Part 19
THROAT. Why, that's his occupation: he will cheat In a cloak lin'd with velvet: he will prate Faster than five barbers and a tailor; Lie faster than ten city occupiers[368] Or cunning tradesmen: goes a-trust In every tavern, where h' has spent a fagot; Swears love to every whore, squires bawds, And takes up houses for them as their husband: He is a man I love, and have done much To bring him to preferment.
FRAN. Is there no trust, no honesty in men?
THROAT. Faith, some there is, And 'tis all in the hands of us lawyers And women: and those women which have it, Keep their honesty so close, that not one Amongst a hundred is perceiv'd to have it.
FRAN. Good sir, may I not by law forsake him, And wed another, though my word be pass'd To be his wife?
THROAT. O, questionless, you may! You have many precedents and bookcases for't: Nay, though you were married by a bookcase Of _Millesimo sexcentessimo_, &c. You may forsake your husband, and wed another, Provided that some fault be in the husband, As none of them are clear.
FRAN. I am resolv'd. I will not wed him, though I beg my bread.
THROAT. All that I have is yours; and were I worthy To be your husband------
FRAN. I thank you, sir; I will rather wed a most perfidious Red-shanks A noted Jew, or some mechanic slave, Than let him joy my sheets.
THROAT. He comes, he comes.
_Enter_ W. SMALL-SHANKS, BOUTCHER, T. SMALL-SHANKS, BEARD.
W. SMALL. Now, my virago, 'tis done: all's cock-sure. I have a priest will mumble up a marriage Without bell, book, or candle:[369] a nimble slave, An honest Welshman, that was a tailor, But now is made a curate.
BEARD. Nay, y' are fitted.
BOUT. Now, Master Throat.
T. SMALL. Where's your spirit, sister?
W. SMALL. What, all amort?[370] what's the matter? do you hear?
BOUT. What's the reason of this melancholy?
THROAT. By heaven, I know not?
W. SMALL. Has the gudgeon bit? [_Aside._
FRAN. He has been nibbling. [_Aside._
W. SMALL. Hold him to it, wench, And it will hit, by heaven. [_Aside._] Why art so sad? 'Foot, wench, we will be married to-night, We'll sup at th' Mitre, and from thence My brother and we three will to the Savoy; Which done, I tell thee, girl, we'll, hand o'er head, Go to it pell-mell for a maidenhead. Come, you are lusty: you wenches are like bells, You give no music till you feel the clapper. Come, Throat: a torch. We must be gone. [_Exit._
FRAN. Servant.
BEARD. Mistress.
FRAN. We are undone.
BEARD. Now Jove forfend![371]
FRAN. This fellow has no land; and which is worse, He has no credit.
BEARD. How! are we outstripp'd? Blown up by wit of man? Let us be gone Home again, home again: our market now is done.
FRAN. That were too great a scandal.
THROAT. Most true! Better to wed another, than to return With scandal and defame: wed me a man, Whose wealth may reconcile your mother's love. And make the action lawful.
BEARD. But where's the man? I like your counsel, could you show the man.
THROAT. Myself am he, might I but dare aspire Unto so high a fortune.
BEARD. Mistress, take the man: Shall we be baffled with fair promises. Or shall we trudge like beggars back again? No, take this wise and virtuous man Who, should he lose his legs, his arms, his ears, His nose, and all his other members, Yet if his tongue be left, 'twill get his living. Take me this man.
THROAT. Thanks, gentle Master Beard.
FRAN. 'Tis impossible; this night he means to wed me.
THROAT. If not by law, we will with pow'r prevent it, So you but give consent.
FRAN. Let's hear the means.
THROAT. I'll muster up my friends, and thus I cast it:[372] Whilst they are busy, you and I will hence Directly to a chapel, where a priest Shall knit the nuptial knot, ere they pursue us.
BEARD. O rare invention! I will act my part; He owes me thirteen pound, I say no more, But there be catchpoles [_Aside_]; speak, is't a match?[373]
FRAN. I give my liking.
THROAT. Dash!
DASH. Sir.
THROAT. Get your sword, [_Exeunt_ FRANCES _and_ BEARD. And me my buckler: nay, you shall know We are _Tam Marti quam Mercurio_. Bring my cloak: you shall thither: I'll for friends. Worship and wealth the lawyer's state attends. Dash, we must bear some brain[374] to Saint John's Street, Go, run, fly: and afar off inquire, If that the Lady Sommerfield be there, If there, know what news; and meet me straight At the Mitre door,[375] in Fleet Street. Away! "To get rich wives, men must not use delay."
