomenon Accounted for, A, 63

Philanthropist, The, 165

Philip, Earl, of Stanhope, 359

Philosophical Reason, A, 255

Phonetic Joke, A, 144

Picking Pockets, 321

Pickpocketing, 97

Piece de Resistance, 123

Piece of Plate, A, 113

Pig-headed, 56

Pigs and the Silver Spoon, The, 292

Pill Gratis, A, 133

Pink of Politeness, The, 36

Pious Minister, A, 131

Place Wanted, A, 67

Placebo, A, 67

Plain Enough, 267

Plain Language, 149

Plain Speaking, 249

Play upon Words, A, 256

Player, or Lord, 320

Playing on a Word, 33

Pleasant, 252

Pleasant Deserts, 72

Pleasant for a Father, 354

Pleasant Invitation, 8

Pleasant Message, A, 363

Pleasant Partner, A, 275

Plumper, A, 325

Plural Number, The, 249

Poet Foiled, The, 190

Poetical shape, A, 64

Poets to certain Critics, The, 225

Point, A, 106

Point Needing to be Settled, A, 349

Polite Rebuke, A, 208

Polite Scholar, The, 85

Political Corruption, 80

Political Logic, 348

Political Sinecure, 240

Poor Curate, The, 296

Poor Laugh, A, 349

Poor Law, 343

Poor Substitute, A, 301

Pope's Last Illness, 281

Popping the Question, 25

Porson _v._ Dr. Jowett, 214

Porson's Visit to the Continent, 27

Portmanteau _v._ Trunk, 127

Portrait Capitally Executed, A, 8

Poser, A, 44, 203, 226, 267, 287

Poser by Lord Ellenborough, A, 170

Possible Censors, 365

Post-Mortem, 69

Pot Valiant, 225

Powder without Ball, 281

Practical Retort, 248

Precautionary, 330

Preferable Way, A, 334

Preferment, 361

Prefix, A, 283

Pressing Reason, A, 232

Pretty, 308

Pretty Metaphor, A, 26

Pretty Picture, A, 38

Pretty Reply, A, 358

Previous Engagement, A, 366

Priest's Orders, 336

Prime's Preservative, 320

Primogeniture, 22

Prince of Orange and Judge Jefferies, The, 25

Principle of Governments, The, 314

Priority, 236

Probability, A, 147

Problem for Total Abstainers, A, 352

Profession and Practice, 331

Professional, 47

Professional Aim, A, 318

Professional Candor, 329

Professional Companions, 330

Professional Recognition, 351

Profitable Juggling, 97

Promise to Pay, A, 139

Proof Impression, 23

Proof Positive, 320

Proper Answer, A, 206

Proper Distinction, 174

Proper Name, A, 299

Proper Retort, A, 116

Prophecy, A, 74

Prosiness, 363

Proud Heart, A, 191

Proverb Reversed, A, 186

Provident Boy, A, 62

Proving their Metal, 16

Pulling up a Poet, 338

Punctuation, 139

Pungent Pinch, A, 336

"Puppies never See till they are Nine Days Old", 192

Pure Folks, 144

Purser, The, 28

Putting a Stop to Pilgrim's Progress, 90

Q.E.D., 79

Quaint Epitaph, 364

Qualifying for Bail, 33

Quantum Suff, 212

Quakerly Objection, A, 80

Queer Expression, A, 282

Queer Partners, 172

Query Answered, A, 62

Query for Mr. Babbage, A, 209

Question and Answer, 60

Question Answered, 312

Question for the Peerage, A, 167

Question of Descent, A, 354

Question of Time, 133

Quick Lie, A, 346

Quid Pro Quo, 86, 216, 267, 269

Quiet Dose, A, 226

Quiet Theft, 151

Quin and Charles I., 316

Quin and the Parson, 227

Quin's Saying, 50

Quin's Soliloquy on Seeing the embalmed body of Duke Humphrey, at St. Alban's, 38

