Part 3
The modern drummer is not much like the month of March. March is said to come in a lion and go out a lamb, while the drummer comes in a lyin' and goes out a lyin'.
* * * * *
How to signal a bark--pull a dog's tail.
* * * * *
"Say, pop, do people take snuff nowadays?"
"Sometimes, my son."
"Oh, then its all right?"
"What is all right?"
"Why, I heard mamma telling Aunt Amy that you wasn't up to snuff."
* * * * *
"I understand that Willoughby was half seas over at the Sneerwell dinner." "Oh, no. He was sailing into the port when I left."
* * * * *
BACON--What's that thread tied about your little finger for?
EGBERT--Oh, that's just to remind my wife to ask me if I forgot something she told me to remember.
* * * * *
HE--You saw some old ruins while in England, I presume? SHE--Yes, indeed! And one of them wanted to marry me.
* * * * *
CHOLLY--Ethel Knox told me last night I wasn't over half-witted. SUSIE--I shouldn't feel badly about that; she never did know anything about fractions.
* * * * *
MRS. SWELLERY--What is the matter with my husband, doctor?
PHYSICIAN--Appendicitis, madam.
MRS. S.--I am so glad. I was afraid he might have something unfashionable.
* * * * *
A man who drives away customers--the cabman.
* * * * *
CLEVERTON--Miss Cutler tells me she has been putting quinine on her face lately for her complexion.
DASHAWAY--I guess I'll go around there. I have a touch of malaria.
* * * * *
MAUD--How do you define love?
MARIE--Love is the life of illusion.
"And what is marriage?" "Oh, marriage is the death of them."
* * * * *
WEEKS--Well, how are things over in Boston? Have they named any new pie "Aristotle" yet?
WENTMAN--No-o. But I heard a man there ask for a Plato soup.
* * * * *
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--What is meant in the parable by a "house built upon a rock?"
SUNDAY SCHOOL SCHOLAR--A Harlem flat.
* * * * *
"I am quite surprised, Mr. Meeker, to account for your wife's knowledge of parliamentary law."
"Great Caesar! Hasn't she been speaker of the house for the last fifteen years?"
* * * * *
MR. GREATHEAD, the landlord, says he prefers as tenants experienced chess player, because it is so seldom they move.
* * * * *
"You have a bad cold," he said. "I have," she replied huskily. "I am so hoarse that if you attempted to kiss me I couldn't even scream."
* * * * *
A little burn makes a big smart sometimes. But even a big burn could not make some people smart.
* * * * *
"Don't talk to me about compulsory vaccination!" exclaimed the man who had his arm in a sling. "I'm sore on that subject."
* * * * *
There are many sweet, entrancing moments in this life, but when a man steps on your pet corn you do not experience one of them.
* * * * *
The impecunious young man who marries a girl with a substantial check attached may very properly be said to have been checkmated.
* * * * *
VISITOR--I suppose you have a great deal of poetry sent into you for publication?
EDITOR--No, not very much poetry as a rule; some of it is verse, and some of it is worse.
* * * * *
"What is your idea of happiness?"
"Nothing to do and lots of time to do it in."
* * * * *
--So Ethel is to marry that young Bob Halstey; why, he has been jilted by half a dozen girls.
--Case of being well shaken before taken, I suppose.
* * * * *
"I've been pondering over a very singular thing."
"What is it?"
"How putting a ring on a woman's third finger should place you under that woman's thumb."
* * * * *
They cannot be complete in aught Who are not humorously prone; A man without a merry thought Can hardly have a funny bone.
* * * * *
TEACHER--Johnny, can you tell me what a section boss is?
JOHNNY--The conductor of a sleeping-car.
* * * * *
PERSONAL--"'A young woman, to whom black is particularly becoming, would like to meet a gentleman in poor health; object, widowhood.'"
* * * * *
"I am told lynching is a pastime in this section."
"Well, we do loop the loop occasionally."
