Part 17

"I gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat it to each other."

The seven-year-old daughter of a prominent suburban resident is, the neighbors say, a precocious youngster; at all events, she knows the ways of the world.

Her mother had occasion to punish her one day last week for a

## particularly mischievous prank, and after she had talked it over very

solemnly sent the little girl up to her room.

An hour later the mother went upstairs. The child was sitting complacently on the window seat, looking out at the other children.

"Well, little girl," the mother began, "did you tell God all about how naughty you'd been?"

The youngster shook her head, emphatically. "Guess I didn't," she gurgled; "why, it'd be all over heaven in no time."

Get a gossip wound up and she will run somebody down.--_Life_.

"Papa, mamma says that one-half the world doesn't know how the other half lives."

"Well, she shouldn't blame herself, dear, it isn't her fault."

It is only national history that "repeats itself." Your private history is repeated by the neighbors.

"You're a terrible scandal-monger, Linkum," said Jorrocks.

"Why in thunder don't you make it a rule to tell only half what you hear?"

"That's what I do do," said Linkum. "Only I tell the spicy half."

"What," asked the Sunday-school teacher, "is meant by bearing false witness against one's neighbor?"

"It's telling falsehoods about them," said the one small maid.

"Partly right and partly wrong," said the teacher.

"I know," said another little girl, holding her hand high in the air. "It's when nobody did anything and somebody went and told about it."--_H.R. Bennett_.

MAUD--"That story you told about Alice isn't worth repeating."

KATE--"It's young yet; give it time."

SON--"Why do people say 'Dame Gossip'?"

FATHER--"Because they are too polite to leave off the 'e.'"

I cannot tell how the truth may be; I say the tale as 'twas said to me.

Never tell evil of a man, if you do not know it for a certainty, and if you do know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, "Why should I tell it?"--_Lavater_.

GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP

"Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the government?"

"I might if I didn't know who controlled the government."--_Life_.

GOVERNORS

The governor of a western state was dining with the family of a Representative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at table sat the little girl of the family, aged ten. She gazed at the Governor solemnly throughout the repast.

Finally the youngster asked, "Are you really and truly a governor?"

"Yes," replied the great man laughingly; "I really and truly am."

"I've always wanted to see a governor," continued the child, "for I've heard Daddy speak of 'em."

"Well," rejoined the Governor, "now that you have seen one, are you satisfied?"

"No, sir," answered the youngster, without the slightest impertinence, but with an air of great conviction, "no, sir; I'm disappointed."

GRAFT

"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner.

"Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system which ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population to apologize constantly for not having money, and the remainder to explain how they got it."

LADY--"I guess you're gettin' a good thing out o' tending the rich Smith boy, ain't ye, doctor?"

DOCTOR--"Well, yes; I get a pretty good fee. Why?"

LADY--"Well, I hope you won't forget that my Willie threw the brick that hit 'im!"

Every man has his price, but some hold bargain sales.--_Satire_.

The Democrats had a clear working majority in ----, Illinois, for a number of years. But when the Fifteenth Amendment went into effect it enfranchised so many of the "culled bredren" as to make it apparent to the party leaders that unless a good many black votes could be bought up, the Republicans would carry the city election. Accordingly advances were made to the Rev. Brother ----, whose influence it was thought desirable to secure, inasmuch as he was certain to control the votes of his entire church.

He was found "open to conviction," and arrangements progressed satisfactorily until it was asked how much money would be necessary to secure his vote and influence.

With an air of offended dignity, Brother ---- replied:

"Now, gemmen, as a regular awdained minister ob de Baptist Church dis ting has gone jes as far as my conscience will 'low; but, gemmen, my son will call round to see you in de mornin'."

A well-known New York contractor went into the tailor's, donned his new suit, and left his old one for repairs. Then he sought a café and refreshed the inner man; but as he reached in his pocket for the money to settle his check, he realized that he had neglected to transfer both purse and watch when he left his suit. As he hesitated, somewhat embarrassed, he saw a bill on the floor at his feet. Seizing it thankfully, he stepped to the cashier's desk and presented both check and money.

"That was a two dollar bill," he explained when he counted his change.

"I know it," said the cashier, with a toss of her blond head. "I'm dividing with you. I saw it first."

GRATITUDE

After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor, I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knocked down in me own parish--wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"

Some people are never satisfied. For example, the prisoner who complained of the literature that the prison angel gave him to read.

"Nutt'n but continued stories," he grumbled. "An I'm to be hung next Tuesday."

It was a very hot day and a picnic had been arranged by the United Society of Lady Vegetarians.

They were comfortably seated, and waiting for the kettle to boil, when, horror of horrors! a savage bull appeared on the scene.