Quite Aground, 199

Quite at Ease, 271

Quite Natural, 53

Quite Perfection, 24

Quite Poetical, 219

Quite Professional, 290

Quite True, 85

RAILROAD ENGINEER, THE, 155

Rake's Economy, A, 164

Rare Virtue, 43

Rather A-curate, 262

Rather Ethereal, 278

Rather Ferocious, 303

Rather Hard, 133

Rather Saucy, 161

Rather the Worst Half, 257

Ready-made Wood Pavement, 174

Ready Reckoner, A, 70, 163, 259

Ready Reply, A, 73

Reason, A, 311

Reason for being too Late, A, 356

Reason for Belief, A, 326

Reason for Going to Church, 70

Reason for not Moving, A, 338

Reason for Polygamy, A, 342

Reason for Running Away, 248

Reason for Thick Ankles, 293

Reason Why, The, 94, 231

Reasonable Demand, A, 149

Reasonable Excuse, A, 193

Reasonable Preference, A, 323

Reasonable Refusal, A, 241

Reasonable Request, 102

Reasons for Drinking, 242

Rebel Lords, The, 196

Rebuke, A, 251

Reciprocal Action, 355

Recruiting Sergeant and Countryman, 86

Reflection, A, 96

Reformation, 176

Relations of Mankind, 173

Remarkable Echo, A, 309

Reproof, 115

Republic of Learning, The, 107

Republic of Letters, The, 324

Reputation, 181

Resignation, 144

Resting Herself, 334

Retort Cutting, The, 31

Reverse, A, 214

Reverse Joke, A, 221

Reverse of Circumstances, 10

Richmond Hoax, The, 262

Right Organ, The, 242

Rigid Impartiality, 359

Ringing the Changes, 91

Rising Son, The, 1

Riskful Adventure, A, 331

Rivals, The, 110

Rogers--Poet and Skipper, 176

Rowing in the Same Boat, 128

Rowland for an Oliver, A, 163

Royal Favor, 63

Royal Jest, A, 366

Royal Muff, A, 164

Royal Pun, 145

Rub at a Rascal, A, 61

Rule of Practice, A, 354

Ruling Passion after Death, The, 51

Ruling Passion Strong in Death, The, 200, 350

Ruling Passion, The, 129, 218, 367

Rum and Water, 141

Runaway Knock, A, 195

Running Accounts, 291

Running no Risk, 339

SADDLE ON THE RIGHT HORSE, THE, 18

Safe Appeal, A, 108

Safe Side, The, 292

Sage Advice, 28

Sage Simile, A, 61

Sailor's Wedding, 215

St. Peter a Bachelor, 286

Salad, 221

Salic Law, The, 361

Salisbury Cathedral Spire, 147

Sanitary Air, A, 218

Satisfaction, 108

Satisfactory Explanation, A, 340

Satisfactory Reason, A, 115

Satisfactory Total, 105

Saucy Answer, A, 363

Save us from our Friends, 157

Saving Time, 247

Scandalous, 25

Scold's Vocabulary, The, 40

Scotch Caution, 119

Scotch Medium, 130

Scotch Penetration, 133

Scotch Simplicity, 42

Scotch Understanding, 66

Scotch "Wut", 168, 316

Scotchman and Highwaymen, 291

Scott, Sir Walter, and Constable, 288

Scott's, Sir Walter, Parritch-pan, 283

Sealing an Oath, 65

Seasonable Joke, A, 89, 273

Season-ings, The, 207

Secret Discovered, A, 357

Seeing a Coronation, 127

Seeing not Believing, 270

Self-Applause, 314

Self-Conceit, 235

Self-Condemnation, 265, 325

Self-Interest, 367

Self-Knowledge, 76

Selwyn, George, 47

Sensibility, 304

Sent Home Free, 192

Sentence of Death, 34

Sermons in Stones, 341

Servants, 267

Setting him Up to Knock him Down, 178

Setting Up and Sitting Down, 256

Settled Point, A, 256

Settler, A, 149

Severe, 261

Severe Rebuke, 285

Shakespeare Illustrated, 129

Shakespearian Grog, 350

