Part 13

Insomuch that the Wife, through the niggardliness of her husband, imbezles away and buies more, then otherwise she would do; making it all her delight and sole pleasure, to blind fold her narrow-soul'd Peep in the Pot, (as she calls him;) although she, by these waies and means, doth jestingly consume her own self. But this belongs also to the Pleasures of Marriage. And if it in the conclusion prove to be a pain, patience is the best remedy.

But be merry, O new married Couple, that you, like unto young _Toby_, have found out the remedy, how to drive away this Devil-Plaguer of your Wedlock; by living in love and tranquility, equally confiding in each other, desiring no superiority; but with a true cordiality, interchangeably granting, and having each alike freedom of the monies; the Husband hath the keeping and government of the keys, and the Wife wants for no mony; nay hath access also her self to it. Who can doubt but that your family will be blest, and your stock of monies increase.

And that so much the more, because the Husband hates playing at Tables, and the Wife is an enemy to Cards, which hath been the occasion ofttimes on both sides of the consuming much mony, and therefore is little used by some Shopkeepers; leaving that to Gentlemen to lose both time and mony, who therein seek their pastime, delight and pleasure. And this is in like manner imitated by many great Ladies, who are often so cruelly addicted to Card-playing, that they somtimes value not, in one evening, the losing of very great sums, and yet know how to maintain their respects therein very prudently and gallantly; but in the mean while let the Millaner, Linnen-Draper, Tailor, and Shoemaker run most miserably and shamefully after them for moneys from one month to another, ofttimes from one year to another, as if they came begging to them for a peece of bread; and when they do pay them, it must not be taken notice of by their Lords and husbands.

These generally use the greatest violence against the peace of the Family; because this superfluous expence, and liberal disposition of my Lady, is very seldom pleasing to my Lord, who little thought that her Ladiship would have been such a spend-thrift of the Cash.

But since great Lords, as well as other meaner sorts of persons, are shot and pierc'd by one and the same blind Cupid, they are in like manner subject to such casualities of adversities and pleasures; and every one perceives, when it is too late, what kind of election he hath made; just as they do who begin a War, but before its half finished are weary of it. Therefore

_To Battel be ye slow, but slower be to Wed, For many do repent, untill that they be dead; But if avoided then, by you it cannot be, A thousand Counsellors will well deserve your Fee._

[Illustration: 60 _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]

THE FIFTH PLEASURE.

_Of Mens negligence of their affairs; whereby their Antic-tricks and loss of time is discovered._

Verily the Women, being the weakest Vessels, are many times most cruelly impeacht, when the Marriage-Ship sails not well before Wind and Tide: just as if they, to whom is only given the charge of the Family, care of the Kitchin, and nourishment of the Children, were the occasioners of sad casualities and disasters in the Merchandizes and Shop-keepings: When, on the contrary, the negligence of the Men is many times so great, that if the Woman knew not how to carry her self like a prudent _Abigail_, it would be impossible ever to bring the Ship to a safe harbour, and to free it from Shipwrack, but all things must run to a total destruction.

Many men are free hereof, who are continually using their utmost indeavours, and take their chiefest delight in the promotion of their affairs, by day with their bodies, and at night with their sences, are earnestly busie in contriving them it. Whose main aim is, to live honestly, to get a good name, to shew good examples to their Children and Servants, to leave somthing to their Widows, and never to be a laughing-stock or derision to their enemies. And this manner of diligence makes no labour irksom, no morning too early, nor no evening too late for them.

But others, on the contrary, are so easie humoured, and so negligent of their vocation, that they think its much below the respect of a Man, to be seen whole daies in their houses with their Wives, and about their affairs. Then in such cases, there must, by every one in his calling, be found a multitude of lame excuses, before they can blind the eys of a quick-sighted Woman, or pin it upon her so far, that she perceives not he seeks his pleasure from her, in whom his whole delight ought to be.

If it be _Doctor of Physick_, he forsooth hath no time to study, because he must go to visit a Patient that hath a violent Ague, to see what operation the Cordial hath done which he ordered him to take yesternight; for if any thing else should come to it, he would certainly be a dead man, &c.

And if you do but trace his paths and Patient, it is by his friend, who yesternight was troubled with a vehement Cellar-Fever; and at the very last, before he went to sleep, took in a swinging bowl of strong liquor; which made his Pulse beat so Feaverish and disorderly the next morning, that he was necessitated, at one draught, to whip off a lusty glass of Wormwood-Wine, (an excellent remedy for the Ague;) and then to walk an hour or two upon it, wherein the Doctor accompanying him, it causes the better operation.