* * * * *
"The house a lawyer once enjoy'd, Now to a smith doth pass; How naturally the _iron_ age Succeeds the _age of brass_!"
* * * * *
TOMDICK--I'd like to find some girl willing to marry me.
ANDARRY--Ah! You want one ready maid.
* * * * *
TEACHER--Yes, dear; ova refers to an egg.
WILLY--Then when they throw bad eggs at an actor he gets a literal ovation, I s'pose.
* * * * *
IKEY--Fader, is "imbegunious" undt "inzolvent" der same?
FADER--Nodt at all! "Imbegunious" is ven a man has got no more money, undt "inzolvent" is ven his greditors has got about all der money dey are goin' to get.
* * * * *
SHE--"Are you fond of tea?"
HE--"Yes; but I like the next letter better."
* * * * *
It was the morning after, and he wanted a small favor.
"I admit that I am temporarily hard up," he said, "but that's because I can't realize."
"Can't realize on what?"
"On my thirst. If I could only sell that thirst for half what it cost me I'd be all right."
* * * * *
When the penniless lordling to get a rich wife Of his own nationality fails, He crosses the ocean with heart light and gay And robs the United States males.
* * * * *
HUSBAND--My dear, how would you like a book for a present?
WIFE--Very much.
"Well, what sort of a book would you like--a book of poems, for instance?"
"No; a bank-book."
* * * * *
"That sounds like the charity bawl," said the nurse, as the babies in the orphan asylum began to yell.
* * * * *
He went on a lark, So his wife did remark, And some angry words, too, did she mutter. On a lark he went out, Of that fact there's no doubt, But he came in, alas! on a shutter.
* * * * *
CONDON--Have you been cured of that last attack of malaria?
DENBY--Oh, yes, Doctress Anna Curem knocked it silly. But her treatment left me with a worse disease than malaria ever was.
"You don't say so!"
"Yes, sir; I've got an incurable case of heart disease now."
* * * * *
For years she'd heard her husband sadly say: "Can't we have pies like mother used to bake?" At last she cried: "Of course we can, you Jay, When you make dough that papa used to make."
* * * * *
YANKEE--"I say, Britisher, can you spell horse?"
ENGLISHMAN--"'Orse? Why, certainly. It honly takes a haitch and a ho and a har and a hess and a he to spell 'orse."
* * * * *
"What is the meaning of the saying that a man shall earn his bread in the sweat of his brow?" asked a boy in a New York school.
"Have you never observed a man working on a warm day?" asked the teacher.
"No, don't think I ever saw one."
"What does your father do on a right hot day?"
"He goes in bathing out at Coney Island."
"What is your father's business?"
"He is a walking delegate."
* * * * *
A tramp asked a farmer for something to eat One day as he chanced there to stop, The kind hearted farmer went out to the shed And gave him an axe and feelingly said: "Now just help yourself to a chop."
* * * * *
"Yes" said a landlord, sadly, whose tenant had made a moonlight "flitting," "appearances are deceitful; but disappearances are still more so."
* * * * *
Sailors are not fond of agricultural implements usually, but they always welcome the cry of "Land-hoe."
* * * * *
Some men divide their lives between trying to forget and trying to recover from the effects of trying to forget.
* * * * *
"Castles in the air are walled in by fancy," remarked the poet. "Faith, I'd prefer a _rale_ fence," said Pat.
* * * * *
A boy who is frequently chastised both by his mother and grandmother, speaks of them as "a spanking team."
* * * * *
A man aroused his wife from a sound sleep, the other night, saying that he had seen a ghost in the shape of a donkey.
"Oh! let me sleep," the irate dame rejoined, "and don't be frightened at your own shadow."
* * * * *
"What a fearful night I had when I drew this gun the first time!" said the bartender, as he showed a handsome silver-mounted Colt.
"When was it?" gasped the crowd.
"Night before last at the raffle in Kelley's!"
