Part 4
_King._—Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Central office! Hey? Central office! Central office!!! (_Aside._) (The central office is a little off his base.) Hey? Of course I did! Connect me with central barracks. Yes, they are too! Look in the Directory! Hey? Well, why didn’t you do it before? What’s that you say? I heard you!—you confounded—(_Whispers in telephone._) What? You’d better pay attention to business, or I will. Hullo!—Central guard house and barracks! Of course it is.—Hey? Yes! Nougat First! Well, you’d better! Have you seen Ebenezer Riley this morning? Has he done anything in particular this A.M.? Can’t you understand? Has he done anything in particular this A.M.? Has-he-done-any-thing-in-par-tic-u-lar-this-D.-A.-M.!! Well, why didn’t you say so—(By George!!) that’s the worst yet! Why didn’t you stop him? Get it mended, then, so that it _will_ shoot. Oh, tell them to charge it. Yes, they will—they know me. Riley broke it?—(Oh! the villain!) He does, hey? Was he coming very rapidly? What? Oh! More indignities, more destruction! (_Very angry._) I’ll fix him! (_Smiles._) You don’t say so! Of course we can. Is he there now? (_Laughs._) That’s the best I’ve heard yet. Well! Be sure that nobody wakes him. Hey? Oh! Good-bye. (_Comes down._) By George!
| (_Sings._) Whereas, This person aforesaid, calling himself Ebenezer | Riley, has gone and been and laid himself down upon the | lea side of a convenient haystack, and whereas he has | with him only a broom handle and two bricks, and whereas, | besides all this, he is fast asleep and snoring like mad; | Be it resolved: | | _All._— Ebenezer Riley must be hanged!
(_While_ KING _is singing enter_ CARA. _and_ SASSY. L., _who stand, listening_ L., _back._)
_Cara._ (_to_ SASSY.).—What does this mean?
(_To_ KING.) What do you mean, I say. Oh, father dearest! tell me quick, I pray! What means this proclamation—what is wrong? My former suitors here in raging throng;— Why is that regiment equipped for war? The reason why he scowls?
_King._— He thirsts for gore, For Riley gore, alas! with pain I tell, But Riley is behaving far from well.
_Cara._— What has he done?
_King._— I’ll tell you by-and-by. But ’twon’t avail, for Riley’s doomed to die.
_Cara._— Oh, father dear, have pity! Oh, be kind,— With Ebenezer’s fortune _I’m_ entwined. I beg—implore you—by yon heavenly dome, By all the stones of our ancestral home, By yonder moat, so full of little snakes, Which you delight to feed with buckwheat cakes.
(_King weeps._)
He weeps! he yields!
_King_ (_sobbing_).— My daughter, we relent; We will abandon our unjust intent;— But no!—the martial fire in us burns. We are a King! and nothing ever turns A sovereign from his purpose—we must go, But we will do it very, _very_ slow.
_Cara._— But if you find my Ebenezer dear?
_King._— We’ll capture him alive, and bring him here; If he will love you fondly, and behave, We’ll save him from a disagreeable grave. But if he _won’t_——
_Cara._— Oh! that’s a kind papa; He _will_ behave—Ah! what a dear you are.
(_Kisses_ KING.)
_King._— But now, to action—captain!
_Capt._— Here! my Lord!
_King._— All ready?
_Capt._— Yes! your Highness.
_King._— Give the word.
_Capt._— Attention comp’ny!—sure you understand, We’ll have a little prelude by the band, Who’ll play us one of their most martial psalms, Then march when I command you; (_Aloud._) Shoulder arms!
(_Band plays prelude with orchestra, and also accompaniment to song, 6th S. silent drill._)
No. 4.