Here now you see the Doctor, and what Ague the Patient hath, what he takes for't, what comes to it, and how dead a man he is. Truly the Doctor hath made as neat a guess at it, as if he had studied long for it. Hang the Books, when a man hath his Art so perfect in his Pate.

For this, the Doctor hath so much good again, when he hath a mind to visit a Patient in Tuttle-street, or St. Jameses Square, this Patient walks along with him for company. And when one hand washes the other in this manner, O then they are both so Silver clean!

Turn you about now to the _Counsellors_, and see how their Studies are all on Fire, only to be going too and again from one Court to another, to hear, forsooth, this or t'other Cause pleaded, that mightily concerns them, thereby to take their measures accordingly: When to the contrary, it serves to no other purpose then to sell a parcel of Chatwood, and tatle tales, of some brave Practitioners, a great deal worse then women would do; and finally to appoint a place, where in the evening they may accompany their Fraternity at a good glas of Wine.

Under this bundle resorts continually the Shittlecock Excisemen, accompanied with Collectors and Promooters, who are the greatest Bellringers in Taverns, and somtimes, in one evening, spend as much in Rhenish Wine, Oisters and Tobacco; as ten sufficient Families would do in a month. These live without care, and command freely out of a full purse, imagining in themselves that all the Revenues are their own. And if their Wives do, in the least, but peep into their concerns; they presently baptize it with the name of going upon an exploit, to chase a fat Doe, or neatly to attrap some Defrauder. And that this

## part may have the better gloss, when they come home in the morning,

they have their pockets full of mony, which they throw into their wives laps; and tell them that they have attrapped some body, and agreed with them for a great sum of mony, having in part of paiment received this; when to the contrary, it is all the King and Countries mony, only taken out of their Offices. This generally lasts so long, till they are pursued by the Treasurer, and are arrested, and clapt up, or that they prevent it by playing Bankrupt, and in this manner leave a sorrowfull Widow and Children behind them.

By these the Foolwise _Notary's_ for the most part join themselves; making their Wives beleeve that they are sent for into this or t'other Alehouse or Tavern, about an Excise-mans business; or to write a Will, or a Contract of agreement of Merchandize; though it be to no other end or purpose then to have a perfect knowledge who plaies best at Ticktack, Irish, Backgammon, Passage, or All-fours. From thence then they cannot come before it be late in the night, and have learnt there to make a Scotch Will so wel, that they are, by two witnesses, half carried, and half trail'd home to their houses; bragging still, that they have had Wine and Beer, and received mony into the bargain. Thus all things is baptized with the name of having earnest business.

The like knowledge have also the _Merchants_, _Shop-keepers,_ and others who love company, to alledge for their excuses and defence; but the most fashionable, give it the name of going to a sale of some Lands and Houses, Parts of Ships, Merchandizes, Shop-Wares, Meetings, or Arbitrations. Though many times, in more then a month, there hath not been the least sale of any of the aforenamed Commodities, or occasion for any such sort of businesses.

And verily whom do you see sooner or later at the Exchange then these sort of people? And 'tis no wonder: for since they indeavour not to have the name of _brave Negotiants_, their principallest aim is to obtain the name of _great News-mongers,_ and that hath so much tittle-tattle in it, that it requires a person free from all affairs and business to be imploied therein.

Here you may perceive them to be the most diligent of all others, oftner inquiring what tidings there are in the French, English, and Flanders Letters; then to know what news from the Seas, concerning the arrivall or loss of Ships, or what Merchandizes, Commodities and Wares, are risen or fallen in price.

Nevertheless these make the greatest bawling and scolding at their Wives, if they have not their Dinners made ready for them precisely an hour before Change-time, just as if the main weight of all the Traffick and Negotiation at Change, lay upon their shoulders; though it only tends to follow the train, and to hear some news, or to seek some Pot-Companions.

These Blades will be sure also, in the Winter time by four, and in the Summer time by six a clock in the evening, to be precisely at the Coffe-houses; where, under the taking of a pipe of pure Spanish Tobacco, some dishes of Coffe, Chocolate, Sherbate, or Limonado, there is a relation made of the newest tidings, or what is most remarkable of things that have hapned here or there. They hear there no clock strike, nor think upon Wives, Children, or Servants, though it were never so late.

There's another sort of Men, that do not frequent the Exchange, and go out only about their Shop affairs, these we see taking their pleasures for several hours together at Queenhithe and other places, with selling of chatwood; and when they are a weary with walking and talking, away they go to the Plume of Feathers to rest themselves, and call for half a pint, or a pint of Sack, and some to the Strong Water Shop, and drink a quartern of Cinamon water, Clove-water, or Aqua mirabilis.