Shaking Hands, 53

Sharp Boy, 261

Sharp Brush, A, 320

Sharp, if not Pleasant, 245

Sheepish Compliment, A, 44

Sheridan and Burke, 336

Sheridan Convivial, 268

Short and Sharp, 134

Short Commons, 160

Short Creed, A, 218

Short Journey, 170, 278

Short Measure, 168

Short-Sighted, 254

Short Stories, 79

Should not Silence Give Consent, 236

Shuffling Answer, A, 327

Sign of being Cracked, 68

Significant Difference, A, 332

Silent Appreciation, 332

Silk Gown, A, 93

Simile, A, 344

Simple Division, 19

Simplicity of the Learned Porson, 82

Sims, Dr., 211

Sinecure, A, 182

"Sinking" the Well, 297

Slack Payment, 175

Sleeping at Church, 268

Sleeping Round, 106

Slight Difference, A, 111, 238

Slight Eruption, A, 114

Small Glass, A, 92

Small Inheritance, A, 3

Small Joke, A, 343

Small Talk, 303

Small Wit, 232

Smart One-pounder, A, 143

Smart Reply, 220

Smoking an M.P., 114

Smoothing It Down, 321

Snoring, 159

Snuff-box, The, 273

Snug Lying, 205

Soft, Very!, 76

Soldiers' Wives, 253

Solomon's Temple, 202

Something for Dr. Darwin, 1

Something Lacking, 204

Something Like an Insult, 80

Something Sharp, 344

Something to be Grateful for, 350

Something to be Proud of, 293

Something to Pocket, 301

Soporific, A, 195, 310

Sought and Found, 309

Sound and Fury, 9

Sound Conclusion, A, 57

Sound Sleeper, 17

Spare Man, A, 145

Spare the Rod, 239

Speaking Canvas, The, 307

Speaking of Sausages, 245

Special Pleading, 37

Species and Specie, 189

Specific Gravity of Folly, The, 155

Specimen of the Laconic, 306

Specimen of University Etiquette, 158

Spirit and the Letter, The, 112

Spirit of a Gambler, 270

Spiritual and Spirituous, 5

Spranger Barry, 146

Sprig of Shillalah, A, 27

Staffordshire Collieries, The, 202

Steam-boat Racing, 150

Sterne, 131

Stone Blind, 71

Stop Watch, A, 184

Stopper, A, 70

Stout Swimmer, A, 334

Strange Jetsum, 133

Strange Objection, A, 143

Strange Vespers, 201

Stray Shot, A, 77

Striking Notice, A, 9

Striking Point, A, 102

Striking Reproof, 38

Subtraction and Addition, 14

Sudden Change, A, 90

Sudden Freedom, 345

Suggestion, 49

Suggestive Pair of Grays, A, 197

Suggestive Present, A, 140

Suggestive Question, A, 148

Suggestive Repudiation, 323

Suited to his Subject, 35

Summary Decision, 194

Sun in his Eye, The, 346

Superfluous Scraper, A, 356

Superiority of Machinery, The, 306

Sure Take, A, 277

Swearing the Peace, 217

Sweeps, 234

Swift, Dean, and King William, 117

Sword and the Scabbard, The, 108

Sydney Smith, 104

Sydney Smith Soporific, 223

Syllabic Difference, A, 297

Symbol, A, 7

TAKE WARNING!, 315

Taking a Hint, 217

Taking his Measure, 121

Tall and Short, 40

Taste of Marriage, A, 165

Tavern Dinner, A, 264

Tell it not in England, 329

Telling One's Age, 225

Temperance Cruets, 284

Tender Suggestion, A, 345

Terrible Possibility, A, 343

"The Mixture as Before", 22

Theatrical Mistakes, 98

Theatrical Purgations, 314

Theatrical Wit, 124

Thelwall, Mr., 209

"Thereby Hangs," &c., 167

Things by their Right Names, 210

Three Causes, 7

Three Degrees of Comparison, 205

Three Ends to a Rope, 231

Three Touchstones, 15

"Throw Physic to the Dogs!", 233

