Part 1
# Scotch Wit and Humor ### By Howe, W. H. (Walter Henry)
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Transcriber's note:
Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_).
Text enclosed by equal signs is in bold face (=bold=).
[Illustration: portrait]
SCOTCH WIT AND HUMOR
Classified Under Appropriate Subject Headings, with, in Many Cases, a Reference to a Table of Authors
Philadelphia George W. Jacobs & Co. 103-105 S. Fifteenth Street
Copyright, 1898, by George W. Jacobs & Co.
Preface
_Scotch Wit and Humor_ is a fairly representative collection of the type of wit and humor which is at home north of the Tweed--and almost everywhere else--for are not Scotchmen to be found everywhere? To say that wit and humor is not a native of Scotch human nature is to share the responsibility for an inaccuracy the author of which must have been as unobservant as those who repeat it. It is quite true that the humor is not always or generally on the surface--what treasure is?--and it may be true, too, that the thrifty habits of our northern friends, combined with the earnestness produced by their religious history, have brought to the surface the seriousness--amounting sometimes almost to heaviness--which is their most apparent characteristic. But under the surface will be found a rich vein of generosity, and a fund of humor, which soon cure a stranger--if he has eyes to see and is capable of appreciation--of the common error of supposing that Scotchmen are either stingy or stupid.
True, there may be the absence of the brilliancy which characterizes much of the English wit and humor, and of the inexpressible quality which is contained in Hibernian fun; but for point of neatness one may look far before discovering anything to surpass the shrewdness and playfulness to be found in the Scotch race. In fact, if Scotland had no wit and humor she would have been incapable of furnishing a man who employed such methods in construction as were introduced by the engineer of the Forth Bridge.
W. H. HOWE.
Contents
Page
A Badly Arranged Prayer 108
A Beadle Magnifying his Office 26
A Board-School Examiner Floored 143
A Bookseller's Knowledge of Books 181
"A Call to a Wider Sphere" 99
A Canny Witness 112
A Case in which Comparisons were Odious 76
A Castle Stor(e)y 119
A Churl Congratulated 165
A Clever "Turn" 161
A Comfortable Preacher 111
A Compensation Balance 180
A Compliment by Return 68
A Conditional Promise 87
A Consistent Seceder 159
A Consoling "If" 43
A Critic on His Own Criticism 124
"A Cross-examiner Answered" 13
A Crushing Argument against MS Sermons 176
A Curiously Unfortunate Coincidence in Psalm Singing 164
A Cute Gaoler 212
A Cute Way of Getting an Old Account 88
A Definition of Baptism 129
A Definition of "Fou" 59
A Descendant of the Stuarts 105
A Descriptive Hymn 195
A Different Thing Entirely 67
A Discerning Fool 199
A Drunkard's Thoughts 125
A Dry Preacher 120
A False Deal 125
A Family Likeness 30
A Fruitful Field 176
A Good Judge of Accent 38
A Grammatical Beggar 120
A "Grand" Piano 147
A "Grave" Hint 173
A Harmless Joke 106
A Highland Chief and His Doctor 170
A Highland Servant Girl and the Kitchen Bell 97
A Highland Outburst of Gratitude and an Inburst of Hurricane 66
A Highlander on Bagpipes 56
A Keen Reproof 134
A "Kippered" Divine 105
A Law of Nature 199
A Leader's Description of His Followers 190
A Lecture on Baldness--Curious Results 46
A Lesson in Manners 202
A Lesson to the Marquis of Lorne 15