FOOTNOTES:
[351] The edition of this play in 1636 omits the word _wench_, and therefore it was not found in the last reprint under the care of Mr Reed. It is now inserted from the copy of 1611.--_Collier._
[352] Terms of the chase. _Mussers_ are hiding-holes, or lurking-places; from the Fr. _musser_, to hide, conceal, &c.
[353] _i.e._, As brave a man.
[354] [Edits., Q, the letter having been written probably by the transcriber of the play for press to save trouble. A Q is a farthing in the old college books.]
[355] I imagine an allusion is here intended to the _buff_ coats of the Serjeants belonging to the Counter. See p. 330.
[356] These lines are the conclusion of many old songs. Several instances are produced by Mr Steevens, Sir John Hawkins, and Mr Tyrwhit, in their notes on "Twelfth Night," act ii. sc. 3.
Again, in "Laugh and Lie Downe," 1605, sig. E 4: "He plaied such a song of the _three merry men_, that had the dittie beene in a strange language, I should have been puzzled in the musick."
[357] [This allusion occurs also in Wybarne's "New Age of Old Names," 1609, p. 12, and in "The Return from Parnassus," 1606, (ix. 103).]
[358] Another proof that the edit. of 1636 only was followed by Mr Reed. The first 4o has it--"Why so: _these_ are tricks," &c., and not "_there_ are tricks," as in the second 4o.--_Collier._
[359] [See Dyce's Shakespeare, 1868, v. 178, and "Glossary," _v._ Fifteens. A _fifteen_ was a levy made in subsidies, amounting to a fifteenth of the personalty; but here the phrase almost seems to be used loosely, in the sense of extortion.]
[360] _i.e._, Head.
[361] [Old copies, _O_.]
[362] This is proverbial. [See Hazlitt'e "Proverbs," 1869, p. 84], The Scots say, a young man's _wonderling_. See "Collection of Scots Proverbs," 8o, 1721, by James Kelly, who observes it is used as an argument to induce a young girl to marry an old man.
[363] _To bear in hand_ was a common phrase, signifying _to keep in expectation or dependence_. In Dr Walter Pope's "Life of Bishop Seth Ward," 1697, p. 104, is the following passage: "My Lord, I _might bear you in hand_; a western phrase, signifying _to delay or keep in expectation_, and feed you with promises, or at least hopes, that I should cure you in some competent time," &c.
Again, in Fennor's "Compter's Commonwealth," p. 47: "I have seen divers gentlemen come into prison (after they have laine a fortnight or three weekes at some of their houses, at an excessive rate) without either cloake, sword, or hat, which the sergeants have got from them, onely _bearing them in hand_ that they will get them baile."
And in Ben Jonson's "Volpone," act i. sc. 1--
"_Still bearing them in hand_, Letting the cherry knock against their lips. And draw it by their mouths and back again."
The phrase frequently occurs in Shakespeare.
[364] [So forward.]
[365] Intimate, on familiar terms. See note to "The Spanish Tragedy" [v. 168]
[366] An allusion, seemingly, to a popular saying. See Hazlitt's" Proverbs," p. 190.
[367] Terms of legerdemain.
[368] [Merchants.]
[369] These words, _bell, book, and candle_, refer to the mode of excommunication in the Romish Church. In "King John," act iii. sc. 3, the Bastard says--
"_Bell, book, and candle_ shall not drive me back, When gold and silver becks me to come on."
Dr Grey, in his "Notes on Shakespeare," i. 284, has given the ceremonial on pronouncing an excommunication, by which it appears that in the performance of this office three candles were to be extinguished in the different parts of it. In Archbishop Winchelsea's sentences of excommunication, anno 1298 (see Johnson's "Ecclesiastical Laws," vol. ii.), it is directed that the sentence against infringers of certain articles should be "throughout explained _in order in English_, with _bells tolling and candles lighted_, that it may cause the greater dread; for Laymen have greater regard to this solemnity than to the effect of such sentences."
[370] _All amort_ here and in other places signifies _melancholy_. So in Greene's "History of Friar Bacon," 1594--
"Shall he thus _all amort_ live malecontent."
Again, in "Wily Beguiled," 1606--
"Why, how now, Sophos, _all amort_? still languish in love?"
[ix. 305]. And in the "Contention between Liberality and Prodigality," 1602, the author makes an addition to this French expression not usually found in English--
"What, is there none that answers? _Tout a-la-mort?_"
[viii. 335.]--_Collier._
[371] [Prevent. See note at p. 18 of vol. vii.]
[372] _i.e._, Contrive it. The word is still sometimes used in the same sense.
[373] All after the words _O rare invention_ has been hitherto given to Throat without any notice, and although both the quartos assign it to Beard, who, as appears subsequently, had advanced the sum he mentions.--_Collier._
[374] So in "The Country Captain," by the Duke of Newcastle, 1649, p. 51: "When these wordes of command are rotten, we will sow some other military seedes; _you beare a braine_ and memory."
Again, the Nurse, in "Romeo and Juliet," says--
"Well _I do bear a brain_."
See Mr Steevens's note on this last passage.
ACTUS III., SCÆNA 1.
Enter SIR OLIVER SMALL-SHANKS, JUSTICE TUTCHIN.
JUS. TUT. A-hunting, Sir Oliver, and dry-foot too!
O. SMALL. We old men have our crotchets, our conundrums. Our figaries, quirks, and quibbles, As well as youth. Justice Tutchin, I go To hunt no buck, but prick a lusty doe. I go, in truth, a-wooing.
JUS. TUT. Then ride with me, I'll bring you to my sister Sommerfield.
O. SMALL. Justice, not so; by her there hangs a tale.
JUS. TUT. That's true indeed.
O. SMALL. She has a daughter.
JUS. TUT. And what of that?
O. SMALL. I likewise have a son, A villanous boy, his father up and down;[376] What should I say? these velvet-bearded boys Will still be doing, say what we old men can.
JUS. TUT. And what of this, Sir Oliver? be plain.
O. SMALL. A nimble-spirited knave, the villain boy Has one trick of his sire, has got the wench, Stol'n your rich sister's heir.
JUS. TUT. Sommerfield's heir?
O. SMALL. Has done the deed, has pierc'd the vessel's head, And knows by this the vintage.
JUS. TUT. When should this be?
O. SMALL. As I am by my counsel well-informed, This very day.
JUS. TUT. Tut, it cannot be, Some ten miles hence I saw the maid last night.
O. SMALL. Maids may be maids to-night, and not to-morrow. Women are free, and sell their maidenheads, As men sell cloth by yard and handful; But if you chance to see your sister widow, Comfort her tears, and say her daughter's match'd With one that has a knocker to his father-- An honest, noble knight.
JUS. TUT. Stand close, knight, close, And mark this captain's humour. His name is Puff. He dreams as he walks, and thinks no woman
_Enter_ CAPTAIN PUFF.
Sees, him, but is in love with him.
PUFF. 'Twere brave, If some great lady through a window spied me, And straight should love me. Say, she should send Five thousand pound unto my lodging, And crave my company! with that money I would make three several cloaks, and line them With black, crimson, and tawny three-pil'd velvet; I would eat at Chare's ordinary, and dice At Antony's: then would I keep my whore In beaten velvet, and have two slaves to tend her.
O. SMALL. Ha, ha, ha!
PUFF. What, my case of Justices? What, are you eavesdropping? or do you think Your tawny coats with greasy facings here Shall carry it? Sir Oliver Small-shanks, Know my name is Puff, knight; thee have I sought To fright thee from thy wits.
JUS. TUT. Nay, good Sir Puff, We have too many madmen already.
PUFF. How? I tell thee, Justice Tutchin, not all Thy bailiffs, serjeants, busy constables, Defeasants, warrants, or thy mittimuses, Shall save his throat from cutting, if he presume To woo the widow yclipped[377] Taffata: She is my wife by oath. Therefore, take heed: Let me not catch thee in the widow's house: If I do, I'll pick thy head upon my sword, And piss in thy very visnomy; beware, beware! Come there no more; a captain's word Flies not so fierce as doth his fatal sword. [_Exit_ PUFF.
O. SMALL. How like you this? shall we endure this thunder, Or go no further?
JUS. TUT. We will on, Sir Oliver, We will on; let me alone to touch him. I wonder how my spirit did forbear To strike him on the face: had this been spoke Within my liberties, h' had died for it.
_Re-enter_ CAPTAIN PUFF.
O. SMALL. I was about to draw.
PUFF. If you come there, Thy beard shall serve to stuff those balls, by which I get me heat at tennis.
JUS. TUT. Is he gone? [_Exit_ PUFF. I would he durst ha' stood to this a while. Well, I shall catch him in a narrow room, Where neither of us can flinch: if I do, I'll make him dance-a trenchmoor[378] to my sword. Come, I'll along with you to the widow. We will not be outbraved, take my word, We'll not be wrong'd, while I can draw a sword. [_Exeunt._
_Enter_ THROAT _and two other_ GENTLEMEN.
THROAT. Let the coach stay at Shoe Lane end; be ready. Let the boot stand open; and when she's in, Hurry towards Saint Giles's in the Fields, As if the devil himself were waggoner. Now for an arm of oak and heart of steel, To bear away the wench, to get a wife, A gentlewoman, a maid--nay, which is more, An honest maid and, which is most of all, A rich and honest maid: O Jove! O Jove! For a man to wed such a wife as this Is to dwell in the suburbs of heaven.
1ST GENT. Is she so exquisite?
THROAT. Sir, she is rich, And a great heir.
2D GENT. 'Tis the more dangerous.
THROAT. Dangerous? Lord! where be those gallant spirits? The time has been, when scarce an honest woman, Much less a wench, could pass an inn-of-court, But some of the fry would have been doing With her. I knew the day, when Shreds, a tailor, Coming once late by an inn-of-chancery, Was laid along, and muffled in his cloak, His wife took in, stitch'd-up, turn'd out again, And he persuaded all was but in jest. Tut, those brave boys are gone; these which are left Are wary lads, live poring on their books, And give their linen to their laundresses; By tail they now can save their purses:[379] I knew, when every gallant had his man, But now a twelvepenny weekly laundress Will serve the turn to half a dozen of them.
_Enter_ DASH.
Here comes my man; what news?
DASH. As you would wish; The Lady Sommerfield is come to town. Her horses yet are walking, and her men say Her only daughter is conveyed away-- No man knows how. Now to it, master! You and your servant Dash are made for ever, If you but stick to it now.
THROAT. Gentlemen, Now show yourselves at full, and not a man But shares a fortune with me, if I speed.
_Enter_ WILLIAM SMALL-SHANKS, BOUTCHER, THOMAS SMALL-SHANKS, FRANCES, _and_ BEARD _with_ _a torch_.
1ST GENT. Tut, fear not us; be sure you run away, And we'll perform the quarrel.
THROAT. Stand close: they come.
W. SMALL. Art sure he will be here?
FRAN. Most sure.
W. SMALL. Beard.
BEARD. Sir.
W. SMALL. Bear up the torch, and keep your way apace Directly to the Savoy.
T. SMALL. Have you a licence? Look to that, brother, before you marry, For fear the parson lose his benefice.
W. SMALL. Tut, our curate craves no licence; he swears His living came to him by a miracle.
BOUT. How by [a] miracle?
W. SMALL. Why, he paid nothing for't: He swears that few be free from simony, But only Welshmen, and those he says, too, Are but mountain priests.
BOUT. But hang him, fool, he lies: What's his reason?
W. SMALL. His reason is this; That all their livings are so rude and bare, That not a man will venture his damnation By giving money for them: he does protest, There is but two pair of hose and shoes In all his parish.
1ST GENT. Hold up your light, sir.
BEARD. Shall I be taught how to advance my torch?
W. SMALL. What's the matter, lieutenant?
2D GENT. Your lieutenant's an ass.
BEARD. How, an ass? die, men, like dogs?[380] [_Draws._
W. SMALL. Hold, gentlemen.
BEARD. An ass! an ass!
THROAT. Hold, brother, hold! lieutenant. Put up, as you are men; your wife is gone.
W. SMALL. Gone?
BOUT. Gone.
W. SMALL. How? which way? this is some plot.
T. SMALL. Down toward Fleet Bridge.
ALL. Follow, follow, follow!
1ST GENT. So has the wench; let us pursue aloof,[381] And see the event. This will prove good mirth, When things unshap'd shall have a perfect birth. [_Exit._
_Enter_ WILLIAM SMALL-SHANKS, BOUTCHER, THOMAS SMALL-SHANKS, _and_ BEARD, _their swords drawn_.
W. SMALL. 'Tis a thing impossible they should be gone Thus far, and we not see them.
T. SMALL. Upon my life, They went in by the Greyhound, and so struck Into Bridewell.
BOUT. What should she make there?
T. SMALL. Take water at the dock.
BEARD. Water at dock! A fico for her dock! you'll not be rul'd, You'll still be obstinate, I'll pawn my fate, She took along Shoe Lane, and so went home.
W. SMALL. Home?
BEARD. Ay, home; how could she choose but go, Seeing so many naked tools at once Drawn in the street?
T. SMALL. What scurvy luck was this?
W. SMALL. Come, we will find her, or we'll fire the suburbs. Put up your tools; let's first along Shoe Lane, Then straight up Holborn; if we find her not, We'll thence direct to Throat's; if she be lost, I am undone, and all your hopes are cross'd. [_Exeunt._
_Enter_ SIR OLIVER SMALL-SHANKS, JUSTICE TUTCHIN, MISTRESS TAFFATA, ADRIANA.
O. SMALL. Widow, I must be short.
JUS. TUT. Sir Oliver, Will you shame yourself, ha? you must be short! Why, what a word was that to tell a widow?
O. SMALL. I meant I must be brief.
JUS. TUT. Why say so, then, Yet that's almost as ill; go to, speak on.
O. SMALL. Widow, I must be brief; what old men do, They must do quickly.
TAF. Then, good sir, do it; Widows are seldom slow to put men to it.
O. SMALL. And old men know their cues: my love, you know, Has been protested long, and now I come To make my latest tender; an old-grown oak Can keep you from the rain, and stands as fair And portly as the best.
TAF. Yet search him well, And we shall find no pith or hearty timber To underlay a building. [_Aside._
JUS. TUT. I would that oak Had been a-fire: forward, good Sir Oliver, Your oak is nought: stick not too much to that.
[_Aside._
O. SMALL. If you can like, you shall be ladyfied, Live at the court, and soon be got with child. What, do you think we old men can do nothing?
JUS. TUT. This was somewhat like.
O. SMALL. You shall have jewels, A baboon, parrot, and an Iceland[382] dog, And I myself to bear you company. Your jointure is five hundred pound by year, Besides your plate, your chains, and household-stuff, When envious fate shall change this mortal life.
TAF. But shall I not be overcloy'd with love? Will you not be too busy? shall I keep My chamber by the month, if I be pleas'd To take physic, to send for visitants, To have my maid read Amadis de Gaul Or Donzel del Phoebo[383] to me I shall I have A coach of the last edition-- The coachman's seat a good way from the coach, That, if some other ladies and myself Chance to talk bawdy, he may not o'erhear us?
O. SMALL. All this, and more.
TAF. Shall we have two chambers? And will you not presume unto my bed, Till I shall call you by my waiting-maid?
O. SMALL. Not I, by heaven!
TAF. And when I send her, Will you not entice her to your lust, Nor tumble her, before you come to me?
ADRI. Nay, let him do his worst, make your match sure, And fear not me; I never yet did fear [_Aside._ Anything my master could do to me. [_Knock._
TAF. What noise is that? go, see, Adriana, And bring me word: I am so haunted With a swaggering captain, that swears, God bless us,
_Enter_ ADRIANA.
Like a very termagant:[384]--a rascal knave, That says he will kill all men which seek to wed me.
ADRI. O mistress! Captain Puff, half-drunk, is now Coming up-stairs.
O. SMALL. O God! have you no room Beyond this chamber? h' has sworn to kill me, And piss in my very visnomy.
TAF. What, are you afraid, Sir Oliver?
O. SMALL. Not afraid; But of all men I love not to meddle with a drunkard: Have you any room backwards?
TAF. None, sir.
JUS. TUT. Is there ne'er a trunk or cupboard for him? Is there ne'er a hole backwards to hide him in?
CAPT. PUFF [_without_]. I must speak with her.
O. SMALL. O God! he comes!
ADRI. Creep under my mistress's farthingale, knight. That's the best and safest place in the chamber. Jus. TUT. Ay, there, there--that lie will never mistrust.
ADRI. Enter, knight, keep close; gather yourself Round like a hedgehog; stir not, whate'er you hear See, or smell, knight. God bless us! here he comes.
_Enter_ CAPTAIN PUFF.
CAPT. PUFF. Bless thee, widow and wife.
TAF. Sir, get you gone, Leave my house, or I will have you conjur'd With such a spell you never yet have heard of. Have you no other place to vent your froth But in my house? is this the fittest place Your captainship can find to puff in, ha?
CAPT. PUFF. How? am I not thy spouse? didst thou not say These arms should clip[385] thy naked body fast Betwixt two linen sheets, and be sole lord Of all thy pewter-work? Thy word is pass'd: And know, that man is powder, dust and earth, That shall once dare to think thee for his wife!
TAF. How now, you slave? One call the constable.
CAPT. PUFF. No constable with all his halberdiers Dare once advance his head or peep up stairs, If I cry but, keep down: have I not liv'd, And march'd on sieged walls, In thunder, lightning, rain, and snow, And eke in shot of powdered balls, Whose costly marks are yet to show?