XXX.

WHERE WE ARE TRUE.

Thou sayest, I am rich, and made wealthy, and have need of nothing: and knowest not, that thou art wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked.--_Apoc._ iii. 17.

It seems to me, dear Lord, that You can hardly reproach me with this. I know but too well how deficient I am in humility; how I fire up at even a hint implying blame, suspicion, mistrust; how reluctantly I own to those about me that I am in the wrong.

But alone with You, my inward witness, it is otherwise. There is no difficulty, no reluctance here. Once in the Presence Chamber, the curtain dropped behind me, the gaze of creatures turned aside, I am myself, _and true_, without disguise, feint, tricking out of any sort. I do not trim my speech, or tone down my “Peccavi,” “to make excuses in sins”.[92] I conceal neither my failings nor my needs. With the privilege of the creature in presence of the Creator, I lie on my face before You just as I am, for Your eye to see, Your ear to hearken to, Your Heart to pity and to bless.

How could there be pretence with You or affectation? I know and feel that “Thy eyes are upon me,”[93] “beholding the good and the evil”;[94] that “God Who seeth all”[95] “is the weigher of spirits”.[96] Before that all-seeing Eye self-delusion, conceit, untruthfulness in every shape must melt away.

I cannot indeed know my nothingness and sinfulness as they are known to You. I do not fathom one of the thousand motives I have for self-abasement in Your sight. But I think my self-knowledge as far as it goes is true. I am ready to see with You that I am wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked. I know and feel with the most intimate conviction that in my soul are the seeds of every evil passion; that they will choke the good seed and ruin me unless Your power represses them; that unless Your Almighty hand checks the weight of temptation, my enemy must prevail over me; that it is owing to Your goodness I have not been tempted as others; that of myself I am nothing but weakness and misery and sin.

How it comes to pass that my self-knowledge does not bear better fruit; that when occasion requires I am not more ready to own to what I am thus conscious of, am not more indulgent and compassionate in my judgment of others--I know not. But I thank You for what You have given; and ask earnestly for more and stronger light to bring about conformity between my interior conviction and my exterior words and actions.

Veni, Pater pauperum, Veni, Dator munerum, Veni, Lumen cordium.

[92] Psa. cxl.

[93] Job vii.

[94] Prov. xv.

[95] Ecclus. vii.

[96] Prov. xvi.