A Lofty "Style" 126
A Lunatic's Advice to Money-Lenders 129
A Magnanimous Cobbler 202
A Marriage not made in Heaven 210
A Matter-of-fact Death Scene 172
A Minor Major 88
A Misdeal 103
A Miserly Professor 46
A Modern Dumb Devil (D.D.) 164
A Mother's Confidence in Her Son 113
A Nest-egg Noo 14
A New and Original Scene in "Othello" 178
A New Application of "The Argument from Design" 174
A New Explanation of an Extra Charge 94
A New Story Book--at the Time 150
A Night in a Coal Cellar 211
A Paradox 200
A Patient Lady 140
A Piper's Opinion of a Lord--and Himself 163
A Poacher's Prayer 205
A Poem for the Future 108
A Poetical Question and Answer 121
A Poor Place for a Cadger 149
A Powerful Preacher 79
A Practical View of Matrimony 207
A Preacher with His Back Towards Heaven 175
A Process of Exhaustion 167
A Ready Student 73
"A Reduction on a Series" 151
A Reproof Cleverly Diverted 32
A Restful Preacher 139
A Sad Drinking Bout 209
A Sad Loss 201
A Satisfactory Explanation 119
A Saving Clause 156
A Scathing Scottish Preacher in Finsbury Park 155
A Scotch Curtain Lecture on Profit and Pain 59
A Scotch Fair Proclamation of Olden Days 153
A Scotch Matrimonial Jubilee 125
A Scotch "Native" 98
A Scotch "Squire" 33
A Scotch "Supply" 109
A Scotch Version of the Lives of Esau and Jacob 62
A Scotch View of Shakespeare 58
A Sensible Lass 200
A Sensible Servant 202
A Serious Dog--and for a Serious Reason 161
A Sexton's Criticism 183
A Shrewd Reply 83
"A Sign of Grace," 103
A Spiritual Barometer 174
A Stranger in the Court of Session 198
A Successful Tradesman 61
A Sympathetic Hearer 87
A Teetotal Preacher Asks for "A Glass"--and Gets It 107
A Test of Literary Appreciation 207
A Thoughtless Wish 167
A Thrifty Proposal 123
A Typical Quarrel 71
A Variety Entertainment 194
A Vigorous Translation 195
A Whole-witted Sermon from a Half-witted Preacher 135
A Widow's Promise 117
A Wife's Protection 100
A "Wigging" 204
Absence of Humor--Illustrated 146
Absent in Mind, and Body too 208
Acts of Parliament "Exhausted" 173
Advice on Nursing 124
Advice to an M.P. 68
"After you, Leddies" 207
"'Alice' Brown, the Jaud" 56
An Affectionate Aunt 199
An Angry Preacher 111
An Author and His Printer 134
An Earl's Pride and Parsimony 127
An Economical Preacher's Bad Memory 92
An Epitaph to Order 194
An "Exceptional Prayer" 118
An Extra Shilling to Avoid a Calamity 206
An Idiot's Views of Insanity 113
An Instance of Scott's Pleasantry 36
An Observant Husband 29
An Open Question 102
An Out-of-the-way Reproof 119
"Another Opportunity" 211
Appearing "in Three Pieces" 73
"As Guid Deid as Leevin" 58
At the End of His Tether 123
Bad Arithmeticians Often Good Bookkeeper 131
"Before the Provost" 195
Beginning Life where he ought to have Ended, and Vice Versa 86
Better than a Countess 114
"Bock Again!"--A Prompt Answer 104
Bolder than Charles the Bold 137
Born Too Late 175
Both Short 193
Broader Than He Was Long 205
"Brothers" in Law 29
"Bulls" in Scotland 29
Canny Dogs 68
Capital Punishment 35
"Capital Punishment"--Modified 90
Caring for Their Minister 19
Catechising 201
Church Economy 60
Church Popularity 197
Choosing a Minister 77
Compensation 84
Compulsory Education and a Father's Remedy 34
Concentrated Caution 173
"Consecrated" Ground 75
Consoled by a Relative's Lameness 41
Curious Delusion Concerning Light 41
Curious Idea of the Evidence for Truth 37
Curious Misunderstanding 131
Curious Pulpit Notice 141
Curious Sentence 42, 68
Curious Use of a Word 91
