Part 5

To this end there are almost as many Boxes and Gally-pots brought together, as would near upon furnish an Apothecaries shop: Then to work they go with smearing, anointing, chafing, infusing, wherewith (as they term it) the good woman is to be made fresh and fit; but they make the bed and whole house so full of stink and vapours, that it may be said they rather stop the good and wholesom pores and other parts of the body; then to open those that were stopt and caused Distempers.

But in the conclusion we find it to be both fruitless and miserable, where the good woman goes to seek it by th'Apothecary; even as her husband doth out of the Oister and Eg-shels.

And if this will not do now; where shall the poor man hide his head next? What shall he do more to please and pacifie her? He thinks upon all the ways and means possible to entertain her to content. If she will have costly things, he will buy them for her; and dissimulately saith that all what she practiseth for her content, is his only pleasure and delight: yea, although her pride and ambition many times in several things flies too high, and oft-times also doth not happen to be very suitable with the constitution of the cash; he dares in no wise contradict her, for he fears that she will presently be at variance with him again: And thinks in the interim, whilest her mind hangs upon these things, she forgets her maunding and mumbling for a child. Still hoping that there will come one happy night, that may crown his earnest desires with fructivity; this it is that makes him that he dares not anger her or give her a sour countenance; fearing that if she might have conceived, that would be the means of turning the tide.

To be short, it is his only and greatest delight to see that his wife is well satisfied and receiveth her content and pleasure; which is very hard to be practised, so long as she is not with child.

But O what a joy there will be if he may be but once so happy as to hit that mark! How will the first day of her reckoning to ly in stand in his Almanack, as if it were printed with a red Letter! Well young people, be contented; Long look'd for comes at last to the satisfaction of the Master.

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THE FIFTH PLEASURE.

_The young Woman proves with Child, and longs._

The old Proverb tels us, that after the sour comes the sweet; and I find, jolly couple, that it is so with you also; for I hear finally that your wife is big with child: Well what a Pleasure is that! Certainly, now you see that all your Doctoring and medicining hath been to some purpose, and now you feel also that all herbs were made for some good effects.

How happy a thing it is that you have made use of a learned Doctor, and an experienced Midwife. Now is the only time to be very carefull, for fear the least accident might turn the tide with the young woman, and so she get a mischance, or some other sad mishap; and a mischance is worse for her than a true Child-bearing; for that weakens nature abundantly, and oftentimes brings with it several sad consequences, & Thus the women talk.

[Illustration: Folio 85. _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]

But you, O noble Champion, who have behaved your self so gallantly; continue now to reap the further conquests of your honour. Look not at any small matters; and most especially if you hope or desire to gain the principal prize of your pleasure. For be assured, that you must suffer much, and see through a perspective glass all things at a distance; because you never before saw your wife in so gallant a state and condition as she now is in; and therefore you must cherish and preserve her much more then formerly you have done. If you hear her often grunt and groan, mumble and chide, either with the men or maid-servants; nay, though it were with your own self, you must pass it by, not concerning your self at it; and imagine that you do it for the respect you bear your wife, but not by constraint; for it is common with big-bellied women to do so.

But most especially rejoice in your self, if this grunting and groaning happen only by day time; because then you may somtimes avoid it, or divertise your self with other company. Yet by night generally shall the good woman be worst of all? therefore be sure to provide your self well with pure Aniseed, Clove, Cinamon-waters, and good sack, that you may therewith be ready to strengthen and assist her. For it will often happen that when you are in your best and first Sleep, that your dearest wil waken you and complain of pain at her heart, of dizziness and great faintness; then all what is in the house must be stirring, and you your self also, though it be never so cold, out of the bed you must with all the speed possible. Comfort your self herewith, that this was one of the pleasures which you got with your wife, though it was not set down in the Contract of marriage.

Now for this again you alwaies receive the honour, that when you are invited with her to any place at a treat, the best that is upon the Table shall be presented to the big-bellied woman: Yea if she long or have a desire to any thing; immediately every one that observes it, are ready to serve her with it; nay, though there were never so little in the Dish, her longing must be fully satisfied, if no body else should so much as tast of it. And by this means oftentimes the good woman is so ill and disturbed, that she is forced to rise from the Table, and falls from one faintness into another; which for civilities sake, is then baptized, that she hath sat too high or been throng'd, or that the room being so full, the breath of the people offended her.

And though she perceives that this very food makes her so ill; yet for the most part she will be so choice and so dainty, that she seldom knows her self what she will eat or hath a mind to; but generally it tends to some thing or other that is delicate: Upon this manner again, according to the former custom, she tumbles it in till she is sick with it; and if any one looks but very wishly at her; immediately another saies to them; she must eat for two, nay perhaps for three.

And not only that in this manner she grows so delicate and gluttonous; but is thereby so easie and lazy, that she can hardly longer indure her sowing cushion upon her lap. Also sitting is not good for her, for fear the child thereby might receive some hindrance and an heartfullness. Therefore she must often walk abroad; and to that end an occasion is found to go every day a pratling and gossiping to this and then to another place; in the mean while leaving her husband without a wife, and the family without a mistris.

Then in conclusion this falls also burthensom to her, (as it is generally with all things that are too frequently used) then she will be for spurring you up to walk abroad with her, that she may get all sorts of fruits and other fopperies that the season of the year affords; and at the first baiting-place she's for some Cream with sugar, stewd prunes, and a bottle of sider or perry; and thus abroad to spend much, and at home neglect more.

If she have then gone somthing far, she is so excessive weary with it, that if her life must ly at stake, she cannot set one foot further. Herewith is the poor man absolutely put to a stand: ride she may not, or all the fat would be in the fire; and they are so deep in the Country that there is somtimes neither Coach nor boat to be had.

And if you should happen to be where a River is, there's never a boat to be had; but if there should be one, then you must be subject to humour the churlish Ferry man, who seeing the necessity of the occasion, and that you are able to pay for it, will have what price he pleases. And somtimes again you are timorous your self to hazard it, because many women are very fearfull upon the water.

But indeed, if by this unhappy occasion, a good expedient may be found to please your dearly beloved, it is no small joy. Well then make your self jocund herewith, to the end that other troubles may not so much molest and disturb you.

You may also be very well assured, that your wife no sooner comes to be a little big-bellied, but she receives the priviledge to have all what she hath a mind to & that is called Longing. And what husband can be so stern or barbarous that he will deny his wife at such a time what she longs for? especially if it be a true love of a woman, you must never hinder her of her longing; for then certainly the child would have some hindrance by it.

Forasmuch then as is necessary that you alwaies seek to avoid and prevent this, you must observe, that all women when they are with child, do fall commonly from one longing to another: And then the providing and buying of that for them, must be as great a pleasure to you as it is to them in the receiving and use of it; and that not alone for theirs, but your childs sake also. And truly he that will or cannot suit himself to this humour, will be very unhappy, because he shall not then receive the full scope and freedom of this pleasure.

It is also most certain that these longing desires doth transport their imaginations from one finical thing to another: If it be in the summer, then they long for China Oranges, Sivil Lemmons, the largest Asparagus, Strawberries with wine and sugar, Cherries of all sorts, and in like manner of Plums, and these they must have their fill of: And then when they have gotten through the continuance their full satisfaction thereof; then be assured they begin to long for some great Peaches and Apricocks; And though they be never so scarce and dear, yet the woman must not lose her longing, for the child might get a blemish by it.

If then Apples and Pears begin to grow ripe, you have the same tune to sing again; for she is possessed with a new longing desire as bad, as if it were a Quotidian Ague in all the joints of her body; and whatsoever comes new to her sight, creates in her a fresh longing. If she gets one hour curious Catherine Pears, Pippins, or Russetings, the next she hath a mind to Filberds; and then an hour or two later Wall nuts and Grapes fall into her thoughts; do what you will there's no help for it, her longing must be satisfied, let it go as it will, or cost what it will.

And this her longing leads her from one thing to another, of all what the richness of the summer, or liberality of the harvest, out of their superfluities pour down upon us. Insomuch that the good man wishes a thousand times over that he might once be rid of these terrible charges and great expence.

But alas what helps it? there's no season of the year but gives us some or other new fruits that the women have alwaies a new longing desire to. And if it be in the Winter, then they long for juicy Pomgranates, new Wine upon the must, with Chesnuts; then for Colchester Oisters; then again for Pancakes and Fritters; and indeed for a thousand several sorts of such toys and fancies as do but appear before their longing imaginations. And oftentimes it is no real longing, for that were then pardonable, but a liquorish delicate desire that they are sick of; as may be seen by those who simply imagine themselves to be with child, are alwaies talking of this and t'other dainty that they long after. And that which is worst of all, is that both they and those that are really with child, long commonly for that which is scarcest and hardest to be gotten: Yea in the very middle of winter they oftentimes long to have a Greengoose or young Chickens; which in some places are very hard to be got, and not without paying excessive dear for them.

This longing being so satisfied; immediately arises another, and nothing will serve but Meats, and several sorts of Comfits. Yea how often happens it, though it rain, snow, and is very slippery, that both the husband and the maid, if never so dark and late in the night, must trot out and fetch candied Ginger, dried Pears, Gingerbread, or some such sort of liquorish thing. And what is to be imagined, that can be cried about in the streets by day time, but her longing before hath an appetite prepared for it?

Yea through an excessive eating of raw fruits, and feeding upon multiplicities of sweet-meats; to fulfill their longing; it turns to a griping of the guts and overflowing of the Gall, which again occasion Cholick, & manytimes other lamentable pains. Here is then another new work. There the Doctor must be presently fetcht, and according to what he pleases to order, either a Glister must be set, or some other Physick taken for it.

But by reason these things are not so pleasant to the good woman as the foregoing liquorish delicacies; she thinks it best that the Midwife be sent for, because she hath a great deal better knowledge touching the infirmities of women then the Doctors: Then she is fetcht, and having done the first part of her office, she gives her good comfort; and orders her to take only some of the best white Wine, simper'd up with a little Orange-peel, well sweetned with sugar, and so warm drunk up; and then anoint your self here, and you know where, with this salve; and for medicines [that are most to be found in Confectionres or Pasterers shops] you must be sure to make use of those, then your pain will quickly lessen. You must not neglect also ofttimes to eat a piece of bread and butter with either Caroway or Aniseed Comfits; use also Cinnamon; the first expels wind, and the second strengthens the heart; and they are both good for the woman and the child. Be sure also to drink every morning and every evening a glass of the best sack, for that strengthens the fruit of the womb, and occasions you a good quickness, &c.

Who will doubt, but that she obeys the orders of the Midwife, much better then that of the Doctors. And verily there is also a great deal of difference in the suffering, of such or uneasie fumbling at the back part; or the receiving of such pleasant and acceptable ingredients. And so much the more, when she begins to remember that Doctor Drink-fast used to tell her, that Medicins never make so good an operation, when they are at any time taken against the appetite, or with an antipathy, by the Patient.

Thus you may see, approaching Father, how you are now climb'd up to a higher step of glory: Your manly deeds, make your name renowned; and your joy is so much augmented that your wife looks alwaies merrily and pleasantly upon you, for giving her content; and she now also salutes you with the most sweetest and kindest names imaginable; you must also now be her guest upon all sorts of Summer and Winter fruits, & a thousand other kinds of liquorish and most acceptable dainties. Insomuch that although you did not come into the streets in six months, you may by the humour and actions of your wife know perfectly when Strawberries, Cherries, Apples, Pears, Nuts & Grapes, are in season. And there is no greater pleasure for your best beloved, then that she sees you eat as heartily of them as she her self doth.

Confess then unfeignedly, from the very bottom of your heart; are not these great Pleasures of marriage? And be joyfull; for this is only a beginning, the best comes at last. Know likewise, that this is but as a fore-runner of the sixth Pleasure, and will both touch you at heart, and tickle your purse much better: Yea, insomuch that the experience thereof will shew you that there is a whole mountain of pleasures to be found in the bands of Wedlock. Whereby I fear, that you will, perhaps, make a lamentable complaint, of your no sooner arriving at this happiness.

But comfort your self herewith; that the medicaments of the Doctor and Midwife, perhaps have done such a wished for operation, that you thereby may obtain many Sons and Daughters, which you may then timely admonish and instruct to that duty, so long by your self neglected, and in a manner too late to repent of.

Doubt not, but assuredly beleeve, that now you are once gotten into the right road, you may easily every year see a renovation of this unspeakable pleasure; and beholding your wife oftentimes in this state; in like manner you perceive that not only your name and fame is spread abroad, but your generation also grow formidable. And this all to the glory of your relations, and joy of your dearly Beloved.

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[Illustration: Folio 102. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]

THE SIXTH PLEASURE.

_Care is taking for the Child and Child-bed linnen; and to provide a Midwife and Nurse._

In good truth it is very pleasant to see how the good womans Apron from day to day, how longer the more it rises; now all the World may plainly see you have behaved your self like a man, and every one acknowledge that you are both good for the sport. Verily this is a great pleasure! And it increases abundantly, when your wife comes to be so near her reckoning, that she feels her self quick, and begins to provide and take care for the Childs and Child-bed linnen. Then you need not fear the turning of the tide, or that a mischance will happen; wherewith all people, seeing no other issue, laugh and scoff unmeasurably; and think that the Midwife hath been greased in the fist (as it oftentimes happens) because she should say, that it was a full created child, and no collection of ill humors, or a wind-egg.

And the greatest joy is, that you have now so hoisted your top-sail, that your wife cannot any more call you a _Dry-boots_, or a _John Cannot_; which were for you such disrespectfull names, and yet for quietness sake you were forced to smother them in your breast, because you could have no witnesse for your vindication.

You are now so far exalted, that you will very speedily be saluted with the name of _Dad_ & _Pappa_; which is as pleasing and acceptable for you now, as the name of _Bridegroom_ was before.

O how happy you are! & what pleasures doth the married estate provide for you! how glad must your wife be now! how strictly she reckons the months, nay the very weeks and days! O what an unexpressible love hath she for you now! and with what imbraces and kisses she entertains you, because you have furnish'd her shop so well! Now you may perceive that the procreating of children, makes the band of wedlock much stronger, and increaseth the affections.

Now were it well time, that by death either of the good woman or the Child, that you did, by a will, seek the mortification of the disadvantagious Contract of marriage; and by that means get all there is to your self, in place of going back to her friends and relations; But, alas, she hath so much in her head at present, that there is no speaking to her about it, without being a great trouble to her: besides her sences cannot now bear it therefore you must let it alone till another time.

Do you your self but observe, & you'l quickly see that a lying-in requireth so much trimming, that she hath really care enough upon her! the Child-bed linnen alone, is a thing that would make ones head full of dizziness, it consists of so many sorts of knick-knacks; I will not so much as name all the other jinkombobs that are dependances to it. Therefore, ought you to be so compassionate with her, as not to speak to her about any other thing; for all her mind and sences are so imploied upon that subject, that she can think upon nothing else but her down-lying. Hear but deliberately to all her lying-in, and of what belongs to it. Tis no wonder neither for there is not one of her acquaintance comes to her, either woman or maid, but they presently ask her, Well, Mistris, when do you reckon? And that is a Text then, so full of matter that there is oftentimes three or four hours preacht upon it, before any of the Auditors be weary. O that all Ministers were so happy, as to have alwaies such earnest and serious hearers. In the mean while there is no body happier than the maids, for they are then free from being the Town-talk; for at other times, the first word is, How do you like your maid? which is another Text that the women generally preach out of, and make longest sermons in.

But methinks, I should happen to fall here from the Mistris upon the Maid.

To go forward then. See how serious your dearest is, with _Jane_ the Semstress, contriving how much linnen she must buy to make all her Child-bed linnen as it ought to be! how diligently she measures the Beds, Bellibands, Navel clouts, shirts, and all other trincom, trancoms! and she keeps as exact an account of the ells, half ells, quarters, and lesser measures, as if she had gone seven years to school to learn casting of an account.

Let this measuring and reckoning be pleasant to you, because the charge thereof will fall costly enough for you. To morrow she goes to market, to buy two or three pieces of linnen, one whereof must be very fine, and the other a little courser. And you need not take any notice what quantity of fine small Laces she hath occasion for, by reason it might perhaps overcloud this sixth pleasure of marriage, which you now possess.

Why should you not be merry? you have now above all things a Wife to your mind; who whatsoever she imagines, desires or doth, it is alwaies accompanied with wishes. O, saies she, how glad shall I be; when all things is bought that there ought to be for the making of my Child-bed linnen. And no sooner is it bought, but then she wishes that it were made.