Immediately a wild rush was made for safety, while the raging creature pounded after one lady who, unfortunately, had a red parasol. By great good fortune she nipped over the stile before it could reach her. Then, regaining her breath, she turned round.

"Oh, you ungrateful creature!" she exclaimed. "Here have I been a vegetarian all my life. There's gratitude for you!"

Miss PASSAY--"You have saved my life, young man. How can I repay you? How can I show my gratitude? Are you married?"

YOUNG MAN--"Yes; come and be a cook for us."

GREAT BRITAIN

One of the stories told by Mr. Spencer Leigh Hughes in his speech in the House of Commons one night tickled everybody. It is the story of the small boy who was watching the Speaker's procession as it wended its way through the lobby. First came the Speaker, and then the chaplain, and next the other officers.

"Who, father, is that gentleman?" said the small boy, pointing to the chaplain.

"That, my son," said the father, "is the chaplain of the House."

"Does he pray for the members?" asked the small boy.

The father thought a minute and then said: "No, my son; when he goes into the House he looks around and sees the members sitting there and then he prays for the country."--_Cardiff Mail_.

There is a lad in Boston, the son of a well-known writer of history, who has evidently profited by such observations as he may have overheard his father utter touching certain phases of British empire-building. At any rate the boy showed a shrewd notion of the opinion not infrequently expressed in regard to the righteousness of "British occupation." It was he who handed in the following essay on the making of a British colony:

"Africa is a British colony. I will tell you how England does it. First she gets a missionary; when the missionary has found a specially beautiful and fertile tract of country, he gets all his people round him and says: 'Let us pray,' and when all the eyes are shut, up goes the British flag."

GRIEF

Jim, who worked in a garage, had just declined Mr. Smith's invitation to ride in his new car.

"What's the matter, Jim?" asked Mr. Smith. "Are you sick?"

"No, sah," he replied. "Tain't that--I done los' $5, sah, an' I jes' nacherly got tuh sit an' grieve."

GUARANTEES

TRAVELER (on an English train)--"Shall I have time to get a drink?"

GUARD--"Yes, sir."

TRAVELER--"Can you give me a guarantee that the train won't start?"

GUARD--"Yes, I'll take one with you!"

GUESTS

"Look here, Dinah," said Binks, as he opened a questionable egg at breakfast, "is this the freshest egg you can find?"

"Naw, suh," replied Dinah. "We done got a haff dozen laid diss mornin', suh, but de bishop's comin' down hyar in August, suh, and we's savin' all de fresh aigs for him, suh."

"Here's a health to thee and thine From the hearts of me and mine; And when thee and thine Come to see me and mine, May me and mine make thee and thine As welcome as thee and thine Have ever made me and mine."

HABIT

Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a young timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many times spanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any time when you want him spanked," suggested the latter; "I can manage him."

One morning, about a week after this conversation, Tommy appeared at the first-grade teacher's door. She dropped her work, seized him by the arm, dragged him to the dressing-room, turned him over her knee and did her duty.

When she had finished she said: "Well, Tommy, what have you to say?"

"Please, Miss, my teacher wants the scissors."

In reward of faithful political service an ambitious saloon keeper was appointed police magistrate.

"What's the charge ag'in this man?" he inquired when the first case was called.

"Drunk, yer honor," said the policeman.

The newly made magistrate frowned upon the trembling defendant.

"Guilty, or not guilty?" he demanded.

"Sure, sir," faltered the accused, "I never drink a drop."

"Have a cigar, then," urged his honor persuasively, as he absently polished the top of the judicial desk with his pocket handkerchief.

"We had a fine sunrise this morning," said one New Yorker to another. "Did you see it?"

"Sunrise?" said the second man. "Why, I'm always in bed before sunrise."

A traveling man who was a cigarette smoker reached town on an early train. He wanted a smoke, but none of the stores were open. Near the station he saw a newsboy smoking, and approached him with:

"Say, son, got another cigarette?"

"No, sir," said the boy, "but I've got the makings."

"All right," the traveling man said. "But I can't roll 'em very well. Will you fix one for me?"

The boy did.

"Don't believe I've got a match," said the man, after a search through his pockets.

The boy handed him a match. "Say, Captain," he said "you ain't got anything but the habit, have you?"

Habit with him was all the test of truth; "It must be right: I've done it from my youth."

--_Crabbe_.

HADES

_See_ Future life.