Dead Shot 34
Deathbed Humor 172
Definition of Metaphysics 131
Degrees of Capacity 95
Denominational Graves 196
Depression--Delight--Despair 126
"Discretion--the Better Part of Valor" 51
Disqualified to be a Country Preacher 122
Distributing His Praises with Discernment 22
Disturbed Devotions 110
Domestics in By-gone Days 102
Double Meanings 17
Drawing an Inference 182
Drinking by Candle-light 121
Driving the Deevil Oot 70
Droll Solemnity 93
Drunken Wit 117
Dry Weather, and Its Effect on the Ocean 37
Earning His Dismissal 57
"Eating Among the Brutes" 110
"Effectual Calling" 142
Either Too Fast or Too Slow 97
English versus Scotch Sheep's Heads 33
Entrance Free, and "Everything Found" 161
Escaping Punishment 196
"Every Man to His Own Trade" 73
Extraordinary Absence of Mind 104
"Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady" 63
Faring Alike 102
Fetching His "Character" 96
Finding Work for His Class, While He Dined 91
Fool Finding 75
Forcing a Judge to Obey the Law 132
"Fou--Aince" 181
Fowls and Ducks! 84
From Different Points of View 74
From Pugilism to Pulpit 158
"Gathering Up the Fragments" 169
Ginger Ale 87
Giving Them the Length of His Tongue 166
Going to Ramoth Gilead 182
Going to the Doctor's and "Taking" Something 76
Good Enough to Give Away 120
Good "for Nothing"--Not the Goodness Worth Having 78
"Grace" With No Meat After 142
Gratifying Industry! 203
Grim Humor 122
Ham and Cheese 150
Happy Escape from an Angry Mob 43
"Haste" and "Leisure" 111
"Haudin' His Stick" 38
"Having the Advantage" 166
"Hearers Only--Not Doers" 88
Heaven Before it Was Wanted 41
Helping Business 48
Highland Happiness 18
Highland Simplicity 85
Highland Warldliness 200
His Own, with "Interest" 193
His Word and His Bond Equally Binding 131
Holding a Candle to the Sun 124
Honest Johnny M'Cree 40
How Greyhounds are Produced 203
How to Exterminate Old Thieves 86
How to Treat a Surplus 89
Husband! Husband! Cease Your Strife! 154
Hume Canonized 160
Inconsistencies of "God's People" 151
Indiscriminate Humor 39
Ingenious Remedy for Ignorance 200
"Invisible and Incomprehensible" 96
It Takes Two to Fight 190
It's a Gran' Nicht 55
"Kaming" Her Ain Head 171
Keeping His Threat--at His Own Expense 145
"Knowledge--It Shall Vanish Away" 106
Knox and Claverhouse 153
Landseer's Deadly Influence 89
Laughing in the Pulpit--With Explanation 37
"Law" Set Aside by "Gospel" 106
Leaving the Lawyers a Margin 129
Less Sense Than a Sheep 41
Lessons in Theology 15
"Lichts Oot!" 107
Light Through a Crack 14
Lights and Livers 193
Living With His Uncle 165
Looking After Himself 193
Looking Before Leaping 107
Lord Clancarty and the Roman Catholic Chaplain 113
Lord Cockburn Confounded 201
Lord Mansfield and a Scotch Barrister on Pronunciation 114
Losing His Senses 51
Lost Dogs 80
"Lost Labor" 149
"Making Hay While the Sun Shines" 112
Mallet, Plane, and Sermon--All Wooden 23
Marriages which are Made in Heaven--How Revealed 115
"Married!"--not "Living" 79
Matrimony a Cure for Blindness 93
Matter More than Manner 90
Maunderings by a Scotchman 184
Meanness versus Crustiness 192
Mending Matters 95
Mental Aberration 70
Minding His Business 79
Modern Improvements 152
More Polite than Some Smokers 100
More Witty Than True 136
Mortal Humor 176
Mortifying Unanimity 43
Motive for Church Going 142
Multum in Parvo 62
National Thrift Exemplified 94
Nearer the Bottom than the Top 175
New Style of Riding in a Funeral Procession 145
New Use for a "Cosy" 95