| _King._— We go to death and carnage, | And probably to wounds, | But we shall take this band along, | To play inspiring tunes; | So do your duty bravely, | And fight your very worst, | For every deed will be observed | By mighty Nougat First. | | _All._— Ta ra—ta ra—ta ra—ta ra—ta ra— | | (_All mark time._) | | So forward march to glory, and honor, and fame, | So that we shall earn, when we return, | A highly illustrious name. | So forward march, to glory, and honor, and fame, | So that we shall earn, when we return, | A highly illustrious name. | | (_March about stage during chorus._) | | _2d Verse._ | | _King._— This Riley is a bad one, | The truth I will not hide, | And when my daughter called him “sweet,” | She obviously lied; | But he who crushes him shall be | Most richly reimbursed, | By being made the son-in-law | Of mighty Nougat First. | | _All._— Ta ra—ta ra—ta ra—ta ra—ta ra— | | _Chorus_ (_same as first._)
(_All keep step and march, at last chorus._)
(_Exeunt_ SUITORS R. _gate, marching and singing_, CARA. _and_ SASSY. _waving handkerchiefs._)
(KING _marches around by himself, singing loudly—goes to_ R. _gate, turns and says_,)
_King._— I go to face the horrors of war, The horrors of war, _Au-reservoir_, (_waving hand._)
(_Exit_ KING R. _gate._)
(_Pause._)
_Cara._— Ah me! I fear that trouble will arise, Though Ebenezer dear is twice the size Of that blood-thirsty army, still, _he’s_ armed And Ebenezer isn’t—if he’s harmed I don’t know what I’ll do—I’d like to know Why Ebenezer is behaving so; Before he drank that mixture he was good. And would have been so sweet—I know he would.
(_Enter_ PROFESSOR, _slowly, carpet-bag, large comb and brush under his arm, reading a large book._)
_Prof._ (_solil._)—Yes!—here it is—the very point I sought, All night I’ve read, and wrestled with great thought, And now I have it—Princess, where’s your pa.
_Cara._— My father, sir, has gone—
_Prof._— What!
_Cara._— Gone to war ’Gainst Mr. Riley—and I think he means To split and smash him into smithereens.
_Prof._— To smithereens—to smithereens—Lost!! Lost!! To think of all the time and thought he’s cost; I’d just discovered—_here_—a recipe, By which to change him good as he should be— It’s just my luck.
_Cara._— What have you found?
_Prof._— Observe— Guy Fawkes’s hair was parted in a curve, Dick Turpin’s parting, in a cue was hid, But probably, ’twas just like Captain Kidd, Whose hair was parted in a side-long course, Also the men who kidnapped Charlie Ross; Jeff Davis, Cettawayo, Robespierre,— All wicked men, thus parted wore their hair; You see the point—these wicked men defied Kind nature’s laws by parting on the side; George Washington’s was parted, so I’ve read, Exactly in the middle of the head; Ben Franklin, Martin Luther, Newton, too, Mark Twain and Kit Columbus, Richelieu; Diogenes, Ben Butler, Cicero, Moody and Sankey, and others you well know. All these good men, without the barber’s art, Had hair which curled out from a centre part. Now, Riley’s hair is frizzled in a bang, Which places him among the wicked gang. I found this point within that ancient tome, And could have cured him with this brush and comb.
_Cara._— Oh! try it, sir.
_Prof._— They’ve gone!
_Cara._— It’s not too late! Oh! find my pa!
_Prof._— I will, as sure as fate!
(_Exit_ PROF., _running, large gate_ R.)
_Cara._— Yes, he is right. (_Looking around audience._) (_Solil._) I see it everywhere! This side and middle parting of the hair. I see—(_looking about audience_)— That underneath each centre part There is a softness both of head and heart; And if a parting on the side there be, The head and heart is hard.
(_Looking about the audience._)
Yes, so I see. Ah! if that dear Professor is in time, ’Twill save my love from danger—pa from crime. I wonder why my Eben. rages so, That he to our caress returns a blow. That mixture was the cause of all this pain,
(_Looking at_ SASSY., _who cries._)
And trouble—why, you’re crying once again!
_Sassy._— Oh, Princess! I have suffered for a week, And cannot stand it longer. I _must_ speak! I did it!
_Cara._— Sassyfrass!
_Sassy._— Oh, Princess dear! I must confess—my crime you now shall hear.
