Part 3

_Sassy._— You haven’t time!—here—with these feminine aids, We’ll dress you up, and turn you into maids.

(_Maids all take off cloaks and bonnets and dress up_ SUITORS _to look like girls._)

Quick!—all sit down and very quiet keep, They’re coming—we must all be fast asleep.

(_All sit and feign to sleep. Enter_ CHEMISTS, PROF., KING, _and_ CARA., CHEMISTS _singing._)

No. 6.

(_Music._)

| _Chemists_ (_singing_).—“When you are ill, etc.”

(_All enter and take positions_—KING _turns and sees_ SUITORS _and_ MAIDS.)

_King._— Hullo!—a boarding school!!—asleep, I vow! Hi—wake up!—it’s no time to slumber now!

(_Pokes_ SASSY.—_all wake up._)

_Cara._ (_seeing Dummy_).—Good gracious me!! Oh my!—is that my beau; That lovely creature—can I touch him?

_Prof._ (_starting in alarm_).— No! Not yet!—you’d rub the paint off—wait awhile, And see us do the business up in style.

(PROF. _turns to_ CHEMISTS—_loud._)

Prepare the ice cream freezer. Hi! you flats! Go, get the thunder ready—bring the cats! Drag out that box of bloody paving stones! Strike up the lightning—rattle out the groans!

(CHEMISTS _all run about and bring properties. Thunder and noises—gas down and low music._)

Now don’t be frightened, Princess. Now to biz. Ahem! are all things ready?

_Chemists_ (_very low_).— Aye! they is.

(PROF. _ties rope from ice cream freezer to leg of Dummy—low rumbling and noises—fire and low music._)

No. 7.

| _Music._ (PROF. _sings._) | | _Prof._— Silence!! (_Crash._) Silence! (_Crash._) | Don’t let a sound be heard. (_All groan._) | Silence! (_Crash._) Silence! (_Crash._) | Don’t even breathe a word. (_All groan._) | Silence! Silence! Silence! Silence! | | (_Aside to_ CHEMISTS.) | | Give us a little less thunder, and don’t | Rattle that box of paving stones quite so hard. | | (_Rumbling and fire._) | | _All._— Oh! how my heart thrills, | With shivers and chills, | That run down my back, | In a serpentine track. | Oh! how my heart thrills | With shivers and chills, | That run down my back, | In a serpentine track. | | _Prof._— Tremble! | | _All._— Horror! Awful magic! | Such horrible, tragical, | Wonderful, magical | Works of Satanical | Mischief and craft. | Such horrible, tragical, | Wonderful, magical | Works of Satanical | Mischief and craft. | Such horrible, wonderful, | Tragical, magical craft.

No. 8.

| _Prof._— Demons of darkest night | Lend me thy aid. | | (_Puts red light on fire. Dummy is quickly changed for_ EBEN. _by | turning pivot._) | | Hobgoblins and witches, | I will be obeyed. | Blood! blood! snakes and vipers! | I will be obeyed. | Hobgoblins and witches, | Oh! lend us thy aid. | | _All._— Oh! abracadabra, | Enchantment and spell; | Oh! abracadabra, | Don’t turn out a sell. | | _Cara._— Noble spirits, I pray thee | To heed our despair, | Oh! shades, I implore thee | To listen to our prayer. | | _All._— Oh! abracadabra, | Enchantment and spell; | Oh! abracadabra, | Don’t turn out a sell. | Don’t turn out a sell, | Don’t turn out a sell. | | (EBEN. _moves, yawns, opens his eyes and looks about in a dazed way._) | | _Quartette._ (CARA., SASSY., KING _and_ PROF.) | | He winks! he moves! he trembles! | Our prayers have worked the spell! | He lives! and he resembles | Our fondest ideal; | He lives! and he resembles | Our fondest ideal. | | (EBEN. _rubs his eyes and looks about._ CARA. _goes down front._) | | _Cara._— What is this—in my heart, | In my soul—that I feel | This spirit of love? | Is it true, is it real, | This beating of my heart | To another heart’s beat? | Has my love come to life? | Is my lover complete? | And _thou_, candy, away!! | | (_Throws away box of candy._) | | Never more shalt thou move | My soul, for I live | By the spirit of love. | It _is_ true. It _is_ real. | ’Tis the spirit of love. | | _Quartette._— | He winks, he moves, he trembles, | Our prayers have worked the spell; | He lives, and he resembles | Our fondest ideal; | He lives and he resembles | Our fondest ideal. | | (_Interlude._) | | (PROF. _seizes ice cream freezer and grinds furiously._)