"No Better than Pharaoh" 143
"No Compliments" 202
No End to His Wit 129
"No Lord's Day!" 34
"No Road This Way!" 159
No Wonder! 27
Not all Profit 89
Not at Home 101
Not "in Chains" 163
Not Necessarily Out of His Depth 98
Not One of "The Establishment" 143
Not Qualified to Baptize 213
Not Quite an Ass 212
Not Surprised 210
Not Up to Sample 116
Not Used to It 141
"Nothing," and How to See It 133
Objecting to Long Sermons 161
Objecting to "Regeneration" 30
Objecting to Scotch "Tarmes" 140
Official Consolation and Callousness 139
"Old Bags" 107
"Old Clo'" 197
One "Always Right," the Other "Never Wrong" 14
One Scotchman Outwitted by Another 214
One Side of Scotch Humor 82
"Oo"--with Variations 116
Ornithology 207
Paris and Peebles Contrasted 57
Passing Remarks 197
Patriotism and Economy 154
Peter Peebles' Prejudice 33
Pie, or Patience? 89
"Plain Scotch" 19
Plain Speaking 93
Playing at Ghosts 157
Pleasant Prospect Beyond the Grave 138
"Plucked!" 36
Popularity Tested by the Collection 118
Practical Piety 172
Practical Thrift 75
"Prayer, with Thanksgiving" 206
Praying for Wind 109
Pretending to Make a Will 133
Prince Albert and the Ship's Cook 77
Prison Piety 61
Prof Aytoun's Courtship 209
Prophesying 130
Providing a Mouthful for the Cow 149
Pulpit Aids 76
Pulpit Eloquence 183
Pulpit Familiarity 165
Pulpit Foolery 138
"Purpose," not "Performance," Heaven's Standard 147
Putting off a Duel and Avoiding a Quarrel 206
Quaint Old Edinburgh Ministers 215
Qualifications for a Chief 26
Question and Answer 127
Quid pro Quo 34
Radically Rude 168
Reasons For and Against Organs in Kirk 31
"Reflections" 28
Refusing Information 85
Relieving His Wife's Anxiety 168
Religious Loneliness 61
Remarkable Presence of Mind 86
Remembering Each Other 115
Reproving a Miser 83
"Rippets" and Humility 170
Rival Anatomists in Edinburgh University 49
Rivalry in Prayer 179
Robbing on Credit 75, 127
Rustic Notion of the Resurrection 128
Sabbath Breaking 85
Sabbath Zeal 123
"Saddling the Ass" 102
Salmon or Sermon 104
Sandy's Reply to the Sheriff 120
Sandy Wood's Proposal of Marriage 49
Satisfactory Security 114
Scoring a Point 13
Scotch Caution versus Suretiship 105
Scotch "Fashion" 18
Scotch Ingenuity 137
Scotch Literalness 98
Scotch "Paddy" 35
Scotch Provincialism 100
Scotch Undergraduates and Funerals 39
Scotchmen Everywhere 180
Scottish Negativeness 96
Scottish Patriotism 147
Scottish Vision and Cockney Chaff 197
Scripture Examination 87
Sectarian Resemblances 166
Seeking, Not Help, but Information--and Getting It 34
Sending Him to Sleep 152
Shakespeare--Nowhere! 159
Sharpening His Teeth 92
Sheridan's Pauses 208
"Short Commons" 137
Short Measure 57
Significant Advice 204
Silencing English Insolence 48
Simplicity of a Collier's Wife 108
Sleepy Churchgoers 170
Speaking Figuratively 112
Speaking from "Notes" 74
Speeding the Parting Guest 192
Spiking an Old Gun 156
Spinning It Out 100
Splendid Use for Bagpipes 171
Square-Headed 84
Strange Reason for Not Increasing a Minister's Stipend 183
Strangers--"Unawares"--Not Always Angels 28
Stratagem of a Scotch Pedlar 80
Steeple or People? 159
Stretching It 69
Sunday Drinking 181
Sunday Shaving and Milking 70
Sunday Thoughts on Recreation 167
"Surely the Net is Spread in Vain in the Sight of Any Bird" 64
Taking a Light Supper 128
"Terms--'Cash Down'" 132
"The" and "The Other" 197
The Best Crap 210
The Best Time to Quarrel 146
The Book Worms 148
The Chieftain and the Cabby 88
The End Justifying the Means 45
