Part 5
The first impulse of the young married man, on being presented with his first baby, is to give it a-weigh.
* * * * *
MRS. B.--Have you seen the new dance called "The Automobile?"
MR. B.--No; sort of breakdown, I suppose?
* * * * *
A young lady in Philadelphia is said to have had five lovers, all named Samuel. Her photograph album must be a book of Sams.
* * * * *
"You should sleep on your right side, madam."
"I really can't do it, doctor; my husband talks in his sleep, and I can't hear a thing with my left ear."
* * * * *
There is a Presbyterian in Jersey City so openly opposed to baptism by immersion that he refuses to carry a Waterbury watch.
* * * * *
The following is a resolution of an Irish corporation: "That a new jail should be built, that this be done out of the material of the old one, and the old jail to be used until the new one be completed."
* * * * *
City Niece--"The windows in our new church are stained."
Country Aunt--"Ain't that a pity. Can't they get nothing to take it off?"
* * * * *
Broker--"Don't you find it easier to shave some men than others?"
Barber--"Yes; don't you?"
* * * * *
"Say Dad, what is an expert accountant?"
"An expert accountant," replied the father, "is a man who becomes famous by robbing a bank for two years before he is discovered."
* * * * *
Some men get up with the lark, while others want a swallow the first thing in the morning.
* * * * *
HE--Time and tide wait for no man.
SHE--No, but a woman will.
* * * * *
Sing not to me of falling dew Upon the purple hills, For I am worried far too much By falling due of bills.
* * * * *
"You say his wife's a brunette? I thought he married a blonde."
"He did, but she dyed."
* * * * *
"Miss Prim is a very proper young lady."
"Yes; she wouldn't even accompany a young man on the piano without a chaperon."
* * * * *
"He's quite a star as an after dinner speaker, isn't he?"
"Star? He's a regular moon. He becomes brighter the fuller he gets."
* * * * *
DICK--"Do you think you'll have much trouble in popping the question?"
TOM--"No, I think I'll have more trouble in questioning the pop."
* * * * *
What do you think of Windig?
He reminds me of a river.
What's the answer?
The biggest part of him is his mouth.
* * * * *
Here is a chestnut your ire arouses, So often it's brought to your minds, "People who live in glass houses" Should always "pull down the blinds."
* * * * *
"Yes, the team is quite a good one, Mr. Horsley," he said as he returned the livery man's brag team, "but it has two drawbacks." "Oh, indeed; and may I inquire what they are?" "The lines."
* * * * *
The old lady who sent as presents to a newly-married couple a rolling-pin, a pain of flat-irons and a motto inscribed "Fight On," must have a grudge against them.
* * * * *
A man who had not the best reputation for strict veracity died the other day, and the family was greatly incensed because some well-meaning friends sent in a broken lyre as a floral tribute.
* * * * *
"It's been a coal day when you're left," said the kindling-wood to the cinder. "You're too chip-per," replied the cinder to the kindling wood. "Go to blazes," said the match, as it dropped in and fired both up.
* * * * *
"That young gentleman has a very taking manner," said one young lady to another at a party, of a young man who had just left them.
"Yes," was the reply, "that's his business."
"His business? What is he?"
"A photographer."
* * * * *
KID--Did the dogs ever bite you?
GENT--What dogs?
KID--The dogs you ran after. Pa was telling Ma that you used to chase the growler when he first knew you.
* * * * *
GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence?
G.A.R.--Yes, but is was a more common sight to see a sentry box.
* * * * *
A simple old farmer, McVeagh, Whom every one said was a jeagh, Fell in with a man On the confidence plan, And now he is back making heagh.
* * * * *
"Why, the bare idea!"
"Of what, dear?"
"Telling the naked truth!"
* * * * *
BESS--May wears the worst clothes when she is riding horseback. Look at her now!
FRED--That certainly is one of her bad habits.
* * * * *
"That," said the loaf, pointing to the oven, "is where I was bred."