HAPPINESS

Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international school question:

"The subject of the American versus the English school has been too much discussed. The good got from a school depends, after all, on the schoolboy chiefly, and I'm afraid the average schoolboy is well reflected in that classic schoolboy letter home which said:

"'Dear parents--We are having a good time now at school. George Jones broke his leg coasting and is in bed. We went skating and the ice broke and all got wet. Willie Brown was drowned. Most of the boys here are down with influenza. The gardener fell into our cave and broke his rib, but he can work a little. The aviator man at the race course kicked us because we threw sand in his motor, and we are all black and blue. I broke my front tooth playing football. We are very happy.'"

Mankind are always happier for having been happy; so that if you make them happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory of it.--_Sydney Smith_.

HARNESSING

The story is told of two Trenton men who hired a horse and trap for a little outing not long ago. Upon reaching their destination, the horse was unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while the men fished for an hour or two.

When they were ready to go home, a difficulty at once presented itself, inasmuch as neither of the Trentonians knew how to reharness the horse. Every effort in this direction met with dire failure, and the worst problem was properly to adjust the bit. The horse himself seemed to resent the idea of going into harness again.

Finally one of the friends, in great disgust, sat down in the road. "There's only one thing we can do, Bill," said he.

"What's that?" asked Bill.

"Wait for the foolish beast to yawn!"

HARVARD UNIVERSITY

"Well, I'll tell you this," said the college man, "Wellesley is a match factory."

"That's quite true," assented the girl. "At Wellesley we make the heads, but we get the sticks from Harvard."--_C. Stratton_.

HASH

"George," said the Titian-haired school marm, "is there any connecting link between the animal kingdom and the vegetable kingdom?"

"Yeth, ma'am," answered George promptly. "Hash."

HASTE

The ferry-dock was crowded with weary home-goers when through the crowd rushed a man--hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of every shape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on a ferryboat only two or three feet out from the pier. He paused but an instant on the string-piece, and then, cheered on by the amused crowd, he made a flying leap across the intervening stretch of water and landed safely on the deck. A fat man happened to be standing on the exact spot on which he struck, and they both went down with a resounding crash. When the arriving man had somewhat recovered his breath he apologized to the fat man. "I hope I didn't hurt you," he said. "I am sorry. But, anyway I caught the boat!"

"But you idiot," said the fat man, "the boat was coming in!"

HEALTH RESORTS

"Where've you been, Murray?"

"To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply great."

"Then why did you come away?"

"Oh, I got sick and had to come home."

"Are you going back?"

"You bet. Just as soon as I get well enough."

HEARING

The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they had overheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife.

"They must have been to the Zoo," said Mrs. A., "because I heard her mention 'a trained deer.'"

"Goodness me!" laughed Mrs. B. "What queer hearing you must have! They were talking about going away, and she said, 'Find out about the train, dear.'"

"Well did anybody ever?" exclaimed Mrs. C. "I am sure they were talking about musicians, for she said 'a trained ear,' as distinctly as could be."

The discussion began to warm up, and in the midst of it the lady herself appeared. They carried their case to her promptly, and asked for a settlement.

"Well, well, you do beat all!" she exclaimed, after hearing each one. "I'd been out to the country overnight, and was asking my husband if it rained here last night."

After which the three disputants retired, abashed and in silence.--_W.J. Lampton_.

HEAVEN

"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't you make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas."

"Well, what if I do? It won't hurt."

"Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to heaven."

"Shucks, that would be fun! You an' me would be the only live ones up there."--_I.C. Curtis_.

_See also_ Future life.

HEIRLOOMS

HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)--"Are both your rings heirlooms?"

SHE (concealing the hand)--"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in the family since the time of Alfred, but the other is newer"--(blushing)--"it only dates from the conquest."

"My grandfather was a captain of industry."

"Well?"

"He left no sword, but we still treasure the stubs of his check-books."

HELL

_See_ Future life.

HEREDITY

"Papa, what does hereditary mean?"

"Something which descends from father to son."

"Is a spanking hereditary?"

William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top trousers, silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spoke for itself. He entered the library where his father was reading. The old gentleman looked up and surveyed his son. The longer he looked, the more disgusted he became.

"Son," he finally blurted out, "you look like a d--- fool!"

Later, the old Major who lived next door came in and greeted the boy heartily. "William," he said with undisguised admiration, "you look exactly like your father did twenty-five years ago when he came back from school!"

"Yes," replied William, with a smile, "so Father was just telling me."

"There seems to be a strange affinity between a darky and a chicken. I wonder why?" said Jones.

"Naturally enough," replied Brown. "One is descended from Ham and the other from eggs."

"So you have adopted a baby to raise?" we ask of our friend. "Well, it may turn out all right, but don't you think you are taking chances?"

"Not a chance," he answers. "No matter how many bad habits the child may develop, my wife can't say he inherits any of them from my side of the house."

