Part 9
"Wanted--a reliable woman to take care of a baby. Apply to Mrs. J. W. Lyons."
COAL DEALERS
In a Kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail coal business a revival was recently held and the elder of the brothers was converted. For weeks he tried to persuade his brother to join the church. One day he asked:
"Why can't you join the church like I did?"
"It's a fine thing for you to belong to the church," replied the younger brother, "If I join the church who'll weigh the coal?"
COEDUCATION
The speaker was waxing eloquent, and after his peroration on woman's rights he said: "When they take our girls, as they threaten, away from the coeducational colleges, what will follow? What will follow, I repeat?"
And a loud, masculine voice in the audience replied: "I will!"
COFFEE
Among the coffee-drinkers a high place must be given to Bismarck. He liked coffee unadulterated. While with the Prussian Army in France he one day entered a country inn and asked the host if he had any chicory in the house. He had. Bismarck said--"Well, bring it to me; all you have." The man obeyed and handed Bismarck a canister full of chicory. "Are you sure this is all you have?" demanded the Chancellor. "Yes, my lord, every grain." "Then," said Bismarck, keeping the canister by him, "go now and make me a pot of coffee."
COINS
He had just returned from Paris and said to his old aunt in the country: "Here, Aunt, is a silver franc piece I brought you from Paris as a souvenir."
"Thanks, Herman," said the old lady. "I wish you'd thought to have brought me home one of them Latin quarters I read so much about."
COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS
An enterprising firm advertised: "All persons indebted to our store are requested to call and settle. All those indebted to our store and not knowing it are requested to call and find out. Those knowing themselves indebted and not wishing to call, are requested to stay in one place long enough for us to catch them."
"Sir," said the haughty American to his adhesive tailor, "I object to this boorish dunning. I would have you know that my great-great-grandfather was one of the early settlers."
"And yet," sighed the anxious tradesman, "there are people who believe in heredity."
A retail dealer in buggies doing business in one of the large towns in northern Indiana wrote to a firm in the east ordering a carload of buggies. The firm wired him:
"Cannot ship buggies until you pay for your last consignment."
"Unable to wait so long," wired back the buggy dealer, "cancel order."
The saddest words of tongue or pen May be perhaps, "It might have been," The sweetest words we know, by heck, Are only these "Enclosed find check!"
--_Minne-Ha-Ha_.
COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING
Sir Walter Raleigh had called to take a cup of tea with Queen Elizabeth.
"It was very good of you, Sir Walter," said her Majesty, smiling sweetly upon the gallant Knight, "to ruin your cloak the other day so that my feet should not be wet by that horrid puddle. May I not instruct my Lord High Treasurer to reimburse you for it?"
"Don't mention it, your Majesty," replied Raleigh. "It only cost two and six, and I have already sold it to an American collector for eight thousand pounds."
COLLEGE GRADUATES
"Can't I take your order for one of our encyclopedias!" asked the dapper agent.
"No I guess not," said the busy man. "I might be able to use it a few times, but my son will be home from college in June."
COLLEGE STUDENTS
"Say, dad, remember that story you told me about when you were expelled from college?"
"Yes."
"Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that history repeats itself."
WANTED: Burly beauty-proof individual to read meters in sorority houses. We haven't made a nickel in two years. The Gas Co.--_Michigan Gargoyle_.
FRESHMAN--"I have a sliver in my finger."
SOP--"Been scratching your head?"
STUDE--"Do you smoke, professor?"
PROF.--"Why, yes, I'm very fond of a good cigar."
STUDE--"Do you drink, sir?"
PROF.--"Yes, indeed, I enjoy nothing better than a bottle of wine."
STUDE--"Gee, it's going to cost me something to pass this course."--_Cornell Widow_.
Three boys from Yale, Princeton and Harvard were in a room when a lady entered. The Yale boy asked languidly if some fellow ought not to give a chair to the lady; the Princeton boy slowly brought one, and the Harvard boy deliberately sat down in it.--_Life_.
A college professor was one day nearing the close of a history lecture and was indulging in one of those rhetorical climaxes in which he delighted when the hour struck. The students immediately began to slam down the movable arms of their lecture chairs and to prepare to leave.
The professor, annoyed at the interruption of his flow of eloquence, held up his hand:
"Wait just one minute, gentlemen. I have a few more pearls to cast."
When Rutherford B. Hayes was a student at college it was his custom to take a walk before breakfast.
One morning two of his student friends went with him. After walking a short distance they met an old man with a long white beard. Thinking that they would have a little fun at the old man's expense, the first one bowed to him very gracefully and said: "Good morning, Father Abraham."
The next one made a low bow and said: "Good morning, Father Isaac."
Young Hayes then made his bow and said: "Good morning Father Jacob."
