PART II.

_From the time that he began to devote himself to the_ study of divinity, _till he was examined and licensed to_ preach.

[MR. Brainerd, the spring after his expulsion, went to live with the Rev. Mr. Mills, of Ripton, to follow his studies with him, in order to his being fitted for the ministry; where he spent the greater part of the time till licensed to preach.]――The following account is in his own words.

Thursday, April 1, 1742. I seem to be declining with respect to my life and warmth in divine things; O that God would humble me deeply in the dust! I deserve hell every day, for not loving my Lord more, “who has loved me, and given himself for me;” and every time I am enabled to exercise any grace, I am indebted to the God of all grace for it. “Where then is boasting?” Surely “it is excluded,” since we depend on God for the being and every act of grace.

*Friday, April 2. I felt myself much resigned, calm, and serene. What are all the storms of this lower world, if _Jesus_ does but come _♦walking on the seas_!――Some time past, I had much pleasure in the prospect of the Heathen’s being brought home to Christ, and desired that the Lord would employ _me_ in that work;――but now my soul more frequently desires to die, _to be with Christ_. O that my soul were wrapt up in love, and my longing after God increased!

♦ “walk-on” replaced with “walking on”

Saturday, April 3. I thought, if God would take me to himself, my soul would exceedingly rejoice. O that I may be always humble and resigned to God, and that God would fix my soul on himself, that I may be more fitted both for doing and suffering!

*Lord’s-day, April 4. O my blessed God! Let me climb up near to him, and love, and long, and plead, and wrestle, and reach, and stretch after him, and for deliverance from the body of sin and death.――Alas! my soul mourned to think I should ever lose sight of its Beloved again. “O come, Lord Jesus, Amen.”

*Tuesday, April 6. I cried to God to wash my soul, and cleanse me from my exceeding filthiness.――And I could think of undergoing the greatest sufferings, with pleasure; and found myself willing (if God should so order it) to suffer banishment from my native land, among the Heathen, that I might do something for their salvation, in distresses and deaths of any kind.――Then God gave me to wrestle earnestly for others, for the kingdom of Christ in the world, and for my dear Christian friends.――I felt myself weaned from the world, and from my own reputation, willing to be despised, and to be a gazing-stock for the world.――It is impossible for me to express what I then felt: I had not much joy, but a sense of the majesty of God, which made me tremble; I saw myself mean and vile, which made me more willing that God should do what he would with me; it was all infinitely reasonable.

Thursday, April 8. I had hopes respecting the Heathen. O that God would bring in numbers of them to Christ! I cannot but hope I shall see that glorious day.――Every thing in this world seems exceeding vile and little to me: I look so myself.

Saturday, April 10. I spent much time in secret this morning, and not without some comfort; but am so low, and feel so little of the presence of God, that I hardly know what to call faith, and am made to “possess the sins of my youth,” and the dreadful sin of my nature, and am all sin. Yet I feel some faint hopes, that God will, of his infinite mercy, return.

Lord’s-day, April 11. I had sweetness in the thoughts of arriving at the heavenly world. O for the happy day!――After public worship God gave me special assistance in prayer; I wrestled with my dear Lord with much sweetness; and intercession was a sweet and delightful employment.――In the evening, as I was viewing the lights in the north, I was delighted in contemplation on the glorious morning of the resurrection.

*Monday, April 12. This morning the Lord was pleased to lift up the light of his countenance upon me in secret prayer, and made the season very precious to my soul. I felt myself exceeding calm, and quite resigned to God, respecting my future employment: my faith lifted me above the world, and removed all those mountains, that I could not look over of late: I wanted not the favour of men to lean upon; for I knew Christ’s favour was infinitely better, and that it was no matter _when_, nor _where_, nor _how_ Christ should send me, nor what trials he should exercise me with, if I might be prepared for his work and will. I now found sweetly revived in my mind the wonderful discovery of infinite wisdom in all the dispensations of God towards me, which I had a little before I met with my great trial at college; every thing appeared full of the wisdom of God.

Wednesday, April 14. My soul longed for communion with Christ, and for the mortification of indwelling corruption, especially spiritual pride. O there is a sweet day coming, wherein “the weary will be at rest!” My soul has enjoyed much sweetness this day in the hopes of its speedy arrival.