No. 9.

| _Prof._— Grind him up again. | | _Cara._— Grind him up again. | | _All._— Grind him up again, | Grindy—windy, windy, windy, windy, etc. | | (_All sing “windy, windy,” as acc. to solo by_ EBEN. EBEN. _steps down | from back, comes forward, takes up note and sings._) | | _Eben._— Good morning all, (_Bows._) | How do you do; | I believe it’s the thing | To bow to you; | I think it right | That I should state, | That I’m alive | And feel first rate; | | _Eben._— { I think it right, | _Cara._— { Oh blessed sight, | | _Eben._— { And fortunate, | _Cara._— { And fortunate, | | _Eben._— { That I’m alive, | _Cara._— { That you’re alive, | | _Eben._— { And feel first rate. | _Cara._— { And feel first rate. | | _All._— Oh blessed sight, | And fortunate, | That he’s alive, | And feels first rate.

(EBEN. _shows signs of disliking_ CHEMISTS, SUITORS, _and_ MAIDS, _and_ PROF. _sends them out._)

_Prof._— Go!—he don’t like you!

(_Exeunt_ CHEMISTS, SUITORS, _and_ MAIDS, L.)

(_Pointing to_ EBEN.) There! miss.

_Cara._— Mighty seer! Unequaled, famed, admired far and near, How can I sing your praises, how reward Your glorious—

_King_ (_interrupting_).— That’s enough! (_To_ PROF.) We can’t afford To recompense you as we wish we could, But we are pleased—your work is very good.

_Cara._— Ah! sir!—I thank you!—I can do no more.

(_Turns to_ EBEN., _who, through all has been examining himself and things about him._)

(_To_ EBEN.) And _you_—you thank him with me, too.

_Eben._— What for?

(EBEN. _says following in a low voice and uninterested manner._)

_Cara._— For having made you.

_Eben._— Well?

_Cara._— Oh, please be good, And thank him with me—Ah!—I wish you would.

_Eben._— Why should I thank him—just observe that leg— Is that a masterpiece—that wooden peg? Is that the kind of thing to drag about? It isn’t decent—there’s no sort of doubt; And then, those thumbs—he’s put ’em wrong side on— That left one should be like the other one. _They’re_ wrong—and then, he’s made me much too short; I ought to have been taller—yes!—I ought; And look at all that hair—that ugly nose; Would _you_ be satisfied with ears like those; Well _I’m_—_not_ satisfied.

_Cara._— Don’t be so sad! _I_ think you’re _lovely_.

_Eben._— Then I hope _you’re_ glad.

(_Goes up to table, sits on it and swings his legs._)

_Cara._— _I’m very_ glad—and think you should agree; Now thank the kind Professor, please, for _me_.

_Eben._— I won’t!

_Cara._— Please! Don’t you like him?

_Eben._— No!

_Cara._— Why not?

_Eben._— Why should I—he’s no better than the lot. They all are very ugly.

_King._— What’s he at? Do you include your Pa-in-law in that?

_Eben._— Are _you_ my Pa-in-law?

_King._— Your Pa-in-law!! And shall expect more deference.

_Eben._— Oh pshaw!

_King._— What’s this? (_Turning angrily._)

_Cara._— Oh! father, please leave him to me. He don’t know any better—can’t you see? Ah! charming lover!

_Eben._— Lover?

_Cara._— Yes; my beau. You are to love and marry me.

_Eben._— Oh! ho! Then _that’s_ the reason why I have been made— You might have asked me first.

_Cara._— Our plans were laid. But are you sorry?

_Eben._— Yes; of course I am.

_Cara._— And don’t you care to live?

_Eben._— Don’t care a d——

_All_ (_very loud_).— Ahem!!!

_King._— Young man! What! in our presence do you swear? Before King Nougat First?

_Eben._— Oh! I don’t care!

_King._— Good gracious!

_Cara._— Please, dear father, don’t you see You’re taking his attention off from me? My dearest, may I speak?

_Eben._— Oh! go ahead.

_Cara._— You are to love me dearly, and to wed Whenever I am ready. And—what’s more— I’m—ready now.

_Eben._— You said all that before.

_Cara._— Am I not pretty?

_Eben._— Rather.

_Cara._— Then your lot Is not so very hard.

_Eben._— I’d rather not.

_Cara._— Ah, me! though cruel, still to him I cling; Perhaps he will be kinder if I sing.

(_Turns, weeping._)

No. 10.

| (_Music._) | | _Cara._— Cans’t thou see me sadly crying? | Hoping still thy heart to move? | | _Eben._— I’d rather not! | | _Cara._— Cans’t thou still resist the sighing | Of a heart-imploring love? | | _Eben._— I’d rather not! | | _Cara._— Think what a beautiful wedding | We can have, if agreeable you are. | | _Eben._— I’d rather not! | | _Cara._— Expenses you needn’t be dreading, | For they will all be borne by pa. | Ah! | Flowers, and silk and satin for me; | Jewelry, wine, tobacco for thee. | A beautiful house, all shining and new, | With ebonized chairs and furniture for two. | | _Eben._— But notwithstanding that, I’d rather not! | | _Cara. & Eben._— | Ah! | | _Cara._— { Flowers, and silk and satin for me. | _Eben._— { Flowers, and silk and satin for thee,

| _Cara._— { Jewelry, wine, tobacco for thee. | _Eben._— { Jewelry, wine, tobacco for me. | | _Cara._— { A beautiful house, all shining and new, | _Eben._— { A beautiful house, all shining and new, | | _Cara._— { With ebonized chairs, and furniture for two. | _Eben._— { With ebonized chairs, and furniture for two. | | _Cara._— Oh! dearest, wilt thou be my beau? (_Holds last note._) | | _Eben._— I’m sorry, but it can’t be so. | | _Cara._— Oh! dearest, please to be my beau. (_Holds last note._) | | _Eben._— I’d rather not; I tell you no! | | _Cara._— { To be married so happily, say, wilt thou go? | _Eben._— { To be married so happily, I will not go! | | _Cara._— { He’d rather not. | _Eben._— { I’d rather not.

(CARA. _turns slowly, weeping._ EBEN. _still sits on table and swings his legs._)

_Cara._— What shall I do? (_Weeping._)

_King._— By all the Pins—of which I am the king— If you don’t love my daughter, I will wring Your neck, and have you taken by the ear And pounded into jelly. Do you hear? Yes; pounded! mashed up! Aye, reduced to slosh! As quick as you can wink your eye!

_Eben._— Oh, bosh!

_King._— What? Bosh! to me?

_Cara._— Oh! sir, one last appeal; Just one more chance to win him. He _must_ feel The weight of burning love. (_Kneels to_ EBEN.) My own! My life! A princess here implores to be your wife. Oh! love me just a little. Here I swear to worship you; to soften every care; To comfort you in sorrow—all I vow, If you will love me just a little now. You do not answer. Haven’t you a heart? Speak!—won’t you love me now?

_Eben._— I’d rather not.

_King._— It is enough!—the villain!

_Cara._ (_turning angrily to Prof._)— Nay! not so! There!—is the villain! there!—our secret foe!

(_Pointing to Prof._)

’Tis he!—I say!

_King._— What’s all this row about? You’ve left some necessary organ out!

(_Prof. falls on his knees._)

_Prof._— Oh, honored Nougat!—Mighty King!

_King._— Enough! Cease complimenting!—I am in a huff. (_Calling._) Hey! chemists!!

(_Enter_ CHEMISTS _and_ MAIDS L.—SUITORS _look through window._)

_Chemists._— Yes! your Highness!

_King._— What’s the row?

_Prof._— The vital organs all are in.

_Chemists._— We vow!

_King._— There’s something wrong!

_Cara._— His heart is what I miss.

_Prof._— He has a heart—I’m certain!

_Sassy._ (_taking down heart mixture_)— What is this?

_Prof._— The mixture of the heart!!—Oh, woe is me! But we can make him drink it!

_Sassy._ (_aside to_ MAIDS).— _Now_ we’ll see! We’re ducky darlings, are we!—Where’s his nurse? For drinking that I think he’ll turn out worse.

(_Prof. approaches_ EBEN. _with heart mixture._)

_Cara._— But will it hurt him?

_Prof._— No! it’s nice and sweet! It’s made of caramels, from your receipt. Here, gentle creature.

(_Offers mixture to_ EBEN.)

_Cara._— If he only would! Please drink the mixture, dearest!

_Eben._— Is it good?

_Cara._— Delicious! it will soften all your woes.

_Sassy._ (_sarcastically_).—Oh, yes! it’s very soothing!

_Eben._— Well, here goes!

No. 11.

| (EBEN. _takes mixture from Prof. and drinks, then sings._) | | _Eben._— I feel a sort of heavenly spirit! | I think there must be ginger in it. | | (_Drinks again._) | | I now begin to feel more frisky! | I think it must be Bourbon whiskey. | | (_Drinks all._) | | (_Interlude._ EBEN. _begins to skip about and dance._) |

No. 12.

| _Eben._— What a charming state is this, | Glowing with ecstatic bliss, | Pulse so full—so vigorous flows | From head to heels—’way down to toes. | I’ll up for action—strike for fame, | I’ll win renown, as sure’s my name— | I’ll win renown, as sure’s my name is— | As sure’s my name is—

(_Pause—comes down._)

(_Speaks._) Ah! horrid thought—I have _no_ name. Great Heavens!!

(_Turning to_ CARA. _and_ KING.)

What’s my name!!—do you hear me? What’s my name!!!

(_Low music through following_; EBEN. _walks furiously up and down_; KING _and_ PROF. _speak low, down_ L.; _while_ CARA. _stands deeply thinking_ R.)

_Cara._— Good gracious! (_Thinks._)

_Prof._— Murder!—here he has us flat. He has _no_ name—we didn’t think of that!

_King._— No name?—that’s so! We left it out—great guns!

(_Pause, thinking._)

Great guns! great guns! great guns! Professor, what’s the rhyme for _guns_?

_Prof._ (_hurriedly, breaking into prose_).—See! he’s getting very angry—it’s no time for rhyme now.—Speak in prose—quick, for gracious sakes! and think of something; get up some kind of a name, and tell him—if he gets mad it will ruin all!

_King._—That’s a fact! He _is_ getting very angry. I can’t think—_you_ think of something, Professor—he’s scowling at me!

_Prof._—I see the force of your argument, and also observe the satanic depression of the eye-brows you refer to; but, for the life of me, I can’t think of anything but Johnny.

_King._— Well, call him Johnny—quick!

_Prof._ (_turning to Eben_).—Ahem! your name is—

_Cara._ (_suddenly coming front_).—Oh! I have it! It is a name I always wanted my lover to have. How lucky it was that I remembered it. Oh! it’s perfectly lovely!

No. 13.

| _Cara._— Oh! goddess fair. Ah! heavenly maid; | Thou of Cyprian fame; | I thank thee for thy loving aid | In giving me this name— | This most delightful name. | No earthly radiance can compare, | In beauty, with this name so fair. | | _All._— No earthly radiance can compare. | | _Cara._— This name for which I long have sought, | Before which other names are naught; | Most beautiful and charming name— | Most exquisite and lovely name. | | _All._— A pleasant sound it has, no doubt. | So now, at once, let’s have it out, | That name—at once—let’s have it out, | Is— | | _Cara._— E-b-eb-e-n-ez-e-r, spells Ebenezer, | And R-i-l-e-y, spells Riley; | Ebenezer Riley is his name. | | _All._— E-b-eb-e-n-ez-e-r, spells Ebenezer, | And R-i-l-e-y spells Riley. | Ebenezer Riley is his name. | | _Cara._— Oh! beautiful! | | _Eben_ (_angrily_).— ’Tis damnable! | | _All._— Oh! beautiful! | | _Eben._— No; damnable! | | _All._— We think it beautiful! | | _Eben._— Damnable! damnable! | Damnable! damnable, etc. | | (_Ad lib., until it leads into_)

No. 14.

| _Eben._— Odious creatures! you’ve used me vilely, | To give me such a name as Ebenezer Riley. | Bah! | Bah! bah! bah! bah! | | (_Walking up and down furiously._) | | _All._— How he’s raving! how he’s storming! | Oh! I wish we’d given him another name. | This is really quite alarming, | I’m awful sorry that I came, | I’m awful sorry that I came; | I’m sorry that I came, | I’m sorry that I came. | | (_Interlude._) | | _Eben._— Since you’ve named me Ebenezer— | Ground me out of that hanged old freezer; | And have worked your plans so slyly, | By adding on the name of Riley,— | Since it’s so you’ll find me a teazer; | I’m going to get on my Ebenezer. | Since it’s so I _will_ be rily. | With a vengeance I will rile. | | _All._— How he’s raving! how he’s storming! | Oh! I wish we’d given him another name. | This is really quite alarming, | I’m awful sorry that I came, | I’m awful sorry that I came; | I’m sorry that I came, | I’m sorry that I came. | | _Eben._— { Oh! I will break up all your furniture and | paraphernalia. | _Cara. & S._— { See!! how he’s raving! | _Chorus._— { Oh!—just—see—how—he—is—rav—ing! | | _Eben._— { I will exterminate, and devil a thing that can | avail ye; | _Cara. & S._— { Strangely behaving. | _Chorus._— { How—in—de—cent—ly—be—hav—ing. | | _Eben._— { Break all your window-glass and play the dickens | generally. | _Cara. & S._— { Sad, this is getting. | _Chorus._— { This—is—get—ting—most—vex—a—tious. | | _Eben._— { Yes! I will raise the very deuce! | _Cara. & S._— { And alarming, too, | _Chorus._— { And—a—larm—ing—too—good—gra—cious! | | _Eben._— { Oh! I will break up all your furniture and | paraphernalia. | _Cara. & S._— { Oh! dear me. Oh! dear me? | _Chorus._— { ” ” ” ” ” ” | | _Eben._— { I will exterminate, and devil a thing that can | avail ye. | _Cara. & S._— { Can it be That is he? | _Chorus._— { ” ” ” ” ” ” | | _Eben._— { Break all your window-glass, and play the dickens | generally. | _Cara. & S._— { Oh! dear me. Can it be? | _Chorus._— { ” ” ” ” ” ” | | _Eben._— { Yes! I will raise the very deuce!! | _Cara. & S._— { That is he. | _Chorus._— { ” ” ”

(EBEN. _seizes glass retort and chases all out_—PROF. _dodges behind table and_ EBEN. _chases him around—breaks retort._)

(_Curtain._)

ACT III.

(_Same scene as First Act, but windows all broken and everything smashed—placard nailed up_: “RECRUITS WANTED!!” “EXPEDITION AGAINST EBENEZER RILEY.” _Telephone hung by_ L. C. _door._)

(_Curtain rises upon_ SUITORS, _worn and dejected looking, sitting in a row on back wall, holding guitars, all fast asleep._)

No. 1.

| (_Music._) | | (_Music gradually gets louder—at each rise of music, a suitor | yawns and awakes._) | | _1st Suitor_ (_awakening, yawns_).— Ah——a! | | (_Pause for music._) | | _2d Suitor._— Ah——a! | | (_Pause._) | | _3d Suitor._— Ah——a! | | (_Pause._) | | _4th Suitor._— Ah——a! | | (_Pause._) | | _5th Suitor._— Ah——a! | | (_Pause._) | | _6th Suitor._— Ah——a! | | _All (yawning)._—Ah!—Ah!—Ah!—Ah!— | | (_Then continue in monotone._) | | _All._— Oh! how cold and stiff I am, | Is it morning yet? | Can the music of the guitar melt the heart | Of the daughter of the King? | No!—the music of the guitar can _not_ melt | The heart of the daughter of the King. | We have played all the tunes we know; | This is the only one we have left, | And still she is not melted!

No. 2.

| (_Music for_ KING’S _entrance._)

(_Enter_ KING C. _door, in night-gown and cap, with sceptre._)

_King._— Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown; The live-long night, since e’er I laid me down, Such horrid sounds—such vile, unearthly yells Have echoed hence, as ’twere from deepest hells; That slumber, filled with horror at it, fled, And left me to my loneliness—in bed. From hence, it came.

(_Looks around—sees_ SUITORS—_starts._)

Good gracious! Oh! it’s you?

_Suitors_ (_very meekly_).— Yes! please your Highness.

_King._— You’re a handsome crew!

_Suitors._— Yes! please your Highness.

_King._— Were you here all night?

_Suitors._— Yes! please your Highness.

_King._— Did you come to fight?

_Suitors._— Yes! please your Highness.

_King._— You enlist with me?

_Suitors._— Yes! please your Highness.

_King._— Then we all agree? This Ebenezer Riley we must kill. You swear to sweep him from the earth.

_Suitors_ (_very loud_).— _We will!!_

(SUITORS _all get down from wall, and come forward._)

_King._— That’s right!—Hey! captain!

(_1st S. comes forward._)

We must have the head Of Ebenezer Riley—’live or dead. Your regiment—’tis ready?

_Capt._ (_1st_ SUITOR).— Fully manned! Besides this regiment, I’ve brought a band.

_King._— ’Tis well!—march out the army!

_Capt._— ’Tention—all!! Four’s right by two along that garden wall. Left wheel, and form a parabolic arch, And stop right in the centre—forward—march!

(_6th S. marches to centre with gun._)

_King._— Ah!—that’s our army, is it?—fine display! We’ve _never_ turned out finer than to-day. He might be larger.

_Capt._— He’s the only one Who knows the way to fire off that gun— It’s dangerous.

_King._— Indeed!—this man will suit; We want an army who knows how to shoot— You think he’s fierce?

_Capt._— He’s thirsting for the fight! (_To 6th S._) You’re thirsting, ar’n’t you?

(_Listening intently to 6th S._)

(_Turning to_ KING.) Yes!—he is!

_King._— That’s right! And brave?

_Capt._ (_To 6th S._).— You’re brave? (_Listening to 6th S._) He says he longs for gore!

_King._— And when he’s got it?

_Capt._ (_to 6th S._).— When you’ve got it?

(_Listening—then to_ KING.) More!!!

_King._— Ah! that’s a martial spirit fine to see; I’ve rarely known a bolder soul than he.

_6th S._ (_timidly_).— Dear Captain!

_Capt._ (_to_ KING).— Ah!—excuse me— (_Listening to 6th S.—then aloud._) Very well!

(_To_ KING.) Before he goes, he wishes you would tell The size and nature of this villain.

_King._— Don’t he know Our wicked, treacherous, and hated foe? This Ebenezer Riley, fierce and bad, Who roams about our country raving mad, Who’s cutting all our water pipes, and gas, And breaking all our French plate window glass: Upsetting all our hay-stacks—throwing stones, Destroying the wires of our telephones. We tell you we won’t stand it any more; And to make certain we have passed this law.

(KING _unrolls large proclamation. Music. Then King sings._)

No. 3.

_King_ (_spoken_).—Section one!

| (_Sings._) Nougat First the King of Pins, | Hereditary monarch of this domain, | | (_Aside._) (This is the way the law begins.) | First! | | (_Quickly and in monotone._) | | Whereas, A person calling himself Ebenezer Riley, has, by | force and arms, cut the water pipes of our realm; cut | the gas pipes of our realm; broken the window glass of | our realm; upset the hay-stacks of our realm; frightened | the women of our realm; prowled about our realm; and | generally hurt, scared, damaged, terrified, and | seriously deranged our realm; | Be it Resolved! | | _All._— Ebenezer Riley must be hanged!

(_Telephone bell rings;—King goes back_ C., _and speaks through it._)