Part 29

Said a great Congregational preacher To a hen, "You're a beautiful creature." And the hen, just for that, Laid an egg in his hat, And thus did the Hen reward Beecher.

RHEUMATISM

FARMER BARNES--"I've bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell when it's going to rain, ye know."

MRS. BARNES--"To tell when it's goin' to rain! Why, I never heard o' such extravagance. What do ye s'pose th' Lord has given ye th' rheumatis for?"--_Tit-Bits_.

ROADS

A Yankee just returning to the states was dining with an Englishman, and the latter complained of the mud in America.

"Yes," said the American, "but it's nothing to the mud over here."

"Nonsense!" said the Englishman.

"Fact," the American replied. "Why, this afternoon I had a remarkable adventure--came near getting into trouble with an old gentleman--all through your confounded mud."

"Some of the streets are a little greasy at this season, I admit," said the Englishman. "What was your adventure, though?"

"Well," said the American, "as I was walking along I noticed that the mud was very thick, and presently I saw a high hat afloat on a large puddle of very rich ooze. Thinking to do some one a kindness, I gave the hat a poke with my stick, when an old gentleman looked up from beneath, surprised and frowning. 'Hello!' I said. 'You're in pretty deep!' 'Deeper than you think,' he said. 'I'm on the top of an omnibus!'"

ROASTS

As William Faversham was having his luncheon in a Birmingham hotel he was much annoyed by another visitor, who, during the whole of the meal, stood with his back to the fire warming himself and watching Faversham eat. At length, unable to endure it any longer, Mr. Faversham rang the bell and said:

"Waiter, kindly turn that gentleman around. I think he is done on that side."

ROOSEVELT, THEODORE

A delegation from Kansas visited Theodore Roosevelt at Oyster Bay some years ago, while he was president. The host met them with coat and collar off, mopping his brow.

"Ah, gentlemen," he said, "dee-lighted to see you. Dee-lighted. But I'm very busy putting in my hay just now. Come down to the barn with me and we'll talk things over while I work."

Down to the barn hustled President and delegation.

Mr. Roosevelt seized a pitchfork and--but where was the hay?

"John!" shouted the President. "John! where's all the hay?"

"Sorry, sir," came John's voice from the loft, "but I ain't had time to throw it back since you threw it up for yesterday's delegation."

SALARIES

A country school-teacher was cashing her monthly check at the bank. The teller apologized for the filthy condition of the bills, saying, "I hope you're not afraid of microbes."

"Not a bit of it," the schoolma'am replied. "I'm sure no microbe could live on my salary!"--_Frances Kirkland_.

SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP

A darky fruit-dealer in Georgia has a sign above his wares that reads:

Watermelons

Our choice 25 cents.

Your choice 35 cents.

--_Elgin Burroughs_.

The quick wit of a traveling salesman who has since become a well-known merchant was severely tested one day. He sent in his card by the office-boy to the manager of a large concern, whose inner office was separated from the waiting-room by a ground-glass partition. When the boy handed his card to the manager the salesman saw him impatiently tear it in half and throw it in the waste-basket; the boy came out and told the caller that he could not see the chief. The salesman told the boy to go back and get him his card; the boy brought out five cents, with the message that his card was torn up. Then the salesman took out another card and sent the boy back, saying: "Tell your boss I sell two cards for five cents."

He got his interview and sold a large bill of goods.

A young man entered a hat store and asked to see the latest styles in derbies. He was evidently hard to please, for soon the counter was covered with hats that he had tried on and found wanting. At last the salesman picked up a brown derby, brushed it off on his sleeve, and extended it admiringly.

"These are being very much worn this season, sir," he said. "Won't you try it on?"

The customer put the hat on and surveyed himself critically in the mirror. "You're sure it's in style?"

"The most fashionable thing we have in the shop, sir. And it suits you to perfection--if the fit's right."

"Yes, it fits very well. So you think I had better have it?"

"I don't think you could do better."

"No, I don't think I could. So I guess I won't buy a new one after all."

The salesman had been boosting the customer's old hat, which had become mixed among the many new ones.