No. 5.
| (_Music._ SASSY. _comes forward and sings._) | | _Sassy._— When Ebenezer’s vital senses | Were lying ’round in little boxes, | A-brooding over his offences, | We entered the Professor’s den, | For vengeance in our hearts was raging. | With wicked zeal we wished to spoil | The beauteous work that he was making— | The grand result of years of toil. | | (CARA. _and_ SASSY. _dance around together, both weeping._) | | _Cara._— What is this story I hear? | | _Sassy._— Pardon me, Princess dear! | | _Cara._— Poor Ebenezer! | | (_Both._) { What shall I do? | { Heavy and troubled my heart; | { Sorry and gloomy my lot. | { Sad is my heart! | { Sad is my heart! | | _2d verse._ | | _Sassy._— Upon a shelf we found the mixture, | Containing all the preparation | For making of the heart a fixture | Secure in Ebenezer’s frame. | We poured the mixture in a mortar. | And then with vile and wicked art | We did a thing we hadn’t oughter, | We pounded in that Cinnamon Heart. | | (_Duet—same as first—both dancing and weeping._)
No. 6.
(_Hurried music—girls stop expectant_, CARA. _front_ R., SASSY. _back_ L.—_great noise_—_enter_ KING, _with bloody nose, over wall—runs across._)
_King._— The foe! the foe! the foe!
(_Exit quickly_, C. _door—enter_ CAPT. _in same way._)
_Capt._— Oh! what a dreadful blow!
(_Exit same way—enter 2d_ SUITOR _in same way._)
_2d S._— Ah! bitter, bitter woe! (_Drops tin drum._)
(_Exit_ C. _door—enter 3d S._)
_3d S._— Tremendous overthrow!
(_Exit_ C. _door—enter 4th S._)
_4th S._— We are pursued—I know!
(_Exit_ C. _door—enter 5th S._)
_5th S._— He’s right out there, below!
(_Exit_ C. _door—enter 6th S._)
_6th S._— That old gun wouldn’t go!
(_Throws down gun, and exit_ C. _door._)
_Sassy._— I know that _I_ can go.
(_Exit_ C. _door._)
_Cara._— My beau! my beau!
(_Stands waiting._)
(_Drawbridge raised from inside—pause—then noise, and_ EBEN. _jumps over wall, rushes to_ C., _picks up gun, turns to castle and speaks furiously._)
_Eben._— Hi yar! hoo raw! Where are those bloody wretches? I very nearly had them in my clutches. Come out, you rascals! show your ugly faces, And I will pound you black and blue, like blazes. Come out! Come out! You, Nougat 1st—you coward! You’re quicker far at running back, than forward. Come out, I say! Send out that valiant army. Ho! send it out, I say!—it won’t alarm me. Why don’t it come? Perhaps it doesn’t care to. Ha! ha!—You dirty cowards, you don’t dare to. Come out, you crows!—you black and ugly jack-daws! You can’t escape—that castle has no back doors. I know it well—I’ve been about here often. Come out! Perhaps your arguments can soften My righteous anger. Ha! why don’t you try it? My anger’s cheap—it’s possible to buy it. Yes! I’ll relent if bags of gold are showered. (_Aside._) He hasn’t any gold. (_Aloud._) Come out, you coward! You won’t come out? I’ll drag you out and pound you Like that! and that! and that! and that! etc.
(_Pounds on tin drum ad lib. with gun—knocks it about until in front of_ Cara.—_sees her, and stops suddenly._)
(_Pause._)
(EBEN. _and_ CARA. _looking at each other._)
_Cara._ (_softly_).—My love!
(_Pause._)
My love!
_Eben._ (_astonished_).—A spirit!!
_Cara._— Nay, my dear! I’m not a spirit—there’s no spirit here. I’m Caramella; still in love, and true To all the vows I plighted.
_Eben._— Ha! it’s _you_!!!
(_Springs at_ CARA., _seizes her and begins to squeeze her in anger—likes it and changes manner._)
I’ll have _your_ blood, in spite of all appeals. I’ll squeeze you into shreds! (_Aside._) How nice it feels.
(_Business. Puts arm around_ CARA.’S _waist—both come down._)
You can’t be Caramella—she was plain; And _you_ are sweet: (_Aside._) I’m going to squeeze again.
(_Embraces and kisses_ CARA.)
There! are you angry? Nay—you smile at this. You seem to like it. Is it wrong to kiss? But though ’gainst worldly fashion or its law, I’ll brave the consequence, and kiss once more. But where?—your lips? Your cheek is softer far. Your hair?—Your eyes are softer than your hair. What shall I kiss? You like it?—then command.
_Cara._ (_looking at audience_).—They’re looking at us.