And these imagine themselves to be of the most orderly sort; by reason that some men, in the Summer time, take their pleasure most part of the morning, to be busie at their Wormwood Wine; and consume their afternoon in clashing and quafing off the bottels of Old Hock and Spaw-water. And when it grows cold, and the daies short, then they are early at the Strong-water Shop; and in the evening late in the Coffe-houses; and again twice or thrice a week precisely, and that more devouter then once in a Church, they are most certain to be found at the Playhouses.

Whilest others again are earnestly imploied in taking their pleasures in a Coach, or on horseback, ambling, trotting and gallopping along the high ways, from one Country Fair, or Horsemarket to another; and at every place where they see but a conveniency to stable their Horses, there they are certain to bait; and consume an infinite deal of time; especially if they happen to find any Horse-Coursers there to be chatting and chaffering with.

These are much like unto those that take delight in Pleasure-boats and Barges, who with the smallest gale of wind, are stormed out of all their occupations; nay, although they were never so important, yet the very breathing of a warm Zephyr blows not only all business out of their heads, but themselves in person out of their Shops and Counting-houses.

Here you may behold them with unwearied bodies rigging of their Masts, spreading of their Sails, hailing up their Spreet and Leeboards, and all in a sweat catching hold of the Oars to be rowing, whilest at home they are too weak or lazy to move or stir the least thing in the World, nay can hardly bring pen to paper. For to neglect such a gallant and pleasant day of weather, would be a crime unpardonable.

_No lover of a boat, may stay within a Port, Though Shop and Office both, should dearly suffer for't._

Others again are sworn Pigeon Merchants, and every Market day in the forenoon precisely, let it cost what it will, must be attending there, and the rest of the week both morning and afternoon at their Pigeon-traps. Here in they take an infinite pleasure, hushing up their Pigeons to flight, then observing the course they take; looking upon the turning of their Tumblers; and then to the very utmost, commending the actions, carriages and colours of their Great Runts, Small Runts, Carriers, Light Horsemen, Barberies, Croppers, Broad-tail'd Shakers, and Jacopins; taking care and making so much provision for their young ones, that they let both their own young, and the house-keeping, run to destruction.

But there are the Cock-Merchants surpass these abundantly; who, upon certain penalties, must at the least, thrice a week appear in the Cock-pit; and there, before the Battel begins, consume two or three hours at Tables, and in Wine, Beer and Tobacco; whilest they attend there the coming of their Adversaries and other lovers of the sport. Here then a view must be taken of each others Cocks, which are forsooth according to their merits and value, set apart in their Coops either in the yard, or above in the Garret, to be fed as is most convenient; and there's then a discourse held concerning them, as if they were persons of some extraordinary state, quality, and great valour. Not a word must be spoke, (as much as if there were a penalty imposed upon it) but of Cock-fighting. Here Master Capon vaunts that his Game-Cock was hard enough for the gallant Shake-bag of Sir John Boaster; although Sir John Boasters famous Shake-bag, but three weeks before, had fought against that incomparable Game-Cock of Squire Owls-eg, and claw'd him off severely.

Here you may see abundance of Country Gentlemen and rich Farmers, coming from several parts with their Cocks in their bags to the Battel; hanging them up there in ample form till it be their turns to fight. And there also you may behold Lord Spendall brought thither in his Coach very magnificently, and carried home in no less state; but seldom goes away before he hath either won or lost a pretty number of Guinneys.

Yea there's Squire Clearpurse, with his Princely companion, who keep alwaies six and thirty Game-Cocks at nurse by the Master of the Pit; never goes away from thence, before he hath got, by his ordinary dunghill Cock that runs about the streets, and without false spurs too, half a score Crown-pieces, and as much more as will pay his reckoning in his pocket. But if they both begin to appear with their Shake-bags, then it is, Stand clear Gentlemen, here comes the honour of the Pit; and then the Master of the Pit must have out of each Battel for Sharpning the Spurs, and clipping of the neck feathers, half a Ginny; and then when the Battels ended, he brings into the reckoning half a Crown _extra_ for Brandy, Salve, and cherishing and chafing it by the fire, &c. But for this, they have the honour also to be in the Chamber with the principallest Gentlemen, to sit in the best places of the Pit; to turn the hour-glass and like prudent Aldermen, in the presence of all the Auditors, to give their judgements touching the contending parties; where there are generally more Consultations, Advices, and Sentences, held and pronounced, then are to be found or heard of in the principallest Law-books or Statutes of the Kingdom.

It would be here an everlasting shame; if the Conqueror, like a Niggard, should carry all this mony home; therefore the greatest part must be given and generously spent with the company. This is the duty of every one, whose Cock hath beaten anothers out of the Pit, and went away Crowing like a Conqueror. Nay, what's matter if it were all spent, its no such great peece of business; the honours more worth then the mony.