Thursday, April 15. My desires centered in God, and I found a sensible attraction of soul after him: _I long for God_, and a conformity to his will, in inward holiness, ten thousand times more than for any thing here below.

Lord’s-day, April 18. I retired early this morning in the woods; and was enabled to plead with fervency for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom.――At night I saw myself infinitely indebted to God, and had a view of my short comings: it seemed to me, that I had done nothing for God, and that I had _lived to him_ but a few hours of my life.

*Monday, April 19. I set apart this day for fasting and prayer to God for his grace, to prepare me for the work of the ministry, and in his own time to send me into his harvest. I felt a power of intercession for the advancement of the kingdom of my dear Lord; and withal, a sweet resignation, and even joy in the thoughts of suffering hardships, distresses, yea death itself, in the promotion of it. In the afternoon, “God was with me of a truth.” O it was blessed company indeed! God enabled me so to agonize in prayer, that I was quite wet with sweat, tho’ in the shade. My soul was drawn out very much for the world; I grasped for multitudes of souls. I had more enlargement for sinners, than for the children of God; though I felt as if I could spend my life in cries for both. I never felt such an entire weanedness from this world, and so much resigned to God in every thing.――O that I may always live _to_ and _upon_ my blessed God!

Tuesday, April 20. This day I am twenty-four years of age. O how much mercy have I received the year past! How often has God “caused his goodness to pass before me!” And how poorly have I answered the vows I made this time twelvemonth, to be wholly the Lord’s, to be for ever devoted to his service! The Lord help me to live more to his glory.――――This has been a sweet day to me: blessed be God. I think my soul was never so drawn out in intercession for _others_. I had a fervent wrestle with the Lord for my _enemies_; and I hardly ever so longed to _live to God_, and to be altogether devoted to him.

Lord’s day, April 25. This morning I spent about two hours in secret, and was enabled more than ordinarily to agonize for immortal souls; though it was early in the morning, and the sun scarcely shined at all, yet my body was quite wet with sweat. I felt myself much pressed, as frequently of late, to plead for the meekness and calmness of the Lamb of God. O it is a sweet disposition, heartily to forgive all injuries, to wish our greatest enemies as well as we do our own souls! Blessed Jesus, may I daily be more and more conformed to thee! At night I was exceedingly melted with divine love, and had a sense of the blessedness of the upper world. Those words hung upon me with much sweetness, Psalms lxxxiv. 7. “They go from strength to strength, every one of them in Zion appeareth before God.” O the _near access_ that God sometimes gives us in our addresses to him! This may well be termed _appearing before God_; it is so indeed, in the true spiritual sense. I longed for the coming of my dear Lord; I longed to join the angelic hosts in praises, wholly free from imperfection. O the blessed moment hastens! All I want is to be more holy, more like my dear Lord. O for sanctification! My very soul pants for the compleat restoration of the blessed image of my Saviour; that I may be fit for the blessed enjoyments and employments of the heavenly world.

Monday, April 26. I continued in a sweet frame of mind. God was pleased to make it a humbling season. My soul exceedingly longs for that blessed state of perfection, of deliverance from all sin!――――At night God enabled me to give my soul up to him, to cast myself upon him, to be disposed of according to his sovereign pleasure; and I enjoyed great peace and consolation in so doing. My soul took sweet delight in God: my thoughts freely and sweetly centered in him. O that I could spend every moment of my life to his glory!

*Tuesday, April 27. I retired and God was pleased to pour such ineffable comforts into my soul, that I could do nothing for sometime but say over and over, “O my sweet Saviour! O my sweet Saviour! Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.” If I had a thousand lives, my soul would gladly have laid them all down, to have been with Christ. My soul never enjoyed so much of heaven before; it was the most refined communion with God I ever felt: I never before felt so great a degree of resignation.