* * * * *
"Gee whizz!" said the boy who had been forced to take castor oil. "I do wish ma was a Christian Scientist!"
* * * * *
If you want to see a strong organization, look at the whisky dealers; if you want to see a weak one, look at the consumers.
* * * * *
With cards and dice, and dress and friends, My savings are complete; I light the candle at both ends, And thus make both ends meet.
* * * * *
"There goes a man who leads in letters."
"Ah, indeed! What's his name?"
"A.A. Adams."
* * * * *
Lawyers practice at the bar, while bartenders and mosquitoes practice inside of it.
* * * * *
A squall on the sea is a stress of weather, and a squaller on land is a songstress.
* * * * *
Adversity is not without comfort--your enemy may be in harder luck than you.
* * * * *
When a man is short of money he finds most of his friends whom he meets short-sighted.
* * * * *
A beautiful lassie named Florence, Once wept till her tears flowed in torence. When asked why she cried, She sighed, and replied, "The Sheriff's been here with some worence."
* * * * *
In this glorious land of the free, you always have to pay for the drinks in order to get a whack at the free lunch.
* * * * *
GRACE--"Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more."
BELLA--"Why, I thought they were engaged."
GRACE--"So they are. They just sit for hours and hold each other's hands."
* * * * *
"Do you believe in luck?"
"Sometimes. See that fat woman with the red hat over there?"
"Yes."
"Twenty years ago she refused to marry me."
* * * * *
"Haven't I told you before," he cried, "to sing out the names of stations clearly and distinctly? Bear in mind. Sing 'em out. Do you hear?"
"I will sir."
And when the next train came in the passengers were considerably astonished to hear Pat sing:
"Sweet Dreamland Faces Passing to and fro, Change here for Limerick, Galway and Mayo."
* * * * *
"A butcher knows how to make both ends meet."
"Yes, if you give him the proper steer."
* * * * *
"That man has had five wives."
"Tandem or simultaneously?"
"I don't understand."
"Is he a Mormon or a Chicago man?"
* * * * *
HE--How does it happen that none of you women have come forward with a new currency plan?
SHE--Oh, we already have a perfect one. When we need currency we just sit down and cry for it.
* * * * *
A boil in the pot is worth two on the neck.
* * * * *
Letters from, a soldier of fortune--I.O.U.
* * * * *
"I'm very much surprised," quoth Harry, "That Jane a gambler should marry." "I'm not at all," her sister says, "You know he has such _winning ways_!"
* * * * *
Whether tall men, or short men are best, Or bold men, or modest and shy men, I can't say, but this I protest, All the fair are in favor of _Hy-men_.
* * * * *
An Irishman wandering up Fifth avenue saw in the window of a photographer's shop a large photograph of Mephisto. He went inside, and after gazing about the walls, said to the proprietor:
"I want to have a pichtur taken av meself an' me bruther. How much?"
The proprietor named the figure.
"All right," said Pat. "Will you take it now?"
"Where is your brother?" asked the photographer. "He's in Ireland," was the reply.
"Well my man," said the photographer, "we can't take his picture unless he is here."
"That's funny," said Pat. "Ye took a pichtur of the divil, an' he's down below."
* * * * *
"Did you shoot anything, Henrick?"
"Yes, a duck."
"What! a wild one?"
"No, but the farmer was wild."
* * * * *
HE--"The fact is, you women make fools of the men."
SHE--"Sometimes, perhaps; but sometimes we don't have to."
* * * * *
"What was the subject of your debate this evening?"
"Whisky."
"Was it well discussed?"
"Yes, most of the members were full of the subject."
* * * * *
THE DOCTOR--"You regard society as merely a machine, do you? What part of the machinery do you consider me, for instance?"
THE PROFESSOR--"You are one of the cranks."
* * * * *
"Do you think the elevator boy stole your watch?"
"Well, he swore up and down that he didn't."
* * * * *
SLOPAY--"And, doctor, if you will, I wish you would give me something to help my memory. I forget so easily."
DOCTOR--"Very well. I'll send you a bill every month."
* * * * *
If the devil lost its tail, where would he go to get another one?
To a liquor store where they retail spirits.
* * * * *
"What must a man be that he shall be buried with military honors?"
"He must be a captain."
"Then I lose the bet."
"What did you bet?"
"I bet he must be dead."
* * * * *
ACTOR FRIEND (inquiring at boarding house)--Has Mr. Comedy taken his departure yet?
"Yes," snapped the landlady, "but that's all he did take; I've got his wardrobe."
* * * * *
"We have German bands and French bands and American bands, but you never hear of an Irish band. You couldn't have one. Every man would want to be leader."
* * * * *
He dined, not wisely, but too well-- Hence all his ills; And nothing now agrees with him, Excepting pills.
* * * * *
TOMMY--Yes, cats can see in the dark, and so can Ethel; 'cause when Mr. Wright walked into the parlor when she was sitting all alone in the dark, I heard her say to him, "Why, Arthur, you didn't get shaved to-day."
* * * * *
"Too bad they can't train cats to understand baseball," remarked the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers. "They'd make ideal umpires. One life for each inning."
* * * * *
"Oh, I am awfully worried. I walk in my sleep." "I only wish I could do it. If I could I'd still have my job on the police force."
* * * * *
He was a genial, smiling man And fond of whisky plain, But when he joined the temperance club, He never smiled again.
* * * * *
She wants to be punctual, always on time, So carries her watch where she goes. And if you examine her wardrobe you'll find She even has clocks on her hose.
* * * * *
MERCHANT (to his confidential clerk)--Here's a letter from Mr. Slowpay, but no money. What's the matter with him?
CLERK--Oh, he's all write.
"Who's all write?"
"Slowpay."
But they didn't cheer any, for there's no cheer in such writing.
* * * * *
"Only a silver watch," said the pawnbroker. "The last time I advanced you money on your watch it had a solid gold case."
"Yes," replied Hard-uppe, "but--er--circumstances alter cases, you know."
* * * * *
VISITOR--"Oh, what a nice parrot you've got! Pretty Polly! Polly want a cracker?"
PARROT--"Oh, come off! I'm not as green as I look."
* * * * *
"Dear," said the physician's wife, "when can you let me have ten dollars?"
"Well," replied the medical man. "I hope to cash a draft shortly."
"Cash a draft? What draft?"
"The one I saw old Jenkins sitting in this morning."
* * * * *
NEWLYWED-"What do bachelors know about women?"
OLDBACH-"Lots; otherwise they would not be bachelors."
* * * * *
"And did you never kiss a girl under the mistletoe?"
"Well, no; its pleasanter to kiss her under the nose."
* * * * *
WIFE-Will you see that my grave is kept green, my darling?
HUSBAND--No, my dear, but I will plant violets upon it.
"For what reason?"
"Because I do not wish any grave-robber to dig up your body."
"How will the planting of violets upon my grave prevent them from digging me up?"
"Your grave will be kept inviolate, of course."
* * * * *
HAUGHTY LADY--(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on myself?
POST OFFICE ASSISTANT (very politely)--Not necessarily, ma'am; it will probably accomplish more if you put it on the letter.
* * * * *
My dentist has an eagle eye And vicious tools he hacks with, He's clever, but I've come to think He'd make a better blacksmith.
* * * * *
"Well, I see Admiral Dewey's rank is reduced."
"What is he, a commodore?"
"No."
"A captain?"
"No."
"Well, what is he?"
"Mrs. Dewey's second mate."
* * * * *
"Well, have you anything to say?" asked the Judge.
The little man on the witness stand looked around the court-room rather fearfully.
"That depends," he answered at last "Is my wife in the room?"
* * * * *
"I hope they don't give my little boy any naughty nicknames in school?"
"Yes, ma, they call me 'Corns'."
"How dreadful! And why do they call you that?"
