Part 5
Don’t be silly. Of course there is.
EDWARD
Carol wouldn’t care.
ZOE
What difference does that make? Really, Edward, you’re being horribly flaccid over the whole thing!
EDWARD
Don’t let’s argue about it.
ZOE
All right.
EDWARD
But please don’t go away again—just yet.
ZOE
I’ll think it over, Edward.
EDWARD
You’ve depressed me terribly.
ZOE
I’m sorry.
EDWARD
It’s all such a hopeless muddle.
ZOE
It needn’t be.
EDWARD
I’d no idea you were so designing.
ZOE
What a horrid thing to say!
EDWARD
It’s true though, isn’t it?
ZOE
Absolutely.
EDWARD
Oh, Zoe—
ZOE
I must go.
EDWARD
Remember lunch.
ZOE
I’ll pick you up here.
EDWARD
No, don’t—I’ll meet you.
ZOE
Where?
EDWARD
Berkeley—one o’clock.
ZOE
I’m sure to be late.
EDWARD
So am I.
ZOE
Good-by, dear.
[_She goes up to him and kisses him lightly._]
EDWARD
Zoe!
ZOE
That was part of the design!
[_She goes out. EDWARD walks up and down irritably for a moment, then lights a cigarette and flings himself into an armchair. The telephone rings. He gives an exclamation of annoyance and rises to answer it._]
EDWARD
[_At telephone_]
Hallo!... Yes—yes.... Who is it speaking?... No, I’m afraid you can’t. She isn’t very well—
[_CAROL enters in time to catch the last sentence._]
CAROL
Who is it?
EDWARD
Oh.... Hold on, please.... Harry Challoner.
[_He hands her the telephone curtly and goes over to the window._]
CAROL
[_At telephone_]
Hallo!... Yes, it’s me.... No—no, I can’t. I’m sorry.... All right, if you like.... I’ll be in between six and seven.... Yes.... Good-by.
[_She hangs up the receiver and looks toward EDWARD who has his back turned. She is about to go out again, when he turns._]
EDWARD
Carol.
CAROL
Yes?
EDWARD
I want to talk to you.
CAROL
Is anything the matter?
EDWARD
Yes. Sit down, will you?
CAROL
[_Sitting_]
If you like.
EDWARD
I want to get things settled.
CAROL
Get things settled?
EDWARD
Yes.
CAROL
What sort of things?
EDWARD
Our exact relationship.
CAROL
What _do_ you mean?
EDWARD
Just that.
CAROL
I don’t understand.
EDWARD
I think you do.
CAROL
[_By now extremely apprehensive_]
I don’t Edward, honestly.
EDWARD
Do you intend to pursue your present course indefinitely?
CAROL
What are you talking about?
EDWARD
Infidelity.
CAROL
Are you insinuating that I—
EDWARD
I’m insinuating nothing. I’m stating that you have been unfaithful to me.
CAROL
[_Rising_]
Edward!
EDWARD
[_Firmly_]
Sit down. This is not a scene—it’s a process of readjustment. Please let us keep it as brief as possible.
CAROL
[_Sinking down_]
How can you be so horrible!
EDWARD
Do you deny it?
CAROL
Of course I do.
EDWARD
Carol, let me disillusion you. I’m not bluffing. I _know_. I’ve known for ages. It’s no use wasting time denying and arguing. We must decide what’s to be done about it.
CAROL
How can you be so foul!
EDWARD
[_Wearily_]
Oh, Carol, do stop acting.
CAROL
You’re insufferable.
EDWARD
Once and for all will you be sensible?
CAROL
I hate you.
EDWARD
That would be beautifully definite if you weren’t so unreliable.
CAROL
Do you want me to hate you?
EDWARD
To be honest with you, I really don’t mind.
CAROL
[_Outraged_]
Edward!
EDWARD
Don’t be a fool, Carol.
CAROL
How dare you! How dare you!
EDWARD
We will face facts, please.
CAROL
[_Rising_]
I’m not going to stay here and be insulted.
EDWARD
You’re not being insulted—it’s I who have been insulted. You’ve been publicly underrating my intelligence for months.
CAROL
That’s what’s upsetting you, is it?
EDWARD
Certainly it is. I wish you’d sit down.
CAROL
I’m going to my room.
EDWARD
You’re only temporarily evading the issues by doing that.
CAROL
What’s the object of all this?
EDWARD
The object, as I said before, is to get our relationship satisfactorily defined.
CAROL
[_With grandeur_]
It’s satisfactorily defined now as far as I am concerned.
EDWARD
I would prefer the satisfaction to be mutual.
CAROL
You think you’re very clever, don’t you?
EDWARD
What a common remark! You’ll be sticking your tongue out at me in a minute.
CAROL
I suppose Zoe has been putting you up to this.
EDWARD
Meaning that I have no initiative of my own anyhow?
CAROL
Exactly.
EDWARD
That’s charming of you—and fits in beautifully with your behavior during the last year.
CAROL
Are you in love with me still?
EDWARD
Do you expect me to be?
CAROL
Are you?
EDWARD
No, Carol.
CAROL
I see.
EDWARD
All of which is beside the point.
CAROL
No, it isn’t. If you loved me you’d never say such things to me.
EDWARD
I admit that it would be more comfortable for you if I just suffered and suffered in silence.
CAROL
You’re too unemotional to be capable of any suffering.
EDWARD
Do you imagine you’re putting up a good defense for yourself?
CAROL
I’m not attempting to.
EDWARD
That brings us to my ultimatum.
CAROL
[_With a forced laugh_]
Ultimatum! Really Edward!
EDWARD
You’ve been unfaithful to me three times during the past year—Maurice Verney, Geoffrey Poole, and now Harry Challoner!
CAROL
[_Blanching slightly_]
Edward!
EDWARD
All three married men, which adds considerably to the general sordidness of the whole business.
CAROL
[_Losing control_]
I will _not_ be spoken to like this!
EDWARD
[_With sudden force_]
Be quiet! Do you still deny it?
CAROL
[_More dimly_]
No.
EDWARD
That’s better.
CAROL
[_Sullenly_]
I’m sorry.
EDWARD
That’s too sudden to be convincing.
CAROL
[_Breaking up slightly; after a long pause_]
What are you going to do?
EDWARD
Wait until next time.
CAROL
Next time?
EDWARD
Yes.
CAROL
And what then?
EDWARD
I shall divorce you.
CAROL
Edward!
EDWARD
I mean it. Whether the man happens to be married or single will not make the slightest difference.
CAROL
[_Looking down_]
I see.
EDWARD
Is that quite clear?
CAROL
Quite.
EDWARD
Incidentally, I wish you to give up Harry Challoner entirely. I object to you even being seen with such a second-rate bounder.
CAROL
[_Looking at him_]
Very well.
EDWARD
We’ll both do our best to forget the whole thing. We can get along perfectly well together with a little effort.
CAROL
There’s no more, is there?
EDWARD
No, that’s all.
[_CAROL goes slowly toward the door in silence. Her expression is very thoughtful. When she reaches the door she turns._]
CAROL
[_In a different voice_]
Edward.
EDWARD
Yes?
CAROL
Please forgive me.
EDWARD
Forgiveness in this case is surely rather unimportant.
CAROL
Oh, please, please—
[_She bursts into tears and goes toward him_]
EDWARD
Now then, Carol—
CAROL
[_Standing in front of him weeping_]
You must forgive me—you must!
EDWARD
All right.
CAROL
I didn’t love any of them—I swear I didn’t.
EDWARD
[_Turning away irritably_]
Oh, Carol—
CAROL
You’ve been utterly indifferent to me for ages.
EDWARD
Naturally.
CAROL
No, but before—I mean before—last year you stopped loving me.
EDWARD
Please don’t go on like this.
CAROL
It’s true—it’s true. I was lonely.
EDWARD
Don’t talk such utter nonsense.
CAROL
[_Working herself up_]
It isn’t nonsense—it’s you I love really all the time. I hate Harry Challoner, really. I’ve been trying to break with him for ages. I made a vow weeks ago that I’d never be unfaithful to you again—honestly I did, I swear it. I’m sick of everybody. I wanted to ask you to take me away abroad somewhere, but I didn’t dare—you had so much work to do—and you were so cold and horrid. Edward—Edward—you’ve got to love me again—you must. I shall go mad if you don’t. Please—Edward darling.
[_She flings herself into his arms._]
EDWARD
[_Gently disentangling himself_]
There now—it’s all right. Do stop.
[_He kisses her dutifully_]
CAROL
I feel so bitterly ashamed.
EDWARD
Stop crying.
CAROL
I swear I’ll be good. I swear I will.
EDWARD
That’s right. Now control yourself.
CAROL
I’ll never see Harry again.
EDWARD
Very well. For Heaven’s sake stop crying.
CAROL
I do love you really, you know. That’s what makes it so awful.
EDWARD
Pull yourself together.
CAROL
[_Dabbing her eyes_]
I’ll try.
EDWARD
Go and lie down and take something.
CAROL
What shall I take?
EDWARD
Aspirin, I should think.
CAROL
I had some just now.
EDWARD
Have some more.
CAROL
All right. Oh, God!
[_She goes out slowly, still half sobbing. EDWARD heaves a sigh of mingled relief and irritation, he again flings himself into an armchair. Then comes the sound of the front-door bell. He groans. BERRY enters from R._]
EDWARD
Whoever it is, Berry, I’m out.
BERRY
Very good, sir. [_He goes out L. After a moment he re-enters._] I’m very sorry, sir; it’s Major Bathurst. The porter downstairs told him you’d just come in; he’s called already this morning.
EDWARD
Nobody told me. You’d better show him in.
BERRY
Yes, sir. [_He goes out and returns, announcing_] Major Bathurst.
[_EVELYN comes in. He looks more harassed than ever. BERRY goes out._]
EDWARD
Hallo, Evie!
EVELYN
[_Haltingly_]
Edward—I—I’ve come to say good-by.
EDWARD
[_Surprised_]
Good-by!
EVELYN
Yes. I came earlier this morning, but you were out.
EDWARD
But where on earth are you going?
EVELYN
Australia.
EDWARD
Why Australia?
EVELYN
[_Weakly_]
I’ve always wanted to go to Australia.
EDWARD
What _do_ you mean?
EVELYN
I mean I’ve got to go there on business.
EDWARD
It’s very sudden, isn’t it?
EVELYN
Yes. I had a wire from my brother.
EDWARD
I didn’t know he was in Australia.
EVELYN
He isn’t. He’s in Cheltenham, but he sent me a wire saying I ought to go out there at once.
EDWARD
What’s the matter with you, Evie?
EVELYN
Nothing.
EDWARD
You’re not only telling me extremely fatuous lies, but you look like death.
EVELYN
They’re not lies. I—
EDWARD
Don’t he an ass. Have a drink.
EVELYN
No—I don’t want a drink.
EDWARD
What’s wrong?
EVELYN
There’s nothing wrong.
EDWARD
You’d better tell me, you know.
EVELYN
I want to tell you.
EDWARD
Come on, then.
EVELYN
I’ve got to tell you.
EDWARD
Out with it.
EVELYN
But I can’t.
EDWARD
Surely that’s rather silly.
EVELYN
I tried to shoot myself this morning.
EDWARD
You what!!!
EVELYN
Tried to shoot myself.
EDWARD
[_Alarmed_]
In God’s name, why?
EVELYN
[_Brokenly_]
Oh, Edward!
EDWARD
Evie, what _has_ happened?
EVELYN
I’m the filthiest cad in the world.
EDWARD
Don’t be ridiculous.
EVELYN
Our friendship is over forever.
EDWARD
[_With irritation_]
Do stop all this melodrama, Evie, and tell me what’s the matter.
EVELYN
I’ve betrayed you, utterly.
EDWARD
[_In great astonishment_]
Betrayed _me_?
EVELYN
[_Looking down_]
Yes.
EDWARD
How?
EVELYN
[_Brokenly_]
Carol!
EDWARD
Carol! Well, what about her?
EVELYN
Carol dined with me last night.
EDWARD
Oh, did she?
EVELYN
And—and—O my God!
[_He sinks into a chair by the table and leans his head on his arms._]
EDWARD
[_In amazement_]
You don’t seriously mean to tell me—
EVELYN
[_In muffled tones_]
Yes.
EDWARD
You and Carol!
EVELYN
Yes.
EDWARD
This is too much!
[_He bursts out laughing._]
EVELYN
[_Looking up astounded_]
Edward!
EDWARD
I can’t bear it.
[_He laughs louder._]
EVELYN
[_Rising_]
Edward—old man—please—
EDWARD
[_Helplessly_]
It’s unbelievable—incredible. Oh dear!
[_He collapses on the window seat._]
EVELYN
[_Approaching him_]
Edward—for God’s sake—
EDWARD
[_Weakly_]
Don’t come near me. I shall be all right in a minute.
EVELYN
[_With growing anger_]
You must be mad.
EDWARD
I certainly feel very strange.
[_He goes into fits of laughter again._]
EVELYN
[_Outraged_]
Edward—do you realize what I’ve just told you?
EDWARD
[_Trying to control himself_]
Yes—perfectly.
EVELYN
And you can laugh!
EDWARD
Will you hand me a cigarette, please?
EVELYN
[_Irately_]
Look here, Edward—
EDWARD
[_With sudden firmness_]
Will you hand me a cigarette, please.
EVELYN
Here.
[_He offers him his case._]
EDWARD
Thanks. [_He takes one._] Light.
EVELYN
Here.
[_He strikes a match._]
EDWARD
Thanks. I feel better now.
EVELYN
Well! What are you going to do about it?
EDWARD
Ring that bell, will you? By the door.
EVELYN
I can find my own way out.
EDWARD
[_Firmly_]
You’re not going yet. Ring the bell, please.
[_EVELYN looks at him and then goes and rings the bell._]
EVELYN
Look here, Edward, I came here this morning because I felt I owed it to our friendship to confess the truth to you—
EDWARD
You’re out of your depth, Evie—far, far out of your depth.
EVELYN
I don’t know what you mean.
EDWARD
This is reality, not fiction.
[_BERRY enters._]
BERRY
You rang, sir?
EDWARD
Will you ask your mistress to come down immediately, please, Berry? It’s very important.
BERRY
Yes, sir.
[_He goes out._]
EVELYN
[_Panic-stricken_]
Edward, this is not fair of you.
EDWARD
[_Unceremoniously_]
Shut up.
EVELYN
This is between us.
EDWARD
The three of us, Evie—what’s known, I believe, as the eternal triangle.
EVELYN
Let me tell you one thing—what happened was not deliberate.
EDWARD
You prefer to be thought a fool rather than a cad!
EVELYN
Yes, if you like to put it that way.
EDWARD
How typical!
EVELYN
I only asked Carol to dine, in the first place, for your sake.
EDWARD
For my sake?
EVELYN
Yes, I intended to teach her a lesson.
EDWARD
And she ended up by teaching you one.
EVELYN
[_Utterly shocked_]
Edward!
EDWARD
Men of your sort should stick to athletics and not attempt physiology.
EVELYN
I deserve that.
EDWARD
[_Agreeably_]
Fully.
[_CAROL enters from R. She starts visibly on seeing EVELYN._]
CAROL
What’s the matter?
EDWARD
Don’t look so surprised, Carol. It’s terribly irritating.
CAROL
I don’t understand.
EDWARD
I gather that you and Evie—
EVELYN
[_Wounded by such frankness_]
Edward!
CAROL
[_Looking at EVELYN_]
You cad!
EDWARD
It was very unpleasant of you, Carol—
CAROL
[_Appealingly_]
Edward, please—
EDWARD
I should like to know how it all happened.
EVELYN
I told you—I—
EDWARD
Carol will you explain, please?
CAROL
Certainly not.
EDWARD
Very well. You must allow me to reconstruct it for myself.
EVELYN
Surely this is unnecessary.
EDWARD
That is entirely for me to decide.
CAROL
You’re being unbelievably cheap.
EDWARD
[_Mildly_]
Really, Carol—keep a slight grip on your values.
EVELYN
Say what you like. I don’t care.
EDWARD
It wouldn’t make the slightest difference if you did.
EVELYN
Damned ungenerous.
EDWARD
Shut up and don’t be an ass. You and Carol have brought about this abominable situation. It’s up to you to keep quiet and let me straighten it out in my own way.
EVELYN
[_Turning away_]
Very well.
EDWARD
Thank you. Now then—Evie, you asked Carol to dine with you alone at your flat?
EVELYN
Yes.
EDWARD
Why?
EVELYN
I told you.
EDWARD
In order to teach her a lesson.
CAROL
Oh, this is insufferable.
EDWARD
You’re perfectly right, it is. I gather that the first part of the lesson, Evie, necessitated you making love to her. Am I right?
EVELYN
[_Impatiently_]
Oh yes—
EDWARD
And then what?
[_Turning_]
EVELYN
Look here, Edward, I’m damned if I’m going to listen to this any longer—
CAROL
Neither am I!
EDWARD
Tell me the truth, then, Carol. It will simplify matters considerably. Do you love Evie?
CAROL
No.
EDWARD
Then why, if it’s not an indelicate question, did you—
CAROL
[_Violently_]
Because he insulted me and tried to humiliate me and I determined to show him that he wasn’t as clever as he thought he was.
EDWARD
Admirable. You, Evie, had the ineffable conceit to pit your meager experience of the world against an extremely attractive and obviously unscrupulous woman. You then give in to her completely despite the fact that she is the wife of your friend; and not content with that, you turn on her afterward, work yourself up into a frenzy of false melodramatic values, rush round here and blurt it out to me doubtless under the delusion that by uncovering the whole shameful business you are vindicating your own honor! Oh, Evie, what a pitiful fool you are!
EVELYN
It’s no use blackguarding me any more, is it? What are you going to do about it?
EDWARD
I don’t quite know yet.
CAROL
There’s nothing to be done.
EDWARD
You’re too sure of yourself, Carol—you always have been.
EVELYN
I wish to God I had shot myself.
EDWARD
It’s a little late to think of that now.
EVELYN
You’re being unnecessarily cruel, Edward.
EDWARD
I’m afraid I’m a bitter disappointment to you both. You see emotionally I’m unmoved. The capacity for feeling very deeply over Carol died a long while ago.
EVELYN
I should have thought that for the sake of our friendship—
EDWARD
That’s sheer cant. You’ve considerably over-estimated our friendship for years. If you care to analyze it honestly you’ll discover that we both bore one another stiff and always have. We were at school together—in different forms—since when we’ve dined together on an average of once a month. We’ve confided our troubles superficially for the want of something to talk about. We’re poles apart mentally and physically; we’ve built up this so-called great friendship on a basis of false tradition, and the only reason I realized it first is because my brain functions quicker than yours—
EVELYN
[_Shattered_]
Edward!
EDWARD
And I should like to add—having naturally a more acute sense of sex psychology than you—that the reason you took such a fatal interest in Carol’s morals was not on my account at all, but because she’d snubbed you severely several times and you were probably very much attracted to her.
EVELYN
It’s not true. You’re disgusting.
EDWARD
Be that as it may, the solution to the whole thing is obvious.
EVELYN
What do you mean?
EDWARD
I’ll tell you. Carol, you must go away immediately.
CAROL
[_Horrified_]
Edward—
EVELYN
[_Stricken_]
But—I—I—
EDWARD
Wait a moment. Let me explain. Carol, you and I have no longer the slightest justification for living together. If you go away abroad somewhere I will make it perfectly easy for you to divorce me. If you don’t agree to this, I shall file a petition against you at once, naming Evie as corespondent. That’s the second ultimatum I’ve delivered this morning and I’m feeling extremely tired.
[_He sits down._]
CAROL
Edward, you can’t mean this—you can’t.
EDWARD
I do. I mean it more than I’ve ever meant anything in my life.
CAROL
[_Bursting into tears of rage_]
I won’t stand it. I won’t!
EDWARD
You’re not being very polite to Evie.
EVELYN
You think you’re being damned clever.
EDWARD
That’s been hurled at me so often just lately that I’m honestly beginning to believe I am.
CAROL
You utter beast.
EDWARD
Well—what’s the decision?
CAROL
[_Wailing_]
I’ll never speak to you again—never—never—never.
EDWARD
[_Rising_]
Evie?
EVELYN
[_Gruffly_]
You’d better give us time to think.
EDWARD
What is the time now, anyhow?
EVELYN
[_Looking at his watch_]
Twenty past one.
EDWARD
My God! I knew I should be late. I’ll be at the Berkeley if you want me.
[_EDWARD goes out. EVELYN and CAROL look after him and then at each other._]
[_CAROL after a pause walks over and sits next to EVIE._]
CAROL
Evie.
EVIE
What?
CAROL
[_Sweetly_]
There’s still time for you to shoot yourself!
CURTAIN