Part 3

Although Mike could neither read nor write; although he made his living by odd carting and by delivering clothes (which Mrs. Mike had washed) to the owners, and although he was not known to be entitled to any other name than “Mike”; he was proud and ambitious. He had no ancestors to be proud of that he knew of, so he was proud of himself, and his ambition was for his son, Michael, and he declared that “an eddication he should have, so he should.” So Michael, the son of Mike, was instructed in the mysteries of “readin’, ’ritin’ and figgerin’,” which were the length, breadth and depth of “eddication” to the idea of Mike.

Michael fulfilled the ambitions of his father.

Whether Michael profited more by the practical instruction he gathered from his father relative to horses, truck driving and general carting, or by his “eddication” it is unnecessary to conclude. Suffice it to relate, that by some means or other, and by attaining a high proficiency as a liar, he made a large fortune as a horse dealer, trader, stealer and manipulator.

Michael had an eye like a hawk. That is to say, he was a keen observer of things, which is perhaps superfluous information considering that he made a fortune; but his perceptive faculties were keen in other directions than those necessary to get other people’s money and keep it; consequently he observed that in society, whereunto he had sunk by the weight of his wealth, he was at a disadvantage on account of his ignorance. The “ould man” Mike, looked up to Michael as a marvel of erudition; but Michael, although he did not know even what erudition was, knew that education was not his. He knew he was ignorant, but he held up his head and kept his mouth shut, which is one kind of wisdom, and he made a very fair show even if he was forced to be silent when people talked of things other than horses and dollars.

Privately Michael was of the opinion that Shakespeare was “outrageous,” that there was no music without a “chune” to it; that the craze for old china was “a regular fake,” that Japanese bric-a-brac were the worst he ever saw, and that most pictures that society raved about, and the “old masters” in particular, “bate the Dutch,” but he never said a word. He never bluffed, so he never was called.

Alexander transpires at this point. Unto Mr. and Mrs. Michael was born one son, and they called him Alexander, no doubt hoping that he would be great. Alexander was carefully brought up among all the luxuries that dollars can purchase; of course the aforesaid luxuries had a newness about them which might be painful to the highly cultured; this was to be expected. Dollars, although they can purchase everything that goes to make luxury, cannot supply taste.

Michael worshipped education as his father before him had done, and he decided that “Alexander should have an education that would ‘knock’ the tar out of any education that ever was bought for money.” Michael was ignorant of the fact that education is still a very uncertain quantity, and that even experts do not agree on what is necessary to constitute it.

Alexander inherited his father’s intelligence and soaked up his education very readily. The details of his education are unessential to this tale. It is enough to state that he got it, as it is generally thought a gentleman should, through school, college and travel, and at twenty-two he was, as his father expressed it, “educated up to the handle.”

Alexander’s education bore fruit. The kind of fruit an education will bear depends much upon what kind of an education is planted and the ground it falls on. Michael expected that Alexander’s education would bear fruit. What fruit he wished for or expected it is impossible to surmise, for he never expressed his wishes or hopes; not being a judge of educational fruit his ideas on the subject were probably rather vague. Alexander shone in society for a year or two, much to his father’s delight, but at the end of that time his shining was no longer a novelty and was very expensive for Michael.

Michael decided to take his son into the horse business, which was still flourishing like a palm tree, or a Cedar of Lebanon; he also decided that he should marry.

A very nice family which had very small means had a very nice daughter for sale; Michael bought her for his son. So these were wed. Big show wedding and honeymoon trip very expensive for Michael.

When Alexander returned from his wedding trip he balked on the horse business. “His wife was of such a nice family you know,” and besides, “it is such a damnably plebian business, don’t you know.” Michael interviewed Alexander in his library, in which were displayed a large number of beautiful books, bran new, and the result of the interview was that an occupation was agreed upon for Alexander. He became a stock broker. Seat on Stock Exchange and swell office, very expensive for Michael.