The old man looked at them a moment and then said: "Young men, I am neither Abraham, Isaac nor Jacob. I am Saul, the son of Kish, and I am out looking for my father's asses, and lo, I have found them."
A western college boy amused himself by writing stories and giving them to papers for nothing. His father objected and wrote to the boy that he was wasting his time. In answer the college lad wrote:
"So, dad, you think I am wasting my time in writing for the local papers and cite Johnson's saying that the man who writes, except for money, is a fool. I shall act upon Doctor Johnson's suggestion and write for money. Send me fifty dollars."
The president of an eastern university had just announced in chapel that the freshman class was the largest enrolled in the history of the institution. Immediately he followed the announcement by reading the text for the morning: "Lord, how are they increased that trouble me!"
STUDE.--"Is it possible to confide a secret to you?"
FRIEND--"Certainly. I will be as silent as the grave."
STUDE--"Well, then, I have a pressing need for two bucks."
FRIEND--"Do not worry. It is as if I had heard nothing." --_-Michigan Gargoyle_.
"Why did you come to college, anyway? You are not studying," said the Professor.
"Well," said Willie, "I don't know exactly myself. Mother says it is to fit me for the Presidency; Uncle Bill, to sow my wild oats; Sis, to get a chum for her to marry, and Pa, to bankrupt the family."
A young Irishman at college in want of twenty-five dollars wrote to his uncle as follows:
"Dear Uncle.--If you could see how I blush for shame while I am writing, you would pity me. Do you know why? Because I have to ask you for a few dollars, and do not know how to express myself. It is impossible for me to tell you. I prefer to die. I send you this by messenger, who will wait for an answer. Believe me, my dearest uncle, your most obedient and affectionate nephew.
"P.S.--Overcome with shame for what I have written, I have been running after the messenger in order to take the letter from him, but I cannot catch him. Heaven grant that something may happen to stop him, or that this letter may get lost."
The uncle was naturally touched, but was equal to the emergency. He replied as follows:
"My Dear Jack--Console yourself and blush no more. Providence has heard your prayers. The messenger lost your letter. Your affectionate uncle."
The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term. He dwelt with much emphasis on the fact that each student should devote all the intervening time preparing for the final examinations.
"The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are there any questions to be asked?"
Silence prevailed. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired:
"Who's the printer?"
It was Commencement Day at a well-known woman's college, and the father of one of the young women came to attend the graduation exercises. He was presented to the president, who said, "I congratulate you, sir, upon your extremely large and affectionate family."
"Large and affectionate?" he stammered and looking very much surprised.
"Yes, indeed," said the president. "No less than twelve of your daughter's brothers have called frequently during the winter to take her driving and sleighing, while your eldest son escorted her to the theater at least twice a week. Unusually nice brothers they are."
The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its great scholars great men.--_O.W. Holmes_.
_See also_ Harvard university; Scholarship.
COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES
The college is a coy maid-- She has a habit quaint Of making eyes at millionaires And winking at the taint.
--_Judge_.
"What is a 'faculty'?"
"A 'faculty' is a body of men surrounded by red tape."--_Cornell Widow_.
Yale University is to have a ton of fossils. Whether for the faculty or for the museums is not announced.--_The Atlanta Journal_.
FIRST TRUSTEE--"But this ancient institution of learning will fail unless something is done."
SECOND TRUSTEE--"True; but what can we do? We have already raised the tuition until it is almost 1 per cent of the fraternity fees."--_Puck_.
The president of the university had dark circles under his eyes. His cheek was pallid; his lips were trembling; he wore a hunted expression.
"You look ill," said his wife. "What is wrong, dear?"
"Nothing much," he replied. "But--I--I had a fearful dream last night, and I feel this morning as if I--as if I--" It was evident that his nervous system was shattered.
"What was the dream?" asked his wife.
"I--I--dreamed the trustees required that--that I should--that I should pass the freshman examination for--admission!" sighed the president.
COMMON SENSE
A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small town. It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it was that it was a chemical laboratory. An old farmer, driving past the place after work had been started, and seeing a man in the doorway, called to him:
"What be ye doin' in this place?"
"We are searching for a universal solvent--something that will dissolve all things," said the chemist.
"What good will thet be?"
"Imagine, sir! It will dissolve all things. If we want a solution of iron, glass, gold--anything, all that we have to do is to drop it in this solution."
"Fine," said the farmer, "fine! What be ye goin' to keep it in?"
COMMUTERS
BRIGGS--"Is it true that you have broken off your engagement to that girl who lives in the suburbs?"
GRIGGS--"Yes; they raised the commutation rates on me and I have transferred to a town girl."
"I see you carrying home a new kind of breakfast food," remarked the first commuter.
"Yes," said the second commuter, "I was missing too many trains. The old brand required three seconds to prepare. You can fix this new brand in a second and a half."
After the sermon on Sunday morning the rector welcomed and shook hands with a young German.