* * * * *
FIRST FLY--Did it ever occur to you the baldheaded men have a keener sense of humor than others?
SECOND FLY--Well, I have noticed that they seem to be easily tickled.
* * * * *
The rubber plant was rubb'ring round In a manner most absurd: The long green corn prickled up her ears And this is what she heard:
"Wot's tomato wid you, you beat?" Asked the onion of the hash, "I'm jealous of the potato, Because he's got a mash.
"He is stuck on the honeycomb, And suits her to a tea, I used to be in love myself, But the cream has soured on me."
* * * * *
"Why do you call your dog hardware?"
"Because when I go to whip him he makes a bolt for the door."
* * * * *
HUSBAND--That ice box of ours reminds me of a good pinochle player.
WIFE--Why?
HUSBAND--Because it is a great melter.
* * * * *
HE: Do you know, dear, you remind me of Huyler's candy.
SHE: Why? Because I am "so sweet?"
HE: No! "Fresh every hour."
* * * * *
LANDLADY (proudly)--Nothing goes to waste in this house. I make hash out of everything that's left over.
BOARDER--(musingly)--But what do you do with the hash that's left over?
LANDLADY--Re-hash it!
* * * * *
"If," said the druggist, "you will give this new tonic a trial I'm sure you will never use any other."
"Excuse me," rejoined the customer, "but I prefer something less fatal."
* * * * *
"Do you know, George, Papa thinks you are a literary man."
"Where did he get that idea?"
"I don't know, but he said you looked just like a bookmaker."
* * * * *
STUDENT--Professor, which is the logical way of reaching a conclusion?
PROFESSOR--Take a train of thought, my boy.
* * * * *
SMITH--They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer loses his nerve.
JONES--The engineer, perhaps, but not the Pullman porter!
* * * * *
"What do you mean by referring to Miss Elderly as a pall-bearer?"
"She sits around all day long with a green parrot on her shoulder. I don't like such Poll-bearers."
* * * * *
COURTNEY--When you proposed to Miss Dexter did you get down on your knees?
BARCLAY--No, I couldn't; she was sitting on them.
* * * * *
KICKSY--Wife, can you tell me why I am like a hen?
MRS. KICKSY--No, dear, why is it?
KICKSY--Because I can seldom find anything where I laid it yesterday.
* * * * *
"Did you ever hear about the two holes in our back-yard?"
"Well! Well!"
* * * * *
"Old Jones was killed last night by a dew-drop."
"Must have been a very heavy one."
"About four hundred tons."
"Horrible!"
"You see he was standing under the trestle, and a freight train ran off the track and dropped on him."
"But how about the dew?"
"Why, the train was due!"
* * * * *
FIRST DOCTOR--Well, doctor, I had a peculiar case to-day.
SECOND DOCTOR--What was it, please?
FIRST DOCTOR--I attended a grass widow who is afflicted with hay fever.
* * * * *
FRED--Did you hear of The Western Furniture Co. advertising for models.
DICK--What for?
FRED--To try on Parlor suits.
* * * * *
"Yes, there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you dyspepsia."
"And what part is that?"
"The hole in the middle!"
* * * * *
FANNIE--Why do people always apply the name of "she" to a city?
GEORGE--I don't know. Why is it?
FANNIE--Because every city has outskirts.
* * * * *
"And you really believe that Friday is an unlucky day?"
"I know it is."
"Washington was born on Friday, and so was Napoleon and Tennyson and Gladstone."
"Yes, and every mother's son of them is dead!"
* * * * *
"Are you an amateur photographer?"
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Oh, I heard that you got Miss Rox's negative last night."
* * * * *
Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St. Patrick's Day.
PAT--"If I'm up first I'll make a chalk mark on the door."
MIKE--"And if I get up first I'll rub it out!"
* * * * *
SIBLY--When Steve proposed to me he acted like a fish out of water.
TIRPIE--Why shouldn't he? He knew he was caught.