Alexander among stock gamblers and jobbers was like a lamb within the shambles. The motto of stock speculators is not “Love your neighbor as yourself,” but is “Strike lest ye be struck.” Alexander was struck many times and hard. He learned the business, but unfortunately for him, just about the time that he was beginning to consider that he knew the business he was cornered and crushed. He failed for an amount which was worth mentioning, which, of course, was very expensive for Michael. After the failure Alexander consented to knuckle down to the horse business, and about this time Michael began to give notes where formerly he had given checks. Alexander was of the opinion that he was now an experienced business man, but he wasn’t, and he proved no addition to the horse business. Soon Michael began to ask for renewal on notes and things began to be said about him; no man has credit so good that he can afford to have things said about him. So Michael called a meeting of his creditors, and the estate was so bad that fine house, furniture, horses and carriages and everything that went to make the luxurious home were swept away. Everyone blamed Alexander for the ruin of his father, that is, everyone but Michael himself. Michael’s views were expressed neatly and characteristically in a speech to his creditors thusly:

“Gentlemen, me son can tell ye all why ‘telegram’ is no proper word to use because its against the rules and regulations of strict etymology; he can tell ye all a lot of other things that ye don’t know, ner me neither, but he does not understand money. I made a mistake in the education of me son, I neglected that branch of education which deals with the science of making and saving money and keepin’ it when ye get it. Me son is a fine spender, he was educated that way; I think I can offer ye twelve cents on the dollar.”

Michael is now slowly rising from his ashes as those who fit their environment must. Alexander is sinking in the outer darkness of the unfit.

As ye sow so also shall others reap.

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By giving away your opinions you may discover their value.

* * * * *

He that enjoyeth many things hath many ways of happiness; he that enjoyeth but one thing may have no way.

PEACE

Once upon a time, a long while ago, when such things could be, came a young man of thirty-five years of age unto his friend, who was a politician--Big Indian, and “High Up”--and the young man spoke unto the Politician, saying: “Friend, for twenty years have I striven and strove; I have cut hay; I have hewed wood; I have laboured in the vineyard; I’ve made things with my hands, and schemed with my head; I have gone up against many games and fought for the wherewithal to keep a family and clothes upon my back. Now I am tired and would pass my remaining days in peace. Therefore, I pray thee order it so that I may have a Government Job and be happy.”

And the Politician questioned the young man and asked: “_Peace_? Did’st say that thou wouldst have Peace?”

And the young man answered and said, “I wouldst.”

And the Politician said: “You know not what you ask. Peace never accomplished anything, and is not for the active-minded. You do not understand life if you desire Peace.”

But the young man harkened not to the Politician, but pressed his request for a Government Job.

And it was so, even within a few months, the young man found himself a Civil Servant with regular employment and a small, but regular, income.

And years rolled on, as usual, until the young man became nearly elderly; yea, for twelve years he plugged and said unto himself: “Truly this is not exciting or elevating, but it is the sure thing that my heart craved, and I should be satisfied and happy.” But the wise know that the “Should Bes” and the “Ises” do not balance; and the young man woke up to the fact that at forty-seven years of age he was neither satisfied nor happy, although he was willing to admit that he should be.

And it came to pass that as the young man sat in his office, working for the King, by punching holes in documents, that they might be strung on a file; on the twelfth anniversary of his conversation with his friend, the Politician, a great light broke upon him, and he saw the wisdom of the talk of the Politician. He looked about his office, and peered backward over the past twelve years, and he saw that he had had Peace in large bunches, and by the mile--yea, by the year and day--and he found that it was not in his heart to feel glad with his peaceful experience, and he reasoned with himself and said: “In a short fifteen years I will be in the Has Been class. I will have whiskers in my ears and my back will be humped and moss-grown. I’ll be a back number, and be as a dead one; therefore, it behooveth me to get busy and do something worth while lest I get mental dry rot and be as a beast of the field. Peace I desired, and now that I have found it, it satisfieth me not, but is a burden and ashes in the mouth.” And thereupon he arose and got out and went against the world amidst those who were in the great struggle. And the world smote him and threw him down and swat him, hip and thigh, right and left; but he became patient and wary, and he husbanded his strength and sparred for an opening and kept cool; and, behold, in a little while came an opportunity unto him, and he up and grasped it and made it his, and he played the game so that others were ’ware of him, and the world bowed down to him, even to his feet, and when it came to pass that he was gathered to his fathers, all his children called his name blessed. See?

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HER HAT

Oh, Kitty, she was sweet, the sweetest thing on feet, If I could woo and win her my life would be complete: I love her, oh, so dearly, but can never tell her that, For I know I’d never suit a girl who’d wear such an awful hat.

When I look into her eyes I feel that she’s a prize, But when she puts her hat on, and I gaze upon the size-- Although I love her dearly, it is forced upon me that I’d never suit a girl who would wear such a hat.

To chat with her’s a treat; her figure’s trim and neat; She is the idol of my heart, I could worship at her feet; But, oh, her hat’s a nightmare, I can’t get away from that. Real brain, I’m sure, cannot exist, ’neath such a crazy hat.