In the mean while it grows late in the night, and the good woman, with the Table covered, sits longing, telling every minute, and hoping for the coming home of him, who seems to find and take more pleasure in Cockfighling, then like a brave Game-Cock himself to enter into the Pit with his Wife. O most contrary and miserable Pleasure of marriage on the mens side.

But amongst these Cock-Merchants, I am of opinion, there's none hath more pleasure then the Master of the Pit; because he gets more for the feeding, clipping, salving, and anointing of them, &c. then ten good Nurses, and put them all together. And moreover he hath all the pleasure for nothing, and is mighty observant to feed and tickle their fancies, and obey their commands, that their delight therein may the more and more increase, and the reckoning also be ne'r a whit the less.

And these Lovers and Gentlemen are no sooner departed, but he laies him down very orderly in a very fashionable Bedstead, hung round about the Curtains and Vallians with Hens-Eg-shels suck'd out. But if he did, for the same purpose, suck out all the Cocks-Egshels, it would be a much more rare and pleasant sight.

There is yet another sort of men, which we in like manner find, that consume their time, neglect their occasion, and spend their mony with Dog-fighting, Bull and Bear-baiting, as the Cock-Merchants do with Cock-fighting. One way that they take pleasure in, is to bring their Dogs together, and there fight them for a Wager of five, or ten pound, and somtimes more; which mony must be set or stak'd down, though they hardly know how to find as much more again in the whole World, and there the poor Dogs by biting and tearing one anothers skins and flesh in pieces, for the pleasure of their fantastical Masters; and if the Wager be, in the least manner to be contradicted, then too't they go themselves, and thump and knock one another till they look more like beasts then men.

This being done, the next meeting is, to try their Bear and Bull-Dogs at the Bear Garden; the match being made, all their wits must be screw'd up to the highest, how to get mony to make good their wagers; though Wife, House and Family should sink in the mean while: Then away they go with their Tousers and Rousers to the Bear-garden, and then the Bull being first brought to the stake, the Challenger lets fly at her, and the Bull perceiving the Dog coming, slants him under the belly with her horns, and tosses him as high as the Gallerys, this is much laught at; but his Master, very earnestly and tenderly, catching him in the fall, tries him the second time, when he comes off with little better success: Then his Adversary lets loose his Dog at the Bull, who running close with his belly to the ground, fastens under the Bulls nose by the skin of the under-lip; the Bull shaking and roaring to get him loose, but he holds faster and faster; then up flie caps and hats, shouting out the excessive joy that there is for this most noble victory.

Now comes the Bear dogs, being stout swinging Mastives; and the Bearard having brought the Bear to the Stake, unrings him, and turns him about, so that he may see the Dog, that's to play at him; the Challenger lets fly his Dog, which being a cruel strong Cur rises up to the Bears nose, fastens and turns him topsy-turvy; there's no small joy and an eccho of Shouts that makes the very earth tremble; then there's pulling and hawling to get him off from the Bear: Then the Adversary let's fly his Dog, who coming to fasten, the Bear being furious and angry that he was so plagu'd with the first Dog, claps his paw about the back of him, and squeezes him that he howls and runs; there stands the Master, looking like an Owl in an Ivybush, to see the stakes drawn, and he haply with never a penny in his pocket, hath no mony at home, nor knows not where to get any. And that which vexeth him worst of all, is, that his delicate Dog is utterly spoil'd.

But we'l leave of these inhuman, and brutal stories; and rather relate the Confession of another sort of Men; who are generally of a longing temper, not much unlike to the big-bellied weak women; nay, sometimes do therein far surpas the Women: And altho they know that it is never so damagable or hurtfull unto them, yet dare boldly say:

_When Women long, it harms by chance, But mens desire's a worser dance._

And in this they are both bold and shameless, clear contrary to Women-kind; in so much that they without fear or terror, dare, at noon day, say to their Pot-companions: I have a mighty mind to a pipe of Tabacco, come lets go to the Sun, half Moon, or to the Golden Fleece, and smoke a pipe: where they rip up such a multiplicity of discourse, and consume so much time and Tabacco; that if they tasted neither beer nor wine, they might with all reason be upbraided to be debauch'd persons. But it would be a work as inexpressible as infinite to relate their longing appetites at all other times, to Musmillions, Seldry, Anchovis, Olives, or slubbring Caviart, with all their appurtenances. Much more their liquorishness at Oisters, where they stand greedily swallowing them up in the open shops, not giving themselves time to send for them to a Tavern, and eat them decently.

If they did thus, in the presence of their Wives, they might have some pleasure of it also: But the content hereof seems to consist therein, that either alone, or with their Fraternity, they may thus lustily satisfie their longing appetites.