"Cause in our class, you know, I'm always at the foot."
* * * * *
"Every time I get on a ferry boat it makes me cross."
* * * * *
"How is Uncle Mose coming on?" asked Sam Johnsing of Jim Webster.
"He will be out in a few days."
"Is his rheumatism done gone?"
"Well, not perzackly. Dar's room for improvement yit."
"Yes, I've heerd some rheumers ter dat effec'."
* * * * *
--"When Mrs. Riley died she left $40,000 sewed up in her bustle."
--"Dear me! That's a lot of money to leave behind."
* * * * *
"John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion?"
"Yes, sir; attraction of gravitation pulls a drunken man down to the ground and the attraction of cohesion prevents his getting up again."
* * * * *
DOCTOR--You are fagged out; you must give up all headwork.
PATIENT--Why, that spells ruin! I'm a hair-dresser!
* * * * *
After a man has had occasion to employ a first-class lawyer it is useless to tell him that talk is cheap.
* * * * *
"My dear, what makes you always yawn?" The wife exclaimed, her temper gone, "Is home so dull and dreary?" "Not so, my love," he said, "Not so; But man and wife are _one_, you know; And when _alone_ I'm weary!"
* * * * *
A man stole a harness the other day and never left a trace.
* * * * *
"Why does a donkey eat thistles?" asked a Texas teacher of one of the largest boys in the class.
"Because he is an ass, I reckon."
* * * * *
"Doing anything now, Bill?"
"Oh, yes, I'm kept busy all the time."
"Ah, glad to hear it. What are you doing?"
"Looking for a job."
* * * * *
"Jones caught the hay fever from dancing with a grass widow."
* * * * *
Of all the saws That I ever saw saw, I never saw a saw Saw like this saw saws.
* * * * *
"I see villainy in your face," said a judge to a prisoner.
"May it please your honor," said the latter, "that is a personal reflection."
* * * * *
Don't pen missives to your best girl on postal cards. She may have suspicion that you do not care two cents for her.
* * * * *
"Can you give me a front room on the first floor?" asked a travelling man of the recently installed clerk.
"Can I give it to you?"
"Yes, that is what I remarked."
"That's queer," said the clerk, "you're the fourth man to-day who thought I owned this hotel."
* * * * *
"I know a man who says he can't sit down and he can't stand up."
"Well, if he tells the truth, he lies."
* * * * *
Mirrors reflect without speaking and women often speak without reflecting.
* * * * *
A mechanic his labor will often discard, If the rate of his pay he dislikes: But a clock-and its case is uncommonly hard-- Will continue to work though it _strikes_!
* * * * *
"I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church," he urged; "I am a spiritualist."
"I am afraid it will," she replied "Pa is a prohibitionist, you know."
* * * * *
"One day in the dining-car, the boy across the aisle got to laughing so, he couldn't stop. I said to his mother, 'that boy needs a spanking.' She said, 'well, I don't believe in spanking a boy on a full stomach.' I said, 'neither do I. Turn him over-'"
* * * * *
The tramp should never complain of hunger when he can always enjoy a little loaf.
* * * * *
"My face is my fortune, sir," she said, But her suitor saw right through her; She meant she could not cash a check, Unless the banker knew her.
* * * * *
"I understand that Judge Brown is breaking up housekeeping."
"That can't be. He's very busy these days deciding divorce cases."
"Well, isn't that what I said?"
* * * * *
"That was a pretty good dog story, wasn't it?" asked Dinwiddie, as he finished telling one.
"Yes," replied Gaswell; "but it was too long. It ought to have been curtailed."
* * * * *
Casey bet on a horse which finished last. He went down to the paddock, called out the jockey who had ridden him and said: "In hivin's name, young man, phwat delayed you?"
* * * * *
"And you really think that a miss is as good as a mile?"
"Yaas, and a good deal better, for one can kiss a miss, when one couldn't kiss a mile, don'cher know?"
* * * * *