And so I curse my lot and wish that I was not So soft about the heart, and that Kitty had no blot; But what’s the use of fighting fate, my reason tells me that The real soul of a woman’s indicated by her hat.

THE MIKADO’S SONG

BROUGHT DOWN TO 1909

Mikado sings as formerly:

“My object all sublime, “I shall achieve in time, “To make the punishment fit the crime, “The punishment fit the crime, “And make each prisoner pent unwillingly represent, “A source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment.”

All ranting hypocritical saints, And Lord’s Day Alliance mugs, Baseball shall play the whole lord’s day To an audience of thugs.

The Suffragette who wants to vote Whether we will or not, Will be spanked by a preacher in order to teach her, Her proper place and lot.

The Temperance crank whom any one catches, His fate’s extremely rough, He’s put up to his chin in a barrel of gin, Till he drinks up all the stuff.

All Grafters with the itching palm, And paw out for a bribe, Will get down on their shins and confess all their sins, To a Holy Methodist tribe.

The Banker who takes public money, And gambles it in stocks, Shall wear a hair shirt in squalor and dirt, And walk with peas in his socks.

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Beware of ruts, they are easy to get into but difficult to get out of. All habits are ruts, a good one is only a little better than a bad one, therefore do not become a creature of habit.

THE PETTICOAT

My son, beware of the soft voice of the petticoat.

The petticoat is full of guile and maketh even the strong go astray, while the weak she considereth as her’s always.

It smileth and smileth when it weepeth not, and in both tears and smiles it bodeth no good to man.

It leadeth thee along the stoney path and jeereth at thee if thou remark thy bleeding feet.

It looketh toward darkness and declareth that there is the light of Hope and seeth darkness where there is only light.

It believeth in signs and omens and would hand thee bound hand and foot into the hands of the Church.

It beguileth thee into discounting the future and revileth thee when its counsels have brought thee to harm.

It inviteth thee to Vanity and the ways of the boastful; it falleth down and worshipeth at the shrine of the Golden Calf, and constraineth thee to do likewise.

It selleth what should be given and giveth what should be sold.

It beareth thee children as is its nature to do, and then boasteth thereof; it refuseth to bear and boasteth of that also.

It beareth thy successes with smiling equanimity, and tearfully upbraideth thee with thy failures.

It is short of sight and dull of apprehension and of logic and consistency knoweth naught.

It playeth merry hell with thy nerves, and beareth thee away in triumph lest thou are exceeding careful.

It liveth in the present only and is a sluggard.

It maketh of thee a LIAR in self-defence.

It is of a jealous and suspicious mind and crieth aloud “Wolf, Wolf,” when there is no wolf, and seeth nothing of the danger that is imminent.

It gaineth nothing from experience, but persisteth in the ways of folly.

It knoweth nothing of justice and bendeth the easy knee to conventionality.

It is short in the heels and its equilibrium is unstable, and when it falleth it declareth loudly that it was pushed.

It declareth evil of its own kind and giveth the glad hand and merry face to the deceiver.

It rejoiceth much in scandal and maketh thy secrets public.

It knoweth things that are not so and denieth stoutly against facts.

It fawneth upon the strong arm and enslaveth the meek.

The henpecked is a laughing stock to his fellows, and the Petticoat rejoiceth thereat.

Look not upon the Petticoat when the wind bloweth; and when it rustleth seductively, harken not.

It putteth on clothes in manner and shape which is a reproach to common sense.

Better that thou put a mill stone about thy neck and straightway leap into deep water than put thyself under the dominion of the Petticoat, for it ruleth with a rod of iron and without discretion; it putteth a yoke upon thy shoulders which galleth forever.

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THE LOVE OF GOD

He who can solemnly declare he feels the love of God, Speaks in poetic sense, or else is freak or fraud; For every lover who has loved, knows love must see and feel, And only stirs man’s mind for the material and real. He cannot love who would, or cease to love at will. To some it goes to make a life, another it will kill. ’Twere folly to declare love for the great Unknown Who sits unscrutable upon a great white throne. Can’st add a known quantity to a sign, the sign being undefined, And get results to understand for a mere human mind? Go to, God-lovers, wake from dreams; talk reason, if you can, And if you have great store of love, go love your fellow-man. Man must have love to live, and dies for want of it in jail and haunt; While priest and parson preach and pray with vain display and vaunt.

OLE MAN GOV.

Ole man Gov.-- Didn’t have no love Fer any of his help, How they lived or died, When they laffed or cried, Was naught to the ole whelp.

He sez, sez he, “It’s nuthin ter me, What gait the critters ride, If they makes ther day, They gets ther pay, That’s me, an’ durn ther hide.”

An ye kin bet The hands doan’t fret About ole man Gov. or hissen; They does ther day And pouches ther pay An lets all else go fizzin.

Ye doan’t ketch they, A-gettin gay, Seein ole man ain’t done; Not much, Siree, They lets things be, An hates that son of a gun.

So when he, The ole screw-gee, Raises pay up ten per cent., They doan’t believe, But up his sleeve, There’s a rod to some extent.

An tan my skin, If it weren’t within A few weeks, less or more, When that ole Sardine, Lets it be seen, Wot’s wot, and we _wuz_ sore.

Wot does he do? This Reuben Glue, He stretches the day out some, By an hour and a half, An’ gives us the laugh-- We’re so mad, that we sets dumb.

It’s a dum long worm, That doesn’t squirm, When ye foots it on his tail, An I lays bets, That some day we gets, So square, it makes ole man pale.

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THE PARABLE OF THE KING

Once upon a time the King of Spades got it into his head that he was the Whole Thing and by his vanity made himself very objectionable to the rest of the Pack. He became thoroughly confirmed in his high opinion of himself, when one evening he, with a couple of other Kings and a pair of deuces, beat a Queen Full on Aces.

His boasting became so tiresome that everyone gave him a wide berth and he frequently found himself in the Discard. This did not cure him, however, and he continued to be boastful, bragging of the great hands he had been in and the Queens he had captured until all the cards up to the nines left the Pack, leaving him in a Euchre Deck where he was nightly captured by Knaves.

Finally, he got so low, dirty, greasy and disreputable, that he represented the dark man in the pack the cook used to tell fortunes with.

Bragging is such an objectionable form of vanity that even a King cannot afford to indulge in it.

THE REVOLT OF JOHNS

One morning Johns went down to his office, opened his diary at the proper date, and wrote therein as follows:

“This day I have decided things.”

No one reading this could possibly understand to what it referred, or what bearing it had on Johns, or his surroundings. Even if Mrs. Johns, who considered herself a very shrewd and far-seeing woman, had seen it, it would have meant nothing, unless she could have read Johns’ mind, which she did sometimes--at least she claimed she did.

Johns, after writing the above as stated, looked it over thoughtfully, and smiling a sad smile, murmured to himself, “I wonder if I can do it without too much friction.”

The facts in Johns’ life which led up to his making the mysterious entry in his diary were his marriage, and all the happenings of three years of married life with the well meaning, rather charming, but somewhat obstreperous Mrs. Johns.

Fact is, Johns had begun to realize that he was henpecked, and had decided to reform. For three years he had systematically spoiled Mrs. Johns to such an extent that she was unhappy. She wept because she had, like Alexander, no more worlds to conquer. She had developed into a very talkative autocrat, or tyrant, or something very much like that. She invaded every department of Johns’ life, regulated his smoking, drinking, eating, sleeping, clothing, and even his speech. Johns habitually dropped his “G’s” and Mrs. Johns habitually picked them up for him. Before going out to spend an evening Mrs. Johns gave Johns very explicit instructions relative to what he was to say to this one, that one and the other one, and exact details of what he was not to say; then on the return home Mrs. Johns would carefully point out the many lapses she considered Johns had made and warned him against like breaks.

Johns was pitied and despised by his former associates, and people smiled when Mrs. Johns said, “Jack, dear,” and Johns said, “Yes, my dear.” He was down and out; at least, it looked like it until he wrote: “This day I have decided things,” in his diary.

It would be wrong to conclude from the foregoing that Johns was a meek, pusilanimous, undersized, gentle and delicate man, without will or energy. Such was not the case. Meekness was not in him. He weighed 13 stone 3, stood 6 feet “in his stockings,” wore a 7 hat, a 9 shoe, and showed decision and pluck in business. But he loved peace to such an extent that he would sacrifice nearly anything to procure it, and so he had come to make the mistake of spoiling Mrs. Johns by deferring to her in absolutely everything, in the fond belief that thereby he was making home peaceful. After a three years’ experiment in this direction he became wise to the fact that peace was not his.

Johns, among men, had always been called a “good fellow,” and he was a good fellow; but not so good that he was an ass like some so-called good fellows. He was easy going and good natured; but not the type of the henpecked husband. He was a bad man to corner.