Thurlow and Pitt, 121

Ticklish Opening, A, 324

Tierney's, Mr., Humor, 277

Tillotson, 280

Time Out of Joint, The, 187

Time Works Wonders, 112

Timely Aid, 243

Timely Flattery, 316

Timely Reproof, A, 115

Timidity of Beauty, The, 143

To the Coming Man, 313

Too Civil, 55

Too Civil by Half, 246

Too Clever, 250

Too Fast, 220

Too Good, 233

Too Grateful, 224

Too Liberal, 260

Too Many Cooks, 11

Too Much and Too Little, 244

Too Much at Once, 364

Too Much of a Bad Thing, 165

Too Cold to Change, 65

Top and Bottom, 140

Tory Liberality, 56

Touching, 109

Trade against Land, 156

Tragedy MS., 43

Transformation Scene, A, 201

Transporting Subject, A, 221

Transposing a Compliment, 41

Travellers See Strange Things, 317

Trophies, 210

True and False, 251

True Courtier, A, 43

True Criticism, 267

True Dignity, 261

True Evidence, 156

True Joke, A, 60

True of Both, 287

True Philosophy, 288

True Politeness, 164

True to the Letter, 287

True Wit, 123

Trump Card, A, 13

Truth and Fiction, 240

Truth and Rhyme, 137

Truth at Last, 133

Truth by Accident, The, 216

Truth for the Ladies, A, 100

Truth not Always to be Spoken, 88

Truth not to be Spoken at All Times, 78

Truth _v._ Politeness, 255

Trying to the Temper, 258

Twice Ruined, 79

Two Carriages, 275

Two Cures for Ague, 353

Two Make a Pair, 159

Two of a Trade, 77

Two Sides to a Speech, 90

Two Smiths, The, 28

Twofold Illustration, 42

Typographical Transfer, A, 332

Typographical Wit, 260

UGLY DOG, AN, 48

Ugly Trades, 304

Unanswerable Argument, An, 299

Uncivil Warning, 351

Unconscious Insult, An, 317

Unconscious Postscript, An, 206

Unequal Arrangement, An, 355

Unexpected Cannonade, An, 340

Unfortunate Lover, An, 181

Union is Strength, 51

Union of Opposites, 319

Unkind, 117

Unknown Tongue, 38

Unlikely Result, An, 348

Unpoetical Reply, 120

Unreasonable, 94

Unre-hearsed Effect, An, 65

Unremitting Kindness, 100

Untaxed Luxury, An, 319

Unwelcome Agreement, 158

Up and Down, 301

Up in the World, 9

Upright Man, An, 87

Use is Second Nature, 196

Useful Ally, A, 90

Utilitarian Inquiry, A, 328

VAILS TO SERVANTS, 85

Vain Search, A, 96

Vain Threat, A, 343

Valuable Beaver, A, 301

Valuable Discovery, 90

Value of Applause, 171

Value of Nothing, 241

Vast Domain, 21

Vera Cannie, 243

Verse and Worse, 118

Verses Written on a Window in the Highlands of Scotland, 15

Very Appropriate, 287

Very Clear, 46

Very Easy, 303

Very Evident, 213

Very Like Each Other, 270

Very Likely, 249, 312

Very Pointed, 22

Very Pretty, 102

Very Serious, 130

Very Shocking, if True, 254

Very True, 173, 286

Vice Versâ, 190

Visible Darkness, 10

Visible Proof, 82

Visibly Losing, 293

Voluminous Speaker, A, 148

Vox et Præterea Nihil, 147

Vulgar Arguments, 122

Vulgarity, 362

WALKING STICK, A, 326

Walpoliana, 107, 111, 119

Warm Friendships, 98

Warm Man, A, 348

Warning to Ladies, 54

Waste of Time, 42

Waste Powder, 18

Way of the World, 75

Way of Using Books, 175

Weak Woman, A, 11

Wearing Away, 347

Well-bred Horse, 9

Well Matched, 6

Well Said, 268

Well Turned, 346

Wellington, Duke of, and the Aurist, 87