VISITOR--"Can I see that motorist who was brought here an hour ago?"

NURSE--"He hasn't come to his senses yet."

VISITOR--"Oh, that's all right. I only want to sell him another car."--_Judge_.

"That fellow is too slick for me. Sold me a lot that was two feet under water. I went around to demand my money back."

"Get it?"

"Get nothing! Then he sold me a second-hand gasoline launch and a copy of 'Venetian Life,' by W.D. Howells."

In a small South Carolina town that was "finished" before the war, two men were playing checkers in the back of a store. A traveling man who was making his first trip to the town was watching the game, and, not being acquainted with the business methods of the citizens, he called the attention of the owner of the store to some customers who had just entered the front door.

"Sh! Sh!" answered the storekeeper, making another move on the checkerboard. "Keep perfectly quiet and they'll go out."

He who finds he has something to sell, And goes and whispers it down a well, Is not so apt to collar the dollars, As he who climbs a tree and hollers.

--_The Advertiser_

SALOONS

"Where can I get a drink in this town?" asked a traveling man who landed at a little town in the oil region of Oklahoma, of the 'bus driver.

"See that millinery shop over there?" asked the driver, pointing to a building near the depot.

"You don't mean to say they sell whiskey in a millinery store?" exclaimed the drummer.

"No, I mean that's the only place here they don't sell it," said the 'bus man.

SALVATION

WILLIS--"Some of these rich fellows seem to think that they can buy their way into heaven by leaving a million dollars to a church when they die."

GILLIS--"I don't know but that they stand as much chance as some of these other rich fellows who are trying to get in on the instalment plan of ten cents a Sunday while they're living."--_Lauren S. Hamilton_.

An Italian noble at church one day gave a priest who begged for the souls in purgatory, a piece of gold.

"Ah, my lord," said the good father, "you have now delivered a soul."

The count threw another piece upon the plate.

"Here is another soul delivered," said the priest.

"Are you positive of it?" replied the count.

"Yes, my lord," replied the priest; "I am certain they are now in heaven."

"Then," said the count, "I'll take back my money, for it signifies nothing to you now, seeing the souls have already got to heaven."

An Episcopal missionary in Wyoming visited one of the outlying districts in his territory for the purpose of conducting prayer in the home of a large family not conspicuous for its piety. He made known his intentions to the woman of the house, and she murmured vaguely that "she'd go out and see." She was long in returning, and after a tiresome wait the missionary went to the door and called with some impatience:

"Aren't you coming in? Don't you care anything about your souls?"

"Souls?" yelled the head of the family from the orchard. "We haven't got time to fool with our souls when the bees are swarmin'."

Edith was light-hearted and merry over everything. Nothing appealed to her seriously. So, one day, her mother decided to invite a very serious young parson to dinner, and he was placed next the light-hearted girl. Everything went well until she asked him:

"You speak of everybody having a mission. What is yours?"

"My mission," said the parson, "is to save young men."

"Good," replied the girl, "I'm glad to meet you. I wish you'd save one for me."

SAVING

Take care of the pennies and the dollars will be blown in by your heirs.--_Puck_.

"Do you save up money for a rainy day, dear?"

"Oh, no! I never shop when it rains."

JOHNNY--"Papa, would you be glad if I saved a dollar for you?"

PAPA--"Certainly, my son."

JOHNNY--"Well, I saved it for you, all right. You said if I brought a first-class report from my teacher this week you would give me a dollar, and I didn't bring it."

According to the following story, economy has its pains as well as its pleasures, even after the saving is done.

One spring, for some reason, old Eli was going round town with the face of dissatisfaction, and, when questioned, poured forth his voluble tale of woe thus:

"Marse Geo'ge, he come to me last fall an' he say, 'Eli, dis gwine ter be a hard winter, so yo' be keerful, an' save yo' wages fas' an' tight.'

"An' I b'lieve Marse Geo'ge, yas, sah, I b'lieve him, an' I save an' I save, an' when de winter come it ain't got no hardship, an' dere was I wid all dat money jes' frown on mah hands!"

"Robert dear," said the coy little maiden to her sweetheart, "I'm sure you love me; but give me some proof of it, darling. We can't marry on fifteen dollars a week, you know."

"Well, what do you want me to do?" said he, with a grieved air.

"Why, save up a thousand dollars, and have it safe in the bank, and then I'll marry you."

About two months later she cuddled up close to him on the sofa one evening, and said:

"Robert dear, have you saved up that thousand yet?"

"Why, no, my love," he replied; "not all of it."

"How much have you saved, darling?"

"Just two dollars and thirty-five cents, dear."

"Oh, well," said the sweet young thing as she snuggled a little closer, "don't let's wait any longer, darling. I guess that'll do."--_R.M. Winans_.

_See_ also Economy; Thrift.

SCANDAL

An ill wind that blows nobody good.

SCHOLARSHIP

There is in Washington an old "grouch' whose son was graduated from Yale. When the young man came home at the end of his first term, he exulted in the fact that he stood next to the head of his class. But the old gentleman was not satisfied.

"_Next_ to the head!" he exclaimed. "What do you mean? I'd like to know what you think I'm sending you to college for? _Next_ to the head! Why aren't you at the head, where you ought to be?"

At this the son was much crestfallen; but upon his return, he went about his work with such ambition that at the end of the term he found himself in the coveted place. When he went home that year he felt very proud. It would be great news for the old man.

When the announcement was made, the father contemplated his son for a few minutes in silence; then, with a shrug, he remarked:

"At the head of the class, eh? Well, that's a fine commentary on Yale University!"--_Howard Morse_.

"Well, there were only three boys in school to-day who could answer one question that the teacher asked us," said a proud boy of eight.

"And I hope my boy was one of the three," said the proud mother.

"Well, I was," answered Young Hopeful, "and Sam Harris and Harry Stone were the other two."

"I am very glad you proved yourself so good a scholar, my son; it makes your mother proud of you. What question did the teacher ask, Johnnie?"

"'Who broke the glass in the back window?'"

Sammy's mother was greatly distressed because he had such poor marks in his school work. She scolded, coaxed, even promised him a dime if he would do better. The next day he came running home.

"Oh, mother," he shouted, "I got a hundred!"

"And what did you get a hundred in?"

"In two things," replied Sammy without hesitation. "I got forty in readin' and sixty in spellin'."

Who ceases to be a student has never been one.--_George Iles_.

_See also_ College students.

SCHOOLS

"Mamma," complained little Elsie, "I don't feel very well." "That's too bad, dear," said mother sympathetically. "Where do you feel worst?"

"In school, mamma."

SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT

The late Sylvanus Miller, civil engineer, who was engaged in railroad enterprise in Central America, was seeking local support for a road and attempted to give the matter point. He asked a native:

"How long does it take you to carry your goods to market by muleback?"

"Three days," was the reply.

"There's the point," said Miller. "With our road in operation you could take your goods to market and be back home in one day."

"Very good, senor," answered the native. "But what would we do with the other two days?"

A visitor from New York to the suburbs said to his host during the afternoon:

"By the way, your front gate needs repairing. It was all I could do to get it open. You ought to have it trimmed or greased or something."

"Oh, no," replied the owner "Oh, no, that's all right."

"Why is it?" asked the visitor.

"Because," was the reply, "every one who comes through that gate pumps two buckets of water into the tank on the roof."

SCOTCH, THE

A Scotsman is one who prays on his knees on Sunday and preys on his neighbors on week days.

It being the southerner's turn, he told about a county in Missouri so divided in sentiment that year after year the vote of a single man prohibits the sale of liquor there. "And what," he asked, "do you suppose is the name of the chap who keeps a whole county dry?"

Nobody had an idea.

"Mackintosh, as I'm alive!" declared the southerner.

Everybody laughed except the Englishman. "It's just like a Scotsman to be so obstinate!" he sniffed, and was much astonished when the rest of the party laughed more than ever.

A Scottish minister, taking his walk early in the morning, found one of his parishioners recumbent in a ditch.

"Where hae you been the nicht, Andrew?" asked the minister.

"Weel, I dinna richtly ken," answered the prostrate one, "whether it was a wedding' or a funeral, but whichever it was it was a most extraordinary success."

_See also_ Thrift.

SEASICKNESS

A Philadelphian, on his way to Europe, was experiencing seasickness for the first time. Calling his wife to his bedside, he said in a weak voice: "Jennie, my will is in the Commercial Trust Company's care. Everything is left to you, dear. My various stocks you will find in my safe-deposit box." Then he said fervently: "And, Jenny, bury me on the other side. I can't stand this trip again, alive or dead."--_Joe King_.

Motto for the dining saloon of an ocean steamship: "Man wants but little here below, nor wants that little long."

On the steamer the little bride was very much concerned about her husband, who was troubled with dyspepsia.

"My husband is peculiarly liable to seasickness, Captain," remarked the bride. "Could you tell him what to do in case of an attack?"

"That won't be necessary, Madam," replied the Captain; "he'll do it."

A clergyman who was holding a children's service at a Continental winter resort had occasion to catechize his hearers on the parable, of the unjust steward. "What is a steward?" he asked.

A little boy who had arrived from England a few days before held up his hand. "He is a man, sir," he replied, with a reminiscent look on his face, "who brings you a basin."

"The first day out was perfectly lovely," said the young lady just back from abroad. "The water was as smooth as glass, and it was simply gorgeous. But the second day was rough and--er--decidedly disgorgeous."

The great ocean liner rolled and pitched.

"Henry," faltered the young bride, "do you still love me?"

"More than ever, darling!" was Henry's fervent answer.

Then there was an eloquent silence.

"Henry," she gasped, turning her pale, ghastly face away, "I thought that would make me feel better, but it doesn't!"

There was a young man from Ostend, Who vowed he'd hold out to the end; But when half way over From Calais to Dover, He did what he didn't intend.

SEASONS

There was a young fellow named Hall, Who fell in the spring in the fall; 'Twould have been a sad thing If he'd died in the spring, But he didn't--he died in the fall.

SENATORS

A Senator is very often a man who has risen from obscurity to something worse.

"You have been conspicuous in the halls of legislation, have you not?" said the young woman who asks all sorts of questions.

"Yes, miss," answered Senator Sorghum, blandly; "I think I have

## participated in some of the richest hauls that legislation ever made."

An aviator alighted on a field and said to a rather well-dressed individual: "Here, mind my machine a minute, will you?"

"What?" the well-dressed individual snarled. "Me mind your machine? Why, I'm a United States Senator!"

"Well, what of it?" said the aviator. "I'll trust you."

SENSE OF HUMOR

"What of his sense of humor?" "Well, he has to see a joke twice before he sees it once."

--_Richard Kirk_.

"A sense of humor is a help and a blessing through life," says Rear Admiral Buhler. "But even a sense of humor may exist in excess. I have in mind the case of a British soldier who was sentenced to be flogged. During the flogging he laughed continually. The harder the lash was laid on, the harder the soldier laughed.

"'Wot's so funny about bein' flogged?' demanded the sergeant.

"'Why,' the soldier chuckled, 'I'm the wrong man.'"

Mark Twain once approached a friend, a business man, and confided to him that he needed the assistance of a stenographer.

"I can send you one, a fine young fellow," the friend said, "He came to my office yesterday in search of a position, but I didn't have an opening."

"Has he a sense of humor?" Mark asked cautiously.

"A sense of humor? He has--in fact, he got off one or two pretty witty things himself yesterday," the friend hastened to assure him.

"Sorry, but he won't do, then," Mark said.

"Won't do? Why?"

"No," said Mark. "I had one once before with a sense of humor, and it interfered too much with the work. I cannot afford to pay a man two dollars a day for laughing."

The perception of the ludicrous is a pledge of sanity.--_Emerson_.

SENTRIES

_See_ Armies.

SERMONS

_See_ Preaching.

SERVANTS

TOMMY--"Pop, what is it that the Bible says is here to-day and gone to-morrow?"

POP--"Probably the cook, my son."

As usual, they began discussing the play after the theater. "Well, how did you like the piece, my dear?" asked the fond husband who had always found his wife a good critic.

"Very much. There's only one improbable thing in it: the second act takes place two years after the first, and they have the same servant."

SMITH--"We are certainly in luck with our new cook--soup, meat, vegetables and dessert, everything perfect!"

MRS. S.--"Yes, but the dessert was made by her successor."

THE NEW GIRL--"An' may me intended visit me every Sunday afternoon, ma'am?"

MISTRESS--"Who is your intended, Delia?"

THE NEW GIRL--"I don't know yet, ma'am. I'm a stranger in town."

"And do you have to be called in the morning?" asked the lady who was about to engage a new girl.

"I don't has to be, mum," replied the applicant, "unless you happens to need me."

A maid dropped and broke a beautiful platter at a dinner recently. The host did not permit a trifle like this to ruffle him in the least.

"These little accidents happen 'most every day," he said apologetically. "You see, she isn't a trained waitress. She was a dairymaid originally, but she had to abandon that occupation on account of her inability to handle the cows without breaking their horns."

Young housewives obliged to practice strict economy will sympathize with the sad experience of a Washington woman.

When her husband returned home one evening he found her dissolved in tears, and careful questioning elicited the reason for her grief.

"Dan," said she, "every day this week I have stopped to look at a perfect love of a hat in Mme. Louise's window. Such a hat, Dan, such a beautiful hat! But the price--well, I wanted it the worst way, but just couldn't afford to buy it."

"Well, dear," began the husband recklessly, "we might manage to--"

"Thank you, Dan," interrupted the wife, "but there isn't any 'might' about it. I paid the cook this noon, and what do you think? She marched right down herself and bought that hat!"--_Edwin Tarrisse_.

It is probable that many queens of the kitchen share the sentiment good-naturedly expressed by a Scandinavian servant, recently taken into the service of a young matron of Chicago.

The youthful assumer of household cares was disposed to be a trifle patronizing.

"Now, Lena," she asked earnestly, "are you a _good_ cook?"

"Ya-as, 'm, I tank so," said the girl, with perfect naiveté, "if you vill not try to help me."--_Elgin Burroughs_.

"Have you a good cook now?"

"I don't know. I haven't been home since breakfast!"

MRS. LITTLETOWN--"This magazine looks rather the worse for wear."

MRS. NEARTOWN--"Yes, it's the one I sometimes lend to the servant on Sundays."

MRS. LITTLETOWN--"Doesn't she get tired of always reading the same one?"

MRS. NEARTOWN--"Oh, no. You see, it's the same book, but it's always a different servant."--_Suburban Life_.

MRS. HOUSEN HOHM--"What is your name?"

APPLICANT FOR COOKSHIP--"Miss Arlington."

MRS. HOUSEN HOHM--"Do you expect to be called Miss Arlington?"

APPLICANT---"No, ma'am; not if you have an alarm clock in my room."

MISTRESS--"Nora, I saw a policeman in the park to-day kiss a baby. I hope you will remember my objection to such things."

NORA--"Sure, ma'am, no policeman would ever think iv kissin' yer baby whin I'm around."

_See also_ Gratitude; Recommendations.

SHOPPING

CLERK--"Can you let me off to-morrow afternoon? My wife wants me to go shopping with her."

EMPLOYER--"Certainly not. We are much too busy."

CLERK--"Thank you very much, sir. You are very kind!"

SHYNESS

The late "lan Maclaren" (Dr. John Watson) once told this story on himself to some friends:

"I was coming over on the steamer to America, when one day I went into the library to do some literary work. I was very busy and looked so, I suppose. I had no sooner started to write than a diffident-looking young man plumped into the chair opposite me, began twirling his cap and stared at me. I let him sit there. An hour or more passed, and he was still there, returning my occasional and discouraging glances at him with a foolish, ingratiating smile. I was inclined to be annoyed. I had a suspicion that he was a reader of my books, perhaps an admirer--or an autograph-hunter. He could wait. But at last he rose, and still twirling his cap, he spoke: