Part 20
Oh, you should keep perfectly quiet, we're tired of you even in the play; moreover, now so very--
SCHLOSS.
A Jackpudding dares to talk to us?
JACKPUD.
Why not? For if people laugh at me, I am not hurt at all; why, it would be my warmest wish to have you laugh at me. So do not hesitate.
LEUTNER.
That is pretty funny!
JACKPUD.
Naturally, what scarcely befits the king is all the more fitting for me; hence he would not appear, but left this important announcement to me.
MÜLLER.
But we do not wish to hear anything.
JACKPUD.
My dear German countrymen--
SCHLOSS.
I believe the setting of the play is in Asia.
JACKPUD.
But now, you see, I am talking to you merely as an actor to the spectators.
SCHLOSS.
People, it's all over with me now; I am crazy.
JACKPUD.
Do be pleased to hear that the former scene, which you just saw, is not part of the play at all.
FISCHER.
Not part of the play? Then how does it get in there?
JACKPUD.
The curtain was raised too soon. It was a private discussion which would not have taken place on the stage at all if it were not so horribly crowded behind the scenes. Now if you were deceived, it is of course so much the worse; then just be kind enough to eradicate this delusion again; for from now on, do you understand me, only after I have gone away, will the act really begin. Between you and me, all the preceding has nothing to do with it at all. But you are to be compensated; much is coming soon which is very essential to the plot. I have spoken to the playwright myself and he has assured me of it.
FISCHER.
Yes, your playwright is just the fellow.
JACKPUD.
He's good for nothing, isn't it so? Well, I am glad after all, that there is still some one else who has the same taste as I--
THE PIT.
All of us, all of us!
JACKPUD.
Your obedient servant; it is too great an honor by far. Yes, God knows, he is a wretched writer--only to give a bad example; what a miserable part he has given me! Where, pray, am I witty and funny? I appear in so few scenes, and I believe, if I hadn't stepped forward even now, by a lucky chance, I should not have appeared again at all.
PLAYWRIGHT (_rushing forward_).
Impudent fellow--
JACKPUD.
Look, he is even jealous of the small part I am playing now.
PLAYWRIGHT (_on the other side of the stage with a bow_).
Worthy friends! I never should have dared to give this man a more important part since I know your taste--
JACKPUDDING (_on the other side_).
_Your_ taste? Now you see his jealousy--and they have all just declared that my taste is the same as theirs.
PLAYWR.
I wished, by means of the present play, only to prepare you for even more extravagant products of the imagination.
ALL IN THE PIT.
How? What?
JACKPUD.
Of course for plays in which I would have no part to act at all.
PLAYWR.
For the development of this matter must advance step by step.
JACKPUD.
Don't believe a word he says!
PLAYWR.
Now I withdraw, not to interrupt the course of the play any longer.
[_Exit._]
JACKPUD.
Adieu, until we meet again. (_Exit, returns again quickly._) _Apropos_--another thing--the discussion which has just taken place among us is not part of the play either.
[_Exit._]
THE PIT (_laughs_).
JACKPUDDING (_returns again quickly_).
Let us finish the wretched play today; make believe you do not notice at all how bad it is; as soon as I get home I'll sit down and write one for you that you will certainly like.
[_Exit, some applause._]
(_Enter_ GOTTLIEB _and_ HINZE)
GOTTLIEB.
Dear Hinze, it is true you are doing much for me, but I still cannot understand what good it is going to do me.
HINZE.
Upon my word, I want to make you happy.
GOTTLIEB.
Happiness must come soon, very soon, otherwise it will be too late; it is already half past seven and the comedy ends at eight.
HINZE.
Say, what the devil does that mean?
GOTTLIEB.
Oh, I was lost in thought--See! I meant to say, how beautifully the sun has risen. The accursed prompter speaks so indistinctly; and then if you want to extemporize once in a while, it always goes wrong.
HINZE (_quietly_).
Do bethink yourself, otherwise the whole play will break in a thousand pieces.
SCHLOSS.
I wish somebody would tell me why I can no longer understand anything.
FISCHER.
My intelligence is at a standstill too.
GOTTLIEB.
So my fortune is yet to be determined today?
HINZE.
Yes, dear Gottlieb, even before the sun sets. See, I love you so much that I would run through fire for you--and you doubt my sincerity?
WIESENER.
Did you hear that? He is going to run through fire. Ah, fine, here we get the scene from the _Magic Flute_ too, with the fire and the water!
NEIGHBOR.
But cats do not go into the water.
WIESENER.
Why so much the greater is the cat's love for his master, you see; that's just what the author wants to make us understand.
HINZE.
Now what would you like to become in the world, anyhow?
GOTTLIEB.
Oh, I don't know, myself.
HINZE.
Perhaps you'd like to become a prince, or a king?
GOTTLIEB.
That, better than anything.
HINZE.
And do you also feel the strength within you to make a nation happy?
GOTTLIEB.
Why not? If only I am once happy myself.
HINZE.
Well, then content yourself. I swear to you, you shall mount the throne.
[_Exit._]
GOTTLIEB.
It would have to come about mysteriously--still, of course, so many unexpected things happen in the world.
[_Exit._]
BÖTTICH.
Do notice the infinite refinement with which the cat always holds his cane.
FISCHER.
You've been a bore to us for the longest while; you are even more tiresome than the play.
SCHLOSS.
You even add to the confusion in our heads.
MÜLLER.
You talk constantly and do not know what you want.
MANY VOICES.
Out! Out! He's a nuisance! (_A crowd;_ BÖTTICHER _finds himself compelled to leave the theatre._)
FISCHER.
He with his talk about refinement!
SCHLOSS.
He always vexes me when he considers himself a connoisseur.
_An open field_
HINZE (_with knapsack and bag_).
I have become quite accustomed to hunting. Every day I catch partridges, rabbits and the like, and the dear little animals are getting more and more practice in being caught. (_He spreads out his bag._) Now the season of the nightingales is over, I do not hear a single one singing.
[_Enter the two lovers._]
HE.
Go, you bore me.
SHE.
I am disgusted with you.
HE.
A fine kind of love!
SHE.
Wretched hypocrite, how you have deceived me!
HE.
What has become of your infinite tenderness?
SHE.
And your faithfulness?
HE.
Your rapture?
SHE.
Your infatuation?
BOTH.
The devil has taken it! That comes of marrying.
HINZE.
The hunt has never yet been so disturbed--if you would be pleased to notice that this open field is clearly too confined for your sorrows, and climb up some mountain.
HE.
Insolent wretch! (_Boxes_ HINZE _on the ear._)
SHE.
Boor! (_Also boxes_ HINZE _on the ear._)
HINZE (_purrs_).
SHE.
It seems best to me that we be parted again.
HE.
I am at your bidding.
[_Exit the lovers._]
HINZE.
Nice people, these so-called human beings. Just look, two partridges; I will carry them off quickly. Now, fortune, make haste, for I myself am almost getting impatient. Now I have no longer any desire to eat the partridges. It's probably thus, that, by mere habit, we can implant in our nature every possible virtue.
[_Exit._]
_Hall in the Palace_
_The_ KING _on his throne with the_ PRINCESS; LEANDER _in a lecturer's chair; opposite him_ JACKPUDDING _in another lecturer's chair; in the centre of the hall a costly hat, decorated with gold and precious stones, is fastened on a high pole. The entire court is present._
KING.
Never yet has a person rendered such services to his country as this amiable Count of Carabas. Our historian has already almost filled a thick volume, so often has the Count presented me with pretty and delicious gifts, sometimes even twice a day, through his hunter. My appreciation of his kindness is boundless and I desire nothing more earnestly than to find at some time the opportunity of discharging to some extent the great debt I owe him.
PRINCESS.
Dearest father, would your majesty not most graciously permit the learned disputation to begin? My heart yearns for this mental activity.
KING.
Yes, it may begin now. Court scholar--court fool--you both know that to the one who gains the victory in this disputation is allotted that costly hat; for this very reason have I had it set up here, so that you may have it always before your eyes and never be in want of quick wit.
[LEANDER _and_ JACKPUDDING _bow_.]
LEANDER.
The theme of my assertion is, that a recently published play by the name of _Puss in Boots_ is a good play.
JACKPUD.
That is just what I deny.
LEANDER.
Prove that it is bad.
JACKPUD.
Prove that it is good.
LEUTNER.
What's this again? Why that's the very play they are giving here, if I am not mistaken.
MÜLLER.
No other.
SCHLOSS.
Do tell me whether I am awake and have my eyes open.
LEANDER.
The play, if not perfectly excellent, is still to be praised in several respects.
JACKPUD.
Not one respect.
LEANDER.
I assert that it displays wit.
JACKPUD.
I assert that it displays none.
LEANDER.
You are a fool; how can you pretend to judge concerning wit?
JACKPUD.
And you are a scholar; what can you pretend to understand about wit?
LEANDER.
Several characters are well-sustained.
JACKPUD.
Not a single one.
LEANDER.
Then, even if I concede else, the audience is well drawn in it.
JACKPUD.
An audience never has a character.
LEANDER.
I am almost amazed at this boldness.
JACKPUD (_to the pit_).
Isn't he a foolish fellow? Here we are, hand and glove with each other and sympathize in our views on taste, and he wishes to assert in opposition to my opinion, that at least the audience in _Puss in Boots_ is well drawn.
FISCHER.
The audience? Why no audience appears in the play.
JACKPUD.
That's even better! So, then, no audience is presented in it at all?
MÜLLER.
Why not a bit of it, unless he means the several kinds of fools that appear.
JACKPUD.
Now, do you see, scholar! What these gentlemen down there are saying must certainly be true.
LEANDER.
I am getting confused, but still I won't yield the victory to you.
[_Enter_ HINZE.]
JACKPUD.
Sir Hunter, a word! (HINZE _approaches, they whisper._)
HINZE. If it's nothing more than that. (_He takes off his boots, climbs up the pole, then takes the hat, jumps down, then puts his boots on again._)
JACKPUD.
Victory! Victory!
KING.
The deuce! How clever the hunter is!
LEANDER.
I only regret that I have been vanquished by a fool, that learning must acknowledge foolishness as its superior.
KING.
Keep still; you wanted the hat, he wanted the hat; so again I see no difference. But what have you brought, hunter?
HINZE.
The Count of Carabas commends himself most respectfully to your majesty and sends you these two partridges.
KING.
Too much! too much! I am sinking under the burden of gratitude! Long since should I have done my duty and visited him; today I will delay no longer. Have my royal carriage prepared at once--eight horses in front--I want to go driving with my daughter. You, Hunter, are to show us the way to the castle of the count.
[_Exit with retinue._]
HINZE. JACKPUDDING
HINZE.
What was your disputation about, anyhow?
JACKPUD.
I asserted that a certain play, which, moreover, I am not acquainted with at all, _Puss in Boots_, is a wretched play.
HINZE.
So?
JACKPUD.
Adieu, Sir Hunter.
[_Exit._]
HINZE (_alone_).
I'm all in the dumps. I, myself, helped the fool win a victory against a play in which I myself am taking the leading part. Fate! Fate! Into what complications do you so often lead us mortals? But be that as it may. If I only succeed in putting my beloved Gottlieb on the throne, I will gladly forget all my other troubles. The king wishes to visit the count? Now that is another bad situation which I must clear up; now the great, important day has arrived on which I need you so particularly, you boots. Now do not desert me; all must be determined today.
[_Exit._]
FISCHER.
Do tell me what this is--the play itself--it appears again as a play in the play.
SCHLOSS.
Without much ceremony, I am crazy--didn't I say at once, that is the enjoyment of art which you are said to have here?
LEUTNER.
No tragedy has ever affected me as this farce has.
_In front of the tavern_
THE HOST (_reaping corn with a scythe_).
This is hard work! Well, of course people cannot be deserting every day either. I only wish the harvest were over. After all, life consists of nothing but work; now draw beer, then clean glasses, then pour it out--now even reap. Life means work--and here some learned folk are even so wicked, in their books, as to try to put sleep out of fashion, because one does not live enough for one's time. But I am a great friend of sleep.
[_Enter_ HINZE.]
HINZE.
Whoever wants to hear something wonderful, listen to me now! How I have been running!--first from the royal palace to Gottlieb, second with Gottlieb to the palace of the Bugbear where I left him, third from there back again to the king, fourth I am now racing ahead of the king's coach like a courier and showing him the way. Hey! good friend!
HOST.
Who's that? Countryman, you must probably be a stranger, for the people in this neighborhood know that I do not sell any beer about this time; I need it for myself; when one does work like mine, one must also fortify one's self. I am sorry, but I cannot help you.
HINZE.
I do not want any beer, I never drink beer; I only want to say a few words to you.
HOST.
You must certainly be a regular idler, to attempt to disturb industrious people in their occupation.
HINZE.
I do not wish to disturb you. Just listen: the neighboring king will drive by here, he will probably step out of his carriage and inquire to whom these villages belong. If your life is dear to you, if you do not wish to be hanged or burned, then be sure to answer: to the Count of Carabas.
HOST.
But, Sir, we are subject to the law.
HINZE.
I know that well enough, but, as I said, if you do not wish to die, this region here belongs to the Count of Carabas.
[_Exit._]
HOST.
Many thanks! Now this would be the finest kind of opportunity for me to get out of ever having to work again. All I need do is to say to the king--the country belongs to the Bugbear. But no, idleness breeds vice: _Ora et labora_ is my motto.
[_A fine carriage with eight horses, many servants behind; it stops; the_ KING _and_ PRINCESS _step out._]
PRINCESS.
I am somewhat curious to see the Count.
KING.
So am I, my daughter. Good day, my friend. To whom do these villages here belong?
HOST (_aside_).
He asks as though he were ready to have me hanged at once.--To the Count of Carabas, your majesty.
KING.
A beautiful country. But I always thought the country must look altogether different if I should cross the border, judging from the maps. Do help me a bit. (_He climbs up a tree quickly._)
PRINCESS.
What are you doing, my royal father?
KING.
I like open views on beautiful landscapes.
PRINCESS.
Can you see far?
KING.
Oh, yes, and if it were not for those annoying mountains, you would see even further. Oh, my, the tree is full of caterpillars! (_He climbs down again._)
PRINCESS.
That is because it is a scene in nature which has not yet been idealized; imagination must first ennoble it.
KING.
I wish you could take the caterpillars off me by means of imagination. But get in, we must drive ahead.
PRINCESS.
Farewell, good, innocent peasant. (_They get into the carriage; it drives on._)
HOST.
How the world has changed! If you read in old books or listen to old people's stories, they always got louis d'ors or something like that if they spoke to a king or a prince. Such a king would formerly never dare to open his mouth if he did not press gold pieces into your hand at once. But now! How, pray, is one to make one's fortune unexpectedly, if the chance is over even with kings? Innocent peasant! I wish to God I didn't owe anything--that comes of the new sentimental descriptions of country life. Such a king is powerful and envies people of our station. I must only thank God that he did not hang me. The strange hunter was our Bugbear himself after all. At least it will now appear in the paper, I suppose, that the king has spoken to me graciously. [_Exit._]
_Another region_
KUNZ (_reaping corn_).
Bitter work! And if at least I were doing it for myself--but this compulsory villainage! Here one must do nothing but sweat for the Bugbear and he does not even thank one. Of course they always say in this world that laws are necessary to keep the people in order, but what need there is here of _our Law_ who devours all of us, I cannot understand.
[HINZE _comes running_.]
HINZE.
Now I have blisters-on my soles already--well, it doesn't matter, Gottlieb, Gottlieb must get the throne for it. Hey, good friend!
KUNZ.
Who's _this_ fellow?
HINZE.
The king will drive by here directly. If he asks you to whom all this belongs, you must answer--to the Count of Carabas; otherwise you will be chopped into a thousand million pieces. For the welfare of the public, the law desires it thus.
FISCHER.
For the welfare of the public?
SCHLOSS.
Naturally, for otherwise the play would never end.
HINZE.
Your life is probably dear to you.
[_Exit._]
KUNZ.
That's just how the edicts always sound. Well, I don't mind saying that, if only no new taxes result from it. One must trust no innovation.
[_The coach drives up and stops; the_ KING _and the_ PRINCESS _step out._]
KING.
A fine landscape, too. We have already seen a great deal of very fine country. To whom does this land belong?
KUNZ.
To the Count of Carabas.
KING.
He has splendid estates, that must be true--and so near mine; daughter, that seems to be a good match for you. What is your opinion?
PRINCESS.
You embarrass me, my father. What new things one sees while traveling, though. Do tell me, pray, good peasant, why do you cut down the straw like that?
KUNZ (_laughing_).
Why, this is the harvest, Mam'selle Queen--the corn.
KING.
Corn? What do you use that for, pray?
KUNZ (_laughing_).
Bread is baked from that.
KING.
Pray, daughter, for heaven's sake, bread is baked of it! Who would ever think of such tricks! Nature is something marvelous, after all. Here, good friend, get a drink, it is warm today. (_He steps in again with the_ PRINCESS; _the carriage drives away._)
KUNZ.
If he wasn't a king, you'd almost think he was stupid. Doesn't know what corn is! Well, you learn new things every day, of course. Here he has given me a shining piece of gold and I'll fetch myself a can of good beer at once. [_Exit._]
_Another part of the country, beside a river_
GOTTLIEB.
Now here I've been standing two hours already, waiting for my friend, Hinze. And he's not coming yet. There he is! But how he's running--he seems all out of breath.
[HINZE _comes running._]
HINZE.
Well, friend Gottlieb, take off your clothes quickly?
GOTTLIEB.
My clothes?
HINZE.
And then jump into the water here--
GOTTLIEB.
Into the water?
HINZE.
And then I will throw the clothing into the bush--
GOTTLIEB.
Into the bush?
HINZE.
And then you are provided for!
GOTTLIEB.
I agree with you; if I am drowned and my clothes gone, I am well enough provided for.
HINZE.
There is no time for joking--
GOTTLIEB.
I am not joking at all. Is that what I had to wait here for?
HINZE.
Undress!
GOTTLIEB.
Well, I'll do anything to please you.
HINZE.
Come, you are only to take a little bath. (_Exit with_ GOTTLIEB. _Then he comes back with the clothing which he throws into a bush._) Help! Help! Help!
[_The carriage. The_ KING _looks out of the coach door._]
KING.
What is it, Hunter? Why do you shout so?
HINZE.
Help, your majesty, the Count of Carabas is drowned!
KING.
Drowned!
PRINCESS (_in the carriage_).
Carabas!
KING.
My daughter in a faint! The Count drowned!
HINZE.
Perhaps he can still be saved; he is lying there in the water.
KING.
Servants! Try everything, anything to preserve the noble man.
SERVANT.
We have rescued him, your majesty.
HINZE.
Misfortune upon misfortune, my king! The Count was bathing here in the clear water and a rogue stole his clothing.
KING.
Unstrap my trunk at once--give him some of my clothes. Cheer up, daughter, the Count is rescued.
HINZE.
I must hurry.
[_Exit._]
GOTTLIEB (_in the king's clothing_).
Your majesty--
KING.
Here is the Count! I recognize him by my clothing! Step in, my best friend--how are you? Where do you get all the rabbits? I cannot compose myself for joy! Drive on, coachman!
[_The carriage drives off quickly._]
SERVANT.
None but the hangman could come up so quickly--now I have the pleasure of running behind on foot, and besides I'm just as wet as a cat.
LEUTNER.
How many more times, pray, will the carriage appear?
WIESENER.
Neighbor! Why, you are asleep!
NEIGHBOR.
Not at all--a fine play.
_Palace of the Bugbear_
_The_ BUGBEAR _appears as a rhinoceros; a poor peasant stands before him._
PEASANT.
May it please your honor--
BUGBEAR.
There must be justice, my friend.
PEASANT.
I cannot pay just now.
BUGBEAR.
Be still, you have lost the case; the law demands money and your punishment; consequently your land must be sold. There is nothing else to be done and this is for the sake of justice.
[_Exit peasant._]
BUGBEAR (_who is re-transformed into an ordinary bugbear_).
These people would lose all respect if they were not compelled to fear in this way.
[_An officer enters, bowing profusely._]
OFFICER.
May it please you, honored sir--I--
BUGBEAR.
What's your trouble, my friend?
OFFICER.
With your kindest permission, I tremble and quiver in your honor's formidable presence.
BUGBEAR.
Oh, this is far from my most terrible form.
OFFICER.
I really came--in matters--to beg you to take my part against my neighbor. I had also brought this purse with me--but the presence of Lord Law is too frightful for me.
BUGBEAR (_suddenly changes into a mouse and sits in a corner_).
OFFICER.
Why, where has the Bugbear gone?
BUGBEAR (_in a delicate voice_).
Just put the money down there on the table; I will sit here to avoid frightening you.
OFFICER.
Here. (_He lays the money down_.) Oh, this justice is a splendid thing--how can one be afraid of such a mouse!
[_Exit_.]
BUGBEAR (_assumes his natural form_).
A pretty good purse--of course one must sympathize with human weakness.
[_Enter_ HINZE.]
HINZE.
With your permission--(_aside_) Hinze, you must pluck up courage--(_aloud_) Your Excellency!
BUGBEAR.