* * * * *
SHE--Why do they call it an arm of the sea?
HE--Because it hugs the shore, I guess.
* * * * *
The sunshine warm and budding trees, Made Johnny feel quite gay. He went to swim--the obsequies Are being held to-day.
* * * * *
"What's the matter, John? You look kind o' weather-beaten this morning."
"That's exactly what I am. I bet five dollars it would rain yesterday, and it didn't!"
* * * * *
"Can you swim, little boy?"
"Yes, sir."
"Where did you learn?"
"In the water, sir."
* * * * *
MILLIE--"I wonder what the holes in a porous plaster are for?"
WILLIE--"Why, they're for the pain to come out through, of course!"
* * * * *
"It's a good idea to make light of your troubles." "I do," replied Happigo; "whenever a creditor sends me a letter I burn it."
* * * * *
"What have you got to say for yourself?" "Jes dis, suh; I wants a liar to defend me." "You mean a lawyer?" "Yes, suh; I knowed I most had it!"
* * * * *
"So her second husband is a tenor?"
"Yes; she says her first was a bass deceiver!"
* * * * *
"I cannot play second fiddle to any one."
"Then be my beau!"
* * * * *
JIMSON--Now, you wouldn't marry me, would you?
MISS SEARS--Most certainly not; but why do you ask such a question?
JIMSON--Just to decide a bet.
* * * * *
CLARA--"He gave me an army-and-navy kiss."
MAUD--"What kind is that?"
CLARA--"Oh, rapid fire--sixty a minute!"
* * * * *
"Young man, don't you know you ought to lay something by for a rainy day?" "I do; my rubbers."
* * * * *
THE ONLY REMEDY--"Mamma, I dess you'll have to turn the hose on me."
"Why, dear?"
"'Tause I'se dot my 'tocking on wrong side out."
* * * * *
HE--"I saw you out driving yesterday with a gentleman. He appeared to have only one arm; is that all he has?"
SHE--"Oh, no; the other arm was around somewhere."
* * * * *
"Why are pugilists like chickens?"
"Because they live on 'scraps!'"
* * * * *
MAY--I wonder what the men do at the club?
PAMELA--From what Jack says I guess they play with the kitty most of the time.
* * * * *
SWATTER--I see you are mentioned in one of the books just published.
PRIMLY--Indeed! What book?
SWATTER--The directory.
* * * * *
"Do you go to church to hear the sermon or the music, Maude?" "I go for the hims," said Maud.
* * * * *
CUSTOMER--Why do you call this electric cake?
BAKER'S BOY--I 'spose becuz it has currants in it.
* * * * *
"That tenor of yours has a marvelous voice. He can hold one of his notes for half a minute."
"Shucks! I've held one of his notes for two years."
* * * * *
Coleridge, who was a bad rider, was accosted when on horseback by a wag, who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam, "The same thing that happened to me--An ass spoke to him."
* * * * *
MOTHER--"What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe?" Innocent--"Shall I leave out the swear words, mother?" Mother--"Certainly, my dear." Innocent--"Then I don't think he said anything."
* * * * *
"So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were you?" asked the garrulous person; "regular comic-opera bandits, eh?"
"No sir," said the traveler; "there was nothing of the comic-opera style about them. The gags they used were all new."
* * * * *
An excellent reason.--Casey--"Oi'll wurk no more fer thot mon Dolan." Mrs. Casey--"An' phwy?" Casey--"Shure, t'is an account av a remark thot he made t' me." Mrs. Casey--"Phwat did he say?" Casey--"Sez he, 'Pat, ye're discharged.'"
* * * * *
OLD LADY (at a ball game)--"Why do they call that a fowl? I don't see no feathers."
O'RILEY--"No ma'am. It's a picked nine."
* * * * *
Men are deceivers as a rule, And trust them far you never can; Though at confectioner's sometimes You may unearth a candied man!
* * * * *
A lady was looking for her husband and inquired anxiously of a housemaid, "Do you happen to know anything of your master's whereabouts?"
"I'm not sure, ma'am," replied the careful domestic, "but I think they are in the wash."
* * * * *
"Have you much room in your new flat?"
"Room! Mercy me, I should think not. Why, our kitchen and dining-room are so small that we have to use condensed milk."
* * * * *
"Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant." "While driving through the park don't speak to your horses. They carry tales." "All animals are not in cages. There are some dandelions on the lawn."
* * * * *
She heard the fog-horn blowing, "And what is that?" quoth she, The sailor merrily Replied: "it's just the dog-watch, ma'am, Whose bark is on the sea."
* * * * *
"She thinks that her husband is very economical."
"In what way?"
"She says that although he is passionately fond of cloves, he never eats but one at a time."
* * * * *
"I saw your sister on the street to-day."
"How was she looking?"
"I don't know. I didn't see her face."
"How did you know it was my sister?"
"Oh, I'm quick at figures."
* * * * *
"What is the secret of success?" asked the Sphinx.
"Push," said the Button.
"Never be led," said the Pencil.
"Take pains," said the Window.
"Always keep cool," said the Ice.
"Be up to date," said the Calendar.
"Never lose your head," said the Barrel.
"Make light of everything," said the Fire.
"Do a driving business," said the Hammer.
"Aspire to greater things," said the Nutmeg.
"Be sharp in all your dealings," said the Knife.
"Find a good thing and stick to it," said the Glue.
"Do the work you are suited for," said the Chimney.
* * * * *
He kissed her on the cheek; It seemed a harmless frolic; He's been laid up a week-- They say, with painter's colic.
* * * * *
Charlemagne was in need of amusement.
"Why," they asked him, "do you have such a large number of court jesters in constant attendance on your royal person?"
"Because," he replied, with a right regal chuckle, "I could not earn the surname of 'The Great' were I not careful to keep my wits about me."
* * * * *
A certain young man told his girl the other night that if she didn't marry him he'd get a rope and hang himself right in front of her home.
"Oh, please don't do it, Harry," she said. "You know father doesn't want you hanging around here."
* * * * *
Three women may a secret keep If, as it has been said, There's one of the lot has heard it not And the other two are dead.
* * * * *
Lovett--You don't believe in divorce, then?
Hayter--No, sir; I've got too much sportin' blood.
Lovett--What has that to do with it?
Hayter--I believe in a fight to the finish.
* * * * *
Lawyer: "Have you conscientious scruples against serving as a juror where the penalty is death?"
Boston Talesman: "I have."
Lawyer: "What, is your objection?"
Boston Talesman: "I do not desire to die."
* * * * *
Cohen left the ball-game because he said the umpire looked right at him when he called "three balls!"
* * * * *
"A Maine dealer says he has sold more skates this season than he has ever sold before in an entire season."
"That proves what I have contended right along."
"What's that?"
"That prohibition does not prohibit."
* * * * *
Alas, for all their ecstasy, They knew not what was best: The young man reached the front door, The old man did the rest.
* * * * *
"Paw, can an honest man play poker?"
"Yes, Tommy; but he can't win anything."
* * * * *
If Pearl Street is crooked; Is Union Square?
* * * * *
"Why so glum, Blumly? Anything gone wrong?"
"Yes, I've just lost two of my best friends."
"By death or marriage?"
"Neither. I loaned them money."
* * * * *
Little Mary, quite contrary, How does your appetite grow? Lobsters and quail, champagne in a pail, And a "friend" to supply all the dough!
* * * * *
HE--Then I am to understand that you have given me the mitten, as it were?
SHE--You have said it.
HE--And is this all?
SHE--Of course it is. What more do you want--a pair of socks?
* * * * *
"Hey, boy, where's your brother?"
"In the barn, shoein' horses."
"Where's your mother?"
"In the back yard, shooin' chickens."
"Where's your father?"
"In the hammock, shooin' flies."
* * * * *
"Harold!" began his wife, in a furious temper, "my mind is made up----"
"Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I had hoped that your mind, at least, was your own!"
* * * * *
CUSTOMER: "You have a sign in your window, 'A suit of clothes made while you wait.' Do you really do that?"
TAILOR: "Yes, sir. You leave your order, with a deposit, and then go home and wait till the garments are finished."
* * * * *
"Mother, may I go out to wheel?" "Yes, my darling daughter; I suppose, of course, you won't wear skirts, Although I think you oughter."
* * * * *
LADY--What! You here again? I don't believe you have done a thing all Summer.
TRAMP--You do me an injustice, mum. I jist finished doin' thirty days.
* * * * *
"Betty, why do you sit up at this hour of the night darning your stockings?" said mother, sharply; "don't you know it's 12 o'clock?"
"Oh, yes," laughed Betty, "but it's never too late to mend!"
* * * * *
"Now, why," remarked the little dog, in speaking to the tree, "Would you say that the heart of you is like the tail of me?" The tree gave the conundrum up. The pup, with wisdom dark, Explained the matter saying, "It is farthest from the bark."
* * * * *
BUTCHER--I need a boy about your size, and will give you $1 a week.
APPLICANT--Will I have a chance to rise?
BUTCHER--Yes; I want you to be here at four o'clock in the morning.
* * * * *
A prominent man called to condone with a lady on the death of her husband, and concluded by saying, "Did he leave you much?"
"Nearly every night," was the reply.
* * * * *
Bill had a billboard. Bill also had a board bill. The board bill bored Bill so that Bill sold the billboard to pay board bill. So, after Bill sold his billboard to pay his board bill, the board bill no longer bored Bill.
* * * * *
TOMMY--Pa, did you really mean it when you said you'd spank anyone that broke that vase?
PA--Just come here, sir, and I'll show you.
TOMMY--Don't show me. Show Bridget; she just broke it.
* * * * *
"Here _lies_ poor Sam: and what is strange, Grim death has worked in him a change---- He _always lied_ and always will, He once lied loud and now lies _still_."
* * * * *
"I'd like to see your mistress. Is she engaged?"
"Lord, sir! she's married; been married for twenty years."
* * * * *
BROWN--I hear that they use all sorts of materials in the manufacture of illuminating gas, nowadays.
JONES--True. They even make light of the consumer's complaints.
* * * * *
"Me eyes is crossed," sighed Kate. "No, love," "Not crossed," cried Pat. "Be jaber, 'Tis jist that aich is jealous of The beauty av its neighbor."
* * * * *
The other day the head of a boarding-school noticed one of the boys wiping his knife on the table-cloth, and pounced on him at once.
"Is that what you do at home?" he asked indignantly.
"Oh, no," answered the boy quickly, "we have clean knives."
* * * * *
JOHN--Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast?
TOM--Sure I do.
JOHN--Glue it to the floor.
* * * * *
"Pa," said little Willie, who had been reading a treatise on phrenology, "what is a bump of destructiveness?"
"Why--er--a railroad collision, I suppose,"
* * * * *
He always kneeled before the maid And kissed her finger tips; But he lost out. Another man Came by and kissed her lips.
* * * * *
"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I hope you are not going into politics."
"What made you think of that?"
"I heard you talking in your sleep about 'standing pat.'"
* * * * *
A man and his bride by the parson were tied, And when the performance was done, "Alas!" exclaimed he, examining his fee, "I add one to one and make one."
* * * * *
MISTRESS (to cook who has fallen down stairs)--I hope that you did not hurt yourself, Mary?
MARY--Oh, no, ma'am; Oi overtook meself at the bottom.
* * * * *
We're all often forced to rob Peter In order to settle with Paul, But some of us merely rob Peter And Paul never sees us at all.
* * * * *
SHE--"I think this a lovely hat you bought me, George, but really it's a sin to pay $50.00 for it."
HE--"Well, the sin is on your own head, not mine."
* * * * *