Wellington Surprised, 250

Welsh Wig-ging, A, 26

Wet and Dry, 141

What Everybody Does, 294

What is an Archdeacon?, 295

What's a Hat without a Head?, 285

What's Going On?, 159

What's in a Name?, 279

What's in a Syllable?, 151

What's my Thought Like?, 305

Wheel of Fortune, The, 195

Where it came from, 316

Where is the Audience?, 183

Whig and Tory, 67

Whist, 244

Whist-Playing, 229

Whitbread's Entire, 359

White Hands, 287

White Teeth, 275

Who's the Fool?, 132

Who's to Blame?, 136

Whose?, 192

Why are Women Beardless?, 208

Why Master of the House?, 330

Wide-awake Minister, A, 347

Wide Difference, A, 345

"Wide, Wide Sea," The, 315

Wife at Forty, A, 45

Wignell, the Actor, 72

Wilberforce, Miss, 298

Wilkes and Liberty, 161

Wilkes and a Liberty, 143

Wilkes's Ready Reply, 224

Wilkes's Tergiversation, 114

Wilkie's Simplicity, 91

Will and Away, A, 259

Will and the Way, 193

Will, The, 104

Windy Minister, A, 259

Winner at Cards, A, 303

Winning a Loss, 160

Wise Decision, A, 348

Wise Fool, A, 198

Wise Precaution, 13

Wise Son who knew his own Father, A, 6

Wit and Quackery, 95

Wit Defined, 95

Wits Agreeing, 354

Witty at his own Expense, 365

Witty Coward, 236

Witty Proposition, A, 348

Witty Thanksgiving, 338

Wolfe, General, 167

Woman's Promises, A, 62

Women, 229

Wonderful Cure, A, 179

Wonderful Sight, A, 258

Wonderful Unanimity, 331

Wonderful Woman, A, 5

Wooden Joke, A, 314

Woodman, A, 63

Woolsack, The, 232

Word in Season, A, 340

Word to the Wise, A, 135

Words that Burn, 11

Worst of all Crimes, The, 63

Worst of Two Evils, The, 269

Worth the Money, 35

Worthy of Credit, 129

"Write me Down an Ass", 135

Writing for the Stage, 234

Writing Treason, 230

Written Character, A, 6

Wrong Leg, The, 48

YANKEE YARN, A, 157

Yorke, Mr. Charles, 361

Yorkshire Bull, A, 353

"You'll Get There Before I Can Tell You", 239

Young, Dr., 156

Young Idea, The, 247

ZODIAC CLUB, THE, 37

Transcriber's notes

Corrections to the Text. Page 49, diagreeable corrected to disagreeable. Page 72, betyraing corrected to betraying. Page 171, LITLLE corrected to LITTLE. Page 178, ill-conwenience corrected to ill-convenience. Page 197, your're corrected to you're. Page 275, distingushed corrected to distinguished. Page 297, aud corrected to and. Page 309, secretely corrected to secretly. Page 341, Eor corrected to For. Page 364, duplicated a removed. Punctuation printing errors were corrected throughout the text.

Corrections to the Index. Acres and Wiseacres, 335 corrected to 355. Affectation, 90 corrected to 98. Best Wine, The, 193 corrected to 300. Brief Correspondence, 178 corrected to 179. Cause and Effect, 318 corrected to 344. Hinc Illæ Lachrymæ, 70 corrected to Ille, as per entry on page 70. Sage Advice, 128 corrected to 28. Reverse of Circumstances, 9 corrected to 10. Reason Why, The, 213 corrected to 231. New Scholar, A, 82 corrected to 98. Naval Oratory, 108 corrected to 117. Money's Work, 188 corrected to Money's Worth, as per entry on page 188. Omnious, Very!, 213 corrected to Ominous, as per entry on page 213. Explanation, An, 180, was out of order alphabetically, and was moved one line down.