Part 4

The woman observed that he had a yard of great proportions; desirous of sampling the power of such an instrument, she summoned the tailor to her chamber.

“Hearken,” quoth she to him. “Consent to sin once with me.”

“Why not, madam? But only on one condition--that thou dost not fart! If thou dost fart, thou shalt pay me three hundred roubles.”

“Very good,” answered she.

They betook themselves to bed; the good woman took all possible precautions not to expel wind during the sexual act; she instructed her chambermaid to seek a large onion, to thrust this into her fundament, and to hold it there with both hands. These orders were carried out minutely, but at the first assault delivered by the tailor upon the woman, the onion was violently expelled and struck the chambermaid with such force that she was killed outright!

The woman lost her three hundred roubles; the tailor pocketed this sum and hied him homeward. Having journeyed some distance, he felt a desire to slumber and lay down in a field. He placed the ring upon his finger and his yard stretched to the length of one verst. As he lay thus, slumber o’ertook him, and whilst he slept came seven starving wolves, which devoured the greater part of his yard. He awoke as if naught had chanced,[23] took the ring from his finger, put it in his pocket, and pursued his way.

[23] The _Kruptadia_ version says: “As if flies had just tickled his yard.”

Came night, and the tailor entered the house of a peasant. Now this peasant had married a young woman who had a liking for well-membered men. The guest went to sleep in the courtyard, leaving his yard exposed. Perceiving it, the peasant’s wife felt a great desire; raising her robe, she coupled with the tailor.

“Good,” quoth he to himself; and he placed the ring on his finger, and his yard rose little by little to the height of one verst. But when the wife perceived herself so far from the earth, all desire to futter left her, and she clung with both hands to this strange support in mid-air.

Beholding the peril that beset the wretched woman, her neighbours and relations fell to praying for the safety of both. But the tailor gently withdrew the ring from his finger; gradually the dimensions of his member decreased, and, when it reached but to a small height, the woman jumped to earth.

“Ah! insatiable coynte,” quoth the tailor to her. “It had been thy death had they cut my yard.”[24]

[24] The main theme of these foregoing _contes_--the yard which increases to gigantic proportions--is not confined to Russian folk-lore. In _Kruptadia_, vol. 2: _Some Erotic Folk-Lore from Scotland_, we find the following:--A man and a woman were in each other’s embraces. The man was succuba. His yard began to enlarge and enlarge and lift the woman. When she was nearly reaching the roof she exclaimed: “Farewell freens, farewell foes, For I’m awa’ to heaven On a pintel’s nose.”

THE INSTRUMENT.[25]

[25] _Kruptadia_: Heilbronn: Henninger Frères, 1884: _Breton Folk Lore_.

Once on a time a youth, wishing to become a smith, quitted his village and hired himself as an apprentice to a farrier. His master was a busy man, all the beds in his house being filled by his workmen, and when evening came he was sore pressed to find sleeping quarters for his apprentice. Reflecting long, he thus finally argued:--

“In each bed are several persons; my daughter alone hath one to herself. With her will I put the youth to sleep. His parents are good people, and I have known him from boyhood. There is no danger.”

When these two were in bed together, the youth began to caress the daughter, a maid nigh unto sixteen years, and since she did not repulse him, he lost no time in showing her how one makes love. The daughter found the business very much to her liking, and Pierre (for so the apprentice was named) gave her several lessons in this pretty game. She did not tire, and wished that the play might last the whole night long; but Pierre, awearied, would fain have slept. Anon, when he began to grow drowsy, she pinched him and snuggled up to him; but he did not respond to her allurements.

“Pierre,” said she, “dost play no more with thine implement?”

“No--’tis used up,” quoth Pierre.

“‘Tis a pity,” said the girl. “Why is it not more solid? Would it cost much to have another?”

“Yea--at least three or four hundred francs.”

“I myself have not that sum; but I know where my father keepeth his money, and on the morrow I will give thee the wherewithal to procure another. What dost thou call it?”

“‘Tis called an ‘instrument’,”[26] quoth Pierre.

[26] _Frenolle_ is the word in the text--probably a fantastic term, since Pierre’s “instrument” is not known by that name in Haut Bretagne. Farmer, in his monumental work _Slang and its Analogues_, (Privately Printed, 1890-1904) and Landes (_Glossaire Érotique de la Langue française_--Brussels, 1861) do not include the word in their comprehensive lists of French erotic synonyms for _penis_. Nor can we find mention of it in _Vocabula Amatoria_ (London, 1896). Littré, even, does not give the word.

In the morning the girl, taking her father’s money, gave it to the apprentice, who hied him to the town and made pretence of buying another instrument; and when night came, he played on his instrument to the infinite satisfaction of the girl.

On the morrow the apprentice received a letter, wherein he learned that his mother lay ill and desired to see him. He started on his journey forthwith. Anon the girl appeared, and not seeing the apprentice, inquired:

“Where is Pierre?”

And they answered her that he was gone and would return no more. Whereat she sped after him, and when she perceived him afar off, cried out:--

“Pierre! Pierre! At least leave me the instrument!”

Pierre, who was in a field at the moment, wrenched up a big turnip, and casting it into a swamp at the feet of the girl, cried out:--

“Take it--’tis there!”

And while the girl sought the instrument, he continued on his way.

With both her eyes she looked, but of Pierre’s instrument could perceive no vestige. Anon she sat down on the edge of the swamp and gave herself up to tears. Presently there chanced to pass the vicar, who made inquiry as to the cause of her grief.

“Oh! thy reverence!” she made answer. “The instrument hath fallen in the swamp and I cannot recover it. A sad pity, for ‘tis a precious instrument and cost three or four hundred francs.”

“Let us both seek,” quoth the vicar. “I will aid thee.”

He tucked up his gown, and both fell to seeking in the swamp, which was somewhat deep. Anon the girl turned her head, and perceiving the vicar with his garments tucked up above his hips, cried out:--

“Ah! thy reverence! No need for further search! ‘Tis thou who hast the instrument ‘twixt thy legs!”

_EXCURSUS_ to _THE INSTRUMENT_

A variant of the foregoing story, (_The Instrument_), is to be found in _Le Moyen de Parvenir_ (Béroalde de Verville). The editors of _Kruptadia_ draw attention to it, quoting the following extract:--

The simpleton husband Hauteroue, while futtering his wife, remarked:--

“What a labour it is, my love!”

“I am not surprised,” quoth she. “Thou dost work with a bad implement.”

“I should have a better had I the money.”

“Let not that hinder thee; I will give thee the money on the morrow.”

When the husband received his money, he set out to enjoy himself; then he went to bed with his wife, whom he pleasured well.

“Ho! my love!” said she. “This implement is as good as the one thou hadst. But, love, what hast done with the other?”

“I have thrown it away, my love.”

“Bah! Thou hast made a great mistake. ‘Twould have served for my mother!”

THE TIMOROUS FIANCÉE.[27]

[27] _Kruptadia_: Heilbronn: 1883: Henninger Frères: vol. 1: _Secret Stories from the Russian_.

Two young girls held converse together. Quoth one:

“Like thee, little one, I, too, will never marry.”

“And why should we marry against our will?” said the other. “We have no masters.”

“Hast seen, little one, that instrument with which men make trial upon us?”

“I have seen it.”

“And is it not huge?”

“Little one, it is assuredly of the size of an arm!”

“One would never come out of it alive.”

“Come, I will tickle thee with a straw.”

“That also hurteth me.”

The foolish one lay down, and the wiser fell to tickling her with a straw. “Ah! that hurteth!” she repeated.

Now the father of one of the young girls forced her to take a husband; she waited two nights, then went to see her young friend.

“Good day, little one,” she said.

The latter besought her to relate forthwith what had befallen.

“Ah!” answered the young wife. “Had I known, had I truly known the business, I had not listened to my father or my mother. I thought to lose my life, and my tongue hung from my mouth a foot in length.”

The young friend was so affrighted that she had no wish to speak further of fiancés.

“I will wed with none,” quoth she. “And if my father seeks to employ violence, 1 will espouse, for form’s sake, the first bachelor I encounter.”

Now there was in the same village a young lad and a very poor. None would give him a seemly maid in marriage, and he did not desire an ill; by chance he overheard the conversation of the young girls.

“Wait,” thought he to himself. “I will play a trick on that one. At a suitable moment I will say that I have no yard.”

Came a day when the young girl went to mass; she beheld the lad leading his horse, thin and unshod, to the watering place; the poor beast went limping, and the young girl laughed. They came to a steep slope; the mare climbed with difficulty, then fell and rolled on her back. The lad was annoyed, seized the mare by her tail, and fell to beating her without pity, saying:

“Get up! Thou wilt flay all the skin off thyself!”

“Why beatest thou the horse, brigand?” asked the young girl.

The lad lifted the tail, looked at it and said:

“And what should I do? Futter her? But I have no yard.”

When the girl heard his words, she pissed herself with joy, saying:

“Behold! the good God hath sent me a fiancé after my liking!”

She returned to her house, sat down in a secluded corner, and fell to pouting. Presently all the family seated themselves at table, calling on her to come, but she replied in anger:

“I will not!”

“Come, Douniouchka,” said the mother. “What art thinking of? Tell me.”

The father intervened.

“Why dost pout? Perchance thou dost desire to wed? Thou wouldst wed with this one and not with that?” The young girl had but one idea in her head: to wed Ivan the No-Yard.

“I will wed,” she replied, “neither this one nor that. An it please ye or not, I will wed Ivan.”

“What sayest thou, little fool? Art enraged, or hast lost thy reason? Thou wouldst share thy life with him?”

“He is my destiny. Seek not to marry me to another, else I will drown or strangle myself.”

Hitherto the old father had not honoured the poverty-stricken Ivan with so much as a look, but now he went himself to the lad to make him release his daughter. He approached. Ivan was seated, repairing an old hempen shoe.

“Good day, Ivanouchka.”

“Good day, old man.”

“What dost thou?”

“I seek to mend my hempen shoes.”

“Shoes? Thou hast need of new boots.”

“Since I have with difficulty amassed fifteen copeks to buy these shoes, where shall I find money to purchase boots?”

“And why dost thou not marry, Vania?”

“Who would give me his daughter?”

“I, if thou wilt! Kiss me on the mouth.”

And they came to an understanding.

At the rich man’s house there was no lack of beer and brandy. The girl and the lad were wed forthwith, high feast was held, and then the best man conducted the young people to their sleeping chamber and put them to bed. One knows the sequel. Ivan pierced the young girl till she bled and there was a road by which he might travel.

“What a blockhead, what a fool I have been!” thought Dounuka. “What have I done? How much better had I taken one richly-endowed! But where hath he found this yard? I will question him.”

And she questioned him, saying:

“Hearken, Ivanouchka. Where hast got this yard?”

“I have hired it from mine uncle for one night.”

“Ah! my little dove! Beg it of him for yet another night.”

A second night passed and she said to him again:

“Little dove! Beg of thine uncle if he will not sell thee the yard outright. But bargain well.”

“Good. One can always bargain.”

He went to the house of his grandsire, came to an understanding with him,[28] and returned to his home.

[28] _Lui donne le mot._ “Put him wise” would be the exact modern equivalent.

“Well, what of it?” asked his wife.

“What can I say?” answered the lad. “There was no bargaining with him. We must give him three hundred roubles or he will not yield us the yard. And where may we get this sum?”

“Ah, well. Return and beg him to hire thee the yard for yet another night. To-morrow I ask my father for the money, and we will buy the yard outright.”

“Nay--go thyself and ask it of him. In sooth, I dare not.”

She went to the uncle’s house, entered his apartment, prayed to heaven, and bowed, saying:

“Good day, mine uncle.”

“Thou art welcome. What good news hast thou?”

“See, mine uncle, I am shamed to speak, but ‘twould be a sin an I kept silent. Lend thy yard to Ivan for a night.”

The relative took counsel with himself, shook his head, and said:

“It can be lent, but care must be taken of a yard belonging to another.”

“We will take care of it, uncle. I swear by the Cross. And to-morrow, without fail, we will buy it outright of thee.”

“Go, then, and send Ivan to me.”

She bowed to the earth and left the house.

On the morrow she went to seek her father, asked of him three hundred roubles for her husband, and bought for herself a good yard.

_EXCURSUS_ to _THE ENCHANTED RING_, _THE INSTRUMENT_, and _THE TIMOROUS FIANCÉE_.

Each of the three foregoing stories is remarkable for the fact that it contains the same naïve idea--the possibility of purchasing a male “implement.” The idea is fairly common in folk-lore stories of virginity, but, almost always, results in a highly humorous situation. It is a crude but very effective method of depicting the ignorance, even stupidity, of a virgin girl. It also affords the story-teller an opportunity of an indirect reference to a favourite theme--the erotic tendency of women once their sexual senses are aroused.[29]

[29] _C.f._ _Excursus_ to _The Tale of Kamar al-Zaman_, where the subject is discussed at length.

One episode of _The Enchanted Ring_ (the remarkable qualities of the young man’s _penis_ when adorned with the ring) can hardly fail to recall “_The Night of Power_,” (Sir Richard F. Burton’s _Thousand Nights and a Night_), wherein the husband’s organs undergo rapid and wonderful transformation. This tale is described by Sir Richard Burton as “the grossest and most brutal satire on the sex, suggesting that a woman would prefer an additional inch of _penis_ to anything this world or the next can offer her.” One cannot help noting, none the less, the indecent anxiety of the mother-in-law, in our story from _Kruptadia_, to sample the mighty yard of the newly-returned husband.[30]

[30] In _The Night of Power_ we have the story of a man who, believing that three prayers would be granted to him, consults his wife as to what he shall ask. She advises him to ask Allah to “greaten and magnify his yard.” He does so, whereupon his yard “became as big as a column, and he could neither sit nor stand nor move about nor even stir from his stead; and when he would have carnally known his wife, she fled before him from place to place.” In distress the husband asks, as his second wish, to be delivered of this burden, and “immediately his prickle disappeared altogether and he became clean smooth. When his wife saw this, she said: ‘I have no occasion for thee now thou art become pegless as an eunuch, shaven and shorn.... Pray Allah the most High to restore thee thy yard as it was.’ So he prayed to his Lord and his prickle was restored to its first estate. Thus the man lost his three wishes by the ill counsel and lack of wit in the woman.” Our brief summary is taken from Sir Richard F. Burton’s translation of _The Thousand Nights and a Night_.

ADVENTURES WITH HEDVIGE AND HELÈNE AT GENEVA.[31]

[31] _Memoirs of Jacques Casanova_: For the first time translated into English and Privately Printed, 1894: 12 vols.: 1000 copies only. Also _Mémoires de J. Casanova de Seingalt: Garnier Frères_, Paris, N.D. Our text is a blend of the two versions.

_Casanova makes the acquaintance of two charming cousins, Hedvige and Helène, at Geneva. After sundry meetings, at which theology and sexual matters are discussed in a frank and amusing fashion, Casanova gets the chance to take his two charmers for a stroll in the garden where they can be sure of immunity from interruption. Casanova’s opportunity occurs as a result of Hedvige’s desire to know why a deity could not impregnate a woman, a male acquaintance having said that he could not with propriety expound such mysteries to her. Casanova gladly agrees to make the matter clear, adding, however, that he must be allowed to speak quite plainly. The text continues:_

Yea, speak clearly,” quoth Hedvige, “for none can hear us; but I am forced to confess that I am cognisant of the formation of man only in theory and by lecture. True, I have seen statues, but I have never seen and still less have I examined real[32] man. And thou, Helène?”

[32] _i.e._, naked.

“I have never desired so to do.”

“Why not? ‘Tis good to know all.”

“Well, my charming Hedvige,” said I, “thy theologian wished to tell thee that Jesus was not capable of erection.”

“What is that?”

“Give me thy hand.”

“I feel it and I can picture it; for, without this natural phenomenon, man could not impregnate his consort. And this foolish theologian pretendeth that it is an imperfection!”

“Yea, for this phenomenon springeth from desire, for ‘tis very true that it would not have worked in me, sweet Hedvige, had I not found thee charming and had not what I had seen of thee given me the most seductive idea of the beauties I see not. Tell me frankly if, after feeling this rigidity of mine, thou dost not experience an agreeable sensation?”

“I confess it; ‘tis precisely where thou pressest. Dost not feel as I, my dear Helène, an itching and a longing on likening to the very true discourse given to us by this gentleman?”

“Yea, I feel it, but I feel it very often, without any discourse exciting it.”

“And then,” quoth I, “Nature forceth thee to appease it thus?”

“Not at all.”

“Oh, that it were so, Hedvige! Even in sleep one’s hand strayeth there by instinct; and, lacking this easement, I have read that we should suffer terrible maladies.”

And whilst we continued this philosophical converse, which the youthful theologian sustained with an authoritative tone, and which brought a look of voluptuousness to the lovely complexion of her cousin, we came to the edge of a fine pool where one descended by a marble staircase to bathe. Although it was chilly, our heads were warm, and it came to me to propose to the maidens that they put their feet in the water, assuring them that it would do them good and, if they permitted me, that I would count it an honour to remove their shoes and stockings.

“Come,” said Hedvige, “I like the project well.”

“I, too,” said Helène.

“Seat yourselves, ladies, on the first stair.”

Behold them, then, seated, and thy servant, on the fourth stair, busy unshoeing them, what time he extolled the beauty of their legs and made pretence to be incurious at the moment to see higher than the knee. Then, having gone down to the water, they had perforce to lift their garments, and in this business I encouraged them.

“Ah, well,” remarked Hedvige, “men also have thighs.”

Helène, who would have felt shame to show less courage than her cousin, did not hang back.

“Come, my charming naiads,” quoth I, “‘tis enough. Ye will catch cold if ye remain for long in the water.”

They reascended the staircase backwards, ever holding up their robes lest they might wet them; and it fell to me to dry their limbs with all the handkerchiefs that I possessed. This pleasant task permitted me to see and touch everything at my leisure, and the reader will scarce need my word to affirm that I made the best of my opportunity. The pretty niece (Hedvige) declared that I was too curious, but Helène let me have my way with an air so tender and so languid that I was hard pressed not to push the matter further. In the end, having again put on their shoes and stockings, I told them that I was enchanted to have viewed the secret charms of the two most lovely ladies in Geneva.

“What effect hath it on thee?” asked Hedvige of me.

“I dare not tell ye to look, but feel, both of ye.”

“Bathe thou thyself also.”

“Impossible. The business is too long for a man.”

“But we have yet two full hours to remain here without fear of interruption from anyone.”

This response caused me to see the happiness that awaited me; but I did not think fit to expose myself to an illness by entering the water in the state in which I was. Seeing a summer-house not far off and assured that M. Tronchin would have left it open, I took my two beauties by the arm and led them thither, not letting them guess, however, my intentions.

The summer-house was full of vases of _pot pourri_, pretty engravings, and so forth; but what I valued most was a large and lovely divan, fit for repose and for pleasure. There, seated ‘twixt these two beauties and lavishing caresses upon them, I said that I desired to show them that which they had never seen, at the same time exposing to their gaze the principal agent of humanity. They raised themselves to admire it, and then, taking the hand of each one of them, I procured for them a considerable pleasure; but, in the course of this labour, an abundant emission on my part caused them great amazement.

“‘Tis its speech,” said I. “The speech of the great creator of men.”

“‘Tis delicious!” cried Helène, laughing at the term ‘speech.’

“I, too, have the power of speech,” said Hedvige, “and I will show it thee, if thou wilt wait a moment.”

“Put thyself in my hands, sweet Hedvige. I will spare thee the trouble of making it come thyself, and I will do it better than thee.”