The Fall of Adam and Its Consequences 85
The Fly-fisher and the Highland Lassie 101
The Force of Habit 204
The Highlander and the Angels 82
The Horse that Kept His Promise 146
The Importance of Quantity in Scholarship 35
The Journeyman Dog 60
The Kirk of Lamington 149
The Man at the Wheel 156
The Mercy of Providence 59
The "Minister's Man" 177
The Parson and His "Thirdly" 136
The Philosophy of Battle and Victory 154
The Prophet's Chamber 160
The Queen's Daughters--or "Appearances were Against Them" 116
The "Sawbeth" at a Country Inn 180
The Scotch Mason and the Angel 135
The Speech of a Cannibal 162
The Scottish Credit System 35
The Selkirk Grace 151
The Shape of the Earth 178
The Shoemaker and Small Feet 137
The Same with a Difference 139
"The Spigot's Oot" 193
The "Tables" of "the Law" 110
The Value of a Laugh in Sickness 92
"The Weaker Vessel" 79
"There Maun Be Some Faut" 172
"Things which Accompany Salvation" 192
"Though Lost to Sight--to Memory Dear" 153
Three Sisters All One Age 19
Tired of Standing 61
"To Memory 'Dear'" 78
Too Canny to Admit Anything Particular 42
Too Much Light--and Too Little 31
Touching Each Other's Limitations 165
True (perhaps) of Other Places than Dundee 133
Trying One Grave First 90
Trying to Shift the Job 94
Turning His Father's Weakness to Account 36
"Two Blacks Don't Make a White" 158
Two Good Memories 83
Two Methods of Getting a Dog Out of Church 174
Two Questions on the Fall of Man 162
Two Views of a Divine Call 58
Two Ways of Mending Ways 160
Unanswerable 75
"Uncertainty of Life," from Two Good Points of View 148
"Unco' Modest" 30
Unusual for a Scotchman 134
"Ursa Major" 207
Using Their Senses 24
Vanity Scathingly Reproved 203
"Verra Weel Pitched" 118
Virtuous Necessity 27
Was He a Liberal or a Tory? 123
Walloping Judas 56
Watty Dunlop's Sympathy for Orphans 18
Wersh Parritch and Wersh Kisses 198
"What's the Lawin', Lass?" 190
When Asses may not be Parsons 62
Why Israel made a Golden Calf 92
Why Janet Slept During Her Pastor's Sermon 99
Why Not? 133
Why Saul Threw a Javelin at David 182
Why the Bishops Disliked the Bible 139
Will any Gentleman Oblige "a Lady"? 150
Winning the Race Instead of the Battle 207
Wiser than Solomon 152
"Wishes Never Filled the Bag" 141
Wit and Humor Under Difficulties 198
LIST OF KNOWN WORKS AND AUTHORITIES QUOTED
(_Indicated in the Text by a Corresponding Number_)
1 _Life and Labor_ (Smiles)
2 (Robert Burns)
3 (Pall Mall Gazette)
4 (Dr. Chas. Stewart)
5 (Norman Macleod)
6 (Dr. Begg)
7 (Dean Ramsay)
8 _National Fun_ (Maurice Davies)
9 _Anecdotes of the Clergy_ (Jacob Larwood)
10 (William Arnott)
11 (Moncure D. Conway)
12 _Rab and His Friends_ (Rev. John Brown)
13 _Memoir of R. Chambers_ (William Chambers)
14 _Memorials_ (Lord Cockburn)
15 (Dr. Guthrie)
16 (Anonymous)
17 (Daily News)
18 _Turkey in Europe_ (Colonel J. Baker)
19 _All the Year Round_ (Charles Dickens)
20 _Red Gauntlet_ (Sir Walter Scott)
21 (Chambers' Journal)
22 (Dr. Hanna)
23 (Sir W. Scott)
24 (James Hogg)
25 (Rev. D. Hogg)
26 (J. Smith)
Scotch Wit and Humor
=Scoring a Point=
A young Englishman was at a party mostly composed of Scotchmen, and though he made several attempts to crack a joke, he failed to evoke a single smile from the countenances of his companions. He became angry, and exclaimed petulantly: "Why, it would take a gimlet to put a joke into the heads of you Scotchmen."
"Ay," replied one of them; "but the gimlet wud need tae be mair pointed than thae jokes."
=A Cross-Examiner Answered=
Mr. A. Scott writes from Paris: More than twenty years ago the Rev. Dr. Arnott, of Glasgow, delivered a lecture to the Young Men's Christian Association, Exeter Hall, upon "The earth framed and fitted as a habitation for man." When he came to the subject of "water" he told the audience that to give himself a rest he would tell them an anecdote. Briefly, it was this: John Clerk (afterwards Lord Eldon) was being examined before a Committee of the House of Lords. In using the word water, he pronounced it in his native Doric as "watter." The noble lord, the chairman, had the rudeness to interpose with the remark, "In England, Mr. Clerk, we spell water with one 't.'" Mr. Clerk was for a moment taken aback, but his native wit reasserted itself and he rejoined, "There may na be twa 't's' in watter, my lord, but there are twa 'n's' in manners." The droll way in which the doctor told the story put the audience into fits of laughter, renewed over and over again, so that the genial old lecturer obtained the rest he desired. [3]
=One "Always Right," the Other "Never Wrong"=
A worthy old Ayrshire farmer had the portraits of himself and his wife painted. When that of her husband, in an elegant frame, was hung over the fireplace, the gudewife remarked in a sly manner: "I think, gudeman, noo that ye've gotten your picture hung up there, we should just put in below't, for a motto, like, 'Aye richt!'"
"Deed may ye, my woman," replied her husband in an equally pawkie tone; "and when ye got yours hung up ower the sofa there, we'll just put up anither motto on't, and say, 'Never wrang!'"
="A Nest Egg Noo!"=
An old maid, who kept house in a thriving weaving village, was much pestered by the young knights of the shuttle constantly entrapping her serving-women into the willing noose of matrimony. This, for various reasons, was not to be tolerated. She accordingly hired a woman sufficiently ripe in years, and of a complexion that the weather would not spoil. On going with her, the first day after the term, to "make her markets," they were met by a group of strapping young weavers, who were anxious to get a peep at the "leddy's new lass."
One of them, looking more eagerly into the face of the favored handmaid than the rest, and then at her mistress, could not help involuntarily exclaiming, "Hech, mistress, ye've gotten a nest egg noo!"
=Light Through a Crack=
Some years ago the celebrated Edward Irving had been lecturing at Dumfries, and a man who passed as a wag in that locality had been to hear him.
He met Watty Dunlop the following day, who said, "Weel, Willie, man, an' what do ye think of Mr. Irving?"
"Oh," said Willie, contemptuously, "the man's crack't."
Dunlop patted him on the shoulder, with a quiet remark, "Willie, ye'Il aften see a light peeping through a crack!" [7]
=A Lesson to the Marquis of Lorne=
The youthful Maccallum More, who is now allied to the Royal Family of Great Britain, was some years ago driving four-in-hand in a rather narrow pass on his father's estate. He was accompanied by one or two friends--jolly young sprigs of nobility--who appeared, under the influence of a very warm day and in the prospect of a good dinner, to be wonderfully hilarious.
In this mood the party came upon a cart laden with turnips, alongside which the farmer, or his man, trudged with the most perfect self-complacency, and who, despite frequent calls, would not make the slightest effort to enable the approaching equipage to pass, which it could not possibly do until the cart had been drawn close up to the near side of the road. With a pardonable assumption of authority, the marquis interrogated the carter: "Do you know who I am, sir?" The man readily admitted his ignorance.
"Well," replied the young patrician, preparing himself for an effective _dénouement_, "I'm the Duke of Argyll's eldest son!"
"Deed," quoth the imperturbable man of turnips, "an' I dinna care gin ye were the deevil's son; keep ye're ain side o' the road, an' I'll keep mine."
It is creditable to the good sense of the marquis, so far from seeking to resist this impertinent rejoinder, he turned to one of his friends, and remarked that the carter was evidently "a very clever fellow."
=Lessons in Theology=
The answer of an old woman under examination by the minister, to the question from the Shorter Catechism, "What are the _decrees_ of God?" could not have been surpassed by the General Assembly of the Kirk, or even the Synod of Dart, "Indeed, sir, He kens that best Himsell."
* * * * *
An answer analogous to the above, though not so pungent, was given by a catechumen of the late Dr. Johnston of Leith. She answered his own question, patting him on the shoulder: "Deed, just tell it yersell, bonny doctor (he was a very handsome man); naebody can tell it better."
* * * * *
A contributor (A. Halliday) to _All the Year Round_, in 1865, writes as follows:
When I go north of Aberdeen, I prefer to travel by third class. Your first-class Scotchman is a very solemn person, very reserved, very much occupied in maintaining his dignity, and while saying little, appearing to claim to think the more. The people whom you meet in the third-class carriages, on the other hand, are extremely free. There is no reserve about them whatever; they begin to talk the moment they enter the carriage, about the crops, the latest news, anything that may occur to them. And they are full of humor and jocularity.