"And are you a regular communicant?" said the rector. "Yes," said the German: "I take the 7:45 every morning."--_M.L. Hayward_.
A suburban train was slowly working its way through one of the blizzards of 1894. Finally it came to a dead stop and all efforts to start it again were futile.
In the wee, small hours of the morning a weary commuter, numb from the cold and the cramped position in which he had tried to sleep, crawled out of the train and floundered through the heavy snow-drifts to the nearest telegraph station. This is the message he handed to the operator:
"Will not be at office to-day. Not home yesterday yet."
A nervous commuter on his dark, lonely way home from the railroad station heard footsteps behind him. He had an uncomfortable feeling that he was being followed. He increased his speed. The footsteps quickened accordingly. The commuter darted down a lane. The footsteps still pursued him. In desperation he vaulted over a fence and, rushing into a churchyard, threw himself panting on one of the graves.
"If he follows me here," he thought fearfully, "there can be no doubt as to his intentions."
The man behind was following. He could hear him scrambling over the fence. Visions of highwaymen, maniacs, garroters and the like flashed through his brain. Quivering with fear, the nervous one arose and faced his pursuer.
"What do you want?" he demanded. "Wh-why are you following me?"
"Say," asked the stranger, mopping his brow, "do you always go home like this? I'm going up to Mr. Brown's and the man at the station told me to follow you, as you lived next door. Excuse my asking you, but is there much more to do before we get there?"
COMPARISONS
A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat.
"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'd look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk."
A well-known author tells of an English spinster who said, as she watched a great actress writhing about the floor as Cleopatra:
"How different from the home life of our late dear queen!"
"Darling," whispered the ardent suitor, "I lay my fortune at your feet."
"Your fortune?" she replied in surprise. "I didn't know you had one."
"Well, it isn't much of a fortune, but it will look large besides those tiny feet."
"Girls make me tired," said the fresh young man. "They are always going to palmists to have their hands read."
"Indeed!" said she sweetly; "is that any worse than men going into saloons to get their noses red?"
A friend once wrote Mark Twain a letter saying that he was in very bad health, and concluding: "Is there anything worse than having toothache and earache at the same time?"
The humorist wrote back: "Yes, rheumatism and Saint Vitus's dance."
The Rev. Dr. William Emerson, of Boston, son of Ralph Waldo Emerson, recently made a trip through the South, and one Sunday attended a meeting in a colored church. The preacher was a white man, however, a white man whose first name was George, and evidently a prime favorite with the colored brethren. When the service was over Dr. Emerson walked home behind two members of the congregation, and overheard this conversation: "Massa George am a mos' pow'ful preacher." "He am dat." "He's mos's pow'ful as Abraham Lincoln." "Huh! He's mo' pow'ful dan Lincoln." "He's mos' 's pow'ful as George Washin'ton." "Huh! He's mo' pow'ful dan Washin'ton." "Massa George ain't quite as pow'ful as God." "N-n-o, not quite. But he's a young man yet."
Is it possible your pragmatical worship should not know that the comparisons made between wit and wit, courage and courage, beauty and beauty, birth and birth, are always odious and ill taken?--_Cervantes_.
COMPENSATION
"Speakin' of de law of compensation," said Uncle Eben, "an automobile goes faster dan a mule, but at de same time it hits harder and balks longer."
COMPETITION
A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl--now fifteen--had been the pet of the family. Every one made much of her, but when there was a new baby she felt rather neglected.
"How are you, Mary?" a visitor asked of her one afternoon.
"Oh, I'm all right," she said, "except that I think there is too much competition in this world."
A farmer during a long-continued drought invented a machine for watering his fields. The very first day while he was trying it there suddenly came a downpour of rain. He put away his machine.
"It's no use," he said; "you can do nothing nowadays without competition."
COMPLIMENTS
Supper was in progress, and the father was telling about a row which took place in front of his store that morning: "The first thing I saw was one man deal the other a sounding blow, and then a crowd gathered. The man who was struck ran and grabbed a large shovel he had been using on the street, and rushed back, his eyes blazing fiercely. I thought he'd surely knock the other man's brains out, and I stepped right in between them."
The young son of the family had become so hugely interested in the narrative as it proceeded that he had stopped eating his pudding. So proud was he of his father's valor, his eyes fairly shone, and he cried:
"He couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, Father?"
Father looked at him long and earnestly, but the lad's countenance was frank and open.
Father gasped slightly, and resumed his supper.
_See also_ Tact.
COMPOSERS
Recipe for the musical comedy composer:
Librettos of all of the operas, Some shears and a bottle of paste, Curry the hits of last season, Add tumpty-tee tra la to taste.
--_Life_.
COMPROMISES
Boss--"There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you and I were the only people who had keys to that drawer."
Office Boy--"Well, s'pose we each pay $5 and say no more about it."
CONFESSIONS
"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he get--five years?"
"No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the magazines."--_Puck_.
Little Ethel had been brought up with a firm hand and was always taught to report misdeeds promptly. One afternoon she came sobbing penitently to her mother.
"Mother, I--I broke a brick in the fireplace."
"Well, it might be worse. But how on earth did you do it, Ethel?"
"I pounded it with your watch."
"Confession is good for the soul."
"Yes, but it's bad for the reputation."
CONGRESS
Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiring valuable information and then doing nothing about it.--_Life_.
"Judging from the stuff printed in the newspapers," says a congressman, "we are a pretty bad lot. Almost in the class a certain miss whom I know unconsciously puts us in. It was at a recent examination at her school that the question was put, 'Who makes the laws of our government?'
"'Congress,' was the united reply.
"'How is Congress divided?' was the next query.
"My young friend raised her hand.
"'Well,' said the teacher, 'what do you say the answer is?'
"Instantly, with an air of confidence as well as triumph, the Miss replied, 'Civilized, half civilized, and savage.'"
CONGRESSMEN
It was at a banquet in Washington given to a large body of congressmen, mostly from the rural districts. The tables were elegant, and it was a scene of fairy splendor; but on one table there were no decorations but palm leaves.
"Here," said a congressman to the head waiter, "why don't you put them things on our table too?" pointing to the plants.
The head waiter didn't know he was a congressman.
"We cain't do it, boss," he whispered confidentially; "dey's mostly congressmen at 'dis table, an' if we put pa'ms on de table dey take um for celery an' eat um all up sho. 'Deed dey would, boss. We knows 'em."
Representative X, from North Carolina, was one night awakened by his wife, who whispered, "John, John, get up! There are robbers in the house."
"Robbers?" he said. "There may be robbers in the Senate, Mary; but not in the House! It's preposterous!"--_John N. Cole, Jr_.
Champ Clark loves to tell of how in the heat of a debate Congressman Johnson of Indiana called an Illinois representative a jackass. The expression was unparliamentary, and in retraction Johnson said:
"While I withdraw the unfortunate word, Mr. Speaker, I must insist that the gentleman from Illinois is out of order."
"How am I out of order?" yelled the man from Illinois.
"Probably a veterinary surgeon could tell you," answered Johnson, and that was parliamentary enough to stay on the record.
A Georgia Congressman had put up at an American-plan hotel in New York. When, upon sitting down at dinner the first evening of his stay, the waiter obsequiously handed him a bill of fare, the Congressman tossed it aside, slipped the waiter a dollar bill, and said, "Bring me a good dinner."
The dinner proving satisfactory, the Southern member pursued this plan during his entire stay in New York. As the last tip was given, he mentioned that he was about to return to Washington.
Whereupon, the waiter, with an expression of great earnestness, said:
"Well, sir, when you or any of your friends that can't read come to New York, just ask for Dick."
CONSCIENCE
The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use of the telephone.
A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in an office across the street that made him rub his eyes and look again. Yes, there was no doubt about it. The pretty stenographer was sitting upon the gentleman's lap. The lawyer noticed the name that was lettered on the window and then searched in the telephone book. Still keeping his eye upon the scene across the street, he called the gentleman up. In a few moments he saw him start violently and take down the receiver.
"Yes," said the lawyer through the telephone, "I should think you would start."
The victim whisked his arm from its former position and began to stammer something.
"Yes," continued the lawyer severely, "I think you'd better take that arm away. And while you're about it, as long as there seems to be plenty of chairs in the room--"
The victim brushed the lady from his lap, rather roughly, it is to be feared. "Who--who the devil is this, anyhow?" he managed to splutter.
"I," answered the lawyer in deep, impressive tones, "am your conscience!"
A quiet conscience makes one so serene! Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded That all the Apostles would have done as they did.
--_Byron_.
Oh, Conscience! Conscience! man's most faithful friend, Him canst thou comfort, ease, relieve, defend; But if he will thy friendly checks forego, Thou art, oh! woe for me his deadliest foe!
--_Crabbe_.
CONSEQUENCES
A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference between the words "results" and "consequences."
A bright girl replied, "Results are what you expect, and consequences are what you get."
Consequences are unpitying. Our deeds carry their terrible consequences, quite apart from any fluctuations that went before--consequences that are hardly ever confined to ourselves.--_George Eliot_.
CONSIDERATION
The goose had been carved at the Christmas dinner and everybody had tasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the guest of honor, could not restrain his enthusiasm.
"Dat's as fine a goose as I evah see, Bruddah Williams," he said to his host. "Whar did you git such a fine goose?"
"Well, now, Pahson," replied the carver of the goose, exhibiting great dignity and reticence, "when you preaches a speshul good sermon I never axes you whar you got it. I hopes you will show me de same considerashion."