*Wednesday, April 28. I withdrew to my usual place of retirement, and spent about two hours in secret. I felt much as I did yesterday morning, only weaker and more overcome. I seemed to hang wholly on my dear Lord; wholly weaned from all other dependencies. I knew not what to say to my God, but only _lean on his bosom_, as it were, and breathe out my desires after perfect conformity to him in all things. Thirsting desires and insatiable longings, possessed my soul after perfect holiness; God was so precious to my soul, that the world with all its enjoyments was infinitely vile; I had no more value for the favour of men, than for pebbles: the Lord was my all; and he over ruled all; which greatly delighted me. I think my faith and dependance on God scarce ever rose so high. I saw him such a fountain of goodness, that it seemed impossible I should distrust him again, or be any way anxious about any thing that should happen to me.――――In the evening my heart seemed sweetly to melt, and was humbled for indwelling corruption, and I mourned like a dove. I felt that all my unhappiness arose from my being a sinner; for with resignation I could welcome all other trials; but sin hung heavy upon me: for God discovered to me the corruption of my heart; so that I went to bed with a heavy heart, because I was a sinner: though I did not in the least doubt of God’s love. O that God would “purge away all my dross, and take away my ♦tin.”

♦ “sin” replaced with “tin” per Errata

Friday, April 30. Nothing grieves me so much as that I cannot live constantly to God’s glory. I could bear any spiritual conflicts, if I could but have _my heart_ all the while burning with love to God; for when I _feel_ this I cannot be dejected, but only _rejoice in my Saviour_, who has delivered me from the reigning power, and will shortly deliver me from the indwelling of sin.

Lord’s-day, May 2. God was pleased to give me such a sight of myself, as made me appear vile in my own eyes: I felt corruption in my heart, which I could by no means suppress; I was exceeding weak, and almost sick with my inward trials.

Lord’s-day, May 9. I never felt so much of the cursed pride of my heart, as well as the stubbornness of my will before. O what a wretch I am! I could not submit to be nothing, and to lie down in the dust. Oh that God would humble me! I felt myself such a sinner, all day, that I had scarce any comfort. Oh when shall I be “delivered from the body of this death!” I greatly feared, lest through stupidity I should lose the benefit of these trials. O that they might be sanctified to my soul! Nothing seemed to touch me but this, that I was a sinner.

Thursday, May 13. I saw so much of the wickedness of my heart, that I longed to get away from myself. I never before thought there was so much spiritual pride in my soul: I was almost pressed to death with my vileness. Oh what _a body of death_ is there in me! _Lord, deliver my soul._ O the closest walk with God is the sweetest heaven that can be enjoyed on earth!

Friday, May 14. I waited on a council of ministers, and spread before them the treatment I had met with at Yale-college; who thought it adviseable to intercede for me with the rector and trustees, and to intreat them to restore me to my former privileges.¹

¹ The application which was then made on his behalf, had not the desired success.

Saturday, June 12. I spent much time in prayer this morning, and enjoyed much sweetness.――Felt insatiable longings after God: I wondered how poor souls do to live, that have _no God_.――The world, with all its enjoyments, quite vanished. I see myself very helpless: but I have a blessed God to go to. I longed exceedingly “to be dissolved, and to be with Christ, to behold his glory.” Oh, my weak weary soul longs to arrive at _my Father’s house_!

Monday, June 14. I felt something of the sweetness of communion with God, and the _constraining_ force of _his love_:――I set apart this day for fasting and prayer, to intreat God to bless me with regard to the great work of _preaching the gospel_. Just at night, the Lord visited me marvellously in prayer: I think my soul never was in such an agony before: I felt no restraint; for the treasures of divine grace were opened to me; I wrestled for my absent friends, for the ingathering of souls, for multitudes of poor souls, and for many that I thought were the children of God, personally, in many distant places. I was in such an agony, till near dark, that I was all over wet with sweat: but yet it seemed to me that I had wasted away the day, and had done nothing. Oh, my dear Jesus did _sweat blood_ for poor souls! I longed for more compassion towards them.

Tuesday, June 15. I had the most ardent longings after God, that I ever felt in my life: at noon, in secret, I could do nothing but tell my dear Lord, that he knew I longed for nothing but _himself_, nothing but _holiness_; that _he_ had given me these desires, and he _only_ could give me the thing desired. I never seemed to be so unhinged from myself, and to be so wholly devoted to God. My heart was swallowed up in God most of the day. In the evening I had such a view of the soul’s being enlarged, to contain more holiness; that my soul seemed ready to separate from my body, to obtain it. I then wrestled in an agony for divine blessings; and had my heart drawn out in prayer for some Christian friends, beyond what I ever had before.――I feel differently now from whatever I did under any sweet enjoyments before; more engaged to _live to God_ for ever. Oh how short do I fall of my duty in my sweetest moments!

Friday, June 18. Considering my great unfitness for the _ministry_, I set apart this day for prayer to God, and found God graciously near; once in particular, while I was pleading for more compassion for immortal souls, my _heart_ seemed to be _opened_ at once, and I was enabled to cry with great ardency.

*Oh, I was distressed, to think, that I should offer such dead cold services to the _living God_! My soul seemed to breathe after holiness, a life of constant devotedness to God. But I am almost lost sometimes in the pursuit of this blessedness, and ready to sink, because I continually fall short. O that the Lord would help me to hold out, yet a little while, till the happy hour of deliverance comes!

Lord’s-day, June 20. I spent much time alone. My soul longed to be holy, and reached after God; I _hungered_ and _thirsted_; but was not satisfied. My soul hung on God, as my only portion. O that I could grow in grace more abundantly every day!

Tuesday, June 22. I was sweetly composed and resigned to God’s will; enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with him, and to have my whole dependence upon him: my secret retirement was very refreshing. It appeared such a happiness to have God for my portion, that I had rather be any other creature in this lower creation, than not to come to the enjoyment of God: I had rather be a beast, than a man, without God, if I were to live here to eternity. Lord endear thyself more to me!

Wednesday, June 30. Spent this day alone in the woods, in fasting and prayer; underwent the most dreadful conflicts in my soul, that ever I felt; I saw myself so vile, that I was ready to say, “I shall now perish by the hand of Saul.” I almost concluded, I had no power to stand for the cause of God, but was “afraid of the shaking of a leaf.” Spent almost the whole day in prayer. I could not bear to think of Christians shewing me any respect. I almost despaired of doing any service in the world; I could not feel any hope respecting the Heathen, which used to afford me some refreshment in the darkest hours. I spent the day _in the bitterness of my soul_. Near night I enjoyed some sweetness in prayer.

Saturday, July 3. My heart seemed again to sink. The disgrace I was laid under at college seemed to damp me, as it opens the mouths of opposers. I had no refuge but in God. Blessed be his name, that I may go to _him_ at all times, and find him a _present help_.

Lord’s-day, July 4. I withdrew, and enjoyed a happy season in secret: God was pleased to give me the exercise of faith, and thereby brought the invisible and eternal world near to my soul. I hoped, that my weary _pilgrimage_ would be _short_; that it would not be long before I was brought to my Father’s house: but I was sweetly resigned to God’s will, to tarry his time, to do his work, and suffer his pleasure. I felt pleased, to be _little_, to be _nothing_, and to _lie in the dust_. I enjoyed life and sweet consolation in pleading for the dear children of God, and the kingdom of Christ in the world: and my soul earnestly breathed after holiness, and the enjoyment of God. “O come, Lord Jesus! come quickly Amen.”

Monday, July 19. My desires are carried out after weanedness from the _world_, perfect deadness to it, and to be _crucified_ to all its allurements. My soul longs to feel itself a _pilgrim_ and _stranger_ here below; that nothing may divert me from pressing through the lonely desert, till I arrive at my Father’s house.

*Thursday, July 22. Journeying from Southbury to Ripton, I called at a house, where being kindly entertained, I was filled with amazement and shame, that God should stir up the hearts of any to shew so much kindness to such a _dead dog_ as I; and was sensible, how exceeding vile it is, not to be wholly devoted to God. I wondered, that God would suffer any of his creatures to feed and sustain me from time to time.

Thursday, July 29. I was examined by the association met at Danbury, as to my learning, and experiences in religion, and received a licence from them to preach the gospel of Christ. Afterwards I felt much devoted to God: joined in prayer with one of the ministers; and went to bed resolving to live devoted to God all my days.