_Eben._— Then I’ll kiss your hand.
(_Kneels and kisses_ CARA.’S _hand._)
And this is Caramella; is she changed, Or have I been demented, mad, deranged? I didn’t like her manner; it appeared As if she thought I ought to be endeared Immediately to her; which, of course, I didn’t do.
_Cara._— Why not?
_Eben._— Oh! I felt cross. I don’t like to be ordered here and there; I have too many troubles now to bear.
_Cara._— And have you troubles? Share them, dear, with me.
_Eben._— I’ve troubles, yes—particularly three; I’d like to find out by what moral right A lot of city swells come out to fight And chase me ’round the country—that’s the first. And then I have a most _infernal_ thirst, As if I’d eaten pepper, salt, or cinnamon,—
_Cara._— Ah! Cinnamon!!!
_Eben._— Yes, and when it’s once begun, The pain is terrible—so sharp and tart, With such a bad effect upon the heart— A burning feeling—like a fiery flame. But worst of all _my_ troubles is my name.
_Cara._— Oh, I will share _that_!
_Eben._ (_aside_).— Now—what can she mean, How can she share that trouble—am I green? (_Aloud._) No!—I suppose I’ll always be stared at As “Ebenezer Riley”—think of that! It pains me—but the name is for a man. _You_ couldn’t share a _man’s_ name.
_Cara._— Yes, I can! _Dear_ Ebenezer! (_Sweetly._)
_Eben._ (_starting_).— Ah!—say that again; _That_ sounds delightful!—_that_ don’t give me pain; That’s _quite_ a pretty name!—Oh say it more, It never sounded beautiful before.
_Cara._— Oh!—Ebenezer. (_Sweetly._)
_Eben._— Lovely!!—why, it’s fine, I wouldn’t _know_ the name—it _can’t_ be mine, It’s much _too_ good—a little while ago, You said you’d share it—now I want to know How that can be?
_Cara._ (_coyly_).— By getting married!
_Eben._— How? We marry?—well, I rather like it now; Yes!—that’s a fine idea.
_Cara._— Ah!—_now_ you’re good, I’m very glad that you have understood; I was afraid you wouldn’t—now let’s talk Of our plans—and take a little walk; We have a pretty garden over there,
(_Pointing_ L.)
It’s my especial property and care, And as we walk—we will beguile the way By saying pretty things—
_Eben._— Yes!—so I say; I’ll whisper, first, those pretty things to thee, Then you must answer pretty things to me.
No. 7.
| (_Music._) | | (EBEN. _sings._) | | _Eben._— A tender fragrance fills the air, | The flowers bloom when thou art near; | Rivulets stop to listen | When thy sweet voice they hear. | Rushing away with passion torn, | Never at peace when thou art gone. | But thou art here, | Ah!—my dear. | Never shall we parted be, | Never a clouded sky; | Never a shadow fall to thee, | Never a troubled sigh! | | (_Interlude._) | | _2d Verse._ | | _Eben._— To thee—cold fate no ill can bring, | The rose—no thorn, the bee—no sting, | Melody fills all nature, | Hoping to hear thee sing; | Clashing aloud in accents mad, | Weeping again when thou art sad; | But thou art glad, | Ah!—my dear! | Never shall we parted be, | Never a clouded sky, | Never a shadow fall to thee, | Never a troubled sigh.
(EBEN. _holds_ CARAMELLA’S _hand—suddenly starts—looks around—sniffs and smells and starts away._)
_Eben._ (_furiously_),— I smell carbonic acid—phosphorus, That vile Professor!!
_Cara._— He can’t trouble us, He’s not here!
_Eben._— Well—perhaps I may be wrong, My sense of smelling, though, is very strong. Ah dearest. (_Very tenderly._)
(_Again changes manner—sniffs and smells—starts back._)
(_Violently._) Lager!!—I smell lager beer! That King—that coward Nougat has been here; I _know_ he has!
_Cara._— Oh what a silly man, Now do be good and pleasant, if you can. I dream of you as charming—Ah! those dreams!
(EBEN. _smiles sweetly._)
That’s right—that’s how you look.
(KING _looks out of window._)
_King_ (_aside_).— How sweet he seems.
(EBEN. _and_ CARA. _turn and see_ KING.)
_Cara._— Oh!—there’s Papa! (_Joyfully._)
_Eben._ (_satirically_).— Yes!—there’s Papa!
_Cara._— Oh—come! Come down and see us—we are waiting.
_King_ (_doubtingly_).— Hum!! (_Aside to_ CARA.) He’s safe?
_Cara._— I’ve made of him a perfect cure.
_Eben._ (_through teeth._) Oh yes!—I’m cured! (_Aside._) I have him this time, sure!!
(EBEN. _picks up gun, and begins to turn back cuffs_—KING_ leaves window._)
_Cara._— Oh!—isn’t this delightful—here we are, All three united—you and I, and Pa.
_Eben._ (_satirically_).—Oh yes!—it’s very pleasant.
(_Enter_ KING C. _door—comes forward very blusteringly._)
_King._— Ah!—how do! How are you Riley—glad to welcome you. I didn’t know that you were here—before; Come, shake hands and be friends again!
_Eben._ (_yelling_).— Hoo—raw!!
(_Turns and jumps at_ KING _with gun._)
I have you this time—lone and overpowered, And now I’ll give you fits—you bloody coward.
(_Chasing and hitting_ King.)
_Cara._— Oh!—Ebenezer!!
_King_ (_running_).— Murder!!—help!!
_Eben._ (_chasing and striking_ KING).— Hoo—raw!!
(KING _falls_—EBENEZER _strikes as he speaks._)
Take that!—and that!—and that!—and more! Take that!—and that!—and that!—(_etc. ad lib. until_
(SUITORS _rush in—capture_ EBEN.—SUITORS _sit on him._)
(KING _rises slowly and rubs himself._)
_King._— Good gracious!—Oh!—my back.
_Capt._— We have him tight!
_Cara._— Don’t hurt him!
_Eben._— Let me go and I will fight The whole ungainly pack of you—let go Unhand me!!
(_Struggles to get free—rises but is held by_ SUITORS.)
_King._— Silence!!
_Cara._— Give him freedom.
_King._— No! Just take him to the dungeon—let me see, The darkest and most dirty—forty-three— In forty-three secure him to the floor With irons—pound and kick him ’till he’s raw; Scrape him with files—put him upon the rack— Let’s see—what else—Oh—cauterize his back. That’s all I think——
_Cara._— Oh Father—Father!
_King_ (_to Capt._).— Go!!
(_Exeunt_ CAPT. _and_ SUITORS, _leading_ EBEN.—CARA. _sinks down sobbing._)
_Cara._ (_starting up_).— I pray you Father—
_King_ (_aside_).— Here it comes—I know.
_Cara._— Oh Father—dearest Father—hear me now, I charge you, Father—yes—by all your—
_King_ (_interrupting, and calling loudly_).— Captain!!
(_Aside._) I’m not going to be wheedled over to mercy—if she charges me I know I’ll explode.
(_Enter Capt._)
(_Loudly._) Captain, I say—well—what do you Stand there looking at—— Why don’t you bring him out?
_Capt._— Who—Riley?
_King._— Of course—Riley—who else should I mean—why don’t you obey me, sir? Bring him out!
_Capt._— Yes, sir.
_King._— Bring a block!
_Capt._— Yes, sir.
_King._— Bring the executioner!
_Capt._— Yes, sir.
_King_ (_low_).—And captain, invite all the maids to the execution—25 cents a ticket—they’ll pay it. (_Loud._) Well—why don’t you obey—do you hear me?
(_Exit_ CAPT., _hurriedly._)
(KING _walks up and down, mumbling to himself_—CARA. _sobbing down_ R.)
No. 8.
(_Music._)
(_Enter_ SUITORS _with block_—CAPTAIN _stands at door and takes tickets from maids. Enter_ EXECUTIONER _with great pair of scissors—enter_ CHEMISTS _leading_ EBENEZER. _All take positions, viz._):
[Illustration]
No. 9.
| (_Music._) | | _King._— This is a very unpleasant situation, | But we must proceed without further hesitation. | This _is as_ good a way as I knows— | | (_Pointing to scissors._) | | To dispose of my foes! | | (EXECUTIONER _comes down with scissors._) | | _All._— This _is as_ good a way— | This _is as_ good a way as he knows | To dispose of his foes. | | (_Interlude._) | | _Maids._— Oh! he’s going to have his head cut off— | Oh! how horrid he will look! | | _All._— Shish! shish! shish! shish! | Never more—no, never, can he have his | Picture took. Never more—no, never, can he have his | Picture took. | | (EXECUTIONER _prepares to cut_ EBEN.’S _head off with scissors._) | | _King._— Proceed!—why do you hesitate? | | _Maids._— Oh! he’s going to begin! | Oh! I wish we had the money back we | Paid for our tickets. | | _Suitors._— Just look at him— | | _All._— He’s going for to cut his head off! | He’s going for to cut his head off!! | He’s going for to cut his head off!!! | | (_All hold last note._) | | (PROF. _heard outside.—all wait expectant holding note—enter_ PROF. | _hurriedly—jumps over wall—runs to centre—Tableau._)
No. 10.
| _Prof._— Hold! | | (_Fast._) Never was a time when so fast I’ve had to travel, | Jumping over ditches and tremendous heaps of gravel, | Back yards, pits, and innumerable brick kilns, | Coal bins, ash heaps, otherwise impregnable; | Mud, dirt, wet and objectionable odors, | Chemically mixed of asafœtida and sodas, | Hedges, holes, apparently impossible, | Striving to stop this horrible slaughter. | | (_Opens book—pointing to it significantly._) | | (_Slowly._) _Omnes boni_—all good men. | _In medio_—in the middle of the head. | _Capitam_—all the hair. | _Dividunt_—they divide. | Part their hair in the middle of the head—so— | (_Fast._) Putting this important observation into practice, | The interesting and absorbing scientific fact is, | If a person is too excitable, | Send for a brush and comb. | | (_Recit._) Just observe the demonstration of this point. | | (_Turns to_ EBEN.—_takes out comb and brush and begins to part his | hair in the middle while singing._) | | _Eben._— Away—away—away! I tell you stand away!! | | _Prof._— Now, Ebenezer, please be still. | | _All._— Please be still—please be still. | | _Prof._— And with this comb I’ll cure your ill. | | _All._— Riley, please be still. | | _King._— It’s pleasant, if you knew it. | | _All._— Please be still—please be still. | | _Eben._— I’d like to see you do it. | | _All._— Riley, please be still. | Riley, please be still. | Riley, please be still. | | (PROF. _gives finishing touches to_ EBEN.’S _hair—unbinds him_—EBEN. | _gets up—rubs his eyes—then goes around shaking hands while others | are singing._) | | _Prof._— Success! | | _P._, _C._, _S._ & _K._— Success! | | _All._— Success! | | _Prof._— Oh! I am a great astrologer— | | _All._— A regular sockdologer. | | _Prof._— A graduated colleger, | My name is Finigin, | I get my knowledge from the stars, | From pickled snakes put up in jars, | From dead men’s wired vertebras, | From skulls of apes and men. | | _All._— He is a great ass— | | (PROF. _turns and scowls._) | | ——trologer, | He is a great ass—trologer, | He is a great ass—trologer. | | _Eben._ (_pointing to Prof._)— | By virtue of his magic art, | In giving my hair a central part, | We’ve quenched this fiery Cinnamon Heart. | And caused my madness to depart. | | (CARA. _joins_ EBEN.—_both take hands—come down on 1st line—back on | 2d._) | | _Eben. &_ { Our troubles all are through, | _Cara._— { Now I can marry you. | | (_Go back_—KING _comes down in same way._) | | _Eben. &_ { Though I am black and blue, | _King._— { I’ll mix the wedding brew. | | (_Goes back_—Sassy. _and_ Prof. _come forward in same way._) | | _Sassy. &_ { There’s nothing more to do, | _Prof._— { We can be married too. | | (_Go back_—K., C., E., S. & P. _take hands and come down in same way._) | | { An invitation true | { We now present to you. | | (_To audience._) | | (_All take hands—come down on 1st line, back on 2nd—all singing._) | | _All._— Hi yar—Hi yar—we’ll all be married too—Hi yar, | Hi yar—Hi yar—an invitation true—Hi yar! | Hi yar—Hi yar—we now extend to you—Hi yar! | Hi yar—Hi yar—we’ll all be married too—Hi yar! | | (_Repeat faster._)
CURTAIN.