Part 10

Two of the authorities quoted by Havelock Ellis on p. 97 of the foregoing _Excursus_ merit further brief mention. Martin Schurig, author of _Parthenologia_ and numerous other medical works, flourished as a physician in Dresden between 1688 and 1733. Although many of his theories have long since been exploded, his great erudition is much to be admired. His books deal with the most amazing questions; among the many curious passages in _Parthenologia_ will be found the following: “Chastity put to the proof by a hot iron and boiling water.”; “Conception without insertion of the _penis_.”; “Andramytes, King of the Lydori, was the inventor of castration of women, and Semiramis of that of men.” Dr. Sinibaldus’ _Geneanthropeia_, published in 1642, is a very remarkable work on physical love and its aberrations, treating, for example, of “The shape of the Phallu.”; “Eunuchis.”; “Aphrodisiac.”; “Influence of the Stars on Copulatio.”; “Effects and manner of Copulatio.”; “Pleasure of Copulation as enjoyed by man and woman.” Little is known of Sinibaldus’ life beyond that he was a doctor at Rome. His _Geneanthropeia_, according to Pisanus Fraxi, (_Index Librorum Prohibitorum_: London, 1877), has been rendered, in a very emasculated form, into English, under the title of _Rare Verities. The Cabinet of Venus Unlocked_: London, 1658. The volume is rare, but a copy is to be found in the British Museum.

THE FOOL.[75]

[75] _Kruptadia_: Heilbronn, Henninger Frères, 1883: vol. 1, _Secret Stories from the Russian_, No. 12.

A peasant and his wife had a half-witted son, who pictured himself married and sleeping with his wife. He spoke of this matter to his father.

“Marry me, little father,” he said.

Said the little father:

“Wait, my son. You are still too young to marry. Thy yard hath not yet reached to thy backside. When it doth reach there, I will marry thee.”

The son seized his yard with his two hands, stretched it with all his strength, and inspected it.

“‘Tis true,” quoth he. “It hath not yet reached to my backside. ‘Tis still too soon for me to marry. My yard is yet small. It reacheth not to my backside. I must wait a year or two.”

Time passed. The youth had naught to do but lengthen his yard; and he did it so often and so well that not only did his yard reach to his backside, but even passed beyond it.

“I shall have no shame in sleeping with my wife,” said he. “I will satisfy her myself. She will have no need to resort to strangers.”

“Vain to expect sense on the part of a fool,” argued the father to himself; and he spake his son, saying:

“Since thy yard is become so great that it passeth beyond thy backside, there is no need for thee to marry. Live single, rest at home, and futter thyself.”

Thus the matter ended.[76]

[76] Stories of sexual ignorance, amounting in the case of men to veritable imbecility, are numerous in _Kruptadia_. In Vol. X., _Stories of Picardy_, we have the tale of a young girl who had been seduced, but had married a half-witted youth, whom she was forced to instruct in the art of love. When they were in bed together, “she showed him how children are made--a business entirely unknown to him. After the explanations had been given in theory, the husband mounted upon his wife, desiring to show that he had learned his lesson well; but the young wife cried out in surprise: ‘’Tis too high! ‘Tis too high!’ An instant later she was forced to say: ‘’Tis too low! ‘Tis too low!’ Several other of his efforts having failed, she told her husband that he did but knock at the side of the door. Whereat the latter, aweary of ‘Too high’ and ‘Too low,’ exclaimed: ‘Since thou knowest the spot so well, put it there thyself!’”

“OH MOTHER, ROGER WITH HIS KISSES.”[77]

[77] J. S. Farmer: _Merry Songs and Ballads_: _Privately Printed_, 1897: Words and Music in _Pills to Purge Melancholy_, (1707), 1, 214.

Oh Mother, _Roger_ with his Kisses Almost stops my Breath, I vow; Why does he gripe my Hand to pieces, And yet he says he loves me too? Tell me, Mother, pray now do! Pray now do, pray now do, Tell me, Mother, pray now do, Pray now, pray now, pray now do, What Roger means when he does so? For never stir I long to know.

Nay more, the naughty Man beside it, Something in my Mouth he put; I call’d him Beast, and try’d to Bite it, But for my Life I cannot do’t; Tell me, Mother, pray now do! Pray now do, pray now do, Tell me, Mother, pray now do, Pray now, pray now, pray now do, What Roger means when he does so? For never stir I long to know.

He sets me in his Lap whole Hours, Where I feel I know not what; Something I never felt in yours, Pray tell me Mother what is that? Tell me Mother what is that? For never stir I long to know.

FOOLISH FEAR.[78]

[78] _Les Cent Nouvelles Nouvelles_: R. B. Douglas’ translation: Paris, Charles Carrington. _C.f._ note _ante_.

_Of a young man of Rouen, married to a fair young girl of the age of fifteen or thereabouts; and how the mother of the girl wished to have the marriage annulled by the Judge of Rouen, and of the sentence which the said Judge pronounced when he had heard the parties--as you will hear more plainly in the course of the said story._

In the good town of Rouen, not long ago, a young man was married to a fair and tender virgin, aged fifteen, or thereabouts. On the day of the great feast--that is to say, the wedding--the mother of the young girl, as is customary in such places, instructed the bride in all the mysteries of wedlock, and taught her how to behave to her husband on the first night.

The young girl, who was looking forward to the time when she could put these doctrines into practice, took great pains and trouble to remember the lesson given her by her good mother, and it seemed to her that when the time came for her to put these counsels into execution, that she would perform her duties so well that her husband would praise her, and be well pleased with her.

The wedding was performed with all honour and due solemnity, and the desired night came; and soon after the feast was ended, and the young people had withdrawn after having taken leave of the newly married couple, the mother, cousins, neighbours, and other lady friends led the bride to the chamber where she was to spend the night with her husband, where they joyfully divested her of her raiment, and put her to bed, as was right and proper. Then they wished her good-night, and one said:

“My dear, may God give thee joy and pleasure in thy husband, and mayst thou so live with him as to be for the salvation of both your souls.”

Another said:

“My dear, God give thee such peace and happiness with thy husband, that the heavens may be filled with your works.”

And all, having expressed similar wishes, left. The bride’s mother, who remained the last, questioned her daughter if perchance she had remembered the lesson she had been taught. And the girl, who, as the proverb goes, did not carry her tongue in her pocket, replied that she well remembered all that had been told her, and--thank God--had forgotten nothing.

“Well done,” said the mother. “Now I will leave thee, recommending thee to God and praying that He may give thee good luck. Farewell, my dear child.”

“Farewell, my good and wise mother.”

As soon as the schoolmistress[79] had finished, the husband, who was outside the door expecting something better, came in. The mother closed the door, and told him that she hoped he would be gentle with her daughter. He promised that he would, and as soon as he had bolted the door, he--who had nothing on but his doublet--threw it off, jumped on the bed, drew as close as he might to his bride, and, lance in hand, prepared to give battle.

[79] Obviously a play on words, with reference to the lessons in marital duty given by the mother to the daughter.

But when he approached the barrier where the skirmish was to take place, the girl laid hold of his lance, which was as straight and stiff as a cow-keeper’s horn, and when she felt how hard and big it was, she was sore affrighted, and fell to crying aloud, saying that her shield was not of a strength to receive and bear the blows of so huge a weapon.

All his efforts notwithstanding, the husband could not persuade her to joust with him, and this bickering endured throughout the night, without his being able to do aught, which much displeased our bridegroom. Nevertheless, he abode patient, hoping to make up for the time lost on the following night; but ‘twas the same as on the first night, even so on the third, and even so up to the fifteenth, matters remaining just as I have related.

And when fifteen days had passed since the young couple were wed, they still not having come together, the mother came to visit her pupil, and after a thousand questions, spoke to the girl of her husband, demanding what sort of a man he was and whether he did his duty well. And the girl answered that he was very well as a man, and was a quiet and a peaceable.

“But,” said the mother, “doth he do what he ought to do?”

“Yea,” quoth the girl, “but....”

“But _what_?” said the mother. “Thou art keeping something back, I am assured. Tell me forthwith and conceal naught; for I must know now. Is he a man capable of performing his marital duties in the way I taught thee?”

The poor girl, being thus pressed, was obliged to own that he had not yet done the business, but she did not say that she was the cause of the delay, and that she had always refused the combat.

When her mother heard this sad news, God knows what a disturbance she made, swearing by all her gods that she would soon find a remedy for that, for she was well acquainted with the Judge of Rouen, who was her friend, and would favour her cause.

“The marriage must be annulled,” said she, “and I have no doubt but that I shall find a way, and thou mayst be sure, my child, that before two days are past thou wilt be divorced and married to another man, who will not let thee rest in peace all that time. Dost leave the business to me.”

The good woman, half beside herself, went and related her wrong to her husband, the father of the girl, and told him that they had lost their daughter, and adducing many reasons why the marriage should be annulled.

She pleaded her cause so well that her husband took her side, and was content that the bridegroom (who knew no reason why a complaint should be lodged against him) should be cited before the Judge. But, at any rate, he was personally summoned to appear before the Judge, at his wife’s demand, to show cause why he should not leave her, and permit her to marry again, or explain the reason why, in so many days that he had lived with her, he had not demonstrated that he was a man, and performed the duties that a husband should.

When the day came, the parties presented themselves at the proper time and place, and they were called upon to state their case. The mother of the bride began to plead her daughter’s cause, and God knoweth the laws concerning marriage which she quoted, none of which, she maintained, had her son-in-law fulfilled; therefore she demanded that he should be divorced from her daughter forthwith without more ado.

The young man was much astonished to find himself thus attacked, but lost no time in replying to the allegations of his adversary, quietly stating his case, and relating in what wise his wife had always refused him leave to perform his marital duties.

The mother, when she heard this reply, was more wroth than ever, and could scarce bring herself to believe it; and she asked her daughter if that was true which her husband had said.

“Yea, truly, mother,” replied the girl.

“Oh, wretched child,” said her mother. “Wherefore didst thou refuse? Did I not teach thee thy lesson many times?”

The poor girl might not answer, so shamed was she.

“At any rate,” said the mother, “I must know the reason why thou hast refused. Tell it me forthwith, lest I grow exceeding wroth.”

The girl was forced to confess that she had found the lance of the champion so vast, that she had not dared to present her shield lest he killed her; and so she still felt, nor was she reassured on that point, albeit her mother had bade her be without fear. Whereat the mother addressed the Judge, saying:

“Monseigneur, thou hast heard the confession of my daughter, and the defence of my son-in-law. I beg of thee give judgement forthwith.”

The Judge gave orders for a bed to be prepared in his house, the couple to lie on it together; and he commanded the bride boldly to lay hold of the tilting staff,[80] and put it where it was ordered to go. When this judgement was delivered, the mother said:

[80] Mr. Douglas translates simply: ... “stick or instrument.” The word in the text, _bourdon_, signifies literally “a pilgrim’s staff.” It is followed by the word _joustouer_, “to tilt or joust,” or “a tilter, a jouster,” which Mr. Douglas ignores. The combination, however, seems to keep more faithfully to the spirit of the story. On the other hand, _bourdon_ is a recognised erotic term for _penis_. Farmer, (_Slang and its Analogues_: vol. 5, p. 290), quotes Rabelais as employing the word in this sense. Landes, (_Glossaire érotique de la langue française_: Brussels, 1861), includes it in a list which comprises 212 slang terms for the male organ of generation. _Le petit Citateur: Notes érotiques et pornographiques_: Paris, 1881: only 300 printed, a curious and valuable little work dealing with the lesser known expressions and metaphors of venery, and intended to serve as a complement to the ordinary erotic dictionary, describes _bourdon_ as “the virile member, the grand chord which gives the note in the amorous duet.” The _Memoirs of Miss Fanny_ are quoted: “ ... enraptured, split open by the enormous size of my ravisher’s _bourdon_, my thighs all bloodstained, I remained for some time overwhelmed by fatigue and pleasure....” The French text referred to in the foregoing note is that of Garnier Frères, Paris, n.d.

“I thank thee, my lord; thou hast judged well. Come, my child, do what thou shouldst, and take heed to obey the Judge, and put the lance where it should be put.”

“I am satisfied,” answered the daughter, “to put it where it ought to go, but it may rot there ere I take it out again.”

So they quitted the court, and went and carried out the sentence themselves, without the aid of any sergeants. By this means the young man enjoyed his joust, and was sooner weary of it than she who would not begin.[81]

[81] This story, the 86th of _Les Cent Nouvelles Nouvelles_, is singularly lacking in climax when compared with the majority of old _fabliaux_. The opening is very promising; but once the husband has stated his case, the fabric seems to fall to pieces, and the wife’s final speech is as silly as it is unjustified. The author has tried to round off the story by dragging in the ages-old tag about the woman who, from hating the pleasures of love, becomes a veritable glutton for them. Compared with “Beyond the Mark,” which is artistic and dramatic from the first to the last line, “Foolish Fear” is a poor thing. Nevertheless, we have thought fit to include it in this anthology because its opening is as characteristic as its finish is _un_characteristic of this type of _fabliaux_.

THE PRINCESS WHO PISSETH OVER THE HAYCOCKS.[82]

[82] _Kruptadia_: Henninger Frères, Heilbronn, 1883: _Stories of Picardy._

A peasant died and left three sons. On their return home from the interment of their father, the three young men took counsel together. The dead man had not been wealthy, and he bequeathed to his sons only his house and a small piece of land.

After much discussion, it was decided that the eldest should leave the house and land to his brethren, and go forth into the world to seek his fortune. If he succeeded, he would return forthwith to his brethren that they might share his good fortune, but if he did not return within a year and a day, the second brother should set out in search of him. This agreed, the eldest embraced his brethren and set forth.

Sallying from the village, he discovered two roads. In perplexity, he tossed a coin in the air, and as it fell, so he made his choice. He journeyed long without encountering aught but inns and farms, where he spent the night, renewing his quest on the morrow. At length, after travelling fifteen days, he came to a magnificent castle.

“‘Tis here perchance I shall find fortune,” quoth he. “I will enter the castle and seek service within.”

But all the offices were filled. Going forth, he encountered the owner of the castle, who was king of the countryside, and at his request the youth related his purpose in coming to this domain.

Quoth the king:

“Employment I have none to offer thee in my palace; but I have a better proposal to make. I have a daughter of the like not seen elsewhere on earth. She pisseth over the most lofty houses. All the physicians I have summoned cannot cure her, and it is a sad pity, for she is of surpassing beauty. If thou canst prevent her from pissing over the haycocks which thou shalt erect, thy fortune is made. I will give her to thee in marriage. If thou failest, thou shalt go join in their prison those imbeciles of physicians and charlatans who have already sought to succeed in this my proposal. Thou dost understand? See then if thou believest thyself capable of this achievement.”

The youth, having taken counsel with himself for several moments, accepted the king’s proposal. This latter, leading him within the palace, set him to dine with his wife and daughter. The Princess was a marvel of beauty, and the peasant could not satiate his eyes of her perfections. He was apportioned a chamber in the castle, what time he awaited the day of his trial.

On the morrow the young adventurer chose a vast field, and thither caused to be borne five or six hundred loads of hay. Next he took a hundred peasants and set them to erect an enormous haycock.

“If the Princess doth succeed in pissing o’er this heap of hay,” he thought, “I am mad.” And he went to tell the king the haycock was ready.

On the morrow came the Princess; and she fell to laughing when she saw the haycock. She raised her robe and pissed high o’er the heap of hay. The youth was thunderstruck. On the order of the king, they seized the youth and cast him into a dungeon with the physicians who had essayed the venture before him.

A year and a day after the departure of his eldest brother, the second peasant set forth in his turn, taking the road followed by his brother one year before. Journeying fifteen days, he, too, came upon the castle, and, entering therein, demanded the work of a servant. Him also the king saw, putting the proposal he had made to his elder brother. Which proposal the youth accepted.

Well received by the family of the Princess, he pictured himself already the son-in-law of the king, and built project upon project for the future. He chose a vast plain, and thither caused to be borne six thousand loads of hay. Next he took one thousand labourers and set them to erect the haycock.

On the morrow the Princess approached the haycock, gave vent to a great shriek of laughter, raised her robe, and--pissed high o’er the haycock.

And the second brother went to join his elder in the dungeon of the king’s palace.

The youngest peasant was sore pained in that his brethren returned not.

“Assuredly they have suffered some mischance in their travels,” quoth he to himself. “‘Twere ill of me did I not set forth in search of them, and render them aid in their misfortune.”

He, in his turn, quitted the village. Chance took him by the same road as that taken by his brethren, and he came to the palace of the king who held them prisoner. He entered the palace, saw the king, and accepted the proposal made to him. At table he found the Princess adorable, and the Princess found him charming. This he perceived, and resolved never to quit her side. All night he dreamed of the Princess, nor did he wake till the sun was up. Then he fell to leisurely reflection.

“All the same,” said he to himself, “if I succeed in taking the maidenhead of the Princess before the trial, perchance she will not piss so high. I am convinced that all dependeth on her virginity. I will attempt this method.”

When day came, he arose and went to walk in the castle park. The Princess had not slept the whole night long, ever seeing the countenance of the young man. At daybreak she arose and went to walk in the park, where she encountered the young peasant.

And this last did not let slip the occasion; he approached the young girl and avowed that he died of love for her. The Princess was easy of persuasion, and one hour afterward she had lost her maidenhead. Then she re-entered the palace, the youth walking till the hour of the morning meal, when he, too, entered the palace as if naught had happened.

At noontide he caused to be borne into a corner of the park a single load of hay; then told the king that he was ready for the trial.

And when the king, accompanied by his daughter, approached the tiny haycock which had been erected by the young man, he cried out that the trial was not serious, and he counselled the peasant to construct a much loftier haycock. But the peasant affirmed that the heap of hay was sufficient, whereat the king ordered his daughter to piss.

Who was the most astonished? Truly the king and the Princess, when the latter only succeeded in watering her stockings, for the charming channel, wherein the young man had laboured with the girl, from being narrow, had grown great.

Judge then if the peasant was satisfied. The Princess, though she did not let the youth perceive it, was likewise satisfied. And the king gave his daughter to the young man, their nuptials were celebrated, the young peasants became princes, and all lived happily ever afterward.

THE COMB.[83]

[83] _Kruptadia_: Heilbronn, Henninger Frères, 1883, vol. 1: _Secret Stories from the Russian_.

An old man bought a sheep’s cloak for his wife, and he futtered her the whole night long at the foot of the fence. In the morning the weather was damp, and the old woman, with back bent, went weeping; but the old man followed and mounted her. Said the woman to her husband: