Part 13

We note that the polar sexual tension between male and female is most extreme in his case. He could kill the woman who humiliates him, belittles him, as Judith killed Holofernes, because he had conquered her sexually.[32]

His peculiar manner of masturbating (squeezing flies to death against the penis) discloses his specific onanistic fancy. He squeezes a woman to death, he strangles her, while cohabiting with her. A short time after the first analysis he had sexual intercourse with a servant girl. He described her to me: “a gigantic girl, and so powerful that she could have overpowered me with one hand!” With such a girl he felt safe. But he never dared to have sexual intercourse with weak persons, even though they exerted a stronger sexual attraction on him. He had every reason to flee from woman, because he feared the transposition of his excessive love passion into a deadly aggressive hatred. He claims he could have intercourse now only with a woman addicted to all sorts of perversities. Only such a woman could rouse his passion and could offer him something. He has never tried this out. It looks as if he feared the involvement of his heart, but that could use woman merely as a vehicle for his lust. A perverse woman would drown the urgings of his strongest paraphilia: the impulse to kill a woman.

Now we may understand through his family history how this attitude must have arisen.

He belonged to a family where both parents had very pronounced individualities of their own. The father was a self-made man, who rose through his own efforts and became a millionaire. He was strict, energetic, always preoccupied with his business, and never had any spare time for his family. With the children he was tender while they were small and pretty playthings. Later he changed completely his attitude and the patient was required and expected to show a good record of his conduct at school. He continued to be tender with the girls, so that the boy must have unconsciously envied his sisters. This change from tenderness to severity on the part of parents is very common and is responsible for many instances of stubborn contrariness on the part of children, especially towards the father. The child always longs for the early childhood when the father was so loving and tender. Perhaps this longing for early childhood is the reason why so many homosexuals are of a decidedly infantile type.[33] The kindly old gentleman sought by so many homosexuals is perhaps merely the affectionate father of their youth, who never punished severely....

Our patient’s mother was a remarkably intelligent and very beautiful woman, who all her life contended with her husband for rulership over the house. I had an opportunity to obtain a deep insight into that marriage situation. I know of no other marriage where the struggle for supremacy was so bitter between the two personalities. There were constantly quarrels in the house, often on the point of breaking out in violence. Each one avoided showing any affection for the other. To do so would have meant acknowledging the other’s superiority. They did everything they could to each other. They bore themselves with aloofness and appeared indifferent towards one another, though keeping up a continuous quarrel. If the husband noticed some other man courting his handsome wife, he smiled indulgently and accorded his rival a free field, as if to prove to his wife that he was not jealous in the least, and was willing to accord her every freedom. She also seemed to overlook the seamy side, in her husband’s conduct. Nevertheless they were ready to jump at each other on the slightest provocation. Once the situation reached a crisis and the woman pointed a revolver at her husband threatening to end everything in a terrible tragedy.

The children divided between the contesting parents, taking sides. The son was entirely with his mother. He was unhappy because she had to put up with so much and he goaded her on all the time, urging her to carry the fight to a successful issue and even advising her to seek separation from her husband. He had nothing good to say about his father, outside the latter’s business ability. He described the father as a cold-blooded fellow without a heart, a mere adding machine, etc.... On a superficial examination it looked as if he loved his mother and hated his father. But back of that hatred there stood the carefully preserved love of his earlier years. That love, however, he was unwilling to acknowledge. That was the critical point in the analysis. He always recoiled whenever the analysis led to his fondness of the father, or various signs pointed out his aboriginal attitude towards the father. Any analysis leads sooner or later to a similar experience. Nothing is more difficult than to dissolve the father hatred and reduce it back to its infantile components,—love.

But in his homosexual acts he played the rôle of the father who is tender with the child. We also perceive now why he felt himself suddenly attracted to that elderly gentleman with the energetic face. He was an image of his own strict father.

Having witnessed in his childhood a terrific struggle between man and woman, and having himself taken a part in that merciless struggle for supremacy, he was bound to conceive the problem of love as a struggle for supremacy, a competitive struggle in the will to power. His supreme question always was: “_Who is the stronger one?_” This case shows us with remarkable clearness the mechanisms on which _Alfred Adler_ lays such great stress. But it also shows the incestuous love for the sister, a tendency of which he was aware. In the young men he sought the reproductions of his sister’s picture. He also showed a fixation upon the mother, with whom he was seldom on agreeable pleasant terms. Nevertheless he has not forgotten the early tendernesses of his father. In the wish to be squeezed to death, his masochistic fancies revolve around the masked image of his severe father standing like a shadow. To be master, to be slave—his whole system of thinking revolved around these two notions. He has social intercourse only with men towards whom he feels himself superior. Already as a child he chose his comrades among the children of the poor, because he could domineer them. He abandoned one friendship because his friend made jokes at his expense. He was not a handsome child. That drove him into the path of hatred and envy. He hated all women because they were his rivals with the father. He thought he would have been liked better if he had been a handsomer fellow.

He was a slave to his family and unable to wean himself away. He moved to another city in order to free himself of the family ties. That made him homesick. His mother had to visit him. He was proud when they went on walks together and were taken for a pair of lovers. But secretly he really yearned for his father, and never forgives himself that he did not interrupt that vacation journey to go to his father.

In reality he continued the struggle between his parents. Within him struggled man and wife. Possibly also the child, though acting more in the rôle of a bystander, and ready to give the stereotypic answer “both” to the question, “whom do you like better?” He thinks he has overcome the man in him. I consider his homosexuality a passing phase. He will achieve health only after complete emotional detachment from the family circle.

We often note that the neurotic gets well only after the death of one of the parents or of both. But in many cases, the parents even after they are dead continue to hold their sway over the infantile soul and their dominion ends only with the death of their child who, in that devotion to them, loved but himself and loved himself unto death....

VI

HISTORY AND ANALYSIS OF A HOMOSEXUAL—CHILDHOOD REMINISCENCES—ANAL EROTISM—ATTACHMENT TO THE MOTHER—INTERPRETATION OF DREAM SYMBOLISMS—LOVE OF THE FATHER—REGRESSION THEORY OF HOMOSEXUALITY.

_Was ist das Siegel der erreichten Freiheit?—Sich nicht mehr von sich selber schämen._

—_Nietzsche._

VI

_What is the stamp of achieved freedom?—To be no longer ashamed of one’s self._

—_Nietzsche._

The complete analysis of a homosexual would require a whole volume. Before concluding the present work I propose to give a portion of such an analysis. The treatment lasted six weeks, when it was interrupted by the war. This analysis, too, only led as far as the father complex. But even so it yields important data and enables us to draw together the observations made in connection with the various briefer illustrations already discussed.

84. Mr. Sigma, a student from Denmark, 28 years of age, consults me on account of various nervous difficulties. For a number of months past he has felt very depressed, is always fatigued, generally unable to sleep and unable to concentrate on his work. He is facing his final examinations but is unable to study. He complains of a lack of any sense of joy in living. He admits having entertained also ideas of suicide which he has rejected chiefly on account of his mother. He is very much afraid that he may yield some day to just such a temptation.

Sigma is consciously homosexual. He emphasizes: He has never felt any interest in the female sex and already as a child he fell in love only with boys. He is the only son of a very hard-working, brave, mother in comfortable circumstances who is wholly wrapped up in him. His father died a few years ago. He lives a wholly retired existence, he has no friends,—for his mother prevents that. Once—he was 17 years of age at the time—he had a close friend to whom he felt very attached, but his mother interfered and broke up their friendship. Now he is completely isolated. All his spare time he devotes to his mother, when he is not gone to the theater or to a concert. He also visits no families; his mother prevents it.

He begins—spontaneously—an account of his life with his first recollections:

I was 2 years of age and we—a number of children—played out of doors. A pretty lady walked up and threw a ball into the grass. She said: He who catches the ball may keep it. I was nearest to it but did not dare to trespass upon the finely kept lawn. Therefore another one caught the ball....

This recollection seems typical of Sigma. Like all first recollections it contains the determinants of his whole life.[34] It shows us a man who lacks self-confidence, whose activity is inhibited by considerations regarding others. He explains that for the sake of his mother he has renounced all pleasures in life. He is always hesitant (_kleinmütig_), overwhelmed by his feeling of inferiority and dares not assume any important enterprise.

His sexuality awoke very early. He played always with girls and felt more like a girl. He liked to put on his mother’s hat and clothing. His mother was the master in the house, the breadwinner and law giver. The father always played a subordinate rôle. We see again a reiteration of the fact that the child identifies itself with the stronger parent. Under the circumstances it was natural that Sigma should identify himself with the mother....

Already, in the public school, at seven years of age, he fell in love with his teacher. That is why he became one of the best scholars. He also loved some of his colleagues, but was too bashful to betray himself to them. At 12 years of age he began to masturbate and during the act his fancies were centered on the image of a naked man. He was very religious up till that time and during confession distinguished himself by the lengthy list of his sins and the depth of his dejection. At 12 years of age he became free and progressively developed into a full-fledged atheist. The struggle against masturbation began at 14 years of age, when he heard that the habit was very harmful. After that he indulged more rarely. Great feeling of fatigue on day after pollution. The subject regards his present condition a consequence of his masturbation habit.

Already during his gymnasium years (high school) his mind was distracted and he barely managed to squeeze through his finals (_Matura_). He was always bashful and avoided the colleagues who spoke cynically among themselves about girls so that he was called “Miss Sigma.” For a few years he lived away from home. They lived formerly in the country and he had to stay in Copenhagen. He lived with some older sisters with whom he did not get along very well. He played music with them, joined them on walks, experienced considerable excitation ... short of erotism. His whole erotic feeling was directed only to men and boys. In the course of his endless day dream fancies he never thought of a woman at any time in his life. He dreams only of men and thinks only of them. That concludes the first visit.

Sigma again emphasizes his one-sided inclination towards men. Nevertheless he must correct a small detail of his account as given on the previous day. This, I repeat, is a common typical occurrence in the anamnesis of homosexuals. When giving an account of their life they neglect entirely all the heterosexual episodes. But today Sigma adds that occasionally he did have erotic dreams concerning women; perhaps four or five times. But not more often than that. These dreams led to pollutions and were rather indefinite as to content. Sigma was also in love, transiently, with a girl cousin, at sixteen years of age. He at once attempts to weaken the force of this declaration: it was merely a pastime, a pose, because an uncle was in love with the same girl. He thought it was his duty also to make love to this girl cousin. But it was soon over. And he must emphasize again that he never indulged in any phantasies centering on women. He had such phantasies. But they were always about men.

He was brought up almost wholly in female society. If his mother was away, there was an aunt in the house who looked after him. He was taken to school and was called for when he was already a grown-up boy—the typical training for dependence. His mother wanted to procure friends for him. There were always some boys whom she wished he would accept as his friends. But usually he himself found nothing in those particular boys to interest him. If he himself chose some boy for a friend his mother was sure to interpose her veto as soon as their friendship became too warm. And he was always prone to fall in love with his friends. He composed poetry at a very early age, deifying his friends; to this day his poems are devoted almost wholly to Eros Uranos.

At this point he reflects for a while; and he continues: “I identified myself always with the female figures who were mostly strong, aggressive women. I could always enthuse over such strong, energetic women displaying male aggressiveness about them. If a woman or a girl ever interested me and played a rôle in my day dreams, she was of this type.” Next he recalls a heterosexual episode. He admired for a time the landlady’s daughter, kept company with her, they played music together, but he felt very unhappy when she married off afterwards.

The Eulenberg trial made him aware of his own homosexuality. That made him very unhappy for he discovered that he was unlike others. In the high school he was always looked upon as peculiar and he kept aloof from his schoolmates. The famous trial made it clear to him that his end would be either insanity or jail. He went through some dreadful days. He was in love with a friend and when the latter asked him why he was so depressed, he broke into bitter tears and poured out his heart circuitously describing his passion. He felt that he was not like others, he felt lonely and closed in, unrecognized and weak. His friend advised him to devote himself more to art. He looked upon the subject’s suffering as due to thwarted ambition.

His typical dreams are concerned with pursuit by men and breaking in. A

## particular dream made a strong impression on him: He was pursued in bed

by a great mass of bedbugs and finally himself turned into a bedbug.[35] Like all homosexuals he had for a time the fear of infection and especially of tuberculosis. He was almost convinced that he would die prematurely of tuberculosis.

We are also familiar with tuberculosis (as well as syphilis) as the representative of what is evil, of incest and homosexuality. But for the present our patient sheds no light on this aspect of the subject. We do not care to influence Sigma and therefore do not disturb the course of his associations. Sigma shows but little interest in the analysis. He is mistrusting and hesitant. He does not have much time and seems relieved when the sitting is over.

The next sitting opens as follows: “I have come to ask you to make an appointment with me for tomorrow. I want to skip today. I must take a little rest and gather strength. Yesterday’s sitting has sort of taken me to pieces....”

During the first couple of sittings I had hardly spoken a word and had allowed Sigma to do all the talking. But the flight reflex, which dominates all homosexuals, because they are afraid of the truth, is here already coming to surface:

“What roused you so yesterday?”

“That you kept so quiet. It was an uncanny silence....”

“Would you have preferred to see me excited?”

“No.... I know, of course, that the physician must keep his balance. But that is precisely what I lack. What an awful impression I must have made on you!”

_Hinc illae lacrimae!_ The subject is concerned over the impression he makes upon the physician. He wants to know whether the physician has sympathy for him, whether he is impressed or indifferent. He is afraid of making himself appear ridiculous. The physician becomes the chief person around whom his own life interests are being centered for the time.

“But that is irrelevant. You want to get well; and that has nothing to do with personal matters.”

“To be sure,—that is just what I was saying to myself. Doctor, you are my last hope. And yet, I am already losing patience and feel like running off. It is less than two weeks since I went to purchase a revolver intending to shoot myself. The plan fell through only on account of my lack of adroitness. I was unable to procure a revolver. The saleslady demanded to be shown a purchase permit and I did not have one. There must have also been a tremor in my voice. I was so excited.... If I had been able to procure that revolver I would not be now sitting in your office.”

“Why did you want to die?”

“A life full of trouble! No friends! No prospect of improvement! The everlasting depression!”

“And did you not think of the suffering you would have caused your mother? To your mother who sacrificed her life for you?”

“No, I was indifferent about that. It would have only served her right, because it is she who has ruined my life. It might have been the end of her too.... But I was truly sorry for my friend. He has so many cares and so much to think about. It would have shaken him up. He is a writer and is now at work on a new novel. It would have certainly thrown him out of the writing mood and it would have interfered with his creative

## activity.”

“What has your mother done you that you should want to punish her so severely?”

This brings out the last repressed grudge against the mother who came near separating him from his much beloved friend.

“Mother has ruined my whole life,” he continues, “she has separated me from my only and best friend. You have no idea what I suffered. He came daily to our house. He accompanied me on the piano so that we enjoyed unforgettable evenings together. Father was once a good singer. As there was no accompanist at hand he neglected the beautiful gift. Now we resurrected the old songs once more. Every evening was a festival. On account of a pulmonary apical catarrh I had to go to Egypt. During my absence a catastrophe occurred. Mother found that my friend was robbing her of a son’s love. She was jealous because he heard more often and received longer letters from me than the parents. She compelled my father to write Ernst a curt letter forbidding him to come to the house any longer or to correspond with me. From Ernst, to whom I wrote regularly three times weekly while he answered once, I received next an ironic letter, stating that I ought to enclose the parent’s permission next time I write him. Only then will he write me again. I did not understand what that meant until I read the enclosed father’s letter. I felt like one against whom the gates of heaven have been suddenly closed tight. I returned to Copenhagen at once, but did not dare to take openly a stand against mother. She had a bad heart spell the first time I reproached her bitterly and all the relatives called me her murderer. I made up secretly with Ernst and met him on the street. But mother found out. She followed me stealthily and when she discovered that I was meeting Ernst there followed terrible quarrels which I am unable to relate. I was thus very badly embittered and that innocent relationship was turned into a morbid whim. You will appreciate, therefore, that I cannot but hold a grudge against mother....”

“Have you not tried to rebel openly against the situation?”

“I was too weak for that. Father begged me not to disturb the happiness of our family circle. It was a terrible situation and I did not see my way out of it. That happened when I was 19 years of age. I have since told mother that I must meet Ernst once in a while. She is against the idea and wants to link me up to other friends. I am brought into contact with girls in the hope that I will take an interest in them. But the very fact that they are brought in my way under mother’s patronage, as it were, makes them repulsive to me from the outset. Moreover, I know that mother would be equally jealous if I should really love a girl. She will stand for no other love besides her. I am too broken up to ever break away and be self-reliant. So I remain everlastingly a mother’s boy. But I cannot endure this sort of thing any longer. I have had enough of this torture and want to see an end to it....”

“I feel much better. Last evening I worked fairly well, for the first time in a long period. I am beginning to like Vienna. I was out in the woods (_Wienerwald_) and I was pleased with the sight of the first violet. I am again beginning to feel pleasure in nature’s beauties. It was my first excursion.”

“Don’t you go out of doors otherwise?”

“Yes, every Sunday. Always in mother’s company. We start in the morning, have our lunch out of doors and spend the day together.”