_See also_ Ancestry.

HEROES

THE PASSER-BY--"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deserve a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?"

THE HERO--"He had my skates on!"--_Puck_.

MR. HENPECK--"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence?"

MR. SCRAPER--"I reckon I am."

MR. HENPECK--"Shake! You're a hero."

Each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody.--_Emerson_.HIGH COST OF LIVING

_See_ Cost of living.

HINTING

Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said, "Thank you."

"That's right, James," said the lady. "I like to hear little boys say 'thank you.'"

"Well," rejoined James, "If you want to hear me say it again, you might put some jam on it."

HOME

Home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on your old manners.

Who hath not met with home-made bread, A heavy compound of putty and lead-- And home-made wines that rack the head, And home-made liquors and waters? Home-made pop that will not foam, And home-made dishes that drive one from home-- * * * * * * Home-made by the homely daughters.

--_Hood_.

HOMELINESS

_See_ Beauty, Personal.

HOMESTEADS

"Malachi," said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know all about this law. Tell me what I am to do."

"Well," said the other, "I don't remember the exact wording of the law, but I can give you the meaning of it. It's this: The government is willin' to bet you one hundred and sixty acres of land against fourteen dollars that you can't live on it five years without starving to death."--_Fenimore Martin_.

HONESTY

"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an approving smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill."

VISITOR--"And you always did your daring robberies single-handed? Why didn't you have a pal?"

PRISONER--"Well, sir, I wuz afraid he might turn out to be dishonest."

Ex-District Attorney Jerome, at a dinner in New York, told a story about honesty. "There was a man," he said, "who applied for a position in a dry-goods house. His appearance wasn't prepossessing, and references were demanded. After some hesitation, he gave the name of a driver in the firm's employ. This driver, he thought, would vouch for him. A clerk sought out the driver, and asked him if the applicant was honest. 'Honest?' the driver said. 'Why, his honesty's been proved again and again. To my certain knowledge he's been arrested nine times for stealing and every time he was acquitted.'"

"How is it, Mr. Brown," said a miller to a farmer, "that when I came to measure those ten barrels of apples I bought from you, I found them nearly two barrels short?"

"Singular, very singular; for I sent them to you in ten of your own flour-barrels."

"Ahem! Did, eh?" said the miller. "Well, perhaps I made a mistake. Let's imbibe."

The stranger laid down four aces and scooped in the pot.

"This game ain't on the level," protested Sagebush Sam, at the same time producing a gun to lend force to his accusation. "That ain't the hand I dealt ye!"

A dumpy little woman with solemn eyes, holding by the hand two dumpy little boys, came to the box-office of a theater. Handing in a quarter, she asked meekly for the best seat she could get for that money.

"Those boys must have tickets if you take them in," said the clerk.

"Oh, no, mister," she said. "I never pay for them. I never can spare more than a quarter, and I just love a show. We won't cheat you any, mister, for they both go sound asleep just as soon as they get into a seat, and don't see a single bit of it."

The argument convinced the ticket man, and he allowed the two children to pass in.

Toward the end of the second act an usher came out of the auditorium and handed a twenty-five-cent piece to the ticket-seller.

"What's this?" demanded the latter.

"I don't know," said the usher. "A little chunk of a woman beckoned me clear across the house, and said one of her kids had waked up and was looking at the show, and that I should bring you that quarter."

HONOR

In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men smoking and reading. All of a sudden a door banged and the conductor's voice cried:

"All tickets, please!"

Then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet, scanned the faces of the others and said, slowly and impressively:

"Gentlemen, I trust to your honor."

And he dived under the seat and remained there in a small, silent knot till the conductor was safely gone.

Titles of honour add not to his worth, Who is himself an honour to his titles.

--_John Ford_.

HOPE

FRED--"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your lover's death. Remember that other and better men than he have gone the same way."

BEREAVED ONE--"They haven't all gone, have they?"--_Puck_.

HORSES

A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with two dilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency than a five-dollar bill. This he proffered to the driver. The latter took it, looked it over for a moment or so, and then asked:

"Which horse do you want?"

A traveler in Indiana noticed that a farmer was having trouble with his horse. It would start, go slowly for a short distance, and then stop again. Thereupon the farmer would have great difficulty in getting it started. Finally the traveler approached and asked, solicitously:

"Is your horse sick?"

"Not as I knows of."

"Is he balky?"

"No. But he is so danged 'fraid I'll say whoa and he won't hear me, that he stops every once in a while to listen."

A German farmer was in search of a horse.

"I've got just the horse for you," said the liveryman. "He's five years old, sound as a dollar and goes ten miles without stopping."

The German threw his hands skyward.